Flogging the Quill:

Flogometer 1155 for Dennis—will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

Dennis sends the prologue for XRD: Daughter, science fiction.

Planet Crossroads (Designation: 9 Ceti XRD)

Synthea’s Secret Facility

March 19, 14 years after First Establishment (F.E.)

Reclined in the medbench, gown soaked in sweat, Synthea turned the anesth-disk on her thigh up to medium and sighed. Centuries of effort lay embodied on her chest: her first child. Cupping the newborn’s head, she felt its warmth and soft sparse hair. Now we are three.

Treasuring the moments, she gently swaddled the girl, carefully folding her bat-like wings inside the cloth. Then cradling her daughter, she rose, shifting her gown to conceal the anesth-disk.

There wasn’t much time left, but even just walking was excruciating. So the floor moved to assist, sliding them through the bright blank walls and rooms along their way.

They arrived at Daffyd’s altar-like biostasis chamber. Long ago, she’d opaqued its cover. Their experiments had rejuvenated her but ravaged him; as centuries passed, she couldn’t bear to look anymore.

But he’ll see this child. She initiated biostasis withdrawal, and a minute later, the chamber’s cover receded.

Daffyd, motionless, turned his eyes towards her. “How long?”

Looking into his eyes, still kind and clear in his ruined face, she smiled. “We’ve done it, Daffyd. Here, ” — she placed the baby on his chest, then lifted his withered arms — “hold her.”

Assisted by an extrusion from the chamber, he raised his head. “She’s adorable.” Struggling, he pulled back the swaddling. “Such cute wings. You’ll save the world with those, little girl.”

“Her name’s Hope. Not very original—”

This excerpt is more than the usual 17 lines to incorporate the technical “location” of the story. Personally, as a reader I always skip this kind of narrative, especially in the opening. The esoteric location has zero affect on what’s happening in the scene, IMO. I recommend the author leave this off until the manuscript is accepted somewhere. Capture the reader with story, not details that don’t really make much sense. I don’t have a clue as to what “Planet Crossroads (Designation: 9 Ceti XRD)” means.

There’s not much in the way of tension here—no problems, no jeopardy—but the nature of the birth and the child do raise story questions. The baby has bat-like wings? How? Why? Whatever is going on, the protagonist has been doing it for centuries, so what kind of world is this becomes a strong story question for a science fiction fan. I do think tension should be introduced in some way. A suggestion: the narrative tells us that there isn’t much time left. Time for what? It turns out the baby will be anesthesized soon. In that case, I think changing the line to “There wasn’t much time left for her child to live." or something to that effect could help.

The writing and voice are good, and you get the feeling that you’re in the hands of a good storyteller. Just give us some trouble, either now or coming, that the protagonist has to deal with and you’re off to a good start.

Your thoughts?

Ray

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

your title
your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Continue reading "Flogometer 1155 for Dennis—will you be moved to turn the page?" »

September 29, 2021 in Flogometer | Permalink | Comments (1)

Tags: book design, book doctor, book doctor, editing, editor, fiction craft, flogging , Flogometer, Rhamey

Flogometer 1154 for Christian — which is the strongest opening page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

Christian sends the first chapter of Age of Expansion.

Circa 3200 AD

Garret tapped three times on the hood of the car. Few drivers who approached the temple failed to comply with its well-established security measures, but dealing with the troublemakers was his job.

Isabella shot him a look. "Another one? It's the first day of the conference."

"I keep telling these people..." Garret muttered.

The window rolled down and the driver peeked out. "You fellas gonna open the gate?"

"ID or no entry. And this lovely lady right here is going to search your trunk."

"Sure, just a second."

Garret often envied the gatekeeper, remembering that if he had been the one born to the rich villages of the North, it would be him in front of the gate with the golden helmet, typing in a passcode every few minutes instead of dealing with the drivers. For all its high pay and prestige, being the gatekeeper was an easy job and far less dangerous. But Garret was a poor man, and the best shot a poor person had at advancement was by protecting a rich person.

As Isabella stepped around the side of the car, the door opened and the driver stepped out. Garret stepped up to the driver. "You'll have to stay in the car until we're done." As Garret took another step closer, the driver shoved him to the ground. He raised a gun and shot Isabella twice in the chest. Garret scrambled along the ground, reaching for his gun, but (snip)

I think this opening succeeds on creating tension and raising story questions. But it also lags when it shifts into setup exposition about the gatekeeper. For one thing, I’m not sure who the gatekeeper is. I assumed that it was Isabella, but on the next page, there he is. In setting the scene, the gatekeeper needs to be included, but only that far, as in “The gatekeeper eyed them from his position in front of the gate.” Leave out the background information from Garret, especially since it seems like he's just cannon fodder and is immediately blown away. There’s more action to come if you decide to turn the page.

Ray

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

your title
your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Continue reading "Flogometer 1154 for Christian — which is the strongest opening page?" »

September 22, 2021 in Flogometer | Permalink | Comments (3)

Flogometer 1153 for Richard — which is the strongest opening page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

Richard sends the first chapter of <em>We Met in Ithaca</em>.

Oscar woke up with an urge to draw. He had had such urges before. Over the years he had bought a dozen different sketch pads but had rarely used them. When downsizing for this move, he had discarded all of them, except one, the largest, 18 x 24, Strathmore, which was in his suitcase.

His urge was strong but non-specific — just an itch, but an itch he couldn't ignore. He didn't have art pencils, but he had an ordinary number 2. He waved the pencil over a blank page, with dramatic flair, like waving a magic wand.

What should he draw? Still life? Landscape? He wished he had a model. Would that he had taken life-drawing classes — to stare at naked women, in the flesh. With that kind of inspiration, he might have become an artist.

To his surprise, while he was thinking about what he should draw, he was already drawing, his hand was moving on its own. He watched with delight as, with broad strokes, he sketched the outline of a face, full frontal, then filled in eyes, nose, mouth, hair. He had never imagined drawing could be so easy.

A young woman with a mixture of innocence and experience, wounded, but not broken, with the grit to start over. Recently divorced. Mother of two; no, four children. She had married very young, a mistake. Her name was Penelope. Friends called her Penny. If he met her, he (snip)

I’m going to do a light edit after this opinion, so I’ll focus on what the issue with this is for me. It has to do with tension, with the storytelling. If you were to wonder what will happen next, the only think can think of is that he will stop drawing at some point. Well, maybe there is a story question hiding in the fact that he starts drawing without thinking about it. Is he being controlled by something supernatural? Possessed? But there’s really not a lot to suggest this as a possibility. This character is happy and doing something he likes. There are no hints of a problem ahead that he will need to tackle. I think this story starts later, perhaps in the next chapter. This is, at the least, backstory and exposition to set things up. Your thoughts?

Oscar woke up with an urge to draw. He had had such urges before. Over the years he had bought a dozen different sketch pads but had rarely used them. When downsizing for this move, he had discarded all of them, except one, the largest, 18 x 24, Strathmore, which was in his suitcase. (It wouldn’t hurt to set the scene a little. Where is he?)

His urge was strong but non-specific — just an itch, but an itch he couldn't ignore. He didn't have art pencils, but he had an ordinary number 2. He waved the pencil over a blank page, with dramatic flair, like waving a magic wand. (There’s a continuity glitch—he’s waving the pencil over a blank page, but the sketch pad is still in his suitcase.)

What should he draw? Still life? Landscape? He wished he had a model. Would that he had taken life-drawing classes — to stare at naked women, in the flesh. With that kind of inspiration, he might have become an artist. (Sounds a little dirty-old-manish to me)

To his surprise, while he was thinking about what he should draw, he was already drawing, his hand was moving on its own. He watched with delight as, with broad strokes, he sketched the outline of a face, full frontal, then filled in eyes, nose, mouth, hair. He had never imagined drawing could be so easy. I think he should think about this automatic drawing. He hasn’t experienced it before. I sure would wonder what was going on.

A young woman with a mixture of innocence and experience, wounded, but not broken, with the grit to start over. Recently divorced. Mother of two; no, four children. She had married very young, a mistake. Her name was Penelope. Friends called her Penny. If he met her, he (snip) (I think some sort of transition into this thinking would be helpful to let the reader ease into this description of the woman. Is this something that comes to him as he draws? For example: Her story grew out the sketch.)

Ray

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

your title
your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Continue reading "Flogometer 1153 for Richard — which is the strongest opening page?" »

September 17, 2021 in Flogometer | Permalink | Comments (3)

Flogometer 1152 for Rachel —do you want to read more?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

Rachel sends the first chapter of Tuyo, a fantasy adventure. She is different from most writers who submit to FtQ—she’s a published author. And she told me, “I'm fairly sure I can make you turn the page.”

Let’s see about that.

Beside the coals of the dying fire, within the trampled borders of our abandoned camp, surrounded by the great forest of the winter country, I waited for a terrible death.

I had been waiting since midday. Before long, dusk would fold itself across the land. The Lau must surely come soon. I faced south, so that my death would not ride up behind me on his tall horse and see my back and think that I was afraid to face him. Also, I did not want to look north because I did not want to see that trodden snow and remember my brother leaving me behind. That might have been a different kind of cowardice. But I could only face one direction. So I faced south.

The fire burned low. My brother had built it up with his own hands before he led our defeated warriors away. Now it was only embers, and the cold pressed against my back. I wished I could build the fire up again. Mostly that was what I thought about. That was as close to thinking about nothing as I could come. It was better than thinking about the Lau. I hoped they came before the fire burned out, or I might freeze to death before they found me. Even an Ugaro will die of the cold eventually, without fire or shelter.

I tried not to hope that I would die before they found me.

Then I heard them, the hoofbeats of their horses, and there was no more time for hope. I held very still, though stillness would not protect me now. Nothing would protect me. I was not (snip)

Tuyo gets 4.6 stars on Amazon. Right away I felt I was in the hands of a pro. Strong voice, good writing. If you look at the checklist, you’ll see much of it reflected in this brief page. Setting the scene: check. Something has gone wrong for the character: check. Peril with high stakes: check. Something is happening: check.

The only desire we see is for him not to freeze . . . but to live has to be an underlying desire. Here, action is his inaction, his will to wait for death rather than flee. As for story questions, the narrative offers more than one. For me, plenty of reasons to read on.

A recommendation for you. I did read on . . . and on . . . and on. This is the first in a series, three novels so far. They were, for me, compelling. I hardly put them down for a week. The novels are available for free to Kindle Unlimited members. If you go for it, I suggest you read the third novel second—it’s a direct extension of the story in book 1 while the other is not, though it takes place in the same world. I do hope you’ll check them out. Your thoughts?

Ray

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

your title
your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

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Flogometer 1155 for Dennis—will you be moved to turn the page?

Flogometer 1154 for Christian — which is the strongest opening page?

Flogometer 1153 for Richard — which is the strongest opening page?

Flogometer 1152 for Rachel —do you want to read more?

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