Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
- It begins to engage the reader with the character
- Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
- The character desires something.
- The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next is the first chapter opening from Shades of Treason. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?
When Commander Rhys “Rest in Peace” Rykus walked back into her life, Ash smiled because she knew it would piss him off. He was an intimidating SOB, always had been, and it took an effort not to give in to habit and stand to salute him. It helped, of course, that her wrists were shackled to the arms of her chair.
Rykus didn’t say anything when he entered her stale-aired prison, so Ash echoed his silence. The room’s low ceiling accentuated his height and broad shoulders. He outweighed her by forty, maybe fifty pounds now that he’d completely gotten over his old shoulder injury and packed on more muscle. The way his crisp black uniform embraced his frame drew her gaze, but she was a bit disappointed that he was clean-shaven. She’d always liked it when stubble shadowed the planes of his face. She’d told him as much once during training, and he’d sent her on extra weighted runs as punishment. Though she’d ended up sore, stiff, and tired as hell, it had been worth it to get under his skin.
She had to get under his skin now because she could already feel his presence scraping away her resolve. The Coalition wanted her to talk, and she’d been programmed years ago to respond to Rykus’s voice. She had to escape soon—now—because if she didn’t he’d trigger that brainwashing and command her to give him the cipher the Coalition so desperately wanted.
Keeping her smile in place, Ash turned her attention to the two men flanking him. The (snip)
You can read more here. The novel earned 4.2 stars on Amazon. Well, the protagonist definitely has something going wrong. Good story questions right away—why is she shackled to her chair? She’s in trouble, so we want to know what it is and why, and what will she do to get out of it. So far, so good.
Then we get into the apparent antagonist’s looks—his build, the planes of his face, the stubble she liked . . . Suddenly we’re thrust from a science fiction thriller to romance. In my view, characters in trouble should be deep in the moment, not thinking about how hunky the guy in the room is. It would have been much stronger, storywise, if the author had let us know the consequences of refusing to talk. A telepath has inserted commands into her mind that prevent her from talking and could hurt her if she tries. But no, we’re talking about stubble. For me, a deadly loss of tension.
Cover critique
Kick-ass woman with a gun, fiery space things happening in the background, the cover works to signal genre and story direction. Author name okay, too. However, for me the word “Treason” is a red word, not aqua. Your thoughts?
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.