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Flogometer 1175 for John —will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

John sent the first pages of Crossroads, a new adult love story. The rest of the chapter is after the break. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.

Amber Jean Monroe was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen. She stood tall for a girl, maybe five-foot-ten, had golden hair, thick and voluminous, that cascaded to the small of her back, and a splattering of freckles across the bridge of her nose. She wore blue jeans and a light-pink, half-sleeve, button-down blouse that she filled out rather nicely. When she smiled, it seemed as though she was about to share a whispered secret. In all of my twenty-five years, I had never seen another woman more spectacular.

Unfortunately, as I would find out, she was completely untouchable.

I was standing at the counter of Luke’s Pharmacy when she approached and I let her go in front of me. I came in for some aspirin intending to continue through to the next town, but after spotting her, I made the ad-hoc decision to hang around for a while.

“Thanks, Gabe,” she said, taking her change from the guy behind the counter.

She looked at me briefly, flashed a smile, then walked out the door and went to the left.

“Damn,” I muttered.

“Can I help you?” Gabe asked with a hint of impatience.

“Uh, yeah,” I responded, still trying to keep an eye on the girl before she slipped out of view. “I noticed the sign in the window said you were looking for a driver.”

“You new in town?”

For one thing, I’d delete the first sentence and start this paragraph with Amber Jean Monroe stood tall for a girl, etc. For another, I’d look for a way to create a story question here. Later in the narrative, in relation to winning the untouchable Amber, the protagonist says “I don’t take no for an answer.” If this challenge were on the first page, it might be enough to create tension.

But there’s no jeopardy with that, no problem with stakes attached that he has to deal with. There is an almost-missed hint of that later when, asked if he uses drugs, the narrative says:

I did know someone who preferred drugs, though, and he was looking for me.

That would be almost enough. To lift it to story-question levels, some kind of stakes need to be involved.

Here’s a thought for John: The narrative moves from this first page to him applying for a delivery job at the drug store. That’s when he’s asked about drugs. Start with the interview in progress after briefly setting the scene. You could have Amber enter and the person interviewing him, seeing John’s interest in her, could let him know she was the preacher’s daughter and untouchable. This could provoke the not taking a no for an answer. Then the interviewer asks the question about drugs and John makes his statement, and his thoughts could include the danger that would come with the drug person finding him. I’m sure this could be fit on the first page, and then other setup stuff could follow. It would be worth a try.

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

your title
your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Continue reading "Flogometer 1175 for John —will you be moved to turn the page?" »

January 25, 2023 in Flogometer | Permalink | Comments (0)

Flogometer 1175 for Sara —will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

Sara sent the first pages of Rebel Rise, a climate dystopian story. Then she rewrote the opening page and sent that. To my mind, each of the versions has strengths, and the best one incorporates narrative from both. The rest of the chapter from the rewritten version is after the break. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.

A poll follows all three versions.

Version 1 (the rewrite>

It’s fitting my story starts with blood since that is how it will end.

In the beginning, I was driving a rusted shovel into hardened desert clay by the light of a waxing moon. A crimson crust of dried blood covered my hands and arms. With each movement, that crust cracked, filling the air with the scent of iron. I took comfort in that smell, despite everything. It wasn’t the first time I’d been covered in my sister’s blood. But it would be the last. All I had left of her now were memories forever tinted red.

When the hole was deep enough, I crawled onto the sand and stepped around the stones that marked the graves of the other siblings I’d lost. At the edge of our familial graveyard was an old cart; inside, was my sister, Amice. She was wrapped in the threadbare polyester blanket I’d used as a child and she’d used most of her life. Fatigued muscles and hushed sobs had me shaking as I picked her up and lowered her into the inky blackness of the hole. I considered throwing myself in on top of her. I’d considered the same thing after digging my first grave a decade ago. And every time since. How easy things would be under four feet of suffocating sand. If it weren’t for Maureen, the last of my family, I might have done it. Maybe once I dug her grave, I’d finally give in to that desire.

The pale light of dawn rose over the eastern edge of the valley wall that surrounded me and set my aching body in motion. If I didn’t get back before my shift started, I’d be digging that (snip)

Version 2 (The first submission)

It’s fitting this story starts with blood since that is how it ends.

The blood that covers me now is hot and wet. Back in the beginning, it was dry. Suffocating. The parched desert air had sucked the moisture from it, leaving behind a crimson crust that cracked each time I drove the shovel into the earth. When I wiped the tears blurring my eyes, the blood on my hands would run again, filling the air with the scent of iron. I took comfort in that smell, despite everything. It wasn’t the first time I had been covered in her blood. But it would be the last.

All I had left of my sister were memories forever tinted red.

I drove the shovel into the hardened clay by dim lamplight. Night made darker by a blanket of smog cast the surroundings in shadow. Yellow lights of the Vinnsburg township reflected off that haze to the west but did nothing to illuminate the desolate valley I was in. My muscles screamed with the effort, and my throat—as dry as the dunes on the horizon—threatened to close. If I’d remembered to fetch water before bed, I would’ve had something to fill my canteen with. If I could do anything right, I wouldn’t be here at all. I’d be making Amice breakfast back in the hovel instead of relying on my tears to quench my thirst as I dug her grave. It wasn’t the first time caring for her hemophilia had brought me to tears. Maybe there was some solace in this being the last. The thought left me chewing my tongue until the taste of my own (snip)

Version 3, combined versions

The blood that covers me now is hot and wet. Back in the beginning, it was dry. Suffocating. The parched desert air had sucked the moisture from it, leaving behind a crimson crust that cracked each time I drove the shovel into the earth. When I wiped the tears blurring my eyes, the blood on my hands would run again, filling the air with the scent of iron. I took comfort in that smell, despite everything. It wasn’t the first time I had been covered in her blood. But it would be the last.

All I had left of my sister were memories forever tinted red.

When the hole was deep enough, I crawled onto the sand and stepped around the stones that marked the graves of the other siblings I’d lost. At the edge of our familial graveyard was an old cart; inside, was my sister, Amice. She was wrapped in the threadbare polyester blanket I’d used as a child and she’d used most of her life. Fatigued muscles and hushed sobs had me shaking as I picked her up and lowered her into the inky blackness of the hole. I considered throwing myself in on top of her. I’d considered the same thing after digging my first grave a decade ago. And every time since. How easy things would be under four feet of suffocating sand. If it weren’t for Maureen, the last of my family, I might have done it. Maybe once I dug her grave, I’d finally give in to that desire.

The pale light of dawn rose over the eastern edge of the valley wall that surrounded me (snip)

My thoughts

The opening one-sentence paragraph just didn’t work for me. The narrative space can be better used, IMO. The revised version lost the immediacy and sense of being in the experience of the character that the original submission had. I liked the opening of the original submission with sensory details and action that put me right into the story. But the rewrite’s narrative after that point served up necessary setup in a way that still managed to raise story questions.

I didn’t deal with line editing of any of the versions, just wanted to get the story off to the best start. Your thoughts?

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

your title
your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Continue reading "Flogometer 1175 for Sara —will you be moved to turn the page?" »

January 16, 2023 | Permalink | Comments (0)

Flogometer 1174 for Sheila —will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

Sheila sends the first pages of Nina Back in Time, a middle-grade time travel mystery. The rest of the chapter is after the break. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.

I thought I was a pretty good sleuth (British word for detective), but after my summer at Silver Lake, the camp I didn’t want to go to, I’m sure of it. If you want to hear the whole story, read on. But it's long and involves some flying. If that makes you airsick, fasten your seatbelt. I’ll start at the beginning, so you don’t have to buckle up yet.

Back in March, I didn’t want to go to camp. I didn’t want to meet new people. “You can’t just sit around all summer reading,” Mom had said. SO annoying. She found a camp “in the middle of history,” her words, in the middle of nowhere, my words. It turned out okay, because I met Elkie, who became a better friend to me than Stacey, my oldest friend, who came with me to camp because our moms still think we are best friends.

Oh, I should warn you, Elkie’s got all kinds of super powers. I didn’t know what that meant at first, so I’m telling you for your own good. If you don’t like super powers, stop reading. But if you like surprises, read on. I’m not really giving anything away. Just warning you, like a hot sauce label does.

The big day arrived. After a hundred good-byes to Dad, my brother Benjie, my sister Bree, and most sadly, my bed, Mom drove me to the bus. “Bye, Mom.” I don’t like mushy good-byes. Mom pulled me into a big hug. Ugh. But I meant it when I said, “I’ll miss you, Mom.”

“Remember, Camp North Star Lake is in Seneca Falls, home of the early women’s rights…”

“I know, Mom. You’ve told me like 1,000 times.” She can’t help it, she’s a history professor.

I like the writing and the voice, especially the touches of humor. But . . .

While this opening page aims to tease me into a page turn with hints about super powers and more, it is basically all setup. There’s no actual story here and, thus, no story questions. This character doesn’t have a mystery to solve. We don’t, at this point, even know his/her name nor his/her gender (or should I say “their” gender?). The character has no troubling problem to deal with, nothing is threatening their peaceful middle-grade existence.

I read on, looking for something to make me wonder what happens next (not finding it) and was even more engaged by the writing . . . but there was still no story. Hints of one, perhaps a haunting, but nothing really happens to the character other than meeting people and talking about things. I suggest you look deeper into your manuscript for something happening that matters, that the character has to deal with or suffer consequences. Or, at the least, what most mysteries start with, a body. It may be that the teases will draw in your intended audience, but why not make it stronger? You’ve got the writing chops, put them to work with dramatic happenings.

Your thoughts?

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

your title
your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Continue reading "Flogometer 1174 for Sheila —will you be moved to turn the page?" »

January 06, 2023 in Flogometer | Permalink | Comments (0)

Flogometer 1173 for Chris —will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

Chris sends the first pages of Little Mountain, Big Trouble. The rest of the chapter is after the break. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.

I don’t know if there’s an official definition of “bad start to seventh grade,” but getting beat up for the third time in the first six weeks works for me. It started that morning when I walked into science class. As I headed down the aisle to my seat, Tommy Soukup blocked my path. When I tried to slide past, he hip-checked me into a desk. One of the ways he messes with smaller kids. That or stuff someone into a locker for laughs.

Soukup’s way bigger than me and the best athlete in school. His jock friends think he’s a god. But he’s not perfect. He’s an ugly zitface who’s dumb as a rock. He usually has armpit stains on his shirt and smells like BO. As I caught my balance, he folded his arms and smirked.

“Whatsa matter, Melonhead, too fat to fit in the aisle?” His smirk grew into a lop-sided grin, revealing his crooked yellow teeth.

My legs wanted to jet me out of the room, but something snapped in my brain. Maybe I was fed up with his crap. Maybe I had nothing to lose. Soukup was five inches taller and thirty pounds heavier. If he beat me up and I spent a week in the hospital, I’d at least get a vacation from school. I glared at him and said what I’d dreamed up weeks ago but never dared say to his face: “If your brain was dynamite, Suckup, there wouldn’t be enough to blow your hat off your head.”

The other kids in the room let out a collective gasp. Two girls giggled.

Good writing and voice. This reminded me of a similar thing that happened to me in junior high—I was the little kid, and there was a big bully. I handled it differently though, and the bully ended up a friend.

That’s neither here nor there, though. This opening satisfies the checklist in many ways, including something going wrong for the protagonist and an expectation of more trouble ahead, and those things raise good story questions. I will say, however, that this short chapter ends pretty much tension free, with no story questions popping up. Your thoughts?

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

your title
your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Continue reading "Flogometer 1173 for Chris —will you be moved to turn the page?" »

January 02, 2023 in Flogometer | Permalink | Comments (3)

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Flogometer 1175 for John —will you be moved to turn the page?

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