In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books from BookBub. The challenge is if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
- It begins to engage the reader with the character
- Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
- The character desires something.
- The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Here is the opening of Redemption A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that these authors should have hired an editor.
Michelle fast-walked down the hallway, nearly breaking the no-running rule. The hallway was decorated with holiday paraphernalia. Excited little voices and holiday music filtered into the hallway from the classrooms. Michelle typically taught a class for gifted and talented students at that time, but her principal had let her leave a few hours early.
Mrs. Levitt walked toward Michelle, coming from the teacher’s bathroom. The old teacher gave Michelle the evil eye and glanced at her watch as their paths crossed, but Michelle didn’t acknowledge her existence. The rumor was that Mrs. Levitt was jealous of Michelle’s beauty, wealth, and connection with the kids.
Michelle never thought of herself as beautiful. Her brown hair was too straight, and her breasts were too small. She did have large blue eyes, a symmetrical heart-shaped face, and an athletic build. It was more than enough to win a hypothetical beauty pageant among the Radnor Elementary School staff.
Mrs. Levitt made Michelle pay for her good fortune by scheduling recess during gifted support time, forcing Michelle to explain to the kids why they couldn’t go to recess. And Mrs. Levitt wasn’t the only one. A gaggle of the old guard secretly wished for Michelle’s demise.
Michelle stepped outside, the cold air nipping her nose. The wind whipped her dress around her legs, as she hurried to her car. She pressed her key fob, her 1999 BMW flashing in response. Her new car did nothing to quell the jealousy. One teacher had been bold enough to say, “Must be nice to have a rich (snip)
You can read more here. This earned 4.5 stars on Amazon. This opening (and I suspect the rest of the book) sure could have used an editor. Not for grammar and writing so much as for storytelling shortcomings. There is no story question, no problem for the character to deal with. There’s a missed opportunity in the first paragraph where the sentence ends with “leave a few hours early.” It could have easily continued with something like: leave a few hours early to deal with (problem).
Then the third paragraph treats us to a clumsy attempt to describe the character with her thoughs. She has a reason to leave early, which suggests a problem, so would any normal person be thinking abou the shape of her face? I think not. I’m not a fan of description such as “her 1999 BMW.” Unless the facts that it’s new and a BMW affect the story, it should just be “car.” I had no urge to read on. Your thoughts?
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Gundown More than 600 free ebooks given away.