Flogging the Quill

Flogometer 1114 for Natasha — strong opening in historical fiction

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

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Natasha sends the first chapter of an untitled novel. The rest of the narrative is after the break.

Haifa, Palestine, 1948

I never thought we’d lose Palestine till they killed Isa. My parents never told me anything bad, but they had to tell me Isa was dead because we were best friends. I was sprawled on my bed lost in Dickens when they came to the door.

My father spoke first. ‘We need to talk to you, Salam.’

I dragged my mind from the bloodlust of eighteenth century Paris to see my parents hovering in the fading sunlight. “Is something wrong?’

They edged closer. Mama perched on the end of the bed, avoiding my gaze, while baba stood behind and studied the rock collection on my shelf.

‘You’re having another baby.’ I rolled my eyes. Women were always getting pregnant. ‘Two brothers are enough. I don’t want any more.’ My mother glanced at my father and I saw she had tears in her eyes.

I swallowed. ‘Is it Grandma?’

My father picked up a pink geode and squeezed till his veins protruded. ‘It’s your friend Isa. He’s dead.’

‘Dead?’ I pictured Isa on Mount Carmel not two weeks before, dark curls bouncing in the breeze. ‘He’s only twelve. He can’t be...’.The look on my mother’s face cut me short.

The subject alone is enough to kindle interest, and there’s drama in what happens, a child being told of the death of a friend. I think this could have been stronger if it alluded more clearly to what happened to the friend by stating that “He’s been killed.” rather than “He’s dead.” Death could come from many means, but being killed lets us know immediately that something wrong has happened. Instead of “why is he dead?” as a story question, it becomes “why was he killed?” I think the latter is stronger because it promises story to come.

There's a lack of clarity, too, in the second sentence. The use of "because" in "they had to tell me Isa was dead because we were best friends." makes this actually mean that, because Isa was a friend of Salam, he was killed. That's not true. To make it clear, how about "My parents never told me anything bad but, because Isa and I were best friends, they had to tell me he had been killed."

Your thoughts?

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2020 by Natasha.

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My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flog a BookBubber 278: Robert Swartwood—good writing, good story questions

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next is the first chapter of No Shelter. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

My flight gets in at McCarran a few minutes before midnight. Nova picks me up in a black Escalade reeking of stale cigarette smoke.

The first thing he says to me: “I know what you’re thinking and no, this isn’t stolen.”

The second thing he says to me: “You ready to kill some bad guys?”

He drives us to our temporary base of operations, a cinderblock storage garage on the outskirts of the city. Inside the garage are a table set up with computers, a card table covered with weapons, and what looks like a brand new Lincoln Town Car.

“Like it?” Nova asks me as we get out of the Escalade. “It’ll be your ride tonight.”

“Can’t wait.” I walk over to the card table, look at the mini-arsenal of rifles and pistols. Then I glance over at Scooter on the computer. “What’s up, handsome?”

He smiles at me, chomping away at his Bazooka Joe. “Hey, Holly, how was th-th-the flight?”

“Too short. They didn’t even serve me one of those tiny bags of peanuts I like so much.”

Nova walks up to me, holding a manila folder. “So you want to know who the target is?” “I thought you’d never ask.” He clears a space at the table and pulls up two stools. I take one and he hands me the manila folder. Inside are surveillance photos of a middle-aged man in a suit, balding with bushy eyebrows and glasses.

You can turn the page and read more here. This book received 4.2 stars on Amazon. The writing is good, the voice appealing. The scene is set, and characters are introduced in an understandable way. Even better, story questions are raised with the promise of shooting ahead. And then there’s the question about who these assassins are and why are they doing this. Since I don’t know where McCarran is, a hint that we’re in Las Vegas would have been helpful and easy to do. If there could have been a hint as to how the target is a bad guy, that would have been a plus. As it is, though, it worked for me. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

This cover has several things going for it. Silhouette of woman holding a gun—check, there’s a dangerous woman inside. Title smeared with blood—check, there’s mayhem inside. Typography in italics and sloping—check, the type adds energy. And the author’s name is good enough. A good one, IMO. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 277: Joy Ellis—it’s a scene, but still setup without story

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next is the prologue of Beware the Past, “a gripping crime thriller.” A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

The Fens, 1991

‘Do you like the dark, Matt?’

DC Matt Ballard did not hesitate, ‘No, I bloody don’t. Especially not in a place like this. It’s treacherous!’

There was a soft chuckle in the darkness. ‘I know what you mean. Not the most hospitable of spots, is it?’

Matt shivered and felt mud squeeze between his boots as he tried to find a more comfortable position. ‘How much longer do we have to watch this dump, Sarge? I reckon your informant just wanted to make sure we spent a really miserable couple of hours, freezing our butts off out on this blasted marsh.’

‘Patience, Matt, my boy, another half an hour and it will be dawn. My snout’s never been wrong yet. If she says someone is using this ramshackle old place for a drugs drop, then they are, simple as that.’

Matt stared at the shadowy outline of the decaying cottage. ‘I suppose she could be right. If you know your way around this terrain, five minutes on foot and you’re at the river, catch the right tide and another ten in a boat, and you’re out into the Wash.

‘Exactly. Where a nice Dutch cruiser is waiting to fill your little dinghy with enough junk . . . (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. This book received 4.5 stars on Amazon. Well, the setting is done nicely, and we are in an immediate scene. There’s a little tension—will the drug dealer show up? But is it compelling? There’s no real hint of danger for the characters here, at least they don’t anticipate any. Basically, this is setup, and for me there’s nothing that demands a turn of the page. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

While the cover does a fine job displaying the title and author name, for me the image does little to intrigue. It’s gloomy, and what’s enticing about a canal with nothing happening on it? And those roundish things—what are they? As an enticement, this cover doesn’t work for me. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1113 for Deborah — the “information question” issue stymies this opening

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Deborah sends the first chapter of The Ballad of Nick and Brenda. The rest of the narrative is after the break.

It was because of that jet that crashed right into his neighborhood in Brooklyn. December 15, 1960. That’s when Nick decided, even though he was just a kid.

He was the first one to see that DC-8 coming down that morning. Always in dreamland, always looking out those tall, grimy windows. Brother Michael had his back turned, the chalk tapping and squeaking as he finished putting a poem on the board. The knot of Nick’s school tie pushed hard against his throat as he stared at the thing outside, a steel whale on fire while the snow fell. It looked like it was headed straight for his school, but then it banked a little to the left, clipped a church steeple, then the fireball and a terrific bang.

In the two seconds before it hit, Brother Michael was turning and saying, “Scholars, when Mr. Blake says, ‘To see the world in a grain of sand—'” then he saw Nick’s face and looked out the window, just as the jet slammed into the ground and the whole building trembled.

All of them, twenty boys, rushed to those big windows. They saw Brother Joseph run out with his holy oils in case someone—anyone—needed last rites. When he came back ten minutes later, they crowded into the hall and watched as he pulled the heavy door open, snow crusting his black shoes, then shook his head at the question on Brother Michael’s face. He made a beeline for his office and shut the door in a way that said, Don’t ask.

And then a few minutes after that, a glassy-eyed Brother Michael came back from . . . (snip)

The writing and voice are good, but this opening utilizes what I call an “information question” as a tease to try to create tension. It doesn’t work for me.

An information question—as opposed to a story question—happens when an author deliberately withholds information that helps the reader understand what’s going on. In this case, it is what did Nick decide? Why isn’t it there? Why is it important?

It seems to be a key to what happens to him later, so why isn’t it here? It could raise a good story question to keep us reading. But it’s not there, and I can’t think of a single reason why not. Otherwise, it’s clear that there’s no harm to Nick in this opening, nor does it seem like there’s jeopardy ahead. He’s safe, unthreatened. So why would a reader wonder what might happen next to this character?

The answer to the information question does come at the end of the chapter, but the chapter has another issue, IMO—at the end, I still had no idea what this story is about. No story question has been raised, which is a clue that the narrative needs to start later, at a time when Nick faces something that forces him to act. I think there’s potential here, but we need a story to begin taking shape.

Your thoughts?

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2020 by Deborah.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flog a BookBubber 276: Shannon Heuston—strong start goes to backstory graveyard

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the first chapter of Wrath of the Sister. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

My fingers closed over the cold steel blade of the knife in my pocket as I huddled beneath the rotting planks of the old shed. The sun had risen, illuminating the icy splendor of the world around me, but giving no warmth. My heart thudded against my ribcage.

I heard the crunch of footsteps on the frozen snow. I held my breath.

“Melody,” she called, her voice clear in the crisp air, “come out. You don’t have to hide. I’m not going to hurt you. I’m your sister.” She giggled.

Those were the wrong words to say. I stayed put, my hand wrapped around the knife.

It began with Agnes Ripple, and she would have liked it to end with her. She died in the kitchen gasping for air, her eyes beseeching me for help. Despite everything, I would have given my life to save her. She did not deserve my loyalty.

Agnes gave birth to her golden child first, and therefore whoever came second could never quite measure up. Certainly not me. I should have been a boy. Maybe that would have evened the playing field. Instead, I was a dim second to the ethereal Laurel, slender, blonde, blue eyed, intelligent, mature, thoughtful, and well-liked.

I made a sad contrast, with my mud colored hair and intense, emo disposition long before it became trendy, a disappointment before I could talk. With Agnes, it could be no other way. complained to Greg, our father.

You can turn the page and read more here. The opening paragraphs, with one little criticism, do a fine job of raising story questions and immersing you in a character and a scene in which something is definitely happening and jeopardy is calling the protagonist’s name.

The one little hitch is having an exposed knife blade in your pocket. Seems like you could get cut that way. Is it a folding knife? If so, why is it open in your pocket? If not folding, why wrap fingers around the blade and not the handle?

But then, with “It began with,” we are transported from the now of the story to the then of the story, backstory. There goes tension. There goes page-turning. Stay with this strong opening and get us into the story. If all this backstory exposition is needed, weave stuff in later. I clicked ahead and the scene that started the story hadn’t resumed by chapter 20. Talk about bait and switch! This is not good technique. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

This cover is a tie for my former worst ever. The cabin in the snow doesn’t give any story or genre clues, and the author name might as well not be there. The image, typography, and layout do nothing to help a pretty good title to engage a reader’s interest. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 275: Rich Curtin—so-so narrative, but there’s a story question

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the first chapter of The Shaman’s Secret, Manny Rivera Mystery Series #7. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

Deputy Sheriff Manny Rivera was in an upbeat mood as he cruised through the curves of Highway 128 alongside the Colorado River. The massive red rock walls on each side of the river glowed a shimmering, copper color as an early November sun rose in a clear blue sky. The tourist season was winding down and the need for law enforcement actions was dwindling—and that suited him just fine. He was hopeful things would stay that way. Gloria Valdez would be arriving from New Mexico in three days and he didn’t want anything to interfere with his plans for spending a couple of fun days with her. The buzzing of his cell phone interrupted his thoughts.

The caller was Millie Ives, the sheriff’s dispatcher. Rivera had learned years ago that when she called him by cell phone instead of police-band radio, it was a sensitive and serious matter that she didn’t wish to share with the hundreds of Moab civilians who owned police scanners. He instantly feared his plans for Gloria’s visit were in jeopardy.

“Manny, a Moab local by the name of James Kirtland just called and reported a shooting out in the Big Triangle. One man seriously wounded. An EMS unit from Grand Junction has been dispatched. Kirtland said he believes the shooting was deliberate. The Dolores River is running low enough so you’ll be able to drive across the gravel bar at Roberts Bottom.” She gave him the GPS coordinates of the crime scene and directions for navigating the dirt roads which (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. This novel earned 4.7 stars on Amazon. Well, there are good mystery story questions raised in this opening—there has been what sounds like a murder, and we’re with the lawman. I didn’t feel a lot of urgency in this, though some is implied by the secretiveness of the dispatcher. I also thought the writing was a little clunky. But it looks worth one more page. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

For me, this is the worst cover I’ve seen. The author’s name is marginalized, and the background art doesn’t give me much regarding story or a crime. There are strange markings on the landscape, but they're hard to make out and I don’t connect them with mystery. Title is okay. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 274: Grant McKenzie—grim opening, lots of tension

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the first chapter of K.A.R.M.A.. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

The boy closed the cubicle door and dropped to his knees. The floor was cold and slick like a slab of mortuary marble.

In front of him, a man loosened his tie and lowered the lid on the discolored plastic oval. The man’s eyes drifted into puffy slits as he bent his knees and rested his back against the water tank. A familiar cool dampness eased the tense muscles in his shoulders and back.

The man’s trousers, subtle pinstripe with a shiny, over-ironed crease, and accompanying baby blue boxers dropped around his ankles with practiced ease. The silver buckle of his belt pinged against the side of the porcelain bowl with the gentle peal of a Christmas bell.

With greedy anticipation, the man inhaled deeply and curled his lips into a cruel smile.

The boy leaned forward, his timid gaze never rising above the man’s waist. Excited fingers slid through his hair and a quick glance skyward revealed the man’s eyes closed tight in ecstasy at the first gentle touch. A sharp, delicious tingle electrified the man’s body in a noticeable wave until his mind abruptly registered pain.

“What the fuck!”

The man attempted to jump to his feet, but two more sharp slices of agony opened rivers in his inner thighs to drop him back onto the toilet seat. His eyes widened as the boy stood up, slivers of glistening metal in his hands.

You can turn the page and read more here. This opening promises a grim story ahead. The pedophilia in action is hard to take, but then the twist raises story questions and sympathy for the boy. The omniscient narrative is fairly distant and not immersive, but, considering what’s going on, I think I’m grateful for that. I don’t want to be too deep in the experience of either of these characters. But the tension is strong, as is the “what happens next?” story question. I’ll look further. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

Good job on author name and title. But, for me, the art is on the muddy side and doesn’t communicate quickly. I sorta have to study it to realize the razor blade and blood, and I have no idea what the grid is in the back ground. Not a failure, but not a success, either. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 273: Elizabeth Sims—does voice do it for this one?

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the first chapter of The Actress. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

I screamed.

I filled my lungs with the stale, coffee-smelling air of the dungeon and let out a ragged howl that ricocheted off the cold walls. I closed my eyes and screamed again as every cell in my body writhed in a futile attempt to deny the horror that was being inflicted on me by the guy in glasses holding a small cardboard box that said Death.

The guy, who had introduced himself as Ned, stood to the side and brandished the box in his freckled hands. I decided to scream once more, this one a sharp, convulsive type of cry.

"OK," said the casting director, a thin black woman named M'kenge, with expressive hands. "OK, Rita, please do it again, only"—she cupped her hands as if to suppress a flower growing—"this time don't shrink down. Get all taut and tall, like you're going to break out of your skin." Upward release of hands.

I did so. I stood at attention, remembering I was supposed to be tied to a pole, put my hands behind my back—behind my butt, actually, which looks more like natural bondage because your shoulders aren't all hiked up—and arched my neck like Joan of Arc at the stake. Ned shook the box at me and I screamed.

When you take a breath to do a scream, you don't just grab a gulp of air and let go. You need to take the time to load your lungs all the way to the bottom. You need to pull all the slack (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes:

This novel earned 4.2 stars on Amazon. Right from the start, the voice in this narrative is engaging. The screaming opening is almost, but not quite, a bait-and-switch. Her ability to act is a key requirement for this character. But does this raise story questions? I guess there’s the “will she get the gig?” question, but how gripping is that? We don’t know stakes if she doesn’t (they are dire, for her), so the tension is low. My take: if she’d gotten the fact that the actress will lose her 4-year-old child if she doesn’t get work on the first page, this would be a go. As it is, the voice is enough for me to give the next page a look, but I’d better run into some story soon. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

For me, this cover is on the ho-hum side. It does a good job with author name and the title, but the images denote justice or a trial. I guess that’s okay, but not a lot of tension there. The green thing sports images of a scale, but you have to study it to get that. This is supposed to be a mystery, and I think the cover could be stronger. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 272: BV Lawson—Good writing is not enough

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the first chapter of Played to Death. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

It was a helluva welcome to a town. More a raw wound on the landscape than a sign—with large red letters weeping down the front of muddy plywood: Cape Unity, Home of Real Americans! Developers and Other Devils Turn Back Now! Scott Drayco hoped to take in some sights near the waters of the Chesapeake Bay, but this wasn’t what he had in mind.

The overlook next to the sign was deserted except for Drayco in his vintage Oldsmobile Starfire, its indigo paint coordinating like bruised skin with the amber sky. He climbed out and looked toward the Bay. The Atlantic Ocean on the opposite side of the Peninsula lay hidden from view by barrier islands, but it wasn’t hard to imagine long-ago European immigrants in fragile ships catching sight of these shores. Perhaps he shared more in common with those exhausted pilgrims than he cared to admit.

The cold wind blew stinging sprays of saltwater into his eyes, but it felt good. One way to know he was no longer hemmed in by an urban metropolis. Not to mention that unmistakable shore aroma, Eau de Seaweed with a pinch of fish market. He had to keep pushing wind-swept hair out of his eyes, his fingers pulling away dark strands. His barber said mid-thirties was a bit early to go bald, just lay off the stress and “you’ll be fine.” Maybe next lifetime.

Looking at his watch, Drayco heaved a deep sigh and slid back into the driver’s seat. The rumble of the engine’s eight cylinders probably sounded like a sea monster to the native wildlife.

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes:

This novel earned 4.3 stars on Amazon. This is a murder mystery. You got that from the opening page, right? Wrong. While the writing is good, as is the voice, there’s just nothing much happening here. The story could be about real estate developers for all we know. Perhaps using internal monologue to show the character’s thoughts that could create some tension would work. As it is, this doesn’t work for me. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

The bloody hand does a great job of communicating the genre and nature of the story. I think the old music sheet as the background is too muddy to understand at the sizes you see on the internet. If it were enlarged somewhat I think it would work. Title and author are okay, but I think the author’s name is not distinct enough from the red background. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 271: Daniel O’Connor—good start peters out

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the first chapter of Sons of the Pope. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

Even his thoughts were in Brooklynese.

Alls I gotta do is hope for a miracle. Not a Hail-Mary-catch-in-the-end-zone kinda miracle. Not even what they call the “miracle of childbirth.” I need an actual freakin’ balls-to-the-wall miracle.

And when the hell does it snow on Thanksgiving?

Peter Salerno grabbed a handful of socks from his drawer and tossed them into the open suitcase on the bed behind him. All the socks were black. Ham-fistedly digging through the dresser, he accidentally uncovered a black Smith & Wesson snub-nosed revolver. Once a gleaming prize of a weapon, it was now encased in a thin layer of lint and dust. Even so, it was still loaded.

***

The sun struggled to rise as the snow blew stronger in the Brooklyn dawn. Peter stuffed the final suitcase into the trunk of his worn beige Buick. He labored to fit it on top of the folded wheelchair. The fresh snowflakes melted on contact with his sweaty face.

No matter the temperature, humidity, or circumstance, Peter Salerno sweated. Now forty-one and heavyset with sprinkles of gray throughout his shiny black hair, he sweated no more or less than when he was a skinny teenager.

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes:

This novel earned 4.6 stars on Amazon. The opening pov character scene raises story questions right away—and I wished we’d stayed there when the narrative switches to a guy putting a suitcase in his trunk. If that part had had any tension, any promise of trouble ahead for the character, I’d have read on. As it is, it’s a tossup. Could be stronger. It would be an unearned page-turn, prompted mostly by the opening scene. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

Cover and title have a lot going for them. Knowing that popes aren’t supposed to have children, the “sons of” raises immediate story questions. The illustration of the bullet casting the shadow of a cross lets us know it’s crime fiction and raises more story questions. Finally, though the author’s name isn’t huge, it’s big enough, and its placement by the bullet assures that it will be noted. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.