Hey, if you’re isolating like I am, get that trunk novel out and get to writing . . . and/or submitting the first chapter to the Flogometer to get free insights into how it’s working.
Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
- It begins to engage the reader with the character
- Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
- The character desires something.
- The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.
Vaughn sends the prologue and first chapter for No Ordinary School. As usual, the rest of the narrative is after the break.
Prologue
The young man was the last one to come into the room. He came carrying a small chalkboard, which he laid on the table to the right of the large screens. “Fellow conspirators,” he said, “Wagers please.”
The chalkboard had two handwritten lines down it, dividing it into three sections. One section had the word ‘Yes’ on it. The next, ‘No’. The third and final section said, ‘Maybe later’.
The young man and three other men took a dollar out of their wallets and placed it in the ‘Yes’ section. The woman, who had a moral objection to gambling, took a poker chip out of her purse and placed it carefully in the same pile.
The final participant, a heavyset man, took his dollar and placed it diffidently in the ‘maybe later’ pile.
“Come now,” the young man said. “But you have the most to gain if we gain him!” “It is because I have the most to gain that I am the most pessimistic,” the heavyset man said. He glanced at the large computer screen. “The test begins in five minutes. Our… candidate is perhaps even now being told about it. Let us watch.”
First chapter
Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end: then stop. -Lewis Carrol
If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly.- GK Chesterton]
“Mark, what are you reading?”
Mark looked up. The teacher was talking to him. Mark knew that because she had said his name, ‘Mark’, and this year they only had one ‘Mark’. Two years ago they had had two boys named ‘Mark’ and that had been very confusing. He had never known if his teacher of that year, who had been a man, had been talking to him. But this year they only had one ‘Mark’, so he knew she was talking to him.
Mark looked down at the book he had been reading. “I am reading a textbook on Anatomy and Physiology,” he said. “It is a very complex subject. I am interested in it because my brother, John, is thinking of becoming a doctor and will need to study Anatomy and Physiology for his chosen field. Did you wish me to describe what Anatomy and Physiology is? Or did you wish me to describe the chapter I am in?”
“No, Mark. I was wondering why you were reading… that… in history class.”
“I finished the history reading for today on the second week of class. I did not find it interesting enough, or difficult enough, to read again, so I took out this book and was reading it.”
His teacher sighed. She did that a lot when Mark answered one of her questions. Mark had asked (snip)
On the prologue: small editorial note: the line would be hand-drawn, not handwritten, IMO. As for story . . . where’s the story? None of these anonymous observers seem to be the one with a story. Since we don’t know who the candidate is or the stakes resulting from what he does . . . for me, not much to go onward for here.
On the first chapter: the writing here is interesting—it seems to be evoking a character somewhere on the autism spectrum. Yet, while that’s interesting, once again I’m missing story. It doesn’t seem likely that there will be terribly negative consequences for reading what he’s reading. The teacher merely sighs. While it might be interesting to read an internal look at how an autistic boy deals with public school, there’s not much in the way of tension here. I did not care about what might happen next. Your thoughts?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ. Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
- Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
- And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.
Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2021 by Vaughn.
My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.
Continued:
. . . his mother about it and she, his mother, had said that the sigh was an indication of frustration. That having Mark in the same classroom as other children meant that neither group could receive adequate education without a frustrating contradiction with the needs of the other group. In this case, for example, his reading this book must mean, to the teacher, that his needs were not being adequately met and he had had to supplement them himself. “Well, I suppose I can’t blame you. Anyway, Students, I have an announcement. We will have some special testing today.”
Mark snapped his eyes back up from the book. Testing? Testing could be interesting. Some testing was boring. In fact, most testing was boring. But that was when it was a test that you were supposed to ‘study’ for. He never studied. At least, not in the way that other students did.
But some testing was interesting, especially the kind that the teacher announced the day of the test, instead of giving everyone time to ‘study’. They had once taken a psychological test…
He paused in his thoughts, as the rest of the students were standing up. Mark got up and followed them… after a slight panicked look to see if they were taking anything with them. Two number 2 pencils, for example, which seemed to be a popular thing to require. But no one was taking any pencils this time, so he got in line, relieved.
They walked into the gymnasium and Mark took in the scene. The room was filled with tables and computers. Half of the computers already had students seated at them, and Mark started toward an empty computer, then stopped, turning to the teacher. Mark was always getting in trouble for acting without waiting for appropriate instructions, even when the setting seemed obvious to him.
But when he did he saw that she was waving the other students toward the computers, so Mark turned back to the computer he had been planning to go to. Then he stopped as another student, a girl, had preceded him and was seating herself at his computer.
It took him a few seconds to process what he should do. Had she done it on purpose? Was he expected to ‘stand up for himself’? Or had he misread a social clue? She wasn’t looking at him. No one was looking at him.
He felt a hand on his shoulder and jumped. “Find an open computer, Mark,” teacher said.
Ah, so, that was what he should do. He was glad to know. And there were many open computers.
He went down an aisle until he found one. It was farther than the one he had originally decided upon. Fifteen feet farther along, plus two extra turns. Disappointing. Still, he was here.
“Name?”
The computer asked, with an empty box. Did it want his first name? His last name? Both?
He decided that it would be better to give too much information than too little, and typed in his full name:
Mark Alexander Craigson
Age?
He thought that over. The normal response, or an exact response?
14
Favorite Color?
That was an interesting question. Mark wondered what particular psychological scale it was measuring. He was very familiar with psychological tests but was not aware of any reputable test that used 'favorite color'. John had showed him a pseudo-science site that had pretended to analyze you on that basis, but he had researched it and it had not been based on verified data. He would have to google the subject again when he got home to see if more research had been done.
Deep Green
Introduction
The screen flashed and then, underneath:
The following tests will be different from many that you have taken, so it is important that you read the instructions. For most of the question/answer combinations you will first be shown an ‘information’ screen, where information will be given to help you answer the question. Then at the bottom of the screen will be a button, which you will press indicating that you are ready for the actual question and answers. For example:
The boy ate a red apple
[I am ready for my question]
Mark stared at the screen, then at the button. The implication seemed to be… Mark used the mouse to press the button.
What color apple did the boy eat?
-
- A) Green
- B) Blue
- C) Purple
- D) Red
- E) I don’t know
Mark clicked the (D) button and the screen changed to say,
Good. Now be aware that each question/answer will be timed. Let’s try again:
The boy ate a red apple
[I am ready for my question]
Mark clicked the ‘I am ready button’ again and saw, at the top of the next page, a small picture of a rabbit, running in place and, next to the rabbit, the time counting up in seconds and milliseconds.
How many ‘r’s were in the information on the previous page?
A)(1)
-
- B) (2)
- C) (3)
- D) (5)
- E) (10)
- F) (I don’t know)
Mark chuckled and clicked the (1) button. The rabbit stopped running and the clock stopped at 2.50 seconds. Then the screen changed.
Good! So you would have scored 2.50 seconds for answering that question.
Now, the next thing you need to know is that you get the most points for a right answer, but that doesn’t mean all of the other answers are equal. If you don’t know an answer, you should click that answer: you will score better than if you picked a wrong answer. But even a wrong answer might be better than a different wrong answer. For example:
When the man saw what the boys had done to his car he was hopping mad.
[I am ready for my question]
Mark clicked and:
What does the phrase 'hopping mad' mean?
-
- A) So angry that he hopped around
- B) Very angry
- C) Very sad
- D) Very happy
- E) Extremely depressed
- F) I don’t know
Mark clicked ‘I don’t know’. This was not an expression that he had heard before. By the meaning of the words it seemed as if (A) would be the proper choice, but in his experience the logical choice was almost never correct with expressions. Indeed that seemed almost to be the definition of 'expression': a set of words whose dictionary meaning did not match the way they were used in the expression.
The right answer was (B)Very Angry. If you had put (B)Very Angry you would have gotten the answer 100% right. You put ‘I don’t know’, which is true, so you would have gotten a 50% if this had been a real question. The answer A) So angry that he hopped around would also have gotten 50%, as it is the literal meaning of the words. Someone who had put (E) Extremely depressed or C) Very sad would have gotten 25%, since those answers come the closest to the meaning, and would fit the situation. The answer D) Very happy would have gotten 0% since it is the opposite of what the expression is trying to communicate.
In the following tests it is important that you get the right answer, quickly. Getting the right answer slowly is better than getting the wrong answer quickly. But if you realize you don’t know the answer, and can’t figure it out, it is best to say ‘I don’t know’ quickly.
The test will produce results in many different fields and psychological batteries. These results will be available for you and your parents approximately one week after it is taken.
If at any time you have to leave this testing room, your sign in name will be: Mark Alexander Craigson and your password ‘The boy ate a red apple’. When you are ready, please click the button below:
[I am ready to begin]
Mark chuckled and hit the button.
An hour later Mark got up and went to the bathroom, which was quieter than it usually was. He didn’t like the boy’s bathroom. When he had first gone to school he had thought that this was because he was different but Suzy, on one of her trips home, had told him that she had heard that nobody liked the boys bathroom except some bullies, so he had felt better. He had been surprised she had known, since she was a girl, homeschooled, and lived mostly in Africa, but Suzy had informed him she was ‘very well read’ which she had explained meant she had read a lot of books on a lot of subjects. They must have been different subjects than Mark had ever read, since he had never read anything about girl’s bathrooms in his reading. Or boy’s bathrooms, for that matter.
As Mark washed his hands, he always washed his hands, although most boys didn’t, he thought about the test. The test so far had covered a great many academic subjects, including history, but the questions seemed different from normal tests.
Mark had enjoyed the history questions. They had covered some interesting time periods. The last one, right before he had decided he needed to go to the bathroom, was on the reign of Peter the Great. But he was surprised to see these questions on this test, as he had never read about Peter the Great in any of his school textbooks. He hadn’t had any problems with the test question today, though, as he had read several books at home on the subject.
Mark walked back to the room where the testing was being held. When he got there he saw that there was another teacher coming in the door with students, not from his class.
He hurried back to his seat, glad none of the new students had taken it. He was also pleased to see, when he signed back in to his computer, that the question he was now being given involved math. He enjoyed math.
To square a number means to multiply it by itself. So, for example, you write ‘four squared’ like this 4^2, and it equals 16.
[I am ready for my question]
What is 5^2 + 7^2
Mark clicked the answer for 74 in 1.2 seconds, his hand being a bit slick from washing it in the bathroom.
What is 149^2 * 89^2
This time he managed in 1.1 seconds, having wiped his hand dry before clicking on from the previous question.
A leak develops in a 610 liter tank, out of which water is flowing and will flow at a constant 7 ml/sec. A boy routinely fills the tank every day at some random time beginning between noon and four o’clock and takes two hours to do so using a five liter bucket.
[I am ready for the question]
Mark stared at the information for a few seconds and ran a few dozen calculations in his head and then clicked on the button.
On average how many times will the boy arrive to find the tank empty?
Mark crowed, and then quickly checked himself, 1.5 seconds. It was one of the answers Mark had calculated before clicking the button. Mark appreciated the format of this test: it allowed him to do all of the significant calculations before having to start the time. This allowed him, he was sure, to get a much better score than if the time had started when the screen first came up.
The following test will follow a very different format. The test will show a film and, while the film is playing, thought bubbles will appear above the film. When a bubble appears match the bubble with the character you believe would most likely be thinking that thought. Here is an example:
Mark watched the film play and then a bubble appeared ‘I love him’ the bubble said. He stared at the screen while the characters talked on. How was he supposed to know who loved who? No one was hugging or anything. There was one girl, and three boys, and she was talking to all of them…
He randomly chose one of the boys, and saw it had taken him ten whole seconds. But there had been no ‘I don’t know’ option. Very frustrating.
He worked through two more of the difficult film questions, answering randomly but more quickly, until another set of instructions came up:
For the next few questions you will get to choose between two thought bubbles.
The next film showed a man yelling at a child, waving his hands wildly, while two other children looked on grinning. Mark waited and then two bubbles appeared.
[I am angry at this child]
And
[I am playing with these children]
He clicked the ‘angry’ button, glad to get one easily. Two more similar questions followed and then, finally, the screen changed to a chemistry question. Mark was glad. While Chemistry was not his favorite subject he greatly preferred it over these thought bubble questions which seemed often to have no objectively correct answer. This test was truly 'eclectic', covering dozens of different disciplines.
Congratulations,
the screen said, an hour later,
“You have finished the testing. If you will remember this number, we will get back to you later with a special gift.”
Mark looked at the number, chuckled, and closed the test. He looked around. He was about the last person… he was the last person from his class. There were still students here, but they were all from other classes, and had come in while he was working on his test. What was he supposed to do now?
There was a teacher, a different teacher, standing by the door reading a book, so Mark went up to him.
“Yes?”
“What am I supposed to do now? The computer said I was done with my test, but all the others are gone.”
“Oh, well, you must have taken more time than some. That’s ok. Just go back to your classroom.”
Mark nodded and trotted down the hall. That had been a very interesting test. That had been the most interesting test he had taken… perhaps ever. He would like to discuss the format of the test with the designer. It was very different from other tests he had taken.