Flogging the Quill

Flogometer 1069 for Alison—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Alison sends the first chapter of a lower YA fantasy, The Girl with the Dragon-racoon. The first 17 lines follow, the rest is after the break.

Twenty minutes into her journey, and with at least twenty more to come, Emma fought the urge to pull into a side road and turn around, her irritation at being deceived rising. Not that she should have been surprised, given all the other instances where the truth had been bent a little. This would have to be the last time, whatever happened. She’d had enough.

Time, alarmingly, was marching on. Maybe a straight section of road would be just around the next corner, and she’d be able to go a little faster. At least to the speed limit. She rounded the bend, peering ahead, and the sight that greeted her had her hitting the brake hard, teeth clenched, hands tight around the steering wheel. A flatbed truck was approaching, only on her side of the road as it attempted to pass another vehicle.

The truck swung back to its own side, tipping perilously as it did so, and the driver, erudite fellow as he must have been, leaned out of his open window and flicked her a V sign whilst mouthing furious profanities.

Emma’s mouth fell open and she watched the truck disappear through her rear view mirror. Charming, she thought. Well good luck to him. It mattered little to her that his life expectancy would likely be short, but she felt sorry for any innocent party he might end up taking out with him. It was a scary thought – destiny dictating that you would cross paths with the likes of him, and being a safe and conscientious driver would matter not. Your fate would be (snip)

The writing is just fine in this opening, and it does open with an immediate scene. There’s a bit of tension with the oncoming truck, but that’s soon resolved. Emma is anxious, needing to get somewhere without breaking a time limit.

But where? Why? Does something on this page endanger her from achieving her goal? What are the stakes of not being on time? If it’s a job interview, it could mean the loss of the opportunity—but we don’t know that. And how bad can that be?

And that’s the primary problem for me with this opening. There’s no hint of what the story is about, it is devoted solely to driving to somewhere, and nothing goes wrong with that. In a recent post on Writer Unboxed, author Kathyn Craft says this:

Effective opening scenes orient your reader to a story’s core conflict while raising pertinent questions about the plot to come.

That’s basically what I advocate here on FtQ. In this opening scene, we don’t have an idea of what the story is about, much less its core conflict (and I’m talking about the whole chapter here, not just the first page). There are no story questions raised. No stakes related to either action or inaction. In other words, no tension to drive a reader to turn the page.

I think we have here a narrative that starts way too soon in the arc of the story. This is all setup, not story. The writing is good and Alison has a clear grasp of her character, so I encourage her to look further for the place where something goes wrong for Emma that is related to the story and begins to show how she deals with it. And there should be meaningful stakes—not getting a job is, ordinarily, not a terrible event.

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2018 Ray Rhamey, chapter © 2018 by Alison.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1068 for Barbara—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Barbara sends the first chapter of a lower YA fantasy, The Girl with the Dragon-racoon. The first 17 lines follow, the rest is after the break.

James Bond got it all wrong. Spy work wasn’t exciting. It sucked. Badly.

Tyro wiped her clammy hands on the skirt of her school uniform, staring at the darn filing cabinet in Mum’s dental clinic office. The blasted thing didn’t want to open, no matter how hard Tyro pulled the handle. Even the keys she’d found in the desk drawer didn’t work. When Mum said she took her clients’ privacy seriously, she meant it. As if having rotten teeth and cavities was such a huge secret.

Tyro turned to the closed door of the office. Mum’s voice drifted from the waiting room as she talked with a patient. Renzy, the receptionist, chatted on the phone in her high-pitched voice that could splinter rocks. No one should enter the office for now unless Mum needed one of her patients’ files.

Tyro grabbed a pair of scissors from the desk and slid a blade into the narrow gap over the top drawer of the cabinet. Applying a light pressure, she fiddled with the metal hook that locked the drawer. No luck. It didn’t budge.

“Blast!” She tossed the scissors on the desk, kicked the cabinet, and grimaced when a loud thud resounded. If Mum caught Tyro snooping around, she’d ground her forever. But Mum had put the report from the police in the cabinet, and Tyro needed to read it. The police might’ve discovered something about Dad’s murderer. She swallowed the knot that clogged her throat every time she (snip)

I like the voice, which feels right for a teenage girl. The scene is set, and the action is clear. But, for me, maybe there was too much of the latter—even though there was a good story-question hook in the last line about her Dad’s murder. There are fun and interesting paranormal elements to this world, but no hint on the first page. IMO, way too much time is spent on working on the cabinet.

Rather than doing an extensive commentary, I’m just going to edit and move good stuff onto the first page. A second poll follows. Meanwhile, this world does seem very entertaining, and a murder in a paranormal world could be fun.

For what it’s worth.

Revised version:

James Bond got it all wrong. Spy work wasn’t exciting. It sucked. Badly. Tyro wiped her clammy hands on her skirt, staring at the darn filing cabinet in Mum’s dental clinic office. The keys she’d found in the desk wouldn’t open it. Mum took her clients’ privacy seriously. As if having rotten teeth and cavities was such a huge secret.

But she wouldn’t quit. Mum had put the police report in the cabinet, and the police might’ve discovered something about Dad’s murderer. She swallowed the knot that clogged her throat every time she thought about Dad.

The cabinet key had to be in a place where no one would ever search like … the forbidden fridge. It stood in a corner, half-covered by a giant rhododendron, and contained food for Mum’s not-human patients. Not-human … monstrous was more like it.

Tyro went to the fridge, her sneakers leaving marks on the blue rug a vampire had once ripped in two after reading the bill for cleaning his fangs.

She crouched and read the bright red letters on the sign that said, “Underworld-lings food only, not adapted for human consumption. Keep out of the reach of children.” The warning had to be exaggerated. Vampires, werewolves, and zombies had to eat something normal people would enjoy. They had bad teeth like humans, judging by how busy Mum’s schedule was.

She opened the door one inch at a time as if handling a bomb. A rancid smell, like a (snip)

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2018 Ray Rhamey, chapter © 2018 by Barbara.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Put your words on trial

A recent article on Writer Unboxed titled "Putting Your Words on Trial" by Julie Carrick Dalton resonated with me—and issued a challenge, too, because I’m close to going back through my WIP.

It’s an article well worth reading. She started her adventure in word-judging by looking at her manuscript at the chapter level. She asked her chapters this question:

What is your purpose? The answer on the chapter level must relate to plot. Does this chapter or scene either move the plot forward or fundamentally develop a character or relationship? If a chapter’s purpose was rooted in setting, mood, theme, or pretty language, I stopped and reconsidered. Would anyone miss you if you disappeared forever?

When she summarizes her approach, it involved four steps, the first being chapters:

Put your chapters and scenes on the stand.

• Why are you here?
• Would anyone care or notice if you ceased to exist?
• Are you vital to the plot?
• Are you crucial to developing character?
• Do you move the plot forward by building suspense?
• Do you create vital story questions that move the plot forward?

My favorite item on the list is the last one about story questions. She goes on to dig deeper and deeper, and that’s why this is worth reading.

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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© 2017 Ray Rhamey

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Hold that thought . . .

Under the weather today, be back at the keyboard Monday.

Ray

 

Flogometer 1067 for Michelle—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Michelle sends the first chapter of Colorless Rainbows . The first 17 lines follow, the rest is after the break.

He approached her beneath the street light—his cold, inhuman glare never faded even as she pleaded for him to stop. Up went the gun, too fast. BAM. BAM. BAM.

A tingly wave rushes into my head. I can’t move because my feet are tangled between the legs of my desk chair and my left shoulder is searing with pain. I’m lying on the floor—not sitting upright like I was five seconds ago wishing I was elsewhere.

I open my eyes slowly, and voices pop up from all directions:

“Emily, are you okay…?”

“Hi, I have a student who just collapsed onto the floor—”

“Help her up…”

Two pairs of arms hoist me up off the floor. I yell about the pain in my shoulder, so the two guys lifting me shift their hands around until I stop wincing. My head starts to ache, and I feel nauseated. I don’t think I’m going to throw up, though maybe I did already and just don’t realize it. The noise of the panic around me makes it impossible to hear myself think.

The last thing I remember was Ms. Lennon droning on and on about the significance of Lady Macbeth scrubbing her hands while sleepwalking. I was also thinking about how I should have had breakfast at home. I had planned on getting French toast sticks in the cafeteria but (snip)

The voice and writing are good, and the scene definitely opens with something going wrong for the protagonist. The italicized first paragraph is also interesting and contains jeopardy. But how well does it all work together?

I assumed that the opening paragraph—let’s call it the “vision”—was directly related to Emily waking up on the floor of her classroom. But then confusion set in when the last paragraph tells us that the last thing she remembers is the teacher droning on and on—and not the vision. So is the vision not connected to what happens to her? If not, then why is it there?

For me, it seems like the vision needs to be tied more firmly to Emily’s experience. We should know for sure that it was her vision and it was the reason for her passing out. That leads to strong story questions. As it is, the lack of clarity is a barrier to turning the page. For example, what if the story opens with Emily's eyelids drooping as the teacher drones and then the vision hits her, things go black, and then she wakes up on the floor. Now we know that the two are connected and we want to know more.

There are a few edits to suggest. The first is to have hands help her up, not arms. A second is to eliminate the part about the guys shifting their hands around—just let her yell about her pain and get on with it. Maybe the hands should help her sit in her desk chair—it seems as though she continues to stand. My vote would be to help her sit. A third is to cut the part about hearing herself think—just let us know that the noise makes it impossible for her to think. BTW, the phrase “to hear myself think” is a cliché that should be avoided.

The rest of the chapter is a straightforward accounting of going to the nurse’s office and some backstory. But the tension level stays pretty flat because there’s no more connection to the vision, and no more story questions are raised. Her assumption is that she just fell asleep and doesn't think about the vision at all. IMO it should be remembered and worry her. I suspect this story could start later, or that most of the business about going to the nurse can be cut to get us directly to something really going wrong that’s connected to the vision.

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2018 Ray Rhamey, chapter © 2018 by Michelle.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 176: J.K. Accinni—foreshadows of overwriting a deterrent

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter in the first book from a sci fi collection, Alien Species Intervention: Books 1-3: An Alien Apocalyptic Saga. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

It came to young Netty in her sleep. The first probing finger, an aura glinting under the sleeping eyelids of her brain, unnoticed. She lay under shabby blankets in the primitive bed of her murdered mama, in the tiny remote cabin of a loving childhood. Now, her debilitated physical condition crippled her to the point of numbness. She tossed in her sleep, disturbed by the pain of the injuries that continued to bedevil her, taking unwanted turns with the unseen alien presence which explored her unguarded mind.

The night passed too quickly, as it always does when overwork and fear become your only companions. Rising early, intending to continue the repairs she doggedly hoped to complete, she found herself ignoring the fireplace that begged a spark.

Drawn to the broken door of the cabin, she stared into the quiet woods at the far side of the field, affected by an unfathomable magnetic pull. Nothing moved; familiar maples and oaks were frozen in their leafy majesty. The eerie stillness unaccountably frightened her. She felt goose bumps lift the hairs on her plump work-worn arms. Against her will, she stepped out onto the narrow stoop and down the few steps to head across the fallow field.

Netty trudged around the wild blackberry thickets until she came upon the hint of a faint path; all that remained of the well-worn trail she’d traveled incessantly as a child. The nebulous pathway led her directly through the foreboding woods until she reached a familiar cleft in a (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This collection earned 3.8 stars on Amazon. There’s a point in the film Amadeus when the emperor tells Mozart that his music has “too many notes.” A sense of too many words grew as I read this opening, and anticipation of overwriting grew. It felt as if every noun had an adjective and every verb an adverb: young Netty, probing finger, shabby blankets, primitive bed, murdered mama, tiny remote cabin, loving childhood, debilitated physical condition, unwanted turns, unseen alien—and that’s just the first paragraph.

Despite all the description, too much is vague. The antecedentless pronoun “It” that opens the paragraph--what does it refer to? Later, I can deduce that it refers to the alien presence, but I shouldn't have to work that hard to understand what's going on. Her physical condition is “debilitated,” but in what way? She has injuries, but what are they? She nonetheless seems able to get up and move. There may be an alien involved, but, for me, that hint of story was buried by the writing. And the writing foreshadows more of the same. I skimmed ahead, and I wasn’t wrong. And I found this narrative continually interrupted by chunks of backstory. Pass. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 175: W.J. May—how interesting is a bald guy? Not so much.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter from a fantasy collection, The Chronicles of Kerrigan Prequel. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

“AND that, kids, is your last class till the New Year!” Lanford actually sounded excited. For a first-year teacher, he probably was. He now had two weeks of Christmas break with no kids to lecture or tutor. Nor did he have to hang out in the dingy halls of the decrepit old buildings of Guilder.

Simon sighed. He knew he was being unreasonable. Professor Lanford wasn’t that bad; besides the fact, the guy was starting to lose his hair. He didn’t look super old, but by the time the professor was in his sixties, Simon bet Lanford would be sporting a wig or one very bad-looking comb-over. Simon ran his fingers over his own curly mop of brown hair. That was never going to happen to him.

Focus, Simon. Making fun of Lanford’s increasing forehead size wasn’t the reason he was off today. He grabbed his bag and threw it over his shoulder before heading out of the Oratory. The carvings on the walls seamed to follow him as he headed out. He shuddered. The whole campus was eerie. All based on a stupid theory by King Henry VIII, and now he, Simon Kerrigan, was trapped in this place for another two and a half years.

His mother always moaned that time sped up as you grew older. It couldn’t freakin’ move fast enough now. He was the only kid in his year who didn’t have his tatù yet. Guilder Boarding School, in all its finery, had moved him up a year because of his apparent brain smarts. True, he (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This novel earned a solid 4.4 stars on Amazon. Three novels for the price of none is hard to resist, but worth the price (of your time) only if the stories are good. It happens that I’ve read some of the novels for which this collection is the prequel (flogged them a while back). They were pretty good, the writing was solid like this opening is, and the magic was fun.

Which brings us to this opening page. Story questions? Nope. Hints of the supernatural, or magic? None. Long, boring description of a balding teacher? Yep. And I’ll wager that his baldness has naught to do with the story. So, on the strength of this opening—actually, lack of—this gets a pass from me. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1066 for Tiffany—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Tifanny sends the first chapter of The Element. The first 17 lines follow, the rest is after the break.

I could just see the edges of her crimson cloak sweeping the floor as she was led away by black muddy timber boots. I could swear I heard the choke of her stifled outcry and saw the sudden whip of her cloak. Had he yanked her arm? Just that afternoon all the Girls of 16 had prepared with great cheer for the Cloaking rites we’d worked toward for the last ten years. As the first class to receive these rites, no higher honor had ever been bestowed to anyone at The Element. We were the first to don the red cloak. We were the fulfilled promise of the prophecy.

I glanced over at Jude who motioned toward the doorsill frantically. I peeked again. Nothing. Cassie was gone.

I stood, eyes like orbs, and lifted my index finger to my lips. Jude nodded and we moved quietly away from the door and sat on my bed together.

“What happened?” Jude whispered.

“Someone took Cassie.” I said.

Jude began to tremble as I took her in my arms and drew her plump head to my chest.

“It’s going to be alright. The prophecy requires sacrifice.” I said, unconvincingly.

My head was spinning, heart flippity flopping in my chest. First there’d been gentle Eva, then the rambunctious yet adorable tow-headed twins Lena and Louren. They’d been allowed to say their goodbyes. We’d see them soon, we were assured, after their transcendence. Now Cassie (snip)

There is some tension and mystery here, and the voice feels right for a teenage girl. This feels like a dystopian story, and I always enjoy those. Because of the narrator’s emotions, the story question does have some weight—what has happened to Cassie? There’s a related story question—will it happen to the narrator and Jude. However, I think the writing, while pretty clear and technically correct, needs more thought put into it. I’ll do a quick edit below. Your thoughts?

I could just see the edges of her crimson cloak sweeping the floor as she was led away by black muddy timber boots. I could swear I heard the choke of her stifled outcry and saw the sudden whip of her cloak. Had he yanked her arm? Just that afternoon all the Girls of 16 had prepared with great cheer for the Cloaking rites we’d worked toward for the last ten years. As the first class to receive these the rites, no higher honor had ever been bestowed to anyone at The Element. We were the first to don the red cloak. We were the fulfilled promise of the prophecy. Boots, all by themselves, can't lead anyone anywhere. This doesn't make sense. She can be led away by a person wearing boots, of course.

I glanced over at Jude, who motioned toward the doorsill frantically. I peeked again. Nothing. Cassie was gone. Adverbs with verbs are weak description. Either show it somehow--her hands fluttering, she motioned . . . etc.?--or don't use it.

I stood, eyes like orbs, and lifted my index finger to my lips. Jude nodded and we moved quietly away from the door and sat on my bed together. Eyes ARE orbs. Don't need to show index finger, the reader will picture it just fine, it's a tiny bit of overwriting. Same for "together."

“What happened?” Jude whispered.

“Someone took Cassie.” I said. She can't know that someone took her, she just saw a cloak and boots, but she can think/believe.

Jude began to tremble, so as I took her in my arms and drew her plump head to my chest. We're in close third person, it's unlikely that she would be thinking about her friend's head being plump.

“It’s going to be alright. The prophecy requires sacrifice.” I said, unconvincingly. But I didn't believe what I said. Adverb description doesn't work. How does someone say something unconvincingly? Use something like the addition to indicate this.

My head was spinning, heart flippity-flopping in my chest. First there’d been gentle Eva, then the rambunctious yet adorable tow-headed twins Lena and Louren. They’d been allowed to say their goodbyes. We’d see them soon, we were assured, after their transcendence. Now Cassie (snip) Spinning head is a cliche, the heart description does the job (should be hyphenated). Deleted "in my chest" because that's the only place her heart can be, we all know that. Re tow-headed: we don't need all this description of people who we'll never see.

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2018 Ray Rhamey, prologue and chapter © 2018 by Tiffany.

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My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 174: Bernie Van De Yacht—strong voice, soft opening still inviting

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter of A Man Walks into a Hardware Store. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

The tarnished shop bell’s high-pitched tone signaled his entrance into her life, as well as into the antiquated hardware store where she'd worked for as long as she could remember.

Her first image of him was through the convex security mirror suspended over the “Nuts and Bolts” aisle. His face had a haunted look. It was eerily reminiscent of the lost potential and unforgiving harshness of a mug shot, yet there was residual evidence suggesting he hadn’t always looked this way. There were the soulful brown eyes framed in long lashes, the full head of dark hair graying around the temples, and the cleft chin. She’d always had a thing for cleft chins.

She knew he wasn’t from around these parts by the way he was dressed—conservative white-collar attire, pressed and creased in all the right places, just like you see in those men’s fashion magazines that nobody buys. He was nothing like the cowboys in Porterville. They were just creased. And dusty. No, he was different, and she was intrigued by different. Different rarely entered her hardware store.

She hunched over the counter, watching him with a mixture of bemusement and pity. He was looking for something and she could easily help him. But that would spoil all the fun of waiting for him to ask. ’Cause she knew all men hated to ask.

He looked uneasy and restless as he wandered down aisle after aisle. She figured he did (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This novel earned a remarkable 4.9 stars on Amazon. The title was irresistible—I just had to check this out. The opening has the feel of a romance, yet romance is not among my BookBub categories, which are primarily crime fiction, mystery, suspense, science fiction, and fantasy. I’m still nto sure how this one fits, but the blurb does refer to secrets.

But what about turning the page? The voice and the writing are strong, smooth, and professional. There are hints of tension in the way the woman thinks about what she sees in this customer. They suggest that this man could be trouble in some way, but there’s nothing solid, is there? Bottom line, unless you’re into romance, this opening page doesn’t offer a strong opening story questions. Yet, for me, there was appeal.

The unique flavor of the title promises an unconventional and interesting writer at work, so I did scan ahead. I’m pretty sure I’ll read this one despite a non-so-compelling opening. In my regular floggings of unpublished authors I’d give this an “Almost.” Here I’ll turn the page but also vote for getting some editorial input to see if there’s a way to make the opening more of a grabber. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 173: Denise Grover Swank—good hook, but I had doubts

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter of Twenty-Eight and a Half Wishes. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

It all started when I saw myself dead.

Rain hung heavy in the air that Friday afternoon. The air conditioning of the old municipal building didn’t know how to handle it, making the office especially chilly. I’d just returned from lunch and grabbed my worn red sweater out of my drawer as I sat down at my workstation. The fluorescent lights flickered overhead, casting a sickly gray pallor over the room.

I sucked in a breath to prepare myself for the next few hours. All that rain was bound to ruin a lot of Memorial Day weekend plans, making the DMV customers even crabbier than their usual.

“Number fifty-three,” I called out over the counter as I turned on my computer screen.

A scruffy man in his mid-thirties approached and plopped his paperwork on the chest-high counter in a huff.

“I need to renew my plates,” he said. Irritation made his voice scratchy.

I looked him over as I tugged the paperwork toward me. Gray-tinged stubble covered his face, a sharp contrast to his shaggy dark brown hair. His light brown eyes held a menacing glare. I chided myself for my foolishness. Everyone has menacing eyes at the DMV on a Friday afternoon, even the sweetest of grandmas.

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This novel earned 4.4 stars on Amazon. I wavered on this one. The writing is okay—I’d quibble with a few word choices—but the voice is otherwise sound. The scene is pretty well set, and the first line is a strong teaser. I do have one issue—plenty of time is spent on the fact that it’s raining and its effect on people. I skimmed ahead, though, and the rain does not play a part in what happens next in the first chapter. So why all that time spent with rain? Get on with it. The hook was strong enough for a page turn, but I’ll need more real soon. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.