Flogging the Quill

Flogometer 1130 for M.C. — would you turn this page?

Hey, if you’re isolating like I am, get that trunk novel out and get to writing . . . and/or submitting the first chapter to the Flogometer to get free insights into how it’s working.

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

M.C. sends the prologue for Chrysalis. As usual, the rest of the narrative is after the break.

In the aftermath of Watergate, and at the direction of then-Director of the CIA Richard Helms, the majority of the records pertaining to MKUltra were destroyed in 1973. In spite of that action, four years later Freedom of Information Act requests were able to “follow the money” to approximately fifteen thousand declassified financial documents which had accidentally escaped destruction. These records documented that at least eighty institutions—including pharmaceutical companies, research foundations, institutions of higher education, hospitals, and clinics—along with approximately one hundred eighty-five researchers in both the United States and Canada, many of whom did not know where the funding for their research originated, were inadvertently providing their results to the CIA.

Funded projects included, but were not limited to, research into torture; drugs; physical, sexual, and emotional abuse; sleep deprivation; electronic stimulation; isolation; and hypnotism. Many of the projects involved experimenting on military personnel and civilians, both children and adults, without their knowledge or consent. Current U.S. policies regarding the necessity of informed consent from research subjects were developed as a direct result of the discovery of these post-Nuremberg human rights violations, which occurred on North American soil.

One of MKUltra’s projects—the one called “Monarch,” along with its many subprojects—focused its research on ways the United States could more successfully interrogate other nationals, (snip)

Ah, there’s nothing like a good, solid, meaty info dump to suck me into a story. Even better, the second paragraph offers a long list! Who needs story? I looked further, though, and found this at the start of the first chapter . . .

All of my perpetrators are dead.

I didn’t kill them, in case you’re wondering. I’m just telling you that on the front end because I’d be wondering about it, myself, if someone said that to me. I didn’t get to enjoy any type of closure or revenge—like personally choking the life out of them, or centering them in the crosshairs and experiencing the pull of the trigger, or plunging a knife in them as far as I could get it to go—maybe even more than once, if I could—or anything equally satisfying, even though many times I would’ve liked to. Some days, I still would. Their being dead is important to the story because it makes the telling of it possible. If they’d lived, I’m sure I’d be the one in the grave by now instead.

I grew up within spitting distance of a tiny speck-in-the-road known as Bumblebee. It always seemed to me that a more accurate name would’ve been Honeybee, since the name referred to the millions of inhabitants of a nearby three-acre stand of woods that burned down long before the town sprang up. The forest had grown back, eventually, so that by the time I came along there was new growth scattered in among the ancient tree trunks still standing where they had once reigned majestically over what became the town. Everyone from miles around went to those woods to gather their honey from the hives hidden in the charred and hollowed-out tree carcasses, or else they bought their honey from someone else, who did. Anyway, the name of the town had been decided on a lifetime before I was born and I never did find out why. Maybe it was because whoever (snip)

That first paragraph is enough to provoke a page-turn for me. Good voice, interesting hints at story. Unfortunately, the narrative descends into more info dump, long background stuff on the town and the family. Give me more of what the opening paragraph promises, weave the rest in as needed. This writer needs to put story first.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2015 by M.C. Nelson.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flogometer 1129 for Doriela — would you turn this page?

Hey, if you’re isolating like I am, get that trunk novel out and get to writing . . . and/or submitting the first chapter to the Flogometer to get free insights into how it’s working.

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Doriela sends the opening chapter for Larem. As usual, the rest of the narrative is after the break.

In a dream of mine, there lived a man with no name. I'm sure he very much had a name that was his, and was called it by someone who loved him. He came and went as he pleased: stood in doorways of castles whose towers had crumbled; perched on the edge of cliffs watching as I jumped; sat next to me on trains that sped past fields of yellow.

I never spoke to him – the Eyelash Man from my dreams.

Sleep.

I heard the sound of trickling water before spotting the steady stream trailing over the rocks beneath my feet, then over my feet.

Bending down to pick up a stone in my hand, turning it with my fingers, feeling the coarseness of it, the strength of it, and how very still it was. I controlled it, it couldn't move without me alone picking it up and now placing it back down among its friends, and I did so tenderly. Occasionally the water that flowed over the stone moved a pebble or two around it.

The river was low, I noticed, standing in the middle of the stream, the sides flanked by jagged rocky cliffs, the greenery above looking down at me with envy. I, close to the water.

Another rock caught my fancy, the same size as the first fitting perfectly in the palm of my hand, yet this one sparkled. Like a bright blue of a peacock feather with drops of glitter making it irresistible to touch.

I’m sure you’ve heard this before: don’t start your novel with a dream. I tried it once. Abandoned it after several drafts. This opening, with its dream, has some lovely, evocative description. Unfortunately, the description, and the dream, is about picking up rocks in a stream. A peaceful stream. Oh, that could change on the next page, but there’s no real tension here to provoke me to read on. Besides, so what if something bad happens in a dream? It’s just a dream. It’s not the real story.

In reading on, the dreams are important to the character, but I didn’t learn why. This opening one did not impact story. In terms of tension, there is the character receiving a diamond necklace from her grandmother which, unfortunately, does not seem like a problem, at least at the time.

There’s good writing here, but I didn’t see much in the way of story. Look over the checklist. Not only should your opening page have some of those elements, especially story questions, the rest of the chapter should as well. Find a point of tension, of trouble, and start there. Your thoughts?

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2020 by Doriela.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flogometer 1127 for Pam — would you turn this page?

Hey, if you’re isolating like I am, get that trunk novel out and get to writing . . . and/or submitting the first chapter to the Flogometer to get free insights into how it’s working.

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Pam takes a second run at her opening page for Plans to Belong. The first version is here. As usual, the rest of the narrative is after the break.

What a surreal day. Malia Hudson embraced her old roommate, Sara at a Maui park. Seated at a picnic table, Malia’s voice cracked. “It’s great to see you after so long.”

“Welcome home, Malia. How was the job interview? Did you get hired?”

Shaded by the palms with trade winds blowing her hair behind her shoulders, Malia glanced downward, her voice soft. “I did.”

Sara tilted her head. “You don’t sound too happy about it. What’s up?”

Malia’s eye twitched. “I’m thrilled to have an environmental interior designer job. None too soon, with my college bills soaring and cash dwindling.” She drew in a breath. “But there’s a new manager. He said my designing is for the interior. No environmental concerns. If there’s a sacred area, it’s desecrated. I guess profit comes first. Yet mainland corporate accepted my environmental credentials for the position. My gut says something’s shifted all of a sudden. So now it’s choosing a paycheck and disrespecting Hawaiian values or not. I’ll check into it soon.”

“For starters, doesn’t he realize there’s even a law against billboards in Hawaii for aesthetic reasons? Can you work for such a development company?”

Malia rubbed the knot in her neck. “Maybe I’ll check with corporate HQ if necessary, but I know the manger wouldn’t like it. He might consider it insubordination. I’m on probation. I (snip)

I came across this on a post by David Corbett today at Writer Unboxed:

Novelist Les Edgerton once remarked that all stories are about one thing: trouble.

The protagonist here anticipates difficulties (they don’t seem to me to rise to the level of “trouble”) ahead for her, but there are no stakes involved, and it doesn’t seem personal. Much of this page is exposition with a little info-dumping for seasoning. I read ahead, and the first hint of actual trouble that might directly affect the protagonist comes at the very end. I think the story starts somewhere later. Try to find that point when trouble upsets her applecart and then weave in relevant background info as things happen. Your thoughts?

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2020 by Pam.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flogometer 1125 for Edward — would you turn this page?

Hey, if you’re isolating like I am, get that trunk novel out and get to writing . . . and/or submitting the first chapter to the Flogometer to get free insights into how it’s working.

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Edward sends the first chapter from The Patch of Totality. The rest of the narrative is after the break.

Davey heard it first. Whatever “it” was. A snapped twig? A boot kicking over a stone? The declarative click of a gun’s hammer? Whatever it was, Davey came awake with a snap, jerking upright in his bedding, his duster sliding onto his lap.

I was a few feet to his left and opened my eyes to see him sitting upright, his mouth open, emitting a harsh whisper, “What’s that?”

There was no time to reply.

A light flashed among the trees to our right. I heard a terrific bang. Davey’s head jerked. I felt a spray of warm stickiness strike my face. Davey fell toward me. He hit the ground shoulder first, then his head smacked the hard earth of our campsite. He didn’t move.

Time seemed to stop while I stared at Davey lying on the ground. It had not. Flashes of light came from the trees, the noise grew louder, and the nervous whine of bullets cut through the night air. Brian, my younger brother, was on the other side of our almost burned down fire. I yelled, “Brian! Stay down!”

I rolled to the left, away from Davey, to the deadfall on the other side of our camp. Along the way, my arm hooked the Winchester I had left propped against a fallen tree branch. I hugged it to my chest as a drowning man might hug a piece of driftwood and rolled under the trunk of a fallen pine tree.

Nothing like a rip-snortin’ action scene to kick off a story. The scene is set in a not-obvious way; with twigs and boots and stones, we get that it’s outdoors. Otherwise, the action is clear and moves right along. I might make small editorial suggestions, but from a story point of view, this works. Your thoughts?

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2020 by Edward.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flogometer 1123 for Pamela — would you turn this page?

Hey, if you’re isolating like I am, get that trunk novel out and get to writing . . . and/or submitting the first chapter to the Flogometer to get free insights into how it’s working.

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Pamela sends the first chapter Plans to Belong, an inspirational romantic suspense story. The rest of the narrative is after the break.

Something wasn’t right in their voices. But the messages Malia Hudson received from those phone calls didn’t disclose specific problems or complaints. What a distinct difference from yesterday’s upbeat calls. She bit the inside of her lip and tapped a pencil eraser against the notepad on the table. What did it mean? She’d check with Sara. A glance out the second-story window from downtown Kahului at the serene ocean with the lush, mountains beyond conflicted with the peaceful demonstrators’ wariness she’d sensed from the calls. Her instinct didn’t lie. The few workers present in the Office of Maui Relations conveyed a subdued atmosphere, too. No lively chatter today. Trouble looming against the local people? Malia grabbed the notepad to leave for Sara’s cubicle, but her old roommate wound her way through the office area amongst a few sparse tables and chairs. The OMR had few funds and didn’t require expensive décor. Instead, they focused on human rights and legal land use, thank heavens. Sara tossed her long, black hair behind her shoulders when she stepped in front of Malia’s table. “Thanks for volunteering these past few days. Any new information?” “I’ll say.” Malia rubbed the back of her neck to ease the knot forming. “I was about to make my way to your cubicle. A few peaceful protesters checked in with me. There was (snip)

While I like the idea of being in Hawaii, that’s not enough to pull me into a story. The protagonist has a feeling of unease, but the cause is on the vague side—her instinct feels something is wrong. But what? What does it have to do with her? Does it cause trouble for her? These questions are not story questions, they represent what’s missing here. The character doesn’t have to deal with anything that directly affects her life and wellbeing. To my mind, this is setup, and the rest of the chapter continues with that. The story starts after this chapter, IMO. Find the point when your character’s life is negatively impacted with something that she has to deal with and start there. Weave in all the background as she deals with things.

I know that advice like that can be discouraging, so let me share my experience when I was in a critique group in Seattle. I took in the third chapter of a novel, and one critiquer said, “This is where your story starts.” I thought at the time, thanks but no thanks, I need the reader to know all the stuff in chapters 1 and 2.

A month later I realized he was right, rewrote to bring some of the chapter 1 & 2 stuff into 3 and had a new and much better beginning.

Your thoughts?

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2020 by Pamela.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flogometer 1122 for Ane — would you turn this page?

Hey, if you’re isolating like I am, get that trunk novel out and get to writing . . . and/or submitting the first chapter to the Flogometer to get free insights into how it’s working.

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Ane sends the first chapter On Sugar Hill. The rest of the narrative is after the break.

New York, October 31st, 1929

They say if you listen carefully on a moonless night, the trees on Sugar Hill whisper. Some believe it’s ghosts, crying for justice. That’s why our porch ceilings are painted haint blue—to keep the spirits away. The South simmers in ghost stories, but the only ghost I personally know of lurks in the wings of the Palace Theatre in New York City. He plays tricks on the actors, having been one himself.

With one finger, I draw back the curtain a quarter inch and peek out at the audience. I am, after all, in my favorite spot in the whole world, where make-up can turn even a plain Jane like me into a beautiful woman. Here, I’m Dixie Lynn, adored by audiences, a success—not Cora Fitzgerald, a disappointment.

In the first row, Madame Dressler, my vocal coach, watches all my performances and takes notes. She says to break into a Broadway revue I must perfect my singing voice. “Hard vork for expandink your vocal strength and range. Dat ees your tee-ket,” she tells me every week. I’d rather be an ingenue—a leading lady. But Madame Dressler says I don’t possess the required beauty. I need my voice.

As if I didn’t already know that.

Nobody’s certain from whence my other talent originated. The peculiar one. I don’t think (snip)

I have mixed feelings about this opening. I do like the voice quite a lot, the character is quite likable, and the writing is fine. But, for me, there’s little tension. No, make that no tension. She doesn’t have a problem, she’s not dealing with anything, and there’s nothing troublesome in sight.

I think the time spent up front on description of Sugar Hill is not well spent and, in fact, it’s misleading. The way it’s written, we think she’s in Sugar Hill. She mentions “here,” but we don’t know where that is. I think she’s in New York, but that’s not clear. I also think the advice from Madame Dressler is more words not well spent. Trim that down and at least give us an understanding of here unique talent.

Even then, there’s not much for her to worry about. In the chapter, she’s informed that her father has died (she has no love for him) and she returns home. An opening scenario that’s all too familiar. A young man from her past meets her train, and the glimmer of a romance is seen. But, still, she doesn’t have a problem to deal with, at least not in the first chapter.

In my view, something needs to go wrong before the first chapter ends, no matter how charming the narrative is. I think the true start of this novel is yet to come. I’d look for that place and then fill in the setup from the first chapter as needed. If it started there, I’m sure I’d read on. Your thoughts?

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2020 by Ane.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flogometer 1120 for Kevin — would you turn this page?

Hey, if you’re isolating like I am, get that trunk novel out and get to writing . . . and/or submitting the first chapter to the Flogometer to get free insights into how it’s working.

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Kevin sends the first chapter Insomnia . The rest of the narrative is after the break.

I should have known something was wrong when I let out a lion sized yawn and felt the bruise in my neck. I reached up to feel the tender spot when I noticed my elbow, completely black and yellow. I'm a theatre kid, so it's not like I got bruised playing sports. I tried to ignore the bruise when suddenly someone grabbed it, right on the most tender spot.

'Hey!' I yelled.

It was a kid about the same age as me, with dark skin and a turban on his head. 'Chris,' he hissed urgently.

'Do I know you?' I asked, yanking my arm away from him.

'Don't go in the maze,' he pleaded, 'If he doesn't get all of us, he can't restart the competition.' The boy flickered, as though, for an instant he became invisible, and when he reappeared, he was walking on the other side of me.

'What's going on?' I shook my head, 'What are you talking about?'

But I never got a chance to find out. A minivan pulled open beside us and a tall man with long thin arms reached and grabbed him. 'Don't mind my son,' he said with a grimace. I could see into the van for just a moment, and I realized it was way bigger on the inside than it was on the outside, like Mary Poppin's suitcase with Volswagen hubcaps. And then they were speeding off, and I was left speechless on the sidewalk.

The writing is okay here, as is the voice. But there’s no scene set, we have no idea where the character is. We can deduce a street when the minivan pulls up, but we shouldn’t have to backfill that tidbit of description.

More of an issue, though, is clarity. In the first paragraph, he discovers a bruise on his neck by yawning? Not terribly credible to me. The only way I’ve ever detected bruises on me was by sight and by touch. To continue with clarity issues. the “someone” grabs the bruise . . . but there are two bruises. I suspect the writer meant the one on his elbow, but it’s not clear. Then we have this: 

The boy flickered, as though, for an instant he became invisible, and when he reappeared, he was walking on the other side of me.

Flickering means in and out, very very quickly. See-notsee=see. On-off-on. When the narrative says “flicker,” that’s what I see. But here the kid didn’t actually flicker. He disappeared and reappeared on the protagonist’s other side. Another clarity issue. One other little thing: I create typos and misspellings, we all do. But before I send out work to the public, I proofread it. If that had happened here, we wouldn’t have “Volkswagen” written as “Volswagen.”

Lastly, there’s no real problem here, though I will say that the kid appearing and disappearing did raise a pretty good story question or two. So, what to do? Read this out loud, it might help you catch some of the things I've pointed out. And try to create a problem stemming from what happens on this page, not later. Your thoughts?

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2020 by Kevin.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flogometer 1119 for Erica — would you turn this page?

Hey, if you’re isolating like I am, get that trunk novel out and get to writing . . . and/or submitting the first chapter to the Flogometer to get free insights into how it’s working.

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Erica sends the first chapter Glass Chaos. The rest of the narrative is after the break.

For now, Sita was alone. Nothing else moved in all this sea of grass except her, a human dot with a racing heart and vapour-white breath.

Behind her, Uncle Chert’s mining camp still slept. When they woke, the dawn silence would be broken by the rumble of machinery and the shouts of workers. There’d be Dragon technicians jabbing at datapads with lightning claws while Uncle Chert patrolled the site, feathers hackled up with excitement and beak half-open ready to snap up every detail of what Sita had found yesterday.

So much Glass.

Hyperdrive impellers, trans-light beamers, anti-grav crystals, and Alien tech they couldn’t even name.

And the Finder was just a kid!

Sita gave a little skip. When they got home, loaded with more Alien wealth than anyone had ever seen, she’d be famous!

Her friends should know first.

She climbed a low ridge, hugging what she’d stolen tight against her chest beneath her threadbare coat. When she reached the top, the open steppe spread all around to the horizon. A cold wind hissed in the grass, making her dance for warmth.

But why shouldn’t she dance anyway? She was Sita the Seeker!

Good writing, likeable voice give this narrative a good start. Like many fantasy/science fiction novels, this one starts with building the world. Unfortunately, this world has no tension in it. The protagonist has no problems confronting her, nor are any in the foreseeable future.

There are no story questions here, no reason to keep reading other than to find out about this world. I skimmed through the first chapter, and learned that it’s all setup and exposition. My look was quick, but I didn’t see any problems arise, no story questions generated. I think this book starts somewhere after this chapter. My advice? Utilize the first-page checklist above and use it to see what elements you’re missing, the elements that create tension in the reader. Your thoughts?

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2020 by Gregory.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flogometer 1118 for Gregory — would you turn this page?

Hey, if you’re isolating like I am, get that trunk novel out and get to writing . . . and/or submitting the first chapter to the Flogometer to get free insights into how it’s working.

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Gregory sends the first chapter Margaritifer Chaos. The rest of the narrative is after the break.

Judge Werner Mathiason of the United States District Court for the District of Columbia rapped his gavel. “This matter comes before the Court on motion by Plaintiff, Margherita Concordia Grey, for Temporary Restraining Order and Preliminary Injunction. Plaintiff names as Defendant, Off-World Mining PLC. The Court recognizes that Plaintiff is indeed of Martian birth and, in fact, the only known Martian. However, the Court also recognizes that Ms. Grey is a U.S. citizen, permanently residing in the United States without intent, or means, of returning to her home world. As such, the Court finds that Plaintiff, having failed to adequately demonstrate the likelihood of imminent injury, lacks standing in this matter.”

Ghita leaped from her seat, accompanied by a chorus of gasps from the packed gallery. “Lacks standing?! How can I lack standing? I’m the only Martian. You just said so. I’m the only being on this planet that does have standing!”

“Ms. Grey, take your seat and be silent, I will no longer tolerate your outbursts!”

“I will not be silent. This is wrong, it cannot be allowed. I won’t allow it!”

Judge Mathiason hammered his gavel and bellowed, “Bailiff, remove Ms. Grey from the courtroom!”

As the burly five-foot-ten bailiff approached, Ghita stiffened, stretched to her full six-foot-five-inch height – in heels – and cast him a glance that would have stopped a clock. The (snip)

This opening page is from a sequel, and Gregory writes of his concern that he balances the narrative and backstory for new readers and those who have read the first novel. He doesn’t want to bore familiar readers with backstory and not turn off new readers with too little in the narrative. I haven’t read the first novel, so can’t really address that aspect. The question is, as always, is this page compelling? And I think that’s the question that has to get a “yes” whether the novel is the first or the fifteenth in a series. So, now on to this one.

For me, I think this page could be much stronger, yet I also think it has enough of a story question to warrant a page-turn. There’s conflict and tension here, but what are the stakes? She has lost, but what has she lost? How is she harmed by losing her standing? Later in the chapter we learn that she was trying to stop what she sees as the destruction of Mars, her birth planet. Now, those are good stakes. The opening would be much stronger if that was here. What if she said something such as “But they will reduce my home to radioactive rubble!”

I think the backstory aspect was handled well with the judge’s statement at the beginning, and we get a good picture of the protagonist. All to the good. But I urge Gregory to see if he can up the stakes on this page. And avoid clichés such as “a glance that would have stopped a clock.” Your thoughts?

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2020 by Gregory.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flogometer 1117 for Renee — would you turn the page?

Hey, if you’re isolating like I am, get that trunk novel out and get to writing . . . and/or submitting the first chapter to the Flogometer to get free insights into how it’s working.

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Renee sends the first chapter Blurring Reality. The rest of the narrative is after the break.

“Emergency! Emergency!”

Jem Wilmont rolled her eyes at the idiot screaming over the loudspeakers. What? He didn’t think the sirens deafening everyone in Folsum’s spaceport wasn’t a clue?

“Inbound shuttle—engines failing!”

Blue-tinted blast shields snapped over the fifth floor observation window. For Pete’s sake, she grumbled. The Delmark Three colony was old enough to have weathered real emergencies and three out of five engines were enough to—

“Two engines dead, third failing! Find the nearest shelter. NOW!”

What? No! Jem’s heart slammed into overdrive, her head jerking upward as bodies and vehicles bolted right and left below her. Two! She’d only tampered with two! But the super-heated glow around the growing bright speck testified to its too swift descent.

The large shuttle’s outline became visible. It was pitching backward.

Babbling voices surrounded her. Someone on her right whispered a prayer. Loud gasps as it barrel rolled back into an upright position. Reversed. Its engines a blinding nova.

“Sonofabitch, they’re riding their fire!”

The surging throng crushed Jem flat against the thick window as everyone tried to see. Be enough…be enough, she chanted silently.

A number of things worked for me in this page . . . and some didn’t. There’s a quickie edit following this.

We’re dropped into a strong action scene, and there’s sudden peril for the character. Story question: Will she survive the crash of the shuttle? But there’s more good stuff. We learn that she sabotaged two shuttle engines to cause difficulties, but not fatal ones . . . and then another engine goes. More story questions: Why did she sabotage the shuttle? Is the third engine failure more sabotage by someone else? If so, who? If so, how does that impact the character? Lots of good story tension packed into this first page. Nicely done.

But there are smallish craft issues that call for an edit. A quick look:

“Emergency! Emergency!”

Jem Wilmont rolled her eyes at the idiot screaming over the loudspeakers. What? He didn’t think the sirens deafening everyone in Folsum’s spaceport wasn’t a clue?

“Inbound shuttle—engines failing!”

Blue-tinted blast shields snapped over the fifth-floor observation window. For Pete’s sake, she grumbled. The Delmark Three colony was old enough to have weathered real emergencies and three out of five engines were enough to—

“Two engines dead, third failing! Find the nearest shelter. NOW!”

What? No! Jem’s heart slammed into overdrive, her head jerking upward as bodies and vehicles bolted right and left below her. Two! She’d only tampered with two! But the super-heated glow around the growing bright speck testified to its too-swift descent. The heart description borders on cliche, look for something else . . . or just cut it. Having her head jerk upward is a "body-part filter," giving the person's action to a body part. Can you describe it another way? And "below her" is a failure in scene-setting: how can there be people below here? Where is she that they can be there? This needs to be clear in the beginning. Need a hyphen for "too swift"

The large shuttle’s outline became visible. It was pitching backward. "Large" is a relative term. With nothing to relate it to here, this is meaningless. Just delete it, the reader will imagine plenty. Or make it specific, such as "The fifty-passenger shuttle  . . ." About "It"--technically, the antecedent is the outline, so this means the outline was shifting. To be more clear, "The ship was pitching backward."

Babbling voices surrounded her. Someone on her right whispered a prayer. Loud gasps as it barrel rolled back into an upright position. Reversed. Its engines a blinding nova. Now there's someone on her right? I thought they were below her. Clarity issue in imagining the action in this scene. The antecedent for "it" here is a prayer. Keep it clear, eg. Loud gasps as the shuttle barrel-rolled . . . I would hyphenate "barrel-rolled"

“Sonofabitch, they’re riding their fire!” Nice description. 

The surging throng crushed Jem flat against the thick window as everyone tried to see. Be enough…be enough, she chanted silently.

 

Your thoughts?

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2020 by Renee.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.