Flogging the Quill

Flog a BookBubber 258: Jillian Dodd—some flaws, but good story question

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the prologue for Spy GIrl. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

A man is being hung by his feet from the top of a sixteen-story building.

He tried to evade his pursuer but could not. The pursuer was like a ghost who would magically appear no matter where the man tried to hide.

And it is in moments like these that men experience clarity in their lives.

The dangling man knows he will die soon. And, still, he refuses to admit to the ghost that he had anything to do with the crime. After all, he was ordered to do so by a man no one dares to cross, for fear you will end up in a situation like the one he is now.

Fearing for his life.

He did not cross his employer, though. He simply made a mistake. Last night when he was three sheets to the wind, he may have been bragging about a job he did recently in Britain.

It was an easy job, kill a man who was hunting and make it look like a suicide. No one in the pub was surprised. The types that gathered at this establishment were all criminals of one form or another, but he’d gotten a big payday and it made him feel a few notches above the rest.

“Tell me who hired you,” the ghost yells at him, threatening to let go. The man shakes his head. If he tells, he will die— either by this man’s hand or his employer’s, and he’d much rather get dropped off this building than face what his employer would do to him. He should know. He’s fulfilled numerous contracts with explicit instructions for a slow, painful death. Or worse, (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes:

This 3-book novel series earned 3.8 stars on Amazon. In terms of story questions, this opening does a pretty good job. It may be because I’m an editor and have read so many novels, but the writing here falls short of top-notch, beginning with the cliché about being drunk. It’s okay to use clichés in a first draft to capture your intention, but they should be replaced with fresh ways to say it, IMO. There was unnecessary “telling” such as “threatening to let go”—we know that, it’s been shown. Still, I would have given a second page a chance based on the story questions. Your thougths?

Cover critique

I’m guessing that the target audience for this series is YA girls. If that’s the case, the cover should work just fine with its pinkness and illustration of a young woman. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 257: Cecilia Dominic—there’s trouble ahead, good story questions

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of Eros Element (steam punk). A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

Department of Archaeology, Huntington University, 06 June 1870

“Perhaps it’s time for you to settle down, Miss.”

Iris McTavish wrenched her mind into the present and away from the fascinating story the file in her hand told her, of frustration with academic strictures and lack of

collaboration. “Not you too, Sophie.” She shook her right hand, which one of her dear departed father’s files had graced with a paper cut, and stuck her newly lacerated thumb in her mouth.

“I know it’s not my place, Miss, but without your father bringing home his salary, how are you going to keep up the household? Cook and I are worried.”

Iris rubbed her eyebrows before remembering the dust on her hands. Now she was sure she sported smudges to make her look like a stage actor or some sort of urchin. “I’m working on that.”

A knock on the door forestalled the rest of the conversation, thank goodness. In truth, Iris didn’t know how she was going to continue to afford her household. Her father’s savings would run out by the end of the year if they lived frugally, and she couldn’t bring herself to sell the precious artifacts he’d left here and at the house. Being an archaeologist, in spite of its inherent excitement, didn’t do much to build the family coffers, particularly when medical bills piled up.

Sophie opened the door to reveal a messenger boy.

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes:

This novel earned 4.3 stars on Amazon. Although some of the details feel a tad overdone—I’m pretty sure the paper cut won’t affect the story, and the sentence about the story in the file was convoluted and not easy to parse—I felt that a good story question was raised and that the stakes were pretty high. Losing your home and household is an existential threat, especially for a woman in the 1800s. And I thought the last sentence with the arrival of the messenger did a good job of adding the the “what happens next” story questions raised by the character’s troubles. Get a turn from me, hoping that the overwriting will diminish soon. Your thougths?

Cover critique

I like this cover. Both the font and the illustration with “period” clothing give an idea of the nature of the story. It looks like the artwork is custom rather than a stock art purchase, and that ups the professionalism to expect with the story. It would have been nice to make the air ship in the background a bit more discernable, but this worked for me. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 256: Martin Turnbull—it was close, but there’s just enough here for me

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of The Garden on Sunset: A Novel of Golden-era Hollywood> (historical fiction). A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

When the Hollywood Red Car lurched to a stop, Marcus Adler pulled open his eyes to find a wheezing old conductor staring right at him.

Marcus looked around. He was the only passenger left. “Where are we?”

The conductor jerked his head toward the door. “End of the line.”

“Don’t suppose you know where 8152 Sunset Boulevard is?”

“What do I look like? A street map?”

Marcus took that for a no, picked up his cardboard suitcase, and climbed down to the street. A line of rickety stores huddled on the south side of Sunset Boulevard up to where the asphalt ended; a sign near the curb read LOS ANGELES CITY LIMIT. Past the sign, west of Crescent Heights Boulevard, Sunset disintegrated into a wandering dirt road. A knot of horses stood in the shade of a tree with thin, dusty leaves Marcus had never seen back in Pennsylvania. One of the horses raised its head to study him for a moment, then returned to grazing.

“Hey!” The conductor hung from the streetcar’s doorway. “8152 Sunset? Try thataway.” He pointed toward the horses.

Eighty-one fifty-two Sunset Boulevard, Hollywood, California. It was an address Marcus had repeated over and over to himself since that time when he was eleven years old, swollen grotesquely with diphtheria in the hospital. His parents had written Madame Alla Nazimova a (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes:

This novel earned 4.3 stars on Amazon. The writing is pretty good (I wouldn’t have the character “pull” his eyes open), and the voice is good. The scene is well set, especially for anyone who has seen the Sunset Boulevard of today. And Sunset Boulevard is a storied street that brings some level of interest to the scene. I think the description and scene setting are good.

There’s a little bridging conflict with the conductor to bring some tension to the page, but that quickly vanishes. Still, the narrative about repeating the address since he was ill and eleven years old does raise a pretty good story question: what is the appeal that is so powerful that it lasts over what must be a fair number of years since this seems to be a man who is on the trolley. The combination of those elements got a turn from me—but we’d better get to story darned soon. Your thougths?

Cover critique

This cover is sorta okay in that it evokes “historical” and old Hollywood with the sign in the background. But the "The" and "on" in the title are not legible enough--we should be able to get the whole title. Not much of a hint as to the nature of the story, but maybe that’s okay for historical fiction fans. Once again, the author’s name is entirely too invisible. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 255: Dave Stanton—for lessons in yawn-creation, this is the book for you

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of Stateline. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

I knew Wenger would be pissed I was bailing early, but he would have to live with that. Unfortunately, I had to live with it, too. It wasn’t that I considered him a bad person, but as a boss, Rick Wenger was a tremendous pain in the ass. Besides being a chronic clock watcher, he was also the most obsessive tightwad I’d ever known. He always felt a three-dollar lunch tip could trigger financial disaster, and habitually pinched pennies to the point that the effort far outweighed the fiscal benefit. In the two years I worked for him, he’d never bought me lunch, and after a couple of embarrassing restaurant incidents, I’d started picking up his share of the gratuity.

As an investigator, Wenger also left much to be desired. His latest fiasco was his interview with Lem Tuggle the day before up at San Quentin. Tuggle, a psychotic 250-pound ghetto thug, despised the white establishment and was well known in San Jose law enforcement circles for his history of violent offenses. Wenger had insisted I go with him to the interview in case things turned ugly.

“My schedule’s packed, Rick,” I told him.

“Rearrange your meetings, then.”

“What do you think he’s gonna do, leap over the table and attack you?”

“He’s in prison for an unprovoked battery on two white businessmen in broad daylight.

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes:

This novel earned 4.2 stars on Amazon. Where to begin? Here’s a writer who needs to bone up on the notion of having tension in a narrative, especially that of a “hard-boiled crime novel,” as this is billed.

First we start with bitching about the lack of many things in his boss—how does his cheapskateness and incompetence affect the story? Certainly not on this page. And then we jump into the past, to the then of the story, not the now of the story. I read ahead (well, I skimmed). None of this impacts the story. None. After this, we hear more on the incompetence of the boss, then the protagonist files a report, and then he talks with his ex about attending the marriage of his daughter, and then he goes to Colorado for the wedding and then . . . and then I gave up. There was no story, much less a crime, in sight.

Cover critique

While it displays a pretty scene that gives a picture of the eventual setting, for me if fails to evoke any sense of crime or suspense. It’s just a small town in the winter. I also don’t think the title, Stateline, serves the author well either. What does it mean? That there’s a border between states? How much of a grabber is that? No go for me. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1112 for Diane — Prologue is a go, but I wish the chapter had kept up the pace

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

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Frank sends the prologue and first chapter of Porro. The rest of the narrative is after the break.

Prologue

By the light of the moon you can catch fireflies, or sit by a campfire watching the embers drift up toward the stars. You can stroll down a dirt road, or sit on your back porch with a glass of iced tea. By the light of the moon you can propose marriage, or leave your lover.

And by the light of the moon, if you have a shovel, you can try to bury your past.

That's exactly what Jack Cicero had in mind, on this night in early June. If life was going to screw with him, then there was only one thing that he could do.

The sun had already dipped below the horizon, and the full moon was threatening an early appearance. As he ducked under a canopy of pine trees, darkness shrouded him. He had to use his flashlight. The bright light stretched along a bed of pine needles. All of his senses went into high alert. He pushed his thick eye glasses tighter on his nose, and strained to listen for the sounds of approaching cars. He was far enough away from the road, and there were plenty of young trees, but still one couldn't be too careful. He was alone with only the sounds of the Snake River choking itself on the rocks in its path; and the sound of his pulse pounding in his head.

He pushed on not willing to test his luck. He spied a large rock under the trees, and set the flashlight down in such a way as to shield its beam from the distant road. If he heard anything, he could grab the light in an instant and kill it. Setting his shovel against the rock, he lowered his burlap bundle to the ground. He shook his head. There was no turning back now. He sighed, and straightened his shoulders.

Chapter 1

Cassie Klein parked her car in front of her mother’s house and turned off the engine. Despite the fact that it was just five o’clock in the evening, the sky was quickly darkening as black as night with the threat of a whopper of a thunder storm. Maplewood was going to get slammed. She absentmindedly ran her fingers through her strawberry blonde hair.

“C’mon Cass, we've gotta get inside before this rain hits!” said Maggs from the shotgun seat.

“In a sec,” Cassie answered. “I need to check my phone. Thought I got a message from the office.” She tapped her smart phone, not bothering to take off her seatbelt.

“Now? Cassie, it’s like going to pour on us at any second.”

“Hold on a sec.”

A recorded voice filled the car. “Hi Cassie, it's Grace Steiner. Since Dr. Fuller counseled us on the love languages, well, Jim and I are like newlyweds again. He's a bona fide miracle worker,” regaled the voice in the message. “But I guess you already know that. Anyway, we both decided that we need some time alone together, so Jim is taking me to Hawaii. Can you believe it? Sun and sand and... well you never know what else. So needless to say, we won’t be needing our appointment next week. Anyway, could you be a real doll and cancel it? I'll call you back to schedule our next session when we get back. Oh, and give Dr. Fuller a big hug for me. Ciao.”

Cassie sighed. Some couples have all the luck.

The prologue works pretty well, primarily because a mysterious mood is done well and there’s a good story question or two: what’s in that bag, and why does he want to bury it. So yes, I would turn the page—though it could use an eye for punctuation, and the mention that his glasses were thick is a break in point of view—he would not normally be thinking of the thickness of his glasses.

The chapter one opening has issues, though. There’s another pov break with her thinking of her hair color, but that can be fixed. There’s jut no tension here, no story questions raised, no hint of what the story is about. I urge Diane to look over the checklist and think about how to incorporate a problem and a story question here.

Your thoughts?

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2019 by David.

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My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flog a BookBubber 253: Cole Baxter—oh, no, a dream opening + POV issues

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of Stolen Son. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

My heart raced, Greg’s fingers tangling through my thick hair as he kissed my body. Everything was perfect. His platinum hair reminded me of someone else. An uneasiness started to rise in my body, yet everything seemed so wonderful! I tried to let the pleasure of being with my husband consume me again. Nothing seemed to work. Something wasn’t right, yet I couldn’t place my finger on it. Begrudgingly, I shoved Greg away. I had to find our son, Gregory.

He glared at me as my pleasure turned to fear. His eyes, once as blue as the ocean itself, had changed. There was nothing but darkness in them. I tried to scream but the sound wouldn’t escape my throat. All around me, the bedroom began to shake as pictures fell from the walls. Behind them, blood oozed out, thick and black like putrid sludge. Greg was gone, and the dark figure which replaced him triggered my fear and memory. He was the bad man, the one who liked to force his way with me.

Before his thick fingers could wrap around my throat, I screamed again, praying for anyone to hear me and come to my rescue but knowing it was already too late. I closed my eyes as his figure faded away. It wasn’t until the menacing laughter stopped that I opened them again. A woman ran into my room, fear creasing her youthful face as she rushed to my side.

“Ms. Simmons! Are you in pain?” she yelled over my screams.

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes:

This novel earned 3.8 stars on Amazon. In addition to this being a dream opening, a kind of bait-and-switch tactic, craft issues abounded. POV issues in the opening paragraph were the protagonist, in the midst of great sex, thinking about the thickness of her hair and the color of his. In another paragraph, menacing laughter that had not been introduced into the scene stopped. A definite no-go from me.

Cover critique

This cover is more professional than the writing. The title is intriguing and well set off against a moody, forbidding background that reinforces the title. The author name is adequately sized, though why not make it as large as possible, there’s plenty of room. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

What if . . .

Just about to head out for a full day of workshops, but I want to share something with you to think about.

Backstory: I'm doing a total overhaul of my first vampire kitty-cat novel with the goal of including the other primary character, Meg, as a POV character--the original is all narrated by my cat, Patch. I've just started on revising.

While she is a main character, another character appears in a supporting role right at the beginning, the woman my vampire kitty-cat lives with--his associate. He's been with her for years, and they have a warm relationship.

In one of Donald Maass's workshops, he proposed this question: what if you kill a character your protagonist cares about?

Thus challenged, I had to think about it. The question expanded to what happens if my hero is the one who kills that character?

Holy cow! It would make for a helluva dramatic turn right at the beginning of the book.

It would also introduce a very dark element into a comic novel.

I'm going to try it. I don't know if I can bring that off, that combination of humor and darkness, but I'm going to try it.

At the end of the workshop I went up to Don and said, "Don, you have just destroyed my novel. Thank you."

So try that question out on your work in progress and see what happens.

Best,

Ray

Still out

Sorry to disappoint, but I'm still consumed by the UnConference, gotta get going to breakfast. The workshops have been terrific, and tonight I do my Flog a Pro gig. It will be fun.

I'll do my best to be here Friday.

All best,

Ray

Going to UnConference today

I'm traveling to Salem, Massachusetts today (ungodly6:00 a.m. flight) to take part in the third UnConference created by Writer Unboxed. I'll be teaching a "Flog a Pro" workshop where we analyze the first pages of bestsellers.

I should be able to post from there later this week, will do I if I can. I expect a lovely time with the WU community of writers and publishing professionals.

Write among yourselves.

Ray

Flogometer 1111 for Frank — prologue sorta works, but the first page shuts me down

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

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Frank sends the prologue and first chapter of Porro. The rest of the narrative is after the break.

Prologue

Sparkling sounds and mellow sights of a perfect noon-time summer day at any lakefront park anywhere in the world. Blue sky containing a tender breeze that nudges a few light-colored clouds. A young woman is walking a white Peek-A-Poo. “Mellie, baby… Could you please just do it for Mommy? She has to get back to work.” Mom and Dad, or maybe Gramma and Grampa, are feeding little ones a picnic lunch. Friends running down a wayward frisbee and laughing. Splat of collapsing cornhole bag and the pulse of bass from open windows and sunroofs…And a scream…Ripping, from deep within the heart …trailing off to a moan tinged with sorrow and sad, frightened recognition.

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Fuzzy little Melanie had made a discovery. She was tugging a piece of soiled white cloth from one of the large squared-off openings in a dark green heavy mesh-plastic trash container. At first it seemed quite ordinary. But puppy’s mistress walked over to her good girl and quickly spotted the blood. And the smiley face. And she realized it was the tee shirt that all Northeast Ohio, as well as parts of eastern Indiana, Northern Kentucky and Southern Michigan had been seeing in their newspapers, on their TV screens and in Face Book newsfeeds for three days. It was shown next to the photo of a six-year-old-girl who had vanished from a supermarket parking lot in the nearby Ohio town of Ellinville.

Chapter 1

Twelve minutes later two Major Crimes detectives were on-scene. Michael Friedman had been on the unit all of a week and a half. His lead, Stan Porro, had twelve years on the job, nearly five in Major Crimes. On the short drive from Headquarters building they had only the briefest time to discuss the call.

“So whaddaya think, Stan? From what dispatch told you, I’m feeling edgy.”

“Good. I’d be worried if you weren’t.”

“Is it that missing kid?”

“Gotta be. Just the blood, maybe not. But that goddam smiley thing…

“Wow…Shit…”

“Ditto. Looks like you’re playin’ in the majors your first time up to bat.”

Porro pulled their unmarked Dodge Charger off Lake Road into the park entrance. He drove to the rear of the area and into a slot opposite the trash can, hood facing Lake Erie. They were three slots away from the black and white.

“Mike, go tell the uni to widen that perimeter by about ten yards. Then take her squad down to the entrance flip the lights on and block it. I’m calling CS. Stay there till they arrive. Hopefully, they’re not already out at another site. If we’re lucky we may be able to reopen the park before too long. The uniform will relieve you when she’s finished taping. And get her (snip)

The writing is okay, though there is a fair amount of “telling” in the narrative (eg. Fuzzy little Melanie had made a discovery.). But why did the scene-setting place us in a park anywhere in the world when, it turns out, it’s at Lake Erie? Ground us on real ground, not imaginary ground.

And I wonder why this is a prologue instead of the first part of chapter 1? Chapter one starts 16 minutes later. In my view, the prologue should be a scene that starts chapter one. A line break and a transition can easily bring the cops in.

As for turning the page . . . the discovery of a child’s body is certainly enough for me, though I’m not eager to read about the crime. But the chatter between the cops, including joking about hitting on a woman while responding to the murder of a child didn’t work to make me want more. This might be a fair representation of gallows humor among cops, but for me they should have been upset and concerned, not playful. So no on the first chapter—I didn’t really want to spend any more time with those guys.

Your thoughts?

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2019 by David.

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My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.