In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books from BookBub. The challenge is if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Here is the prologue opening of Never Run A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that these authors should have hired an editor.
"Wait up!" Breathlessly, Courtney Flax pulled back against her boyfriend's grasp. "Not so fast!"
The grass brushed her ankles, chilly and damp from evening dew. Ahead, Eagle Lake gleamed in the moonlight.
Courtney thought the expanse of water looked dark and somehow foreboding. In mid-May, she knew it would still be icy cold.
Gary, her boyfriend, had suggested the swim on the way back from their friend’s house. Now, she was thinking it was a bad idea.
"Come on, Court," Gary said, tugging her forward again. "It'll be fun. Trust me."
"But Gary, it's freezing."
"Court, don't be such a baby," he said. "Life’s an adventure!"
"Gary, seriously. I don't like swimming in the dark. Can't we do this some other time?"
"It's a full moon! You'll be able to see just fine."
"I don't think so," Courtney said, bracing herself with her feet glued to the silvery grass. "I'm cold."
"Oh, c’mon," he said, tugging her hand. "It's not that cold."
Courtney forced down a wave of fear. "Maybe not for you," she said.
You can read more here. This earned 4.3 stars on Amazon. There’s a sense of jeopardy here—a cold lake in the dark of the night—and the protagonist is fearful. Story questions are good—will she be forced into the water? What will happen to her?
But, for me, the writing didn’t make the cut. Examples: the second paragraph has her ankles being chilly and damp (it’s the grass that is). “expanse of water” is a stiff and unlikely description to be in her thoughts. Her feet were glued to silvery grass—really? The promise here is more of the same, and it’s not for me. Your thoughts?
Traveling today, but took a quick look at my daily BookBub email. This attracted me because I'm a fan of Westerns, but did it have a turn-the-page quality? See what you think for yourself. I believe you'll guess my response. Click here.
I'm out of the office today and forgot to bring my Flogometer folder with me.
Meanwhile, in case you didn't see this, here's a post from Writer Unboxed about creating tension, something for which we're always in hot pursuit. The article is here.
In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books from BookBub. The challenge is if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Here is the opening page of Shadow Kill. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that these authors should have hired an editor.
The man John Kovac was hunting swerved to avoid a puddle, muttering to himself in his native Japanese. He crashed into a row of pushbikes, then trudged forward again.
The clatter in the otherwise quiet alley was explosive, but no lights came on.
They were alone. Just Kovac and his target.
The man’s name was Yoshinori Yamada. He was five nine, 170 pounds, with a gait that left both feet sticking out a little.
Like a penguin, Kovac thought.
Yamada was in the yakuza, but there were no tattoos. There was no little finger chopped off at the first joint, either. The guy was a suit, a salaryman practically, with a gift for finding young women and putting them to work in alleys just like this one. He wouldn’t be mourned.
The quiet returned, broken now only by Yamada’s drunken mumbling and a faint buzzing overhead.
Kovac glanced up. No one in the topmost windows and no one behind him… The buzzing sound wasn’t a drone. It was coming from a thick nest of electrical wiring clumped to a street pole. Wires fanning up to roofs and down to red, purple and yellow snack bar signs, and all of it reflected in the fluorescent puddles underfoot.
Yamada lurched towards the next alley. He was still handsome, albeit in a baby-faced, (snip)
You can read more here. This earned 4.5 stars on Amazon. A pretty good thriller opening. Good voice, clean writing, and story questions: will the protagonist kill his target, and why is he doing this. I’d give it another pate. Your thoughts?
Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.
Alice had sent the first chapter of Get Up Eight, but then she emailed me because a nighttime inspiration led her to a rewrite. She told me to select the best one. I’d rather you did the work, so what follows are the two opening pages and then a poll.
The rest of the chapter from version 1 is after the break. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.
Version 1
Strange time to remember this, on the slippery edge of a deadly cliff, but suddenly I’m back on my first day at the Crystal Creek School of Benevolent Leadership.
All sixteen of us are hefting our backpacks into the Boys Dorm to choose a bunk partner and settle in. I enter last, trying not to draw attention, but it makes no difference. The chatter dies and the faces turn my way.
It’s pretty clear everyone knows who I am or, more to the point, who my dad is. But right now the air is more uncertain than negative. I sense they’re waiting for me to say 'Yeah, my dad's an asshole' so they can all smile and welcome me into their circle.
But I don't. Because he's not.
The silence turns ominous. Benevolence is a distant concept.
Back at my high school, I was a relatively proficient class clown but humor can’t help me here. It couldn’t even help me there at the end.
Then a thin but muscular guy unloading his pack to my right turns around, reads the room in a second and smiles: “Rhino Rodgers, dude, if you’re not too famous to hang out with a nobody, we could share a bunk.” And that’s as good an explanation as any for why, nine months later, I’m about to risk my life to save Tracker.
Because right now Tracker is wobbling. We’re lined up along a ledge with six (snip)
Version 2
Blame it on our fathers.
Sesh and I were doomed to tension and heartbreak before we ever met. Her father, the amazing, beloved political comedian Andy Sessions, was brutally murdered last year. My father, defense attorney Daniel Rodgers, set the murderer free.
Or blame it on a cosmic sadist that we ended up here together at the Crystal Creek School of Benevolent Leadership. Specifically, out here right now next to each other on this slippery ledge in one-legged tree pose, soaked with spray from Upper Crystal Falls.
Eight of us students share the ledge but fittingly, I’m right between the girl who hates me and the guy who loves me. The guy is Tracker, who saved my life when we first entered the Boys Dorm on opening day. I was trying not to draw attention but the chatter died and the faces turned my way, more uncertain than negative at first. They wanted me to say 'Yeah, my dad's an asshole' so they could smile and welcome me into their circle.
But I didn't. Because he's not. The silence turned ominous.
Then a thin but muscular guy unloading his pack to my right turned around, read the room in a second and smiled: “Rhino Rodgers, dude, if you’re not too famous to hang out with a nobody, we could share a bunk.” Which is as good an explanation as any for why, nine months later, I’m about to risk my life to save Tracker.
Jill sent a second opening because she was concerned that, right off the bat, her narrative went to backstory, a flashback, and the checklist says not to do that. Well, in writing fiction, there are no rules—the checklist is a list of tools that can work for you, but not a list of rules. I’ve read opening pages that “violated” more than half of the checklist that were quite successful.
So, for Jill’s openings, I like the original one, number 1, and would give it a page turn. The flashback works because it has tension in it, it raises story questions, and it does a good job of setting the scene of the story and introducing two sympathetic characters. And, before the page ends, we’re back in the scene with jeopardy threatening. Well done.
As for opening 2, I think it tries for too much by cramming in a third character. Let the scene in opening 1 play out and then get to the girl, the murder, and whatever else awaits after that. I think Jill shows plenty of talent and that plus her willingness to rethink her narrative speaks well of her future. This sounds like a fun story. Your thoughts?
In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Here is the opening of the prologue of The Housemaid. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that these authors should have hired an editor.
If I leave this house, it will be in handcuffs.
I should have run for it while I had the chance. Now my shot is gone. Now that the police officers are in the house and they’ve discovered what’s upstairs, there’s no turning back.
They are about five seconds away from reading me my rights. I’m not sure why they haven’t done it yet. Maybe they’re hoping to trick me into telling them something I shouldn’t.
Good luck with that.
The cop with the black hair threaded with gray is sitting on the sofa next to me. He shifts his stocky frame on the burnt-caramel Italian leather. I wonder what sort of sofa he has at home. It sure doesn’t cost five figures like this one did. It’s probably some tacky color like orange, covered in pet fur, and with more than one rip in the seams. I wonder if he’s thinking about his sofa at home and wishing he had one like this.
Or more likely, he’s thinking about the dead body in the attic upstairs.
“So let’s go through this one more time,” the cop says in his New York drawl. He told me his name earlier, but it flew out of my head. Police officers should wear bright red nametags. How else are you possibly supposed to remember their names in a high-stress situation? He’s a detective, I think. “When did you find the body?”
I pause, wondering if this would be the right time to demand a lawyer. Aren’t they (snip
You can read more here. This earned 4.6 stars on Amazon. It must be the month for the rare prologue that works to entice me. The writing and voice promise a professional experience with the narrative, and the narrative itself raises strong story questions right from the first sentence. The prologue had me wondering about the story behind the body and why the character was anticipating arrest. Is she or he guilty or not guilty? Works for me. Your thoughts?
In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Here is the opening of the first chapter of Keep Her Quiet. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that these authors should have hired an editor.
I look down at my enormous belly and touch where the baby’s heel is pressing. It’s getting on for midnight and my contractions are five minutes apart. The rain is illuminated by streetlights, glistening on the eerily quiet road. Leo darts a glance at me and I smile back. His concern is gratifying.
Ahead of us the traffic lights switch to red and Leo brakes too hard, startling a woman about to cross the road. She sends him a look of indignation and strides forward. Her short, belted coat looks inadequate. She’s wearing extremely high heels. On her way home from a first date, I decide, as a gust of wind turns her umbrella inside out.
Has she been good? Or has she done something she might regret, like I have? I stifle the thought. Nothing is going to spoil this.
‘Sorry about that,’ Leo says. ‘All right?’
This time my smile is through gritted teeth. ‘I’m fine. Just don’t kill anyone.’
Leo grunts in annoyance.
‘C’mon, for Pete’s sake.’
I laugh at him, then groan as a contraction rolls through me.
‘Breathe,’ Leo encourages.
You can read more here. This earned 4.4 stars on Amazon. As someone who has driven his wife who was in labor to the hospital, I had immediate sympathy for these characters. But the only questions are how’s the birthing going to turn out? Boy or girl? Who cares?
The business with the woman and her umbrella in the crosswalk prevents a bit of narrative reaching the first page that does raise story questions sufficient to provoke reading more, IMO. The missing stuff:
I’ll forget what I did. It’s in the past, it’s gone. Constantly beating myself up over it will achieve nothing. Leo and I love each other, so why rock the boat? The truth can be so destructive.
I think the author missed an opportunity that a sharp editor could have helped her avoid. Your thoughts?
In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books from BookBub. The challenge is if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Here is the opening of the first chapter of The Advocate’s Felony. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that these authors should have hired an editor.
Three weeks later
It was fourteen minutes past two in the morning when the phone rang. Attorney Sabre Brown was startled by the blaring sound of the ringtone by the Goo Goo Dolls. She turned over and forced her eyes open. Confusion filled her mind for a second, quickly replaced by fear. Phone calls in the middle of the night never brought good news. She reached for her cell phone on the nightstand, not bothering to turn on the lamp.
“Blocked Number” glowed on her phone. Sabre slid the bar over on the touchscreen.
“Hello,” she squeaked. She cleared her throat. “Hello,” she said again.
“Sabre,” the male voice said softly. Sabre sat up in one jerky motion. She was shocked at the voice she heard on the other end of the line. Her heart pounded and her hands shook. “Ron?” she said louder than she intended. “Is that you?”
“It’s me,” he whispered.
Sabre hesitated. She so desperately wanted it to be her brother, but she didn’t trust that it was really him. Ron had been gone so long, over seven years. What if it was a trick? But that deep, baritone voice was tough to duplicate.
“What was the name of our childhood pet?” Sabre asked, remembering a code they had once created.
This earned 4.5 stars on Amazon. Being awakened by something is such a common trope you’d think writers would steer away from it. We’re so numbed by that kind of thing that your story had better strike quickly. Luckily, this one does raise good story questions before the page is done. There’s a sense of jeopardy ahead, nicely aroused by her cautionary identification of the caller and that he, her brother, has not been heard from for seven years. I think the tension could have been amped up if the first page had included the fact that the brother has been in a witness protection program for those years, and he was not supposed to contact her. So I’d read on a little. Your thoughts?
"Wait up!" Breathlessly, Courtney Flax pulled back against her boyfriend's grasp. "Not so fast!"