Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
- It begins to engage the reader with the character
- Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
- The character desires something.
- The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.
Jide sends the first chapter of Chrome & Steele: The Paradiso Trials. The rest of the narrative is after the break.
Steele heard the crack before he felt the pain. The agony rivaled that of when he first woke up in this new world several days ago. But he had no time to focus on the drawbacks of his new powers. He needed to escape. Dwelling on broken bones would come later. He got back up and darted across the open valley becoming lighter with each stride—sprinting, dashing, then gliding. The second sun was setting which was a good sign that he’d distanced himself from Ruby and the cave in which she’d held him hostage. He felt relieved to be running on soft, even ground considering the burning river had charred his shoes after he’d jumped across, breaking his arm in the process. When he could no longer see the cave or the burning river, he stopped to catch his breath and collect his thoughts. /p>
A thief. That’s what she’d called him. He’d woken up, chained to a rock with nothing visible but shadows that danced on the walls with each passing sun. His only occasional visitor was Ruby, and she was crazy. No one steals from crazy. She’d torture him and then leave for hours before returning to repeat the process. It was shocking how fast his body healed just to be broken down again, his pleas choked with confusion. But from the moment he’d first opened his eyes, something deeper bothered Steele. He couldn’t remember any details of his life./p>
He lifted his head and scanned his surroundings. He felt as if his mind was playing tricks on him. He knew, conceptually, how the physics of a planet should work—one sun, one moon, (snip)
For me, this opening suffers from both too much and too little information. There’s a lot of backstory delivered, yet it’s incomplete—what are his powers? How did he escape? What cracked? Why? I think the author is cramming stuff in to hopefully orient the reader before getting into the story. My suggestion would be to open with him chained and not remembering his life and then have a scene that shows him escaping and, if appropriate, wielding a new power or powers so we can understand what they are. </p
This narrative needs to slow down and drop us into a situation where the character deals with a specific problem. If he was chained in a cave as it seems he could have been, give us the atmosphere of it—dank and dark? But he sees shadows, so there’s light? There’s not enough detail and setting to hold onto before the narrative moves on into something else. The later narrative gets into an interesting new world, but it still needs to slow down and let the reader experience it.
Your thoughts?
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ. Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
- Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
- And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.
Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2020 by Jide.
My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.
Continued:
. . . and predictable seasonal climates. But since his escape, he’d noticed the skies tended to light up and darken with no predictability. Maybe it was due to the many suns, the many moons, and the many stars that circled the world, or maybe he was hallucinating. He needed to find answers to why he couldn’t remember, but where to start?
Think, Steele. Ruby never revealed much, only her name and the fact that he could look forward to a long and excruciating afterlife. Afterlife? Had he died and gone straight to hell? If so, it might explain why he’d been dealt such a bad hand and why everything felt foreign to him—the air, the land, even his own body. He remembered thrashing against the rock for hours to no avail and how hard his hair felt as his dreads hung and brushed past his lips, the metallic taste full in his mouth. Metal hair? He must’ve been hardheaded in his prior life. He coughed up a rusty laugh. Despite the pain that coursed through his arm, it warmed him to be able to smile again. It was the only thing that felt natural.
The terrain cracked and shifted, shaking off Steele’s amusement. The ground beneath his feet grumbled and the valley morphed into staggered cliffs. Was this his power? No, this felt different. He tried to move but his body grew heavy. Not now he pleaded. It was becoming more difficult to ignore his growing yet inconsistent authority over gravity. The cliff tilted, and Steele slipped. With his increase in weight, he descended at an alarming speed and saw a figure at the bottom of the slope. Ruby? No, the person looked like a grizzly and disheveled man.
Before Steele could come up with a decent strategy, his face met the earth. Dust and rock flew up as he dented the ground. Great, that’s two broken arms. Pinned under the weight of his own power, Steele tilted his head up slowly, getting a much better look at the guy from toe to head. He was monstrous up close and towered over Steele at least by six or seven feet. Everything bulged out: arms, thighs, and head. He wore a shirt that hugged his frame a little too friendly around his protruding stomach, was a few shades darker than Steele, and bald as a rock.
“Nice hair,” the man said. “Most kid deities only bow as a sign of respect; you don’t have to go so far as to lay your life down.”
Kid deity? Maybe Ruby hadn’t been lying. Maybe Steele had died already.
The big guy lifted Steele by his broken arms. The pain nearly knocked Steele out, but fear filled him with a much heavier realization. He’d been caught. Should he fight or surrender peacefully? After all, no one really made it clear if he could die twice.
“Here, lemme fix those for ya.”
The man put Steele down and rearranged both arms back into place while Steele’s body took care of the rest. The pain subsided almost as quickly as it came.
“What do they call you young fella?” His gaze was full and friendly, catching Steele off guard. He realized that this was the only person he’d met in this strange world outside of Ruby. After a long silence, the odd and hefty man continued, “You must be a shy fella huh? You remind me a lot of my son when he was your age, suspicious but with eyes that confess you’re a good kid. Oh, and sorry about reforming the valley into cliffs. Didn’t know anyone was down there.”
So, it was him who tore up the valley. And he has powers too? The thought put Steele at ease. If he played his cards right, maybe Steele could fish some answers out of the cheerful giant.
The big guy crouched down to Steele’s level, bringing them eye to eye. “Well, my name is Sumo Bronze. Nice to meet’cha.” He extended his hand, but uncertainty still gripped Steele. His voice cracked as he spoke.
“My name is Steele Locs.”
He reached out to shake Sumo’s hand, but Sumo embraced him with outstretched arms, scooping Steele up into his chest. Steele resisted in reflex; the shock of contact reminding his body of the torture it’d endured. But Sumo had a gentle touch about him. The hug felt genuine, warm with compassion. Steele felt his limbs go weak from comfort. He pressed his fingers against his eyelids to hold back the tears. Sumo hadn’t noticed.
“What a fitting name for you, young fella.” He ruffled Steele’s dreads a bit before putting him back down. “We’re huggers in my family, and you looked like you needed one, kid. Now, do you mind telling me who or what you’re running from?”
Steele debated telling Sumo about Ruby, but he couldn’t take the risk. “I was just practicing my stride,” he lied.
Sumo frowned. “A child in danger is worth saving, but a child that lies only draws suspicion. I won’t push the subject though. It’s not my place.”
He folded his arms across his chest, his muscles pulsing as he tapped his fingers on his bicep. “I do have one question that you should probably answer honestly,” Sumo continued. “You sure did hit the ground a lot harder than I’d expect for a kid your size. You also seem rather new to Chrysos as well. But you didn’t come from one of the transmutation circles, did you?”
Steele froze. He didn’t fully understand his developing abilities himself; how could he explain it to someone else? If he revealed his powers, would Sumo make the same accusations that Ruby made? Would he think he was a thief too? Steele’s gaze shifted back in forth from Sumo, who just stood there waiting on an answer. Steele figured he might be able to buy time by asking his own questions.
“You sure do have a lot of questions for me, mister. What if I have some questions too? Like what’s a transmutation circle, and why did you call me a deity?”
Sumo’s eyes narrowed. “Didn’t anybody teach you that it’s rude to answer a question with a question?” Sumo held his piercing stare and Steele began to rethink his boldness.
“Ok, fine. The truth is, I don’t really—”
An overwhelming howl drowned out Steele’s response. His ears rang like screeching sirens and his eyes pushed against the walls of his skull as if trying to escape. He looked at Sumo for answers, but the oversized softy seemed unaffected.
“Ah, I almost forgot why I was out here,” Sumo said. He cracked a smile and turned to face a third sun falling behind the hills. “The little rascal must be beyond that horizon.”
Sumo started towards the hills then turned and gestured at Steele. “You coming or are you just gonna stand there? Regardless of who you’re running from, I guarantee you it or they won’t follow us where we’re headed.”
Ears still ringing, a strange mixture of curiosity and anxiety replaced Steele’s suspicion. If this intimidating but oddly approachable man was not out hunting him, then what had brought the big guy all the way out to the middle of nowhere?
Figuring that anywhere would be better than being caught by Ruby, Steele followed Sumo until they reached a narrow pathway burrowed among hills. The path coiled downward as darkness slowly blanketed the skies. Steele took an audible gulp as they continued to move forward. A few steps ahead, the pathway fused into a tunnel, which looked much more difficult to navigate, especially given Sumo’s size. He definitely would not fit through the opening, which left Steele a little disappointed. A part of him had a growing interest to see what else this quirky world had to offer.
“What will you do now? There’s no way you can fit in there,” Steele pointed out.
Sumo smirked and then lifted both arms until they were pressed against the walls of the tunnel entrance. The walls began to vibrate and move, just as the ground did moments before when Steele had slipped and slid. With a slightly less than angry expression on his face, Sumo focused, and his muscles tensed. The walls quaked and rumbled, and rubble rocketed down towards Sumo and Steele’s feet. It didn’t take much time for the walls to push outward, forming a larger, concave opening. Steele noticed that the exterior walls didn’t just move, but as he peered down the entrance of the tunnel, the entire path had widened, leaving more than enough room for a beast ten times the size of Sumo to wander aimlessly down the pathway.
They made their way down the enlarged passage. Sumo ran his hand along the interior lining of the wall, making subtle murmurs every few minutes.
“You know I can teach you right?” He said. “How to control your power. It’s not every day you come across someone who has control over one of the fundamental forces.”
He continued to yap on about these so-called fundamental forces and about teaching Steele to control his surroundings, but all of it just made Steele more confused. He had no idea what Sumo meant, or why the big guy would even offer to teach a complete stranger to control a power that seemed to do more harm than good. Sumo must have noticed Steele’s apprehension because he stopped walking, turn around, and mirrored the same confused look.
“You don’t know? Do you?” He said, his voice filled with disbelief. “You don’t know that you’re a Thief?”
If he still had a heart, it definitely sank to the pit of Steele’s stomach. The air lingered between them as if it took on a life of its own. Steele debated his next move. This was the second person to call him a thief, but he had done nothing wrong. He tried to turn and dart in the opposite direction, but Sumo gripped him by both shoulders.
“Mankind’s body boy, who have you been with up until I found ya?”
“Let go!” Steele protested, trying to shake himself loose from Sumo’s hold. I haven’t stolen anything!”
Sumo let out a long sigh and released Steele who fell to his knees. “On the contrary, you have stolen everything. At least from one unlucky existential.”
If Steele looked confused before, he definitely couldn’t hide it now. Thief? Existentials? What in the world was this man talking about? And then the word rang in his head once more. Existential. Flashes of memories flooded through Steele like episodes flowing in and out of his mind with no regard to his sanity. The memories felt familiar but borrowed. Existential. Ruby had referred to him as an existential on several occasions, but before he was tied to a rock. Yes, this was what she had called him at times before she turned demonic and tried to kill him. Yes, he had remembered her to be kind and gentle, a safe haven even.
Steele tried to grasp onto the lucid memories with a greater grip, but something else caught his attention. At the end of the cave, a sleek, four-legged animal paced back and forth. It had wings too big for its frame and goldish-brown fur. The creature was small and infant but built like it ate from the same dishes as Sumo.
“What is that?” Steele said, pointing in the direction of the restless animal.
“Ah yes! That, young fella, is a sith wolf, or rather a sith cub,” Sumo said, clasping his hands in excitement. “That’s what we came here for. Careful not to startle it. If you hear its howl three times, you’ll die.” Sumo bent down and gave Steele a quick nudge accompanied by a disturbing wink. “No pressure.”
Hearing Sumo’s advice and seeing the cub tense up as the two of them gawked and pointed didn’t put Steele at much ease. A lot had happened already since he’d escaped from Ruby, but Steele started to feel like he was no better off following Sumo either. The big guy approached the cub at a steady and cautious pace. As Steele watched Sumo, he could not help but admire his gracefulness. The way Sumo moved, he looked in perfect synchronized rhythm with nature as if he flowed with the wind. Steele started to fall into a trance watching him until his gaze shifted to the cub and noticed the small beast appeared less tense. It looked more inviting and docile rather than alarmed. It was kind of cute.
Within a few minutes, Sumo had gotten close enough to the cub to stroke its short fur. “It’s a trick we Hunters have,” Sumo said. “Animals and creatures of all kinds gravitate towards us. I only had to use lynpho because you were here.”
Again, Steele had no idea what Sumo was talking about; a developing trend that summed up most of their conversation.
“Lympho? Never heard of it,” Steele admitted.
“Lyn-pho,” Sumo corrected. He moved from stroking the harmless cub to making it perform tricks such as rolling over and waving its paw. “Lynpho is how we Hunters connect with our surroundings. It’s how we become one with creation and with death.” Sumo put an abrupt stop to his playfulness with the cub. “But now is not the time for a lesson in our ways. We must kill this one,” signaling towards the cub who had turned timid.
Anger and compassion boiled and mixed inside of Steele. “What do you mean, kill it? We just found it, and the cub hasn’t done anything to us. Does everything in this world need to be hunted?” He bent down next to the cub and wrapped his arms around it, pulling it closer to his side. “This cub doesn’t deserve to die, and you definitely don’t have the right to take his life.”
Sumo fixed his face into a stern look. “And who exactly are you to determine what lives and what dies? Given that you’re a Thief yourself, maybe you don’t belong here either. Maybe that’s why you’re on the run. After all, those who run make for the best game.”
Steele clenched his fist and gritted his teeth. “Am I running now?” He challenged.
The air began to thicken, and the weight of the world became heavier. Steele positioned himself between the cub and Sumo, stretching his arms to their widest wingspan.
“This cub won’t die today, and neither will I.” What a bluff. Steele thought.
He knew he stood no chance in a fight with this massive man, but he would try if it were the last thing he did. The ground began to shake, and Steele noticed Sumo’s muscles tensing. Steele prepared himself, but the pressure in his chest was overbearing. He felt as if he were suffocating under his own breath. He was afraid and it sucked. He had finally escaped from Ruby just to meet his death at the hands of this guy. Sumo took a step closer towards Steele and the creature which he protected. As Sumo moved closer, power rose from within Steele, ready to pour out all on his approaching aggressor. Maybe if he concentrated, Steele could make himself so heavy that Sumo wouldn’t be able to move him, and he would eventually give up. Yea, because that sounds like a hell of a plan. At least his dumb ideas would die with him.
Sumo stopped in his tracks and then howled a hearty laugh as if he had heard the stupid idea himself. “There’s no need to fight,” he said. “I will take you both in and teach you the way of our world.” In a flick of a moment the tension faded, and great relief poured over Steele. He slightly lowered his fist, which he hadn’t realized he’d raised in the first place, and eyed Sumo for an explanation.
“Easy, easy, relax,” Sumo encouraged. “Before I take you back to my home and family, I gotta know that you appreciate the value of life beyond that of your own. You’ve shown this, and I have no doubt that you’ll fit in with my family. Come on, you and the cub will be safe with me.”
Sumo turned and headed back down the way they’d come. The cub readily followed, flapping and tripping over its wings while trying to keep up with the big guy. Steele watched the two of them almost fade into the distance. His abilities had only started to form a few days ago, and he’d been on the run since. The memories that itched in the back of his mind suggested that he’d been on this world a lot longer than he had expected. He touched his hair once more and felt the metal locks rub against his fingers. He eyed his ragged clothing and softly brushed each hand across his once broken arms. It would be nice to settle in a safe place far away from threat and far away from Ruby. He lifted his head to fight back the tears once more. He hesitated on his first step and then broke into a sprint, waving for Sumo and the cub to slow down.