Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
- It begins to engage the reader with the character
- Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
- The character desires something.
- The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.
Natasha sends the first chapter of an untitled novel. The rest of the narrative is after the break.
Haifa, Palestine, 1948
I never thought we’d lose Palestine till they killed Isa. My parents never told me anything bad, but they had to tell me Isa was dead because we were best friends. I was sprawled on my bed lost in Dickens when they came to the door.
My father spoke first. ‘We need to talk to you, Salam.’
I dragged my mind from the bloodlust of eighteenth century Paris to see my parents hovering in the fading sunlight. “Is something wrong?’
They edged closer. Mama perched on the end of the bed, avoiding my gaze, while baba stood behind and studied the rock collection on my shelf.
‘You’re having another baby.’ I rolled my eyes. Women were always getting pregnant. ‘Two brothers are enough. I don’t want any more.’ My mother glanced at my father and I saw she had tears in her eyes.
I swallowed. ‘Is it Grandma?’
My father picked up a pink geode and squeezed till his veins protruded. ‘It’s your friend Isa. He’s dead.’
‘Dead?’ I pictured Isa on Mount Carmel not two weeks before, dark curls bouncing in the breeze. ‘He’s only twelve. He can’t be...’.The look on my mother’s face cut me short.
The subject alone is enough to kindle interest, and there’s drama in what happens, a child being told of the death of a friend. I think this could have been stronger if it alluded more clearly to what happened to the friend by stating that “He’s been killed.” rather than “He’s dead.” Death could come from many means, but being killed lets us know immediately that something wrong has happened. Instead of “why is he dead?” as a story question, it becomes “why was he killed?” I think the latter is stronger because it promises story to come.
There's a lack of clarity, too, in the second sentence. The use of "because" in "they had to tell me Isa was dead because we were best friends." makes this actually mean that, because Isa was a friend of Salam, he was killed. That's not true. To make it clear, how about "My parents never told me anything bad but, because Isa and I were best friends, they had to tell me he had been killed."
Your thoughts?
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ. Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
- Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
- And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.
Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2020 by Natasha.
My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.
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