Flogging the Quill

Storyteller’s Review: Tess Gerritsen’s “The Keepsake”

Every so often I do a “Storyteller’s Review” of a novel, which is a look at a novel from the craft side to see how it deals with the all-important opening page/chapter, and how well it achieves the requirements that I feel are vital for a successful story:
• Tension
• Story questions
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene setting
• Character

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Gerritsen got me from the git-go

As readers of my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells, will learn, there’s a section on why creating tension in your first sentence is such a good idea -- it gets a reader to the second sentence, and you draw your reader into your story sentence by sentence by sentence. Here’s Tess’s opener from The Keepsake:

He is coming for me.

Not only was that the first sentence, it was the first paragraph—a stand-alone jolt of tension. It definitely moved me to the second sentence.

I feel it in my bones.

I had to move on to the third . . .

I sniff it in the air, as recognizable as the scent of hot sand and savory spices and the sweat of a hundred men toiling in the sun.

With this serving of imagery, she has introduced exotic new elements that promised, to me, a place I’d never been before. I wasn’t disappointed. Tess knows how to open a story.

The first chapter created plenty of tension for me, and ended with this irresistible lure:

I turn and face the evil.

How can you not turn the page?

Story questions I can’t illustrate the chapter endings for the rest of the book without being a spoiler, but, for me, Gerritsen showed her talent for crafting story questions—it’s like drawing puzzle pieces from a box one at a time and finding that the new one fits with the old one. When you’ve absorbed that piece, the questions it raises makes you need to find out what the next piece is like, so you reach into the box . . .

Voice Gerritsen has a clear, straightforward, confident voice in her narrative. You always feel that you’re in the hands of a pro, and you can trust her to tell you a good story. On the craft side, there’s a nice use of another aspect of voice—that of the characters. The first chapter, as you’ve seen, is first person, and the clear voice of a character. There’s only one other first-person chapter—the last one. They bookend the story, successfully, in my view. After the first chapter, we slip into third person narrative from various points of view, and Tess does a good job of flavoring each character’s appearance, with each personality reflected in the individual narratives.

Clarity I don’t recall a moment where what was happening was not absolutely clear. No, this is a pro that knows how to get the story onto the page with no unsteadiness that takes you out of the flow. Enough said.

Scene setting The scenes were clearly set—but only whenever they needed to be—in a nicely minimalist, experiential way. She gives you enough to let you see the context of what’s happening, and frequent flavorings of a character’s point of view “personalize” the description to the experience of the character. I didn’t find gobs of description that I was tempted to skip.

Character The story revolves around Gerritsen’s two primary continuing characters, Detective Jane Rizzoli and medical examiner Dr. Maura Isles. I liked these characters, primarily because we see aspects of their persons and lives aside from hound-like trailing of the mystery’s scent, yet it’s done without slowing pace or interest. She gives us insights into the other players, too, enough to make them human beings, and yet not so much as to turn the story expressway into a meander down a country lane.

The story Oh, I suppose you want to know more about the story. It starts with a mummy, but not your everyday ancient Egyptian mummy—but that discovery opens a door to one fascinating aspect of the book, a window into the world of archaeology and a particularly sordid part of its underbelly. Rather than reinvent, I’ll just quote here from the book jacket flap copy (something we all need to know how to write anyway).

For untold years, the perfectly preserved mummy had lain forgotten in the dusty basement of Boston’s Crispin Museum. Now its sudden rediscovery by museum staff is both a major coup and an attention-grabbing mystery. Dubbed “Madam X,” the mummy—to all appearances an ancient Egyptian artifact—seems a ghoulish godsend for the financially struggling institution. But medical examiner Maura Isles soon discovers a macabre message hidden within the corpse—horrifying proof that the “centuries-old” relic is instead a modern-day murder victim.

To Maura and Boston homicide detective Jane Rizzoli, the forensic evidence is unmistakable, its implications terrifying. And when the grisly remains of yet another woman are found in the hidden recesses of the museum, it becomes chillingly clear that a maniac is at large—and is now taunting them.

Archaeologist Josephine Pulcillo’s blood runs cold when the killer’s cryptic missives are discovered, and her darkest dread becomes real when the carefully preserved corpse of yet a third victim is left in her car like a gruesome offering—or perhaps a ghastly promise of what’s to come.

The twisted killer’s familiarity with post-mortem rituals suggests to Maura and Jane that he may have scientific expertise in common with Josephine. But only Josephine knows that her stalker shares a knowledge even more personally terrifying: details of a dark secret she had thought forever buried.

Now Maura must summon her own dusty knowledge of ancient death traditions to unravel a murderer’s twisted endgame. And when Josephine vanishes, Maura and Jane have precious little time to detail the Archaeology Killer before he adds another chilling artifact to his monstrous collection.

In short, I recommend The Keepsake to you as both a fun read and a novel-length example of professional craft.

For what it’s worth.

Comments, anyone?

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

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© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Book review: “The Monk’s Son”

From time to time, publishers send me books to review. When they ask first, which I prefer, I always tell them that the review will be from a storytelling and writing craft point of view, although if I like a novel I'm glad to say so.

The most recent novel I received is The Monk's Son, by W. R. Wilkerson III. The cover is beautiful, the premise -- an infant being raised in a monastery around the start of World War II -- is interesting. However, even though I've had the book for a few weeks now, I don't think I'll ever finish it. I've made myself read the first 30 pages, which is the first 3 chapters, and there is nothing to compel me forward.

Yet a blurb from the back of the book by Kirkus Reviews says things such as "the provocative descriptions anchor the tale firmly" (so far, they're turgid and overwritten) "serene prose, charged action" (in 30 pages, no action to amount to anything) "entertaining and emotionally raw" (but not in the first 3 chapters).

Update I was incorrect in citing Kirkus Reviews above. Actually, the review was from Kirkus Discoveries, a paid-review service from Kirkus Reviews. For $350, they provide "an honest, caveat-emptor evaluation, under the same impartial rubric as Kirkus Reviews." They will review self-published books, which are not accepted by Kirkus Reviews.

Is it appropriate to review a book that you haven't completely read? Well, FtQ focuses on storytelling, and my point of view is that it is an author's job to compel me to read more, to give me no excuse for putting the book down. If, in my naturally subjective view, a novel fails to do that, I figure it's fair to report on the experience.

A cautionary tale for self-publishers This review is also a caution for anyone considering self-publishing a novel, and that includes me. More on this later.

The Flogometer Test You're familiar with the Flogometer challenge: can your manuscript's first 16 lines make me turn the page? Let's give The Monk's Son the test. As it turns out, the typeset first page is pretty much the equivalent of the first 16 lines (calculated by word count) of a manuscript, plus a few. Here 'tis:

Before dawn, before the kitchen staff rose, Brother Dominic was awake. He clambered out of bed and shuffled over the cold stone floor to a plain wooden cabinet. Taking a white porcelain pitcher from a bowl on top of the cabinet, he carefully poured water into the bowl. Drowsily he splashed cold water onto his face. It was not meant to be warm but merely part of his ritual of rousing himself first thing in the morning.

Dominic toweled his face dry and brushed his teeth. Then he replaced the pitcher on top of the cabinet. The water he would dispose of later.

He opened a drawer in another part of the cabinet and extracted a clean robe. Slowly and meticulously he dressed, putting on his underwear, then his socks, and finally the brown habit that had been like a second skin for virtually most of his adult life. It was belted by a white rope studded with knots -- twelve in all -- signifying the Stations of the Cross. He lowered himself onto the pine kneeler at the foot of his bed and softly mumbled his prayers. Eyes closed in reverence, Dominic slid his rosary through practiced fingers. After more than two decades of repetition, the prayers had become more of a drone than a recitation. He made the sign of the cross neatly across his chest, then scooped up the wicker basket from the floor next to his bed and left the room.

Where do I begin? The action presented here raised no story questions whatsoever. It created no tension. Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?

Signs of writing craft problems abounded:

• the use of adverbs to tell what's happening instead of showing -- he carefully poured water; he drowsily splashed; he slowly and meticulously dressed; he softly mumbled (by definition, a mumble is soft); he neatly made the sign of the cross.
• overwriting: did we have to go through putting on his underwear, and then his socks? Why a "rope studded with knots -- twelve in all -- signifying the Stations of the Cross" instead of "rope studded with twelve knots signifying the Stations of the Cross?" Why scoop up a basket "from the floor next to his bed?" Of course there was a floor next to his bed. Hopefully, under it as well.

Because I felt obligated -- after all, someone gave me this book, I read on anyway. The adverbing continued (he padded quietly down a corridor: "padding" is by its nature quiet).

There was telling rather than showing: the abbot is "clearly taken aback" at a statement. But I never saw it.

Clichés: "the silence grew more deafening."

There were problems with continuity: at one point the monk carefully lifted the sleeping baby, who was wrapped in a blanket. In the next sentence, the baby holds out his arms to the monk. As the dear departed Miss Snark would say, WTF?

At one point, the abbot scratches "the top of his bald head." Later, he rearranges "the few thin strands of hair left on his head." Is he bald, or is he not?

And there was point-of-view head-hopping, and there was . . .

Wondering why there were so many craft and storytelling flaws, many more than I'm accustomed to seeing in published novels, I researched the publisher, Ciro's Books. Turns out it's a company formed by the author, Mr. Wilkerson. He has published 2 other books, both non-fiction.

And thus the cautionary part of this post, especially for me. You see, I'm seriously thinking about self-publishing my first novel. It just doesn't seem to fit a genre or category well enough for an agent to want to take it on. Will I be publishing a narrative filled with similar flaws? Will you?

Well, my manuscript has gone through at least a dozen beta readers, good ones, and through a critique group. In addition, even though I do editing, I'm paying a copyeditor to review the manuscript. Mr. Wilkerson could have used a good copyeditor to have at least avoided the continuity glitches I kept encountering.

As for The Monk's Son, I don't think I'm going to be able to finish it. For two full pages after the opening, probably a good 750 words, we follow the good monk as he leaves the abbey to search the meadows and woods for herbs. Finally he hears a baby cry near a creek, and there's a story question raised.

Then there's a little conflict when the monk's boss, the abbot, is enraged by the intrusion of the infant (not very Christian of him, in my view). But that's quickly resolved, and we launch into pages of learning to care for a baby. Finally, after 30 or so pages, German bombers fly overhead and attack a nearby city. But by then I was so disengaged by the adverbs and telling and staging and other craft problems that I simply have no urge to carry on.

I have great sympathy for Mr. Wilkerson. His writing is sound enough, and there was an occasional descriptive passage that was quite nice. I know how much he put into writing his novel -- I've done it five times so far. He may never read this "review," but I'll urge him to find both a good developmental editor (like me) and a strong copyeditor to go through his next work before he publishes it. The same advice goes for you if you're considering self-publishing.

And I'm going to look at mine a lot harder before doing anything more with it.

For what it's worth,

Ray

Public floggings available. If I can post it here, send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.

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© 2007 Ray Rhamey

Flogging a newly published book

I get requests from publicists now and then (via email) to review new books. Usually I just decline because I don't review books. But I told the most recent one that what I would do was look at the novel's opening for effective storytelling, just the way I do writer's samples. Summer Smith, an account executive at Carol Fass Publicity & Public Relations, was confident in her writer's work, and sent the book. So here's a look at the opening.

Journey Back

By Dan Martin

One day it dawned on me that I had to leave and I had to do it quickly because they knew where I was and how to find me. I don't know how I knew, but it didn't matter.

So I packed my bags, and I turned off all the lights, and I left. I crossed over the George Washington Bridge and drove west, stopping only to use the bathroom, to get gas and coffee, and once a day to eat. I reached San Francisco in less than forty-eight hours. Got there at daybreak, just as the sun rose pale orange over the Bay. And once I got out there I started over. Right from scratch. Even changed my name, thought I didn't change it much, from Rich to Mitch, from Jones to James. I was determined to do things right this time, though I wasn't sure exactly how.

For a start I bought a dark blue double-breasted suit, the first one I'd owned since high school. Next I had a nice résumé done up, on fancy off-white paper, with an elegant type style. None of it was true, but so far from home who would know. I decided I'd been an English teacher at a prestigious little prep school in Vermont. Parsons was what I called it. There may even be a school by that name somewhere. I don't know.

I actually think I would've made a fine English teacher. I know the kids would've loved me, because in my class there'd be no rules, no tests, no specific assignments. Anyone who wanted to could suggest books to read and topics to discuss, and most of our time in class would be spent writing short spontaneous pieces that could be expanded on later if they seemed promising.

Besides teaching, my résumé said I'd also owned a bookstore and done desktop publishing, whatever that is. And my educational background was equally impressive, magna cum laude from Dartmouth, with a double major in European History and English Literature.

For me, the first sentence was a grabber. Raised all kinds of story questions: why did he have to leave? Who were "they?" The next paragraphs kept drawing me forward with hints of a very different character. Someone with little or no attachment to his life in New York, otherwise he couldn't so easily and simply pick up and leave.

The writing is clean and no errors showed up there. There were a couple of storytelling things I'd point out to the author, though. See below.

One day it dawned on me that I had to leave and I had to do it quickly because they knew where I was and how to find me. I don't know how I knew, but it didn't matter.

So I packed my bags, and I turned off all the lights, and I left. I crossed over the George Washington Bridge and drove west, stopping only to use the bathroom, to get gas and coffee, and once a day to eat. (While this suggests that he's leaving New York City, I think many readers unfamiliar with the city would need more of a clue, and it wouldn't have been difficult to add one.) I reached San Francisco in less than forty-eight hours. Got there at daybreak, just as the sun rose pale orange over the Bay. (while this paints a pretty picture in a reader's mind, in actuality the sun would be rising from the east, behind him as he arrives. The sun doesn't really rise over the bay in the way this caused me to see it, not unless you're standing on the ocean shore and looking back) And once I got out there I started over. Right from scratch. Even changed my name, thought I didn't change it much, from Rich to Mitch, from Jones to James. I was determined to do things right this time, though I wasn't sure exactly how.

For a start I bought a dark blue double-breasted suit, the first one I'd owned since high school. (there's a vagueness to this: was it the first suit he'd owned since high school, or the first double-breasted suit?) Next I had a nice résumé done up, on fancy off-white paper, with an elegant type style. None of it was true, but so far from home who would know. (the preceding sentence is "telling," and the following narrative shows this quite well -- I would suggest deleting it)   I decided I'd been an English teacher at a prestigious little prep school in Vermont. Parsons was what I called it. There may even be a school by that name somewhere. I don't know. (I'd cut "I don't know." Too. The preceding sentence makes it clear that he doesn't, so this is redundant.)

I actually think I would've made a fine English teacher. I know the kids would've loved me, because in my class there'd be no rules, no tests, no specific assignments. Anyone who wanted to could suggest books to read and topics to discuss, and most of our time in class would be spent writing short spontaneous pieces that could be expanded on later if they seemed promising. (Interesting characterization, as it suggests he knows little about today's kids, especially the older one, for whom books are not popular things to be engaged with, and for whom writing would be a chore, not a beloved activity, if you're to believe the research.)

Besides teaching, my résumé said I'd also owned a bookstore and done desktop publishing, whatever that is. And my educational background was equally impressive, magna cum laude from Dartmouth, with a double major in European History and English Literature.

That last paragraph, in particular, portrays a character with great self-confidence -- and potentially someone headed for a great fall because of over-confidence -- someone could call him on these fancy credentials at any point. This creates a certain tension (and expectation) in this reader -- when/how is that going to happen?

This sample got me well into page two of the book and kept raising story questions. There's no direct conflict (yet), but certainly some is implied with the mysterious "they." The character has a very clear goal established -- creating a new life to escape an unnamed threat -- that the author can frustrate and complicate.

If there's anything that was a drag on this for me it was the lack of a scene. It's all telling, all summary and, for me (remember the subjective nature of reading), less involving and less evocative of character.

Still, I kept reading for a while, and that's what the author wants. I can tell you that the next ten pages collapsed six months and a relationship with a woman into mostly telling and summary, with interesting snippets of scenes here and there. I feel he could have lingered more. The effect was to keep me distant from the character because I wasn't experiencing what was happening, I was being told about it. In essence, there came a time when I was able to easily put it down, something the author doesn't want. But that's just me.

Your thoughts?

For what it's worth.

Ray

Free edit in exchange for posting permission. You send a sample that you have questions about and of which you'd like an edit. I won't post it without your permission. Please attach samples as documents to your email.

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© 2006 Ray Rhamey