Flogging the Quill

Flogometer 1182 for Jill—will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Jill sent the first page of Get Up Eight, a YA novel. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.

Keeper Sam’s early visit to the Boys’ Dorm is the first sign something’s up.

“Yoga will be outside today,” he booms, hustling us out of our beds, into our green uniforms, down the stairs (where the girls join us), out of Tree Tower and single-file onto the narrow Cliff Trail, halfway up the sixty-foot cliff bordering this side of Crystal Creek.

Sign number two: The Keeper stops us at the broad ledge that sticks out about ten feet from the trail and sends us out in small groups to do tree pose for three minutes. That means balancing on one leg in the chilly air, at the edge of the drop-off while nearby Upper Crystal Falls batters us with spray and the rapids churn below. This is unusually dangerous.

The third sign is when it’s my turn on the ledge. With thirty better options, Keeper Sam inexplicably puts me next to Sesh. The famous girl who hates me. He knows we’ve been avoiding each other since the school opened. But here she is, on my right. Balanced out by Tracker, my bunkmate and best friend, on my left. Maybe the Keeper knows they’re the only two classmates I’d definitely risk my life to save if they started toppling over the edge.

Not that I’d let everyone else die. I mean, there are at least two other classmates I’d probably risk my life for. And four or five “possibly risk” candidates…with openings available, in case anyone wants to apply.

I did actually save a guy, Michael, back in February when a hunk of rock broke off the (snip)

A likeable voice introduces the character, and the writing is sound. The narrative almost generates page-turning tension when it tells us that what he or she is doing is dangerous. So it is challenging the character, but then we leave that for exposition and backstory. The first page is the place that shows us something going wrong or already wrong for the character. This hints at that possibility and then leavers us hanging, but not, for me, in a compelling way.

Your thoughts?

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2023 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2023 by Jill.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flogometer 1181 for Leslie—will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Leslie sent the first page of The Giving. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.

The huge bear sprang at her neck, jaws gaping, fury in his eyes. Growling, Sirona rolled to the side, Noden’s sharp fangs grazing her neck. Fortunately, while in her wolf form, the thick fur on her neck prevented the bear’s teeth from piercing her skin. She rose quickly, assessed the danger her son posed. Though Nodens was three times her size, he was still relatively young, and clumsy. Sirona’s senses sharpened, as her wolf instincts took over. Noden’s rage radiated from his body, but it was chaotic, uncontrolled. She could use this to her advantage. She howled, nipped at his thigh. Noden’s rage tinged with fear. Good. Fear makes a poor companion to rational thought. He may be the God of the Hunt, but she was the Supreme Goddess, the one who bore not only him, but all the other gods and godesses, and who guided him in all things wild. She was still his mother, no matter how much he overshadowed her in the mortal plane.

Her violet eyes studied him, ready for the next attack. The air hung thick and heavy with heat and humidity. She saw Nodens through a cloud of red dust stirred by their fight. He rolled his head back and forth, let out a roar of frustration. Standing upright, he pawed the air, fell once more to all fours, and leapt again, his powerful jaws closing in on her. His fetid breath filled the air.

Sirona wrenched herself out of the trance with a gasp. Trembling, she, turned her attention away from the disastrous future she saw in the divination pool and refocused her (snip)

Good writing and voice, and a scene with strong conflict. But is it a scene? Turned out that it wasn’t. Instead, some sort of vision from the divination pool. In a way, this is like opening with a dream, often a no-no. I was so into the fight that I almost missed the transition to another place and time and the character being in a trance.

While the fight does indeed open with good tension, the sudden break away didn’t work for me. You kept the divination pool secret, and I understand why, but I think it’s a cheat for the reader.

For me, it would actually be stronger to set the scene a little and let us know what’s going on. Here’s an example, lifting some from your later narrative:

Granite cliffs surrounded Sirona like a cocoon. Rising hundreds of feet in the air, their lavender and gray rock faces provided a sense of safety and calm, allowing her to focus all her attention on the divining pool, a basin filled with dark waters. The ripples in the water stilled. Her trance deepened and she saw . . .

The bear sprang at her neck, jaws gaping, fury in his eyes. Etc.

For me, the divining pool is very interesting, and it quickly gets to the vision with all the action that creates tension. Ground your reader, help them into your world, and then let the magic happen.

Some editorial notes:

The huge bear sprang at her neck, jaws gaping, fury in his eyes. Growling, Sirona rolled to the side, Noden’s sharp fangs grazing her neck. Fortunately, wWhile in her wolf form, the thick fur on her neck prevented the bear’s teeth from piercing her skin. She rose quickly, assessed the danger her son posed. Though Nodens was three times her size, he was still relatively young, and clumsy. </p>

<p>Sirona’s senses sharpened, as her wolf instincts took over. Noden’s rage radiated from him his body, but it was chaotic, uncontrolled. She could use this to her advantage. She howled, nipped at his thigh. Noden’s rage tinged with fear. Good. Fear makes a poor companion to rational thought. He may be the God of the Hunt, but she was the Supreme Goddess, the one who bore not only him, but all the other gods and godessesgoddesses, and who guided him in all things wild. She was still his mother, no matter how much he overshadowed her in the mortal plane.

Her violet eyes She studied him, ready for the next attack. The air hung thick and heavy with heat and humidity. She saw Nodens through a cloud of red dust stirred by their fight. He rolled his head back and forth, let out a roar of frustration. Standing upright, he pawed the air, fell once more to all fours, and leapt again, his powerful jaws closing in on her. His fetid breath filled the air.

Sirona wrenched herself out of the trance with a gasp. Trembling, she, turned her attention away from the disastrous future she saw in the divination pool and refocused her (snip) You don't need to tell us the bear is huge, the reader will fill in with the image. Fangs are automatically sharp. Instead of "rose quickly," a weak adverbial description, show us, eg. She sprang to her feet . . . Using "her violet eyes" is a break in point of view. She would never think of her eye color in this situation, this is the author stepping to describe something. Use an organic way to bring it in, maybe via the reflection in the pool. Big blocks of text are off-putting, look for paragraph breaks to give the words some air.

Your thoughts?

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2023 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2023 by Leslie.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flogometer 1180 for Christian—will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

The Mubei Desert was one of the deadliest in China. From the edge of a cliff, five Japanese soldiers watched the sun’s blinding rays reflect off the endless desert plain. They descended in single file, with Sergeant Takahashi at the front and a pale-faced conscript named Souichi bringing up the rear. The sergeant was a beefy man with broad shoulders and burns covering his face. And though the desert had claimed many lives, it was he whom the other men feared.

When they reached the bottom, Takahashi took the supply pack from a tall man named Daisuke and handed it to Souichi. “Get a good look at each of those weapons. The men of Dragon’s Peak have earned a lesson on Japanese discipline.”

Souichi looked ahead, brushing the sand from his uniform. “Or they’ll kill us when we get there and bury us with the others. That seems likely.”

“The moment anyone in that town tries something, I’ll make sure they regret it,” Takahashi said, his eyes cold. “Assuming all of you survive long enough to make it there. Daisuke, how much is left to ration?”

“A dozen flasks of water,” Daisuke said. “More sake than anyone needs. About five food packs.”

Souichi frowned, silently calculating. “That’s not enough.”

Good, crisp writing, good voice. I know the first page challenge is tough, but it can be done. However, it hasn’t been met here. The last line on the page hints at a future problem, but it’s not something directly affecting the characters.

This page is primarily setup. On this single page, we’re hit with three character names, and more quickly follow on the next page. Give more action to a single character, no need for the complexity.

Approximately the first 2400 of the 2600 words in this chapter go to setup. I advocate the advice of editor and coach Stephen James: you don’t have a story until something goes/is wrong. I think that’s a good guideline, and nothing goes wrong in the first 2400 words.

And then one character kills all of the others we’ve spent 2400 words getting to know. It’s a dramatic and compelling action. If it had been on the first page, I would definitely have turned the page.

Christian, I know that other readers like this chapter, but for me it’s way too long before the inciting incident. My advice? Save this version and accept the challenge to take those last powerful paragraphs from the end, move them to the front, and find a way to do a quick setup to start the scene and then pull the trigger while still on the first page.

Your thoughts?

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2023 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2023 by Moira.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flogometer 1178 for Kathleen—will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Kathleen sent the first pages of Back to Square One. The rest of the chapter is after the break. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.

As I lower myself onto my chair, my insides clench painfully and the heat rises to my wind chilled cheeks. The teacher’s desk is empty. I alone of my classmates know what has happened. Miss Halstead finally trudges through the door holding a bunched Kleenex to her eyes. Her voice breaking, she utters, “President John F. Kennedy has been shot.”

I wasn’t able to stop it! How could I? I’m still a child. Who would listen to me? One thing is sure, my father will believe me now. Even if he puts it down to premonition, he’ll listen.

I try to slow my breathing, exhaling slowly. If I couldn’t prevent Kennedy’s death, how will I stop a war? The room goes in and out of focus as if I’ve been set in place with no awareness of my surroundings - apart from them. Focus, things I can see, the wood desk with the ink stain, the ragged cuff of my sleeve, touch, the chewed pencil, my thin hair ribbon, hear, muffled distress – tune that out, the wind against the sill.

As the shock settles, I examine my fellow students perched on their hard wooden chairs. Many of their young faces are streaked with grief. All I can see of the tallest boy at the back of my row is the top of his blond head pressed into his crossed arms, shrouding his desktop.

My chief competitor for the honour roll raises his hand. He demands, “How? Why?”

Clearing her throat, struggling to compose herself, Miss Halstead replies, “It happened in Dallas Texas. The only information I have is, the president is in hospital.”

The writing and voice are good, but what about the narrative? For me, I just didn’t know enough to be intrigued by the character’s rhetorical questions. Why would any child have those questions? Turns out she’s living her life for a second time but has knowledge of things to come. The premise is promising . . . but the whole first chapter, while detailing other instances, is pretty much exposition and setup. We don’t come upon her present problem—the actual inciting incident didn’t, to my eye, appear. I think the story starts there—try it, and weave in her unique life along the way.

Your thoughts?

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2023 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2023 by Kathleen.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flogometer 1175 for John —will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

John sent the first pages of Crossroads, a new adult love story. The rest of the chapter is after the break. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.

Amber Jean Monroe was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen. She stood tall for a girl, maybe five-foot-ten, had golden hair, thick and voluminous, that cascaded to the small of her back, and a splattering of freckles across the bridge of her nose. She wore blue jeans and a light-pink, half-sleeve, button-down blouse that she filled out rather nicely. When she smiled, it seemed as though she was about to share a whispered secret. In all of my twenty-five years, I had never seen another woman more spectacular.

Unfortunately, as I would find out, she was completely untouchable.

I was standing at the counter of Luke’s Pharmacy when she approached and I let her go in front of me. I came in for some aspirin intending to continue through to the next town, but after spotting her, I made the ad-hoc decision to hang around for a while.

“Thanks, Gabe,” she said, taking her change from the guy behind the counter.

She looked at me briefly, flashed a smile, then walked out the door and went to the left.

“Damn,” I muttered.

“Can I help you?” Gabe asked with a hint of impatience.

“Uh, yeah,” I responded, still trying to keep an eye on the girl before she slipped out of view. “I noticed the sign in the window said you were looking for a driver.”

“You new in town?”

For one thing, I’d delete the first sentence and start this paragraph with Amber Jean Monroe stood tall for a girl, etc. For another, I’d look for a way to create a story question here. Later in the narrative, in relation to winning the untouchable Amber, the protagonist says “I don’t take no for an answer.” If this challenge were on the first page, it might be enough to create tension.

But there’s no jeopardy with that, no problem with stakes attached that he has to deal with. There is an almost-missed hint of that later when, asked if he uses drugs, the narrative says:

I did know someone who preferred drugs, though, and he was looking for me.

That would be almost enough. To lift it to story-question levels, some kind of stakes need to be involved.

Here’s a thought for John: The narrative moves from this first page to him applying for a delivery job at the drug store. That’s when he’s asked about drugs. Start with the interview in progress after briefly setting the scene. You could have Amber enter and the person interviewing him, seeing John’s interest in her, could let him know she was the preacher’s daughter and untouchable. This could provoke the not taking a no for an answer. Then the interviewer asks the question about drugs and John makes his statement, and his thoughts could include the danger that would come with the drug person finding him. I’m sure this could be fit on the first page, and then other setup stuff could follow. It would be worth a try.

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2023 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2023 by John Maffia.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flogometer 1174 for Sheila —will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Sheila sends the first pages of Nina Back in Time, a middle-grade time travel mystery. The rest of the chapter is after the break. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.

I thought I was a pretty good sleuth (British word for detective), but after my summer at Silver Lake, the camp I didn’t want to go to, I’m sure of it. If you want to hear the whole story, read on. But it's long and involves some flying. If that makes you airsick, fasten your seatbelt. I’ll start at the beginning, so you don’t have to buckle up yet.

Back in March, I didn’t want to go to camp. I didn’t want to meet new people. “You can’t just sit around all summer reading,” Mom had said. SO annoying. She found a camp “in the middle of history,” her words, in the middle of nowhere, my words. It turned out okay, because I met Elkie, who became a better friend to me than Stacey, my oldest friend, who came with me to camp because our moms still think we are best friends.

Oh, I should warn you, Elkie’s got all kinds of super powers. I didn’t know what that meant at first, so I’m telling you for your own good. If you don’t like super powers, stop reading. But if you like surprises, read on. I’m not really giving anything away. Just warning you, like a hot sauce label does.

The big day arrived. After a hundred good-byes to Dad, my brother Benjie, my sister Bree, and most sadly, my bed, Mom drove me to the bus. “Bye, Mom.” I don’t like mushy good-byes. Mom pulled me into a big hug. Ugh. But I meant it when I said, “I’ll miss you, Mom.”

“Remember, Camp North Star Lake is in Seneca Falls, home of the early women’s rights…”

“I know, Mom. You’ve told me like 1,000 times.” She can’t help it, she’s a history professor.

I like the writing and the voice, especially the touches of humor. But . . .

While this opening page aims to tease me into a page turn with hints about super powers and more, it is basically all setup. There’s no actual story here and, thus, no story questions. This character doesn’t have a mystery to solve. We don’t, at this point, even know his/her name nor his/her gender (or should I say “their” gender?). The character has no troubling problem to deal with, nothing is threatening their peaceful middle-grade existence.

I read on, looking for something to make me wonder what happens next (not finding it) and was even more engaged by the writing . . . but there was still no story. Hints of one, perhaps a haunting, but nothing really happens to the character other than meeting people and talking about things. I suggest you look deeper into your manuscript for something happening that matters, that the character has to deal with or suffer consequences. Or, at the least, what most mysteries start with, a body. It may be that the teases will draw in your intended audience, but why not make it stronger? You’ve got the writing chops, put them to work with dramatic happenings.

Your thoughts?

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2023 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2023 by Sheila.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flogometer 1173 for Chris —will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Chris sends the first pages of Little Mountain, Big Trouble. The rest of the chapter is after the break. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.

I don’t know if there’s an official definition of “bad start to seventh grade,” but getting beat up for the third time in the first six weeks works for me. It started that morning when I walked into science class. As I headed down the aisle to my seat, Tommy Soukup blocked my path. When I tried to slide past, he hip-checked me into a desk. One of the ways he messes with smaller kids. That or stuff someone into a locker for laughs.

Soukup’s way bigger than me and the best athlete in school. His jock friends think he’s a god. But he’s not perfect. He’s an ugly zitface who’s dumb as a rock. He usually has armpit stains on his shirt and smells like BO. As I caught my balance, he folded his arms and smirked.

“Whatsa matter, Melonhead, too fat to fit in the aisle?” His smirk grew into a lop-sided grin, revealing his crooked yellow teeth.

My legs wanted to jet me out of the room, but something snapped in my brain. Maybe I was fed up with his crap. Maybe I had nothing to lose. Soukup was five inches taller and thirty pounds heavier. If he beat me up and I spent a week in the hospital, I’d at least get a vacation from school. I glared at him and said what I’d dreamed up weeks ago but never dared say to his face: “If your brain was dynamite, Suckup, there wouldn’t be enough to blow your hat off your head.”

The other kids in the room let out a collective gasp. Two girls giggled.

Good writing and voice. This reminded me of a similar thing that happened to me in junior high—I was the little kid, and there was a big bully. I handled it differently though, and the bully ended up a friend.

That’s neither here nor there, though. This opening satisfies the checklist in many ways, including something going wrong for the protagonist and an expectation of more trouble ahead, and those things raise good story questions. I will say, however, that this short chapter ends pretty much tension free, with no story questions popping up. Your thoughts?

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2023 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 202c by Chris.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flogometer 1174 for Roberta —will you be moved to turn the page?

Flogometer 1174 for Roberta —will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Roberta sends the first pages of The Counterfeiter. The rest of the chapter is after the break. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.

Amsterdam 1944 – 1945, The Hongerwinter

Once there had been beds of tulips, purple, red and yellow flowers in Vondelpark bowing on sturdy stems in the breeze. Now the pockmarked soil was bare with shallow holes where someone had dug up the bulbs, and taken them home, and dropped them in the soup kettle.

Lotte unwrapped the sandwich Bento had made for her and not having the heart to lift a corner of the bread to inspect the contents. She took a bite, anticipating a lot of chewing. Flour was as dear as gold dust. The bread was half sawdust. Between her teeth, like tooth powder, was the grit of it. She stifled a gag remembering the article in the newspaper about how the zoo creatures had been butchered, their flesh distributed to the poor. Lotte forced herself to swallow, refusing to complete her speculation. Since the Germans had occupied Holland five years ago, she’d grown accustomed to ersatz bread and coffee. Meat, really more gristle, than meat, was more difficult to ignore.

She chided herself for her squeamishness. Food should be the last thing on her mind. She had much more important things to worry about.

There was the crunch of gravel on the footpath. A man appeared and sat down on the bench opposite her, a metal lunch box tucked under his arm. An office worker? A school teacher? A store clerk? The important thing was he wasn’t German. He was far too skinny to be (snip)

There’s a little copyediting needed here, but that’s not a dealbreaker if the story is strong enough. This page introduces us to a world that most of us don’t know, and that’s appealing. The writing is sound, and the voice is good. We’re introduced to a sympathetic character and the setting is clear. So what are we missing?

The tension of a strong story question, the story tension of something gone wrong or clearly about to go wrong. That tension appears in this chapter, but not until the end. Until then, it’s exposition and establishment of the world and character. The tension comes from this stranger seeing the yellow star in her bag and her fear that he could report her and her husband. If there’s a way to get that on the first page, and I think there is, then this would earn a yes from me rather than an almost. It would be even stronger if the stranger appears to be a German/Nazi. Your thoughts?

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2022 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2022 by Roberta.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flogometer 1173 for Cyndi —will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Today it’s prologue versus chapter as Cyndi sends the first pages of her prologue and first chapter. Which, if either, has a compelling first page? This is from Fatal Errors. The rest of the submission is after the break. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.

Prologue

My name is Fatál, emphasis on the second syllable, please. And skip the jokes, I’ve heard them all. Grandma Zigana, bless her heart, thought she was doing me a favor, warding off whatever evil spirits that killed my mother when I was born. Try telling that to a seven-year-old, taunted every day with “Fay-tahl, Fay-tahl, touch her and you’re dead.”

I found out years later that Zigana had cornered the ring-leader of my tormenters one evening after I came home in tears, knees skinned and jacket torn from being worked over on the playground. She’d spun a yarn about wizards like in the Harry Potter books everyone was reading, threw in a dash of her garbled Catholicism and karma, and left him quaking in his high-priced Nikes. Zigana’s always been very good at leaving things unsaid, letting the imagination take over. She knows a person’s own fears are much worse than anything she could suggest. That’s the basis for a good curse—fear.

See we’re Romani, what most people would call Gypsy. At least I’m one-quarter Romani. Zigana had the bad luck to fall in love with a gajo, a non-Rom. So did Harmony, my mother, but I didn’t learn that until I was older. Zigana raised me. It was just the two of us. She’s proud of being Roma, but there’s a little shame, too, after growing up on the receiving end of the all-too-human tendency to mistreat what we don’t understand. It’s not so bad now, but from little things Zigana says, it wasn’t always good to be labeled “Gypsy” here in southwest Ohio, or anywhere, (snip)

Chapter

So I’m a hacker—get over it. My boss Patrice sure did, as long as she could use me. But I didn’t realize that until I got fired. That Gypsy sixth-sense Grandma Zigana insists I have failed me miserably.

Patrice had appeared at my cubicle in the Gem City Business College computer center the week after Thanksgiving and offered to buy coffee. Of course I accepted, figuring she wanted another hack. Only after we were seated at Beaner’s did she blindside me.

“You’re firing me?” I echoed.

I clutched my mug of chai, hoping to ward off the chill her announcement caused. My strident question silenced the chatty barista at the counter behind me, and I wanted him and the trio at the next table to stop staring. They did when I glared at them.

Patrice looked everywhere but at me as she fidgeted, adding more sugar to her already syrupy coffee, checking her watch.

“You’re firing me,” I repeated, only a tad calmer.

“It’s been brought to my attention that you’ve been bypassing security protocols to gain access to confidential files.” Patrice could have been reading from the employee handbook. Silence stretched while a scathing response eluded me. My mood dropped to match the gloomy weather. Twice in my twenty-four years, my hacking had backfired, leaving me betrayed (snip)

In my view, prologues seldom grab me unless they are a scene with story tension. This prologue gives us an appealing voice and good writing and lots of backstory and setup. Tension? Not for this reader. If your prologue is the first thing a reader sees, shouldn’t it work as hard to grip a reader and provide tension as the story? My advice is to work on folding necessary information from here into the actual story as things happen. Cyndi can do it, I’m sure.

The first page of chapter 1 does manage to create some tension with something going wrong for the protagonist, and anyone who has ever been fired (I have, twice, for being too good at my job) knows what a blow this is. But it’s not an unmanageable blow if that’s all there is and the consequences are not dire. In this case, that’s the case—the stakes are not shown as being particularly high.

But later in the chapter we learn that if this firing is reported to the character’s parole board, they could be sent back to prison. Now, those are strong stakes. I’d work to get that on the first page. It shouldn’t be hard to do. Your thoughts?

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2022 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2022 by Cyndi.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flogometer 1172 for John —will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

John sends the first chapter of an untitled science fiction story. The rest of the chapter is after the break. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.

Missy, the wife of my bosom, didn't begin life as a Missy. Her parents being folks of a romantic, imaginative nature, she started out as something dubbed Minsterwood; but no one, not even her parents, ever called her by that name. No, it was always Mincie, or Minnie, and she tells me that an old, far too clever boyfriend experimented with Woody and Woods. More than anything, she says, that made her first decide to eventually cast him into the outer darkness.

I laugh at that story whenever she repeats it, and remind her that life has blessed her, ever and finally, with only one old boyfriend: Guy Landis. That is to say, me.

On a Friday evening in our stateroom aboard the former asteroid now known as the ISS Tascheter, we have resumed this familiar, playful conversation. Granted, you can often find us in a familiar, playful conversation of some kind. But because the crew has lifted the booze-ration lid for the next several hours, Missy and I have just poured the first of our Lower Manhattans -- a tipple of our own devising, with bourbon and Campari at its heart -- and the evening's playfulness has just begun. Several old pals from past revels about the ship are scheduled to arrive within the next hour or two, and we look forward to much more laughter, and much bending of elbows and ears.

(Such, anyway, is our fantasy of the moment. But when you're in our line of work -- poking our noses into places where they're not wanted -- who knows what adventures might lie ahead?)

On the positive side, the voice is clear and likeable, and the writing is as well. You can have confidence in this writer . . . to a point. The point where confidence wanes is when we finish the first page with nary a story question raised, no sense of tension, no reason to wonder what will happen next. We have a nicely done introduction to the protagonist and can anticipate that a party will be happening, but that’s about it. As readers, we may suspect that this tranquil moment, or the party, will be shattered by events to come, but they’re not here in time. The only thing I found of real interest is that they are on a "former" asteroid. But that's hardly story. In my view, this whole chapter is nothing more than setup. The real story starts later. Show us that page, John. Your thoughts?

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2022 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2022 by John.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.