Flogging the Quill

Out of it

My internet has been out since last Thursday, so no post today. Hopefully will be restored tomorrow.

Ray

Flogometer 1151 for Jane — which is the strongest opening page

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

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Bobby Jim lied to me and it took two months to find out. The clues were there, but he was thirty-three and until he quit telling me the truth, he was no trouble at all. It started with a phone call at seven o’clock in the evening.

“Hi Mom,” he said. “There’s a terrible snowstorm here.” Lie number one. “I think I’ll grab a room and leave early in the morning.” Lie number two.

Earlier that day I had sent him to Vale to take an old cancer-eyed cow to the sale. Then he was supposed to go to Bruneau and pick up three bulls from the Hirsh Ranch. He left at six o’clock in the morning, driving my Ford three quarter ton pickup. He was pulling the six-horse trailer. I figured he would get home around eight-thirty that night if he didn’t get to visiting at the sale yard. Now this.

“You’re just now in Bruneau?” I asked.

“Yep, it was slow going.” Lie number three.

“What about the bulls, have you talked to Fred Hirsch?”

“I just got off the phone. Hey Mom, you’re breaking up…” Probably lie number four. I settled myself in my old leather recliner, a glass of Pendleton whiskey on the rocks in one hand and the remote in the other. I knew I would fall asleep there, so I set the alarm on my end table for my midnight heifer check.

Okay, good voice and writing, nice to see. There’s mild tension in the references to lying but, without context, you can’t assign importance or stakes. Is it a betrayal? She doesn’t seem to think so. And she doesn’t react at him, and that suggests that it’s not a serious issue. With "why’s he lying" as the only story question, with no jeopardy or stakes giving it oomph, this opening page doesn’t reach page-turn level for me.

The rest of the chapter is also well-written, but no more story questions come up. It’s all pretty much stage-setting (some call it “throat-clearing”) and not much reason to read on. I think this story starts later. The information here can be woven into something happening that creates story. As Steven James says, there’s no story until something goes wrong. Not much going wrong here. I'd love to see the part where the story begins. Your thoughts?

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2021 by Jane.

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My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 371 Janni Lee Simner—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books may still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here are the first 17 lines of the opening page for Bones of Faerie. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.

I had a sister once. She was a beautiful baby, eyes silver as moonlight off the river at night. From the hour of her birth she was long-limbed and graceful, faerie-pale hair clear as glass from Before, so pale you could almost see through to the soft skin beneath.

My father was a sensible man. He set her out on the hillside that very night, though my mother wept and even old Jayce argued against it. “If the faerie folk want her, let them take her,” Father said. “If not, the fault’s theirs for not claiming one of their own.” He left my sister, and he never looked back.

I did. I crept out before dawn to see whether the faeries had really come. They hadn’t, but some wild creature had.

One glance was all I could take. I turned and ran for home, telling no one where I’d been.

We were lucky that time, I knew. I’d heard tales of a woman who bore a child with a voice high and sweet as a bird’s song—and with the sharp claws to match. No one questioned that baby’s father when he set the child out to die, far from our town, far from where his wife lay dying, her insides torn and bleeding.

Magic was never meant for our world, Father said, and of course I’d agreed, though the War had ended and the faerie folk returned to their own places before I was born. If only they’d never stirred from those places—but it was no use thinking that way.

You can read more here. This earned 4.4 stars on Amazon and is a number 1 bestseller in their Folklore & Mythology category. This opening drops us into an interesting fantasy world. The character is sympathetic, and the things she relates horrific, especially the actions of her father. And her reaction to what he did raises questions about her. I think the “what happens to the girl now?” story question is a strong one. This narrative is also good, strong writing with an attractive voice. I felt I was in good storytelling hands. I'm tempted to buy this one. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 370 Peter May—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books may still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here are the first 17 lines of the opening page (a prologue) for The Night Gate. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.

Emile Narcisse is pleased by his appearance. Vanity has always been a weakness. Where, perhaps, others see him as just another old man, he still perceives himself as the young Emile whose smile won hearts, whose blue-eyed looks turned heads. And after all, sixty-five is not so old. Vintage. Like a good wine, some men just get better with age. Were he not so focused on his reflection in the mirror as he adjusts his tie and straightens his collar, he might have been able to look beyond it and see the certainty of death that lies in wait. But pride and greed blind him to his fate.

He has chosen a room at the back of the hotel with a view of the river. Or, rather, its black slow-moving backwater broken only by the reflection of trees on the sliver of island beyond. On the far side of the island the River Dordogne, swollen by recent rains, makes a stately but more rapid progress towards the Atlantic two hundred and fifty kilometres to the west. But it is dark now, and he can see nothing beyond the glass.

He glances at his watch. Time to go. He feels a tiny, excited frisson of anticipation. But also doubt. Is it really possible that fate could have sent such good fortune his way? It is hard to believe. And, yet, here he is.

Floorboards creak softly beneath his shoes as he descends lightly to reception. The hotel is quiet, the tourist season a distant memory. A notice on the counter reminds customers that the (snip)

You can read more here. This earned 4.5 stars on Amazon. Not much in the way of story to go on here. There’s the tiny hint of “death that lies in wait,” but that could mean at the end of his natural life span, nothing immediate. Other than that, we have musing (see the fourth item in the checklist above) some description of a river in the dark, and not much more. This wasn’t enough to reel me in. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 369 Cheryl Bradshaw—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books may still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here are the first 17 lines of the opening page for Cottonmouth, a thriller. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.

It had been a long, arduous half hour for Tiffany Wheeler, and she feared it would get worse before it got better. Her boyfriend, Russell, stood a few feet away, his head cocked to the side, eyes wild. He brushed a lock of his black hair out of his eye, unbuttoned his suit jacket, and stared at her the way he always did right before his blood reached its boiling point and was about to bubble over.

“What do you mean you don’t want to live in LA anymore?” he asked. “Why not?”

“I’ve already told you why,” she said. “I’m tired of the fast-paced life. I want to move back home.”

“You said you were coming here to do a few simple renovations to this house before you listed it,” he said. “I get here and the place is a flipping disaster. You’ve torn down walls, gutted the kitchen. What gives?”

Tiffany remained quiet, considering the best way to proceed. It didn’t matter what she said. Russell was used to getting his way, something he wouldn’t get tonight.

He was in denial.

She was avoiding what had still been left unsaid.

Confrontation of any kind had always been difficult between them in the two years they’d been together. Russell was used to the high life, climbing the corporate ladder, and taking any (snip)

You can read more here. This earned 4.7 stars on Amazon. Well, the woman character is sympathetic as someone dealing with a hostile male. It definitely looks like conflict is ahead, promising a problem for her. So, on the basis of story questions, this opening has some reasons to evoke interest. But the stakes aren’t known. Worse, and a bad sign for the reader, the opening page ends with a side trip to exposition, to backstory. If there’s more of that ahead, I don’t want it. So I’ll pass on that basis. Too bad, as she discovers a body in a wall in a few pages. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 368 Erin Ruddy—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books may still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here are the first 17 lines of the opening page for Cottonmouth, a thriller. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.

Ellie opened her eyes. Tried to move but couldn’t. It was dark, and her vision was cloudy. She was able to make out the square case of a window. Curtains drawn, flaccid. A single wooden chair. She was lying on a wrought-iron bed.

She lifted her head, felt a wave of nausea roll through her. Remembered the noxious cloth. She wiggled her wrists and ankles. Something was binding them — something sharp and unyielding. Plastic cable ties.

She tried to scream, but the sound came out as a muffled moan.

Where am I? Who did this?

Light splashed the wall as someone entered an unseen door.

“Hello, Ellie,” a deep voice said. “Do you know how long I’ve been dreaming about this moment?”

She knew she couldn’t respond, not with the gag filling her mouth. But she tried anyway, releasing a series of stifled sobs.

“There, there,” the man said, stepping into view. The bed frame shifted as he eased himself next to her. “You’ll have your chance to speak soon enough. But first I’d like to get properly reacquainted. It’s been so long.” He paused, gazing into her eyes. “Man, what a surprise it was to see you driving by after all these years … you, of all people. I recognized you instantly. (snip)

You can read more here. This earned 4 stars on Amazon. Other than the creep factor of yet another woman being the object of a sick man, this opening does raise good story questions as it introduces a sympathetic character. It hits the checkmarks, now it’s up to the appeal of the story to determine whether to spend 99 cents or not. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a free BookBubber 367 Al Macy—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books may still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here are the first 17 lines of the opening page for Damaging Evidence. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.

If I failed to deliver a convincing closing argument, my client would get twenty-five to life.

“Everyone is waiting, Mr. Goodlove.” Judge Ulrich seemed surprised that I hadn’t stood up, but he always looked surprised, with a mouth that hung open and eyes that bugged out of his head. He had some kind of thyroid condition that gave him his perpetual look of astonishment.

“I’m sorry, Your Honor, may I have another minute to confer with my partner?”

“Please make it brief.”

“Confer” wasn’t the right word. Quarrel, squabble, or bicker is more like it. Jen Shek and I had worked closely for seven years, ever since I stole her from the public defender’s office in 2013. Lately we’d been disagreeing more and enjoying it less.

“Garrett, you can’t simply ignore Slater’s points,” she whispered. “The jury isn’t stupid. They’ll notice.”

Derek Slater, my frenemy, was the prosecutor. He was the DA’s best, a fifty year old whose rugged good looks took a hit from his bulbous nose and slight weight problem. Jurors liked him, which was unfortunate for our side.

I’d never say it out loud, but Jen was cutest when angry. Is that sexist? Born of a Japanese mother and a Chinese father, her delicate features and penetrating brown eyes turned (snip)

You can read more here. This earned 4.5 stars on Amazon. The opening line was a good hook, but things petered out after that. The author spent valuable narrative on descriptions of bulbous noses and a cute woman instead of creating story questions. A fail for me. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 366 Sean Lynch—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books may still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here are the first 17 lines of the opening page for Cottonmouth, a Western. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.

Sarpy County, Nebraska, five miles east of Papillion

March 1874

The reverend reined his wagon to a halt. Four men on horseback were blocking the road ahead. All were wearing town suits and bowlers, and he’d never seen any of them before. They were also wearing revolvers in shoulder holsters, which were plainly visible under their open riding jackets.

“Top of the mornin’ to you, Reverend Hoskins,” the oldest of the riders said. He tipped his hat.

“Do I know you gentlemen?” Reverend Hoskins said.

“No,” the man said. “But we know you. You’re Charles Hoskins, the pastor of the Baptist church in town. We know your family, too. Sitting next to you is your wife, Mary, your daughter, Maura, and your wee little son, Charles junior.”

“How, exactly, do you know all this?” Hoskins asked.

“Why,” the man said, “you’re famous, Reverend. Your sermons are all the rage. They’re right popular with the railroad laborers in these parts. Especially the ones where you call for all the workers to band together, hold out for more money, and strike iffen they don’t get what they want from Brody’s railroad company. Those sermons are real barn burners, so I’m told.”

“Now I know who you are,” Hoskins said, making no effort to hide his contempt. “You’re Quincy Agency men, aren’t you? Cottonmouth Quincy sent you to intimidate me into (snip)

You can read more here. This earned 4.5 stars on Amazon. Westerns were a huge part of my reading diet when I was a boy, so I’m always interested in what’s being done in the genre these days. In case the cover wasn’t clear on the point, a cottonmouth is a poisonous snake well known in Texas and most of the South.

I like the way the author uses what appears to be a simple listing of the family members to create a sense of menace, for there could not be a good reason for the way this gunman identifies them. The sarcastic description by the antagonist of the reverend’s sermons adds to the sense of jeopardy, and the last line makes it clear. Seemed worth reading more to me. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 365 James Lovegrove—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books may still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here are the first 17 lines of the opening page for Age of Legends, a thriller. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.

THE SOLDIERS MOVED in a line through Hyde Park, sweeping east to west. Each was separated from the next by a gap of five yards, strictly maintained. When one of them spied a target, the soldier shot without hesitating. The sound of rifle discharges rippled across the park, sometimes single reports, sometimes clusters, like a mad drummer struggling to keep the beat.

Every time a 5.56mm round found its mark, a parakeet toppled out of a tree or plummeted from the sky in an explosion of feathers. The lawns were soon littered with mangled bird bodies and drifts of jade green plumage.

A few of the parakeets had fled at the first sign of gunfire, seeking sanctuary in roosts at the top of neighbouring buildings. The majority, however, stayed put, frightened by the noise but failing to recognise what it signified. For several generations the flocks of parakeets had lived in the park unmolested, their only enemy the occasional peregrine falcon. They were tame by the standards of wild birds. Their forebears had all been caged creatures which had either escaped from captivity or been released by their owners when the cost of upkeep became too high, and this domestication remained somehow inbred, a hereditary conditioning. The parakeets simply weren’t prepared for a slaughter.

The media outlets were not calling it a slaughter, of course. The preferred word was “cull”, usually prefaced by “necessary”. The government’s own press statement referred to it as (snip)

You can read more here. This earned 4.3 stars on Amazon. This opening, with its bizarre action, led me to think of the world of a story as a character. In that sense, we are here being introduced to a strange and, for me, interesting character. There’s no jeopardy or standard tension here, but it sure does manage, for me, to raise rousing story questions. What is going on here? Why are they shooting parakeets? What will happen next in this uncommon world?

In addition, the writing and voice are professional, the narrative clean, and that says we’re in good hands with this writer. I was moved to turn the page and, as a result, ended up buying the book. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 364 Wendy Dranfield—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books may still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Here are the first 17 lines of the opening page for Shadow Falls, a thriller. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.

Prologue

January 2000—Austin, Texas

“Nathaniel Monroe, I’m arresting you on suspicion of murder. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in court. You have the right to talk to a lawyer for advice before we ask you any questions…”

Nate zones out. He can’t listen to this cop arresting him when the woman he loves is dead on the ground at their feet. He forces himself to look down at Stacey. Her eyes are staring but unseeing. Her long hair is matted in a red puddle, and under the harsh fluorescent light, he can make out blood spatter on the garage wall, clinging on amongst the DIY tools. Her body is still here, but everything that makes her Stacey is long gone.

His head swims; she’ll never say his name again, she’ll never kiss him and tell him she can’t wait to get married. She’ll never infuriate him again.

“… If you decide to answer questions now, without a lawyer present, you have the right to stop answering at any time. You understand?”

Nate slowly turns to look at the black, uniformed officer who has cuffed his bloodstained hands together. They’re probably the same age, around twenty-one, but because of the body on the floor, their lives will play out completely differently. “This isn’t happening.”

The cop raises his eyebrows and nods to Stacey’s lifeless body. “Actually, it already happened.”

You can read more here. This earned 4.4 stars on Amazon. From a story question point of view, I think this works pretty well. And the writing, though it could use a little editing, works as well. This is a prologue, but it is a scene with some tension in it. And, if you read just a little further, the handcuffed man sees the parish priest with an expression on his face that causes this last paragraph:

What’s left of Nate’s faith dissolves as he realizes what Father Connor has done.

Now there’s a story question raiser. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.