Flogging the Quill

Flogometer 1178 for Kathleen—will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Kathleen sent the first pages of Back to Square One. The rest of the chapter is after the break. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.

As I lower myself onto my chair, my insides clench painfully and the heat rises to my wind chilled cheeks. The teacher’s desk is empty. I alone of my classmates know what has happened. Miss Halstead finally trudges through the door holding a bunched Kleenex to her eyes. Her voice breaking, she utters, “President John F. Kennedy has been shot.”

I wasn’t able to stop it! How could I? I’m still a child. Who would listen to me? One thing is sure, my father will believe me now. Even if he puts it down to premonition, he’ll listen.

I try to slow my breathing, exhaling slowly. If I couldn’t prevent Kennedy’s death, how will I stop a war? The room goes in and out of focus as if I’ve been set in place with no awareness of my surroundings - apart from them. Focus, things I can see, the wood desk with the ink stain, the ragged cuff of my sleeve, touch, the chewed pencil, my thin hair ribbon, hear, muffled distress – tune that out, the wind against the sill.

As the shock settles, I examine my fellow students perched on their hard wooden chairs. Many of their young faces are streaked with grief. All I can see of the tallest boy at the back of my row is the top of his blond head pressed into his crossed arms, shrouding his desktop.

My chief competitor for the honour roll raises his hand. He demands, “How? Why?”

Clearing her throat, struggling to compose herself, Miss Halstead replies, “It happened in Dallas Texas. The only information I have is, the president is in hospital.”

The writing and voice are good, but what about the narrative? For me, I just didn’t know enough to be intrigued by the character’s rhetorical questions. Why would any child have those questions? Turns out she’s living her life for a second time but has knowledge of things to come. The premise is promising . . . but the whole first chapter, while detailing other instances, is pretty much exposition and setup. We don’t come upon her present problem—the actual inciting incident didn’t, to my eye, appear. I think the story starts there—try it, and weave in her unique life along the way.

Your thoughts?

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2023 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2023 by Kathleen.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flogometer 1175 for John —will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

John sent the first pages of Crossroads, a new adult love story. The rest of the chapter is after the break. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.

Amber Jean Monroe was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen. She stood tall for a girl, maybe five-foot-ten, had golden hair, thick and voluminous, that cascaded to the small of her back, and a splattering of freckles across the bridge of her nose. She wore blue jeans and a light-pink, half-sleeve, button-down blouse that she filled out rather nicely. When she smiled, it seemed as though she was about to share a whispered secret. In all of my twenty-five years, I had never seen another woman more spectacular.

Unfortunately, as I would find out, she was completely untouchable.

I was standing at the counter of Luke’s Pharmacy when she approached and I let her go in front of me. I came in for some aspirin intending to continue through to the next town, but after spotting her, I made the ad-hoc decision to hang around for a while.

“Thanks, Gabe,” she said, taking her change from the guy behind the counter.

She looked at me briefly, flashed a smile, then walked out the door and went to the left.

“Damn,” I muttered.

“Can I help you?” Gabe asked with a hint of impatience.

“Uh, yeah,” I responded, still trying to keep an eye on the girl before she slipped out of view. “I noticed the sign in the window said you were looking for a driver.”

“You new in town?”

For one thing, I’d delete the first sentence and start this paragraph with Amber Jean Monroe stood tall for a girl, etc. For another, I’d look for a way to create a story question here. Later in the narrative, in relation to winning the untouchable Amber, the protagonist says “I don’t take no for an answer.” If this challenge were on the first page, it might be enough to create tension.

But there’s no jeopardy with that, no problem with stakes attached that he has to deal with. There is an almost-missed hint of that later when, asked if he uses drugs, the narrative says:

I did know someone who preferred drugs, though, and he was looking for me.

That would be almost enough. To lift it to story-question levels, some kind of stakes need to be involved.

Here’s a thought for John: The narrative moves from this first page to him applying for a delivery job at the drug store. That’s when he’s asked about drugs. Start with the interview in progress after briefly setting the scene. You could have Amber enter and the person interviewing him, seeing John’s interest in her, could let him know she was the preacher’s daughter and untouchable. This could provoke the not taking a no for an answer. Then the interviewer asks the question about drugs and John makes his statement, and his thoughts could include the danger that would come with the drug person finding him. I’m sure this could be fit on the first page, and then other setup stuff could follow. It would be worth a try.

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2023 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2023 by John Maffia.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flogometer 1174 for Sheila —will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Sheila sends the first pages of Nina Back in Time, a middle-grade time travel mystery. The rest of the chapter is after the break. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.

I thought I was a pretty good sleuth (British word for detective), but after my summer at Silver Lake, the camp I didn’t want to go to, I’m sure of it. If you want to hear the whole story, read on. But it's long and involves some flying. If that makes you airsick, fasten your seatbelt. I’ll start at the beginning, so you don’t have to buckle up yet.

Back in March, I didn’t want to go to camp. I didn’t want to meet new people. “You can’t just sit around all summer reading,” Mom had said. SO annoying. She found a camp “in the middle of history,” her words, in the middle of nowhere, my words. It turned out okay, because I met Elkie, who became a better friend to me than Stacey, my oldest friend, who came with me to camp because our moms still think we are best friends.

Oh, I should warn you, Elkie’s got all kinds of super powers. I didn’t know what that meant at first, so I’m telling you for your own good. If you don’t like super powers, stop reading. But if you like surprises, read on. I’m not really giving anything away. Just warning you, like a hot sauce label does.

The big day arrived. After a hundred good-byes to Dad, my brother Benjie, my sister Bree, and most sadly, my bed, Mom drove me to the bus. “Bye, Mom.” I don’t like mushy good-byes. Mom pulled me into a big hug. Ugh. But I meant it when I said, “I’ll miss you, Mom.”

“Remember, Camp North Star Lake is in Seneca Falls, home of the early women’s rights…”

“I know, Mom. You’ve told me like 1,000 times.” She can’t help it, she’s a history professor.

I like the writing and the voice, especially the touches of humor. But . . .

While this opening page aims to tease me into a page turn with hints about super powers and more, it is basically all setup. There’s no actual story here and, thus, no story questions. This character doesn’t have a mystery to solve. We don’t, at this point, even know his/her name nor his/her gender (or should I say “their” gender?). The character has no troubling problem to deal with, nothing is threatening their peaceful middle-grade existence.

I read on, looking for something to make me wonder what happens next (not finding it) and was even more engaged by the writing . . . but there was still no story. Hints of one, perhaps a haunting, but nothing really happens to the character other than meeting people and talking about things. I suggest you look deeper into your manuscript for something happening that matters, that the character has to deal with or suffer consequences. Or, at the least, what most mysteries start with, a body. It may be that the teases will draw in your intended audience, but why not make it stronger? You’ve got the writing chops, put them to work with dramatic happenings.

Your thoughts?

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2023 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2023 by Sheila.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flogometer 1173 for Chris —will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Chris sends the first pages of Little Mountain, Big Trouble. The rest of the chapter is after the break. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.

I don’t know if there’s an official definition of “bad start to seventh grade,” but getting beat up for the third time in the first six weeks works for me. It started that morning when I walked into science class. As I headed down the aisle to my seat, Tommy Soukup blocked my path. When I tried to slide past, he hip-checked me into a desk. One of the ways he messes with smaller kids. That or stuff someone into a locker for laughs.

Soukup’s way bigger than me and the best athlete in school. His jock friends think he’s a god. But he’s not perfect. He’s an ugly zitface who’s dumb as a rock. He usually has armpit stains on his shirt and smells like BO. As I caught my balance, he folded his arms and smirked.

“Whatsa matter, Melonhead, too fat to fit in the aisle?” His smirk grew into a lop-sided grin, revealing his crooked yellow teeth.

My legs wanted to jet me out of the room, but something snapped in my brain. Maybe I was fed up with his crap. Maybe I had nothing to lose. Soukup was five inches taller and thirty pounds heavier. If he beat me up and I spent a week in the hospital, I’d at least get a vacation from school. I glared at him and said what I’d dreamed up weeks ago but never dared say to his face: “If your brain was dynamite, Suckup, there wouldn’t be enough to blow your hat off your head.”

The other kids in the room let out a collective gasp. Two girls giggled.

Good writing and voice. This reminded me of a similar thing that happened to me in junior high—I was the little kid, and there was a big bully. I handled it differently though, and the bully ended up a friend.

That’s neither here nor there, though. This opening satisfies the checklist in many ways, including something going wrong for the protagonist and an expectation of more trouble ahead, and those things raise good story questions. I will say, however, that this short chapter ends pretty much tension free, with no story questions popping up. Your thoughts?

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2023 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 202c by Chris.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flogometer 1174 for Roberta —will you be moved to turn the page?

Flogometer 1174 for Roberta —will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Roberta sends the first pages of The Counterfeiter. The rest of the chapter is after the break. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.

Amsterdam 1944 – 1945, The Hongerwinter

Once there had been beds of tulips, purple, red and yellow flowers in Vondelpark bowing on sturdy stems in the breeze. Now the pockmarked soil was bare with shallow holes where someone had dug up the bulbs, and taken them home, and dropped them in the soup kettle.

Lotte unwrapped the sandwich Bento had made for her and not having the heart to lift a corner of the bread to inspect the contents. She took a bite, anticipating a lot of chewing. Flour was as dear as gold dust. The bread was half sawdust. Between her teeth, like tooth powder, was the grit of it. She stifled a gag remembering the article in the newspaper about how the zoo creatures had been butchered, their flesh distributed to the poor. Lotte forced herself to swallow, refusing to complete her speculation. Since the Germans had occupied Holland five years ago, she’d grown accustomed to ersatz bread and coffee. Meat, really more gristle, than meat, was more difficult to ignore.

She chided herself for her squeamishness. Food should be the last thing on her mind. She had much more important things to worry about.

There was the crunch of gravel on the footpath. A man appeared and sat down on the bench opposite her, a metal lunch box tucked under his arm. An office worker? A school teacher? A store clerk? The important thing was he wasn’t German. He was far too skinny to be (snip)

There’s a little copyediting needed here, but that’s not a dealbreaker if the story is strong enough. This page introduces us to a world that most of us don’t know, and that’s appealing. The writing is sound, and the voice is good. We’re introduced to a sympathetic character and the setting is clear. So what are we missing?

The tension of a strong story question, the story tension of something gone wrong or clearly about to go wrong. That tension appears in this chapter, but not until the end. Until then, it’s exposition and establishment of the world and character. The tension comes from this stranger seeing the yellow star in her bag and her fear that he could report her and her husband. If there’s a way to get that on the first page, and I think there is, then this would earn a yes from me rather than an almost. It would be even stronger if the stranger appears to be a German/Nazi. Your thoughts?

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2022 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2022 by Roberta.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flogometer 1173 for Cyndi —will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Today it’s prologue versus chapter as Cyndi sends the first pages of her prologue and first chapter. Which, if either, has a compelling first page? This is from Fatal Errors. The rest of the submission is after the break. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.

Prologue

My name is Fatál, emphasis on the second syllable, please. And skip the jokes, I’ve heard them all. Grandma Zigana, bless her heart, thought she was doing me a favor, warding off whatever evil spirits that killed my mother when I was born. Try telling that to a seven-year-old, taunted every day with “Fay-tahl, Fay-tahl, touch her and you’re dead.”

I found out years later that Zigana had cornered the ring-leader of my tormenters one evening after I came home in tears, knees skinned and jacket torn from being worked over on the playground. She’d spun a yarn about wizards like in the Harry Potter books everyone was reading, threw in a dash of her garbled Catholicism and karma, and left him quaking in his high-priced Nikes. Zigana’s always been very good at leaving things unsaid, letting the imagination take over. She knows a person’s own fears are much worse than anything she could suggest. That’s the basis for a good curse—fear.

See we’re Romani, what most people would call Gypsy. At least I’m one-quarter Romani. Zigana had the bad luck to fall in love with a gajo, a non-Rom. So did Harmony, my mother, but I didn’t learn that until I was older. Zigana raised me. It was just the two of us. She’s proud of being Roma, but there’s a little shame, too, after growing up on the receiving end of the all-too-human tendency to mistreat what we don’t understand. It’s not so bad now, but from little things Zigana says, it wasn’t always good to be labeled “Gypsy” here in southwest Ohio, or anywhere, (snip)

Chapter

So I’m a hacker—get over it. My boss Patrice sure did, as long as she could use me. But I didn’t realize that until I got fired. That Gypsy sixth-sense Grandma Zigana insists I have failed me miserably.

Patrice had appeared at my cubicle in the Gem City Business College computer center the week after Thanksgiving and offered to buy coffee. Of course I accepted, figuring she wanted another hack. Only after we were seated at Beaner’s did she blindside me.

“You’re firing me?” I echoed.

I clutched my mug of chai, hoping to ward off the chill her announcement caused. My strident question silenced the chatty barista at the counter behind me, and I wanted him and the trio at the next table to stop staring. They did when I glared at them.

Patrice looked everywhere but at me as she fidgeted, adding more sugar to her already syrupy coffee, checking her watch.

“You’re firing me,” I repeated, only a tad calmer.

“It’s been brought to my attention that you’ve been bypassing security protocols to gain access to confidential files.” Patrice could have been reading from the employee handbook. Silence stretched while a scathing response eluded me. My mood dropped to match the gloomy weather. Twice in my twenty-four years, my hacking had backfired, leaving me betrayed (snip)

In my view, prologues seldom grab me unless they are a scene with story tension. This prologue gives us an appealing voice and good writing and lots of backstory and setup. Tension? Not for this reader. If your prologue is the first thing a reader sees, shouldn’t it work as hard to grip a reader and provide tension as the story? My advice is to work on folding necessary information from here into the actual story as things happen. Cyndi can do it, I’m sure.

The first page of chapter 1 does manage to create some tension with something going wrong for the protagonist, and anyone who has ever been fired (I have, twice, for being too good at my job) knows what a blow this is. But it’s not an unmanageable blow if that’s all there is and the consequences are not dire. In this case, that’s the case—the stakes are not shown as being particularly high.

But later in the chapter we learn that if this firing is reported to the character’s parole board, they could be sent back to prison. Now, those are strong stakes. I’d work to get that on the first page. It shouldn’t be hard to do. Your thoughts?

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2022 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2022 by Cyndi.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flogometer 1172 for John —will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

John sends the first chapter of an untitled science fiction story. The rest of the chapter is after the break. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.

Missy, the wife of my bosom, didn't begin life as a Missy. Her parents being folks of a romantic, imaginative nature, she started out as something dubbed Minsterwood; but no one, not even her parents, ever called her by that name. No, it was always Mincie, or Minnie, and she tells me that an old, far too clever boyfriend experimented with Woody and Woods. More than anything, she says, that made her first decide to eventually cast him into the outer darkness.

I laugh at that story whenever she repeats it, and remind her that life has blessed her, ever and finally, with only one old boyfriend: Guy Landis. That is to say, me.

On a Friday evening in our stateroom aboard the former asteroid now known as the ISS Tascheter, we have resumed this familiar, playful conversation. Granted, you can often find us in a familiar, playful conversation of some kind. But because the crew has lifted the booze-ration lid for the next several hours, Missy and I have just poured the first of our Lower Manhattans -- a tipple of our own devising, with bourbon and Campari at its heart -- and the evening's playfulness has just begun. Several old pals from past revels about the ship are scheduled to arrive within the next hour or two, and we look forward to much more laughter, and much bending of elbows and ears.

(Such, anyway, is our fantasy of the moment. But when you're in our line of work -- poking our noses into places where they're not wanted -- who knows what adventures might lie ahead?)

On the positive side, the voice is clear and likeable, and the writing is as well. You can have confidence in this writer . . . to a point. The point where confidence wanes is when we finish the first page with nary a story question raised, no sense of tension, no reason to wonder what will happen next. We have a nicely done introduction to the protagonist and can anticipate that a party will be happening, but that’s about it. As readers, we may suspect that this tranquil moment, or the party, will be shattered by events to come, but they’re not here in time. The only thing I found of real interest is that they are on a "former" asteroid. But that's hardly story. In my view, this whole chapter is nothing more than setup. The real story starts later. Show us that page, John. Your thoughts?

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2022 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2022 by John.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flogometer 1171 for Sharon —will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Sharon sends the first chapter of BJ’s Story. The rest of the chapter is after the break. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.

Virgil awoke late at night to find his wife gone. He kicked off the sweaty bed sheet, box springs squeaked when he sat up. A steady breeze, weighed down with humidity, carried the vanillalike fragrance of Joe Pye weed and the faint sound of laughter through an open window.

He stood behind fluttering white sheers and watched Marie trot across the back yard, her long black curls bouncing with each footfall. The opaque security light above the barn doors cast an eerie pallor on the limbs of an elm tree draped with Spanish moss. He noticed her belly, in the narrow space between her shirt and shorts, seemed rounder than normal. He lazily scratched his ass, wondered what the hell she’s doing.

A man stepped out of the shadows, and drew her into an embrace. They kissed for a moment, then entered the barn.

Marie came back out. She turned her head from side to side, looked up. Virgil leaned back without thinking.

The man clasped her hand. “C’mere, baby.” He brought a shiny metal flask to his lips and took a long swig.

She giggled again. “Gimme some.”

“Sh! Not yet.” He pulled her into the barn, loosely swung one door shut, the other already latched at the top.

This opening page is strong with story questions, plenty to make me wonder what will happen next. The scene is well set, so we know the context of the action.

There are little issues with tense here and there, and the staging left out the man coming back out of the barn—that really should be there. There’s a little head-hopping in the chapter that follows, but the story moves well and keeps its tension. The little glitches are easily fixed with an edit, so it works for me. Your thoughts?

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2022 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2022 by Sharon.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flogometer 1169 for Jill —will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Alice had sent the first chapter of Get Up Eight, but then she emailed me because a nighttime inspiration led her to a rewrite. She told me to select the best one. I’d rather you did the work, so what follows are the two opening pages and then a poll.

The rest of the chapter from version 1 is after the break. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.

Version 1

Strange time to remember this, on the slippery edge of a deadly cliff, but suddenly I’m back on my first day at the Crystal Creek School of Benevolent Leadership.

All sixteen of us are hefting our backpacks into the Boys Dorm to choose a bunk partner and settle in. I enter last, trying not to draw attention, but it makes no difference. The chatter dies and the faces turn my way.

It’s pretty clear everyone knows who I am or, more to the point, who my dad is. But right now the air is more uncertain than negative. I sense they’re waiting for me to say 'Yeah, my dad's an asshole' so they can all smile and welcome me into their circle.

But I don't. Because he's not.

The silence turns ominous. Benevolence is a distant concept.

Back at my high school, I was a relatively proficient class clown but humor can’t help me here. It couldn’t even help me there at the end.

Then a thin but muscular guy unloading his pack to my right turns around, reads the room in a second and smiles: “Rhino Rodgers, dude, if you’re not too famous to hang out with a nobody, we could share a bunk.” And that’s as good an explanation as any for why, nine months later, I’m about to risk my life to save Tracker.

Because right now Tracker is wobbling. We’re lined up along a ledge with six (snip)

Version 2

Blame it on our fathers.

Sesh and I were doomed to tension and heartbreak before we ever met. Her father, the amazing, beloved political comedian Andy Sessions, was brutally murdered last year. My father, defense attorney Daniel Rodgers, set the murderer free.

Or blame it on a cosmic sadist that we ended up here together at the Crystal Creek School of Benevolent Leadership. Specifically, out here right now next to each other on this slippery ledge in one-legged tree pose, soaked with spray from Upper Crystal Falls.

Eight of us students share the ledge but fittingly, I’m right between the girl who hates me and the guy who loves me. The guy is Tracker, who saved my life when we first entered the Boys Dorm on opening day. I was trying not to draw attention but the chatter died and the faces turned my way, more uncertain than negative at first. They wanted me to say 'Yeah, my dad's an asshole' so they could smile and welcome me into their circle.

But I didn't. Because he's not. The silence turned ominous.

Then a thin but muscular guy unloading his pack to my right turned around, read the room in a second and smiled: “Rhino Rodgers, dude, if you’re not too famous to hang out with a nobody, we could share a bunk.” Which is as good an explanation as any for why, nine months later, I’m about to risk my life to save Tracker.

Jill sent a second opening because she was concerned that, right off the bat, her narrative went to backstory, a flashback, and the checklist says not to do that. Well, in writing fiction, there are no rules—the checklist is a list of tools that can work for you, but not a list of rules. I’ve read opening pages that “violated” more than half of the checklist that were quite successful.

So, for Jill’s openings, I like the original one, number 1, and would give it a page turn. The flashback works because it has tension in it, it raises story questions, and it does a good job of setting the scene of the story and introducing two sympathetic characters. And, before the page ends, we’re back in the scene with jeopardy threatening. Well done.

As for opening 2, I think it tries for too much by cramming in a third character. Let the scene in opening 1 play out and then get to the girl, the murder, and whatever else awaits after that. I think Jill shows plenty of talent and that plus her willingness to rethink her narrative speaks well of her future. This sounds like a fun story. Your thoughts?

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2022 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2022 by Alice.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flogometer 1168 for Alice —will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Alice sends Blizzard, the first chapter of Palo Duro Mustangs. The rest of the chapter is after the break. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.

A dark blur faded in and out of a scattering of bare-branched cottonwoods along a dry snow-filled stream bed. Two Feathers squinted through the wind-swirled sea of white that burned his cheeks and stung his eyes, but the dark shape was gone. Was it his missing bull? No, he was almost sure he had seen the upright shape of a man. Yellow Hawk? Pinpricks raced down his back. A flutter settled in his empty stomach. How much longer would his uncle stalk him and Will?

Forcing thoughts of his uncle aside, Two Feathers pushed on. He had looked all day, but found no sign of the bull. He must find him. The idea of telling his brother they had lost another bull was unthinkable. Between the winter snows and Yellow Hawk’s raids, their losses were heavy.

Thoughts of the lost bull slipped away. Hatred for Yellow Hawk, his uncle, took its place. He shivered, but not from the cold. His eyes watered, but not from the wind. Memories filled his head. His own uncle had killed his father many years ago when he was very small. Will’s pa’s death a year ago during a raid by Yellow Hawk’s band left them, two young boys, to run the Pecos River Ranch. What was he supposed to do on a white man’s ranch? He was Comanche. He was supposed to hunt buffalo, not Longhorn bulls.

Will’s words that morning forced their way back into Two Feathers thoughts. “Find Big (snip)

This opening begins to edge toward a strong story question, but then sidesteps into backstory. I say “edge” because, even though we are told that he must find the bull, there are no stakes or consequences for failure. What will happen if he doesn’t find the bull? Is there a dire consequence? Then bring it on here.

There is some lovely language here, but, for me, there were times when it got in the way. Specifically, this:

the wind-swirled sea of white

While there's a lot to like here--the promise of a look inside a Native American's life--there are other issues. Here’s a brief edit:

A dark blur faded in and out of a scattering of bare-branched cottonwoods along a dry snow-filled stream bed. Two Feathers squinted through the wind-swirled sea of white that burned his cheeks and stung his eyes, but the dark shape was gone. Was it his missing bull? No, he was almost sure he had seen the upright shape of a man. Yellow Hawk? Pinpricks raced down his back. A flutter settled in his empty stomach. How much longer would his uncle stalk him and Will? The "sea of white" description is a bit of overwriting. Keep action like this simple. "would his uncle stalk him and Will" suggests that Will is there with him, but he's not.

Forcing thoughts of his uncle aside, Two Feathers pushed on. He had looked all day, but found no sign of the bull. He must find him. The idea of telling his brother they had lost another bull was unthinkable. Between the winter snows and Yellow Hawk’s raids, their losses were heavy. Why is it unthinkable? What are the consequences?

Thoughts of the lost bull slipped away. Hatred for Yellow Hawk, his uncle, took its their place. He shivered, but not from the cold. His eyes watered, but not from the wind. Memories filled his head. His own uncle had killed his father many years ago when he was very small. Will’s pa’s death a year ago during a raid by Yellow Hawk’s band left them, two young boys, to run the Pecos River Ranch. What was he supposed to do on a white man’s ranch? He was Comanche. He was supposed to hunt buffalo, not Longhorn bulls. Second reference to thoughts, an "echo" to avoid. The "slipped away" tells me that we're about to slip away from a story that you want me to be hooked by into a detour into backstory. Not a good idea. The antecedent for the "he" in this sentence is his father, not what you meant. This is a white man's ranch? I thought it was Will's pa's, who I was thinking was an Indian since Two Feathers is one and he's also running the ranch. This bit of backstory is tangled and confusing, and has nothing to do with finding a lost bull. Stick to the story, or start it in a different place.

Will’s words that morning forced their way back into Two Feathers thoughts. “Find Big (snip) More backstory.

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2022 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2022 by Alice.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.