Flogging the Quill

Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 386 S.E. Lynes—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books may still get a look. (This one is free for Kindle Unlimited subscribers.) The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Here is the opening of Her Sister’s Secret. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.

In my hands is a black-and-white photograph of my sister and me as kids. I remember this picture being taken so vividly. We were in the back garden of our parents’ wee white house in our wee white town on the edge of Loch Fyne. Inveraray. West coast of Scotland. Our dresses are home-made, floral, real Sound of Music curtain jobs. My mother didn’t make them out of actual curtains, I don’t think. She probably made them from one of her old dresses, some sixties creation – she was always making new clothes from old, making repairs, making do. This will have been ’73, ’74. Annie was about eight, myself about three. I was still a younger sister then. I was still a sister.

last time I saw my sister was here, almost two years ago now. The apples were still hard and small, the wasps still feisty, the days long and warm. I always loved coming to her cottage – the change of pace, the air, the sea. Four months have passed since I got that terrible call, and part of me still finds it impossible to believe I will never see her again. The fire, what came after the fire, the reality of my sister’s life, her death – the truth has fallen in slow rain. Even now, I know I have yet to turn my face to its last acid drops.

My eyes return, can’t help but return, to the photograph. It’s our chubby knees that make my eyes prick – legs locked with the effort of standing nicely for my dad’s Kodak Brownie.

You can read more here. This earned 4.4 stars on Amazon. The writing is clear, and the voice engaging. This woman is clearly reflecting on a tragedy, the death of her sister. But . . . first thing, we’re into backstory. Yes, we need some setup, but I saw nothing more in this opening. This is supposed to be a mystery, but the protagonist is not dealing with anything gone wrong, doesn’t express a need to find out what happened . . . until the end of the chapter, where her nephew, the son of her dead sister, is about to go on trial, though we don’t know what for. That came way too late to give this opening the tension it needs. If voice is enough for you, then you might turn the page. I looked inside at Amazon, but found little more to reward page-turns. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 385 Liliana Hart—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books may still get a look. (This one is free for Kindle Unlimited subscribers.) The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Here is from the prologue of Dirty Martini. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.

He’d been born for this.

Kevin Schwartzman heard the muffled roar of the crowd from inside the tiny dressing room, and shivers of anticipation went down his spine.

A light sheen of sweat covered his hairless chest, and his hands shook as he dipped his fingers in white stage makeup. He smeared it across his cheeks and forehead, repeating the motion until his entire face was covered.

He wiped the makeup off his fingers with a towel and then picked up the next color—coal-black this time—and he drew black diamonds around his eyes, trailing a fingertip down his cheek so it looked like black tears.

His reddish-blond hair was thick and he was in need of a haircut, but it didn’t matter how often he got one, it always looked like he needed a haircut. The cowlick at the top of his skull made his hair stick up every which way. But it didn’t matter.

When he looked in the mirror, he didn’t see the scrawny chest or the blond whiskers that threatened to sprout on his upper lip. He didn’t see the face that hadn’t quite filled out or the acne at his hairline. He wasn’t Kevin Schwartzman, college student and loser in love. Today, he was Kaal Dracarian, a prince and warrior who would save his people from evil.

There was a roar from the crowd again and he looked at the clock, his heart pounding (snip)

You can read more here. This earned 4.7 stars on Amazon. The writing and voice in this opening are professional, definitely a good sign. But I think it’s weak on story questions. I did get to wondering what was going on, and the character seems sympathetic. He could be the protagonist—generally, readers expect the first main character to be the protagonist.

But that is often not the case in thrillers and mysteries, and this is a crime novel. I don’t think in a bookstore I would have been likely to turn the page as there is little tension here, but I had the advantage of Amazon’s look inside and the ability to download a sample to my computer. Reading ahead for free changed my mind—but I should have been hooked on the first page, and I wasn’t. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1166 for Rex —will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

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Rex sends the first chapter of Time to Strike. The rest of the chapter is after the break. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.

I killed my first man before I hit my growth spurt, when frogs and turtles still excited me more than women. I remember ever’ detail o’ that night, June 2, 1855, down to the cigar smoke billowin’ from the private game room on the second deck o’ the Arkansas Princess. I stood outside the doorway, listenin’ to the so’t splashes o’ the big sidewheel churnin’ the waters o’ the wide Mississippi, and watched Moss Edmund toss a double eagle onto a loose pile o’ gold coins in the center o’ a poker table. Not one o’ the six players noticed me. Night could be a black boy’s best friend.

I eyed Edmund, one o’ Gregory Halpern’s hired thugs, his fat lips puffin’ on a thick cigar under his black, droopin’ moustache. The white bastard sat with his back at an angle to the doorway. Perfect. I fingered the butt o’ the derringer tucked in my vest pocket. One shot, up close, should do the trick.

I grew up on the Halpern Company’s paddle wheelers, servin’ customers, washin’ clothes, even playin’ a little piano, and had long since learned to balance a loaded silver tray with one hand. That night I carried a bottle o’ French cognac and six crystalline shot glasses. I stepped through the doorway, my tray held high, a white cloth draped over my arm for decoration. “Would the gentlemen care for refreshments? Compliments o’ the Arkansas Princess.” I moved toward them, a stomach-flutterin’ lightness in my step.

From a story-telling point of view, this is a pretty good opening. Even though the narrative quickly launches into backstory, it still has tension. A killing is about to happen and an action scene is in our future. So I would turn that page . . . but maybe not. Because of the extreme use of dialect.

I think you’ll get into trouble with readers using this much dialect. For me, the use of “o’" evoked an Irish brogue accent, not a southern one. And I had to stop reading—a bad thing—to figure out that “so’t” meant “soft.” Dropping the “g” from a number of gerunds is probably plenty, and I wouldn’t drop it from every one, either. I suggest you do an internet search for articles on using dialect in fiction. There’s one here that might be helpful. Ease up on the dialect and I think you’ve got something. Readers, your thoughts?

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2022 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2022 by Rex.

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My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flog a BookBubber 383 G.A. Franks—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books from BookBub. The challenge is if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here is the prologue of Maelstorm. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.

The woman burst into the room; her bloodshot eyes wide and frantic, “We have to go,” she cried. “Where is she?”

A muscular man rose from a tatty armchair, his face hidden by the darkness, “She's fine, she's asleep.” He took the woman's hand in his own, “Hey, stop! Breathe! Look at me and tell me what's happened.”

Her chest heaved, and her breath came in short, ragged sobs. “He knows, he knows!”

All colour drained from the man’s face, “Are you sure? How can you be sure?”

“I don't have time for this, help me load the van, we need to go now. Please.”

“The van? You can't take that thing, it’s an antique, you won't get ten miles!”

The woman ignored him and emptied a drawer onto the floor before frantically scrabbling around in its contents. Triumphantly holding up an old set of keys, she looked up at the man with tears streaming down her face and fire in her eyes, “You of all people know it's the only way he won't be able to track us, it only has to get us as far as the wall. I've kept it running for years, it'll work I promise. Please, I don’t have time for this, you have to trust me!”

They stared at each other in a long, heavy silence before the man finally spoke. “This is really happening isn't it?”

“Mummy?” The tension between them evaporated as a small child shuffled into the (snip)

You can read more here. This earned 4.3 stars on Amazon. This opening hits a number of points on the checklist, primarily that of something having gone wrong. Jeopardy is strongly implied in the woman’s fear and the need to escape. The stakes rise when a small child comes into the picture . . . and into danger. I would have read more even though this needs editing—a quick editorial look follows, hard to see is the replacement of several commas with periods before quotations. Your thoughts?

The woman burst into the room; her bloodshot eyes wide and frantic,. “We have to go,” she cried. “Where is she?”

A muscular man rose from a tatty armchair, his face hidden by the darkness,. “She's fine, she's asleep.” He took the woman's hand in his own,. “Hey, stop! Breathe! Look at me and tell me what's happened.” He tells her to breathe, but we don't know that she's having trouble breathing until the following paragraph. The breathing description needs to come in the opening paragraph is this is to work.

Her chest heaved, and her breath came in short, ragged sobs. “He knows, he knows!”

All colour drained from the man’s face,. “Are you sure? How can you be sure?” If his face is hidden in the darkness, how can we see that the coulour drains from it?

“I don't have time for this, help me load the van, we need to go now. Please.”

“The van? You can't take that thing, it’s an antique, you won't get ten miles!”

The woman ignored him and emptied a drawer onto the floor before frantically scrabbling around in and scrabbled through its contents. Triumphantly hHolding up an old set of keys, she looked up at the man with tears streaming down her face and fire in her eyes,. “You of all people know it's the only way he won't be able to track us, it only has to get us as far as the wall. I've kept it running for years, it'll work I promise. Please, I don’t have time for this, you have to trust me!”

They stared at each other in a long, heavy silence before the man finally spoke. “This is really happening isn't it?”

“Mummy?” The tension between them evaporated as when a small child shuffled into the (snip)

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 382 London Clarke—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books may still get a look. (This one is free for Kindle Unlimited subscribers.) The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here is the prologue of Wildfell. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.

Are you ready for this?

The words echoed in my mind. I’d heard them before. Out of his mouth ... used in a very different context.

No. I wasn’t ready. In fact, I couldn’t do it. In fact...

I looked at the time on my cell phone: 3:38 p.m. In just over eighteen hours I’d be on the stand in the courtroom, testifying against my professor, staring into his electric-green eyes and feeling the pain all over again—confusion, betrayal, anger. I’d wonder what he was thinking, and then I’d want to kill him, and the stages of emotion would cycle through again.

But I couldn’t get on that stand. After all, I had loved him once.

What would happen if I didn’t show up? Would someone come for me? Would they force me to do it? Then I’d have to recite the words the prosecutors wanted me to say.

Or maybe I’d just crumble. Like I’d done so many times before whenever I’d looked at him.

Because I was weak.

But what if I just ... disappeared? I scanned my apartment. How long would it take me to pack up and go? I didn’t have that much stuff—except my books. There were too many to count, and it would take forever to box them up. And what would I do with all of them anyway? No. I (snip) >

You can read more here. This earned 4.1 stars on Amazon. This character isn’t in jeopardy, but she is clearly in turmoil. And she anticipates trouble, things going badly wrong for her, not long from now. She’s afraid. Then running away comes to her. Story questions arise: what crime was her professor accused of? Will she escape? Where can she to be out of reach of the law? And her professor? And what awaits her where she flees to? Enough questions and a sympathetic-enough character got me wanting at least another page (Amazon’s Look Inside feature is so helpful). Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 382 Sara Foster—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books may still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here is the opening page of The Hush. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.

[CLASSIFIED DOC]

SENT THROUGH PRIVATE SERVER, FROM MI5 TO THE PRIME MINISTER’S OFFICE AT 10 DOWNING STREET

URGENT

The YouTube site hosted by PreacherGirl has been permanently taken down.

Total views: 4,065,341. Police task force Delta will continue to look for the person behind the “PreacherGirl” pseudonym.

As agreed, all media inquiries will be dealt with by the Press Secretary’s office.

Out of the twelve girls originally mentioned as missing, three have been located at home.

Out of the twenty-six girls mentioned in the comments by site viewers, eleven have been located at home.

This leaves a total of twenty-four girls, names appended, whose whereabouts are still unknown.

Possible link to Project 9.

We need to talk.

You can read more here. This earned 4.2 stars on Amazon. Sometimes a “non-narrative” opening can be effective, and this one worked for me. Story questions include what happened to the missing girls plus what is Project 9 and who is it that needs to talk about it. There’s jeopardy implied for the missing girls,too. This got me to read on. Let’s see if the first page of the actual narrative works. Another poll follows.

A distant siren merges into the staccato shriek of an alarm clock, and Lainey’s dream slips away. She comes to in her own bed, her body heavy on the sagging mattress, the weight of the blanket pressing her down. Rolling over, she gives the alarm clock a whack, hoping it hasn’t woken her mother. From his basket nearby, Fergus lets out a low grunt. Beside the bed, there’s fluttering and rustling.

She sits up and rubs her eyes. Her room is still dark, full of shadowy cubist shapes. Although the autumn temps have dropped already, she hasn’t turned on her heater yet, and the morning air is chilly. It’s raining outside, and the rush of water is a million murmuring voices, cajoling, soothing, warning, impatient. Get moving, they say. Get this done.

Lainey hesitates, thinking of her plans this morning. There’s an icy lump in her belly. And she hasn’t accounted for rain.

She tiptoes to the bathroom, alert for any other sound. All is quiet. She sits on the toilet with her head in her hands, staring at the scrappy fabric of her knickers caught at her knees. If she stays here and prays hard enough, something might change. Except she doesn’t believe in miracles.

Finally, she gets up to wash her face and brush her teeth. Her hands shake as she gulps water from the tap, and she sighs. If this is going to work, she needs to stay calm.

In a quiet way, this opening chapter page creates tension. The character is nervous about what she plans to do, which implies negative consequences, i.e. jeopardy. That's reinforced by needing to remain calm if "this" is going to work. So there's a story question or two: what is "this," and will it work? This is a near-future thriller, and for me the opening pages held promise. Your thoughts?

 

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a free BookBubber 381 K.J. Kalis—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books from BookBub. The challenge is if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here is the opening page of Twelve Years Gone. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.

Five years had passed, and she could still feel the cold metal of handcuffs being clicked around her wrists. Former Chicago PD detective, Emily Tizzano, stepped out the front door of her small house just outside of Chicago. The morning air was cool. Somewhere in the distance, she heard a single bird chirp. It was far more cheerful than she was. She looked up and down the street, half expecting someone to be staring at her, but they weren’t. It was a feeling she hadn’t been able to shake, even after all these years.

She reached over to the black mailbox that was just outside of the front door, flipping the lid open. Inside, there were two letters and a magazine with coupons in it. There was also a fat envelope with nothing written on the outside. Emily pursed her lips and shook her head. It was the first of the month. The envelopes kept coming.

Emily clicked the door closed behind her, twisting the deadbolt and hearing it click into the frame. Her neighborhood was safe — she knew that — but for some reason it didn’t feel that way. It felt like all the safety and security she knew in her life had been stripped away and sat just out of reach.

She padded down the hallway, avoiding stepping on her dog, Miner, named for all the holes he dug in her backyard. “We’ll go for a walk soon,” she said, taking the mail to the kitchen. It landed on the counter with a slap. The only thing she bothered to open was the fat (snip)

You can read more here. This earned 4.4 stars on Amazon. Hmm. The opening paragraph does raise strong character story questions—what happened to a cop to be handcuffed? There isn’t much jeopardy here, but the fat envelope that comes every month does provoke my curiosity. There is one warning sign, though—there’s some overwriting here, too much minutia of detail that doesn’t affect story. For example:

She reached over to the black mailbox that was just outside of the front door, flipping the lid open. Inside, there were two letters and a magazine with coupons in it. There was also a fat envelope with nothing written on the outside.

That could have been accomplished with:

She took two letters and a fat envelope with nothing written on the outside from her mailbox.

And there was the bit about stepping on her dog, etc. An edit like the above gets to the storytelling much sooner at the critical time you want to hook the interest of your reader. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1166 for Erica —will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

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Erica sends the first chapter of Marble. The rest of the chapter is after the break. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.

Rava woke to fire. He was a long torch streaking through space, death flying at his heels. Running feet, too close, and harsh breathing. Something after him.

His eyelids weighed a tombstone each. He cracked them apart. Faces loomed over him, distorted by fear under ceiling lights that rushed past at dizzying speed. This wasn’t space. The gasps and pounding feet were medics propelling him on something that rocked and jolted. “

He’s awake! Get him back under.” “

Doctor! The dose he’s on…” “

I know! But look at him!”

Pain chewed down on Rava. He tried to thrash away from it, but the only things answering his desperation were ghastly white club-ended limbs. Were they his? He opened his mouth — he had a mouth! Drawing breath felt like swallowing the sun. He roared in agony. “

Stop!” somebody shouted. “Check his read-outs!”

Medical terms volleyed over Rava’s head. Behind them the cool mechanical voice of a medical robot listed words he did understand.

Radiation burns.

Atmospheric burns.

Rava was on fire all right, head to toe. How? He’d been floating tethered under the Skyrover, (snip)

Talk about beginning in media res! This action opening puts us into the experience of Rava from the first sentence. We understand where he is, and we know that he has a really serious problem with deathly stakes. For me, there was no hesitation in wanting more. Your thoughts?

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2022 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2022 by Erica.

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My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flogometer 1165 for Sharon—will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

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Sharon sends the first chapter of A Trail of Stardust. The rest of the chapter is after the break.

Mazie was unbuttoning her blouse at a stoplight when the cell phone rang. She looked to the screen. It was August Nash, opposing counsel on a collection matter she was handling.

“I talked it over with my client, and we can go as high as five hundred thousand,” August told her.

Spin class was starting in a few minutes. She slid shorts up along calves, then tugged them as high as possible beneath a black pencil skirt.

“That’s not even a third of what they owe us,” Mazie scoffed. “We have sunk costs—already paid our vendors.”

One hand reached back to unzip along her waist, shimmied the skirt down her legs like a pro, finishing just as the light turned to green. Mazie scowled as the driver behind tapped his horn and edged closer to the intersection.

“Why don’t you talk it over with your boss—”

“I am the boss, August.” Technically speaking. At least with respect to her department. If only she could replicate that same assuredness on the rest of the world, particularly at the office.

Even as General Counsel, she’d had to sneak out that evening, evading watchful eyes in an effort to lay claim to a personal life.

Although guilt weighed heavily on tense shoulders, she knew a shift in balance was (snip)

I enjoyed the writing and voice in this, but ended up without much of a clue as to what the story is about despite learning how a woman might change clothes while in her car. :)

So far, nothing seems to be going wrong for this character. Yes, she’s getting pushback from someone about a financial transaction, but that hardly seems like jeopardy. Fundamentally, this and most of the rest of the chapter is well-written setup.

As it often turns out, I found what was a strong hook and creator of story questions at the end of the chapter, the incident that the setup was leading up to. Here, slightly modified, is how I’d look at opening the story:

Mazie opened the email from the whistleblower service.

I wish I didn’t have to write this, but corporate needs to know what’s going on in South America. To start, employees have been giving bribes to customers to win business…

Her heart stalled a beat. Bribery? In South America? If the allegation was true and it had occurred on her watch, the company was screwed. Millions in fines, news of her failure dominating the headlines, and depending on the extent of the bad acts, maybe even… jail.

I’d definitely turn the page with an opening like this. Something has gone badly wrong that could impact her, and the stakes are high. The backstory and setup material can be woven in while Mazie begins to deal with the crisis. The scene needs to be set, but if the story starts here it doesn’t have to take place in her car and the spin class won’t be a factor. I’d look for a way to start here.

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2022 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2022 by Sharon.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.