Flogging the Quill

Flogometer 1097 for Max — clarity issues stall the narrative

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Max sends a rewrite of the first chapter for The Vulture. The rest of the narrative is after the break.

The happiest endings make for the worst beginnings. The gleam in Sarah’s and Victoria’s eyes were picture perfect as Theo and his best friend Luke waved goodbye to them. The sisters’ mom put the car in gear, and the glossy blue Mercedes pulled out of their driveway.

“Dude.” Theo bumps fists with Luke. “Let’s do this thing.”

Luke affected a baritone, about as low as he could go. “I’ve waited all year for this trip.”

Neither looked both ways before crossing the street to get in Theo’s freshly fixed junker. Sarah and Victoria brought their dad’s mechanic tools, Theo got a job at the local junkyard for parts, and Luke provided the garage for them to do the repairs. Four best friends, one car.

“Too bad the girls aren’t coming.”

Luke sighed first. “It’s easier this way.”

The corners of Theo’s lips twitched, he refused to frown. “None of us talked about it.”

He meant the cancer, but Luke didn’t talk about that. In fact, his friend still hadn’t verbally acknowledged his health. The doctors were idiots, nosebleeds so often meant cancer or something dire.

“With Sarah at her internship in Oak Bay and V-Victoria dating Ramsay…” Luke looked out the window, unable to finish the sentence.

“When are you going to tell Victoria that you love her?”

The original opening was a dream sequence, frequently not a best practice. This opening avoids the dream issue, but for me there were clarity problems.

For example, the first sentence about endings and beginnings. How can the nature of an ending lead to the nature of a beginning? If this were “The worst beginnings make for the happiest endings.” I would totally understand that. I guess it's a statement of theme, but it's still "telling" and I'd rather start with story.

I also couldn’t parse the statement that: “The doctors were idiots, nosebleeds so often meant cancer or something dire.” I've thought about it, and haven't been able to untangle it.

I also didn’t understand why it being easier that the girls weren’t coming for ride in a car led to thoughts about his friend's cancer.

For me, this narrative feels disjointed in the way it switches direction suddenly and frequently. I think this needs to settle down to a solid scene of something happening that leads to or causes a problem for a character. The first part about the car is setup that doesn’t seem to have anything to do with what happens later, so the story could be gotten to earlier if that goes. Your thoughts?

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2019 by Max.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1095 for Lisa —are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Lisa sends the first chapter for The Forgotten American. The rest of the narrative is after the break.

The sun is making me sweat on this muggy afternoon in Saigon and I’m lying with my face on the ground behind the orphanage. I’m curled up in a ball and wondering why dirt doesn’t smell anything like dust?

“Trẻ bụi đời!” Tuan’s shrill voice screams at me. In Vietnamese, it translates into, “vagrant of the city.” That’s his favorite name for me. I brace myself, but nothing happens, so I make the mistake of opening my eyes, and that’s when his sandaled foot kicks dirt in my face. The eye grit is the least of my worries because now my back is getting pounded with fists.

“You a dirty boy!” yells Phuoc, Tuan’s evil shadow.

Something sharper than a fist hits me on the leg and I yell out. Phuoc is thrashing me with a stick. Tears surface. I can’t help it. He’s hitting my crippled leg and it feels like it’s on fire.

“Your mother was a whore!” Tuan spits on me. “Your father killed my family! I will make you pay!”

Just then Uncle Lu calls my name, “Tin! Where are you, lazy boy?

Tuan gives me a kick in the ribs and Phuoc tosses his stick in the bushes before they run away laughing. It takes me a while to uncurl. Everything hurts. I wipe my face on my now dirty white shirt. I wish they would just leave me alone.

This immerses us in the experiences of an empathetic character—a crippled boy—right from the start. Clearly something is going wrong. While the story question related to the beating is quickly answered (it ends), we are left wondering what will happen to this character. There’s a good “why” story question, too: why is he hated like this? The kids say things, but we don’t really understand yet.

A couple of little things I’d look at: it doesn’t make a lot of sense to me that a kid who is being beaten/knows he’s going to be beaten would be thinking about the smell of dirt. The second is that “his sandaled foot kicks me” is awkward and would work better if it were simply “he kicks me.” I don’t think that he’s wearing sandals matters here. Oh, and dialogue in a foreign language should be italicized. Your thoughts?

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2019 by Lisa.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1095 for Shaun —are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Shaun sends the first chapter for My Last 1000 Days. The rest of the narrative is after the break.

Jack knelt beside the small grave and lowered the blanket-wrapped body. Next to it, he placed two favorite toys—the furry hedgehog and the indestructible red ball used so often for fetch—each in its own plastic bag. Last, he tucked in a metal cookie tin, his makeshift time capsule. It held a USB drive with images, videos and Zak’s life story, double-sealed in two plastic bags and sealed in a mason jar.

He pushed to his feet, wincing when his old knees complained. He leaned his chin on the long-handled spade, willing time to reverse and erase the funereal scene. Jack’s mind drifted. Time lost definition. Clouds obscured the sun. Shadows deepened in the glade.

That morning, Zak struggled to stand and gave up. He’d been fading for months and had nudged fourteen years. Jack carried him outside. The local vet answered his sad summons and drove to the farm on an October Sunday. Lying on a blanket in the warm sun, Zak wagged his tail. Though in discomfort, his eyes remained bright. His handsome Lab face welcomed company.

The vet shaved black fur from a section of Zak’s leg and injected the sleeping potion. His body relaxed as slumber eased any pain. She prepared the second needle. “Are you sure?”

“We have no choice,” he whispered.

The vet pushed the plunger and listened to the dog’s chest with her stethoscope.

The writing and voice are fine, and the scene is set. Something is happening but, IMO, not much, and then we slip into backstory. It’s sad that Jack has lost his dog, but that’s about it. Nothing is really a problem for Jack. And I haven’t a clue what this story is about—I doubt it’s about the dog. I think this story starts later, but I won’t be reading on. Your thoughts?

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2019 by Shaun.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1092 for Kristin—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Kristin sends the first chapter for The Devil Particle, a YA dystopian novel. The rest of the narrative is after the break.

The burnt-out lightbulb makes a satisfying “pop” as I crush it under my sneaker. I’d pick up the broken pieces but it’s noon, the street is empty, and no one’s watching. I hear humming. No time to run, I crouch in the middle of the street and cover my head.

The humming gets louder, buzzes over me, and moves on. It’s a mail-carrying drone and it’s headed for my house.

I sprint the last half block, my pack, filled with seed packets, orphanage paperwork, and a toolkit, bouncing against my sweaty back. I reach our yard and slow down, but the drone is gone. After checking the underside of our mailbox for pipe bombs and trigger wires, I open the box’s rusting door, making the hinges creak.

A thick spider scurries out of the mailbox, runs across my hand, and shimmies down the post where it sits and stares at me. I give it the finger then examine the box for other spiders and see what the drone dropped in the slot — a government envelope with a red-white-and-blue border.

I run my fingers run over the bumps of the official gold-embossed stamp that labels it High Priority. I’m in. I punch the stagnant air with my fist.

Then I notice Mrs. Jensen watching me from behind the bars of her townhouse’s cracked picture window. A drone delivery is rare; I’d be curious, too. I kiss the gold stamp and can’t help . . . (snip)

The writing is professional and the voice promises fun. We open with an immediate scene—something is happening, for sure. The introduction to this world is subtle and effective—for example, mail delivery by drone, checking for bombs under the mailbox, and a spider crawling out of it. Not like any mail situation in my world.

But I have issues with this as an opening page. The lightbulb, for one thing. I wondered if it played a part in the story, so I read ahead. It doesn’t. So why, I have to ask, were two lines of narrative on the vital first page spent on a detail that doesn’t matter. It doesn’t help define the world all that much since a broken light bult could easily happen in the ordinary world.

If you take out the lightbulb part, then the opening could drop you right in on the action. For example:

I’m a half block from home when I hear humming coming up fast behind me. No time to run, I crouch in the middle of the street and cover my head.

A mail-carrying drone buzzes over me, and it’s headed for my house.

Then things go right instead of wrong or challenging. While that’s okay if it leads to a problem, it’s not exactly a tension-producer on a first page. In other words, we’re not given much reason to wonder what happens next.

Unless, that is, you count one of my pet peeves, an information question posed by this sentence: “I’m in..” In what?  If the reader doesn’t know, then this has no meaning. Whatever he/she is in is a reason for celebration but, with no context, the celebration doesn’t mean much either.

One other issue: how does the character know the content/verdict contained in a letter that he/she hasn’t opened? Later, a girl also gets a letter from the same source, but she is not “in.” I don’t know that she received a different kind of envelope, and that doesn’t seem terribly logical.

To me, there's a missed opportunity to create at least a little tension. For example, right after the description that the envelope is marked High Priority, internal monologue could include something such as:

My verdict is here. Am I in and my life takes off, or am I rejected and my life stalls out at seventeen?

Unlike a story question that makes you want to know what happens next, an information question withholds necessary information from the reader. I figure it’s meant as a tease, but I don’t think that works very well. Other than that, everything here is fine, the character is happy, he/she doesn’t have anything to deal with, no problems, no consequences for failure. No story.

There was one other thing: the gender of the character. Because the author is a woman, and because the majority of YA dystopian fiction stars girls, I had assumed that the character was female. Nope, male. When I found out later, I had to revise all that I had imagined and visualized up to that point. This could have been dealt with by losing the first two lines on the page to make room for something to the effect that the envelope is addressed to his name, Paul James Salvage.

The voice and the unique tidbits of the world might be enough to draw a reader on, but my suspicion is that if this was sent cold to a literary agent that they would be wondering where the story is and might well pass. I suggest you read the rest of the chapter for a sample of strong writing and a fresh new world. But, from my point of view, it’s mostly well-done setup. There is a twist regarding “I’m in,” but it doesn’t, in this chapter, cause a problem for the character. Everything stays just fine in his mind. The real story doesn’t start in the first chapter, IMO. However, the quality of what is here tells me that I would love to see that first page. For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2019 by Kirsten.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1091 for Kirsten—are you compelled to turn the page?

Note:I’ll be on the road for the next week, partly to teach a first-page workshop at the Chicago Writer’s Association conference, and then visiting family in Illinois. I’ll post as well as schedule and travel allows.

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Kirsten sends the prologue and first chapter for LaVonda Robinette Takes a Life. The rest of the narrative is after the break.

Prologue

The first two murders weren’t deliberate. Not really. Neglecting to help until it was too late, well you couldn’t call that actual murder could you? The second one, well yes technically that was murder but it was accidental. Almost. She’d been a little bit drunk and upset, and she hadn’t realised what she was doing at the time. She was just fantasizing about killing him; she hadn’t meant to actually kill him. It was just bad luck. Or good luck, depending on how you looked at it.

This time was different. Because this time she was planning it. Cold-heartedly and calculatedly. She was going there armed with determination and deliberate intention, and she was going to stop that awful man from ever hurting anyone again.

Chapter 1

Three things happened on the morning of LaVonda Robinette’s 49th birthday that changed the course of the rest of her life. Although two of those things didn’t seem quite as important at the time, so if you had asked LaVonda what happened on her 49th birthday she would have said: Oh that was the day my husband told me he was leaving me.

To be fair he probably hadn’t meant to pick her actual birthday to leave her; in fact, he’d admitted as much. He’d been planning to break the news on Easter Friday (he’d emphasized the word Friday as if that made all the difference in the world) because if he had told her on Easter Friday, then she would have the whole long weekend to come to terms with the news before she had t

o go back to work. So that was considerate Dave. Thoughtful, almost.

But apparently Jemima, his new girlfriend, (yes the birthday surprises kept coming!) had thrown a bit of a spanner in the works when she booked the two of them a romantic get-away for the upcoming Easter weekend so he’d been forced to move the departure date up, so to speak.

LaVonda couldn’t speak. She simply couldn’t absorb what he was saying. From somewhere across the kitchen, she watched herself holding her coffee mug, standing at the bench opposite her husband of almost 25 years and she screamed silently at herself: He’s leaving you! He’s got another woman! You’re being dumped! Yet she still couldn’t seem to (snip)

The prologue was concise, brief, to the point, and intriguing. While it’s not a scene, which is what I usually recommend for a prologue, this works well because it raises lots of juicy story questions.

But, for me, the chapter's first page doesn’t achieve the same appeal. It’s much in the same style and voice of the prologue (I like the voice), but it’s all telling. While that worked for the prologue, for me this falls far short of immersing me in a character. To do that, IMO, you need a scene. One with action, dialogue, emotion. Put me in that kitchen with LaVonda (set the scene). Have her or her husband say or do something that kicks off the scene with the promise of conflict of some sort. Clearly there’s something going wrong for her here, but it isn’t shown. Show it, and show how she deals with it. The prologue teases a fun story, now it’s up to the narrative to deliver it in story form. Keep at it, Kirsten, this tale sounds promising. For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2019 by Kirsten.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1090 for Judy —are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Judy sends a first chapter—I didn’t get a title. The rest of the narrative is after the break.

Running to catch the subway, my heel got caught in a groove and I would have gone flying head first, had my foot not dislodged itself from its shoe. This was not a great start to my day, but then things hadn’t been going very well for me for a while. I picked up the shoe, and limped in search for the missing heel, which amazingly flew quite a distance. An elderly woman, in very sensible shoes, approached and handed me the offending heel. She looked at me as if to say that’s what you get for wearing such ridiculous shoes. She was right, of course. I have a soft spot for shoes and spend way too much money, which I don’t have, on them. Of course these were my most expensive pair. I had bought them a year ago, right after Cecil broke up our engagement, to assuage my grief and humiliation.

I was late for work as it is, so I decided not to go back home to change shoes, instead I limped onto the coming train. I hate being late for anything, having inherited my Teutonic father’s penchant for punctuality. Also having a job where the staff doesn’t respect me much, I dot my ‘t’s and cross my ‘I’s, and am never late. Coming up from the station at the 92nd Street stop, I dodged the throngs in the crowded street and I ran as best I could holding onto the heel in my hand. I stooped to pick up a discarded paper cup and dump it into a trashcan. I hate filth. Mayor Koch had promised to clean up the city, but so far his success was negligible.

Still clutching the heel in my hand, for a split second I contemplated running across the (snip)

This opening page doesn’t raise a story question for me because it's all setup and characterization. There’s no problem other than a broken shoe. As it turns out, the shoe does not figure in the chapter at all. If it doesn’t influence what happens, why is it here? Yes, it goes to character, but it’s a fairly petty side of her character. And, as I said, the shoe incident does not impact the story at all.

The rest of the chapter is pretty much the same thing—setup and exposition on the character’s workday. But nothing happens that creates a problem that she has to deal with. In the last paragraph a stranger rings the clinic’s doorbell and then the chapter ends. I suspect the start of the story is in the next chapter, so I recommend finding that starting point for your first page.

A couple of editorial notes on this narrative: while I don’t usually tinker with a writer’s voice, I found the phrase “had my foot not dislodged itself from its shoe.” to be clumsy. Such a complicated description of action slows things down. Wouldn’t it be more effective with something simple such as “but my foot slipped out of the shoe.” One other little nitpick: This is in the narrative:

I dot my ‘t’s and cross my ‘I’s

The expression is to dot one’s ‘I’s and cross one’s ‘t’s, not the other way around, seeing as how ‘t’s don’t get dots and ‘I’s don’t get crossed. Did you do that deliberately?

Meanwhile, check out the checklist and look for a point in the narrative where it begins to do those things—especially raise a story question. Your chapter does a fine job of establishing the character's life when undisturbed, but there's too much of it. We need to have things disrupted--you don't have a story until something goes wrong, and breaking  a shoe heel with no consequences is not that.

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2019 by Judy.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1089 for Max —are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Max sends the first chapter of The Vulture. The rest of the narrative is after the break.

Listening to Luke beg for his life hit Theo the same visceral way every time. “Buddy, you gotta help me. He’s eating me. We’re best friends dude, why won’t you listen to me? I’m being eaten alive.”

The same damn dream, sixty-five nights in a row since the end of grade 11. Theo avoided Luke in real life; being near him made the recurring nightmare worse. Having to push his friend away was hard, but necessary. The lesson painfully inflicted itself on Theo after their 1st of July road trip.

They stood in the backyard of Theo’s old red house in the faded blue tree fort. The dream made the room bigger so that the teens would fit in it. A luminescent night sky always shone with a waning crescent moon. His friend stood there, wearing clothes from the last day of grade 11. The same black and white sneakers, the pair of light blue jeans, a rough red hoodie that said “Zombicide” in big black letters. The hood; that absurd and heavy hood. It covered his best friend’s face so much, Theo could barely ever make out any features.

Theo knew the point of a dream was to tell him a story, maybe a lesson about himself. Then why did this recurring dream have such hard-to-remember, inane topics? He watched another version of himself interacting with Luke, speaking pure babble. The one consistent unnerving change: new human-sized bites from Luke’s flesh. Now at the end of the summer, little remained except rags flapping in the wind over emaciated flesh or open bone. Why was the face left alone?

“Theo. Dude, you gotta help me,” Luke said, which was the last problem.

The begging. The never-ending begging.

There's good writing here, so that's not the issue--for this reader, though, the storytelling is, beginning with the dream. ”Don’t open with a dream” is a consistent meme in writerdom. Literary agents caution against it over and over, saying things such as “It has been done so many times by so many writers that it’s almost impossible to avoid the clichés.”

The caution is generally against waking up from a dream. That doesn’t seem to be the case here—Theo is thinking about his nightmare. I don’t think that saves it, though. The problem is that the reader knows that the dream is not the actual story, and the actual story is what a reader is here for.

Other than that, I have at least two issues with this opening. One is clarity. One paragraph ends with a sentence about a lesson painfully inflicted after a July road trip. Fine. I’m all ready to read about that painful lesson. But then the next sentence is not about that at all—it’s a scene from the dream. What happened to the lesson from the road trip we were just told about? Having skimmed ahead, I didn’t notice a reference to this lesson in the narrative that followed—maybe you will.

The second issue is that this opening does not create a story question. There’s no real reason to read on, as far as I can see. This is dream stuff, so there’s no jeopardy to Theo, nothing he has to deal with that is a problem for him. Sure, it’s tough having a recurring nightmare, but what are the consequences? He says he has avoided his friend, but what are the consequences for that? I think the story needs to start with Theo encountering a problem that will affect his life in a meaningful way, and I don’t think dreaming about a friend constitutes such a problem. What do you think?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2019 by Max.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1088 for Roberta —are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Roberta sends the first chapter of The Poor Girl Murders. The rest of the narrative is after the break.

This takes place in 1932.

When I was a little girl I felt safe here in America. Maybe you think I was being a dope considering what had happened to me and Ma in Russia before my sister, Manka, was born but here on the Lower Eastside I knew everyone. Everyone knew me. As a kid, I pretended my building was The Murmansk, the ship that had brought us from Russia and that our tiny apartment where everything from thimbles to needles to combs and hairbrushes had to be tucked away in their own particular place, was the ship’s cabin where Ma had been so seasick during the endless voyage. I could almost see the water in the wash basin on the kitchen table rippling with the ship’s movement when I scrubbed my face in the morning.

As I grew older, I realized the Lower Eastside was not a safe place for little girls. I was nine when a beer truck drawn by four Clydesdales nearly crushed me. When I was ten, I was having a glass of tea with Pa. He leaned over to kiss me goodbye, got up from the kitchen table, put on his coat, and walked downstairs to buy a copy of the Jewish Forward from the newsboy on the corner. That was the last anyone saw of him. Except me. Last year.

Today I learned the Lower Eastside wasn’t a safe place for big girls either.

Good writing and a strong, clear voice tell me this could be worth reading. For my taste, the opening paragraph dwelt more than was necessary with background information. But then it shifts to the perils of growing up there, and then the finish of the second paragraph raises strong story questions. What happened to her father? What happened when she saw him?

And then the last sentence lets us know that there is jeopardy ahead with another strong story question: why isn’t it safe for her? If you read on, I’m interested in your reaction. The good writing continues and the world is very well established, and the chapter ends with murder as a threat—yet, for me, there was more setup exposition that I felt slowed the pace of the story too much. Your thoughts, readers?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2019 by Roberta.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1087 for Aurelia —are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Aurelia sends the prologue and first chapter of Amser. The rest of the narrative is after the break.

Prologue

The darkness showed a promise. Of a fresh dawn. Or of a permanent ending.

The frosty air wrapped around me like a vicious, icy vine, intent on suppressing whatever few breaths, I was managing to inhale. The ground looked absolute white, layered thickly with frost. The air and frost together, caressing my skin slowly, luring away heat from my body. It almost looked as if they would maintain this action until they perhaps stole my pink blush and supplanted it effectively with cold blue. Even rubbing my hands yielded a paltry amount of warmth that accomplished nothing in appeasing the rapacious appetite of the wintry air around me.

Nothing came to my mind. Every spell, every charm was hazy and blurry. I was even incompetent to perform the simple lighting charm that was taught to infants. Beginning to feel like a want-wit due to my present incapacity, I gave up any effort of trying to remember spells and sank my arms slowly on the frigid ground.

I was trapped in here. With not a single way out. I tried searching for anything that would help me get out of here- a door, a window, a crevice - everything but detected nothing. I had no inkling as to how I ever got in here in the first place. All I remembered was that one blow of gentle air and then, complete nothingness.

Sound of steady footsteps pierced the utter silence. The sound ceased but then (snip)

Chapter 1

"The Wheel is turning in our direction."

I massaged my throbbing temples as I glanced at the words inscribed on the cover of her grandmother's journal. The meaning of the words escaped my brain completely. Not knowing, what to make of the statement, I started taking a better look at the complete journal.

Bound in russet leather, cracked and dry with age, the thick, aged book felt much lighter than it looked. An intricate array of designs were etched across the entire cover from front to back. There was no title on it, except the quotation and my grandmother's name - Louella Abornazine, indicating that I was indeed right to assume it as a journal.

Taking great care, I cracked open the tatty journal. A sound like a small sigh came as a result of the action and a warm and musty smell greeted my nostrils. I tried to breath and smell the forgotten words of my grandmother but ended up inhaling the dust also, causing me to sneeze loudly. Achoo!

The old, thin oniony pages of the journal were so delicate that I feared that they might tear up at the slightest jerk. I slowly turned the first blank page and began reading the contents of the journal.

The ink of the words felt fresh and real as if written just yester eve. The words were written in a crisp, clear handwriting and detailed all the mundane tasks that a witch of (snip)

Very nice writing here, especially appropriate for fantasy. I responded to the voice, as well, and liked that the voices in the prologue and the chapter felt like different people.

For me, the opening page of the prologue had the writing and the story question it needed to earn a page-turn. And, after I read the whole prologue, I wanted it to continue with that story. I was disappointed when it ended.

Then came chapter 1. Still good writing and voice. But it turned out to be primarily setup. There were no story questions raised as far I could see. Is the writer counting on the story questions raised by the prologue to keep this page turning as well? I think so, but I was let down. I was in the grip of a story and then I was transported to setup. For me, this chapter needs to start out running with strong story questions. They didn’t come in the first chapter, perhaps they do in the second. Your thoughts, readers?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2019 by Aurelia.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1086 for Shannon —are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Shannon sends the first chapter of Let the Light In. The rest of the chapter after the break.

There was something inherently wrong about dying on one’s birthday. For someone more precise than my mother, it might have been pleasing, satisfying, like a picture frame hanging perfectly straight or Tupperware stacked in towers and rows, each with matching lid. To know that her life was neatly wrapped up in exactly thirty-six years, no extra days waving loose. But my mother hadn’t cared about things like that. If we’d had pictures on the walls of our cramped flat, frames knocked in passing would have stayed crooked for months. If we’d even owned Tupperware—if she had cooked a day in her thirty-six years—its cupboard would have been a bomb site.

And here I’d thought Mum had already experienced the worst birthday, the one a decade earlier. The one when her boyfriend broke up with her instead of proposing, slipped out the door, back to his mansion and his wife. At seven years old I’d watched her collapse, icing and crumbs trailing down the door from where the birthday cake made impact.

No, on a scale of one to dead, this birthday trumped that one.

I wasn’t crying. Shouldn’t I be crying? The last words we’d spoken were the death throes of an argument. Surely that was even more reason to cry, but instead it sucked all moisture from my eyes. My mouth, too. Full of cotton wool, no room for words. But my mother’s final sentences had yet to leave me, still filtered like dye through my water-logged (snip)

Good writing and a clear voice almost started me off in the right direction. The “almost” comes from a clarity issue caused by the first sentence.

There was something inherently wrong about dying on one’s birthday.

You see, I took that sentence as being said by a protagonist who was now dead. Other novels have been narrated by dead people, and this seemed to be that. But it’s not. It is her mother who has died on that day. As the chapter unfolds, it seems as if the mother either committed suicide or was murdered, which is unfortunately not revealed. For me, whichever it is should have been brought up early on. If on the first page, it could have raised story questions.

Speaking of story questions, there isn’t much of one. When you analyze this, it starts off with musing. Then there’s a bit of flashback. The last paragraph does begin to immerse us in the character, and perhaps there is a story question—what was the argument about? But, with nothing there about a suspicious or tragic cause of death, the argument doesn’t seem related to the death, only to their relationship. I think there are strong story elements in this story, but they need to be present on the first page, as much as can be done. Go through the checklist and see how your narrative matches up. Your thoughts, readers?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2019 by Shannon.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.