In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books may still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
- It begins to engage the reader with the character
- Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
- The character desires something.
- The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Here are the first 17 lines of Chapter 1 of Blowback, billed as a thriller. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.
The six-man Special Ops team slipped into the village at two a.m., walking almost silently along the edge of the hard-packed dirt road past the ramshackle one-room houses, trying not to disturb the sleeping dogs. The men were all in black, with night vision goggles protruding from their helmets and M4 assault rifles at the ready. The thin mountain air was cold, and their breath, steady and even in spite of the long climb from the landing zone, turned to fog. Clouds obscured the moon—always a good thing.
GPS indicated their target was forty meters ahead.
* * *
Thirty-five hundred miles to the west, a young man walked along a very different road in a nondescript residential neighborhood of South London.
It was well into a cold, drizzly evening as he rounded the corner, twenty minutes from the Underground station where he’d gotten off the train.
Mahmoud wore black jeans, a dark green T-shirt, and a black jacket. His baseball cap and backpack were gray, and the cap bore no team logo. He pulled it down to his eyebrows as he turned into the wind. Mahmoud found the spot he had scouted between the light circles of two lampposts and checked his phone. Three bars, just as before. He turned into a dark alcove between two houses and wedged himself into a small space behind their dumpsters. He dialed the (snip)
You can read more here. This earned 4.6 stars on Amazon. The opening paragraph promises action and trouble ahead for the soldiers. One little note: I think it could have been strengthened if we had known that this is an Afghan village. That would orient us immediately. This starts with a good story question or two—what is their mission, will they succeed?
The second part is less specific, but the behavior of the young man and his name suggest a possible terrorist. If we had known the village was Afghan, I think we’d have been certain. While there is no jeopardy clearly ahead for him, the juxtaposition of this narrative with the soldiers on the attack leave me to think that there are more action and violent events to come. What are they?
I was intrigued enough to go to the Look Inside page and read more. As a result, I bought the book. This is rare for me to do, I work hard at getting free books. But this one was promising. Your thoughts?
Cover critique
Strong reds and oranges, an explosion, a soldier with a gun advancing . . . this cover delivers a strong promise of what’s inside. The title is fine, but I would have made the author name pop a lot more. That’s his brand, and it should be strong. A good cover, overall. Your thoughts?
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.