Flogging the Quill

Flog a BookBubber 415-William W. Johnstone—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Here is the opening of Deadly Road to Yuma, a Western. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that these authors should have hired an editor.

“I’m thirsty,” Matt Bodine said.

“When are you not?” Sam Two Wolves said.

“No, really, Sam, my whistle could sure use wettin’.”

“I repeat—”

“We’re stoppin’ up there in that town,” Matt said, interrupting his blood brother.

“Of course we are,” Sam said. He waited a moment, then added, “Do you think we could try to stay out of trouble this time?”

“We always try to stay out of trouble. At least I do.”

Sam just rolled his eyes, shook his head, and hitched his horse forward, starting down the long, gentle slope toward the flat where the settlement was located.

They had crossed the border between New Mexico Territory and Arizona Territory not long before, following the San Francisco River as it twisted through this bleak, rugged country. The Gila Mountains loomed to their right, the Peloncillos to the left. The settlement they were approaching was the first one Matt and Sam had come to in several days.

It had been a long, relatively uneventful ride from Sweet Apple, Texas. The blood brothers were in no hurry to get anywhere, because they didn’t have anywhere to be. They were just drifting, seeing what was on the other side of every hill they came to…the same way they (snip)

You can read more here. This earned 44 stars on Amazon. I devoured Westerns as a kid and am always happy to see a new one, so I couldn’t resist checking this one out. So, what kind of rip-roaring action was there to capture me?

A little talk about being thirsty and avoiding trouble and then . . . exposition, exposition, exposition. I say save your money and ride on. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown More than 600 free ebooks given away.

Flogometer 1179 for Moira—will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Moira sent the first page of The Tsar’s Angel. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.

The yowl from the English traitor lifted up the graveyard slope and down the grassy backside to stop Captain Gavril Kasparevich Danilov in his tracks. Any utterance on this foggy April dawn from the estate burial ground would have slowed his already dragging step. How much more… vital that the cry, really a question bleated out like the condemned before a judge, should come from Sir William Ellesworth.

Yesterday afternoon, the travelling knight had swept into the airless, overstuffed room on the fourth, uppermost floor of the estate palace and took it upon himself to give his own introductions to the fifteen gathered members of the reform-minded Northern Society. Newly arrived from the people’s valiant uprising in Greece, he had declared. Some looked up from their tea cups and discussions of poetry. Eager, he had gone up on his tiptoes in demonstration, to inaugurate the glorious revolution in this great land after an unfortunate absence of a quarter-century. A few more paused their conversation to settle back in chairs or against a shelf, and take in the show.

“Not that we were not brothers in arms during the fight against Napoleon.” He tapped his left temple by his black glass eye. “This was my Waterloo.” And the gentlemen, most who had served as officers, murmured their sympathies, and took sips, clicking cups on saucers. “I lost an eye but gained a knighthood.”

There’s some nice writing here (other than the “stop in his tracks” cliché in the opening), but I think the storytelling needs work. We start in a graveyard somewhere, then transition to a room in a palace. Okay, but there’s no real transition out of that palace. As I read on, I figured out that we were back out in the graveyard—but I shouldn’t have needed to do that. I was also unsure of who the “traveling knight” was, Danilov or Ellesworth. So clarity issues abound. Though there is interesting material here, there was no real story question, nothing pressing that either character had to deal with. This needs to start later, I think.

Your thoughts?

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2023 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2023 by Moira.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

On the road

I'm traveling today, see you next week. By the way, that day is my birthday. :)

Ray

Flog a BookBubber 414-Dawn Merriman—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here is the opening of Spirit Girls, a paranormal mystery. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that these authors should have hired an editor.

I should be afraid, but I’m not. The shadow figure stands at the end of the hall, her face turned away from me. The exit sign above her glows red in the moonlight. Doors line the hallway, leading to patient rooms in the abandoned hospital. One of them slams shut; no one is near it. Dust sifts down from the ceiling, and the sound echoes through the old building.

“I know you’re upset, but we are not here to hurt you,” I tell the figure. Another door slams and the figure moves closer. No feet are visible, but I can hear the footsteps.

Behind me, I hear Mickey, my assistant with the camera, gasp as the shadow looms close to my face.

“I can hear the steps,” she whispers. “She’s right in front of me,” I tell her. “Keep filming.”

A hand reaches for my face. Every instinct tells me I should be terrified, but I’m more curious.

“What do you need?” I ask the figure.

The woman’s face peeks out behind long hair. The mouth is drawn and the eyes are dark. She touches my face and my skin grows cold.

“You can see me?” she asks.

I nod, fighting the urge to pull my face away. I don’t want to startle her or she will (snip)

You can read more here. This earned 4.4 stars on Amazon. While this could use a little editing to tighten it up, I think it delivers on story questions—what will the ghost do? Will the narrator be harmed? Is there trouble ahead? What happens next? Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown More than 600 free ebooks given away.

Flogometer 1178 for Kathleen—will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Kathleen sent the first pages of Back to Square One. The rest of the chapter is after the break. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.

As I lower myself onto my chair, my insides clench painfully and the heat rises to my wind chilled cheeks. The teacher’s desk is empty. I alone of my classmates know what has happened. Miss Halstead finally trudges through the door holding a bunched Kleenex to her eyes. Her voice breaking, she utters, “President John F. Kennedy has been shot.”

I wasn’t able to stop it! How could I? I’m still a child. Who would listen to me? One thing is sure, my father will believe me now. Even if he puts it down to premonition, he’ll listen.

I try to slow my breathing, exhaling slowly. If I couldn’t prevent Kennedy’s death, how will I stop a war? The room goes in and out of focus as if I’ve been set in place with no awareness of my surroundings - apart from them. Focus, things I can see, the wood desk with the ink stain, the ragged cuff of my sleeve, touch, the chewed pencil, my thin hair ribbon, hear, muffled distress – tune that out, the wind against the sill.

As the shock settles, I examine my fellow students perched on their hard wooden chairs. Many of their young faces are streaked with grief. All I can see of the tallest boy at the back of my row is the top of his blond head pressed into his crossed arms, shrouding his desktop.

My chief competitor for the honour roll raises his hand. He demands, “How? Why?”

Clearing her throat, struggling to compose herself, Miss Halstead replies, “It happened in Dallas Texas. The only information I have is, the president is in hospital.”

The writing and voice are good, but what about the narrative? For me, I just didn’t know enough to be intrigued by the character’s rhetorical questions. Why would any child have those questions? Turns out she’s living her life for a second time but has knowledge of things to come. The premise is promising . . . but the whole first chapter, while detailing other instances, is pretty much exposition and setup. We don’t come upon her present problem—the actual inciting incident didn’t, to my eye, appear. I think the story starts there—try it, and weave in her unique life along the way.

Your thoughts?

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2023 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2023 by Kathleen.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flogometer 1177 for Lisa—will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Lisa sent the first pages of Kin and Karma. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.

Goldie Guilderon looked as ridiculous in death as she had in life. Sprawled in her ratty lounger, ever the sloth, crumbs littered her plump lips, drooping jowls, and the high neckline of her Mother Hubbard dress. Her Schnauzer swept its whiskered muzzle over her lap, inhaling bits of Hobnobs, tiny paws prancing free of Goldie’s quivering rolls of dead flesh.

Bane Sorsby crouched beside the chair and studied the scene.

Milk residue coated Goldie’s hairy upper lip where a housefly now bathed. Blood still dripped from the kitchen knife’s blade embedded under her many chins. A fork’s tines punctured her right eyeball. Her left, the lazy one, crossed at her nose.

She had been a worthless mooncalf, poorly equipped for life, and her constant complaints had tested his ability to abide by her daily. Addicted to her nightly soaps, she wallowed in the misfortunes of others, incessantly vocalizing her own never-ending list of perpetual problems.

Nobody would miss her. No one would grieve her loss.

Bane mourned for himself. His mind was already slipping back into the madness of the void. His tether to sanity stretched tight as a cocked bow. Already he could sense the heavy burden of isolation. Death wasn’t darkness. His existence on the outskirts of life was his penance, his version of Hell

Good writing and a strong voice get this opening off to a good start. While the dead woman certainly wasn’t attractive, her demise raises good story questions. Who killed her? Was it Bane, the point of view character? If so, why? Lisa didn’t want the rest of the chapter posted because she felt it needed too much work. But, for me, this was a strong start. Page turned. Your thoughts?

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2023 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2023 by Max.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flogometer 1176 for Max—will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Max sent the first pages of The Vulture, a young adult novel. The rest of the chapter is after the break. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.

Coming home at the end of summer sucked. The time away revealed the true picture of Theo’s home: Dead orange pine needles hid the rusty roof while lively weeds grew tall in the uncut lawn. Empty beer cans and liquor bottles decorated the property. People in the trailer park were poor, but functional. His dad’s place was the single exception to that rule.

Great, just great. With fall approaching, he didn’t want to stay in the Junkyard tollbooth much longer. That and the dreams, he had to try and escape the nightmare. One night back home couldn’t be that bad.

The underwhelming result of opening the door—the inside of the dilapidated trailer was worse than the outside. The messy kitchen was a cliché he grew up with, but the closed fridge door didn’t block the smell from inside of it. The less said about the stains in the bathroom, the better.

In spite of himself, Theo cleaned the brackish mirror till he made out his sky blue eyes and black hair. After shoving the resistant metal clips, the small bathroom window opened. He found the bleach and a former towel that passed as a rag. The bathroom needed two hours of solid scrubbing, too bad the bleach didn’t remove dreams. How long would it stay clean for?

The thought of inviting any of his friends over was nonexistent. Especially Sarah, who would be so mournful at seeing the trailer. Yeah, girls don’t fall in love with boys who live in a (snip)

The writing is solid, and so is the voice. But I found this opening page lacking in a couple of ways. The first is that old bugaboo, the lack of a story question. Nothing much happens here to spark action from the character to deal with a problem that affects his life. He comes home to a mess and cleans a bathroom. I didn’t have a “what happens next?” reaction to those circumstances.

The other factor was, I guess, confusion. The narrative bounces around, first there’s the crummy trailer , then a mention of not wanting to stay in the Junkyard tollbooth. That took me out of the story. What is that? He was living in a tollbooth? That doesn’t seem right, at least with only that to go on. Was this tollbooth equipped with a bed and a bathroom? Didn’t make sense to me. Then apparently troubling dreams come into the picture . . . and quickly leave it. No indication of what the dreams are or how they actually impact his life. Not that I want to read a story about dreams.

I didn’t find what I would see as an inciting incident in the chapter, something happening that compels the character to take action. I’m thinking that this story starts somewhere in the second chapter. Seeing good writing in this first chapter, I'd like to know what that is. Your thoughts?

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2023 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2023 by Max.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Back in the saddle, return to flogging

I've long been AWOL from FtQ--life matters and editing and book design work just took over. But I'm determined to resume. So here is the flogging of the opening page of a novel. See if you're moved to want more, and please comment.

Flogometer 1177 for Ben—will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

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Ben sent the first pages of Before the Fall. The rest of the chapter is after the break. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.

The morning sun grazed the mountaintop, casting shadows to the western edge of the valley, before later fixing itself in the sky where it gamboled about, unaware of those of us below, and where it remained, unblocked, for all of that long summer day. After a light breakfast, our group of thirty-five began splintering. Some heading to the lake, others to the hill trails, a few remaining behind, with no goal save to bake in the sun, before searching near fruitlessly for the dribbles of shade.

My son Teagan and I chose to visit the lake. Teagan is thirty-five, going on ten. Or perhaps more accurate to say that you never knew each day whether he would be a forty-five-year-old man or a ten-year old boy. So goes the world of Down Syndrome. That day, he was a bit of both - a man making choices about what he would like to do and yet almost childlike in his enthusiasm for a morning at the beach, shovels and bucket along for the ride, a wobbly castle, to his great delight, soon rising at water’s edge.

Goose bumps rose as soon as we made contact with the cold mountain water, despite every effort of the sun to warm the lake. The cold water didn’t seem to affect him as much as it did me; it never had. He insisted on riding the water on my back, arms around my neck, as he had done since he was a small child. It always seemed odd that he loved the water, but refused to swim on his own.

While nicely written, this opening lacks one vital ingredient: a story question created by something happening to a character in the narrative. I wasn’t moved to want more by this leisurely setup exposition.

I looked further into the chapter and soon found this:

The first inkling that our lives were about to change came from our friend Franklin. Long back from the beach, Rose and I were in the outdoor camp kitchen. She prepping the evening meal for thirty-five, while I was mixing my special batch of beer-based margaritas in anticipation of cocktail hour. We saw Franklin walking toward us with his usual languid stride. I assumed he was stopping by to seek relief from the sun under the kitchen canopy. He brought his always understated tone with him.

“Could I speak to you for a moment,” he said, motioning us out from under the roof though no one else was nearby. We stepped into the sun as he went on, “It appears Teagan has toppled over down under the shade tent.”

“Toppled over? What does that mean? Did he fall?”

At that moment, Wendy, wife of Franklin and Rose’s long time best friend, came running our way, her ear-piercing scream preceding her.

“Teagan’s having a seizure! You need to come. Right now!”

You ask me, that’s where this story begins. Your thoughts?

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2023 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2023 by Ben.

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My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

What can we writers do about gun violence?

Besides voting and campaigning for gun reform, we can write. We can contribute ideas to the "conversation." I've done that, addressing reform through a speculative thriller novel. And this means enough to me to give it away. I hope you'll give it a read. And a think. Free ebook downloads here.

 

READ IT

 

THINK ABOUT IT

 

Free downloads of Kindle and Nook-type files are at www.gundownload.com. A free Kindle read is available for Kindle Unlimited readers is here. A paperback is available for cost on Amazon, I don't make a nickle from its sales.

If you read Gundown, I'd appreciate hearing from you and a review on Amazon.

Best,

Ray

Episode 6 is available.

You can click here for a grim threat to Patch and a brave Meg to the rescue in a new Kindle Vella episode.