Flogging the Quill

Flog a BookBubber 264: Susan Lund—didn’t want to dig through the info dumping

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter of The Gifting. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor? Note: this book was $.99, not free.

No one rented cabins at that time of year, so it wasn't really his fault...

When Matt Logan, security guard for SecureTek, got a call that a driver passing through the area saw light coming from the cabin farthest from the main highway, he knew it meant his usually slack Sunday night was going to be different for a change.

His job was pretty sweet, all things considered. Most of his patrols included the businesses in the small towns between Bellingham and the border with Canada. Every night, his route took him along the road circling the lake, checking on the cabins to ensure they were secure, and none had been broken into. Occasionally, some vagrants or teenagers would jimmy a lock and spend the night, eating whatever food they could find before moving on, so he always had his gun in his hand when he saw any sign that the cabin was occupied.

He was supposed to drive by each cabin and check to see if things looked secure, but for the past few days, it had rained hard and the weather was cooler than normal for that time of year. He didn't check all the cabins as a result. Instead, for the past three nights, he sat in his truck on a side road and drank hot coffee from a thermos, listening to a metal station on the satellite radio. In fact, he hadn't driven by the cabin in question for six full days.

Now Matt knew he better check every cabin, just in case. The caller hadn't left his name, just said he was on his way through the area and had noticed the lights and thought someone (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes:

This book novel earned 5 stars on Amazon. The voice is fine, and the writing is good as well. There is a story question here—what’s going on with the lighted cabin? But the implied danger to Matt, the sloppy guard, isn’t imminent nor specific. He’s not very worried about it, is he? For me, the narrative spends entirely too much time with backstory on good ‘ol Matt and his duties. Just get to the cabin and discover those bodies if you want me to be turning this page. Gets a no from me. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

I think this cover works pretty well. The author name is prominent, the title even more so, and the graphic creates a mood of mystery and danger. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 263: K.E. Ganshert—Plenty of intrigue in this opening for this reader

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter of The Gifting. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor? Note: this book was $.99, not free.

According to science, humans have no souls. There is no afterlife or guardian angels or ghosts or spirits or anything at all supernatural. Our world is purely physical. The government has systematically removed God from society. He is no longer mentioned in the Pledge of Allegiance, no longer written on our money, no longer found in our Constitution or acknowledged in any of our political gatherings.

My father thinks this is a good thing. He believes the human race has caused enough damage in the name of religion. We are better off this way, more evolved, and anybody who thinks differently is a fool. He adamantly, wholeheartedly agrees with science. But I’m not as convinced. Because if science is right, then I’m crazy.

And crazy is dangerous.

Seventeen candles flicker on the cake, illuminating a portion of our kitchen. A pocket of warmth expands inside the room. One that has nothing to do with the cake or the people in front of me. The feeling doesn’t originate inside of me at all. It radiates from beyond the border of the light’s reach, pulsing in the dark. Something shimmers beside our refrigerator and for the briefest of moments—before that beautiful shimmering thing disappears—I feel terrified and brave all at once.

I blink and it’s gone. The only thing hovering near our refrigerator is empty air. The (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes:

This novel earned 4.6 stars on Amazon. I like the writing and voice in this post-apocalyptic tale. As is necessary in science fiction, there’s a certain amount of setup here. But the author limits it and gets to something happening to what seems to be a likable character.

There are hints of jeopardy for the chacter—thinking she’s crazy (I’m assuming female at this point because of the cover art) and that’s dangerous. Mysterious things happen, and I’m caught by two story questions—What’s going on here? and What’s going to happen next? This one worked for me. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

Advertising research tells us that one of the most powerful and eye-catching images is that of a human face. This cover, dominated by the eyes, uses that to good effect. The sparkly stuff at the bottom and the light behind the title reinforce the title by suggesting something magical or supernatural, which creates intrigue. This one worked for me. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 262: Peter Brassett—some mystery, some tension, but is it compelling?

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the prologue of False Flag. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor? Note: this book was $.99, not free.

She feigned sleep.

At last, silently, she slipped from the bed. Navigating by moonlight, she crept to the doorway and out into the front room. Here she paused, listening. From the bedroom, his breathing maintained its slow, even rhythm. From outside came only the sounds of the mountain: owls and rustling field mice and cold October wind whispering darkly through cedar and fir.

Her purse sat on the couch, beside his oil-stained Levi’s. Brushing a strand of hair from her face, she took a penlight from the handbag. The narrow beam swept around the room, illuminating empty forty-ounce beer bottles on the coffee table, a woodstove, an old Frigidaire in the attached kitchenette, a large Confederate flag hanging on one wall.

She opened the stove and stirred embers and ashes with a heavy iron poker. She looked inside the refrigerator, behind the flag, beneath the sink. She rifled through cupboards and drawers. In the small bathroom, she explored the medicine cabinet and the toilet tank. She returned to the front room and circled the perimeter, softly thumping the molding and the low ceiling, searching for drop panels or loose baseboards.

She went back into the bedroom. The penlight’s beam found swastikas, Celtic crosses, SS insignia, and Tyr runes tattooed across the sleeping man’s bare chest.

She looked beneath the bed frame. She opened dresser drawers. She pulled the nightstand (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes:

This book novel earned 3.8 stars on Amazon. There is some mystery here, what with “She” (I dislike unnamed characters, they lack humanity) searching surreptitiously. But, for me, there are unknowns that get in the way. What is she searching for? While she’s sneaking, and that implies risk, we don’t know the stakes, the consequences of discovery.

Nor do we have an idea of who or what this person is? A burglar? A cop? A what? What is her purpose? Those are not story questions, they’re information questions, often the bane of a gripping narrative—an uninformed reader is clueless as to what is going on.

Also, as an editor, I found this to be overwritten in spots—for example, the detail about brushing a strand of hair from her face really makes no difference to story or character. And I found it implausible that she could hear mice “rustling” when inside a house with wind blowing outside. This suggests that more of the same is to come, and I wasn’t up for that and won’t be donating $.99. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

Strong title and author name are good elements on this cover. The image of the capitol building revealed by a Star-of-David hole evokes suspense and an idea of a political aspect to the story, raising more story questions than the opening page does. The feel of the images is thrilleresque. So this worked for me. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 261: Peter Brassett—tension sinks under weight of setup

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the prologue of Rancour, number 8 in a mystery series. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

For the hordes of hardened hillwalkers who relished the challenge of a gruelling six-mile hike culminating in a treacherous trek along a barely perceptible craggy path shrouded in low-lying cloud, the reward for completing the arduous ascent to the pinnacle of Goat Fell was a stunning view of Jura and Ben Lomond in the north and Ireland to the south. However, for the foolish few who attempted to conquer the snow-capped summit without the protection of suitable clothing, the aid of a map and a compass, the light of a torch, or the potentially life-saving connectivity of a mobile phone, the only reward was a one-way ticket to the promised land.

* * *

Unlike the majority of islanders who relied upon the lucrative seasonal tourist trade to swell the coffers, McIver’s of Lamlash – with its corrugated iron roof and faded powder blue paintwork – derived its year-round income from maintaining everything from family saloons to row-crop tractors, and outboard motors to back-up generators, and functioned not just as a garage but as a community centre for talkative locals who, with scant regard for his workload, would often drop by unannounced for a strong brew and a wee chat with the convivial owner, John McIver.

As a first-rate mechanic, experienced climber, and volunteer with Arran mountain rescue, McIver thought nothing of downing tools and shutting-up shop in response to a callout which, (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes:

This book novel earned 4.5 stars on Amazon. The opening paragraph is unashamedly setup exposition, but it does conclude with a suggestion of danger to come—people who go there will end up in the “promised land.” Death.

While the paragraph doesn’t include a character, it works to get us to the part that does. But what happens then? We begin the introduction of a character with more exposition, more setup. I will wager you that Melver’s abilities as a mechanic have nothing to do with the mystery (I looked. It doesn’t.) Thus any tension raised by the soft tease at the beginning succumbs to tension-free, story-questionless info dump. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

The dark nature of the graphic does set a mood, a grim one. But I see no clues as to the nature of the story other than the quote at the top that declares this to be a gripping mystery. And, for me, the title does little to intrigue me or draw me in. And, as usual, the author name is too small—should be large and in charge at the bottom of the cover. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 260: J.J. Green—Strong action jump-starts the story

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter of The Concordia Deception, Space Colony One. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

Their planet had no name, but they were about to fix that. Cariad sat on the stadium bench, a little bored, waiting for the Leader to get to the point. The votes had been cast. All the woman needed to do was make the announcement of the most popular choice, then the job would be done and everyone could party. But like the natural politician she was, the Leader wasn’t going to miss out on an opportunity to speechify.

The colonists had been using the dry scientific designation or calling the planet their “new home” for long enough. It was time to finally settle the question of its name and get on with the colonization. Cariad stifled a yawn, conscious that, sitting in the box with the Leader, she was under everyone’s gaze. Ethan caught her eye and winked at her. He had to be finding the experience as tedious as she did.

The other members of the audience were tiring of the Leader’s drawn-out address too. The assembled Gens and Woken were restless and a low chatter had started up. Even the few Guardians present, stiff in their uniforms, appeared to be struggling to maintain their attention.

At last! The Leader was winding down her speech. She was consulting the interface in her podium. She placed a fingertip on the screen. “I am pleased to announce the winning name is—”

A massive explosion roared. Cariad was flung from her seat and through the air. She (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes:

This book novel earned 4.5 stars on Amazon. There’s a forgivable amount of world-building setup in this opening, and it does have a little tension—what is the name of the colony going to be? And the explosion at the end of the page does a fine job of breaking up the calm, nothing’s-happening of what’s going on. So, with some editing, the page does the job for me.

The narrative could use an editorial eye, though. For example, where is Ethan? It’s not clear where he is in the setting and it needs to be. There’s “telling,” too—show the audience tiring/being restless, don’t tell us about it. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

For me, all the elements but one work well. The art gives us a strong sci fi space image with a female protagonist facing something coming her way, and that works with the title. The font is nicely genre as well. The one element that falls short? The author’s name is too small. Your name is your brand, make it strong. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 259: Harper Lin—slow opening peters out for this reader

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter of Fur-miliar Felines, A Woder Cats Mystery. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

NOTE: I didn’t find this on BookBub, but it’s a free novel by an Indie author, so I figure it is much the same kind of self-publishing effort.

“Are you sure you think Jake will like these?” my cousin Bea asked me for the hundredth time as we stood in line at Paige’s Neighborhood Store.

Bea held up a pair of red-and-green Christmas socks that had a matching tie and kerchief. Paige’s was an old-fashioned country store in the bustling upscale part of town. They carried everything from jewelry to electric fireplaces.

“That isn’t all you’re getting him, right?” I asked. If that were all I got from my spouse, I’d be a little miffed.

“No. I already got him some of his favorite coffee beans and one of those army-style flashlights like the department gives them. He wanted one of his own. I picked up a new workout suit for him to wear to the gym. There was a sale on boxers and socks, so I stocked up on those for him. And then I also picked up…”

I nodded and adjusted my dusty-pink Santa hat as Bea rambled on all the things she had picked up for her husband. Usually we spent Christmas day with my aunt, Bea’s mom, who would cook a fantastic meal that actually included some kind of real meat like lamb or turkey. Had we left it up to Bea, we’d be eating tofu with bean-paste stuffing and a heaping salad of kale. The thought made me wrinkle my nose and swallow hard. Have you ever choked down kale? Ugh.

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes:

This novel earned 4.8 stars on Amazon. The blurb on the web page tells us that this is a fantasy mystery involving witches and magical cats, but there’s sure no hint of any of those things in this opening. The writing is just fine and the voice likeable, but where’s the story? This reader may have a following that will read on after a lackluster page such as this, but I just didn’t have any interest in learning more about what Bea’s husband will be getting for Christmas, and I’ll wager the gifts do not figure into this story.

I may look further into this book because I have a fantasy mystery featuring a cat character (a vampire kitty-cat) and want to see how this author handles it. But I can guarantee that there’s a ton more tension on my first page. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

The cat and Christmas themes are strong and clear, and the graphic on the cat does suggest magic. The design is eye-catching, too, and will signal to cat lovers that there’s something here for them. Along with the subtitle, I think this works. However, had I been an editor with a publishing house, I’m pretty sure that wouldn’t be the title even though it does hint at witches if you’re knowledgeable about cats being familiars for witches. The author treatment is just fine. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.