Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
- It begins to engage the reader with the character
- Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
- The character desires something.
- The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter of Rose City Free Fall, a thriller. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?
As soon as James Wendt was done having sex with his girlfriend, I was either going to arrest him or kill him. It would be up to him which happened. I sat there listening to the sounds of creaking bedsprings and slapping flesh coming from cheap speakers.
My partner Mandy and I sat in a dusty storeroom over a Korean market in Northeast Portland. Mounted on a tripod between us was a laser microphone. As long as I kept it aimed at the window of the house across the street, we could hear what was going on inside.
I put my magazine down, checked my watch. They'd been at it for four minutes.
"Soon. He won't last much longer." Mandy nodded, a little pink under her freckles.
She was more than ten years younger than me. I sometimes felt like I was toting a high school kid around, but she was a good partner. I tended to go through partners quickly. It wasn't that we didn't get along, just that I tended to wear them out. They couldn't keep up.
The noises from across the street came to a crescendo. To my ear, Brenda, James's old lady, sounded like she was faking it. She should have plenty of practice. James came by every month like clockwork, made her cash her state checks and give him half the money.
I stood, wincing at the pain in my knees. Who knew that when I jumped out of airplanes more than fifteen years ago, the wet Oregon winters would make me pay for it now? I took a few seconds to limber up. It might be important later.
You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes:
This novel 4.4 stars on Amazon. That opening paragraph does a fine job of establishing voice, writing chops, and setting a good story hook. What will happen next? Will he arrest the guy or kill him? There is trouble coming for someone. The rest of the page sets the scene and introduces character, but still keeps the story ahead in mind. The last line on the page about it maybe being important later that he’s limbered up promises action ahead. So this works for me in several ways. Your thoughts?
Cover critique
While the silhouette of a guy with a gun does a good job of identifying the genre, I found the cover gloomy and uninviting. The “Rose City” part of the title caught my eye as I live in Oregon and am frequently in Portland, the Rose City, but “Free Fall” didn’t translate into something suspenseful. And, as usual, the author’s name is FAR too insignificant and will not work to help establish a brand. DL could have used a different book designer, IMO. What do you think?
My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.