Flogging the Quill

Flogometer 1124 for Denise — would you turn this page?

Hey, if you’re isolating like I am, get that trunk novel out and get to writing . . . and/or submitting the first chapter to the Flogometer to get free insights into how it’s working.

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

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Denise sends the first chapter Reaper Madness. The rest of the narrative is after the break.

Since the dead can’t get any deader, Grim Reapers rarely make emergency calls. When an icy hand touched my shoulder, it jerked me awake. An apparition with blood-red lips enveloped in the scent of Shalimar hovered over me. The flapper fashion plate had a blonde bob and wore a silver beaded chiffon drop-waist dress, sans bra.

I closed my eyes and pulled the duvet up to my neck. “Go away.”

She shook me. “Circe, we found a murder victim. His body washed ashore not far from here. He needs your help now.”

I squinted at the clock. It read a quarter ‘til too early on a Monday. “Bring him to me.”

China raised her hands upward. “We tried, but he bolted. He’s hiding under the pier. Ingrid’s watching him. Once the sun comes up and people get out, I’m afraid he’ll panic. We might lose him.”

My spirit guides, China and Ingrid, helped me care for the dead. That included finding lost souls in Newport Beach, but it also involved keeping ghosts seeking my help out of my bedroom at night so I could sleep. Of course, China wouldn’t wake me for a simple case.

I sat up and yawned. “Tell me what happened to him.”

“He was beaten to death. His corpse looks like raw meat. Whoever killed him severed his hands and head post mortem. His spirit appears disoriented and in intense pain but, at least, he (snip)

Strong voice, crisp writing, and an interesting paranormal world kick this opening off to a good start. While the protagonist doesn’t have a problem herself, she apparently has one that needs dealing with, the murdered man. Story questions rise—what’s she going to do to help the murdered man? How will she do that? Once caution: “the scent of Shalimar” took me out of the story because I didn’t know what it referred to. It sounded like a place name, but it turns out to be a perfume. Just add the word “perfume” and all will be well. I did read on, and it’s fun. Your thoughts?

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2020 by Denise.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flogometer 1123 for Pamela — would you turn this page?

Hey, if you’re isolating like I am, get that trunk novel out and get to writing . . . and/or submitting the first chapter to the Flogometer to get free insights into how it’s working.

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Pamela sends the first chapter Plans to Belong, an inspirational romantic suspense story. The rest of the narrative is after the break.

Something wasn’t right in their voices. But the messages Malia Hudson received from those phone calls didn’t disclose specific problems or complaints. What a distinct difference from yesterday’s upbeat calls. She bit the inside of her lip and tapped a pencil eraser against the notepad on the table. What did it mean? She’d check with Sara. A glance out the second-story window from downtown Kahului at the serene ocean with the lush, mountains beyond conflicted with the peaceful demonstrators’ wariness she’d sensed from the calls. Her instinct didn’t lie. The few workers present in the Office of Maui Relations conveyed a subdued atmosphere, too. No lively chatter today. Trouble looming against the local people? Malia grabbed the notepad to leave for Sara’s cubicle, but her old roommate wound her way through the office area amongst a few sparse tables and chairs. The OMR had few funds and didn’t require expensive décor. Instead, they focused on human rights and legal land use, thank heavens. Sara tossed her long, black hair behind her shoulders when she stepped in front of Malia’s table. “Thanks for volunteering these past few days. Any new information?” “I’ll say.” Malia rubbed the back of her neck to ease the knot forming. “I was about to make my way to your cubicle. A few peaceful protesters checked in with me. There was (snip)

While I like the idea of being in Hawaii, that’s not enough to pull me into a story. The protagonist has a feeling of unease, but the cause is on the vague side—her instinct feels something is wrong. But what? What does it have to do with her? Does it cause trouble for her? These questions are not story questions, they represent what’s missing here. The character doesn’t have to deal with anything that directly affects her life and wellbeing. To my mind, this is setup, and the rest of the chapter continues with that. The story starts after this chapter, IMO. Find the point when your character’s life is negatively impacted with something that she has to deal with and start there. Weave in all the background as she deals with things.

I know that advice like that can be discouraging, so let me share my experience when I was in a critique group in Seattle. I took in the third chapter of a novel, and one critiquer said, “This is where your story starts.” I thought at the time, thanks but no thanks, I need the reader to know all the stuff in chapters 1 and 2.

A month later I realized he was right, rewrote to bring some of the chapter 1 & 2 stuff into 3 and had a new and much better beginning.

Your thoughts?

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2020 by Pamela.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flogometer 1122 for Ane — would you turn this page?

Hey, if you’re isolating like I am, get that trunk novel out and get to writing . . . and/or submitting the first chapter to the Flogometer to get free insights into how it’s working.

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Ane sends the first chapter On Sugar Hill. The rest of the narrative is after the break.

New York, October 31st, 1929

They say if you listen carefully on a moonless night, the trees on Sugar Hill whisper. Some believe it’s ghosts, crying for justice. That’s why our porch ceilings are painted haint blue—to keep the spirits away. The South simmers in ghost stories, but the only ghost I personally know of lurks in the wings of the Palace Theatre in New York City. He plays tricks on the actors, having been one himself.

With one finger, I draw back the curtain a quarter inch and peek out at the audience. I am, after all, in my favorite spot in the whole world, where make-up can turn even a plain Jane like me into a beautiful woman. Here, I’m Dixie Lynn, adored by audiences, a success—not Cora Fitzgerald, a disappointment.

In the first row, Madame Dressler, my vocal coach, watches all my performances and takes notes. She says to break into a Broadway revue I must perfect my singing voice. “Hard vork for expandink your vocal strength and range. Dat ees your tee-ket,” she tells me every week. I’d rather be an ingenue—a leading lady. But Madame Dressler says I don’t possess the required beauty. I need my voice.

As if I didn’t already know that.

Nobody’s certain from whence my other talent originated. The peculiar one. I don’t think (snip)

I have mixed feelings about this opening. I do like the voice quite a lot, the character is quite likable, and the writing is fine. But, for me, there’s little tension. No, make that no tension. She doesn’t have a problem, she’s not dealing with anything, and there’s nothing troublesome in sight.

I think the time spent up front on description of Sugar Hill is not well spent and, in fact, it’s misleading. The way it’s written, we think she’s in Sugar Hill. She mentions “here,” but we don’t know where that is. I think she’s in New York, but that’s not clear. I also think the advice from Madame Dressler is more words not well spent. Trim that down and at least give us an understanding of here unique talent.

Even then, there’s not much for her to worry about. In the chapter, she’s informed that her father has died (she has no love for him) and she returns home. An opening scenario that’s all too familiar. A young man from her past meets her train, and the glimmer of a romance is seen. But, still, she doesn’t have a problem to deal with, at least not in the first chapter.

In my view, something needs to go wrong before the first chapter ends, no matter how charming the narrative is. I think the true start of this novel is yet to come. I’d look for that place and then fill in the setup from the first chapter as needed. If it started there, I’m sure I’d read on. Your thoughts?

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2020 by Ane.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flogometer 1121 for Emily — would you turn this page?

Hey, if you’re isolating like I am, get that trunk novel out and get to writing . . . and/or submitting the first chapter to the Flogometer to get free insights into how it’s working.

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Emily sends the first chapter Final Chance . The rest of the narrative is after the break.

Preen reached the clump of junipers only a minute before Rama, the boy she loved, came racing up the path, dust kicking up around his feet. He stopped in the shade beside her, panting.

She put her hands on his chest to feel his pounding heart. Little spots of sweat soaked through his shirt where her fingers rested. They kissed twice and then Preen pushed his mouth away. "What did your dad decide?"

"He picked me," Rama said. "I'm the one who has to go."

Preen gasped. "When?"

"Probably tomorrow."

Her hands dropped limp to her sides. "But...but you said..."

Rama scraped twists of matted hair out of his eyes. "When I get to Dor I'm going to join Rayad," he said, excitement in his voice. "Since I have to go there anyway, I want to make it count for something. And everyone says the big war is coming."

"But what about me?" Preen pressed her hand to her stomach. It was already growing; she wouldn't be able to hide it under loose dresses much longer. "What about our plan?"

He sighed. "I can't let my dad go to jail just because he couldn't pay off some stupid debt. He's sure I'll get a better job in Dor than I would if I stayed here. I can't just tell him I won't go." Rama picked up the end of Preen's long braid and twirled the green ribbons around his fingers. "It's (snip)

This opening hits many of the items on the checklist. We’re introduced to a sympathetic protagonist, a pregnant young woman. She has a problem with her lover going away suddenly and a need to deal with being pregnant. He seems a little unconcerned, which ought to concern her. One little thing: he talks about joining “Rayad,” but that’s meaningless. Either give the reader of what that means or delete it for more that’s relevant to the scene. Since war is mentioned, shouldn’t his plan to join Rayad spark fear in her for his safety?

Is this opening compelling? I’m not convinced that it is without knowing the stakes associated with her pregnancy in this society and his joining Rayad. While there are good story questions, I think this needs to be stronger. In essence, this is more setup than story. Maybe look for a later point where real trouble comes and there is immediate jeopardy, not anticipated problems as it is here. Your thoughts?

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2020 by Emily.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flog a BookBubber 312 Melissa F. Miller—good tension, a few good story questions

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is Chapter 1 in The Aroostine Higgins Series, legal thrillers. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

Sidney Slater was ordinarily not a yeller. At worst, he treated the assistant US attorneys who worked beneath him in the Department of Justice’s Criminal Division with mild disdain and poorly hidden contempt, as if he were so much smarter than his underlings that he couldn’t really fault them for any perceived failings. But today he seemed to be making an exception especially for Aroostine.

His face was a mottled purple, and spittle actually sprayed from his lips as he shouted at her.

She wondered idly if he might have a stroke.

“Are you listening to me, Higgins?”

Unless he had a soundproof door, everyone in the office was listening to him. She decided to keep that point to herself.

“Yes, sir.”

“This was supposed to be a slam dunk. The company already settled; all you had to do was prosecute the individuals. You begged me for a shot. Said you were ready to first chair a federal case. Didn’t you assure me you wouldn’t screw up this trial? Didn’t you?”

Slater half-rose from his desk chair and slammed his palm down on a stack of papers, sending them fluttering across the carpet.

She bent to retrieve them, taking her time and letting her long hair fall across her face like a black curtain. Only when she was certain she had rearranged her expression to mask her own rising anger did (snip)

You can read more here. I like legal thrillers, so I’m hoping this will be a good read. This opening page checks off many of the things in the checklist. We get the setting, an office in a law firm. We’re introduced to a sympathetic character, someone who is dealing with verbal abuse. And there’s certainly conflict and a problem. While we don’t know the stakes here, dealing with a superior’s rage suggests that, at the least, she could lose a job that she has worked hard for. So there’s a how-will-she-deal-with-this story question. And we can be curious about what the case is that’s so important, and there are consequences implied if it is lost. All in all, along with pretty good writing and a likable voice, enough to take me one more page. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

Hard to critique a series cover like this. The author name is what counts, and that isdone well. The cover art didn’t mean anything to me, but overall it’s okay. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 311 Susan C. Muller—strong writing, voice, but soft on trouble

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is Chapter 1 in Time to Run. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

The April evening was mild for Sacramento, and the setting sun announced its departure by painting streaks of blood red through the darkening sky. Jax Duncan paused to take in the scent of camellias in hopes their fragrance would still the nagging voice in the back of her head that insisted she was about to make a fool of herself.

As she threaded her way carefully up the shadowy sidewalk to Cory Sheppard’s home, the sight of the popular California state senator’s crimson front door gave her a jolt of courage.

Her mother had always claimed a red door invited good fortune to enter. It certainly seemed to have worked for the senator. Everything he touched turned to gold.

If she could pull this off, she’d head straight back to her apartment and grab a paintbrush. If she couldn’t, no sense painting the door. She was too broke to keep living there.

Jax shifted the stack of documents she carried to her other hand and knocked. The door swung open, allowing light and voices to spill out. The unlocked door sent a chill down her spine, but it was the voices that caused her heart to sink.

She hadn’t counted on the senator having company. What a mess. She couldn’t take his personal papers home for the weekend, and she certainly wasn’t driving back to the capital building this late. She was so screwed. If he came out now, what would she even say?

Hi there, Senator Sheppard. I don’t know if you remember me, but you set these papers (snip)

What a nice, subtle tease in the opening description with “painting streaks of blood.” There were more hints such as the unlocked door causing a chill. I think the writer missed an opportunity by not giving us more on the voices—particularly, if one or more of them sounded angry or there was shouting. That could have added to the small story questions that were planted. The writing is just fine, as is the voice. The question is, does all this add up to compelling? With no real jeopardy or problem, probably not. But I do think it’s strong enough to encourage a turn of the page. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

Good cover. Colors strong, title and author clear and easy to scan, mysterious setting with woman silhouette promising action ahead. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 310 Claire Amarti—quality creates expectations despite lower tension levels

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next is the prologue for The Silent Daughter, billed as a psychological thriller. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

The wind has a moan in it, and a mournful shiver shakes the trees. I hate October.

The cemetery is almost empty today, even emptier than usual. It’s just me, Jan, and up in the grey sky a bird of prey making its wide circles. Fiona would have been able to tell us what kind of bird. She could point to any tree or bird and say that’s a whatever-it-is, even though she grew up just like I did in a little Connecticut town. Fiona was passionate about nature for some reason, she even had a bird almanac beside her bed. And she had one of the best memories I’ve ever seen. That was in the old days, when we were still kids. Before she grew up, and replaced birds with other things. More dangerous things.

The bird overhead wheels and drops. I wonder what it’s spotted. Rabbit? Squirrel? There’s no point running, little creature. Nowhere to hide now. Life’s not fair, right? Sometimes the cards just aren’t stacked in your favor. We should know by now, it’s always the more powerful animals that win.

I lower my gaze to the grey headstone before us.

Kennedy, Fiona.

Beloved daughter.

Loyal friend.

The familiar nausea churns in my stomach. Beside me, Jan kneels down and starts pulling (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. This novel received 4.4 stars on Amazon. I like the writing and voice—they show talent and skill. There are aspects that can subtract tension—there’s musing here, for one thing. But then the musing sharpens tension when it includes “More dangerous things.” There’s a little story question right there.

The bird of prey attacking something adds to the sense that there’s trouble ahead—but it’s just a hint, no actual jeopardy. I think for this one that the quality of the voice and writing (other than the comma fault in the next-to-last sentence in the second paragraph) plus the wisps of intrigue sprinkled here and there will get me to read at least one more page. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

Except for the too-small author name, this cover works for me. I think that the bits of blurbs that are legible on the cover do a good job of expanding the impact and interest of the image and the title. The colors are pleasing and inviting, and there’s suspense in the visual of the young woman walking toward the sea. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 309 Toby Neal—a good, solid mystery opening

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next is the opening of Chapter 1 in Twisted Vine, a mystery. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

Corpses shouldn’t look like angels.

Special Agent Lei Texeira couldn’t get that thought out of her mind as she shot the body with the Canon. A mane of sun-streaked curls haloed the nineteen-year-old’s colorless face. His mouth was turned up in a bit of a smile, long-lashed eyes almost closed. Muscular, tanned arms, losing their definition in death, contrasted with the crisp white bed linens. His hands were crossed on his chest.

Her partner, Ken Yamada, usually did the photography work, but he was busy doing that other thing he did so well—calming hysteria. This time, Corby Alexander Hale III’s high-powered parents, Senator and Mrs. Hale.

Detective Marcus Kamuela, relegated to the sidelines, leaned his big frame against the wall of a huge bedroom cluttered with surfboards, skateboards, and a mountain bike. He finally spoke, and his voice was tight with irritation. “Don’t know why you guys got called in on this one.”

“We’re investigating a series of suspicious deaths, and with this boy’s parents…It’s political. You know the drill.” Lei spoke apologetically.

Taking over the case had been recommended by Sophie Ang, their information-technology specialist. The tech agent had spotted a trend of inconsistencies in a series of suicides (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. This novel received 4.6 stars on Amazon. Thank goodness, a murder mystery that starts with a body on the first page. So many self-published novels start with setup that this is a relief. The first line has a touch of experiential description that characterizes the cop on the scene by giving a point of view. The rest of the page mixes a little setup with a little conflict and mysterious aspects of the corpse. A good, solid mystery opening. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

Vivid colors are eye-catching, and the silhouettes of a woman holding a gun signal the genre in a good way. The title and author name are done well. A good cover, IMO> Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 308 Louisa Locke—world-building consumes tension

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the opening of Chapter 1 in Between Mountains and Sea: Paradisi Chronicles, science fiction. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

Mabel Yu’s Diary

Three Months to Launch, Earth 2092 AD

For my fifteenth birthday, my father gave me this super sturdy voice-activated tablet. Said I could enter my private thoughts here and download my favorite books and photographs… to take to New Eden. He cautioned me that even for this stripped-down model the memory capacity is finite and that I couldn’t depend on there being anywhere to upload when the memory was full. Same with everything else— I have to really think about what I want to pack for the trip. Each of us only gets a small personal container since cargo space is so limited and everything we want can just be printed out when we get there. Ten thousand people are a lot to cram into one space ship. What I really want is to be able to bring my grandmother. But they say she is too old to come.

She raised me since I was a baby, and I hated leaving her behind when I came up to Nautilus Space Station four years ago. I miss her so much. I am having trouble remembering all of the Hakka words she taught me. There is no one up here who speaks that language— not even my mother. She doesn’t like it when I use Hakka words.

All my Yu cousins look down on my mother and me because of our Hakka ancestry. Yet our teachers say that in New Eden— where you were born, what you look like, how you practice (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. This novel received 4.6 stars on Amazon. A lot of Amazon readers really liked this story. I’m guessing that they’re science fiction fans and accustomed to giving the opening world-building plenty of time to develop, and that’s okay.

But for simple story value, this doesn’t do much to create tension. The narrator doesn’t have a problem threatening her and, from the content here, one doesn’t seem forthcoming. Without a story question, is it a story yet? Your thoughts?

Cover critique

A good, solid sci fi cover with its planets and moons in the sky. The silhouette with the Asian-looking hat adds a dimension that’s a clue to the story. Title and author name are fine. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 307 Dean Wesley Smity—slow turns to snooze in this opening

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the opening of Chapter 1 in Kill Game: A Cold Poker Gang Mystery. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

May, 1992

Downtown Las Vegas, Nevada

The idea Jim had on a warm early-summer evening was to find the rumored place for afterhours dancing called “The Path.” Jim had just graduated high school, the proud class of 1992. He was headed next year to Stanford, full academic ride, and he was really looking forward to getting out of the desert in a couple months. He had been born and raised here and was excited about living somewhere else. Anywhere, actually.

Jim stood barely five-nine, had long brown hair, and a moustache he was doing his best to grow and mostly failing.

Sharon, his girlfriend over the last six months, also now graduated, wasn’t happy he was going so far away. She had been offered a scholarship at UNLV and had taken it. So between them there was a tension of the coming split.

Sharon was actually taller than Jim, with long blonde hair and skinny legs that seemed to always be stuffed into jeans a size too small. She had also done some light modeling and as she aged, she just got better looking.

Jim had no idea what she saw in him, but they always had such a good time together. They had two hobbies: Dancing and having sex in every place they could imagine or risk.

You can turn the page and read more here. This novel received 4.1 stars on Amazon. This is more of a prologue than a chapter in the primary narrative. It spends a lot of time introducing two kids who, I’m pretty sure, never appear again and don’t impact the story. But who would ever get there to find out? There’s not much to compel a page-turn here for me. I guess the only story question is how will the sex work out?

At the end of the chapter the kids find a body, and chapter two is twenty years later and introduces the retired cop who will be the main protagonist. That opens pretty slowly, too, but at least it focuses on the story (after a goodly amount of setup). Not for me. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

I had to study the image to figure out what it was—I think it’s doors on a wall of compartments in a morgue. The title treatment is just fine, and the author is as prominent as one can be when it’s that long. The image is a problem, though—it should communicate quickly, especially at thumbnail sizes. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.