Flogging the Quill

Happy Holidays

Taking a few days off, hope you can too. See you next week.

Ray

 

Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 378 Jane Bettany—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books may still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Here is the opening page of Without a Trace, a mystery. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.

The rain was relentless; cold and spiteful. Its stinging wetness slapped at Ruth Prendergast’s face as she dashed from her car towards the shelter of the porch. After putting down the groceries she was carrying, she pulled a key from her pocket, unlocked her front door, and hurried inside.

A warm, centrally heated fug closed around her as she stepped into the hallway. Ruth felt for the light switch and flicked it on, glancing censoriously at the scuffed paintwork and gloomy wallpaper. First impressions were important, and her hallway was definitely letting the side down.

After yanking a handful of junk mail from the teeth of the letterbox and hanging up her coat, she threw open the double doors to the living room and turned on more lights to brighten things up. Except for the ticking, clicking sound of the central heating radiators, the silence in the house was absolute.

Ruth had moved to Hollybrook Close three weeks earlier, and was struggling to adjust to the suburban seclusion of her new home. Weirdly, she missed the constant buzz of the traffic-infested main road where, until recently, she had lived with the man who was now her ex-husband.

At the end of the hallway, the kitchen door stood open. She went in and turned on the (snip)

You can read more here. This earned 3.5 stars on Amazon. A classic example of overwriting, something I cover in my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. Here, for example, is how the first paragraph could go:

The rain was relentless; cold and spiteful. Its stinging wetness slapped at Ruth Prendergast’s face as she dashed from her car towards the shelter of the porch. After putting down the groceries she was carrying, she pulled a key from her pocket, unlocked her front door, and hurried inside.

More than that, I don’t see hide nor hair of a story question, or of anything happening that raises tension. Someone comes home on a rainy day and she moved there three weeks ago? So? This needs an editor, a lot. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 377 Eva Bernhard—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books from BookBub. The challenge is if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here is the opening page of the prologue for Silent Sands, a mystery. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.

“She’s coming around.”

Words dimly penetrating. Searing pain wells up from her abdomen—obliterates time—fading away into damp darkness…

Time expands and contracts—separates like plasma. Heat scorches inside and out.

Drops pass lips cracked like dry mud. Dribble down her chin—slowly break a path down her throat, puddling in the hollow of her collarbones. Evaporates on sticky, sweltering skin. Not enough to still the craving for cooling relief.

Half-open eyes meet deep blue concern that melts into a smile.

“Took your sweet time,” greets her efforts to hone in to the now.

Calm features superimpose and exude serenity and kindness.

Nothingness settles in…

Mellow early morning light.

“You’ve made it, kid,” another smiling face intrudes, casts her into shadow.

“Don’t try to talk,” meets her move to part lips sticking fast, parched, and disused.

“She needs fluids. We need to get her to a hospital.”

“How the heck—”

The effort to shake her head makes it spin.

You can read more here. This earned 3.6 stars on Amazon. The writing is sound—I like spare narratives like this, short sentences to make it easy to get involved. I think the lack of a name here limits the degree of attachment a reader might feel, but there’s clearly a woman who is badly injured. What caused the injuries? Will she survive? Will who did this be caught? And on. Seemed like this warranted a further look. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1162 for James—will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

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James sends the first chapter of Dog River. The rest of the chapter is after the break.

The day he paroled out of Dolph Briscoe prison, Joe Fane said goodbye to the other cons on his block, swapped his inmate whites for donated civvies, and reported to the discharge office. There, a matronly Corrections Officer motioned him to a seat; after verifying his prison ID, she dumped a cascade of paperwork from a manilla envelope onto her desk blotter.

"This is your discharge certificate," she said, pushing an official-looking document toward him, "and your civilian ID... social security card... bus voucher." On she went: drug test, gate money, until finally, as if to ensure that she'd not overlooked something, she gave the manilla envelope a shake.

Out fell a postcard. "Oh," she said. "You've got mail."

Joe glanced at the card. One side bore a touristy photo of a statue; the other a message scrawled in a shaky hand:

"Need you," it read. "Come soonest. Tell no one."

The card was signed with a capital "O," which could only mean Orrin Hauser. There was no date, and the postmark was smeared, leading Joe to wonder how much of his old mentor's "soonest" had ticked away.

The CO interrupted his thoughts: "Last thing.... Once you arrive in Houston, you have twenty-four hours to register at a parole office. Otherwise, that's a violation." She gave him a (snip)

The writing and voice are okay, and it’s kind of interesting to see someone being released from prison . . . but where’s a problem for this character to deal with? His life is getting better, right? And there’s no hint of trouble ahead, not in what happens, not in what he thinks.

This opening is setup. Much of the next few pages is that, backstory and exposition to fill the reader in . . . but no trouble. You ask me, James should open with a brief paragraph letting us know this guy is just out of prison, for example . . .

Joe Fane left the bus station behind him, free from the prison it had delivered him from. He took a deep breath and didn’t even mind the car exhaust fumes surrounding him, talking long strides to put that part of his past behind him as fast as possible. He turned the corner and smiled. Free.

. . . and then go to this narrative taken a few pages down:

A vehicle swung onto the street behind him, headlights casting his shadow on the sidewalk ahead. A junker, from the sound of its leaky muffler. It drew abreast and--Jesus, that racing stripe, the LeBaron . . .

A man hollered from an open window-- "Hey, Fane!" --and with a muted pop, a needle-sharp pain stabbed Joe's neck. A flaming-hot electric shock stunned his muscles. In soundless slow motion the sidewalk rose to meet him, and he smacked into the pavement, knowing he'd been Tasered.

It continues in a way that invites reading further. When you're assessing your first page, keep in mind the second item on the checklist: Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character. That's what the current opening lacks.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2021 by James.

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My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 376 Kate Atkinson—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books may still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here is the opening page for Case Histories, a mystery. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.

How lucky were they? A heat wave in the middle of the school holidays, exactly where it belonged. Every morning the sun was up long before they were, making a mockery of the flimsy summer curtains that hung limply at their bedroom windows, a sun already hot and sticky with promise before Olivia even opened her eyes. Olivia, as reliable as a rooster, always the first to wake, so that no one in the house had bothered with an alarm clock since she was born three years ago.

Olivia, the youngest and therefore the one currently sleeping in the small back bedroom with the nursery-rhyme wallpaper, a room that all of them had occupied and been ousted from in turn. Olivia, as cute as a button they were all agreed, even Julia, who had taken a long time to get over being displaced as the baby of the family, a position she had occupied for five satisfying years before Olivia came along.

Rosemary, their mother, said that she wished Olivia could stay at this age forever because she was so lovable. They had never heard her use that word to describe any of them. They had not even realized that such a word existed in her vocabulary, which was usually restricted to tedious commands: come here, go away, be quiet, and—most frequent of all—stop that. Sometimes she would walk into a room or appear in the garden, glare at them, and say, Whatever it is you’re doing, don’t, and then simply walk away (snip)

You can read more here. This earned 4 stars on Amazon. While the writing and voice are good, the voice alone wasn’t enough to keep me moving. I need a hint of something happening or about to happen. Nothing here, no story questions. Interestingly, the blurb on Amazon says that this was called "The best mystery of the decade" by Stephen King. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.