Flogging the Quill

Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 355 Hannah West—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books may still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here are the first 17 lines of Chapter 1 of Kington of Ash and Briar, a fantasy story. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.

Each icy gust bit me to the bone. A daydream of roasting next to a fire in the kitchens while eating fistfuls of hot, flaky bread made the cold feel even harsher, the wind wetter and my stomach all the more empty. But the thought of death made me coldest of all.

I took inventory of my kidnappers’ weapons. Two were armed with daggers while the other two carried bows and fully stocked quivers. Maybe they would cut me open like a sack of flour or snap my neck like a fattened, frantic chicken. Maybe they would leave me to freeze to death and I wouldn’t be found until spring.

“You’ll get no ransom, if that’s what you want,” I said to Hagan, the redheaded gardener. My arms were wrapped around his freckle-spotted neck, numb from taking the brunt of the snowy gusts. My teeth chattered so often I could barely prize them open to force out the words. “You ought to have kidnapped the lord and lady’s daughter. You could have asked a fine price for Hazel.”

Hagan snorted with laughter. “Aye, if I managed not to kill her in the meantime. I wouldn’t go to that trouble for a thousand aurions.”

“But you know Patsy doesn’t have the means to purchase my freedom, and the lord and lady aren’t going to pay a thousand aurions for me, or even fifty.”

Hagan shifted my weight on his back, hooking his arms under my knees. His bow dug (snip)

You can read more here. This earned 4.2 stars on Amazon. The voice is inviting and the writing sound and flows smoothly. We’re introduced quickly to a sympathetic character who is already in deep trouble. If there’s anything missing from this first page, it is setting the scene in the forest where they are. But that’s not much of an issue as we know they’re outdoors in freezing weather. The story questions are good and strong: why is this happening? Will she be okay? I did turn the page and then bought the story as I like fantasy, and this one is promising. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

For me, cover is artful but not strong. The image evokes mood and gives a hint that a female is the focus of the story. While clear, there’s no reason the author’s name can’t be stronger. Same goes for the title. Perhaps a color for the font would help, something to contrast with the grays and blues of the scene. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 355 Al Pessin—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books may still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here are the first 17 lines of Chapter 1 of Blowback, billed as a thriller. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.

The six-man Special Ops team slipped into the village at two a.m., walking almost silently along the edge of the hard-packed dirt road past the ramshackle one-room houses, trying not to disturb the sleeping dogs. The men were all in black, with night vision goggles protruding from their helmets and M4 assault rifles at the ready. The thin mountain air was cold, and their breath, steady and even in spite of the long climb from the landing zone, turned to fog. Clouds obscured the moon—always a good thing.

GPS indicated their target was forty meters ahead.

* * *

Thirty-five hundred miles to the west, a young man walked along a very different road in a nondescript residential neighborhood of South London.

It was well into a cold, drizzly evening as he rounded the corner, twenty minutes from the Underground station where he’d gotten off the train.

Mahmoud wore black jeans, a dark green T-shirt, and a black jacket. His baseball cap and backpack were gray, and the cap bore no team logo. He pulled it down to his eyebrows as he turned into the wind. Mahmoud found the spot he had scouted between the light circles of two lampposts and checked his phone. Three bars, just as before. He turned into a dark alcove between two houses and wedged himself into a small space behind their dumpsters. He dialed the (snip)

You can read more here. This earned 4.6 stars on Amazon. The opening paragraph promises action and trouble ahead for the soldiers. One little note: I think it could have been strengthened if we had known that this is an Afghan village. That would orient us immediately. This starts with a good story question or two—what is their mission, will they succeed?

The second part is less specific, but the behavior of the young man and his name suggest a possible terrorist. If we had known the village was Afghan, I think we’d have been certain. While there is no jeopardy clearly ahead for him, the juxtaposition of this narrative with the soldiers on the attack leave me to think that there are more action and violent events to come. What are they?

I was intrigued enough to go to the Look Inside page and read more. As a result, I bought the book. This is rare for me to do, I work hard at getting free books. But this one was promising. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

Strong reds and oranges, an explosion, a soldier with a gun advancing . . . this cover delivers a strong promise of what’s inside. The title is fine, but I would have made the author name pop a lot more. That’s his brand, and it should be strong. A good cover, overall. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 354 Daryl Wood Gerber—does this first page work for you?

Change in flogging focus:In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost, starting with the 99¢ variety, although interesting free books may still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here are the first 17 lines of Chapter 1 of Cold Conviction. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.

I awoke with a jolt, heart pounding. A nightmare hadn’t startled me. What had? I ran my fingers through my hair and peered at the bedroom window, which was open a crack. When I slept, I liked to drink in Lake Tahoe’s crisp, pine-scented air. To calm myself now, I listened to the distant swish of the lake’s waves lapping the shore and the breeze whistling through the pines. There was no other sound. Not even a nocturnal critter skittering on the cabin’s rear patio.

The cordless telephone jangled.

My insides reeled. I struggled to a sitting position, switched on the lamp on the nightstand—the clock read two a.m.—lifted the cordless telephone’s receiver, and pressed Talk.

“Aspen, I didn’t do it,” Rosie rasped.

My older sister, an addict who was known to ramble. Had I sensed she would call? Was that why I’d awakened?

I stifled a yawn. Yesterday had been a long, trying day. Today, Wednesday, was going to prove even longer if I didn’t get more sleep. “What are you talking about, Rosie?”

“It wasn’t my fault.” She didn’t slur her words. She sounded sober. And she was pacing. I heard her lumbering footsteps. “It wasn’t my fault,” she repeated, her voice barely a whisper.

I pressed the receiver tightly to my ear. “Speak up. What wasn’t your fault?”

Cinder, my rescue dog, gazed at me from the foot of the bed. I signaled for him to settle down.

You can read more here. This earned 4.7 stars on Amazon. What with leading off with a cliché and then adding overwriting to the narrative, I was immediately discouraged. For a story question, I guess it’s what is it that Rosie is talking about. With not much in the way of stakes, it’s not much of a story question.

This one calls out for a quick edit:

I awoke with a jolt, heart pounding. A nightmare hadn’t startled me. What had? I ran my fingers through my hair and peered at the bedroom window, which was open a crack. When I slept, I liked to drink in Lake Tahoe’s crisp, pine-scented air. To calm myself now, I listened to the distant swish of the lake’s waves lapping the shore and the breeze whistling through the pines. There was no other sound. Not even a nocturnal critter skittering on the cabin’s rear patio. Pounding hearts are such cliches. You're a writer, find a fresh way to say this. Fingers in hair affect nothing, storywise. Overwriting.

The cordless telephone jangled. How does "cordless" matter? Overwriting.

My insides reeled. I struggled to a sitting position, switched on the lamp on the nightstand—the clock read two a.m. I answered.—lifted the cordless telephone’s receiver, and pressed Talk. It's usually heads that reel (cliche). And there's no need for all those words describing how to operate a phone. Overwriting.

“Aspen, I didn’t do it,” Rosie rasped. Using a dialogue tag as description usually isn't a good idea. For example, how about: Her voice raspy, my sister Rosie said, "I . . . etc.

My older sister, an addict who was known to ramble. Had I sensed she would call? Was that why I’d awakened?

I stifled a yawn. Yesterday had been a long, trying day. Today, Wednesday, was going to prove even longer if I didn’t get more sleep. “What are you talking about, Rosie?”

“It wasn’t my fault.” She didn’t slur her words. She sounded sober. And she was pacing. I heard her lumbering footsteps. “It wasn’t my fault,” she repeated, her voice barely a whisper.

I pressed the receiver tightly to my ear. “Speak up. What wasn’t your fault?”

Cinder, my rescue dog, gazed at me from the foot of the bed. I signaled for him to settle down. What? This is a suspense novel and on the first page we're spending time introducing a dog that isn't doing anything? Overwriting times two.

Your thoughts?

Cover critique

Color is good, and the photo creates a mood appropriate for a suspense novel. I would ding the designer on the title, though—the red font is almost lost against the dark background. You should make sure the title stands out, not cowers in the darkness. On the other hand, the author name is strong. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a Pro at Writer Unboxed

It's time for my monthly Flog a Pro post on Writer Unboxed. Check it out. 

Ray

Vaccine slump

Got my second Covid vaccination yesterday after the first one a month before.

That one didn't seem to affect me, but this one has me feeling like I have a slight fever and achy.

That's my excuse for no blog post today.

On the other hand, it may ensure that I will be around a lot longer to make up for it.

All best,

Ray

Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 353 Zachry Wheeler—does this first page work for you?

Change in flogging focus:In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost, starting with the 99¢ variety, although interesting free books may still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here are the first 17 lines of Chapter 1 of Max and the Multiverse. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.

Max stared at a dingy basement wall, tracing the grout lines of bare cinder blocks. He stood motionless in the center of the room, wary and waiting. His eyes shifted towards every faint sound. A thump here, a muffle there, then footsteps. Floorboards creaked overhead, then down the hall, then nowhere. A door slammed. A car rumbled to life and faded into the distance. Max closed his eyes, took a deep breath, then pumped his fists and shouted “Spring break!”

Max’s parents had departed for Hawaii, leaving him to fend for himself in the dusty suburbs of Albuquerque, New Mexico. Not that he minded. As an only child with social anxiety and a deep distaste for the outdoors, he welcomed a quiet week in a dank basement. He enjoyed it, preferred it even. Spring break to most teens meant travel to exotic locales, or at the very least, anywhere but home. Max had no interest in such things. Spring break to him meant one thing: gaming. Lots and lots of gaming. An endless romp of caffeinated carnage without curfews or prying parents.

And so, it began.

His closest friends inhabited pixels on a computer, the avatars of fleshy cohorts all around the world. They escaped their real-life dungeons by slaughtering monsters in virtual ones. It gave them a sense of pride and accomplishment, all while dismantling their basic social faculties.

You can read more here. This novel received 4.4 stars. While it technically opens with something happening, it is basically all setup. Trouble ahead? Nope. Trouble now? Nope. A problem the character needs to address? Nope. I could go on, but why? I’m sure a good editor would have helped. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

So this is the cover for a science fiction novel. Does it say that to you? Not to me. For me, this cover doesn’t do anything to help define or illustrate the title or the genre. What is a multiverse, anyway . . . could be poem with lots of verses. At least the title and author name were clear and prominent, but that’s about it. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.