Flogging the Quill

Flogometer 1087 for Aurelia —are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Aurelia sends the prologue and first chapter of Amser. The rest of the narrative is after the break.

Prologue

The darkness showed a promise. Of a fresh dawn. Or of a permanent ending.

The frosty air wrapped around me like a vicious, icy vine, intent on suppressing whatever few breaths, I was managing to inhale. The ground looked absolute white, layered thickly with frost. The air and frost together, caressing my skin slowly, luring away heat from my body. It almost looked as if they would maintain this action until they perhaps stole my pink blush and supplanted it effectively with cold blue. Even rubbing my hands yielded a paltry amount of warmth that accomplished nothing in appeasing the rapacious appetite of the wintry air around me.

Nothing came to my mind. Every spell, every charm was hazy and blurry. I was even incompetent to perform the simple lighting charm that was taught to infants. Beginning to feel like a want-wit due to my present incapacity, I gave up any effort of trying to remember spells and sank my arms slowly on the frigid ground.

I was trapped in here. With not a single way out. I tried searching for anything that would help me get out of here- a door, a window, a crevice - everything but detected nothing. I had no inkling as to how I ever got in here in the first place. All I remembered was that one blow of gentle air and then, complete nothingness.

Sound of steady footsteps pierced the utter silence. The sound ceased but then (snip)

Chapter 1

"The Wheel is turning in our direction."

I massaged my throbbing temples as I glanced at the words inscribed on the cover of her grandmother's journal. The meaning of the words escaped my brain completely. Not knowing, what to make of the statement, I started taking a better look at the complete journal.

Bound in russet leather, cracked and dry with age, the thick, aged book felt much lighter than it looked. An intricate array of designs were etched across the entire cover from front to back. There was no title on it, except the quotation and my grandmother's name - Louella Abornazine, indicating that I was indeed right to assume it as a journal.

Taking great care, I cracked open the tatty journal. A sound like a small sigh came as a result of the action and a warm and musty smell greeted my nostrils. I tried to breath and smell the forgotten words of my grandmother but ended up inhaling the dust also, causing me to sneeze loudly. Achoo!

The old, thin oniony pages of the journal were so delicate that I feared that they might tear up at the slightest jerk. I slowly turned the first blank page and began reading the contents of the journal.

The ink of the words felt fresh and real as if written just yester eve. The words were written in a crisp, clear handwriting and detailed all the mundane tasks that a witch of (snip)

Very nice writing here, especially appropriate for fantasy. I responded to the voice, as well, and liked that the voices in the prologue and the chapter felt like different people.

For me, the opening page of the prologue had the writing and the story question it needed to earn a page-turn. And, after I read the whole prologue, I wanted it to continue with that story. I was disappointed when it ended.

Then came chapter 1. Still good writing and voice. But it turned out to be primarily setup. There were no story questions raised as far I could see. Is the writer counting on the story questions raised by the prologue to keep this page turning as well? I think so, but I was let down. I was in the grip of a story and then I was transported to setup. For me, this chapter needs to start out running with strong story questions. They didn’t come in the first chapter, perhaps they do in the second. Your thoughts, readers?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2019 by Aurelia.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1086 for Shannon —are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Shannon sends the first chapter of Let the Light In. The rest of the chapter after the break.

There was something inherently wrong about dying on one’s birthday. For someone more precise than my mother, it might have been pleasing, satisfying, like a picture frame hanging perfectly straight or Tupperware stacked in towers and rows, each with matching lid. To know that her life was neatly wrapped up in exactly thirty-six years, no extra days waving loose. But my mother hadn’t cared about things like that. If we’d had pictures on the walls of our cramped flat, frames knocked in passing would have stayed crooked for months. If we’d even owned Tupperware—if she had cooked a day in her thirty-six years—its cupboard would have been a bomb site.

And here I’d thought Mum had already experienced the worst birthday, the one a decade earlier. The one when her boyfriend broke up with her instead of proposing, slipped out the door, back to his mansion and his wife. At seven years old I’d watched her collapse, icing and crumbs trailing down the door from where the birthday cake made impact.

No, on a scale of one to dead, this birthday trumped that one.

I wasn’t crying. Shouldn’t I be crying? The last words we’d spoken were the death throes of an argument. Surely that was even more reason to cry, but instead it sucked all moisture from my eyes. My mouth, too. Full of cotton wool, no room for words. But my mother’s final sentences had yet to leave me, still filtered like dye through my water-logged (snip)

Good writing and a clear voice almost started me off in the right direction. The “almost” comes from a clarity issue caused by the first sentence.

There was something inherently wrong about dying on one’s birthday.

You see, I took that sentence as being said by a protagonist who was now dead. Other novels have been narrated by dead people, and this seemed to be that. But it’s not. It is her mother who has died on that day. As the chapter unfolds, it seems as if the mother either committed suicide or was murdered, which is unfortunately not revealed. For me, whichever it is should have been brought up early on. If on the first page, it could have raised story questions.

Speaking of story questions, there isn’t much of one. When you analyze this, it starts off with musing. Then there’s a bit of flashback. The last paragraph does begin to immerse us in the character, and perhaps there is a story question—what was the argument about? But, with nothing there about a suspicious or tragic cause of death, the argument doesn’t seem related to the death, only to their relationship. I think there are strong story elements in this story, but they need to be present on the first page, as much as can be done. Go through the checklist and see how your narrative matches up. Your thoughts, readers?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2019 by Shannon.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1085 for Anna —are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Anna sends the first chapter of Where the Crawdads Sing . The rest of the chapter after the break.

It was the first time she had been out of the house since the funeral. She walked briskly through the countryside towards town. Her footsteps as light as her heart. Although her steps were filled with hope, she knew her walk to town this morning was not without its perils.

The dirt path broadened and bustling downtown came into view. The sights at once overwhelmed her senses. She studied every line, shape and object that grazed her eyes. She tuned her ear to every sound and surveyed every face.

Everything was exactly the way she had left it. Her smile melted. Her footsteps became heavier. Yet, she stubbornly clung to her optimistic spirit, hoping that those she greeted would kindly do the same.

“Good morning Mrs. Plum, Mrs. Chandler.” Catherine waved but didn’t stop to join the women conversing in front of the bakery.

Mrs. Plum stretched out her hand to return the greeting as customary but instantly drew her hand back as if touching fire and her face curled up in such agitation that Mrs. Chandler stopped her busy chattering to witness the cause of the agitation. Mrs. Chandler’s narrow set eyes grew as wide as a frog’s. Her jaw dropped and she hastily covered her mouth. Neither of them returned the greeting.

Catherine bravely pressed on. Other passerby’s were slightly more cordial than Mrs. Plum (snip)

There’s some nice writing here, and the scene is fairly well set, though I wasn’t able to easily visualize the size of the town. Starting with a dirt path, it seemed like it would be a village rather than a place with a “bustling downtown.” But that’s not all that important.

There is tension here about something the reader doesn’t know about and doesn’t learn about on this page, which, for me, weakens the tension. In other words, what is the problem? What is the trouble? What are the consequences? What is the compelling story question?

The primary story question I get from this page is why are people being nasty and rude to this sympathetic character? Fundamentally, it is primarily setup. In fact, the rest of the chapter is setup—we don’t get to anything happening that the character has to deal with or that causes a problem for her. I think the story starts later, and encourage Anna to look for that point where something problematic happens that forces the character to take action. Meanwhile, there are a few craft issues that should be looked at. A brief edit:

It was the first time she had been out of the house since the funeral. She walked briskly through the countryside towards town. Her footsteps as light as her heart. Although her steps were filled with hope, she knew her walk to town this morning was not without its perils. “the funeral” is a bit vague. this would have more meaning if it were “her husband’s funeral” and would inform what follows. The sentence fragment would serve better if it were a part of the opening sentence. While I respect voice, I feel that continuing to give emotions to her steps rather than the person doesn’t work well. The goal is to immerse the reader in the character’s experience, not that of her feet.

The dirt path broadened and the bustling downtown came into view. The sights at once overwhelmed her senses. She studied every line, shape and object that grazed her eyes. She tuned her ear to every sound and surveyed every face. The highlighted sentence is “telling.” Show us the reactions that let us know that she is overwhelmed. Maybe it would be best to just cut that sentence and stick with what’s happening within her.

Everything was exactly the way she had left it. Her smile melted. Her footsteps became heavier. Yet, she stubbornly clung to her optimistic spirit, hoping that those she greeted would kindly do the same. I would cut the highlighted sentence because, since the reader doesn’t know how she left it or what might be bad about that, this doesn’t mean much. The following descriptions do a better job of showing and immersing.

“Good morning Mrs. Plum, Mrs. Chandler.” Catherine waved but didn’t stop to join the women conversing in front of the bakery.

Mrs. Plum stretched out her hand to return the greeting as customary but instantly drew her hand back as if touching fire and her face curled up in such agitation that Mrs. Chandler stopped her busy chattering to witness the cause of the agitation. Mrs. Chandler’s narrow set eyes grew as wide as a frog’s. Her jaw dropped and she hastily covered her mouth. Neither of them returned the greeting. "instantly drew" is weak adverbial description. Look for a stronger verb such as jerked or yanked.

Catherine bravely pressed on. Other passersby passerby’s were slightly more cordial than Mrs. Plum (snip) “bravely pressed on” is a weak bit of adverbial description. Can you show us? Does she lift her chin? Straighten her back and square her shoulders as she passes?

I liked the character and would have been happy to have been more involved with her, but we need more tension in the narrative. Your thoughts, readers?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2019 by Anna.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1084 for Alex —are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Alex sends the first chapter of The Seer’s Legacy . The rest of the chapter after the break.

Of course, there’s nothing unusual about a flame flickering in a gray morning, yet Aedan Cross swore he could hear the one before him murmur in resistance. The flame, only inches from his face, seemed to leap out at him in a desperate attempt to free itself of the matchstick, as if it somehow wasn’t quite content.

“FREAK!”

Aedan jumped, and just like that, the match went out. A few kids, who’d been playing kickball, had noticed Aedan sitting at the edge of the field, sitting alone on a curb below a light post.

A big girl sniggered. “What do you even look for in that thing?”

Everyone stopped to watch the disturbance with mingled looks of disgust and horror. Aedan was used to this, but he had other things on his mind — like the fact that he felt so close to finally discovering what that flame was trying to communicate.

“Hearing voices again, Jay?” a boy next to the girl mocked, looking at Aedan, who grimaced. He had a sudden urge to yell at the boy and tell him that wasn’t his real name. But he knew he couldn’t.

Aedan stood. “What if you’re all just deaf?” He felt irritated that he had been interrupted once again, and his surroundings were reflecting this. The light post above him flickered in sync (snip)

Okay, we start with good writing and voice. The scene is sketched out, and something is happening. But what? There is conflict between Aedan and the other kids, but that doesn’t amount to much more than teasing at this stage. The first-page narrative ends before anything out of the ordinary happens. Yeah, he’s been “listening” to a flame, and that helps establish something. But what?

If the narrative were trimmed just a little, and that wouldn’t be hard, the first page could have included this: The light post above him flickered in sync . . .

. . . with his excited heartbeat.

Two things: clearly it isn’t the light pole that flickers, but the light. Second thing: having a light flicker with your heartbeat signals that something is coming, and raises story questions. This would have been stronger if that had been there. It would be even stronger if the coming part about the light exploding were there. As it is, this gets an “Almost” from me.

Your thoughts, readers?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2019 by Alex.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1083 for Millie —are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Millie sends the first chapter of The Edge of Nowhere. Millie has elected to not have the rest of the chapter posted.

I should have run. Why I didn’t I’ll never know.

Ben’s stiletto-skinny fingers clutched the back of my neck, and his thumb dug into my cheek. He slammed me face-first against our bedroom wall.

Not another fight. My forehead exploded in excruciating pain, and blood gushed out of my mashed nose onto the hand-painted silk. Burning tears burst from my eyes.

He spun me around. Resplendent in white, custom-tailored, Certified Sea Island cotton, his pecs and biceps filled my vision. His sweat and bourbon-breath fouled the air.

I wanted to blast him to Pluto, but my scream came out a whimper. “Stop it.”

His steel-girder body didn’t budge. A fistful of papers came at me. “Explain this.”

Up close, I couldn’t read the papers, but one blurry detail stood out: my bank’s unmistakable blue logo. My separate bank.

I was busted, but good. Nothing of this earth could save me this time.

“Cunt. You stole from me.” His voice rumbled against my ear. One hand raised the pages out of reach. The other yanked my hair back until I thought my neck would snap. His face loomed over mine, and I registered the relentless determination of his glowering stare, his welded brow, his contorted grimace. “Kate Lancer, hot-shot investigative reporter, think you’re so hot now?”

Wow. Definitely conflict in this opening. A sympathetic character, too—who won’t get behind a woman being assaulted by a violent man? In many respects, the story questions raised in this opening are strong enough to earn a page-turn. However . . .

If adjectives and excess description were sugar, I’d be headed for insulin shock right about now. In Millie’s efforts to give us every nuance of this violent encounter, she has, IMO, gone overboard. I’ll let my edit speak for itself. I think this chapter could be powerful, but only after the over-writing has been excised with judicial use of the delete key. My notes:

I should have run. Why I didn’t I’ll never know.

Ben’s stiletto-skinny fingers clutched the back of my neck, and his thumb dug into my cheek. He slammed me face-first against our bedroom wall.

Not another fight. My forehead exploded in excruciating pain, and blood gushed out of my mashed nose onto the hand-painted silk. Burning tears burst from my eyes. Her forehead didn’t literally explode, which is what this means. It could explode with pain.

He spun me around. Resplendent in white, custom-tailored, Certified Sea Island cotton, his pecs and biceps filled my vision. His sweat and bourbon-breath fouled the air. This is a violent action scene. To stop it with a laundry list of description stalls it.

I wanted to blast him to Pluto, but my scream came out a whimper. “Stop it.”

His steel-girder body He didn’t budge. A fistful of papers came at me. “Explain this.”

Up close, I couldn’t read the papers, but one blurry detail stood out: my bank’s unmistakable blue logo. My separate bank.

I was busted, but good. Nothing of this earth could save me this time.

“Cunt. You stole from me.” His voice rumbled against my ear. One hand raised the pages out of reach. The other yanked my hair back until I thought my neck would snap. His face loomed over mine, and I registered the relentless determination of his glowering stare, his welded brow, his contorted grimace. “Kate Lancer, hot-shot investigative reporter, think you’re so hot now?” relentless, glowering, welded? We can already “see” the fury on this guy’s face, his actions and words give us that. This stops intense action in its tracks. Stay with what’s happening, don’t engorge the narrative with overdone description.

You can have a powerful, compelling scene here. I suggest you look through the rest of the chapter and your manuscript and scour out excess adjectives and description. This kind and degree of overwriting is a strong signal to a literary agent that the manuscript may need too much work to be worth considering. In action, make it quick and crisp.

Your thoughts, readers?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2019 by Millie.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1082 for Vicky—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Vicky sends the first chapter of Exili Saves the Flintelf. The rest of the chapter is after the fold.

Exili ran as fast as he could. It was hard with no shoes on, even though his dark brown feet had rough soles. The pebbles indented in the cobblestones of Capnet didn’t hurt him, rather, it was the deciphering ability of the undersides of his feet that cried out. Each squish of moisture displaced by his weight, and each waft of essence discerned, all tried to overwhelm his desperate brain. He couldn’t fail and let it happen again. Fear of seeing another murder consumed him.

That Flintelf was just too fast as he led the race. Danger chanted a song of hatred aimed at the Flintelf’s back. The nuances spicing up from the ground rattled with every pounded footfall like dying breath. Around them the neighborhoods of Capnet were transitioning from his own large but snug greenhome in the Farris segment and now they were in the Flintelf community. Here the treehouses, built like square branches blending with the graceful curves of the tree limbs, rose high in the night sky. Flintelves treated trees like Pure Elves had upper floors in their mansions.

When the Flintelf disappeared in front of him Exili went on running a few more paces, trying to feel with his feet the heat of the other’s passage.

Suddenly he was grabbed from behind. Long white fingers checked his flight, lifting his shorter form up so fast his Farris feet were still moving. Wham! He was planted on the ground.

“Now, Farris,” the Flintelf growled at him, “you’ll tell me why you’re following me!”

We start with an action scene, which is all to the good. We’re immersed in the character’s world (mostly) as trouble grabs him. While there’s a lot to like about the imagination in this opening and the fresh new world we’re being introduced to, a lack of clarity earned this an “almost. Here are some editorial thoughts to illustrate:

Exili ran as fast as he could. It was hard with no shoes on, even though his dark brown feet had rough soles. The pebbles indented in the cobblestones of Capnet didn’t hurt him, rather, it was the deciphering ability of the undersides of his feet that cried out. Each squish of moisture displaced by his weight, and each waft of essence discerned, all tried to overwhelm his desperate brain. He couldn’t fail and let it happen again. Fear of seeing another murder consumed him. ”dark brown” is a pov slip—he would not, especially when in a chase, be thinking about the color of his feet. “indented” was my first clarity issue—how can pebbles be indented in cobblestones? Do you mean embedded? The antecedent for “it” is a little unclear. Do you mean being overwhelmed? Can you expand this to make the meaning clear?

That The Flintelf was just too fast as he led the race. Danger chanted a song of hatred aimed at the Flintelf’s back. The nuances spicing up from the ground rattled with every pounded footfall like dying breath. Around them the neighborhoods of Capnet were transitioning from his own large but snug greenhome in the Farris segment and now they were in the Flintelf community. Here the treehouses, built like square branches blending with the graceful curves of the tree limbs, rose high in the night sky. Flintelves treated trees like Pure Elves had upper floors in their mansions. "leading the race" isn't clear--do you mean that they are racing? My impression was that Exili was chasing the Flintelf. Clarity issue. I have no idea what is meant by the last sentence. Another clarity issue. The information about which neighborhood he’s in and what a certain kind of elf does with their housing does not seem relevant to what’s happening here. I’d delete it and stick with the action. You need the space to make this character and what is happening more clear.

When the Flintelf disappeared in front of him, Exili went on running a few more paces, trying to feel with his feet the heat of the other’s passage.

Suddenly he was grabbed from behind. Long white fingers checked his flight, lifting his shorter form up so fast his Farris feet were still moving. Wham! He was planted on the ground. Regarding “planted,” this didn’t give me a clear visual, and I thought it meant that he was still upright. Turns out later he’s on his back. That should be clear here.

“Now, Farris,” the Flintelf growled at him, “you’ll tell me why you’re following me!”

Your thoughts?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2019 by Vicky.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1081 for Glenda—are you compelled to turn the page?

Apologies for not posting as frequently as usual. There just haven't been any free BookBub books that I wanted to spend the time looking at, and submissions from writers slacked off. I'm in the throes of polishing a new novel, too, and that's a major distraction. But today's submission is worth a look, for sure.

---

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Glenda sends a revision of Broken Toys. The rest of the chapter is after the fold.

Blood trickled from a gash on Alyssa’s forehead. It mixed with sweat and dripped into her eyes, burning and blurring her vision. She brushed it away.

Floundering to a stop, she doubled over, gasping for oxygen. Her pale skin gleamed in the meager light of the crescent moon. She wrapped the dark blanket tighter, camouflaging herself in the shadows. Hands resting on scraped, bony knees, she sucked in a ragged breath, choking on the smell of rotten eggs.

“Sour gas,” he said, bending over beside her, “from the oil wells.” His eyes met hers. The concern — or was it excitement? — smoldering in his indigo eyes pulled at her emotions. “Here, put this on.” He straightened and placed his navy baseball cap over her hair, tucking the platinum lengths from sight. “Let’s go.”

She hesitated.

He grabbed her. The blanket slid from her shoulders. His calloused fingers, rough on her young skin, spun her to face back the way they had come.

“Do you want them to catch us?” he asked, voice menacing. He yanked on her arm, tugging her forward. “I can always take you back, you know. Less hassle on my part that way.”

The metal storage container where she had been imprisoned loomed in front of them, a darker shadow among shadows. Despite the oppressive heat of the early August Texas morning, (snip)

Glenda evokes a strong opening scene here. The scene is quickly set—we have images of where the characters are and what they are doing. A dark mood is created as well, with light, touch, and smells. No musing here, no lazy description, and plenty happening, and there’s jeopardy for a girl who has been imprisoned. There’s hope of rescue for her, too, which creates a strong “what happens next?” story question. From a story point of view, I think this works.

The writing is good, but I felt like it tries too hard at times and not hard enough at others. These are, admittedly, nitpicks, but we’re always looking for ways to make our writing stronger, aren’t we? First, there’s a bit of a break in POV when her pale skin is described. The character wouldn’t be thinking of the paleness of her skin at such a moment, IMO. The description can be made to work, though, with a simple shift in the description.

Her skin gleamed palely in the meager light . . . etc.

Similarly, she wouldn’t be thinking of her hair color here, either. I felt that the color descriptions were trying too hard. “Indigo” is a rare enough word that I had to look it up to be sure of its meaning. In a tense scene like this, why not just “blue” or “gray-blue” so the reader gets an immediate picture instead of having to work for it? The same goes for the use of “platinum.” Sure, it’s a legitimate color for hair, but is in necessary to be that specific for this scene?

Lastly, I was bothered that she hesitated when the guy says to go. Why? She’s being led away from imprisonment in a storage container. Why would she hesitate? Wouldn’t she instead be pulling ahead? If you must have her hesitate here, motivate it. We’re deep in her POV, so you can do that. She could have a greater fear of what’s ahead that of what’s behind, but only if we understand her motivation.

Other than those little things, I think this is worth a page-turn.

Your thoughts?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2019 by Glenda.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1080 for Alison—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Alison sends a revision of a first chapter she submitted last year. The title is The Downfall/em>. The rest of the chapter is after the fold.

This has to be the last time, resolved Emma as she waited. She needed to prove to the doubters, and herself, that this move, this gamble, hadn’t been a massive mistake.

The door swung open, and a stocky, dark-haired man appeared, his hand outstretched in greeting.

“Terry Quinn,” he smiled. “You must be Emma?”

Though not tall, he presented an imposing figure. That, coupled with his buzz cut, immediately created the impression he was ex-military, or police perhaps.

“Yes, Emma Stott,” she replied, rising and straightening her skirt.

“Thank you for coming at such short notice,” Terry said. “Come this way, please.”

The receptionist mouthed good luck and Emma took a deep, steadying breath as she followed Terry into a large open plan, and almost deserted, office.

“I’ve let people go early, what with the weather being so good,” he explained, as though sensing her surprise.

They neared a group of desks, and Emma noticed a blonde head just visible behind a computer monitor. Suddenly the head lifted, revealing a pair of sapphire blue eyes which narrowed and hardened the instant their gazes locked. Rattled, Emma stalled.

“Emma?” Terry was waiting for her, and she rallied, joining him in his office, aware now (snip)

Once again, the writing and voice work pretty well. There is tension in the character . . . but, for me, not in the scene. There’s no conflict or problem that she has to deal with. There’s a suggestion of some kind of trouble with the blue eyes, but we have no clue as to what it could be or why or the stakes involved. The character is fine, and we can connect with being nervous at what appears to be a job interview, but that’s hardly threatening in any serious way. I think the reader needs just a little bit more to chew on here to become involved with this scene. Why is she there? Why do blue eyes upset her? What are the consequences of the interview going wrong? I think Alison is trying to tease us into the story, but I feel we need to be dropped right into it. As it turns out, Emma doesn’t face any trouble in the chapter, which makes me think the real story starts later, well after the setup in chapter 1.

Your thoughts?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2019 by John.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1079 for John—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

John sends the first chapter of The Reckoning. Tom did not wish to share the rest of the chapter.

WILL SHERMAN SHOULDERED his way out of the steamy subway tunnel on Twenty-Third Street and stopped on the hot sidewalk where he gazed a moment at the rash of trolleys, trucks and horsecabs trundling up Broadway. He mopped his forehead and the leathered seams of his face with a black bandanna, then pinched the crown of his flat-brimmed Stetson, clapped it to his head and squared it. He bent the big brim to shade his eyes and, what the hell, squinted up again at the new building that had caught his fancy earlier. He’d passed it one time already on his way uptown but couldn’t get enough of the thing. “Burnham’s Folly” that fellow in the café up on Longacre Square had called it. Most likely after the one who’d built it. Will admired the clean brown brick of the triangular structure that soared up twenty-one floors like an upright flatiron. It was the tallest manmade thing on earth, the man had bragged. For Will, its majesty called to mind the grain elevators of western Nebraska where he’d grown up. A lot of New Yorkers had been betting seriously on whether it would fall over in the first big wind, but it looked more solid than any elevator Will had ever seen. Even so, it was a lovely sight. And after a few more minutes of studying it, he tugged his hat down level and ambled off south toward his sister’s apartment, which lay eight or nine blocks down the wide, tree-lined boulevard known as Irving Place.

Accustomed to making even his shortest of journeys on horseback, Will began sweating (snip)

The writing is solid in this opening, and the scene is well-set. For me, though, there are several issues that forestalled a page-turn. I’ll do a little editing in a moment, but first here are some of the concerns.

The first is that long, long, long paragraph. Readers need breaks in big chunks of narrative so they can take it in with easy bites. A big block of text is uninviting, like a wall. Reading it becomes work, not fun. So, to start with, I’d break it up.

In an effort to give us a sense of the world and the time, the narrative dives into exposition about a building. I’ll bet you guess the answer to this: is the building involved with the rest of the narrative in this chapter?

Nope. All that wordage that could be spent on engaging a reader in what’s happening to our character is spent on nothing happening to our character. As a result, the real opening of action and story is left to the second page. Just so you’ll know, on the second page is this:

“Gimmie your money. And be quick.”

Will, bent over, resting his chin in his hands, heard the voice at the same moment he saw the tips of the shabby brogans. The sole of one shoe flopped loose, the other’s laces were untied. He sat back and looked up into the face of a boy whose rumpled, outsized clothes at first made him look smaller than he was. A fresh-faced kid, muscular. Seventeen, maybe eighteen. His hair, the texture of new rope, was a dark russet. It frizzed out wildly from beneath the visor of the tattered wool cap that overhung his forehead and half hid the eyes. The outlandish look of the unruly hair and cap touched Will. He started to smile. Then he saw the glint of the knife blade in the kid’s right hand.

“C’mon, old man. You deaf? I said hurry it on up. Gimmie the—”

To be sure, I would trim that big paragraph some, too, but at least there’s s serious problem the character has to deal with, and how he deals with it both continues the story, immerses us in his experience, and tells more about the character. But that opportunity for the first page is squandered in details about a building that doesn’t matter to the story in any way.

Another problem with that leisurely narrative about the structure is that it foreshadows more of the same to come in the novel, promising scaling more dense walls of description. Me? I want story.

There are small craft issues, primarily a break in point of view. Let’s see if we can edit this down to get the strong stuff on the first page.

WILL SHERMAN SHOULDERED his way out of the steamy subway tunnel on Twenty-Third Street and stopped on the hot sidewalk where he gazed a moment at the rash of trolleys, trucks and horsecabs trundling up Broadway. He mopped his forehead and the leathered seams of his face with a black bandanna, then pinched the crown of his flat-brimmed Stetson, clapped it to his head and squared it. He bent the big brim to shade his eyes and, what the hell, squinted up again at the new building that had caught his fancy earlier. He’d passed it one time already on his way uptown but couldn’t get enough of the thing. “Burnham’s Folly” that fellow in the café up on Longacre Square had called it. Most likely after the one who’d built it. Will admired the clean brown brick of the triangular structure that soared up twenty-one floors like an upright flatiron. It was the tallest manmade thing on earth, the man had bragged. For Will, its majesty called to mind the grain elevators of western Nebraska where he’d grown up. A lot of New Yorkers had been betting seriously on whether it would fall over in the first big wind, but it looked more solid than any elevator Will had ever seen. Even so, it was a lovely sight. And after a few more minutes of studying it, he tugged his hat down level and ambled off south toward his sister’s apartment, which lay eight or nine blocks down the wide, tree-lined boulevard known as Irving Place. In close third person POV he would not be thinking about “the leathered seams” of his face. Cutting all the information about the building enabled the inclusion of all of the following:

Accustomed to making even his shortest of journeys on horseback, Will began sweating heavily about six blocks into the walk. The moist, heavy air made breathing a chore. His head began throbbing and the hand-tooled saddle boots he’d bought on the recent stopover in Cheyenne were raising blisters like white grapes on his heels and ankles. Finally he hobbled over to an iron bench in a secluded, shady corner of Gramercy Park and eased himself down on it. He slung off the stiff boots, letting air get at his stinging, swollen feet, and sighed heavily. This part about the boots tells us a lot about the character and makes him sympathetic—we’ve all had blisters on our feet, I’ll bet, and know how it hurts.

He couldn’t recall a time when his head had hurt so. It started on him in the oppressive heat of the subway and only got worse with the endless clatter of hansom cabs and the chug of motorcars flitting about. Now he was beginning to wonder if this trip was—

“Gimmie your money. And be quick.”

I loved being taken into this world, and the rest of the chapter shows us a man of action who is also a fairly warm human being, someone I’d want to ride a little further with. So use that delete key, John, and start this story out at a gallop.

Your thoughts?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2019 by John.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1078 for Tom—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Tom sends the first chapter of Identity Shift. Tom did not wish to share the rest of the chapter.

Brandon held a no-frills beige wire-free 34B aloft, enthusiastically waving it like he might a pennant bearing the logo of the local Denver professional football team.

“How’d this get in with my stuff?”

Karen looked up from the couch where she’d been studying a newspaper advertisement for tires. “Oh, there it is. Just throw it onto my side of the bed when you go in.”

He returned to folding laundry. Karen soon broke the silence.

“If it’s not one thing it’s another. The service department said my car needs new tires."

"Okay. I'll ch-ch-check into it." It felt good to make that offer. She could be fiercely independent, and opportunities to help her with something important were becoming rare.

"But … it's my car."

His spirits wilted. She’d again misread his intentions. Their relationship was already strained from fighting over one damned feminist code thing or another. He sensed it would be better to just let things go ¬– but he couldn't.

"I was just offering—."

Her eyes pierced the distance. "How do you get to decide?"

He tensed and swallowed the rest of what he wanted to say, then searched her face in hopes of getting a better read on her mood, but she had already returned to her newspaper.

We start with a scene. Good. There’s conflict and tension between the characters. Also good. The writing works (except for what I see as a pretty clumsy way to identify a football team. It doesn’t matter if it’s local, just say something like the Denver Broncos.)

So there’s tension and conflict . . . but what are the stakes? We have a testy woman and a beaten down man quibbling over personal authority in the relationship. This does not seem to be a high-stakes conflict. While I think it’s true that you need something going wrong to have a story, I also believe that the stakes should matter to the reader, if not the characters. Here we seem to just have an irritable, contentious woman and a timid man. I think the first page tells you that he will surrender to her and she probably won’t even notice. Quibble over even before it’s over. I suggest the story starts later when something happens to disrupt his life that has serious consequences. Your thoughts?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2018 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2018 by Tom.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.