Flogging the Quill

Flog a BookBubber 307 Dean Wesley Smity—slow turns to snooze in this opening

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the opening of Chapter 1 in Kill Game: A Cold Poker Gang Mystery. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

May, 1992

Downtown Las Vegas, Nevada

The idea Jim had on a warm early-summer evening was to find the rumored place for afterhours dancing called “The Path.” Jim had just graduated high school, the proud class of 1992. He was headed next year to Stanford, full academic ride, and he was really looking forward to getting out of the desert in a couple months. He had been born and raised here and was excited about living somewhere else. Anywhere, actually.

Jim stood barely five-nine, had long brown hair, and a moustache he was doing his best to grow and mostly failing.

Sharon, his girlfriend over the last six months, also now graduated, wasn’t happy he was going so far away. She had been offered a scholarship at UNLV and had taken it. So between them there was a tension of the coming split.

Sharon was actually taller than Jim, with long blonde hair and skinny legs that seemed to always be stuffed into jeans a size too small. She had also done some light modeling and as she aged, she just got better looking.

Jim had no idea what she saw in him, but they always had such a good time together. They had two hobbies: Dancing and having sex in every place they could imagine or risk.

You can turn the page and read more here. This novel received 4.1 stars on Amazon. This is more of a prologue than a chapter in the primary narrative. It spends a lot of time introducing two kids who, I’m pretty sure, never appear again and don’t impact the story. But who would ever get there to find out? There’s not much to compel a page-turn here for me. I guess the only story question is how will the sex work out?

At the end of the chapter the kids find a body, and chapter two is twenty years later and introduces the retired cop who will be the main protagonist. That opens pretty slowly, too, but at least it focuses on the story (after a goodly amount of setup). Not for me. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

I had to study the image to figure out what it was—I think it’s doors on a wall of compartments in a morgue. The title treatment is just fine, and the author is as prominent as one can be when it’s that long. The image is a problem, though—it should communicate quickly, especially at thumbnail sizes. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1120 for Kevin — would you turn this page?

Hey, if you’re isolating like I am, get that trunk novel out and get to writing . . . and/or submitting the first chapter to the Flogometer to get free insights into how it’s working.

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Kevin sends the first chapter Insomnia . The rest of the narrative is after the break.

I should have known something was wrong when I let out a lion sized yawn and felt the bruise in my neck. I reached up to feel the tender spot when I noticed my elbow, completely black and yellow. I'm a theatre kid, so it's not like I got bruised playing sports. I tried to ignore the bruise when suddenly someone grabbed it, right on the most tender spot.

'Hey!' I yelled.

It was a kid about the same age as me, with dark skin and a turban on his head. 'Chris,' he hissed urgently.

'Do I know you?' I asked, yanking my arm away from him.

'Don't go in the maze,' he pleaded, 'If he doesn't get all of us, he can't restart the competition.' The boy flickered, as though, for an instant he became invisible, and when he reappeared, he was walking on the other side of me.

'What's going on?' I shook my head, 'What are you talking about?'

But I never got a chance to find out. A minivan pulled open beside us and a tall man with long thin arms reached and grabbed him. 'Don't mind my son,' he said with a grimace. I could see into the van for just a moment, and I realized it was way bigger on the inside than it was on the outside, like Mary Poppin's suitcase with Volswagen hubcaps. And then they were speeding off, and I was left speechless on the sidewalk.

The writing is okay here, as is the voice. But there’s no scene set, we have no idea where the character is. We can deduce a street when the minivan pulls up, but we shouldn’t have to backfill that tidbit of description.

More of an issue, though, is clarity. In the first paragraph, he discovers a bruise on his neck by yawning? Not terribly credible to me. The only way I’ve ever detected bruises on me was by sight and by touch. To continue with clarity issues. the “someone” grabs the bruise . . . but there are two bruises. I suspect the writer meant the one on his elbow, but it’s not clear. Then we have this: 

The boy flickered, as though, for an instant he became invisible, and when he reappeared, he was walking on the other side of me.

Flickering means in and out, very very quickly. See-notsee=see. On-off-on. When the narrative says “flicker,” that’s what I see. But here the kid didn’t actually flicker. He disappeared and reappeared on the protagonist’s other side. Another clarity issue. One other little thing: I create typos and misspellings, we all do. But before I send out work to the public, I proofread it. If that had happened here, we wouldn’t have “Volkswagen” written as “Volswagen.”

Lastly, there’s no real problem here, though I will say that the kid appearing and disappearing did raise a pretty good story question or two. So, what to do? Read this out loud, it might help you catch some of the things I've pointed out. And try to create a problem stemming from what happens on this page, not later. Your thoughts?

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2020 by Kevin.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flogometer 1119 for Erica — would you turn this page?

Hey, if you’re isolating like I am, get that trunk novel out and get to writing . . . and/or submitting the first chapter to the Flogometer to get free insights into how it’s working.

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Erica sends the first chapter Glass Chaos. The rest of the narrative is after the break.

For now, Sita was alone. Nothing else moved in all this sea of grass except her, a human dot with a racing heart and vapour-white breath.

Behind her, Uncle Chert’s mining camp still slept. When they woke, the dawn silence would be broken by the rumble of machinery and the shouts of workers. There’d be Dragon technicians jabbing at datapads with lightning claws while Uncle Chert patrolled the site, feathers hackled up with excitement and beak half-open ready to snap up every detail of what Sita had found yesterday.

So much Glass.

Hyperdrive impellers, trans-light beamers, anti-grav crystals, and Alien tech they couldn’t even name.

And the Finder was just a kid!

Sita gave a little skip. When they got home, loaded with more Alien wealth than anyone had ever seen, she’d be famous!

Her friends should know first.

She climbed a low ridge, hugging what she’d stolen tight against her chest beneath her threadbare coat. When she reached the top, the open steppe spread all around to the horizon. A cold wind hissed in the grass, making her dance for warmth.

But why shouldn’t she dance anyway? She was Sita the Seeker!

Good writing, likeable voice give this narrative a good start. Like many fantasy/science fiction novels, this one starts with building the world. Unfortunately, this world has no tension in it. The protagonist has no problems confronting her, nor are any in the foreseeable future.

There are no story questions here, no reason to keep reading other than to find out about this world. I skimmed through the first chapter, and learned that it’s all setup and exposition. My look was quick, but I didn’t see any problems arise, no story questions generated. I think this book starts somewhere after this chapter. My advice? Utilize the first-page checklist above and use it to see what elements you’re missing, the elements that create tension in the reader. Your thoughts?

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2020 by Gregory.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flog a BookBubber 306 Alberto Hazan—intriguing character + jeopardy

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the opening of the prologue for Dr. Vigilante, a thriller. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

Robert spotted the two men as they turned the corner.

Mid-twenties. Built like weightlifters. One tall, one squat. Voices loud, slurred. Probably heading back home from the bars.

They stopped, turned to check him out, then whispered to each other.

Robert knew he was a good target. It was three o’clock in the morning and he stood alone, in a secluded alley in Washington Heights. He carried ten thousand dollars’ worth of miniaturized spy equipment, including a Bluetooth audio-enhancing earpiece and a set of night-vision glasses with high-definition magnification. Despite the unbearable August heat and humidity, Robert wore his long-sleeved elastane top and his favorite pair of dark polyester pants. He didn’t care that the outfit made him look unarmed and vulnerable to anyone interested in picking a fight.

It’ll take them a minute to decide.

He turned his attention back to the building. By the time the two men approached, Robert would know which apartment he’d be visiting.

He switched on his earpiece and glasses and pointed a laser-thin mike toward the top floor. He knew the building’s layout from a foray with a pimp two years earlier. Six apartments on every floor. Each apartment eight hundred square feet. Living room and kitchen to the right of (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. This novel received 4.3 stars on Amazon. For me, there was good tension on this page and a strong character appeal. The character is in a perilous situation with big drunks eyeing him, but he’s preternaturally cool about it, which raises a “why?” story question. He’s also up to some mysterious spying, and that raises questions as well. Works for me. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

The cover mostly does a good job. Juxtaposing a gun with scalpels lets us know about genre and starts raising story questions. It amplifies the title. As far as creating interest, it does a good job. The only place it falls down is the small author name. The title could have overlapped the tray a little to make room for a larger name. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 305 Melissa F. Miller—wanna see a sloooooooow start?

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the opening chapter of Dark Path, a thriller. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

“Do you love the Lord?”

The assembled group roared a hearty ‘yes.’

“With all your heart?”

Another affirmation rang through the auditorium.

Pastor Bryce Scott waited until the echo died down. Then he raised his arms and searched the upturned faces at the edge of the elevated stage. “No, you do not. And do you know how I know?”

The room fell silent.

Bryce paced from one end of the platform to the other, as if he were a caged panther or a particularly nervous TED Talk speaker. The spotlights barely registered. He’d grown accustomed to their heat and brightness. He was full of the Spirit.

He continued, his voice taking on the cadence he used in his sermons, “Because if you love God, God will love you. And when God loves you, He will reward you materially. Do you have a Mercedes? No, you do not. A gorgeous home? No. A boat? Why not? Because you have not blessed God, so God has not blessed you.”

The air in the room grew heavy, still.

Bryce paused and allowed the uncomfortable silence to settle like a thick fog. Several (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. This novel received 4.3 stars on Amazon. So what do we have here? High-level writing, a strong voice. Scene is set. But . . . if the blurb hadn’t told us that this is a thriller, we sure wouldn’t know it from this. There’s very little tension here—there is a little stemming from his confrontation with the audience—but no story question other than wondering what he will follow that up with.

He has no trouble. No trouble is in sight. No story is in sight. This is setup, pure and simple. It’s not for this reader. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

The cover comes with an inch of being quite strong. The title andauthor are fine, the image of the moonlit sea interesting. For me, where it goes wrong by an inch is the placement of the author name to cover up therest of the foot of the sheet-covered corpse. It blocks a quick read at internet size for a skimmer. If it were perfectly clear, this would be a fine cover. I’ll give it a B. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 304 C.J. Archer—evidence that world-building does not a story tell

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the opening of the first chapter of The Palace of Lost Memories, a fantasy. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

Whispers of sorcery began when the palace's foundations appeared overnight. One frost-bitten day, the broad plain five miles from Mull contained nothing but grass and muddy puddles; the next, solid walls took shape as if they'd sprouted from the ground like daffodils at the first hint of spring. Looking at the completed building now, surrounded by mature formal gardens, I could see why those whispers had grown louder. Despite the distance between the palace and the clearing on Lookout Hill, where I stood, I could tell it was enormous. It must be four times as long as the street on which I lived, and it was certainly higher than the temple in the center of Mull. According to my father, it was even bigger than the main temple in Tilting, Glancia's capital city, where the last king had ruled from a crumbling old castle. That structure had taken three years to build. The palace had taken less than three months.

Three months in which not a single builder had been seen coming or going. No locals had been tasked with the labor, and according to the travelers and traders who now filled Mull's taverns to bursting, they hadn't come from elsewhere in Glancia or any of the neighboring kingdoms, either. It was as if they'd been conjured from the air and returned there after the palace's completion.

Magic.

Even I, a practical woman who believed in what she could see, hear and touch, couldn't (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. This novel received 4.3 stars on Amazon. The voice and the writing are professional, which gives a reader confidence. Like many fantasy novels, the author starts with world-building. I don’t take issue with that—as long as there is some kind of story, of tension introduced. You know what I’m talking about: story questions. Here, there are none. Nor a sense of jeopardy, of trouble ahead. Nothing is wrong or going wrong in this opening. So why turn the page? The strength of the narrative skills and your interest in magic might be enough, buy you risk turning the page to more world-building, not story. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

The cover image and the typography do a good job of signaling the genre. The colors are attractive, and we can easily understand it. Other than the author name being too small, this one works pretty well. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber303: Jerry Hatchett—story about power failure fails to have any energy (tension)

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the first chapter of Seven Unholy Days, a thriller. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

1:02 PM CENTRAL DAYLIGHT TIME (LOCAL)

GREAT CENTRAL ELECTRIC

YELLOW CREEK COMPLEX

NEAR IUKA, MISSISSIPPI

I felt trouble in Jimmy Lee Tarkleton’s handshake. It was a little strong and a little long. This man liked pissing contests.

“The inspection is scheduled for next week, Decker,” he said.

“If you have a problem, take it up with headquarters. They dispatched me.”

“For what?” He was a bearish man, thick-chested and sturdy, and he showed no sign of moving.

“Three days of excessive grid fluctuations. I’m here to identify the problem and recommend a solution.”

He yanked the handset from a wall phone and dialed. “This is Tarkleton at Central. Put me through to the director, right now.” He paced back and forth, tethered by the cord.

I looked into the fifty-foot-square nerve center of Great Central Electric. Acoustic walls, subdued indirect lighting in a high ceiling, big air-conditioning ducts. Fiberoptic cables fanned out to a long bank of servers and a crescent-shaped console held two rows of flush-mounted displays.

You can turn the page and read more here. This novel received 4.4 stars on Amazon. The character feels trouble right away, but I didn’t. There’s brief “conflict” as the two disagree, but no stakes. As it turns out, the feeling of trouble was a bait-and-switch bit of misleading narrative. The guy doesn’t turn out to be trouble, he turns out to be an ally.

Other than that little tease, what does this opening page have going for it in terms of story? How about zero? This may be a thriller, but not on the first page. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

A dramatic image that, along with the title, does communicate a global problem of some sort. The image is eye-catching, the title is strong, and the author name acceptable in size. It gets an okay from me. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber302: Isobel Blackthorn—good story questions, but clarity is an issue for this reader

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next is the first chapter of A Matter of Latitude, a thriller. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

The ocean heaves to its own pulse, angry and insistent, forcing its bulk against the rock; my wet and salty companion, silent, even as it roars. The tide runs high, the wind cyclonic, waves spill their spray into the fisherman's hut through the window cavity. The boom as each wave hits sends a lesser boom through me. )

I'm using a wooden table with a missing leg as a barricade. Also occupying the fisherman's hut are two backless chairs and three wooden crates, their slats rotting and brittle. In a cracked plastic bucket are short lengths of frayed rope, discarded as useless by their owner, along with scraps of fishing net, tangled and no good to anyone. )

I huddle in the back corner of this cold cell of a room with all the detritus, for all the good it's doing me. I can hear the canine, sniffing and whimpering outside: my stalker. The cavity should have been boarded up against the wind and the spray that coats everything in salt. My only comfort, it's too high for the dog. )

The cavity must be too high for the dog or it would have leaped in for the kill by now. Unless it's building up the courage or figuring out its approach. I don't care to think about it. The barricade would be useless against that snarling beast, but I'm not crouched down here on the cold stone floor hiding from a four-legged enemy. )

I reassess the condition of my body. I'm not in good shape. The dog bite on my left calf is (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. This novel received 4.2 stars on Amazon. Well, there’s jeopardy and peril here, for sure. The scene is fairly well set, and the protagonist clearly has things going wrong. I was going along fine until the next-to -last paragraph, and then clarity issues stopped me.

He says the barricade would be useless—yet the beast is snarling outside and not attacking, so it seems that the barricade is not useless. Then he says that he is NOT hiding from the four-legged enemy outside, perhaps hinting at a worse enemy. For me, this attempt at a teaser failed. Later we learn that he has been in a car accident that he doesn’t think was an accident. In addition to the dog bite he has a broken shoulder, so he’s in dire straits. But, for my money, those things should be included in this first page. All in all, didn’t grab me. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

The bullet hole in the windshield glass is a good element for signaling a thriller, so that’s fine. The typography and the author name work well, too. So the cover passes muster for me, though I wish there were more color to catch the eye. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 301: Cheree Alsop— strong writing and story questions

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the first chapter of Daybreak, a science fiction novel. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

A bright light pierced the darkness. Tiny motes of dust danced within the beam. Liora’s muscles tightened. The urge to run filled her despite the pressure of the bars against her back. She had tested them a thousand times, yet the need to do so again was difficult to suppress.

“Can you believe this?” a male voice asked. “I’ve never seen such a collection.”

“Yeah, and to think they were just left to rot. This has to be worth thousands,” a second voice mused.

Liora listened to their footsteps. Occupants in the other cages snarled, yipped, hissed, or ignored the men’s presence.

“What a freak show,” the first said. “Whoever ditched this carrier must have been collecting for quite some time.” He paused, then said, “I think this one’s from the Ursa Minor Galaxy.”

“Careful,” the other man warned. “Its venom can burn through your suit.”

“I don’t think it’s- ahh!” the man yelled.

The crashing sound of cages being knocked over followed.

The second man chuckled. “Told you.”

Liora’s heartbeat sped up when they rounded the last aisle. Their heavy boots thudded along the floor and the beams of their flashlights swept to the left and right. She wanted to duck, (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. This collection received 4.2 stars on Amazon. It’s good to see a science fiction opening that doesn’t bog down in specifying the world. This one is an immediate scene with things going on. There’s danger here—a creature with poison venom. A heroine who appears to be in a cage. Question: why is she caged? The men are clearly intruders. Question: what will happen when they find her? Is there any danger for her (as it seems)? So, plenty of story questions, good writing and voice. Worked for me. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

A good, strong cover. The image identifies the genre right away, and that big gun in her hands promises action, and her look promises a tough female protagonist. Title is strong, author name works pretty well. It does the job for me. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber300: Anni Taylor— brisk, clear, powerful story questions

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the first chapter of The Game You Played. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

There are two types of people in this world. People who steal other people and people who don’t.

There are lots of ways of stealing a person.

Grabbing a small child and running away with them is one of the worst ways of all.

Six months ago, you did that.

In the last days of December, the city of Sydney is shot with the blistering heat of summer, buzzing with festivals and exhibitions. The voices of Chinese, Japanese, British, American and other international tourists mingle with those of Australian couples and families.

At Darling Harbour, people dart in and out of the zoo, museums, and the IMAX, while diners people-watch from the open-air upmarket cafés and restaurants that hug the square-shaped harbour. In the middle of all this, a playground captures the children’s attention. The children grow shouty as they race from the water park to the giant slide to the climbing frames, their hands and faces sticky with ice-cream.

Luke and I were there then with our two-year-old son, Tommy.

You were there, too.

Watching.

Waiting for your chance to snatch him.

You can turn the page and read more here. This novel received 4.4 stars on Amazon. This opener starts out right with its crisp narrative style. Short sentences, short paragraphs, easy reading that adds up to a very strong “What happens next?” story question. The narrator is Tommy’s mother, so she’ll be the one telling us the story. I liked the voice, the quick setting of the scene, the tension that builds without the narrative shouting at us. I want to read this book. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

For me, the cover fails to communicate any sense of danger or urgency, of something that’s wrong. This could just be someone looking at their bills. I think an image that portrays a lost child or a grieving mother would be stronger. Title and author name fine, but could do better with the image.

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.