Flogging the Quill

Flog a BookBubber 323 Jon Mills—dose this setup scene bring you in?

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next is the first-chapter opening from Oblivion. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

The Butcher of New York crouched at the corner of the auto store, scanning the darkened crossroads that separated him from the boarded-up red tavern. All around, a thick green forest swallowed the rural town of Apalachin in Tioga County; a tiny community that the world wouldn’t have known had it not been for the huge mob bust back in 1957.

“You sure this is it?” Jack asked the gangly kid with holes in his jeans. He didn’t expect him to be certain but one thing he knew, small-town kids rarely lied, especially when money was at stake. Upon arrival he’d taken the old-school approach of seeking out information. He didn’t have the luxury of lingering, and he sure as hell didn’t want whoever was behind Dana’s disappearance to know he’d arrived, and yet he couldn’t ignore the gut feeling they already knew.

The boy nodded. “Positive. It’s been empty for months. My old man asked the realtor. It’s had no interest. Yet, I’ve seen men coming and going from there for over two weeks, mostly late at night.”

It was a shot in the dark but in a town of this size, small details were hard to overlook.

Jack nodded, fished out of his pocket a fifty dollar bill and handed it to him. The teenager’s eyes lit up as he stretched it out. “And I’ll get another if I’m right?” he asked, not taking his eyes off the green.

You can read more here. This book earned 4.9 stars on Amazon. The voice and writing are okay (but there are comma faults, a cliché, and a hyphen missing from “fifty-dollar”). Those things aren’t dealbreakers if there’s a strong story to be had. So what’s this story about? Maybe Dana’s disappearance? But we don’t have anything but a name, no idea who Dana is or what he/she means to Jack. Oh, there’s some curiosity about the Butcher of New York, but that’s hardly compelling. No, this character doesn’t actually have anything he has to deal with in order to avoid trouble. I guess it’s coming, but I think there ought to be something on the first page. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

The typography is fine, the use of color with a basically grayscale image works well. But, for me, the image doesn’t communicate much. Definitely nothing about oblivion. It’s just a guy walking, though the colors and lack of it do bring a dark mood. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1130 for Pamela — would you turn this page?

Hey, if you’re isolating like I am, get that trunk novel out and get to writing . . . and/or submitting the first chapter to the Flogometer to get free insights into how it’s working.

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

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Pamela sends a revision of her first page of Malia’s Courage. As usual, the rest of the narrative is after the break.

Malia Hudson stared at the office email on the laptop screen as if the words could change. Flagged as urgent from the new business manager, she read it again.

Do not begin your morning agenda. Wait for me in my office immediately this morning.

Mr. Matthews

Not a friendly message. Her spine rattled. What the issue entailed, she had no idea. Not how she envisioned her first day on the job designing condos.

Scurrying out of her office, a fluttery sensation filled her abdomen. Her heels clicked along the tile hallway until she entered through the open door of the man’s empty office. Seated in a plush, leather chair in front of his desk, her toe tapped against the carpet, keeping up with her concerns. What could be so pressing on her first day at work? Or was something wrong?

Hands clammy, she splayed her fingers for a moment in an attempt to cool down. A gaze out the window across the central valley revealed the red landscape near her mother’s sacred burial site, tucked in below the majesty of grandiose Haleakala̅ Crater. What a comforting sight to help ease her nerves. So great to return home to Maui and find a much-needed job. But the way the manager’s email read nagged at her, so unlike the welcome emails from the director and company architect.

The protagonist, Malia, is clearly perturbed by the email. Why she interprets it as unfriendly is unclear to me--it’s brusque, but not overtly hostile. So we have tension in the character . . . but not, for me, in the narrative. We don’t know if she has a problem; none has been included. We don’t know the stakes of failing to deal with the problem that we don’t know she has.

To me, this opening and the bulk of the chapter that follows is setup. Characters are introduced, issue are raised . . . but Malia doesn’t acquire a problem other than being concerned about losing her job. Even though she is a sympathetic and likeable character, losing a job, without dire consequences, isn’t enough to make a narrative compelling, IMO. Try starting the story when something that truly threatens her happens and she is forced to act.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2020 by Pamela.

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My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Guest post: 5 Surefire Ways to Tell If You Need an Editor

My guest writer, Desiree Villena, is a writer with Reedsy, a marketplace that connects authors and publishers with  editors, designers, and marketers. Over to you, Renee . . .

How do you know if you need an editor?

Needing an editor isn’t like a medical condition — you can’t exactly diagnose someone as either needing or not needing an editor. That said, certain patterns exhibited by some writers tend to mean they’ll benefit from working with a professional editor. And hiring a professional editor isn’t just about improving one book, after all! It’s also about improving your process as a whole, since an experienced professional can really teach you a lot. With that in mind, here are five ways you can tell if you need to work with an editor to improve your writing.

1. You’re too precious about your work

No writer has ever sat down on a sunny day and admitted, of their own accord, ‘Man, it really seems like I’m too precious about my writing.’ Writers tend to arrive at that thought after the tender nod of external feedback has caused them to react defensively or even aggressively. You might not think that you consider your own work perfect, but if you respond to people’s feedback with hostility, you really are the epitome of “precious”.

If this sounds like you, I strongly urge you to consider hiring an editor, as they’ll have suggestions that could help tighten up the plot of your story, trim out unnecessary scenes, enhance character, and show you how to self-edit more effectively by creating distance between yourself and your project.

If that sounds really painful, it’s just further proof that you might be too emotionally attached to your work to edit it objectively yourself. Besides, it’s important to learn to handle external feedback. Even if you publish your book without listening to anyone’s opinion, being able to accept constructive criticism is an essential skill for a writer’s survival. If you can’t handle a single negative comment, what’s going to happen when you start getting book reviews?

2. You’ve never shown anybody your work

Not every writer has an MFA under their belt. Sometimes, a shy writer will tentatively send their secret project to a literary agent, and find themselves landing a publishing deal without having shared their writing with anyone before. Miracles like this do happen, but if you would rather not bet on a miracle, it’s always safer to consult an editor before attempting to find a literary agent, to make sure that your work is up to standard.

The truth is, because the ‘slush piles’ of submissions that agents go through are so enormous, minor issues or mistakes in your writing could determine whether your work is accepted or not. Many writers receive rejections and take these to be a sort of satisfaction survey, indicative of their worth as an artist. But had they consulted an editor to make sure their work started off strong before submitting it, they might have received a different response. If you’ve never shared your work with anyone, and especially if you don’t have someone in your immediate circle you can ask for feedback, hiring an editor means maximizing your project’s chances of literary success.

3. You have too many ideas

Another predicament that should lead you straight to a professional editor is having too many ideas. If you have grand ideas of crafting the book that will appeal to every reader, like a paranormal romance set in the Roman Empire that is suddenly overtaken by zombies and a mysterious conspiracy of cyber-assassins, for example, you are in dire need of an editor. An editor will be able to see the value in your ideas, while also telling you which parts you need to sharpen up and which overwritten parts may need to go. (If that sounds painful, refer back to point #1.)

Yes, sometimes heterogeneous ideas can be a powerful asset for authors looking to write quirky literary fiction — but most of the time, mismatched elements are the result of simple overzealousness. So do yourself a favor and get an editor to look over your ideas. You might be trying to write two novels at once and not realize it!

4. You don’t have a strong sense of genre

Following from the point above, an editor can also help you if you aren’t sure what genre you’re primarily working within. This might sound like it’s not an especially necessary aspect of the writing process, but in truth, the most sophisticated projects will always exist in significant relation to previous works in their genre.

Think of it like this. If you know the convention for your genre is for there to be a happy ending, you might consider playing around with that trope in dialogue with existing works. If you end your work with the villain getting the better of the protagonist, for example, or a mystery remaining unsolved, you could make a powerful point by defying the expectations of the genre.

It depends on how you handle it, of course, but if your sense of genre tropes isn’t strong enough, you’ll need an editor’s help — and while we’re at it, I’m prescribing an intense dose of reading around your subject, too! Reading books similar to your work in progress will always help you become more familiar with your target market. If your target market is children’s books, for example, your editor will be able to direct you to essential children’s lit, as well as help you with the early stages of your marketing strategy (in other words envisioning your book on the right shelf of a bookstore).

5. You aren’t writing in your first language

There are so many authors writing in English that people sometimes forget that English isn’t everyone’s first language. Many excellent writers who wrote directly in English (not in translation), weren’t actually native speakers — think of Nabokov, for example! Or, to bring it closer to home, I’m writing this post in my second language, too, even though you might not have thought about that possibility.

No matter how fluent you are as a second language speaker, you may sometimes make tiny mistakes such as using the wrong preposition or getting punctuation wrong because your first language uses speech marks differently. That’s okay! You’re already accomplishing something that, to many, would seem completely impossible. Still, as a non-native speaker, you are likely to particularly benefit from an editor, just to eliminate any minor linguistic errors that could detract from the great first impression your writing should make. A copy editor or proofreader will be able to clean up your manuscript in no time!

I hope these ways to tell whether you need an editor help you weigh your individual circumstances and come to a decision. The fact that you’re on this blog, reading this post, indicates that you’re on the right track, researching your way along — so I have no doubt you’ll find your way!

Renee

Flog a BookBubber 322 Jeff Bond—doe this setup scene bring you in?

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next is the first-chapter opening from Blackquest 40. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

I am in the middle of solving homelessness when my boss raps his knuckles on my cubicle border. I know it’s Paul—my eyes stay on the computer monitor, what with an intractable social ill hanging in the balance—by the timid tap...tap-tap pattern. Also the smell. Paul eats McDonald’s every morning for breakfast. He’s a Sausage McGriddle man.

“Deb, we’re heading up to the meeting—”

“Busy.” I squint around the San Francisco street map on-screen, mousing over a blinking dot labeled Wanda. She isn’t moving. None of them are moving.

Paul sighs. “We’re all busy. But it’s a Company-All, so if you—”

“Is it a Susan meeting?”

“No. It’s the kickoff for Blackquest 40.”

“Means nothing to me.” I click Wanda. Why aren’t they moving? Database problem?

Paul says the meeting invite should have explained everything. Blackquest 40 is a training exercise, mandatory for every employee in the company.

I look up and see that, indeed, he has the whole team in tow. Jared in his My Code Can’t Fix Your Stupid trucker hat. Minosh fingering his spiral-bound notebook, peeking at a clock. They are watching me—all 5’2” if you count the platinum spikes, and a decade younger than them—like zoo visitors wondering if the glass is thick enough around this freak-colored poison (snip)

You can read more here. This book earned 4.4 stars on Amazon. The writing and voice are fine, and we have an idea of the setting—an office environment of some kind. I liked the sassy voice of the character, so that part’s fine. But what of story questions? The boss wants her to go to a meeting. She doesn’t want to. So there’s conflict. But what are the stakes? No idea given here. The character has a problem, but it seems to be a computer problem, which is hardly compelling unless something valuable to her is in danger, and we don’t know that yet. So, compelling? Not here. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

I have no idea what is going on in this image, and it doesn’t help me decipher the title (what does it mean?), but the color and image are strong and evoke a certain mood of action ahead. But the designer did the author a terrible disservice in putting his name sideways and out of the way. Color and image worked for me in those ways. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 321 Angelique S. Anderson—can a dragon be a sympathetic character that raises story questions all on one page?

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next is the first chapter opening from The Dragon Lady. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

The dim glow from a lone gaslight revealed one flea-bitten rat scampering down the main street of Dobbinsturn Parish, his bewhiskered nose sniffing for crumbs. The rodent’s ears perked forward at a strange new sound, then he raised his head to sniff an interesting aroma wafting to him on the breeze.

Given any common sense at all, the furry little beast would have kept running, but it was his fate that landed him in the knife-sharp claws of the most glorious white dragon a rat may ever hope to see. If rats hoped for such things, that is.

The radiant white dragon spent the night soaring over the boroughs of London, his iridescent scales glowing under the gentlest cast of moonlight. The putrid stench of black death invaded his nostrils as he swooped down and grabbed the wriggling rat in his claws, tossing it into his mouth without chewing and swallowing the gamey little thing whole.

One final act of goodwill. The white dragon wasn’t sure of his end, but he felt it closing in on his sickly body. He doubted he would even have the strength to fly after this eve.

As if on cue, the surrounding atmosphere changed, he felt the presence of his dark counterpart like a fog that descended upon his beloved London. He sucked in a deep breath through his large scaly nostrils, wishing to savor this moment for all of eternity. There was no doubt he would miss the sights and smells of Earth.

You can read more here. This book earned 4.5 stars on Amazon. I'm a fan of dragon stories, and this page holds promise. The writing and voice are just fine, and we’re introduced to a sympathetic dragon character. A character that is anticipating immediate peril. Things don’t look good for the white dragon, and story questions are raised. For me, a little less on the rat and a little more on how this dragon relates to a future human character would be preferred. But with the caliber of writing and my interest in dragons, this works for me. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

A striking cover for me. It immediately communicates an historical quality to the story inside, and the gears communicate steam punk to devotees of that genre. And we know there’s a handsome woman character waiting for us. The art is colorful, rich, and high-caliber, and that also communicates a sense of quality. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 320 Kelly Utt—a great example of backstory as a lead weight

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next is the prologue opening from Her Buried Secret. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

Penelope Cline had always known she wasn’t good at telling lies. Or, for that matter, keeping secrets. Her friends knew it, too, which is why they rarely asked her to keep anything in confidence.

As a kid, Penelope had held her breath every time she tried to tell a fib. It was comical, really. Her parents could gauge the truthfulness of their daughter’s statements by watching her breath for a minute or two. When she was lying, Penelope would purse her lips and inhale big gulps, as if she was sipping air through a straw. Then she’d exhale in loud, dramatic bursts once she couldn’t hold it in anymore.

Like Pinocchio, whose nose grew when he wasn’t truthful, Penelope’s body told everyone around her when something wasn’t right.

One time, at nine-years-old, Penelope had entered a bank to deposit some allowance into her savings account, but had made a carefully calculated withdrawal instead. Her mother had waited in the car, initially oblivious to her daughter’s plan.

“Is your mom or dad with you today?” Bernice Tenpenny, the stern old lady behind the counter, had asked.

Bernice had probably been amused to see the withdrawal slip filled out in the amount of eighty-seven dollars. Not a round or even number, like one would expect. And in a child’s (snip)

You can read more here. This book earned 3.4 stars on Amazon. In addition to misspelling “breathe,” there are story issues here. Primarily, no story question. Instead, we dive from the high altitude of omniscient POV (the bit about her parents gauging truthfulness) directly into backstory. Nothing happens here. We don’t know where we are when the story opens. While we’re being introduced to a likeable character quirk, we are deprived of any story tension. This story, I hope, starts later on. An editor could have helped with this one, for sure. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

It’s a strong title but, for me, the image doesn’t deliver anything that feels connected with it. Instead, there’s an idyllic scene of a dock and water on a sunny day. A picture that’s much happier than the dire title. And, once again, the author has little presence on this cover. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 319 Blake Pierce—wanna see some story questions at work?

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next is the prologue opening from Next Door. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

Chloe sat on the front steps of her apartment building beside her twin sister, Danielle, watching as the police led their father down the front stoop, in handcuffs.

A large cop with a round belly stood in front of Chloe and Danielle. His black skin glistened with sweat as the summer night beamed down on them.

“You girls don’t need to see this,” he said.

Chloe thought it was a silly thing to say. Even at ten years old, she knew he was simply trying to block out the sight of their father being led into the back of a cop car.

That sight was the least of her problems. She’d already seen the blood at the bottom of the stairs. She’d seen how it was splattered on the bottom step and then soaked into the carpet that led into the living room. She’d seen the body, too. It had been facedown. Her father had tried very hard not to let her see it. But no matter what he did, the sight of all that blood had stuck itself to the walls of her head.

It was what she saw as the fat cop stood in front of her. It was all that she saw.

Chloe heard the door to the police car slam closed. She knew it was the sound of her father leaving them—she sensed, forever.

“You girls okay?” the cop asked.

Neither of them answered. Chloe was still seeing all of that blood at the bottom of the (snip)

You can read more here. This book earned 4.3 stars on Amazon. The writing and voice are good, to start with. I’m not sure how long it has been since I’ve seen an opening with so many strong “what happens next” story questions. What did her father do? How will the girls deal with it? What will happen to them? If the rest of the book keeps to the same level of storytelling, I don’t know why it got the ratings it did. Guess I’ll have to read it to find out. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

This isn’t a strong title to begin with, and I can understand why the designer might have had trouble. The image is moody, but doesn’t really signal anything about this being a murder mystery. And the author’s name is just about lost. Gets a meh from me. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 318 Morgan Rice—is there enough tension here for a good opener?

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next is the first-chapter opening from The Magic Factory . A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

Oliver Blue glanced around the dark, dingy room. He sighed. This new house was about as bad as the last one. He clutched his only suitcase in his hands.

“Mom?” he said. “Dad?”

They both turned to look at him, scowling their ever permanent scowls.

“What, Oliver?” his mom said, sounding exasperated. “If you’re about to say you hate this place, don’t. It’s all we could afford.”

She seemed more stressed than usual

. Oliver pressed his lips shut.

“It doesn’t matter,” he mumbled.

He turned, heading for the stairs. Upstairs he could already hear his older brother, Chris, thundering around the place. His mean, heavy-footed brother always tore through every new house in order to stake his claim to the best bedroom before Oliver got the chance.

He trudged up, suitcase in hand. On the landing, he found three doors. Behind one was a bathroom; the next opened to a master bedroom with a double bed; and the third contained Chris, who was sprawled on a bed like a starfish.

“Where’s my room?” Oliver said aloud.

As if anticipating the question, his mother yelled up the staircase. “There’s only one room. You boys are going to have to share.”

You can read more here. This book earned 4.1 stars on Amazon. I’m always up for a fantasy to take me temporarily away from the ugly goings-on of today. Realizing that fantasies often start with a certain amount of world-building, this opening page is not unexpected. There is a little tension, what with having to share a bedroom with a mean, bully brother. But how dire is that? We have no idea of what the stakes are. And we don’t have much of a story question. So, in terms of engaging this reader, this page doesn’t get the job done. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

Once again the author’s name is virtually lost. The image is pretty cool, and helps the title along with mystery and mood, so that part works for me. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 317 Rich Curtin—does this setup exposition do it for you?

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the first-chapter opening from . A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

Deputy Sheriff Manny Rivera sat in his Grand County Sheriff’s Department Ford F-150 pickup truck and studied the demonstration from a half block away. The protesters occupied the corner of Main and Center Streets, right in the middle of downtown Moab. They were chanting, No more digging, no more digging, and pumping placards up and down in rhythm with the chant.

Rivera made a quick head count. There were forty-five of them, mostly young, about half men and half women. None were locals; he didn’t recognize a single face. He focused his binoculars on the placards. One read, Respect Human Dignity. Another said, Grave Desecration is Sick. A larger one read, Arrest and Prosecute Pothunters.

He lowered his binoculars, wondering why the demonstrators had chosen Moab for their activities. As far as he knew, there hadn’t been much pothunting taking place in Grand County.

Abruptly, there was a knock on the passenger-side window of his vehicle. Liddie, the teenage clerk who worked part-time at the Times-Independent, Moab’s weekly newspaper, was peering through the glass. He pressed the button and lowered the window.

“Hi, Liddie. How are you today?”

“Hi, Deputy Rivera. I’m fine.” She pushed her hair away from her eyes, appeared apprehensive. “I just unlocked the office and found this message on the floor. Someone slid it (snip)

You can read more here. This book earned 4.7 stars on Amazon. The high rating suggests that there is good reading ahead, but the first page sure doesn’t. The situation—the demonstration—appears static. The protagonist is mildly curious about what is going on, but not concerned. Basically, nothing happens in this opening. Thus, it’s difficult to raise a compelling story question, of which there are none here. I think an editor could have helped lift this from setup to story. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

The cover cheats the author by making his name so small. Why not larger? As for the image, maybe it has a little mood to it . . . but, on the other hand, what mood? We tend to think of sunsets as beautiful, but this is crime fiction. In my view, the cover design contributes very little to the task to grabbing a reader’s interest. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 316 Diane Capri—snappy opening with story questions, but oh, that cover

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the first-chapter opening from Hunt for Justice. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

I grew up outside Detroit, where the weak were killed and eaten. Still are.

Every morning during my high school years, my clock radio blasted me awake with morning news: Five men killed last night in Cass Corridor. Two hundred homicides this year.

Like sports statistics, only bloodier.

Somehow it never occurred to me to change the station.

Even so, murder was far removed from my suburban life. Eventually I moved to Tampa for sunny charm, Southern hospitality, smiling grocery clerks, polite neighbors, small-town feel.

And no crime. Okay, less crime.

But lessons learned young stick with us. All those Detroit homicides proved one thing to me: You never see the bullet that gets you, even when it hits you right between the eyes.

Of course, I didn’t think about any of this until long after the time to duck.

Carly Austin ambushed me at home. I’d dashed home from work later than I’d planned. Preoccupied. Distracted. Too much to do, too little time to do it. And there she was. Waiting for me.

Her mere presence was a shock; she’d been ignoring me for more than a year.

I covered well; offered smiles, hugs. Asked her to join me for drinks. She feigned reluctance, but allowed me to persuade. Twenty minutes later we sat outdoors on the Sunset Bar (snip)

You can read more here. This book earned 4.1 stars on Amazon. The writing and voice are high-level. I enjoyed the short sentences, a nice, quick pace. All the talk about murder and bullets does a good job of setting us to expect conflict and murder to come. It almost seems like Carly is the one who is to shoot the narrator (she is, but only rhetorically). So, good story questions raised, its crime novel bona fides well established. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

The title and author name are done well, but that image? It looks more like a stroll, not a hunt. What does it tell us about the book? That there’s a woman involved. That’s it. No hint of conflict or action. It would have been better all black with just a gun sight. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.