Change in flogging focus:It occurs to me that free books have a very low bar to clear for making a “sale,” and their first pages don’t have to do much to clear that hurdle. But ask me to pay for a book? There’s a challenge. So I’m switching to flogging books that cost, starting with the 99¢ variety. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
- It begins to engage the reader with the character
- Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
- The character desires something.
- The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
This one was sorta free—on Amazon Kindle Unlimited—but I wanted to show how prologues often don’t work so well. Following are the prologue and then the opening page of Chapter One in The Atlantis Stone. A poll follows each opening. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.
Prologue
It was a single piece of parchment stamped top and bottom, and he’d signed it with his name. It was an agreement; a treaty…and he had no intention of abiding by it.
John II, king of Portugal and the Algarves, had studied it carefully. The first line was written in bold, decorated text, perhaps to give fair warning of the verbosity that was to follow. It was being read aloud by Fernando Alvareze, scrivener of the high court of justice, to all those gathered in the great hall.
The king had dressed carefully for the occasion, wanting to give the impression of understated power. He wore a red velvet cloak, over which he’d hung a gold chain with a diamond and pearl-encrusted pendant. This—together with his black cap and black beard—would, he felt, lend an appropriate air of severity.
He glanced across to the Spanish contingent. There was chief steward Don Enrique Enriques, chief auditor Don Gutierre de Cardenas, and Dr Rodrigo Maldonado. They were representing king Ferdinand II of Aragon and his wife, Isabella I of Castile…and they were looking altogether too smug.
The king was only half-listening as Fernando Alvareze continued to read.
Don Ferdinand and Dona Isabella, by the grace of God, king and queen of Castile, Leon, Aragon, Sicily, Granada…
First chapter
The doorknob turned very slowly, then stopped…and twisted back again.
Benjamin watched it in the darkness. His skin prickled as the familiar fear washed over him. He held his breath and waited. He must not—dare not move. His body screamed in protest and begged him to breathe. He allowed himself a shallow pant; it sounded like a sob. This couldn’t be happening! The nightmare was being played out again. He’d sobbed in terror many times as a child…watching the door handle turn.
It turned again, testing. Benjamin expected to hear the labored breath and the drag of the crippled leg.
But there was only silence.
He waited. Moonlight streamed through the windowpanes of his workshop, highlighting the last of the wood dust that was still trying to settle. Everything was still—almost. With his cheek pressed against the splintered wooden floor, Benjamin watched the shadow of two feet through the crack under the door.
He felt trapped inside his canvas swag, the bushman’s sleeping bag that he’d rolled out on the workshop floor. Only a moment ago he’d been snugged down, hiding in sleep from the chilly night air.
Benjamin drew his arms up and placed his hands on the floor, bracing himself to flee or (snip)
You can read more here. This novel earned 4.3 stars on Amazon. So . . . The prologue focuses, as many do, on delivering information, commonly known as an info dump. It also delivers a bit of character, which is on the plus side. But does it raise a story question? Do you feel tension about what’s going to happen next? As much as I like historical fiction, and I do, this didn’t pull me in.
The first chapter, though, is filled with tension. Tension on the character’s part, yes, but there’s the tension of what’s going to happen next as it’s clear that an attack of some kind is coming. He knows he faces jeopardy, but not exactly what kind . . . another story question. For me, this worked. Your thoughts?
Cover critique
There’s good and less-good on this cover for me. The title and author name are just fine, and the moonlit scene almost works. Had it been me, I would have brightened the stone and the fingers so that it stood out from a relatively murky background. Maybe a B grade? Your thoughts?
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.