Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist (PDF here)
- It begins to engage the reader with the character
- Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
- The character desires something.
- The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.
The Mubei Desert was one of the deadliest in China. From the edge of a cliff, five Japanese soldiers watched the sun’s blinding rays reflect off the endless desert plain. They descended in single file, with Sergeant Takahashi at the front and a pale-faced conscript named Souichi bringing up the rear. The sergeant was a beefy man with broad shoulders and burns covering his face. And though the desert had claimed many lives, it was he whom the other men feared.
When they reached the bottom, Takahashi took the supply pack from a tall man named Daisuke and handed it to Souichi. “Get a good look at each of those weapons. The men of Dragon’s Peak have earned a lesson on Japanese discipline.”
Souichi looked ahead, brushing the sand from his uniform. “Or they’ll kill us when we get there and bury us with the others. That seems likely.”
“The moment anyone in that town tries something, I’ll make sure they regret it,” Takahashi said, his eyes cold. “Assuming all of you survive long enough to make it there. Daisuke, how much is left to ration?”
“A dozen flasks of water,” Daisuke said. “More sake than anyone needs. About five food packs.”
Souichi frowned, silently calculating. “That’s not enough.”
Good, crisp writing, good voice. I know the first page challenge is tough, but it can be done. However, it hasn’t been met here. The last line on the page hints at a future problem, but it’s not something directly affecting the characters.
This page is primarily setup. On this single page, we’re hit with three character names, and more quickly follow on the next page. Give more action to a single character, no need for the complexity.
Approximately the first 2400 of the 2600 words in this chapter go to setup. I advocate the advice of editor and coach Stephen James: you don’t have a story until something goes/is wrong. I think that’s a good guideline, and nothing goes wrong in the first 2400 words.
And then one character kills all of the others we’ve spent 2400 words getting to know. It’s a dramatic and compelling action. If it had been on the first page, I would definitely have turned the page.
Christian, I know that other readers like this chapter, but for me it’s way too long before the inciting incident. My advice? Save this version and accept the challenge to take those last powerful paragraphs from the end, move them to the front, and find a way to do a quick setup to start the scene and then pull the trigger while still on the first page.
Your thoughts?
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ. Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
- Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
- And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.
Flogging the Quill © 2023 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2023 by Moira.
My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.
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