Flogging the Quill

Flogometer 1149 for Jan — which is the strongest opening page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Cage sends the first chapter of The Union Laundress, historical fiction. The rest of the chapter is after the break.

A different approach today. I’m going to give you the first page of the manuscript and then a different way to open the story from later in the manuscript. The poll is about which makes the strongest opening. Thanks for helping this writer.

Alternative #1

By the second spring of the War of Northern Aggression, I’d not yet learned that he who controlled Winchester controlled the course of the war. It was a lesson I would come to know well.

In the beginning, General Jackson, quartering nearby, had protected us – shielding us from hostilities and enabling the patina of civility to endure. But in the winter of 1861 an immense enemy army under General Banks began to arrive, and by March Stonewall had been forced to leave. Left defenseless, we were occupied by the enemy for the first of what would be many times, and the patina began to wear away.

It was a benign experience as such things go. Confident they'd chased General Jackson from the Valley, the Yanks had kept mostly to themselves, spending every moment in vigilance in the forts, and other than the occasional jarring sight of Federals in the streets we hardly knew they were about. But General Jackson had not been chased away, and when he at last grew tired of the stench of bluecoats he attacked, driving the larger force to Kernstown, four miles south, where they finally stopped and turned to face him.

“There’s been a battle!” In time, we wouldn’t even need to hear the words; the distant heat-thunder rumble of artillery, the pealing of church bells announcement enough. In time, we would know that the mangled debris of that bloodletting was on its way to us, to Winchester. But (snip)

Alternative #2

“You there, dutchman!”

My heart started pounding. Irma’s grip on my hand tightened. My father looked at me. “Say nothing.” We turned to face a menacing group of soldiers arrayed on the plank sidewalk. Pa stepped forward, between the Yankee ruffians and us. “Well, hello! Sergeant Taylor, isn't it?”

“You owe me for that cookstove!” The speaker was short, not much taller than my father, but, red-faced with venom and surrounded by his henchmen, infinitely deadly.

A crowd was gathering. Pa turned to me. “Agatha, take Irma—”

“Shut up! I'm talking to you!” Stinking with alcohol, the Yank weaved as he scowled at my father. “You charged me ten dollars! The way I figure it that's five dollars too much!”

Pa nodded genially. “Why don't you come by later and we'll talk. We’ll have a drink or two…” He reached for Irma’s hand. “Come along, girls.”

“I'm done talking! Overcharging the army is a Federal offense. You're under arrest!” The soldiers seized my father, pushing Irma and me aside and sending our packages flying. Irma fled to safety behind a lady’s skirts as one of them, just a boy, shoved me. I tripped and fell, scraping my hands painfully. Furious, I scrambled to my feet and went after him, striking him with all my might. Surprised and uncertain what to do, he grabbed my arms and held them, dodging my kicks, as the others laughed. I couldn’t see Pa, hidden from my view by the protesting crowd, but (snip)

I think you can guess which opening I think is the strongest. While the historical part of historical fiction is a critical element, setting it all up on the first page doesn’t yield a grabber. The historical information that’s necessary can be taken from the exposition in alternative #1 and woven into the story that starts with alternative #2 as things happen. I’ve done the same kind of thing with one of my novels, and I know you can do it. Comments, anyone? It would help the writer to hear why you made the choice you did.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2021 by Jan.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flogometer 1148 for Cage — would you turn this page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Cage sends the first chapter of Blackened Rose. The rest of the chapter is after the break.

Dull streetlight backlit the scene, and the low wattage wall sconces presented Black as a silhouette, a shade within the darkness, a deeper shadow. Something to fear. He liked to let people know who they were dealing with, and the light play was a clear reminder of what he represented.

This time, the lack of light annoyed him and revealed nothing of his visitor’s features.

Petite. A touch of belligerence in the stiff neck and clenched hands. Cotton gloves. A skin condition?

What she wanted was a little thing, specific. Find who ratted on her dad. Which was not what Black did. People called Black in to fix problems, not investigate. He was the last stage in the game. Not a player, an end-game move to wipe the board clean.

What would this young woman know of his world, the underbelly of society?

Black nodded as she spoke, observed her with all his senses. He created a gentle probe, an unseen representation of an open-palmed hand to caress the edges of her energy field, and floated it toward her. It ground to a halt at the outer shell, a long way from the physical outline.

She presented like a real person, but the lack of affect was an anomaly. The external presentation of a warm and sensual being was less substantial than the shadows from the play (snip)

The writing is fine (except for the repetition of “presented”). The narrative subtly lets us know that Black has some sort of extrasensory ability, perhaps telepathy. For a scifi reader like me, that’s a good thing.

But what about story questions? There’s no real tension here, no action that jeopardizes anyone. The narrator isn’t called upon to do something to prevent trouble to himself. Perhaps his thinking that this isn’t his usual gig is a low-key promise of complications ahead, but it’s pretty low. I think that the taste of extrasensory powers and a solid voice could be enough to get a page turn . . . or not. As I write this, I’m not sure where I come out. I do wish there was a clear story question that concerned trouble for Black. Your thoughts?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2021 by Sherri.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 358 Scott Bell—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books may still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here are the first 17 lines of the first chapter of Working Stiffs. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.

The three dead guys on the freight elevator had a personal odor reminiscent of vomit with an undertone of road kill.

“You freaks need to stand in the rain, you know that? Take a shower.” My formerly living companions swayed with the motion of the elevator but kept their thoughts on hygiene to themselves. One of the three, whose name tag read “Larry,” belched—an editorial comment or random gas bubble? Hard to say.

Sixty-seven more floors of asphyxiation. Why their owner didn’t wash down his Revivants was a mystery. They didn’t decay like regular dead people; if they did, body parts would be strewn around the city like the remnants of a jihadi bomb factory.

Take shallow breaths.

I adjusted my stolen waiter’s jacket to hide Grandpa’s old bullet-firing pistol. The weapon made my pants sag. Since I quit eating anything more solid than tomato soup prepared from ketchup packets, everything—including a sudden change in barometric pressure—made my pants slide down.

Dampness blotched the jacket’s red sleeve from the cold sweat off my forehead. C’mon, Joe, pull it together.

Two of the Revvies rode in silence. Larry, the talker, vaguely resembled a classic (snip)

You can read more here. This earned 4.6 stars on Amazon. I liked the way the narrative immediately immersed us in the story world with something happening. Yeah, I know it’s just a guy riding an elevator, but it’s with three dead guys, and he’s carrying a pistol. Definite promise of action and story questions are up ans running. I liked the voice, too, which promises more fun. Worked for me. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

The cover didn’t do a lot for me. The visual, other than the silhouette of a man, is difficult to figure out. The title and author name are fine, but the design didn’t add to my interestd. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1147 for Sherri — would you turn this page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Sherri sends the first chapter of Mission Accomplished. The rest of the chapter after the break.

“I still don’t feel right about this,” Sara said, pulling Jaine into a tight grip at the entrance to the Sea-Tac airport security line that was growing longer by the second.

Jaine patted her sister-in-law’s back with one hand while the other gripped the handle of her carry-on so hard she expected to hear it crack. Once she’d made up her mind about something, attempts by anyone to derail the plan only intensified her desire to accomplish it.

“I appreciate your concern, Sara, but I’m ready to do it or I wouldn’t be going,” she said, easing out of her grip.

Sara flipped tears from her lashes with a fingertip that showed she’d been biting her nails again. “But it’s only been nine months. It’ll be hard to see his stuff, touch it, smell it.”

“I went through his stuff at our condo and at his office. The cabin is no different.”

“Yes, but here you had friends and family around to help and to talk through the feelings that came up. You won’t have anyone at the cabin.”

Yes, her friends had been her life support through those first long, numb weeks of grief, when the ability to sleep or eat or breathe had all but vanished. But she soon grew uncomfortable with the maudlin condolences, pitiful back pats, and sad-eyed looks that had become her world since donning the ill-fitting widow’s cloak. Most of all, she grew weary with talking about her feelings.

The writing is solid and the voice inviting. But think for a moment about what happens here. Two friends talk about an upcoming trip one of them is taking. One worries her friend will be upset, the other is fine with going and not worried at all. That’s it. While there are hints of something that may or may not create tension in the future narrative, but that falls short of creating any story questions, any tension that will propel me to turning the page.

I did read the rest of the chapter, and a vague menace does rise at the end . . . but the protagonist still has yet to have to deal with a problem that has meaningful stakes. The rest of the chapter was similar in that it was primarily exposition, backstory, and setup. I’m hoping the second chapter holds the actual start of the actual story. Considering the writing, that could be good to read. Your thoughts?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2021 by Sherri.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 357 Carol Caverly—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books may still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A set of three cozy mystery novels for 99 cents could be a terrific bargain. Here are the first 17 lines of the first chapter of the first book, All the Old Lions. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.

I felt duty-bound to rebel.

Being a born and bred city person, Chicago was my security blanket and I resented being sent out to the western wilderness on a fool’s errand—Roger should have gone himself.

Of course, my rebellion meant nothing to Roger Sweeney, President, self-serving head honcho, overweening Grand Muckity-Muck of the Sweeney Publishing Group. As the tides of fortune would have it, Roger was also my boss and a distant, but reluctantly claimed, cousin.

I’d barely had a chance to say a word before he started bellowing.

“Look here, Thea Barlow, I didn’t give you a job so you could sit around on your butt deciding what you will and won’t do. You work for me, remember?”

Nepotism is not all it’s cracked up to be.

Roger had been obnoxious as a child and hadn’t improved much with age. Taller, of course, and the baby fat had solidified decently enough, though he was still soft around the middle—something I liked to remind him of, now and then. Whatever had made me think we could work together?

I like to believe my opinion of Roger has nothing to do with his being three years younger than my twenty-eight, and a hot-shot MBA in complete control of his own little world. A year ago I could have honestly said there wasn’t a jealous bone in my body. Now, I’m as (snip)

You can read more here. This earned 4.5 stars on Amazon. It shows its coziness right off with a leisurely approach to the narrative, easing us into the world of Thea. There’s a little tension between her and Roger. But not much in the way of story questions. The voice is attractive, though—I enjoyed the notion of nepotism not being all it’s cracked up to be. On the strength of voice, I looked further. The voice continues to be nice, but there’s a lot of setup. I’m not sure the voice alone is enough to make me spend even so tiny a sum as 99 cents. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Highly recommended novel

I want to give a shout-out for a fine novel by an editing client. It was a pleasure to work on this story, Blurring Reality, a science fiction thriller with a female lead protagonist who is all you could ask for in a character--and more, considering an amazing ability she has.

Please check it out. For anyone who likes science fiction, this is a darned good read, a lot of fun. Paperback is here, Kindle is here.

Best,

Ray