Flogometer 1181 for Leslie—will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

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Leslie sent the first page of The Giving. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.

The huge bear sprang at her neck, jaws gaping, fury in his eyes. Growling, Sirona rolled to the side, Noden’s sharp fangs grazing her neck. Fortunately, while in her wolf form, the thick fur on her neck prevented the bear’s teeth from piercing her skin. She rose quickly, assessed the danger her son posed. Though Nodens was three times her size, he was still relatively young, and clumsy. Sirona’s senses sharpened, as her wolf instincts took over. Noden’s rage radiated from his body, but it was chaotic, uncontrolled. She could use this to her advantage. She howled, nipped at his thigh. Noden’s rage tinged with fear. Good. Fear makes a poor companion to rational thought. He may be the God of the Hunt, but she was the Supreme Goddess, the one who bore not only him, but all the other gods and godesses, and who guided him in all things wild. She was still his mother, no matter how much he overshadowed her in the mortal plane.

Her violet eyes studied him, ready for the next attack. The air hung thick and heavy with heat and humidity. She saw Nodens through a cloud of red dust stirred by their fight. He rolled his head back and forth, let out a roar of frustration. Standing upright, he pawed the air, fell once more to all fours, and leapt again, his powerful jaws closing in on her. His fetid breath filled the air.

Sirona wrenched herself out of the trance with a gasp. Trembling, she, turned her attention away from the disastrous future she saw in the divination pool and refocused her (snip)

Good writing and voice, and a scene with strong conflict. But is it a scene? Turned out that it wasn’t. Instead, some sort of vision from the divination pool. In a way, this is like opening with a dream, often a no-no. I was so into the fight that I almost missed the transition to another place and time and the character being in a trance.

While the fight does indeed open with good tension, the sudden break away didn’t work for me. You kept the divination pool secret, and I understand why, but I think it’s a cheat for the reader.

For me, it would actually be stronger to set the scene a little and let us know what’s going on. Here’s an example, lifting some from your later narrative:

Granite cliffs surrounded Sirona like a cocoon. Rising hundreds of feet in the air, their lavender and gray rock faces provided a sense of safety and calm, allowing her to focus all her attention on the divining pool, a basin filled with dark waters. The ripples in the water stilled. Her trance deepened and she saw . . .

The bear sprang at her neck, jaws gaping, fury in his eyes. Etc.

For me, the divining pool is very interesting, and it quickly gets to the vision with all the action that creates tension. Ground your reader, help them into your world, and then let the magic happen.

Some editorial notes:

The huge bear sprang at her neck, jaws gaping, fury in his eyes. Growling, Sirona rolled to the side, Noden’s sharp fangs grazing her neck. Fortunately, wWhile in her wolf form, the thick fur on her neck prevented the bear’s teeth from piercing her skin. She rose quickly, assessed the danger her son posed. Though Nodens was three times her size, he was still relatively young, and clumsy. </p>

<p>Sirona’s senses sharpened, as her wolf instincts took over. Noden’s rage radiated from him his body, but it was chaotic, uncontrolled. She could use this to her advantage. She howled, nipped at his thigh. Noden’s rage tinged with fear. Good. Fear makes a poor companion to rational thought. He may be the God of the Hunt, but she was the Supreme Goddess, the one who bore not only him, but all the other gods and godessesgoddesses, and who guided him in all things wild. She was still his mother, no matter how much he overshadowed her in the mortal plane.

Her violet eyes She studied him, ready for the next attack. The air hung thick and heavy with heat and humidity. She saw Nodens through a cloud of red dust stirred by their fight. He rolled his head back and forth, let out a roar of frustration. Standing upright, he pawed the air, fell once more to all fours, and leapt again, his powerful jaws closing in on her. His fetid breath filled the air.

Sirona wrenched herself out of the trance with a gasp. Trembling, she, turned her attention away from the disastrous future she saw in the divination pool and refocused her (snip) You don't need to tell us the bear is huge, the reader will fill in with the image. Fangs are automatically sharp. Instead of "rose quickly," a weak adverbial description, show us, eg. She sprang to her feet . . . Using "her violet eyes" is a break in point of view. She would never think of her eye color in this situation, this is the author stepping to describe something. Use an organic way to bring it in, maybe via the reflection in the pool. Big blocks of text are off-putting, look for paragraph breaks to give the words some air.

Your thoughts?

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2023 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2023 by Leslie.

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My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.