Flogging the Quill

Flog a $1.99 BookBubber 395-Elizabeth Little—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that are not free, although interesting free books still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay for it on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Here is the opening of Dear Daughter. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that these authors should have hired an editor.

From: CNN Breaking News <[email protected]>

Subject: CNN Breaking News

Date: Sept 17, 2013 10:43:01 AM EDT

To: [email protected]

A California judge has overturned the first-degree murder conviction of Jane Jenkins as part of the ongoing investigation into the mismanagement of evidence by the Los Angeles County Crime Lab from 2001 to 2005.

Jenkins, 26, was convicted in 2003 of killing her mother, Swiss American socialite and philanthropist Marion Elsinger.

Jenkins made her first public appearance in ten years when she was escorted into this morning’s proceedings in Sacramento. Reporters were barred from the hearing.

Jenkins is scheduled to be released later today. When her lawyer, Noah Washington, was asked outside the courthouse about Jenkins’s plans for the future, he offered no comment.

CHAPTER ONE

As soon as they processed my release, Noah and I hit the ground running. A change of clothes. A wig. An inconspicuous sedan. We doubled back once, twice, then drove south when we were headed east. In San Francisco we had a girl who looked like me board a plane to Hawaii. Oh, I thought I was so clever.

You can read more here. This earned 3.6 stars on Amazon, but the info on the page lists a bunch of awards. I know the price is higher than what I traditionally look at, but I was interested.

The opening news report does a good job of setting things up and raising story question for me right away. Did she actually kill her mother? If not, who did? If so, why? Then the opening lines of the first chapter (the total of the introduction and the first chapter are only 16 lines) raises more story questions—why the ironic “I was so clever”? Nice foreshadowing of something going wrong. Worked for me. And I liked the character's voice. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 394-Lawrence Sanders—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here is the opening of McNally’s RIsk. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that these authors should have hired an editor.

Occasionally my behavior reminded me of that famous apothegm of the theatre: “Good acting demands absolute sincerity—and if you can fake that you’ve got it made.”

What brought on that introspective twitch was that at the moment I was perched on the edge of a lumpy armchair, leaning forward attentively, alert as a bird dog, exhibiting every evidence of sympathetic interest, including clucking—and bored out of my gourd.

I was listening to a lecture by Mrs. Gertrude Smythe-Hersforth, a large, imperious lady who may have been the best bridge player in the Town of Palm Beach, but whose

Mrs. Smythe-Hersforth was expounding on the importance of family tradition and bloodlines, and how in the current mongrelized (her word) Palm Beach society it was more important than ever that people of breeding circle the wagons to defend their world against the determ

ined assault of lesser beings, many of whom didn’t have a single hyphen to their name.

“After all, Archy,” quoth she, “one must have pride in one’s family.”

Don’t you just love it? This overstuffed matron was implying that if your name was Smith, DiCicco, or Rabinowitz, you were incapable of pride and probably bought your Jockey shorts at K-Mart. In Britain, family determines class. But in America, it’s money. I could have explained that to her, but what was the use?

You can read more here. This earned 4.5 stars on Amazon. Well, if professional writing and an inviting voice are enough to get you to turn a page, then this could work for you. On the other hand, if you’d like a story question—or even the hint of a story—then you’re disappointed. This author, the blurbs say, is a bestseller. I wished he had applied his talent to creating a story that started on the first page. Pass. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 393-Wendy Owens—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books from BookBub. The challenge is if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here is the opening of My Wife’s Secrets. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that these authors should have hired an editor.

My wife is being released from prison today. Correction, my ex-wife is being released today. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I know how I should feel. I'm married to someone else now, and we have a child. I know in my heart I shouldn't feel anything about today, but I can't seem to stop myself from being haunted by the life I had before this one.

Sometimes, there are moments when I forget the past few years, and I'll get excited that it's time to head home to Lizzy. The memories linger in my mind, and it feels like only yesterday when I would walk in the door and find her standing there to greet me. It wasn't yesterday, though. It might as well have been a lifetime ago. Even though Lizzy is being released, it doesn't change anything. My choices in the past wrecked so many lives, including my own. I can't do that again. I won't. My daughter deserves more than that.

"Nathan." Evelyn's voice breaks through my thoughts. "What are we going to do about Liz?"

My chest constricts when she says her name. I don't like the way it sounds when it leaves her lips. Maybe it's because it reminds me of the night Evelyn confessed to me that she visited my ex-wife in prison. Evelyn was worried I was angry with her, as though it was a betrayal for her to go see Liz. I couldn't tell her it wasn't anger I'd felt. It was sadness. I was sad that Evelyn saw Lizzy in prison before I did. I tried for so long to work up the courage to go, but I never did.

You can read more here. This earned 4.4 stars on Amazon. I found this opening to have several story questions that I’d like answered. First, there’s the story of Lizzie’s crime—who did she murder? What happened? How come she’s being released?

And then there are the what-happens-next questions: Is he going to reconnect with Lizzie? Will she try to come into their lives? What will her freedom do to this marriage, which doesn’t seem to have the protagonist’s strong commitment? And on. I’m interested, at least for another page or so. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 392-W.L. Liberman—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books from BookBub. The challenge is if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here is the opening of Looking for Henry Turner. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that these authors should have hired an editor.

Ying Hee Fong looked like an angel minus the wings. Whoever shot him did a good job. He couldn't have been deader if he'd lived then died again. Blood gushed from a jagged hole in his right temple, spilling into a sticky pool circling his head. He looked serene. Dark eyes stared into eternity, legs sprawled, arms thrown up over his shoulders. Just like a kid making angels in the snow. Except the snow melted, stripping bare the rotting garbage of a back alley in Chinatown.

Ying worked for John Fat Gai, a gambler and racketeer. John ran illegal poker games and craps in dingy rooms above chop suey joints and small food markets where, for a nickel, you could catch a disease and buy a rotting cabbage. Wherever you found a spare table, chairs, bootleg whiskey and suckers willing to throw their money away, the action never stopped. Ying dealt the cards, sometimes straight up. The dealers worked six shifts a week from 11 at night until six the following morning. They got Sundays off. None of them went to church. Like the others, Ying came off a boat owned by John who paid customs officials at Pier 21 in Halifax to look the other way. He arrived with a host of other bedraggled refugees toting a battered suitcase and not much else. His life and earnings belonged to John Fat Gai. Ying had made his deal but decided he couldn't live with it. We saw the result. John found out Ying had been skimming the pot. Ying went into hiding; an impossibility in a city where dirty money counted, information (snip)

 

You can read more here. This earned 4.2 stars on Amazon. The writing is solid and the voice inviting. And we start out with a body in an exotic location. At least it is to me—Chinatown is another universe, one that I know nothing about. So that adds interest. Since it’s clear that this is a mystery, the protagonist doesn’t have to have something going wrong right away -- but it should, sooner or later. So, is the mystery element, the voice, and the world of Chinatown enough to make you want a little more? Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 391-Jess Lourey—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books may still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here is the opening of April Fools. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that these authors should have hired an editor.

This may not be your cup of genre, so just judge it on the storytelling and writing.

“I don’t like the look of this.”

I had to agree with Mrs. Berns. “Maybe it’s not as bad as it seems.”

She and I stood near the Battle Lake Library’s front desk, hands on hips, staring down. “I want to poke it with a stick,” she added.

I nodded. “That’s a good plan. But we don’t have a stick.”

She reached for a pencil out of the public cup. She waved it in front of my eyes. “You’re the one who keeps buying these stupid short pencils. You get to poke it. I don’t want to get that close. You’ve watched The Blob?”

I had. When I was eight years old. I spent the next week sleeping in my parents’ bed. I could call up at will the image of the pulsating red lava crawling up the branch and onto the man’s hand, absorbing him as he screamed.

“Those are standard issue, library-length pencils,” I said.

“Do not get defensive with me,” she said. “And only an insecure man would market those as ‘standard issue.’ Those are itty-bitty pencils. Now poke it.”

I leaned forward and then thought better of it. “Maybe I could tape two pencils together?”

She pinched my arm, the soft flesh underneath, her hand in and out before I had a chance to swipe at her. For a woman in her late 80s, she was quick. Scratch that. For a human, she was (snip)

You can read more here. This earned 4.4 stars on Amazon. This is a cozy mystery, one in which the sleuth is not a lawperson. What struck me right away is a voice with its tongue firmly in its cheek. The writing is professional and that, along with the voice, says to me that we’re in the hands of a pro.

Admittedly, there’s not a high-stakes story question here, only what whatever-it-is is. But that, along with the voice, was enough to make me want to take a deeper look and visit it on Amazon. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.