Flogging the Quill

Flogometer 1130 for M.C. — would you turn this page?

Hey, if you’re isolating like I am, get that trunk novel out and get to writing . . . and/or submitting the first chapter to the Flogometer to get free insights into how it’s working.

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

M.C. sends the prologue for Chrysalis. As usual, the rest of the narrative is after the break.

In the aftermath of Watergate, and at the direction of then-Director of the CIA Richard Helms, the majority of the records pertaining to MKUltra were destroyed in 1973. In spite of that action, four years later Freedom of Information Act requests were able to “follow the money” to approximately fifteen thousand declassified financial documents which had accidentally escaped destruction. These records documented that at least eighty institutions—including pharmaceutical companies, research foundations, institutions of higher education, hospitals, and clinics—along with approximately one hundred eighty-five researchers in both the United States and Canada, many of whom did not know where the funding for their research originated, were inadvertently providing their results to the CIA.

Funded projects included, but were not limited to, research into torture; drugs; physical, sexual, and emotional abuse; sleep deprivation; electronic stimulation; isolation; and hypnotism. Many of the projects involved experimenting on military personnel and civilians, both children and adults, without their knowledge or consent. Current U.S. policies regarding the necessity of informed consent from research subjects were developed as a direct result of the discovery of these post-Nuremberg human rights violations, which occurred on North American soil.

One of MKUltra’s projects—the one called “Monarch,” along with its many subprojects—focused its research on ways the United States could more successfully interrogate other nationals, (snip)

Ah, there’s nothing like a good, solid, meaty info dump to suck me into a story. Even better, the second paragraph offers a long list! Who needs story? I looked further, though, and found this at the start of the first chapter . . .

All of my perpetrators are dead.

I didn’t kill them, in case you’re wondering. I’m just telling you that on the front end because I’d be wondering about it, myself, if someone said that to me. I didn’t get to enjoy any type of closure or revenge—like personally choking the life out of them, or centering them in the crosshairs and experiencing the pull of the trigger, or plunging a knife in them as far as I could get it to go—maybe even more than once, if I could—or anything equally satisfying, even though many times I would’ve liked to. Some days, I still would. Their being dead is important to the story because it makes the telling of it possible. If they’d lived, I’m sure I’d be the one in the grave by now instead.

I grew up within spitting distance of a tiny speck-in-the-road known as Bumblebee. It always seemed to me that a more accurate name would’ve been Honeybee, since the name referred to the millions of inhabitants of a nearby three-acre stand of woods that burned down long before the town sprang up. The forest had grown back, eventually, so that by the time I came along there was new growth scattered in among the ancient tree trunks still standing where they had once reigned majestically over what became the town. Everyone from miles around went to those woods to gather their honey from the hives hidden in the charred and hollowed-out tree carcasses, or else they bought their honey from someone else, who did. Anyway, the name of the town had been decided on a lifetime before I was born and I never did find out why. Maybe it was because whoever (snip)

That first paragraph is enough to provoke a page-turn for me. Good voice, interesting hints at story. Unfortunately, the narrative descends into more info dump, long background stuff on the town and the family. Give me more of what the opening paragraph promises, weave the rest in as needed. This writer needs to put story first.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2015 by M.C. Nelson.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flog a BookBubber 315 Hayley Stone—character and story questions begin the dance

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the first-chapter opening from Make Me No Grave: A Weird West Novel. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

Almena Guillory corkscrewed in the middle of the room, turning round and around and around, drawing out some stubborn thought. I asked her to sit down, please, weren’t no sense in her wearing herself out like this before we’d even reached the courthouse. She told me to go to hell.

“Already been, ma’am. Spent a summer once in Texas.”

I hoped the joke would cheer her. To tell the truth, I was troubled by the indignity of the scene. Guillory was the Grizzly—or was it gristly?—Queen of the West. That was what people took to calling her, anyway, but she didn’t look like any bear I ever saw. She wore the sun in her skin, arms just starting to freckle. Her brown hair was falling out of her high-crowned hat in stocky strands, and her lips were cracked hardpan. Every now and again, I noticed blood weeping from the crevices. Sort of wished I could do something for the lady. Criminal or no, I felt sorry for her.

“He’ll come for me, Marshal,” she said. It was the same tired refrain she’d been at for the past few hours. Since being holed up in this here little hotel room, she hadn’t said much. Cursed some. And continued insisting he was coming. Some lover, by my guess.

“I’m not sure who you mean,” I replied. “Ain’t nobody coming to free you, Miss Guillory.”

You can read more here. This book earned 4.4 stars on Amazon. It was the cover that first attracted me on the BookBub page, but more on that later. This opening does several things pretty well: it establishes a likeable character in the Marshal, who cares for the prisoner’s well-being. It introduces conflict now and to come—she being a prisoner and saying that someone will come for her, ostensibly to free her, and the Marshal is bound to stop that. Will he? What’s going to happen next? Your thoughts?

Cover critique

The bold red with the silhouetted slender western woman with a gun is eye-catching. It communicates its Western nature immediately, and there’s mystery (questions) raised by the illustration, with the gun promising conflict and action. Works for me, though the author's name needs to be much stronger. I'd put it in the dark area at the bottom, twice the size. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 314 Morgan RIce—Good start dwindles under info overload

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the first-chapter opening from Realm of Dragons. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

King Godwin III of the Northern Kingdom had seen many things in his time. He’d seen the march of armies and the working of magic, but right now he could only stare at the body of the creature that lay before him, prostrate and unmoving on the grass, its bones and its scales lending a sense of impossibility to the moment in the evening light.

The king dismounted his horse, which was refusing to get any closer, whether because of what the creature was, or simply where they were. They’d ridden more than a day south of Royalsport, so that the roar of the Slate River was just a few dozen yards away, the land of his kingdom dropping away into those roaring, steely, violent waters. Beyond it, there might be watchers staring out from the south, even across its vast width. Godwin hoped not, and not just because he and the others were so far from home, open to any who could get over the bridges between the kingdoms. He didn’t want them seeing this.

King Godwin stepped forward, while around him the small crowd that had come with him tried to work out whether they should do the same. There weren’t many of them, because this… this wasn’t something he was sure he wanted people to see. His eldest son, Rodry, was there, twenty-three and looking like the man Godwin had once been, tall and powerfully built, with light hair shaved at the temples so it wouldn’t obscure his swordsmanship, in the one reminder of his mother. Rodry’s brothers, Vars and Greave, were still at home, neither the kind

You can read more here. This book earned 4.2 stars on Amazon. This started well for me. The first two paragraphs delivered information but also a hint of jeopardy near at hand. Dead dragons are always interesting. But then the author abandoned story for info-dumping. This is not the time for the character, or the reader, to be musing on his oldest son’s haircut or the nature of other children. It’s the time for something to HAPPEN. Doesn’t happen here. A editor might be able to save this, but it would take some work. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

There’s one good thing about this cover, a second passable thing, and one that sucks. The image of the dragon is cool. The title is at least legible, but it has no character. And the author’s name is virtually invisible—what were they thinking? Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 313 Dave Sinclair—engaging action

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the prologue from Kiss My Assassin. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

The rear wheels of the Mercedes slid, and Mohamed fought the wheel to avoid crashing into a traffic island. He retained control, but only just. The rain-drenched streets of London were eerily empty at this hour. As the car sped through the deserted streets, Mohamed wiped the ever-building sweat from his brow and tried to calm his hyperventilating breaths.

He shouldn’t be here. He should be at home, tucked in bed beside his wife. Instead, he raced dawn’s rise to do the unthinkable. How had events spiralled so far out of control? Only hours before he’d been celebrating the triumph of his career. Now he was ruined. Dishonoured. A criminal.

Fighting for control of the vehicle, Mohamed took the turn onto The Mall at speed. The new-model Mercedes did its best to counter his erratic steering, but technology could only assist so much. The car fishtailed unsteadily before righting itself. He was driving too fast. He knew that. But he couldn’t slow down, not with the cargo he had. Not with what was at stake.

Speeding through a red light at Whitehall, Mohamed saw the towering Houses of Parliament and Big Ben loom before him. This country was so proud of their hallowed bastion of democracy. It stood immovable and regal. It was in stark contrast to what would happen if he were discovered. His own country would fall apart like a house of cards. He could not let that transpire.

You can read more here. This book earned 4.4 stars on Amazon. There are definitely story questions being raised. The writing is good enough, and the action lets us know that there’s more ahead. One little addition would help nail the turnability of this page: including the fact that there’s a body in the trunk of his car. it could have been added here:

A criminal. With a body in the boot of his car.

Your thoughts?

Cover critique

This is a strong cover. The dramatic red and black put it solidly in the thriller genre. So does the guy with a gun. The title treatment is powerful, and the author name nicely visible. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1129 for Doriela — would you turn this page?

Hey, if you’re isolating like I am, get that trunk novel out and get to writing . . . and/or submitting the first chapter to the Flogometer to get free insights into how it’s working.

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Doriela sends the opening chapter for Larem. As usual, the rest of the narrative is after the break.

In a dream of mine, there lived a man with no name. I'm sure he very much had a name that was his, and was called it by someone who loved him. He came and went as he pleased: stood in doorways of castles whose towers had crumbled; perched on the edge of cliffs watching as I jumped; sat next to me on trains that sped past fields of yellow.

I never spoke to him – the Eyelash Man from my dreams.

Sleep.

I heard the sound of trickling water before spotting the steady stream trailing over the rocks beneath my feet, then over my feet.

Bending down to pick up a stone in my hand, turning it with my fingers, feeling the coarseness of it, the strength of it, and how very still it was. I controlled it, it couldn't move without me alone picking it up and now placing it back down among its friends, and I did so tenderly. Occasionally the water that flowed over the stone moved a pebble or two around it.

The river was low, I noticed, standing in the middle of the stream, the sides flanked by jagged rocky cliffs, the greenery above looking down at me with envy. I, close to the water.

Another rock caught my fancy, the same size as the first fitting perfectly in the palm of my hand, yet this one sparkled. Like a bright blue of a peacock feather with drops of glitter making it irresistible to touch.

I’m sure you’ve heard this before: don’t start your novel with a dream. I tried it once. Abandoned it after several drafts. This opening, with its dream, has some lovely, evocative description. Unfortunately, the description, and the dream, is about picking up rocks in a stream. A peaceful stream. Oh, that could change on the next page, but there’s no real tension here to provoke me to read on. Besides, so what if something bad happens in a dream? It’s just a dream. It’s not the real story.

In reading on, the dreams are important to the character, but I didn’t learn why. This opening one did not impact story. In terms of tension, there is the character receiving a diamond necklace from her grandmother which, unfortunately, does not seem like a problem, at least at the time.

There’s good writing here, but I didn’t see much in the way of story. Look over the checklist. Not only should your opening page have some of those elements, especially story questions, the rest of the chapter should as well. Find a point of tension, of trouble, and start there. Your thoughts?

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2020 by Doriela.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flogometer 1128 for Warren — would you turn this page?

Hey, if you’re isolating like I am, get that trunk novel out and get to writing . . . and/or submitting the first chapter to the Flogometer to get free insights into how it’s working.

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Warren sends the opening chapter for Operation Skye. As usual, the rest of the narrative is after the break.

Deceptions were necessary to increase the likelihood of success of all Allied operations in WWII by fooling the Germans so they were in the wrong place or reacted at the wrong time.

Maintaining the Operation Skye deception, her life-style, in fact the destiny of the free world, depended upon spoiled royal Lady Anne Elizabeth Fitzhugh-Howard, 14th Lady Herries of Terregles, Baroness Cowdrey of Tonbridge. She had to prevent a hardened German spy, Kapitänleutnant Tomas Weber, from informing the German Army High Command he had pierced the maintenance, discovered it to be a deception.

She could do so only at the risk of her life. Would she do it? Could she do it?

Germany knew an invasion was coming in 1944, expected in June an assault of Norway by a huge Allied army in Scotland. It required information to counter the offensive, so the Abwehr, the German intelligence agency, gathered some. Germany had difficulty getting unintercepted reconnaissance planes as far north as Scotland, so it relied upon information from spies and upon intercepts of radio messages between the British 4th Army and its units in Scotland, Northern Ireland, and Iceland.

But ...

There were no army units, the wireless traffic was bogus, all the spies were double agents working for the British. The entire endeavor, code named Operation Skye, was a masterful fraud (snip)

This is pretty much an info dump designed to educate the reader . . . and NOT to tell a story. It reads like a history lesson. It’s not that there aren’t story possibilities in this chapter – here is an alternate opening page from later on. There’s a poll.

"Do not come any closer!" Anne screamed as Tomas threw open the door of the sheep farmer's cottage, filling the door frame. Her heart pounding out of her chest as she faced her husband. The wind howled and thunder clapped, rattling the windows. Low clouds raced across a steel gray Scottish sky, and rain came down in sheets, darkening the day. Faint light filtered through two curtain-less, dirt-smudged windows. A dying fire and a coal oil lamp on the table in the middle of the room provided dim, flickering light.

Tomas came to a standstill ten feet from her, smiled, raised his hands to show he had no weapon.

"I knew you would try to disrupt my efforts," she managed to force out of her dry mouth.

"Tut-tut, my dear," he scoffed, his voice light, "there is no need for such dramatics." Then, in a stern voice snarled, "I have indulged you, but I am afraid my patience is at an end."

He stepped toward her.

"STOP!"

He halted. "I have spared you because you are my wife, and I love you. I do not want to hurt you, but I will if you persist in impeding my mission. I must tell General Falkenhorst of this deception."

"Love me? How can you love me and be against everything I hold dear? I have been . . .

She has a gun and shoots him, but he counterattacks with a knife and then . . . You ask me, I’d start the story here. Your thoughts?

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2020 by Warren.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flogometer 1127 for Pam — would you turn this page?

Hey, if you’re isolating like I am, get that trunk novel out and get to writing . . . and/or submitting the first chapter to the Flogometer to get free insights into how it’s working.

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

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Pam takes a second run at her opening page for Plans to Belong. The first version is here. As usual, the rest of the narrative is after the break.

What a surreal day. Malia Hudson embraced her old roommate, Sara at a Maui park. Seated at a picnic table, Malia’s voice cracked. “It’s great to see you after so long.”

“Welcome home, Malia. How was the job interview? Did you get hired?”

Shaded by the palms with trade winds blowing her hair behind her shoulders, Malia glanced downward, her voice soft. “I did.”

Sara tilted her head. “You don’t sound too happy about it. What’s up?”

Malia’s eye twitched. “I’m thrilled to have an environmental interior designer job. None too soon, with my college bills soaring and cash dwindling.” She drew in a breath. “But there’s a new manager. He said my designing is for the interior. No environmental concerns. If there’s a sacred area, it’s desecrated. I guess profit comes first. Yet mainland corporate accepted my environmental credentials for the position. My gut says something’s shifted all of a sudden. So now it’s choosing a paycheck and disrespecting Hawaiian values or not. I’ll check into it soon.”

“For starters, doesn’t he realize there’s even a law against billboards in Hawaii for aesthetic reasons? Can you work for such a development company?”

Malia rubbed the knot in her neck. “Maybe I’ll check with corporate HQ if necessary, but I know the manger wouldn’t like it. He might consider it insubordination. I’m on probation. I (snip)

I came across this on a post by David Corbett today at Writer Unboxed:

Novelist Les Edgerton once remarked that all stories are about one thing: trouble.

The protagonist here anticipates difficulties (they don’t seem to me to rise to the level of “trouble”) ahead for her, but there are no stakes involved, and it doesn’t seem personal. Much of this page is exposition with a little info-dumping for seasoning. I read ahead, and the first hint of actual trouble that might directly affect the protagonist comes at the very end. I think the story starts somewhere later. Try to find that point when trouble upsets her applecart and then weave in relevant background info as things happen. Your thoughts?

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2020 by Pam.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flogometer 1126 for Veronica — would you turn this page?

Hey, if you’re isolating like I am, get that trunk novel out and get to writing . . . and/or submitting the first chapter to the Flogometer to get free insights into how it’s working.

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Veronica sends the first chapter of The Stranger in Town. The rest of the narrative is after the break.

My head still whirled, the blackness taking longer than normal to fade from my eyes. I blinked rapidly as my hands scraped against the rough stonewall, the pain helping to clear my mind. I gulped in the cold air, then let it back out in a long exhale. I don’t know what set me off this time, which is just as unsettling as the actual fit. I looked around to see if anyone had noticed. Luckily, the small side street was empty of any locals. I didn’t need more stares than those I had been getting over the past three days since arriving in this rural Czechoslovakian village. Drink. I desperately needed a drink. As in five minutes ago if possible. Earlier I saw a pub around the corner that looked empty. I hurried in that direction. Yes, there. Perfect.

I entered the bar, shivering a little with the cold air. I needed to pick up some local clothes that resisted this weather better. The bar was warm and cozy, smelling like stale ale and cigarettes mixed with a hint of wood varnish. The place was simple, with dark wood accents above lighter wood floors, and one large picture window that let in the afternoon low light. The place seemed surprisingly spotless. There was only one other customer in the place, likely another man desperate like myself to drink the afternoon away. The middle-aged bartender with dark, intelligent eyes wearing a long white apron looked up from wiping the long wooden bar, watching me choose my barstool at the end (snip)

For me, this opening doesn’t do two things: make the protagonist’s “fit” issues clear and create story questions. (One editorial nitpick: having a head whirling feels like a cliche, and what does it actually mean? I think a reference to dizziness or being on the verge of passing out could serve better to give the character's experience.) A great deal of time is spent on nicely written description of the bar, which means nothing is happening while that goes on. One bit that’s missing: this takes place in the 1920s, and knowing that affects how we “see” what is going on. It would be good to include that.

With that much description on the first page, one begins to suspect that there’s a lot of setup and exposition ahead, and one would be correct. There’s good rendering of mood to follow, and colorful and interesting characters . . . but no problems for this character. There’s really nothing that the protagonist is forced to do. The only other question that came to mind was to learn more about a mysterious character you haven’t yet met. In my opinion, the story doesn’t’ start in this chapter. Find that place where something is or goes wrong for the character that compels him into action. Your thoughts?

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2020 by Veronica.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about them books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flogometer 1125 for Edward — would you turn this page?

Hey, if you’re isolating like I am, get that trunk novel out and get to writing . . . and/or submitting the first chapter to the Flogometer to get free insights into how it’s working.

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Edward sends the first chapter from The Patch of Totality. The rest of the narrative is after the break.

Davey heard it first. Whatever “it” was. A snapped twig? A boot kicking over a stone? The declarative click of a gun’s hammer? Whatever it was, Davey came awake with a snap, jerking upright in his bedding, his duster sliding onto his lap.

I was a few feet to his left and opened my eyes to see him sitting upright, his mouth open, emitting a harsh whisper, “What’s that?”

There was no time to reply.

A light flashed among the trees to our right. I heard a terrific bang. Davey’s head jerked. I felt a spray of warm stickiness strike my face. Davey fell toward me. He hit the ground shoulder first, then his head smacked the hard earth of our campsite. He didn’t move.

Time seemed to stop while I stared at Davey lying on the ground. It had not. Flashes of light came from the trees, the noise grew louder, and the nervous whine of bullets cut through the night air. Brian, my younger brother, was on the other side of our almost burned down fire. I yelled, “Brian! Stay down!”

I rolled to the left, away from Davey, to the deadfall on the other side of our camp. Along the way, my arm hooked the Winchester I had left propped against a fallen tree branch. I hugged it to my chest as a drowning man might hug a piece of driftwood and rolled under the trunk of a fallen pine tree.

Nothing like a rip-snortin’ action scene to kick off a story. The scene is set in a not-obvious way; with twigs and boots and stones, we get that it’s outdoors. Otherwise, the action is clear and moves right along. I might make small editorial suggestions, but from a story point of view, this works. Your thoughts?

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2020 by Edward.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.