Flogging the Quill

Flogometer 1076 for Leslie—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Leslie sends the first chapter of Flying Solo. The rest of the chapter follows the break.

At this very moment, all over the world, someone is taking a lover, having an affair. Someone is cheating or being cheated on. Someone is lying to a spouse. Someone is walking out on a relationship. Today, I’ll join that loathsome club.

Waking early was a struggle, a cowardly way to leave. To call it quits and skulk away from Sloane while he slept. I knew the distance separating me from my husband would never again be measured in inches. It would be in miles. The sun rising over the Thames would be my only witness.

A faint sound, like the squeaky prayer of a mouse caught in a trap, slipped from my lips as I wrapped my chenille robe around me to ward off the London chill and tip-toed toward the bedroom door.

The rasp of Sloane’s whiskey-laced breathing, rhythmic as a metronome, edged under the frame and faded as I felt my way through familiar spaces toward our guest suite. Nightlights cast tiny white halos on the speckled marble, cold to my bare feet.

I turned on the dresser lamp and leaned toward the merciless mirror to see eyes swollen with pillows of angry tears. Tears that had refused to fall yesterday when I heard the news. The news that galvanized my decision to end my marriage.

I bridled at the memory and closed my lids, trying to bring down the shutters on my life, (snip)

Once I got past the first italicized paragraph, I was interested. I think the strongest opening is the first sentence of the second paragraph, and I’d delete the musing that starts—and threatens to stall—the opening narrative. The rest of the page brings up viable story questions. Will she be caught sneaking out? Since he’s a drinker, will he hurt her if he wakes up and catches her? What will happen next.

There is a signal that a flashback is coming, and it is, but this is one of the good kind, the kind that enhances and deepens your understanding of what’s going on. And it’s mercifully short. I thought there were some issues later in the chapter, but this opening page, minus the first paragraph, worked for me. Your thoughts?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2018 Ray Rhamey, chapter © 2018 by Kathy.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1075 for Eoghan—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Eoghan sends the first chapter of Hiding in Plain Sight. The rest of the chapter follows the break.

Just before afternoon coffee break, the art dealer decided to kill Roberta Lord.

Compressing a tennis ball, he gazed out of the corner office window, watching another heavy snow shower blanket the area between Harbour Street and Market Square. Snow was a natural enemy; it meant tracks and traces, but with more prolonged showers forecast for tonight, it would hide footprints and allow him to slip away unseen.

He’d observed her at a gallery, and sidled up close to catch her scent, eavesdropping long enough to learn the basics: a single mother and artist, employed part-time in a café, struggling to stretch her income. He overheard her ask where she could find a secondhand copy of a particular book, and later, he’d smelled her insecurity as she paused at a display, giving him a glance and a quick smile.

No conversation. No phone number exchange. No swapped business cards.

He’d taken the volume Roberta was looking for from his own library, and kept it in his briefcase; an alibi, if needed.

He sat back and closed his eyes. Yes. In a few hours, Roberta Lord would die. He willed his body to start triggering that intense, powerful hormonal surge he’d been rewarded with before, swelling and gushing like waves, followed by blessed peace of mind, and…

A desk phone rang, interrupting his reverie. ‘Yes?’

So this first page (and chapter) start out in the creepy point of view of the bad guy. If you read the chapter, you’ll see him murder and be unsatisfied, which motivates him to think about trying something new for his next killing. You’ll get his thoughts on what the next victim needs to be like for his “hunt.”

As it is, I have to say that this opening page definitely contains a strong “what will happen next” story question. From that purely technical point of view, it passes the test. However . . .

I urge the writer to take a look at beginning the story with the protagonist. All the first chapter does is introduce the sadistic, psychopathic nature of the villain. You can do that when he first moves to get our protagonist. This opening chapter, for me, ended up being quite a downer. I really don’t need the bad taste in my mind. I know that the chapter sets up serious trouble to come for the protagonist, but can’t that happen when the struggle is joined? Your thoughts?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2018 Ray Rhamey, chapter © 2018 by Kathy.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1074 for Kathy—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Kathy sends the first chapter of what I think is a dystopian novel—didn’t get the title. The rest of the chapter follows the break.

I killed my best friend this morning at dawn—if killing is putting a pillow over a person’s face until he stops breathing then this is what I did.

It is only now I write the words on the page that it sinks in I have committed a murder. A crime. Not so very long ago a police detective would’ve been knocking on my door asking questions, requesting an autopsy, and I would’ve been led away in handcuffs. I almost find the fact that isn’t going to happen more shocking than what I did. I am sorry to have to tell you I am capable of murder. But I want you to have some background, some history—although that is such a dry word—and Christopher’s death seems as good a point as any to start.

If he hadn’t been unconscious I could never have done it, though he begged me enough to do so before his mind began to wander. I am not heartless, only practical in the company of the hooded man with the sickle, who had waited on the sidelines for days. And how do you like your blue-eyed boy Mister Death?

Practical because I used a pillow.

His being comatose helped, but only a little, because I still feel—

I can’t describe how I feel. Awful seems too small a word, too meagre an offering. He was everything to me. Everything. My beginning, my middle and my end. My sunrise and (snip)

This is one of those openings that, for me, succeeds even though it doesn’t conform to my guidelines for a first page, proving once again that, in fiction, there are no rules. I have noticed that openings that do manage to do this and earn a page-turn are often in first person. A strong voice can trump missing elements that are ordinarily needed.

For example, setting the scene. By implication, we understand that this is likely indoors, in a place where there can be paper and pencil and probably a table or surface to write on. A room of some kind. And, for the purposes of this opening, that seems to be enough. More of the physical world is revealed later, and the story questions that I see are strong enough to let things unfold at their own pace.

This starts out with a very strong hook, and then the voice draws us in. Story questions arise, some obvious, some less so. We have a hint of why she (I think it’s a she, and that seems to be the case as revealed later) did the deed, but not complete info. It seems to be a mercy killing, and that separates it from actual murder, I think. Although she does feel badly, guilty in a way, but justified. Other questions about this world rise. Why are detectives investigating a death a thing of the past? And there’s a good “what happens to this person next” story question, too. I turned the page. Your thoughts?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2018 Ray Rhamey, chapter © 2018 by Kathy.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1073 for Bob—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Bob sends the prologue and first chapter of Freefall. The rest of the chapter follows the break.

Prologue

Hear now the tale of a hero who rose above the fate assigned him, slew a monster, freed a city and, despite acts that outraged gods and men, persevered beyond tragedy to redeem himself.

His tale unfolds three centuries before Agamemnon left Troy in flames; seven-hundred fifty years before Homer sang The Odyssey, and more than a thousand years before Pericles raised the Parthenon to Athena’s glory. Thirty-five centuries separate today from this time.

Songs and stories taunt mortal understanding of this time. Outlines of structures thrown down, potshards, and marble figures whisper unanswered questions about this age. The gods of this time are long forgotten, so we, the Olympians of the Golden Age, serve in their stead.

What mortals remember of this time, they call myths, tales which hold at their heart an important truth. While such truth may be a historic event or a real person, the truth at the heart of myth may just as likely explain a phenomenon like the cycle of the seasons, illustrate an ideal like selfless friendship, or celebrate a virtue like justice.

Anything that is engaging enough in its time may produce a story but a story that resonates with human aspiration down the ages is elevated to myth. To accommodate passage through the ages, parts of a myth may be lost, others twisted, and their truth obscured.

This tale restores such a myth, only fragments of which have survived, and those so twisted by time that its truth is unrecognizable.

Chapter 1

Amenos, whose name means long-awaited, was fascinated, as a boy of twelve must be, by the frozen expression on the face of the head hanging in the agora. Thoughts and emotions chased one another across his brow.

“Why did they cut off his head?” He asked.

“Lawless men attacked Koristophon’s farm. Four of the King’s Companions recovered the sheep and brought the thieves’ heads to hang in public places to remind all to respect the rights of Corinth’s citizens,” I explained. It seemed to satisfy him.

Later, at lessons, he asked to hear more about Theseus, the young king of Athens, who toppled Minoan control of the seaways, cleared the highways of predators, and established the institution of hospitality improving quality of life for all.

“What must I do to become a great king like Theseus?” he asked.

“Pay attention; learn what the world can teach you,” I told him. He expected heroics.

“Is that all?” he asked.

“It will do for now,” I told him; knowing it would not satisfy him.

An injury at birth left him with a swollen right ankle. Unable to walk any distance even at his ninth name day, his battle, first to walk and then to run, developed both his legs and his character.

If you think about it, the first sentence in the prologue sort of eliminates the need to read further because it summarizes the story and tells us that the character redeems himself in the end. I guess you could say that there’s a story question regarding how he managed to do that, and that might work . . . if we were shown a character to care about. But instead we get information regarding myths.

In Chapter 1 we do have people, including a child with a disability, most certainly a sympathetic character. But we learn that he has battled his condition and has, to some extent, overcome it. The narrator, not the boy, doesn’t have a problem or even a hint of something going wrong for either him or the boy that he has to deal with. So . . . story questions? Tension? Not for or in this reader. I think the story really starts after this chapter if, that is, something challenges the boy during the hunt. The prologue and this chapter are setup, not story.

The writing is good and the world is interesting, and I'd sure like to see them applied to making something happen. Your thoughts?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2018 Ray Rhamey, chapter © 2018 by Ken.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1072 for Ken—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Ken sends the first chapter of Freefall. The rest of the chapter follows the break.

Dammit, Angie! Where are you?

Mark Petrie swept a glare around the mist-dimmed space above the skyline, but of course his other sense felt none of Angie’s magic out there. Why should tonight be any different?

But at least, he sensed no flicker of Winton spying on him either.

The thought pushed his feet faster along the pavement, and he left Claremont Road’s nighttime murmurs behind and twisted up Smithson, then across Teal until the November-chilled streets thinned their crowds down to empty sidewalks. Olivia Nolan’s pale-blue car sat next to a shuttered shop, almost right under the meeting place they’d picked.

He adjusted the bag of tools at his side—though they’d never be as useful as the simple leather belt that the bag hung from, or the other belt hidden under his shirt. His shoulder had barely ached in the cold so far; the bullet wound was healing faster than the doctors had expected.

One more glance around. The back street was as deserted as it seemed.

Mark’s will tightened around the magic in the belts, and he scampered up the wall.

His fingers barely touched the cold metal of the drainpipe; that light grip was all he needed. With his weight all but wiped away by the power, he could ride the pipe up as fast as his hands could pull him up. If someone came by below he’d be out of their view in moments, and (snip)

I like that we start with someone doing something and that there’s magic involved. But, when you boil this opening action down to its essence, what do you have: someone is going somewhere to do something—and we don’t know what the somewhere and something are.

There’s no real hint of jeopardy, except that he’s being sneaky. If you look at the first-page checklist, you’ll see that the part about something either going wrong or has already gone wrong, something that challenges the character, isn’t here. Consider starting with the break-in and weave the other characters in later. There is some overwriting to consider, and the use of filters, which I’ll point out with some editorial notes.

Dammit, Angie! Where are you?

Mark Petrie swept a glare around the mist-dimmed space above the skyline, but of course his other sense felt none of Angie’s magic out there. Why should tonight be any different?

But at least, he sensed no flicker of Winton spying on him either.

The thought pushed his feet faster along the pavement., and he left Claremont Road’s nighttime murmurs behind and twisted up Smithson, then across Teal until the November-chilled streets thinned their crowds down to empty sidewalks. Olivia Nolan’s pale-blue car sat next to a shuttered shop, almost right under the meeting place they’d picked. "His feet" is a body-part filter--have the thought push him, the person, not his body parts. The deleted part is overwriting--the streets and their names don't matter to the story. Get on with it.

He adjusted the bag of tools at his side—though they’d never be as useful as the simple leather belt that the bag hung from, or the other belt hidden under his shirt. His shoulder had barely ached in the cold so far; the bullet wound was healing faster than the doctors had expected. Bag of tools too vague. Give a hint. If they're burglary tools, that adds to the suspense. It's not a "simple leather belt," it's a magic belt. Also, the part about his shoulder seems like a non sequitur here. Later it's explained that the magic from the belt(s) may be helping him heal. The place to put the shoulder narrative is when he's scampering up the wall of the shop. That's when the shoulder comes into play, not now.

One more glance around. The back street was as deserted as it seemed. Don't need this.

Mark’s will tightened around the magic in the belts, and he scampered up the shop wall.

His fingers barely touched the cold metal of the drainpipe; that light grip was all he needed. With his weight all but wiped away by the power, he could ride the pipe up as fast as his hands could pull him up. If someone came by below he’d be out of their view in moments, and (snip) His fingers is another body-part filter. He barely touched ...etc.

The edits are just to point out places the narrative could be stronger, crisper. I'd still look for a place later to start this. And I'd avoid introducing so many names in the opening pages--keep it focused on what's happening. For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2018 Ray Rhamey, chapter © 2018 by Ken.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1070 for JL—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

JL sends the first chapter of The Rescue. The first 17 lines follow, the rest is after the break.

“Is anyone here?” Leonora whispered into an empty room of the plantation home. She listened carefully but heard only muffled voices from the parlor.

She moved on to the next room. Nearly everything that could be moved was already staged for the auction. “Anyone in here?” she whispered.

“Yes, I am,” said a loud voice that made Leonora jump. She saw then, standing in front of the bright window but obscured by a heavy fringed curtain, one of the auctioneer’s assistants. “Can I help you find something?”

Leonora backed into the hallway. “Just looking around.”

She proceeded through the bottom floor of the house, whispering into rooms and listening. More people arrived as the time for the auction approached, but still no more than 20 or so. She made her way to the main hall just as the auctioneer directed everyone to the front parlor.

Instead of joining them, she crossed the hall and entered the sitting room, crowded with furniture awaiting the auction block. A woman in white tennis shorts and a visor squinted at a fortepiano near the hall door. Leonora listened. From the far side of the room, she heard a small voice singing.

Though the last goodbye is spoken, and we breathe our farewell song, on the past, how (ship)

(snip)

The voice is clear and the writing strong. We open with an immediate scene in which something is happening. There is a sense of mystery about the character going from room to room asking if anyone is there.

Actually, it would be more effective if she first scans a room, sees nothing, and then asks the question. In the room where the woman is, she should see the woman and still ask her question. This clues the reader that what she’s doing doesn’t make sense . . . and that there must be a reason for it yet to be discovered. The mystery deepens.

But is what’s here enough? Is the “what’s she doing” story question strong enough? I don’t think so. Reading on, it seems that this is a ghost story, but we don’t have a clue yet. With editing, this first page could have that clue and create a stronger interest in turning the page. Here’s what I mean (the edited version). A poll follows.

“Is anyone here?” Leonora whispered into an empty room of the plantation home. She heard only muffled voices from auction in the parlor.

She moved on to the next room. A woman stood in front of a window. Lenora whispered, “Anyone in here?” she whispered.

“Yes, I am,” the woman said with a loud voice that made Leonora jump. “Can I help you find something?”

Leonora backed into the hallway. “Just looking around.”

She entered the sitting room, crowded with furniture awaiting the auction block. A woman in white tennis shorts squinted at a fortepiano. Leonora heard a small voice singing.

Though the last goodbye is spoken, and we breathe our farewell song, on the past, how memory lingers…

She saw no one there. She crossed the room and asked, “Is anyone here?”

The woman snorted. “Hello-oo,” she said.

The small voice continued, heavy with a Southern accent. Lo! The future! Hope’s bright fingers, lift new crowns, and beckon on…

It didn’t matter how hard she looked, she knew she could never see them unless they wanted to be seen. “You have a lovely singing voice,” Leonora said toward the wall.

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2018 Ray Rhamey, chapter © 2018 by JL.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1069 for Alison—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Alison sends the first chapter of a lower YA fantasy, The Girl with the Dragon-racoon. The first 17 lines follow, the rest is after the break.

Twenty minutes into her journey, and with at least twenty more to come, Emma fought the urge to pull into a side road and turn around, her irritation at being deceived rising. Not that she should have been surprised, given all the other instances where the truth had been bent a little. This would have to be the last time, whatever happened. She’d had enough.

Time, alarmingly, was marching on. Maybe a straight section of road would be just around the next corner, and she’d be able to go a little faster. At least to the speed limit. She rounded the bend, peering ahead, and the sight that greeted her had her hitting the brake hard, teeth clenched, hands tight around the steering wheel. A flatbed truck was approaching, only on her side of the road as it attempted to pass another vehicle.

The truck swung back to its own side, tipping perilously as it did so, and the driver, erudite fellow as he must have been, leaned out of his open window and flicked her a V sign whilst mouthing furious profanities.

Emma’s mouth fell open and she watched the truck disappear through her rear view mirror. Charming, she thought. Well good luck to him. It mattered little to her that his life expectancy would likely be short, but she felt sorry for any innocent party he might end up taking out with him. It was a scary thought – destiny dictating that you would cross paths with the likes of him, and being a safe and conscientious driver would matter not. Your fate would be (snip)

The writing is just fine in this opening, and it does open with an immediate scene. There’s a bit of tension with the oncoming truck, but that’s soon resolved. Emma is anxious, needing to get somewhere without breaking a time limit.

But where? Why? Does something on this page endanger her from achieving her goal? What are the stakes of not being on time? If it’s a job interview, it could mean the loss of the opportunity—but we don’t know that. And how bad can that be?

And that’s the primary problem for me with this opening. There’s no hint of what the story is about, it is devoted solely to driving to somewhere, and nothing goes wrong with that. In a recent post on Writer Unboxed, author Kathyn Craft says this:

Effective opening scenes orient your reader to a story’s core conflict while raising pertinent questions about the plot to come.

That’s basically what I advocate here on FtQ. In this opening scene, we don’t have an idea of what the story is about, much less its core conflict (and I’m talking about the whole chapter here, not just the first page). There are no story questions raised. No stakes related to either action or inaction. In other words, no tension to drive a reader to turn the page.

I think we have here a narrative that starts way too soon in the arc of the story. This is all setup, not story. The writing is good and Alison has a clear grasp of her character, so I encourage her to look further for the place where something goes wrong for Emma that is related to the story and begins to show how she deals with it. And there should be meaningful stakes—not getting a job is, ordinarily, not a terrible event.

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2018 Ray Rhamey, chapter © 2018 by Alison.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1068 for Barbara—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Barbara sends the first chapter of a lower YA fantasy, The Girl with the Dragon-racoon. The first 17 lines follow, the rest is after the break.

James Bond got it all wrong. Spy work wasn’t exciting. It sucked. Badly.

Tyro wiped her clammy hands on the skirt of her school uniform, staring at the darn filing cabinet in Mum’s dental clinic office. The blasted thing didn’t want to open, no matter how hard Tyro pulled the handle. Even the keys she’d found in the desk drawer didn’t work. When Mum said she took her clients’ privacy seriously, she meant it. As if having rotten teeth and cavities was such a huge secret.

Tyro turned to the closed door of the office. Mum’s voice drifted from the waiting room as she talked with a patient. Renzy, the receptionist, chatted on the phone in her high-pitched voice that could splinter rocks. No one should enter the office for now unless Mum needed one of her patients’ files.

Tyro grabbed a pair of scissors from the desk and slid a blade into the narrow gap over the top drawer of the cabinet. Applying a light pressure, she fiddled with the metal hook that locked the drawer. No luck. It didn’t budge.

“Blast!” She tossed the scissors on the desk, kicked the cabinet, and grimaced when a loud thud resounded. If Mum caught Tyro snooping around, she’d ground her forever. But Mum had put the report from the police in the cabinet, and Tyro needed to read it. The police might’ve discovered something about Dad’s murderer. She swallowed the knot that clogged her throat every time she (snip)

I like the voice, which feels right for a teenage girl. The scene is set, and the action is clear. But, for me, maybe there was too much of the latter—even though there was a good story-question hook in the last line about her Dad’s murder. There are fun and interesting paranormal elements to this world, but no hint on the first page. IMO, way too much time is spent on working on the cabinet.

Rather than doing an extensive commentary, I’m just going to edit and move good stuff onto the first page. A second poll follows. Meanwhile, this world does seem very entertaining, and a murder in a paranormal world could be fun.

For what it’s worth.

Revised version:

James Bond got it all wrong. Spy work wasn’t exciting. It sucked. Badly. Tyro wiped her clammy hands on her skirt, staring at the darn filing cabinet in Mum’s dental clinic office. The keys she’d found in the desk wouldn’t open it. Mum took her clients’ privacy seriously. As if having rotten teeth and cavities was such a huge secret.

But she wouldn’t quit. Mum had put the police report in the cabinet, and the police might’ve discovered something about Dad’s murderer. She swallowed the knot that clogged her throat every time she thought about Dad.

The cabinet key had to be in a place where no one would ever search like … the forbidden fridge. It stood in a corner, half-covered by a giant rhododendron, and contained food for Mum’s not-human patients. Not-human … monstrous was more like it.

Tyro went to the fridge, her sneakers leaving marks on the blue rug a vampire had once ripped in two after reading the bill for cleaning his fangs.

She crouched and read the bright red letters on the sign that said, “Underworld-lings food only, not adapted for human consumption. Keep out of the reach of children.” The warning had to be exaggerated. Vampires, werewolves, and zombies had to eat something normal people would enjoy. They had bad teeth like humans, judging by how busy Mum’s schedule was.

She opened the door one inch at a time as if handling a bomb. A rancid smell, like a (snip)

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2018 Ray Rhamey, chapter © 2018 by Barbara.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1067 for Michelle—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Michelle sends the first chapter of Colorless Rainbows . The first 17 lines follow, the rest is after the break.

He approached her beneath the street light—his cold, inhuman glare never faded even as she pleaded for him to stop. Up went the gun, too fast. BAM. BAM. BAM.

A tingly wave rushes into my head. I can’t move because my feet are tangled between the legs of my desk chair and my left shoulder is searing with pain. I’m lying on the floor—not sitting upright like I was five seconds ago wishing I was elsewhere.

I open my eyes slowly, and voices pop up from all directions:

“Emily, are you okay…?”

“Hi, I have a student who just collapsed onto the floor—”

“Help her up…”

Two pairs of arms hoist me up off the floor. I yell about the pain in my shoulder, so the two guys lifting me shift their hands around until I stop wincing. My head starts to ache, and I feel nauseated. I don’t think I’m going to throw up, though maybe I did already and just don’t realize it. The noise of the panic around me makes it impossible to hear myself think.

The last thing I remember was Ms. Lennon droning on and on about the significance of Lady Macbeth scrubbing her hands while sleepwalking. I was also thinking about how I should have had breakfast at home. I had planned on getting French toast sticks in the cafeteria but (snip)

The voice and writing are good, and the scene definitely opens with something going wrong for the protagonist. The italicized first paragraph is also interesting and contains jeopardy. But how well does it all work together?

I assumed that the opening paragraph—let’s call it the “vision”—was directly related to Emily waking up on the floor of her classroom. But then confusion set in when the last paragraph tells us that the last thing she remembers is the teacher droning on and on—and not the vision. So is the vision not connected to what happens to her? If not, then why is it there?

For me, it seems like the vision needs to be tied more firmly to Emily’s experience. We should know for sure that it was her vision and it was the reason for her passing out. That leads to strong story questions. As it is, the lack of clarity is a barrier to turning the page. For example, what if the story opens with Emily's eyelids drooping as the teacher drones and then the vision hits her, things go black, and then she wakes up on the floor. Now we know that the two are connected and we want to know more.

There are a few edits to suggest. The first is to have hands help her up, not arms. A second is to eliminate the part about the guys shifting their hands around—just let her yell about her pain and get on with it. Maybe the hands should help her sit in her desk chair—it seems as though she continues to stand. My vote would be to help her sit. A third is to cut the part about hearing herself think—just let us know that the noise makes it impossible for her to think. BTW, the phrase “to hear myself think” is a cliché that should be avoided.

The rest of the chapter is a straightforward accounting of going to the nurse’s office and some backstory. But the tension level stays pretty flat because there’s no more connection to the vision, and no more story questions are raised. Her assumption is that she just fell asleep and doesn't think about the vision at all. IMO it should be remembered and worry her. I suspect this story could start later, or that most of the business about going to the nurse can be cut to get us directly to something really going wrong that’s connected to the vision.

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2018 Ray Rhamey, chapter © 2018 by Michelle.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1065 for Vicky—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Vicky sends the introduction and first chapter for a fantasy romance, A Man’s Face. The first 17 lines of both part follow, the rest is after the break.

Introduction

Tenswislo Artuvencha, the twelfth Grand Duke of Accomplishments, invented among other things; a two-handled egg whip, a door carriage that transported to all the rooms of the house, and a hip mirror to help a person study their own backside. But those weren’t the accomplishments he became famous for. Actually there was only one accomplishment that was worth anything; The Towering Tenswislo Sandcastle Builder.

I’d pondered the builder on many occasions. The sandcastles were marvelous. I’d explored them for years, and yet I hadn’t come to define them. I was working on theory really, trying to find a way to bring legend to life. It was all based on sand and the miracles Tenswislo formed out of it. I was an unusual person to still remain so involved; the bulk of the population had given up wondering why the invention worked so well. I remembered seeing Tenswislo standing in front of an audience of scientists once which, it was rumored, most of whom thought he was crazy.

“Put your laws away,” the Grand Duke had croaked. “Sand is too simple for laws. There’s no magic in sand, unless you can find magic in rock. But watch,” he added, reaching in a bowl, scooping up a handful of golden, pliable grains of sand, and then spilling it down, back into the bowl.

“All sizes,” he whispered. “Some like dust, some like tiny pebbles. Some so small you (snip)

Chapter 1

Not all sand can be found in the desert. There was sand bordering the ocean too. In the large city of Megund of the vacationers left the heated streets in the summertime and retired to the beach at Azarah to play. Rugged and beautiful mountains rimmed the waters. The water crashed to shore with foamy white caps and a turquoise gleam of purity. Here you could find tourist towns that sold shells and driftwood furniture, and bright holiday clothing. The people built houses to stay in that boarded up for the winter and opened to the sea air in the summer. Inns and hotels bloomed near the pristine shoreline. Even some castles were built for the wealthy to stay and run along the edge of the water in new sandals and summer dress.

But none of those hotels or castles, wooden shanties or bungalows was as beautiful, ornately constructed or as natural as the sandcastle that had its first wall set where the water flooded all around it at high tide. This sandcastle was the first one Tenswislo had ever built. Situated in a deserted spot here the beach curved like the inside of a bowl. And the sandcastle rose from the sand, tall with pinnacles, room after room squared off in smooth luxury. When children settle on the beach with shovel and pail this is the sandcastle they dream of building. It was a place of dreams, of sand walls shimmering in the sun like diamonds and amber. Here more than anywhere else I believed in Uncle Tenswislo’s words. I knew I had to discover the world that he’d gotten lost in. Walking deep inside the hallways of the sandcastle built by the ocean I (snip)

I enjoyed the writing in these pages. And the Introduction did arouse my curiosity. Sand castles are nifty things. So far, so good. However . . .

For me, entertaining writing and curiosity aren’t enough. In neither page did I learn what this story is about as far as the protagonist is concerned. Sand castles, yes, but what about them? And there’s an ambiguity that I would like resolved—what is the size of these sand castles? In looking further, it seems that they are large enough for people to go into—you learn that the protagonist lives in the one on the beach. And they are permanent, otherwise the tide would wash away the beach castle. But this isn’t clear, and I think it should be. It would enhance the appeal of the world and the mystery of the sand castles.

Despite the interesting world that’s being created here—and most of this does seem to be world-building—the character never has a problem to solve, an event in his life that he has to deal with. Nothing is wrong, and there’s nothing on the horizon that could go wrong. These passages lack story questions, which means they lack the tension needed to reach the level of compelling. I think this story needs to start later, when something happens to the character that he must deal with. That event is not in the first chapter, as far as I can see. Your thoughts?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2018 Ray Rhamey, prologue and chapter © 2018 by Vicky.

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.