Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next is the first chapter of Soulbound (The Return of the Elves), a fantasy. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?
Arlyn shoved trembling hands into her pockets as the elf approached, his long hair shifting in the breeze. Though he moved with relaxed ease, his sharp gaze scanned her from head to toe. Thank goodness she’d left her weapons at camp. The elf carried only a dagger, but Arlyn’s mother had warned her he was a formidable warrior, more than capable of taking her on. She did not want to be mistaken for a threat.
Her fingers brushed the smooth, useless glass of the cell phone in her pocket. It slid against her sweaty palm as she gripped it, though she doubted they’d have service on this world anyway. Her mother had said these Moranaians were different than the elves of legend, but the myths surely weren’t that wrong. Arlyn grinned, despite her nerves, drawing a frown from the approaching elf. Strangers must not often smile at him in the middle of the forest path.
The dappled light shadowed the elf’s young-looking face and made blotches in his dark brown hair. As he stopped a couple of feet away, Arlyn’s breath caught. He looked exactly like the man in the picture her mother had given her, except then he’d been sitting in the forest near her family home. But this was a different world. Though the shadows might look the same, the leaves that cast them were another shape and the trees another species.
Say something, she ordered herself, but only a strangled gasp slipped from her lips.
“You appear to be lost,” he said, his voice smooth and calm. “May I help you?
You can turn the page and read more here. This book received 4.4 stars on Amazon. I enjoy fantasy, especially these days, when it’s not a bad idea to let your mind fly away for a while. The writing here could be a little tighter, but it’s good, and so is the voice. While there’s no immediate threat of danger here, the narrative lets us know that it’s definitely possible. And it does a good job of introducing the fantasy world. Story questions to come up—the man is someone important to her mother and to her. Her nervousness hints at relationships, so we wonder. And I was curious about what happened next when she answered his question. Your thoughts?
Cover critique
A good cover. The typography, the colors, and the fantasyish piece of jewelry clue us in to the nature of the book, and the look of it is quite professional, which is inviting and reassuring. What do you think?
My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next is the first chapter of The Home, a thriller. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?
Note: I usually only critique free BookBub novels, and mistakenly thought this one was free. After I read the opening and decided to use it, I found that it was 99 cents. I paid.
This isn’t how we’d planned it. They’ve just found her on the ground outside the church, wailing beside my body.
She’s going to make lots of mistakes over the next few days, but hanging around my corpse is her first. She should have run. She should have run far away from here, back to the arms of strangers, or the arms of anyone who’d have her…
No one knows what to do with her. The police are murmuring about her age, putting her at around fifteen. They’re right. But on the inside, she’s ancient as the world. We both are.
They can’t stop her crying. They can’t get her to move. She’s shouting and protesting and holding on to me, but I am already cold.
I’m furious with her for doing this. She used to say she’d come with me. ‘If you go, I’m going too,’ she’d say, taking my hand in hers and looking me straight in the eye. It was a promise as sacred as a wedding vow, but like everything else between us, it ended up broken long ago.
I’m going to haunt her. I’m going to make her think she’s losing her mind and tip her slowly over the edge until she can bear it no longer and joins me here.
Would that be murder? Maybe; but no more murderous than what she’s just done to me.
You can turn the page and read more here. This book received 4.8 stars on Amazon. I can’t even begin to count the story questions that come tumbling out of this narrative. Besides what happens next?, there are how? and why? questions. Why is she dead? How did it happen? Will she murder the girl grieving for her? The writing and voice are strong as well. I do wish it weren’t in italics, but there is a necessity to separate this character’s narration from that of the living girl, who we meet in chapter 2. Your thoughts?
Cover critique
A strong cover in many ways. The photo art is striking and suggests death. There’s an image of an angel about where the face’s eye would be, but that’s not discernable in thumbnail sizes. As usual, the author name isn’t strong enough though, with the lack of clutter on the cover, it comes across pretty well. What do you think?
My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next is the first chapter of The Confectioner’s Guild, a fantasy. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?
Wren had learned early on that trouble comes in all sorts of packages. Even vanilla ones with rose petal frosting.
“Tell me about these cupcakes,” a cold voice demanded from the storefront.
Wren froze on her stool, her ears perked to listen, the cocoa bean she held in her hand forgotten.
“What would you like to know?” asked Master Oldrick, his tone light but wary.
“Everything.”
Wren set down her husking knife on the worktable with the rest of the cracked beans, wiping her hands on her streaked apron. She wanted a look at this customer. She crept across the worn tiles of the kitchen and slowly slid open one of the doors leading to the display case in the front room of Master Oldrick’s confectionery shop. A wave of cold air hit her, the ice that lined the case chilling her face as well as the chocolates. It was a blessed respite from the stickiness of the kitchen, where the air hung limp in August’s hot breath.
Master Oldrick was babbling about the cupcakes now, clearly unsure of the nature of the man’s interest. “True, cupcakes are the territory of the Baker’s Guild, but I’ve some friends in that guild, and they don’t mind us having a little fun with the cupcakes. It’s the frosting that sets ours apart. Pure confectional art. The frosting on this one’s so like a rose that you can practically (snip)
You can turn the page and read more here. This book received 4.5 stars on Amazon. The opening line, though from the author and not the character’s direct experience, does a good job of raising story questions—there’s trouble coming, and it somehow has to do with cupcakes. Question: what kind of trouble can come from cupcakes? The questioner’s cold voice is another clue to trouble ahead.
But what about stakes? Not heavy . . . at this point. Starting with what seems to be a minor concern suggests to experienced readers that there’s greater to come. The voice and the quality of the writing let us know that we’re in the hands of a skilled writer. On the strength of that plus the hints of trouble and what seems a likeable character, this worked for me. Your thoughts?
Cover critique
For me, the cover imagery does a good job of conveying a sense of magic and fantasy, as does the font used. The colors are strong and the background gives the title a boost. The one issue I have is that the author’s name is too small. They worked to keep it within the bounds of the opening in the fancy stuff, but I don’t think they should have. What do you think?
My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.
One of the things an author's street team does is help spread the word about the author's works, which, in my case, includes writing honest reviews of free ebook copies that I'll give you.
More than that, I'll be looking for beta readers for new and revised works, feedback on cover designs, and more. In addition, I hope to "talk" with team members about writing--either theirs or mine or others'. There may be more, I'm making up what happens at Ray's Readers as I go along.
This just launched a few days ago. Here's the graphic:
Visit the site. You'll find a sign-up form and details about the first book to be offered for review. Ebooks are the mode: Kindle, Nook/epub, and PDFs. No charge. I should add that I've reduced the ebook price of this novel to $.99 so it's easily affordable for people you tell about it. Check it out here.
Hey, if you’re isolating like I am, get that trunk novel out and get to writing . . . and/or submitting the first chapter to the Flogometer to get free insights into how it’s working.
Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.
Gregory sends the first chapter Margaritifer Chaos. The rest of the narrative is after the break.
Judge Werner Mathiason of the United States District Court for the District of Columbia rapped his gavel. “This matter comes before the Court on motion by Plaintiff, Margherita Concordia Grey, for Temporary Restraining Order and Preliminary Injunction. Plaintiff names as Defendant, Off-World Mining PLC. The Court recognizes that Plaintiff is indeed of Martian birth and, in fact, the only known Martian. However, the Court also recognizes that Ms. Grey is a U.S. citizen, permanently residing in the United States without intent, or means, of returning to her home world. As such, the Court finds that Plaintiff, having failed to adequately demonstrate the likelihood of imminent injury, lacks standing in this matter.”
Ghita leaped from her seat, accompanied by a chorus of gasps from the packed gallery. “Lacks standing?! How can I lack standing? I’m the only Martian. You just said so. I’m the only being on this planet that does have standing!”
“Ms. Grey, take your seat and be silent, I will no longer tolerate your outbursts!”
“I will not be silent. This is wrong, it cannot be allowed. I won’t allow it!”
Judge Mathiason hammered his gavel and bellowed, “Bailiff, remove Ms. Grey from the courtroom!”
As the burly five-foot-ten bailiff approached, Ghita stiffened, stretched to her full six-foot-five-inch height – in heels – and cast him a glance that would have stopped a clock. The (snip)
This opening page is from a sequel, and Gregory writes of his concern that he balances the narrative and backstory for new readers and those who have read the first novel. He doesn’t want to bore familiar readers with backstory and not turn off new readers with too little in the narrative. I haven’t read the first novel, so can’t really address that aspect. The question is, as always, is this page compelling? And I think that’s the question that has to get a “yes” whether the novel is the first or the fifteenth in a series. So, now on to this one.
For me, I think this page could be much stronger, yet I also think it has enough of a story question to warrant a page-turn. There’s conflict and tension here, but what are the stakes? She has lost, but what has she lost? How is she harmed by losing her standing? Later in the chapter we learn that she was trying to stop what she sees as the destruction of Mars, her birth planet. Now, those are good stakes. The opening would be much stronger if that was here. What if she said something such as “But they will reduce my home to radioactive rubble!”
I think the backstory aspect was handled well with the judge’s statement at the beginning, and we get a good picture of the protagonist. All to the good. But I urge Gregory to see if he can up the stakes on this page. And avoid clichés such as “a glance that would have stopped a clock.” Your thoughts?
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
No chapter this week because I just want to recommend this series to you. I read the three novels in this set a few years ago, and enjoyed them thoroughly. Mellissa is a good writer, and her Sasha character is spunky and smart and fun. These days we need good reads, and this set is free. You’ll find it on Amazon here.
My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books through the links.
Hey, if you’re isolating like I am, get that trunk novel out and get to writing . . . and/or submitting the first chapter to the Flogometer to get free insights into how it’s working.
Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.
Renee sends the first chapter Blurring Reality. The rest of the narrative is after the break.
“Emergency! Emergency!”
Jem Wilmont rolled her eyes at the idiot screaming over the loudspeakers. What? He didn’t think the sirens deafening everyone in Folsum’s spaceport wasn’t a clue?
“Inbound shuttle—engines failing!”
Blue-tinted blast shields snapped over the fifth floor observation window. For Pete’s sake, she grumbled. The Delmark Three colony was old enough to have weathered real emergencies and three out of five engines were enough to—
“Two engines dead, third failing! Find the nearest shelter. NOW!”
What? No! Jem’s heart slammed into overdrive, her head jerking upward as bodies and vehicles bolted right and left below her. Two! She’d only tampered with two! But the super-heated glow around the growing bright speck testified to its too swift descent.
The large shuttle’s outline became visible. It was pitching backward.
Babbling voices surrounded her. Someone on her right whispered a prayer. Loud gasps as it barrel rolled back into an upright position. Reversed. Its engines a blinding nova.
“Sonofabitch, they’re riding their fire!”
The surging throng crushed Jem flat against the thick window as everyone tried to see. Be enough…be enough, she chanted silently.
A number of things worked for me in this page . . . and some didn’t. There’s a quickie edit following this.
We’re dropped into a strong action scene, and there’s sudden peril for the character. Story question: Will she survive the crash of the shuttle? But there’s more good stuff. We learn that she sabotaged two shuttle engines to cause difficulties, but not fatal ones . . . and then another engine goes. More story questions: Why did she sabotage the shuttle? Is the third engine failure more sabotage by someone else? If so, who? If so, how does that impact the character? Lots of good story tension packed into this first page. Nicely done.
But there are smallish craft issues that call for an edit. A quick look:
“Emergency! Emergency!”
Jem Wilmont rolled her eyes at the idiot screaming over the loudspeakers. What? He didn’t think the sirens deafening everyone in Folsum’s spaceport wasn’t a clue?
“Inbound shuttle—engines failing!”
Blue-tinted blast shields snapped over the fifth-floor observation window. For Pete’s sake, she grumbled. The Delmark Three colony was old enough to have weathered real emergencies and three out of five engines were enough to—
“Two engines dead, third failing! Find the nearest shelter. NOW!”
What? No! Jem’s heart slammed into overdrive, her head jerking upward as bodies and vehicles bolted right and left below her. Two! She’d only tampered with two! But the super-heated glow around the growing bright speck testified to its too-swift descent. The heart description borders on cliche, look for something else . . . or just cut it. Having her head jerk upward is a "body-part filter," giving the person's action to a body part. Can you describe it another way? And "below her" is a failure in scene-setting: how can there be people below here? Where is she that they can be there? This needs to be clear in the beginning. Need a hyphen for "too swift"
The large shuttle’s outline became visible. It was pitching backward. "Large" is a relative term. With nothing to relate it to here, this is meaningless. Just delete it, the reader will imagine plenty. Or make it specific, such as "The fifty-passenger shuttle . . ." About "It"--technically, the antecedent is the outline, so this means the outline was shifting. To be more clear, "The ship was pitching backward."
Babbling voices surrounded her. Someone on her right whispered a prayer. Loud gasps as it barrel rolled back into an upright position. Reversed. Its engines a blinding nova. Now there's someone on her right? I thought they were below her. Clarity issue in imagining the action in this scene. The antecedent for "it" here is a prayer. Keep it clear, eg. Loud gasps as the shuttle barrel-rolled . . . I would hyphenate "barrel-rolled"
“Sonofabitch, they’re riding their fire!” Nice description.
The surging throng crushed Jem flatagainst the thick window as everyone tried to see. Be enough…be enough, she chanted silently.
Hey, if you’re isolating like I am, get that trunk novel out and get to writing . . . and/or submitting the first chapter to the Flogometer to get free insights into how it’s working.
Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.
Mike sends the first chapter of Waiting for Eternity. The rest of the narrative is after the break.
Eleanore at Eight Years of Age
Eleanore put the last cookie on the tray and checked that it was lined just right. She moved it a tiny fraction to the left so the circle of cookies looked perfect. She looked up at Chef-Mother, hoping for approval. Chef-Mother nodded. Eleanore breathed a sigh of relief.
She hopped off the chair with an ear-to-ear smile on her face. She'd been arranging the after luncheon snacks for almost a year and this was the first time she'd met Chef-Mother's approval.
"Hold out your hands," Chef-Mother said.
Eleanore turned back, confused.
"Both hand," Chef-Mother said. "One on each side."
Eleanore swallowed. She's going to let me carry? She spread her hands as wide as she could. Chef-Mother chuckled as she picked up the tray and lowered it into Eleanore's hands.
Eleanore gripped both side handles as hard as she could. The tray was heavy. She looked up at Chef-Mother. Chef-Mother nodded to the dining room door.
Eleanore felt butterflies take flight in her stomach and her mouth went dry
I enjoyed the voice and the writing. There’s a mini-tension here—will the child fail in her task? But carrying a tray doesn’t seem all that dangerous. There are no real stakes here. While the character is sympathetic, there’s no real reason to turn the page, IMO.
I read on, as is my practice, and, after a look at this chapter, I’d asked Mike to send his second chapter. As it turns out, all of the first chapter is setup to lead to the information at the very end, that Eleanore’s mother was thrown out of the manor in the dead of winter, and no one knows why.
This doesn’t really matter to what’s happening to the girl, and that information could have easily been included in the second chapter when trouble does finally hit at age sixteen. She is thrown out, falsely accused of having sex with the Lord of the manor. Now that’s a problem with stakes, and I urge Mike to toss chapter one, get some jeopardy on the first page of chapter two, and start there.
One more thing. This seems to take place in a time when there were carriages rather than cars, but this page doesn’t let us know the time period. You can use things such as the carriage that appears later to include that in the setting, and should. For example, the girl works in the kitchen. Simply having her add wood or coal to the stove fire would let the reader have an immediate idea of the time period.
Arlyn shoved trembling hands into her pockets as the elf approached, his long hair shifting in the breeze. Though he moved with relaxed ease, his sharp gaze scanned her from head to toe. Thank goodness she’d left her weapons at camp. The elf carried only a dagger, but Arlyn’s mother had warned her he was a formidable warrior, more than capable of taking her on. She did not want to be mistaken for a threat.