In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books from BookBub. The challenge is if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Here is the opening of the first chapter of The Advocate’s Felony. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that these authors should have hired an editor.
Three weeks later
It was fourteen minutes past two in the morning when the phone rang. Attorney Sabre Brown was startled by the blaring sound of the ringtone by the Goo Goo Dolls. She turned over and forced her eyes open. Confusion filled her mind for a second, quickly replaced by fear. Phone calls in the middle of the night never brought good news. She reached for her cell phone on the nightstand, not bothering to turn on the lamp.
“Blocked Number” glowed on her phone. Sabre slid the bar over on the touchscreen.
“Hello,” she squeaked. She cleared her throat. “Hello,” she said again.
“Sabre,” the male voice said softly. Sabre sat up in one jerky motion. She was shocked at the voice she heard on the other end of the line. Her heart pounded and her hands shook. “Ron?” she said louder than she intended. “Is that you?”
“It’s me,” he whispered.
Sabre hesitated. She so desperately wanted it to be her brother, but she didn’t trust that it was really him. Ron had been gone so long, over seven years. What if it was a trick? But that deep, baritone voice was tough to duplicate.
“What was the name of our childhood pet?” Sabre asked, remembering a code they had once created.
This earned 4.5 stars on Amazon. Being awakened by something is such a common trope you’d think writers would steer away from it. We’re so numbed by that kind of thing that your story had better strike quickly. Luckily, this one does raise good story questions before the page is done. There’s a sense of jeopardy ahead, nicely aroused by her cautionary identification of the caller and that he, her brother, has not been heard from for seven years. I think the tension could have been amped up if the first page had included the fact that the brother has been in a witness protection program for those years, and he was not supposed to contact her. So I’d read on a little. Your thoughts?
Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.
Alice sends Blizzard, the first chapter of Palo Duro Mustangs. The rest of the chapter is after the break. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.
A dark blur faded in and out of a scattering of bare-branched cottonwoods along a dry snow-filled stream bed. Two Feathers squinted through the wind-swirled sea of white that burned his cheeks and stung his eyes, but the dark shape was gone. Was it his missing bull? No, he was almost sure he had seen the upright shape of a man. Yellow Hawk? Pinpricks raced down his back. A flutter settled in his empty stomach. How much longer would his uncle stalk him and Will?
Forcing thoughts of his uncle aside, Two Feathers pushed on. He had looked all day, but found no sign of the bull. He must find him. The idea of telling his brother they had lost another bull was unthinkable. Between the winter snows and Yellow Hawk’s raids, their losses were heavy.
Thoughts of the lost bull slipped away. Hatred for Yellow Hawk, his uncle, took its place. He shivered, but not from the cold. His eyes watered, but not from the wind. Memories filled his head. His own uncle had killed his father many years ago when he was very small. Will’s pa’s death a year ago during a raid by Yellow Hawk’s band left them, two young boys, to run the Pecos River Ranch. What was he supposed to do on a white man’s ranch? He was Comanche. He was supposed to hunt buffalo, not Longhorn bulls.
Will’s words that morning forced their way back into Two Feathers thoughts. “Find Big (snip)
This opening begins to edge toward a strong story question, but then sidesteps into backstory. I say “edge” because, even though we are told that he must find the bull, there are no stakes or consequences for failure. What will happen if he doesn’t find the bull? Is there a dire consequence? Then bring it on here.
There is some lovely language here, but, for me, there were times when it got in the way. Specifically, this:
the wind-swirled sea of white
While there's a lot to like here--the promise of a look inside a Native American's life--there are other issues. Here’s a brief edit:
A dark blur faded in and out of a scattering of bare-branched cottonwoods along a dry snow-filled stream bed. Two Feathers squinted through the wind-swirled sea of white that burned his cheeks and stung his eyes, but the dark shape was gone. Was it his missing bull? No, he was almost sure he had seen the upright shape of a man. Yellow Hawk? Pinpricks raced down his back. A flutter settled in his empty stomach. How much longer would his uncle stalk him and Will? The "sea of white" description is a bit of overwriting. Keep action like this simple. "would his uncle stalk him and Will" suggests that Will is there with him, but he's not.
Forcing thoughts of his uncle aside, Two Feathers pushed on. He had looked all day, but found no sign of the bull. He must find him. The idea of telling his brother they had lost another bull was unthinkable. Between the winter snows and Yellow Hawk’s raids, their losses were heavy. Why is it unthinkable? What are the consequences?
Thoughts of the lost bull slipped away. Hatred for Yellow Hawk, his uncle, took itstheir place. He shivered, but not from the cold. His eyes watered, but not from the wind. Memories filled his head.His ownuncle had killed his father many years ago when he was very small. Will’s pa’s death a year ago during a raid by Yellow Hawk’s band left them, two young boys, to run the Pecos River Ranch. What was he supposed to do on a white man’s ranch? He was Comanche. He was supposed to hunt buffalo, not Longhorn bulls. Second reference to thoughts, an "echo" to avoid.The "slipped away" tells me that we're about to slip away from a story that you want me to be hooked by into a detour into backstory. Not a good idea. The antecedent for the "he" in this sentence is his father, not what you meant. This is a white man's ranch? I thought it was Will's pa's, who I was thinking was an Indian since Two Feathers is one and he's also running the ranch. This bit of backstory is tangled and confusing, and has nothing to do with finding a lost bull. Stick to the story, or start it in a different place.
Will’s words that morning forced their way back into Two Feathers thoughts. “Find Big (snip) More backstory.
In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Here is the prologue of Little Rumours. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.
Joe
The ghost was chasing Scooby down the hall when the screen flickered and went dark.
Joe sat for a moment staring into the black, then leaped to his feet.
‘Daddy!’ There was no answer. He fidgeted, first on one foot, then the other. ‘Mummy?’ He knew she wouldn’t answer him though – she was at her Saturday morning running club.
He glanced at the window. Daddy was in the garden somewhere. But he, Joe, wasn’t allowed to move from his spot in front of the TV. This was what Daddy always said on a Saturday – ‘Sit down, Sport, right here, and watch your cartoons until Mummy gets back. Don’t move from this spot … or there’ll be trouble!’
He didn’t want there to be trouble. Being in trouble was bad. But if he could no longer watch cartoons, then he couldn’t watch cartoons ‘from this spot’. That meant he could move, didn’t it? He practically had to. With one eye on the window, to make sure he wasn’t seen, he took a careful step forward. There was no-one watching. He took another step, grabbed the remote and jumped back.
He pressed the power button, but nothing happened. Surely Daddy wouldn’t mind if Joe went to find him? He’d come in, fix the TV, and then Joe could find out who the ghost of Rufus Raucous was.
You can read more here. This earned 4.3 stars on Amazon. For me, this is an interesting prologue. While there is no expressed jeopardy for the character and his only problem is that the TV stopped working, anyone who has read a few novels will sense an underlying tension. You just know that there’s trouble ahead for this child. The question is, is what might be coming enough to earn a page turn? I’d give it one more page to see if there’s something of interest going on, but not much more. Your thoughts?
In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books from BookBub. The challenge is if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Here is the prologue of Anchored, an urban fantasy. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that these authors should have hired an editor.
The human brain interprets an image in thirteen milliseconds. At any given time, more than a hundred billion neurons are firing in the gray matter of an average kid. I learned that on my very last day of school.
The day before I escaped.
In spite of all those speedy, hard-working neurons, humans frequently make very poor split-second decisions. I’m kind of the expert on the consequences of bad calls.
If the semi-truck driver had serviced his brakes properly, my parents might still be alive. If I’d just lied about my bizarre dreams of Terra, Aunt Trina might not have surrendered us to the state. If I’d dealt with things better at the group home, well. There probably isn’t any reality where that would have happened. But if I hadn’t freaked out and screamed at my caseworker when he suggested separating me from my big brother Jesse, he might never have fixated on me.
If so many tiny details in my life had played out just a smidge better, someone else could be stuck making this decision instead of me. Someone else could be responsible for saving the world, and that would probably be way better for, well, for everyone.
Because if I'm being honest, I'm not sure the world deserves to be saved.
You can read more here. This earned 4.3 stars on Amazon. This is another good prologue, brief yet filled with story questions. The voice is inviting and the writing good. It raises good “what happens next” questions for me, and I want to know more about this character and if, how, and why she/he makes a decision to save the world. It would have been nice to know the gender, but I can wait to find out. Your thoughts?
In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books from BookBub. The challenge is if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Here is the prologue of The Culling, dystopian science fiction. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that these authors should have hired an editor.
Papa fell down and he didn’t stand up again.
I’d seen Papa jump the tallest fence in our colony. I’d seen Papa laugh and dance with Mama in the living room when I was supposed to be asleep. And I’d seen Papa run alongside me, so fast. But I’d never seen Papa fall down until that morning.
I puzzled it out as I sat with Mama in our front yard, one of my twin sisters on my lap. “But where did he go?” I asked her.
“I don’t know.” Her voice didn’t sound like Mama’s voice.
I looked at the place where he’d fallen. The red dirt was pushed around like something had been dragged through it. I tried to understand. “But those men took him somewhere.”
Mama stood up quickly then, one of the twins on her hip. “They took him away. With the rest of the culled, Glade.”
I frowned. I didn’t know what that meant. All the grownups had been talking about the Culling, but no one had told me what it was. And then Papa had fallen down. And hadn’t moved for hours. Mama had gone out to him. Just once. Just for a minute. She’d leaned down over him and shook and shook. It had looked like she was talking. But she hadn’t let me go outside. Not until men had come by on a truck and picked Papa up and driven him away.
“And he won’t come back?” It didn’t make any sense. Papa always came back. He was (snip)
You can read more here. This earned 4.4 stars on Amazon. This is one of those rare good prologues, one that is a scene that introduces a sympathetic character who has a problem. The child narrator doesn’t understand what the problem is, but readers see trouble ahead for her. Nicely done, IMO. Your thoughts?
In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Here is the opening of When She Disappeared. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that these authors should have hired an editor.
~Fledgling hawks soar to peaking crests
Behind the canopy you’ll find your quest
Jump the path at Lightning Tree
Journey west to rocks stacked three
Travel along the whispering creek
Pass the falls for what you seek.
Hawks fly high for the final test
We’ll pass the torch at Senior Nest~
‘You don’t have to do this, Lenny. No one will give you a hard time if you jump from the lower rock. You’re one of our best football players; the team is screwed if you get hurt! They’ll understand.’
Lenny stood next to Farrah on the rocky ledge some thirty feet above the pool of water, its dark blue surface rippling tauntingly as the late-day sunlight bounced off it. His classmates were all in their underwear, but he couldn’t bring himself to remove his oversized t-shirt. He’d hit six foot seven that year and topped the scales at over three hundred pounds. Surrounded by his much shorter and smaller friends, his confidence waned, even with his popularity as the best defensive end in the state. But he refused to be left behind during this crucial moment. His class (snip)
You can read more here. This earned 4.2 stars on Amazon. This opening illustrates an issue I have with most prologues: they aren’t a story. What do I, and most readers, I believe, open the pages of a novel to fine? A story.
Here, they are greeted with a poem. Not story. True, the narrative quickly goes to a scene, and a character is worried . . . but it’s not much of a hook for me. If you must have a prologue, then make sure it raises strong story questions. If at all possible, have the character or characters in it relate to the first chapter (that doesn’t happen here, at least not at the beginning of the chapter). If you’re using a prologue in your WIP and it is not a strong scene with story questions, then I think you should be asking yourself why you’re using it. If it’s to set something up, maybe the time to do that is just before the event happens. Your thoughts?
Three weeks later