Flogging the Quill

Flogometer 1115 for Jide — info dump muddies the story

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

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Jide sends the first chapter of Chrome & Steele: The Paradiso Trials. The rest of the narrative is after the break.

Steele heard the crack before he felt the pain. The agony rivaled that of when he first woke up in this new world several days ago. But he had no time to focus on the drawbacks of his new powers. He needed to escape. Dwelling on broken bones would come later. He got back up and darted across the open valley becoming lighter with each stride—sprinting, dashing, then gliding. The second sun was setting which was a good sign that he’d distanced himself from Ruby and the cave in which she’d held him hostage. He felt relieved to be running on soft, even ground considering the burning river had charred his shoes after he’d jumped across, breaking his arm in the process. When he could no longer see the cave or the burning river, he stopped to catch his breath and collect his thoughts. /p>

A thief. That’s what she’d called him. He’d woken up, chained to a rock with nothing visible but shadows that danced on the walls with each passing sun. His only occasional visitor was Ruby, and she was crazy. No one steals from crazy. She’d torture him and then leave for hours before returning to repeat the process. It was shocking how fast his body healed just to be broken down again, his pleas choked with confusion. But from the moment he’d first opened his eyes, something deeper bothered Steele. He couldn’t remember any details of his life./p>

He lifted his head and scanned his surroundings. He felt as if his mind was playing tricks on him. He knew, conceptually, how the physics of a planet should work—one sun, one moon, (snip)

For me, this opening suffers from both too much and too little information. There’s a lot of backstory delivered, yet it’s incomplete—what are his powers? How did he escape? What cracked? Why? I think the author is cramming stuff in to hopefully orient the reader before getting into the story. My suggestion would be to open with him chained and not remembering his life and then have a scene that shows him escaping and, if appropriate, wielding a new power or powers so we can understand what they are. </p

This narrative needs to slow down and drop us into a situation where the character deals with a specific problem. If he was chained in a cave as it seems he could have been, give us the atmosphere of it—dank and dark? But he sees shadows, so there’s light? There’s not enough detail and setting to hold onto before the narrative moves on into something else. The later narrative gets into an interesting new world, but it still needs to slow down and let the reader experience it.

Your thoughts?

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2020 by Jide.

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My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flog a BookBubber 281: Robin James—prologue fail, once again

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next is the prologue of Burden of Truth. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

Rain pelted my windshield, leaving thick streaks in my field of vision where the wiper blades caught. I should have replaced them before I made this drive. But I never did things like that anymore. Not for ten years.

Since the day the Thorne Law Group hired me as a junior associate, I had my own driver if I wanted it. Company cars. A Lexus. No need to do mundane tasks like oil changes or even pumping my own gas. By the time I made partner three years ago, I had a corner office in one of the most coveted office buildings in Chicago. Now, with each mile I put behind me going east on I-94, the trappings of my old life slipped away.

Two hundred and fifty-two miles. The distance between my old life and my new. No ... that wasn’t it. Chicago had been my new life. My second chance. My flipped script. Or at least, that’s what I’d told myself all those years ago when I severed the ties that threatened to drag me down.

The green-and-white road sign for Exit 159A loomed to my right, the left corner chipped off and rusted. I could keep going. Ann Arbor, Detroit, maybe even further east or over the Ambassador Bridge into Canada. It didn’t have to be this way.

Except I knew it did. As the pieces of my life shattered and reformed, I recognized the shape almost instantly. There was only one place left for me to go. I took the exit to the old (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. This book received 4.5 stars on Amazon. This prologue suffers from a couple of ailments. First, it ignores the fourth item in my checklist—no musing. The second ailment is that the musing is pretty much in contradiction of checklist item seven, no backstory. The result? No tension, no story question. Too bad, because at the end of the prologue there was this:

Just forty-eight hours ago, I’d stared at this same reflection from the waters of Lake Michigan off the deck of a yacht. Only then, my hands and feet had been tightly bound with zip ties as they’d pulled that dark-blue pillowcase off my head.

Now that is the stuff of a page-turner. I suspect that, with good editing, this could have been made to work. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

Title and author are done well, strong and clear. The image is a woman with a briefcase heading for a courthouse, so it communicates “legal thriller” well enough. Gets an okay from me. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 280: W. Glenn Duncan—uncommon technique stirs story questions

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next is the first chapter of Rafferty’s Rules: A Rafferty P.I. Mystery. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

Excerpt from a statement dated June 11, 1970, by Mrs Wilma Tunney, age 53, of 1123 Oakdale Lane, Richardson, Texas.

… and he pointed a gun at me and said he wanted the money from the cash register. I should have given it to him, but for some reason—I don't know what I was thinking—I slammed the cash drawer shut, pulled out the key, and tossed it back into the kitchen. Through the food service port over there. And I screamed. Did I ever scream! Phil—he's the day manager—said that was dumb. I guess he was right. The guy might've shot me. Instead, he …

Excerpt from a statement dated June 11, 1970, by Mrs Jeanne Philmott, age 31, of 5849 Gaston Avenue, Dallas, Texas.

… my Gina’s tenth birthday, so I took her and four of her friends out for hamburgers. While we were waiting for the food, the Mollison girl— Vivian — excused herself to go to the bathroom. Vivian is such a polite little girl. I wish my Gina had nice manners like that.

After Vivian left the table, I heard a scream. That short woman was over by the cash register. She had her hand over her mouth, like she had said something she shouldn't have.

There was a very tall, very thin man by the cash register, too. He had on dirty jeans and a long-sleeved shirt. And he had an odd gun. It sounds silly, I guess, but it looked like a pirate gun.

You can turn the page and read more here. This book received 4.3 stars on Amazon. I liked this different way of opening the story. The quotes from interviews give it verisimilitude, a sense that this really happened. And good story questions are raised right away, primarily “What’s going to happen next?” I think there’s tension in wondering about the fate of the girl who went to the bathroom and will likely be in danger. I’ll read more. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

Title and author are nice and strong, but what the heck is that image? After study, it seems to be a bearded guy smoking a pipe. What’s up with that? The title alone would have been more effective for me than an undecipherable photo. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

A freebie for you

I couldn't find anything I wanted to look at on BookBub this morning, and I don't have any writers waiting for a flogging, so I thought I'd give you something to chew on.

In 2018 I started giving away ebook copies of Gundown, a speculative fiction novel that addresses gun violence and the justice system.

More than 2200 downloads have taken place, though I have no idea whether or not anyone has read it. But I'm doing what I can to try to stimulate new thinking on gun control though a thriller.

So here's a link to downloading a Kindle, epub, or PDF of Gundown. I hope you enjoy it. If you do read it, reviews on Amazon are welcome. Go to www.gundownload.com.

For what it's worth,

Ray

Here's the first page:

The sky a sunny blue over Chicago, Hank lengthened his stride and sliced through the noontime trudge of pedestrians on Michigan Avenue. He didn’t want to be late— it isn’t every day an NRA executive calls you up and says he has a mission for you.

Oh, man, to have a life again. While he sure as hell didn’t miss the army, he hated not being a cop anymore, sworn to protect and serve. His sense of duty needed something to do.

He shoved aside a spike of fear that his PTSD would get in his way today— lifted by a rare rush of well-being, he felt sharp, at his best. This could be his road back.

No, more. A road forward.

Damned if he was going to be another digit in veteran suicide stats. A tiresome clump of a half dozen gang jerks swaggered toward him with cocky menace, three of them with pistols in their hands. Sure, they had the right to carry them, but these guys were pushing it. The gangbangers blocked most of the sidewalk, forcing people to step off the curb or sidle along a building front.

He locked his gaze onto the eyes of the center guy, who carried a Glock semi-automatic. Hank slid his hand inside his Windbreaker to the familiar feel of the .45 Colt semiautomatic in his shoulder holster and walked straight ahead.

The kid held onto his cool until they came together but, one stride from colliding, he (snip)

Flog a BookBubber 280: Anna Willett—lollygagging fails to intrigue

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next is the first chapter of Small Town Nightmare. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

Despite the dip in temperature, the night skies were clear and freckled with stars. Tim finished peeing and followed the light from his phone back to the tent. Once inside, he rolled out his sleeping bag, smiling at the ponies galloping across the nylon cover. The one-man tent and girl’s sleeping bag were a bargain at eighteen dollars and worth their weight in gold on cold nights. He’d also gone crazy and bought a battered copy of How it Works – Volume 5 for fifty cents. It was the one book in the series he’d never read, so the probability of coming across a copy at a small town garage sale was somewhere in the range of eight thousand to one. Maths aside, Tim took the find as a good omen, not that he believed in such things. Still, spotting the out-of-date manual on a table littered with porcelain dog statues and Tupperware containers set his pulse racing.

He closed the book and shoved it in his pack. If his sister, Lucy, could see him now, camped illegally just outside a small town, she might not be impressed by his choice of lifestyle, something they’d agreed to leave out their infrequent chats. But she’d certainly have something to say about his living arrangements.

Tim pulled a dark woollen beanie out of his pack and stretched it over his head, dragging the edges down so his ears were covered. Fishing his small stash out of a rolled-up pair of socks buried at the bottom of the pack, he threw open the tent flap and shuffled outside.

You can turn the page and read more here. This book received 4.5 stars on Amazon. The title and a blurb note that this took place in Australia pulled me in. But this opening sure takes its time building no tension. Thi is supposed to be a “gripping thriller full of suspense,” but you wouldn’t know it by this opening page. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

The title works nicely, and the reddish (blood?) color of the scene adds a nightmarish quality to the image, so that works for me. Once again, the author was cheated on the size of her name. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 279: Scott Blade—description stops the clock

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next is the first chapter of The Midnight Caller. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

Joseph McConnell, "Jo Jo" to his friends, left the meeting thinking that the right thing to do was to go to the FBI. But they weren't his first choice. His first choice would have been to go to the NCIS. But how could he do that?

He did not know who to trust. The NCIS was risky. Homeland Security would be monitored. And the FBI?

He just didn't know. He needed time to think.

McConnell was a retired military officer himself. He had not retired with the highest rank for a man his age, but high enough. He was satisfied. Having low ambitions helped.

Never had he been anyone important. Nor had he ever aspired to be. He was happy in his former position. He had been satisfied with his accomplishments in the shadow of greater men.

There was nothing to be ashamed of. In the same breath, he also had nothing to be proud of either. Not really. He lived a mediocre life because he was a mediocre man.

At best, he deserved honorable mentions only for participation, not anything more.

Today, he lived a nice little life in the suburbs outside of Norfolk, Virginia, a well-established neighborhood called Brampton Heights, with sprawling sections of trees, surrounding a mid-level golf course. It was quite the place to retire. Mostly, he had been able to retire there not because of his accomplishments in the Navy, but rather for his silence. He knew things, dark things. And he had been (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. This book received 4.6 stars on Amazon. The writing is okay, though for me too much time is spent on description. As a result, this first page doesn’t have a story question or much in the way of tension.

It could have, though. Cut some of that description (of a guy who’s soon going to be dead) and you could gotten this on the first page:

The thing he knew now that he had learned today was too much, even for him. It was a secret that he couldn't keep.

That raises a story question and suggests serious stakes. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

Title, subtitle, and author name are all handled well. But the visual? A man crossing a street? I don’t see a clue as to genre or story. I think this could have been done better. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Overwriting: the story killer

I’ve been busy with other projects this week and got so involved in them I forgot to break away and flog some writing.

But I continued to read a ton. I download BookBub novels for critiquing, and often read more of them. I have found keepers, authors who entertain me, and I track down more of their work and read it.

Reading the work of self-publishing writers has its hazards, though, primarily because they haven’t been edited. And I run into crippling narrative flaws.

Today I want to share a couple of examples with you. They are from The Shaman’s Secret. Here’s the passage that kicked off this post. A lawman is working to gather information and meets with a man who might know something. After the lawman arrives, greetings happen, we are introduced to the new character with too much description and backstory, and then this happens when the lawman, Rivera, asks . . .

“Did you hear about the shooting out in the Big Triangle yesterday?”

A legitimate question, don't you think? But, instead of answering it and continuing with actual story, the other character says:

“Wait, before you start, let me get us some coffee. I’ve got a pot brewing in the kitchen and I know how you are about coffee.”

“You read my mind.” Rivera had wanted coffee since he’d entered the house and his nostrils picked up the aroma.

Carey returned with two mugs full of steaming coffee. He handed one to Rivera and sat down.

“Of course I heard about the shooting, Manny. This is a small town.”

ARGH! Rather than getting on with the story, the writer actually stops all momentum by saying "Wait." Then coffee is served. 63 words wasted. Three paragraphs that matter not at all. Does the author think he’s adding characterization by this coffee ritual? No, practically everyone drinks coffee.

Will the coffee impact the scene or the story? No, not a whit. It’s just words that take up space. And time. And tension.

Speaking of just taking up space, here’s a passage from a little earlier when the lawman is learning about tracking devices.

Rivera wanted to ask a question about the handheld transceivers but Baxter kept talking.

“The technology is so cool. The collars send out pulse code modulated signals on an FM carrier...”

Singleton interrupted again. “Just a second, Charlie. Do you have a question, Deputy Rivera?”

So narrative is devoted to a character saying something that doesn’t matter. That doesn’t move the story forward. Why on earth would you spend words and valuable narrative to have a character take up time and words spewing stuff that doesn’t matter and has the story itself acknowledging that it is useless?

I won’t be reading any further in this novel. But it did serve to illustrate, one more time, the need self-publishing authors have for an editor.

For what it’s worth,

Ray

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My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.