Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist (PDF here)
- It begins to engage the reader with the character
- Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
- The character desires something.
- The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.
James sends the first chapter of Dog River. The rest of the chapter is after the break.
The day he paroled out of Dolph Briscoe prison, Joe Fane said goodbye to the other cons on his block, swapped his inmate whites for donated civvies, and reported to the discharge office. There, a matronly Corrections Officer motioned him to a seat; after verifying his prison ID, she dumped a cascade of paperwork from a manilla envelope onto her desk blotter.
"This is your discharge certificate," she said, pushing an official-looking document toward him, "and your civilian ID... social security card... bus voucher." On she went: drug test, gate money, until finally, as if to ensure that she'd not overlooked something, she gave the manilla envelope a shake.
Out fell a postcard. "Oh," she said. "You've got mail."
Joe glanced at the card. One side bore a touristy photo of a statue; the other a message scrawled in a shaky hand:
"Need you," it read. "Come soonest. Tell no one."
The card was signed with a capital "O," which could only mean Orrin Hauser. There was no date, and the postmark was smeared, leading Joe to wonder how much of his old mentor's "soonest" had ticked away.
The CO interrupted his thoughts: "Last thing.... Once you arrive in Houston, you have twenty-four hours to register at a parole office. Otherwise, that's a violation." She gave him a (snip)
The writing and voice are okay, and it’s kind of interesting to see someone being released from prison . . . but where’s a problem for this character to deal with? His life is getting better, right? And there’s no hint of trouble ahead, not in what happens, not in what he thinks.
This opening is setup. Much of the next few pages is that, backstory and exposition to fill the reader in . . . but no trouble. You ask me, James should open with a brief paragraph letting us know this guy is just out of prison, for example . . .
Joe Fane left the bus station behind him, free from the prison it had delivered him from. He took a deep breath and didn’t even mind the car exhaust fumes surrounding him, talking long strides to put that part of his past behind him as fast as possible. He turned the corner and smiled. Free.
. . . and then go to this narrative taken a few pages down:
A vehicle swung onto the street behind him, headlights casting his shadow on the sidewalk ahead. A junker, from the sound of its leaky muffler. It drew abreast and--Jesus, that racing stripe, the LeBaron . . .
A man hollered from an open window-- "Hey, Fane!" --and with a muted pop, a needle-sharp pain stabbed Joe's neck. A flaming-hot electric shock stunned his muscles. In soundless slow motion the sidewalk rose to meet him, and he smacked into the pavement, knowing he'd been Tasered.
It continues in a way that invites reading further. When you're assessing your first page, keep in mind the second item on the checklist: Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character. That's what the current opening lacks.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ. Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
- Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
- And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.
Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2021 by James.
My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.