Flogging the Quill

Flog a BookBubber 299: Raymond Benson— a series I’ve read and enjoyed

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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This is not the usual BookBub critique. I found this series back in 2016 and thoroughly enjoyed it. For five novels, I figure 99 cents is practically free. Back then, a majority of readers voted to turn the first page. See what you think.

Next is the first page from The Black Stiletto: The Complete Saga (The Black Stiletto Series, Books 1-5). A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

My mother was the masked vigilante known as the Black Stiletto.

I just found this out today, and I’ve been her son for forty-eight years. All my life I knew she had some secrets, but needless to say, this is a bit of a shock.

At first I thought it was joke. I mean, come on. My mother? A costumed crusader? Yeah, tell me another one. And the Black Stiletto, of all people? No one in a million years would believe it. I’m not sure I do, and here I am being presented with hard evidence.

The Black Stiletto. One of the most famous persons on the planet.

And she’s slowly dying. In a nursing home.

Oh. My. God.

I really don’t know how I’m supposed to react to this.

It was sure something I didn’t expect when I was called to Uncle Thomas’s office this fine May afternoon. He’s not really my uncle; just a friend of the family. I suspect he was my mom’s lover at some point when I was a kid, but they remained friendly and then later he acted as her estate attorney. You see, my mom—Judy Talbot—is seventy-two years old and she’s got Alzheimer’s. It’s a terrible disease and it hit her hard and fast. It didn’t creep up on her like it does with most victims. It was almost as if she was okay one day, and then a couple of years later she couldn’t remember my name. Within five years of the onset of her illness, I had to put her (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. This collection received 4.4 stars on Amazon. I’ve already endorsed this, but here’s my take on this first page. I think the opening line is a fine hook—we can understand the shock of a child learning that his mother was a masked vigilante. For me, interest grew, and story questions were raised, as we learned of her worldwide fame, and being struck by Alzheimers. Then story questions bubble up—what will the son do with this information being foremost among them. I did read on, years ago, and enjoyed this tale of a strong woman character. I think that, for 99 cents, you can't go wrong. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

A strong, simple cover. Colors are good, with the type able to stand out. The large and pretty eyes within a mask offer intrigue, for sure. Works for me.

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 298: Ty Hutchinson— story questions, yes, but the writing . . . ?

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next is the first chapter of Tenderloin. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

The symphony of the rainy season had returned to the Amazon. Large drops fell from the treetops, hammering huge, paddle-shaped leaves and thumping the ground like a bass drum. Deafening, wet, but not enough to slow the teen’s efforts. His bare feet continued to grip the earth as if it were dry.

Whack! Whack! Whack!

His hands attacked the wet hanging vines, slapping them out of his way as he dodged mossy tree trunks and hurdled thick, exposed roots. He had navigated that trail countless times. He could do it blindfolded. He practically was.

Whatever sunlight was left in the day lacked the strength to punch through the thick canopy of the jungle. With every passing second, the shadows around him faded together, forming the inevitable darkness that would envelop the slippery terrain. It forced his eyes and ears to work harder at navigating. He didn’t worry. He was born in the jungle. It was his backyard. Nothing could stop him from moving at full speed. Nothing could prevent him from reaching his village. Nothing except the thing chasing him.

At first, the boy kept a pace that had him thinking he was in the clear, but when he heard movement behind him, he realized he had misjudged his pursuer’s speed. Impossible, he thought. How could that thing have caught up? He forced his eyes to adjust to the dark and willed his legs (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. This book received 4.2 stars on Amazon. Okay, so there’s good action, suspense, jeopardy, a “what happens next” story question with what seem to be high stakes—so far, so good.

But then the narrative had the boy forcing “his eyes and his ears to work harder at navigating.” Seriously? You can force your eyes and ears to do things like that? And then a few lines later he is forcing his eyes to adjust to the dark. That kind of thing is far beyond voluntary control.

So, for me, the credibility of this narrative is in doubt from the start. If there are two not-possibles on just one page, what is to come? I feel sorry for the teen being chased in this scene, but I’m not going to wade through a verbal jungle to find out how he fares (but I’ll bet not well.) Your thoughts?

Cover critique

The image is interesting. Moody. There seems to be a hurt or dead woman there. So there is a hint of story. I know that the title refers to a district in San Francisco, but I suspect that will be lost on some readers. Not terribly provocative. One more thing about the art—for me, it looks like it portrays an historical scene, but I believe the story is contemporary. That could be a turn-off to a mystery seeker. I guess I think it could have been stronger, but it does have tension.

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 297: Rebecca Cantrell—just one line away . . .

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the first chapter of The World Beneath. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

November, 1949

Presidential train

En route to Grand Central Terminal, New York

Dr. Berger looked into the long dark mouth of the tunnel. This tunnel would lead to another and then another until they stopped at a secret platform under New York City’s Waldorf Astoria hotel. Only one train had permission to stop there. This one— the presidential train car. It hadn’t been used by the president since the war and, despite its original purpose, the car was surprisingly utilitarian— simple wooden cabinets, a stainless steel counter bearing four liquor decanters, and leather chairs bolted to the floor.

He clutched his precious briefcase with nervous fingers. The train had almost arrived at its destination, and nothing had gone wrong. Yet.

Darkness engulfed the train car as it pulled inside. The train slowed to a crawl. To see why, Dr. Berger adjusted his round spectacles and peered through bulletproof glass so thick that it had a green cast. Dim, electric lights hanging from the ceiling revealed a field of silver tracks merging together again and again as the tunnel narrowed. The engineer had slowed to switch tracks. The car was deep underneath the city now. Close.

He cast a sidelong glance at his sole traveling companion: the uniformed soldier who was (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. This book received 4.5 stars on Amazon. The narrative creates a mood of suspense with nervous fingers, a secret platform, and nothing going wrong . . . yet. But does it reach the level of compelling?

It could have with the addition of just one more line of narrative from page two. Here’s the addition that would crank the tension up:

He cast a sidelong glance at his sole traveling companion: the uniformed soldier who was tasked with protecting him and the secrets he carried. What did he know about the man?

Okay, now we have, when you add in the hints earlier, a clear story question that could generate some page turns. And it would have been simple to create the space needed—just delete the setting information line, Presidential train. from the opening. That information comes up almost immediately in the first paragraph, so it really isn’t needed earlier than that. A simple edit that makes a difference. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

Good elements in the cover: title and author are strong. Unfortunately, there’s an image of some kind of award covering the key part of the graphic—a train. You can’t tell it’s a train in a tunnel without seeing the train. And the text on the award is impossible to read, so there’s no gain in including it. Only loss. The cover needed an editor too.

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.