Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter of The Last Teacher. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?
- Forty days until the first body is discovered –
“Why do you want to be an English teacher, Mr. August?” The question came from Principal Martin. Her hair was back in a hasty bun, she wore no makeup, and she was apparently too no-nonsense to waste time on smiling. I liked her.
“I worked at a church previously and I was awful at it,” I replied. We sat in her small office, walled in by overflowing bookshelves. “But I liked the teaching.”
“You look too big to be a pastor.”
“And too handsome,” I said. Her eyebrow arched and she remained quiet. Perhaps she was blind. “I wasn’t a pastor. I worked with the youth group.”
“Why did you leave that job?”
“I cursed in the pulpit a few times. Huge no-no.”
She laughed, slightly, as did one of the other three women in the office. The young, cute one. Really cute. The other two did not laugh. Perhaps they were deaf.
“That’s a deal breaker for God?” the principal asked.
“Not necessarily for God.”
“Your resume says you used to be a police officer,” said one of the older women in the room, reading over a paper through her bifocals. “Why did you leave that job?” “A cornucopia of (snip)
This novel 4.5 stars on Amazon. The voice and the writing are professional and suggest that we’re in the hands of a good writer. I liked the opening tease about the number of days until the first body is discovered—a clear promise of murders and mystery ahead.
The narrative then dives into backstory for the protagonist, which would ordinarily be a mistake but, in this case, because of the voice and the humor woven in, the narrative carried me along. And then we got to the revelation that he is an ex cop, which promises more story elements and questions: why isn’t this likeable character a cop any more? What’s going to happen next that leads to a body or two? Strong voice and humor plus the tease worked for me. Your thoughts?
Cover critique
The cover is graphically strong--the red of the cover, the gun and shooter silhouettes are effective at communicating the nature of the story. The uncommon vertical alignment of the title and author are unusual and eye-catching. The title is strong enough to work in this alignment, but the author name is too small. As a designer, I think I’d have tried the gun at a diagonal so the title would be more readable and larger. And angles have a way of adding energy to an otherwise static composition. It passes, but could be stronger, IMO. What do you think?
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter of Lies Come True . A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?
The whistling woke her up. It was a quick, unfamiliar tune that sounded joyful.
Pain shot through her leg, and forced her to roll over on her side. The path felt cold beneath her arm and leg.
“Help,” she whimpered out into the park.
Blood poured from where the bullet had ripped through the side of her thigh. She cupped her hand over her wound as the warm blood trickled over fingers. When she applied pressure, her hand jumped off of the wound, and she yelped in pain.
She wiped her hand on her shorts and strained her neck to look back down the path, toward the whistling.
She took a deep breath and yelled. “Help, I’m over here.”
Trees surrounded her, and as the sunset cast their shadows across the path, she could make out a dark figure.
She scrambled to stand, and her leg burned as she eased pressure onto it. When she turned back, the whistling stopped, and the figure ran toward her.
Everything in her told her to run.
Her foot hit the ground for the first time, held all her weight for a moment, and in that moment, the pain was worse than anything she had ever felt.
This novel 4.3 stars on Amazon. The writing is fine, and so is the voice. There is tension, and the character certainly has a problem. So, from a technical point of view, this should earn a page turn, and I’ll score it that way.
But, and I’d appreciate your thoughts on this, this is yet another opening showing a victim of a killer about to be murdered. A standard opening for serial-killer stories, but hasn’t that become a cliché? Am I just jaded to think, “Oh, no, not again?” Wouldn’t this be just as effective, if not more, if it opened with the cops on the job and dealing with a body? I think so. Oh, in case you’re tempted to check this out, the comments on Amazon warn that this isn’t a stand-alone novel—it ends with a cliffhanger and no resolution. Your thoughts?
Cover critique
The image of a young woman facing a dark and mysterious forest does a good job of setting mood for a mystery/thriller, and the title stands out nicely. So far, so good, but that pitiful display of the author’s name needs work—there’s no reason it could not be quite strong in that p;osition if it were larger. What do you think?
I'm traveling this morning, but I have a post up on Writer Unboxed about a lesson I recently learned about reading your manuscript aloud. The post is here.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter of Give It Back. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?
My phone vibrates, and my arm swings out, propelling my glass to the floor. The shatter echoes throughout my apartment as red wine seeps along the grout lines of the kitchen tiles. It looks just like the blood that pours from the victims’ bodies when I force my blade into their skin. I grab a towel to stop the wine from reaching my beige carpet in the next room. My eyes move back to my phone. Guilt slithers through me as my sister’s name flickers on the screen. I should’ve called, asked her how she’s doing.
“Lorraine,” I say. “How are you?” There’s silence. “Lorraine?”
“Hi, El.” She’s breathing deeply on the other end.
I tiptoe around the kitchen bar to avoid stepping on the shards of glass and slicing up my bare feet. “Are you okay?” I ask. Another pause. “Can you hear me?”
“I need you.”
I swallow hard, my eyes dashing around as though I’ll find an excuse in my apartment. “The au pair is still there, right? The one from London?” This could be a replay of the night she called to tell me what the doctor had said. I’ve known about her diagnosis for eight months, and I haven’t visited her once. A good sister would’ve made the short flight from San Diego to Seattle to support her, but I haven’t.
This novel 4.1 stars on Amazon. I had mixed reactions to this opening page. I thought the part about slipping her knife into “the” victims was a fun tease—I think it’s clear that it’s not “my” victims, which suggests some kind of forensic work.
That starts some tension, and there is character tension brought in by her avoidance response to hearing from her ill sister. Trouble in that relationship. A story question rises: what is that trouble? And what is wrong with the sister that’s strong enough to motivate her to call her estranged sister?
But then there are issues with the writing that are turnoffs for me. The overwriting inherent in the description of her tiptoeing around the kitchen, action description that is completely unnecessary. And then her eyes do things that just can’t happen, a pet peeve of mine—they move to her phone, they dash around. Gazes do those things, not eyes. So, with that and the low level of tension, this was a pass for me. But it was close. Your thoughts?
Cover critique
A key element in cover design is how well it communicates in the thumbnail size you see on sites such as Amazon. This one doesn’t hold up well, does it? It’s darky, so dark that you can’t make out what is there other than some gloomy gray clouds. There’s a field of something, but it’s hard to see what it is. And what does it have to do with the “It” in the title? There’s no clue to story here, either in the title and cover art. Lastly, the author name is way too faint and small. Be proud of what you’ve written, put you name out there with it. What do you think?
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
The author contacted me and asked for removal of my critique of her novel. Although under copyright and fair use laws I have the right to critique publicly available material, I will do so. A better option would have been for the author to have learned something by the voting on the subject--78% of FtQ readers said they wouldn't have turned the page.
Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.
Jeff sends the first chapter of It’s ALL About Respect. The rest of the narrative is after the break.
An admiring Dr. Sam Wright thinks This looks fantastic! as he finishes waxing a black as night shadows on deep waters Jaguar XJ, his pride and joy.
It's a typical September day in Mobile, still above a piping hot ninety degrees and two hundred percent humidity despite being dusk.
“Gonna take off these sweaty clothes, starting with this tee-shirt,” he shouts to his wife Donna as he tries a Hulk Hogan imitation. It doesn’t rip, he pulls it over his head.
“Shorts coming off now. I’ll be naked as a jaybird, nothing on but tennies. Hope the neighbors are watching.”
Donna laughs as she watches him through a kitchen window.
Hearing her, an amused Sam feigns exasperation, stomps to the XJ. The 'cool as the other side of the pillow' seat is fantastic against his skin as he idles it into the eight car garage. While savoring the tranquility of the moment, the aroma of the tanned leather, he receives an ear-splitting WHAM!
What the hell?
A concrete anchor has fallen from a rafter.
She’ll nag me, use her grating sing-song voice to say 'I told you to get rid of it' if she discovers what happened. How do I keep her from spotting the damage? I know, I'll hide it from her.
Prior to Sam's excitement
For me, there are issues in this narrative, beginning with story questions. Yes, something goes wrong and one is raised—how will he avoid getting grief from his wife—but that is hardly compelling.
The point of view shifts from distant to close and back again—the “admiring Dr. Sam” and “an amused Sam” descriptions are from outside the character’s point of view and are “telling.” Then we slip inside his head to get his thoughts. If the goal is to immerse the reader in the character’s experience—I think it should be—then the POV needs to be managed better.
There’s a continuity issue in the description of the car seat—it is more than 90 degrees, he has just finished waxing the car (apparently) outdoors in the sun (which isn’t actually a good thing to do), yet the car seat against his skin is cool. That does not compute.
Compound adjectives: there are descriptive elements that should be compound adjectives held together by hyphens. For example: black-as-night-shadows-on-deep-waters; cool-as-the-other-side- of-the-pillow, and eight-car garage.
One other thing: the mention of a “concrete anchor” didn’t work for me, mostly because I didn’t know what one was. I assumed that it was some kind of anchor made out of concrete, but a quick Google search says it’s a bolt of some kind that is inside concrete. It doesn’t seem likely that this is what is meant here. More than that, the pronoun “it” in “get rid of it” refers to the concrete anchor. Unless there is more than one concrete anchor in the rafters (and why would a concrete bolt be on a rafter?), the previous sentence should refer to the concrete anchor.
Last thing—the narrative at the end of the page jumps to a flashback, not a good technique in an opening. This story needs to start later with something happening that causes a problem of consequence for the character. Your thoughts?
Ford bought Jaguar in 1989, introduced theXJ-40 in 1993, its interpretation of the XJ-6, produced from 1972 until 1992. Tata acquired it in 2008, makes the XJ; it ain’t an XJ-6, but it’s better than anything Ford ever turned out.
Donna joins him in their back yard. After forty nine years and two children, she remains a striking, handsome woman, with a full, not fat, curvy over six feet tall figure with nice bottom, dark red, close to auburn, shoulder length wavy hair framing a dimpled open baby-face dominated by large sparkling blue eyes.
“Lemonade? Real lemons and sugar.”
“I’d prefer a beer. I’ll cool off, put the XJ in the garage.
Sam flops into a wrought iron chair, scoots to a matching table.
Donna places the pitcher on the table, pours two glasses.
Why should you get any? You did nothing. But being married has taught me this: keep my mouth shut.
“A one hundred and twenty three thousand dollar Jaguar was worth the work,” he muses aloud as he accepts the proffered lemonade.
“Doctoring ain’t the world’s easiest job, but it provides moments.”
He raises his glass toward the XJ as if toasting it.
I guess the old saying is correct: The difference between men and boys is the price of their toys.
Sam, fifty one, has practiced medicine a quarter century, five in the Army, twenty in private practice. His salary enables him to restore Jaguar four-door saloon cars with oversize seats to accommodate his six and a half feet, three hundred pound body. His size prevents him getting into any two-seat Jaguar sports car, such as the XK-120.
He is a ‘workaholic,’ often to the detriment of his family. He regrets his attitude, but cannot help himself because money is the most important thing.
It’s fortunate Sam is able to remain with a restoration because Jaguars demands lots of time. The sole project he ever abandoned was his racing career. Donna, the love of his life, mother of their children, whom he married after graduating from med school, compelled him to choose between her and racing. He chose her. It was a good decision because she pleases him in ways competing never could.
A child at heart, Sam’s philosophy is: ‘Growing old is inevitable, growing up is optional.’ He urges his son Gus to avoid it. Mature, yes. Become wiser, affirmative. Make better decisions, fine. Assume responsibilities, of course. Grow up, never.
“May we travel to Montana to learn if it will attain the advertised top speed of 186 miles per hour? Montana’s Interstates are America’s autobahns, no limits outside cities.”
“Montana perhaps,” Donna snickers. “You admire the car more than me.”
“Yeah. It lets me have the last word, something you never do! Wait! Does ‘Yes, dear’ count?”
“Oh, you!”
“You care for the XJ as much as I do, love to arrive at the country club in it.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah!”
Sam grabs her as she prepares to walk away, forces her into his lap, seizes her still firm, proud breasts, plants a smooch on her mouth.
When the kiss ends, Donna giggles, “You are incorrigible.”
She invites another physical advance, he obliges. She breaks free, laughs, rushes into the kitchen.
“You are incorrigible.”
After the anchor falls
Without surveying the damage, he rushes into the kitchen, brushes aside Donna’s hair, nibbles her neck.
“Might I interest you in coming to our bedroom?”
“Only If you take a shower. I need to clear this with my husband first.”
Donna naps after making whoopee.
Delaying considering damage severity won’t lessen it.
Sam sneaks to the garage, lifts the anchor, observes a four inch long paint gash in a quarter inch deep dent.
Trunk lid damaged. Insurance'll repair by body filler and spot painting. Hell, I could do it myself. Not acceptable, I will be aware, I'm willing to spend more, to seek a replacement, to keep my toy 'pure'. I doubt insurance cares what I want. The primary issue is preventing Donna finding this.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter of Rose City Free Fall, a thriller. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?
As soon as James Wendt was done having sex with his girlfriend, I was either going to arrest him or kill him. It would be up to him which happened. I sat there listening to the sounds of creaking bedsprings and slapping flesh coming from cheap speakers.
My partner Mandy and I sat in a dusty storeroom over a Korean market in Northeast Portland. Mounted on a tripod between us was a laser microphone. As long as I kept it aimed at the window of the house across the street, we could hear what was going on inside.
I put my magazine down, checked my watch. They'd been at it for four minutes.
"Soon. He won't last much longer." Mandy nodded, a little pink under her freckles.
She was more than ten years younger than me. I sometimes felt like I was toting a high school kid around, but she was a good partner. I tended to go through partners quickly. It wasn't that we didn't get along, just that I tended to wear them out. They couldn't keep up.
The noises from across the street came to a crescendo. To my ear, Brenda, James's old lady, sounded like she was faking it. She should have plenty of practice. James came by every month like clockwork, made her cash her state checks and give him half the money.
I stood, wincing at the pain in my knees. Who knew that when I jumped out of airplanes more than fifteen years ago, the wet Oregon winters would make me pay for it now? I took a few seconds to limber up. It might be important later.
This novel 4.4 stars on Amazon. That opening paragraph does a fine job of establishing voice, writing chops, and setting a good story hook. What will happen next? Will he arrest the guy or kill him? There is trouble coming for someone. The rest of the page sets the scene and introduces character, but still keeps the story ahead in mind. The last line on the page about it maybe being important later that he’s limbered up promises action ahead. So this works for me in several ways. Your thoughts?
Cover critique
While the silhouette of a guy with a gun does a good job of identifying the genre, I found the cover gloomy and uninviting. The “Rose City” part of the title caught my eye as I live in Oregon and am frequently in Portland, the Rose City, but “Free Fall” didn’t translate into something suspenseful. And, as usual, the author’s name is FAR too insignificant and will not work to help establish a brand. DL could have used a different book designer, IMO. What do you think?
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the prologue for The Pumpkin Seed Massacre, a mystery. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?
The owl winged noiselessly across the moon’s path and settled on a pine bough above his head. He didn’t look up. He knew the owl was there and knew its meaning. Death. His sweat evaporated in the dry, high-altitude crispness of the New Mexico night. Atop the mesa, a fire kept him from chilling. He stared at the bright flames and didn’t try to keep his mind from straying to what was wrong.
This wasn’t the way it was supposed to be. He couldn’t sleep and, like tonight, would take long walks calling upon the spirits to give him guidance. But they had deserted him. No longer did he feel their presence, their support. Yet, the answer was clear. He knew what he had to do. Much rested on his shoulders—responsibility, duty—but weren’t they the same? Wasn’t the future of the Tewa village in his hands? Someone who could assure all of a better life?
He put another cedar log on the fire; the orange warmth made his skin glow bronze. Then he untied the laces of his new Adidas, and pushed off first one shoe and then the other and rubbed his aching arches. Stripped to the waist, he wore designer jeans pleated below his black leather belt studded with buffalo nickels. But tonight he couldn’t take pleasure in his clothes.
He sat back against a granite outcropping and let the fire warm the soles of his feet. He was beat. From his vantage point, he looked out over the Indian Pueblo. Wisps of wood smoke stood straight up in barely waving columns above the roofs. On this windless night, they acted as (snip)
This novel garnered 4.2 stars on Amazon. It’s encouraging to see strong writing in a self-published novel, and it often means a good story well told. We have that caliber of writing here, but I have issues with the storytelling.
It starts strong with the owl and its meaning of death—a good teaser promising trouble ahead. But my interest dimmed a little at the musing, but this went to character, so I read on. And then my interest began to flounder when we got into the character’s clothing, and it stopped when I got to the belt studded with nickels. For me, not a strong story element, and a promise of more overwriting ahead. Your thoughts?
Cover critique
I like this cover. It signals the desert, the Southwest, Native Americans. The title is strong, and the author’s name leads. The color, typography, and layout are attention-getting. For me, the cover is a stronger inducement to read than the prologue was. What do you think?
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of chapter 1 for Lake Ephemeral: A YA sci fi thriller. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?
Seven manors on overgrown estates stood watch around Lake Ephemeral. A leaning iron fence kept them in and away from any adventurous onlookers. Foliage grew monstrously tall and fantastical. Reeds and bulrushes rose like battalions around the lake’s edge, cloaked with purple capes of morning glory.
Half of the year, the lake was a bowl-shaped parkland, with stone statues of two children in its centre. But from April to September, rainfall drowned the park and turned it into a lake—and then the statues would disappear from view beneath the water. The lake was ephemeral, fed by yearly rains and a small underground river.
I came to this valley as an eleven-year-old orphan—returned to the place from which I’d been born. A place of which I had no memory. To meet a mother I’d never known I had.
At first, the valley seemed a wild place of wonder and liberty. The five children who lived here were free to do as they pleased. Children with intense eyes and wild hearts, including the boy with the wildest heart of all—Kite.
I no longer felt quite so alone, because I was like them. Because here, I could be free.
But Lake Ephemeral was not a paradise.
Carnivorous flowers grew here that were larger than a man—the people called them the coffin flower. It puzzled me that anyone would want to live in a place where such a plant had taken hold. Worse, I was soon to find that these people cultivated the coffin flowers. (snip)
This novel received 4.7 stars on Amazon. A clear and inviting voice and high-caliber writing add appeal to this opening page. While there is no direct “something wrong” here, the introduction of the carnivorous flowers leads me to think that there are hazards in this world for this sympathetic character, an orphan who yearns for freedom.
The page devotes itself to introducing an unusual world to us, but in the process raises mysteries and some story questions. Why was she an orphan? Can you be an orphan if there’s a mother? Why does she have no memory of this ephemeral place? What will happen to her now that she’s there? The combination of voice, world, and those questions earned a turn from me. Your thoughts?
Cover critique
I’m drawn by the title and the image—there’s a sense of jeopardy in the young woman up to her neck in what appears to be cold water. I also liked the use of an uncommon word, ephemeral. The only thing that could be stronger is, once again, the author’s name.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of chapter 1 for <em>Bad Games</em>, part of a free trilogy. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?
Patrick was fairly certain the white Pontiac was following them. Nothing to be too alarmed about on a country road with few detours, but still, he had that feeling.
When the Pontiac passed his silver Highlander at the first sign of a dotted lane, Patrick looked left. The driver looked back—longer than necessary.
Asshole.
And yet, a few miles later, it was the same white Pontiac that made Patrick stop for gas. Had the car not been parked next to one of the pumps at the battered station, Patrick would have driven past without even tapping the brakes. The place looked barren.
Will there be a confrontation with this guy if I stop?
Nah. There were no horns honked. No middle fingers given. Not even a tough-guy scowl during the long glance. The man simply passed him on a country road—and Patrick had been driving slowly. Alone, his right foot was usually a lead boot on the accelerator, but with his family in the car, Patrick was an old man behind the wheel. Besides, they needed gas. Who knew when they’d come upon another station out here?
He turned in and took the only other pump in front of the Pontiac. The metal tank was a beaten rectangle. It offered two grades: REGUL R and PR MIUM—vowels, Patrick mused, apparently being the preferred meal of the elements around here. He chose PR MIUM and began (snip)
This collection received 4.4 stars on Amazon. Unlike too many self-published novels, the writing is clear and effective. The voice is fine, and the scene is set well enough. The final element needed for a successful opening page is tension.
So a guy exchanges looks and nothing more with another driver. No consequences. It may be that the author is counting on us readers being trained to suspect the most innocuous of circumstances . . . but is that good enough? I don’t think so. There are no story questions raised here, and no clear conflict or issues that need to be dealt with.
I learned from the reviews that this is supposed to be horror/psychological suspense. For me, neither was signaled by this opening page. I read on, and the protagonist faces no problems in the opening chapter—the creepy part stars with chapter 2, way too late for me. Your thoughts?
Cover critique
The title works well and signals the suspense that ought to be inside. Once again, though, the author name fails to have the attention-getting stature it needs to help create a brand.