I voted last week, put my ballot in a drop box here in Oregon. If you haven't voted, please make sure you do.
The button image here is from my cover design for a novel that is in rewrite. The title is Support Your Local Vampire Kitty-cat. Here's a brief blurb--I'll be looking for beta readers soonish.
Meet a cat to die for when newbie vampires Patch, a calico tomcat, and his human pal Meg come out of the coffin to campaign for vampire rights. They stir up mobs, a bloodthirsty preacher, a murder trial & more. As Patch says, “Life doesn’t get any easier after you’re dead.”
VOTE!
Oh, if you're interested in being a beta reader for Support Your Local Vampire Kitty-cat, shoot me an email. It may be a couple of months or so, but I'll get it done.
Hey, if you’re isolating like I am, get that trunk novel out and get to writing . . . and/or submitting the first chapter to the Flogometer to get free insights into how it’s working.
Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.
Victoria sends the prologue and first chapter for The Secret of Pitcher Mountain. As usual, the rest of the narrative is after the break.
Prologue
He told himself that this was not so different from how they buried farm animals, really, as he knelt beside the lump that had been a human being two hours before. He had carried it carefully, out of respect; then he had stumbled on a rock, cursing and lurching sideways, and his cumbersome burden had thudded softly as it met the damp ground.
It didn’t help that there was no light at all here. No moon, no dim glow from a distant house, no lantern or flashlight. That’s why he’d tripped. The body had rolled half on its side, coming to rest with one arm stretched toward the hole he had dug. As if the rich odor of raw earth was enticing it toward the next step on its journey from this world.
Well, that’s what he was here to do. Help things along. He rolled the body toward the hole. He was reminded of his mother’s movements, kneading dough, as he pushed-rolled the still soft mound to the edge. Then he stopped. He sat back on his heels and considered.
He would have to remove the clothes. No clues. No trace. That was what he had to make sure of. He tensed. This was not like burying a dead sheep, after all. That was a natural act, in harmony with nature and with God. This was…. He stopped his thought with a jerk of his shoulders.
The stiffness would come soon. No time to waste thinking. No time to be finicky.
He faltered twice as he stripped the clothing away. Once, bile rose in his throat, but he (snip)
Chapter 1
Annoyed, Robyn Pelletier shoved the kitchen door closed behind her, giving the automatic garage door opener a smack with her free hand. She was running late. Dammit. Of all times. Of all days. Dammit again. Robyn was efficient and organized—took pride in those qualities. And in never being late. Catapulting herself onto the driver’s seat and turning the key in the ignition, she executed mental course adjustments.
Traffic would be light: morning rush hour was a fading memory and the commute home a distant future ordeal. If she took the interstate, she’d make it to the airport in time to meet Giselle’s plane, for which flight tracker promised an “on time arrival”. Good. They still had the drive to Hopkins Mills ahead of them after the airport.
Relax, Robyn ordered herself, recognizing an unaccustomed jumble of emotions. She had looked forward so much to this day, but she had also been plagued by vague misgivings, ever since they first discussed the class reunion. She willed her thoughts away from the worry, to the women she would be with tonight. Five friends, together in the same room, for the first time in more than four decades.
It’s so long ago. The words eddied in her mind, making her uneasy again. Life had taken them down such different paths. What do we have in common now? She thought about the last time they had been together, just before Giselle moved away. The last sleepover at Robyn’s (snip)
While, for me, prologues rarely work, this one does. It raises plenty of story questions. The character seems complex, concerned with the deceased person yet apparently disposing of the body in a way that suggests a crime. Gets a page-turn from me.
The first page of the chapter, though, is all about the character’s frustration about possibly being late to pick up someone from the airport. No dire consequences are given for failure, and she doesn’t seem to think that she’ll be late anyway. No story questions of any weight are inherent in this page, nor does what’s here connect in any way with the prologue. I want to read the story that the prologue talks about. The rest of the chapter is exposition about the other characters coming to attend a reunion. In skimming, I didn’t see a story. I think this novel needs to start later. The writing is good, the voice as well, we just need a story to draw us in.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next is the first chapter opening from The Defendants: Collectors Edition. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?
She was standing at the ancient desk in his law office when she unbuttoned her blouse. She was wearing a white button-down Ralph Lauren, paisley tie, khaki slacks, penny loafers, and a red barrette to keep the pageboy cut off her face.
Ermeline Ransom was thirty-two, the mother of Jaime, authentic blond, pale blue eyes. Like most cocktail waitresses she was a little taller than average, had clear skin and full lips, and was proud of her work and proud of her ability to support her little boy by honest work. Until last night she had no tattoos, but now she had a mess.
Ermeline began by loosening the tie and raising it over her head like a noose. Next, the blouse was unbuttoned, top to bottom. She was wearing what could only be a Victoria’s Secret bra, with its trademark structural engineering, icy red, that featured a green butterfly where the bra clasped in front. The butterfly held everything together and it separated, wings to the left, thorax to the right. The girl clicked the butterfly and her breasts spilled forward, freed at last, and pointed at Attorney Thaddeus Murfee like two pears, separate but equal. She shivered and looked away.
Thaddeus Murfee’s eyes bulged. “Good grief—who did this to you! Let me grab our camera!”
Thaddeus Murfee was twenty-five, unmarried, a member of Orbit’s Rotary and Moose, (snip)
You can read more here. The first novel earned 4.3 stars on Amazon. The Amazon page says that The Defendants has been downloaded more than 1,000,000 times. This is the author’s debut novel, and it shows. Perhaps this opening of what purports to be a legal thriller is intended to be titillating (pun intended), but so much narrative is spent on overwriting—useless detail—that we never get to story. What happens? A woman takes off her blouse and bra. Why? Not here. Trouble ahead? No hint of it. Overwriting? Plenty of it—the detailed description of how the bra clasp in the front looks and works has nothing to do with the story. If all that detail is given to create characterization by knowing that she buys Victoria’s Secret underclothes, that could have been done much more quickly. A problem? Well, she might have a tattoo and it's a "mess," whatever that vague term means. Doesn't seem all that urgent to me.
And then, before we get into anything that matters, we slip into setup of the male character. Member of the Rotary? Who cares? As far as story questions, the only one I can muster is why is she stripping? For sex? That’s not what I’m opening a legal thriller for. Worse, all that exposition prevents this from being on the first page:
Someone had taken a ballpoint and tattooed V-I-C-T-O-R into her breasts. The ballpoint had broken the skin and the cuts were deep and angry. There was matted blood around the wounds.
That, instead of bra mechanics, would have gotten me to turn the page. As it is, I wasn’t that interested. What do you say?
Cover critique
Hot colors, fingerpints, scale of justice, courthouse all work to create a sense of story waiting, and we understand the category right away. So the cover for the collection works much better for me than did the first page. Your thoughts?
Hey, if you’re isolating like I am, get that trunk novel out and get to writing . . . and/or submitting the first chapter to the Flogometer to get free insights into how it’s working.
Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.
Victoria sends the first page of Mourn Their Courage. As usual, the rest of the narrative is after the break.
Inside the Peach Orchard Inn, Lord Liu Jie expected to be murdered. He appreciated that he had a choice in how it might happen.
As to why it might happen, he reread the imperial notice posted behind the bar:
"The Son of Heaven requires the aid of all men as sons might come to their father. Yellow Turban rebels assault the people and threaten the capital. All districts report." A crimson imperial chop blazed in a corner.
He and his family had traveled for months and thousands of li to avoid this exact situation. He'd hoped to advise Emperor Xian, his nephew. Xian listened to corrupt officials. Everyone knew it. If Jie could convince the emperor to abandon his tax plan, people need not starve. Too late. They'd stopped at this inn and found the notice.
In a single moment, his mission had changed from one of protecting the people, to attacking them.
I've got over twenty men from home, plus Tong Zhang. Zhang is worth ten fighters, but still, it's not enough. If Jie did not recruit extra men to answer his emperor's call, he doomed himself, Zhang and men he'd known for years.
And if I recruit?
He looked over the inn's packed lower level. There were at least two hundred men to (snip)
Nicely written with a good voice, the narrative in this opening page invites the reader in. More than that, the strong hook in the opening paragraph not only ushers the reader in, it gives a push to want more. I wish the rhetorical question, And if I recruit?, had gone on to include some sort of stakes or consequences if he does. But, still, with that opening hook I’d risk a page turn.
I think this is a good start for a story that takes place in an interesting time.
Whew! What with work, travel, and oral surgery, I’ve missed a number of posts. But things are settling down and the ache in my jaw is diminishing, so I hope to remain back in the saddle.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next is the first chapter opening from Death’s Door. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?
The first time I met Edgar Allan Poe was the night he walked into my bar.
That might not seem strange in Baltimore, where Poe was practically a Halloween mascot, but my instincts rang like church bells, warning that everything about this man was from the nineteenth century. He wore a rumpled, black, hand-stitched suit with a dingy white neck-cloth tied over a high collared shirt. His trademark black hair was matted, his mustache too thick and unevenly trimmed, and he stank of corn whiskey and unwashed wool. To most people, Edgar Allan Poe in a twenty-first-century bar was just a guy in a costume.
I wasn’t most people.
I had just opened The Door, the bar I owned in Fells Point, and had served a couple of regular customers their first drinks when Poe stumbled inside. His head swiveled owlishly, as though his eyes couldn’t focus on any one point, at least not until they found me. The moment they locked on mine they widened slightly, right before they rolled back in his head. He crumpled to the floor in a puddle of black wool and melted bones.
“Damn it,” I muttered under my breath. I had a feeling my life was about to get complicated. I threw the bar towel into the sink and rushed to kneel by his head.
“You need help, Ren?” Paul asked. He and Marla lived in one of the Douglass Place houses, and they used The Door like an extension of their living room.
You can read more here. This book earned 4.8 stars on Amazon. Besides giving us the assurance of good writing, this opens with a strong hook—Edgar Allan Poe in the 21st century? I can’t wait to find out what’s to come. I like the matter-of-fact nature of the protagonist, who apparently can’t be shocked by anything. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be that cool. Which is another appealing aspect, the nature of an interesting and unexpected character. The one thing missing that I think is crucial is knowing the gender of Ren—turns out she’s a woman. Could be easily handled by adding a pronoun to this dialogue tag:
“You need help, Ren?” Paul asked her.
What do you say?
Cover critique
A striking cover with its use of color and story elements. The blood read promises action, the mood of the image with the silhouetted raven arouses interest and suggests something mysterious. The title is strong and clear, and so is the author’s name. Works for me.Your thoughts?