Flogging the Quill

Flogometer 1191 for Suzie —will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

Suzie has sent the first page of Night Vision. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.

“You’re going to meet the man of your dreams real soon, dear,” Skyler’s mother said, her strong soprano voice coming from Skyler’s cellphone.

Skyler hoped this was a pep talk. She could handle a pep talk. One of those “don’t give up on love” spiels people were prone to when you were getting divorced.

“It could be any time,” her mom continued, “but it will definitely be soon.”

Oh, no! Pep talks never included definite time frames. The spoon Skyler was using to stir the grain and molasses mixture on the stove slipped through her fingers. She grabbed for it as it disappeared into the mush. Ouch. Hot. She stuck two fingers into her mouth. She pulled them out so she could ask, “Have you been calling the Psychic Network again, Mom?”

“Francesca says he could show up as early as next week. You’ll be sure and dress nice, won’t you?”

“Mom!” Even as she rebuked her mother with her tone, she glanced guiltily down at the stained, over-sized, chambray shirt and worn jeans Cinderella wouldn’t have been caught dead in on her worst day.

“I know you don’t believe in psychics, dear—”

“They’re frauds, Mom. Scam artists. Every last one of them.” Skyler tried to bite her tongue. This wasn’t a new argument, but it seemed it was an irresistible one, because she kept going. “If (ship)

This is well written (except for that little POV slip with “soprano”) and the voice is inviting. I’m thinking that this is a romance story, and that’s fine. What isn’t fine, for me, is the lack of anything of significance affecting the protagonist that could cause her serious trouble. Even in a romance, there needs to be a story question or two, especially in the opening. The only story question that comes to mind here is whether or not a psychic will solve the romance problems her mother thinks she has.

The rest of the chapter includes a fun discussion of psychics and, finally, the problem she has to deal with—the loss of her ranch and livelihood (not romance). I think the setup stuff at the front of the story needs to be filtered in after something happens to force our character to do something. Your thoughts?

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

your title
your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

March 07, 2025 | Permalink | Comments (3)

Flogometer 1190 for Roberta —will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

Roberta has sent the first page of an historical novel set in the year 1478. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.

I hate doctors. All my life they have been a source of painful and useless back braces to straighten my spine, long exhausting trips to spas, and bitter nasty herbs. The worst so-called remedy was a metal corset, made by my Papa’s armourer. The iron stays did nothing to unbend my spine but were very effective in carving welts into my sides and upper back. Torture in pursuit of the ordinary, I thought of it.

Today is the examination by Dr. Milanzo who has been sent by Count Leonhardt of Gorizia. If the doctor pronounces me unworthy as a bride then I have failed God, Papa, and my country. How I long to be in the stables watching the farrier shoe a horse or help the stable manager mix a poultice for a lame leg, or strolling in the gardens. How I wish to be anywhere but where I was―naked and in my own bed.

All I have ever wished for is to be ordinary—the type of girl you can walk past selling leeks in the market, or gleaning wheat in the fields, and not notice—neither tall, nor short, neither thin, nor fat, neither fair, nor dark, neither old, nor young, with hair the dun colour of bed sheets left out in the sun too long—in other words invisible. I covet being straight of limb, broad of face, robust as a peasant, plain as a bowl of white polenta, steady on my feet as a plow horse. But God has decreed otherwise. The only ordinary thing about me is my name—Paola. Yet I persist in my ambition to be normal. Doggedness is a talent of mine, perhaps my only talent.

I read the full chapter and found the writing, the character, and the world of 1478 excellent and interesting. If you get deeply enough into the narrative, there are jeopardies and troubles ahead for the character, and I would want to read more.

But the focus here at FtQ is the opening page and its ability to raise strong story questions. Looked at through that lens, the page doesn’t make the grade, IMO. My thought would be to include possible jeopardy ahead for her. In the second paragraph, instead of her dwelling on her failure to God, etc., show us the bad things that could happen of she fails the examination. In addition to losing a lot of ducats to the Count, could she have not been told by someone the physical danger ahead for her? The danger should be consequential for her, more than just the loss of money. I don’t have a solution, just a need. Your thoughts?

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

your title
your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

February 26, 2025 | Permalink | Comments (2)

Flogometer 1188 for Mika —will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

Mika has sent the first page of From Puck to F*ck,. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.

I’m not a wedding kind of girl. That’s right. I’m about to walk down the aisle of the church Andy’s family has gone to for however many generations they’ve been in San Francisco—to take him as ‘my lawfully wedded husband,’ or whatever shit our vows say—and I’m thinking this is just so not my jam.

I don’t have anything against marriage. Obviously. If I did, I wouldn’t have said yes to Andy’s popping-of-the-question at a Giants baseball game, where he paid someone to let him propose on the stadium’s jumbotron so I could answer in front of forty-thousand some-odd baseball fans who waited with baited breath to see whether I’d say yes or no.

Andy wasn’t wondering, though. He knew what I’d say.

He’s confident that way.

That’s how he made it to the San Francisco City Council, and why he’s being talked about as future mayor.

And I do honestly want to marry him. He’s good-looking, from a long-time San Francisco family like me, is smart and ambitious, and isn’t after me for my money. Within days of Andy’s proposal, where, by the way, the Giants lost the game, the wedding industrial complex descended on me, ramping from zero to sixty so fast I never had time to think through the gravity of what I was about to do. Emotionally buried in lace, ten (snip)

The writing is strong and the voice very likeable. But those qualities don’t create the tension an opening page needs to get the page turned. That takes a strong “what happens next?” story question. Here we have a young woman suffering some anxiety at the beginning of her wedding, but there’s no real threat to her happiness or to her life as far as we know it. There’s no trouble hinted at for the near future, nothing for her do deal with here other than a case of nerves. There’s also a fair amount of setup about the groom that isn’t really needed at this point. The real trouble doesn’t get on the stage until the end of the chapter.

Here, created with bits of narrative in this prologue, is a potential first page that raises a dynamite story question:

I’m about to walk down the aisle of the church Andy’s family has gone to for however many generations they’ve been in San Francisco—to take him as ‘my lawfully wedded husband,’ or whatever shit our vows say—and I’m thinking this is just so not my jam.

Me and my three bridesmaids are scrunched into the bride’s room—which is really not much more than a closet.

Music starts playing from somewhere deep inside the church. Time for us to queue up for our walk down the aisle.

Lucy moves for the door. “C’mon guys. That’s our cue.”

We start to follow, but Andy’s twin sister, Aliz, is rooted in place. She sighs and swallows with a grimace, like she just tasted something bad. She looks around the room, then down at her perfect manicure. “I… I have to tell you something, Petal”

Aliz runs a finger along her hairline like she’s mopping up perspiration. Come to think of it, she is looking a little shiny. “Look, Petal. My brother is an asshole. You need to know this.”

“Why are you telling me this now?” I ask in a quiet voice.

She leans closer. “What I mean, Petal, is that I’m pretty sure my brother’s sleeping with Jessica. You know, his friend from college.”

A loud guffaw explodes from my throat. “Aliz, I love your sense of humor.”

Your thoughts, readers?

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

your title
your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

February 19, 2025 | Permalink | Comments (2)

Flogometer 1187 for Harry —will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

Harry has sent the first page of Facing the Darkness,, a medical thriller. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.

6:00 a.m., January 2, Wuhan, China

One cannot destroy a major research project at the Wuhan Institute of Virology, steal all the research results, and expect to live a long life. But twenty-nine-year-old Dr. Meiling Chen, MD, Ph.D., was a woman who had always exceeded expectations.

Under cover of darkness, Meiling left her apartment near East Lake, a little north of the Wuhan lab. As she traversed a section of the walkway that compassed the lake, footsteps in the distance behind her sent tingling chills up the back of her neck.

Her fear did not come from anything she had done but from what she was about to do.

After the footsteps faded, Meiling stopped beside the lake. She removed the battery from her cell phone and threw both the cell and the battery into the dark water. That would hinder the twenty-four-hour surveillance conducted by the Chinese Communist Party, the CCP, but they had other less pervasive means of tracking her.

At some point, CCP agents or the People’s Liberation Army, via the PLA military police, would come after Meiling to do much more than disappear her because treachery was the greatest sin against the party, a sin punished by torture and death.

But what would grate the most on the pride of the CCP is that they had, for the first time, offered a post-doctoral fellowship to a virologist, an outsider from the Hong Kong School of (snip)

I have mixed feelings about this. On the off-putting side, the voice is distant, omniscient in feel. Not that that’s wrong, but I want to be immersed in a character’s experience so that I, too, can experience what’s happening.

There’s a hint of peril here, but it is not immediate. We sort of know what will happen next in that the risks raised here will come into play. But I think the fuel that creates a strong narrative comes from a character having to deal with imminent trouble. We don’t have that here. There is a certain amount of info-dumping going on as well. That would fare better with me if the character was in the midst of dealing with a serious problem.

Later we learn that she takes a flight to Hong Kong and nothing happens. So why did I spend all this time on the opening? I’d look later in the narrative for a better place to start. Your thoughts, readers?

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

your title
your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

February 17, 2025 | Permalink | Comments (2)

Flogometer 1186 for Suzy —will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

Suzy has sent the first page of a middle-grade novel. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.

Two Days Before the End of Sixth Grade

The sky turned the color of boiled carrots on the day Blaise learned the truth about his mom. And his dad. Outside his bedroom window, the sun looked more like an angry red amoeba than a warm, yellow ball. And beneath it, a strip of soot. Like a black marker swiped across the afternoon sky. Thicker and darker than yesterday.

He sat on his platform bed and dipped his chin to get a better view of the sun’s fiery rays. The brightness burned, but he couldn’t turn away. He leaned sideways, creaking the old mattress, and pointed. “Look.”

Next to him, his best friend, Dillon, fiddled with the lock on a rusty tackle box. “Would you stop worrying?” He kicked the heels of his sneakers against the three-rung ladder. “The fires are far away. Besides, we’ve got more important things to deal with. Like your little sister. She can’t hear this.”

“She …” The word squeaked out. Blaise took a deep breath. Did he smell smoke? “She’s in the kitchen. Coloring.”

“Great.” Dillon slipped a string off his neck that held a tiny gold key. He unlocked the tackle box, and the lid screeched open.

Blaise tore his eyes from the window and peeked inside, spotting the night-vision goggles (snip)

The opening paragraph has a good tease in it. (sidebar: in my world, raw carrots and boiled carrots are the same basic orange). However . . . I think more hints of jeopardy to come are needed in the opening page. Thoughtstarter: first, establish that the colors are from wildfires. You can do this in the first paragraph. No sense on holding back, and today's readers surely know about wildfires.</p>

<p>You later have good stuff about the wind. Move that up to be the second paragraph and include this sentence from later :

Wind made strong fires stronger. Carried flames higher. And closer.

That would foreshadow serious trouble coming his way. Your thoughts, readers?

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

your title
your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

February 14, 2025 | Permalink | Comments (1)

Flogometer 1185 for Sara —will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

Sara has sent the first chapter of We Are Stardust. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.

This isn’t the first time Calida Cyrene has been dragged into the middle of nowhere to be murdered, but she gets the feeling this will be the one that sticks.

She’s on her knees atop cracked earth rimmed with fertilizer deposits that glint under the midday sun. That vacant Colorado farmland stretches uninterrupted from one horizon to the other. The triggerman standing behind her with a gun pressed to the back of her head seems more motivated to ensure her body isn’t found than those who tried to kill her before. She’s not sure if that means she’s getting closer to the answer she’s been seeking for the last ten years or if this particular hitman just has more respect for the job than his predecessors.

“You don’t have to do this,” she says, though she knows it won’t change a thing. There’s no escape this time. Her blood boils at the idea. Not because she’s all that adverse to death, but because she hasn’t finished yet. “Whatever your boss thinks I have, I don’t.” (She does.)

She turns against the barrel of the gun to get eyes on him. The assassin snaps a picture of her with his phone, then pushes the gun against the side of her head, forcing her to look forward again. It won’t take long for him to get confirmation back on the photo, which means she has maybe ten seconds before he pulls the trigger. It will be a long ten seconds, she’s certain of that. Time never moves slower than when you’re anticipating a bullet crashing through your skull. Time’s funny that way. Calida was with her daughter for four and a half years. It took less than (snip)

Sold! The opening paragraph produces a powerful “what happens next” story question, and the rest of the page just piles on the tension with ten seconds before the trigger is pulled. Nice work. However, I do wonder about the “That” that starts the second sentence in the second paragraph. Easily fixed, of course. Strong voice, good writing, lots of questions. Well done. Your thoughts, readers?

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

your title
your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

February 12, 2025 | Permalink | Comments (3)

Flogometer 1184 for Ronald —will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

Ronald has sent the first chapter of Pell Yarwood. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.

After making certain Selwyn, Arabelle, and Eli were safely aboard his friend’s ship and headed for Old Boshem, Pell Yarwood sat in his lakeside cabin drinking wine and scratching Trout’s floppy ear. The dog leaned against his thigh as if sensing his heartache.

Pell had lost a good friend yesterday; just one of so many during the past four thousand years or so. Hume Renny had been the last in a long line of heartbreaking losses. As he thought fondly of his time with Hume — killed by a stray arrow meant for someone else — Pell recalled the first time this sort of tragedy devastated his life.

It had begun as one of the best days of his young life, but ended as the very worst.

Against his will, his mind drifted back for the millionth time. And as always, he did his best not to let the memory end with him in a wash of tears. But he knew it would be another wasted effort.

Suddenly, the painful memories of that day nearly five thousand years ago consumed him once again…

* * *

…Broken-Axe Lake grew choppy in the late afternoon as Pell piloted his fishing boat back to the docks in Doebry. Even though the lake had become a bit rough, he couldn’t help smiling.

This is the third best day of my life, Pell thought as his smile broadened.

The writing is just fine, and the voice is inviting. The writing is not the issue. The issue is the opening inviting me to indulge in a flashback. Which means to not carry on with the story you first introduced me to.

The opening did stir up considerable interest at the information that the protagonist is thousands of years old. But then the narrative leaves that fascinating tidbit behind for not-the-story.

Later we learn that the worst day in his life was the day his young, pregnant wife was killed by an unknown archer for an unknown reason. My advice: start in the market with Pell within hailing distance of his pregnant wife as he hurries to tell her about his wonderful fishing haul when an arrow hits her in the stomach. Recast all that happens next into as much real time as you can and leave the flashback out of it. If you need to move from this terrible scene to a later, present time, that’s easily done.

The ending of this chapter introduces three glowing, floating figures appearing to our drunken protagonist. That, along with the tragic shooting of his wife, is the start of a story I think I’d be interested in.

Suggestion: go through the first-page checklist with your manuscript open and see how they compare.

Readers, your thoughts?

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

your title
your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

February 10, 2025 | Permalink | Comments (2)

Flogometer 1183 for Victoria —will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

Victoria has sent the first chapter of Loving Georgia Caldwell. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.

Georgia Caldwell stood in the shadows beside the hangar’s open doorway, watching a sleek private jet roll to a stop on the concrete apron. She pulled the brim of her Stetson lower and narrowed her eyes against the glare of the bright June sunshine as a hatch in the side of the jet’s fuselage opened, automatically lowering a short set of steps.

She hadn’t seen Ty Harding in two decades, but there was no mistaking his blonde head as he stepped out of the doorway. He glanced towards the hangar, and she saw the lean hard planes above his cheekbones and tight, angular jaw. He wore jeans and a windbreaker over a plain white T-shirt instead of the Armani suit and hand-tailored silk shirt his website boasted he favoured. He liked John Lobb’s double-buckle shoes but wore regular, square-toed cowboy boots today. He paused at the top of the steps to speak to the member of the flight crew handing him a carry-on case.

Georgia pressed her lips together, buttoning down the surge of heat that swept through her, ignoring the liquid sensation in the pit of her stomach.

Damn him.

It was so wrong that he should have this effect on her. She saw him pause and look about, knowing he was expecting his mother to collect him. Georgia caught the moment he saw her, his eyes widening with recognition, then filling with concern. He hurried down the steps and walked (snip)

I’m thinking that this is a romance and, coming at it from that point of view, I think the story questions raised were good enough for a turn of the first page. But I think it could be stronger.

First thing I’d do is cut this sentence

He paused at the top of the steps to speak to the member of the flight crew handing him a carry-on case.

That would free up some space to increase the stakes here. I would look for a way to introduce the father’s heart attack, maybe right after Ty’s eyes fill with concern. She could wonder how he would take it, or wonder what he would think of the woman bringing him news about his father’s heart attack. Your thoughts?

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

your title
your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

February 07, 2025 | Permalink | Comments (2)

Flogometer 1182 for Max—will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

Max has sent a first page, no title. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.

The lonesome beam of Theo’s ’91 Honda Accord was a lost spotlight in the vast theater of the night, struggling against the thick blanket of darkness swaddling the twisted dirt road. Theo's irregular pulse thrummed against the vibrations the car's grumbling engine, a frantic rhythm that matched the wild race against time.

Luke, a ghostly presence in the backseat, haunted Theo in the rearview mirror. The pallor of his skin, unnaturally bright against the blood gathering beneath him, brought an icy grip to Theo's heart.

The wheel was slick with sweat under Theo's clenched hands. Every detail of the car seemed louder, more vivid than ever, the grime on the dashboard, the worn-out scent of the upholstery, the rusty groan of the shocks. Yet, one scent hung heavy in the air, a scent he refused to place a name to.

Ashgrove, their hopeful beacon, hid behind an intimidating maze of trees and unpredictable dirt roads. Theo coaxed the pedal closer to the metal, hoping the faithful car could cut through the distance, could win Luke more time.

"Luke, stay with me," Theo said, begging against the backdrop of the straining engine and the scrabbling of tires on loose gravel. Luke, nearly dead in the backseat remained silent, offering nothing but ragged, tortured breaths.

Max says this is his fourth shot at an opening page for this story, and he made it this time. The character is sympathetic, he’s got trouble and more is on the way. I wanted to know what happens next.

A couple of editorial notes: for me, the grumble of an engine didn’t seem like it could be frantic—the imagery didn’t work for me. Or did you mean his pulse? Unclear. I would reconsider opening with “the vast theater of the night“ as it seems too literary for an action sequence. Just a thought or two.

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

your title
your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

February 05, 2025 | Permalink | Comments (2)

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Flogometer 1191 for Suzie —will you be moved to turn the page?

Flogometer 1190 for Roberta —will you be moved to turn the page?

Flogometer 1189 for John —will you be moved to turn the page?

Flogometer 1188 for Mika —will you be moved to turn the page?

Flogometer 1187 for Harry —will you be moved to turn the page?

Flogometer 1186 for Suzy —will you be moved to turn the page?

Flogometer 1185 for Sara —will you be moved to turn the page?

Flogometer 1184 for Ronald —will you be moved to turn the page?

Flogometer 1183 for Victoria —will you be moved to turn the page?

Flogometer 1182 for Max—will you be moved to turn the page?

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