Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
- It begins to engage the reader with the character
- Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
- The character desires something.
- The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of chapter 1 for The Bermondsey Prisoner, a historical paranormal mystery. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?
“This is all you need for your travels is it, Francis?” asked my sister Eliza as we stood in the Great Hall of Euston Station. She pointed at the leather trunk by his feet.
“Yes, it contains everything I need, thank you.” He grinned. “I have never stopped to admire this hall before. Isn’t it beautiful?”
I followed his gaze to the grand stone staircase, immense columns and coffered ceiling, which was flooded with light from a high row of windows. Beside us stood the statue of a man in a frock coat with a scroll in his hand.
“But you’re to be away for several months,” continued Eliza. “Surely you’ll need more than a single trunk!”
“It will be perfectly sufficient for my needs,” he replied. “Most important of all is taking the correct clothing.” He gestured at his light brown suit. “This looks rather pale and out of place in a London train station, but it will serve me well in the tropics.”
“I’m sure it will, Francis,” I said.
He held my gaze for a moment, his green eyes twinkling with anticipation behind his spectacles. I realised how much he was looking forward to searching for my father and felt slightly envious of him.
“Time to say goodbye to Mr Stephenson,” he said, glancing up at the statue next to us.
You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.
This received 4.6 stars on Amazon. While the narrative has a nice period flavor, but that’s about all you get. The man is leaving to search for the narrator’s father, but there’s no hint of jeopardy other than he needs to be searched for. Certainly no mystery here, other than the father’s location.
There is a paranormal element to this mystery as well. But the first page—and, in fact, the first chapter—give no hint of either. The mystery part doesn’t start until chapter 3. So, for this reader, there was zero motive for turning the page. Your thoughts?
Cover critique
The cover works fairly well in signaling murder with the dominant word “Poisoner” That does a good job of setting genre and raising a mystery story question or two. But the author makes the same mistake as many self-publishers—her name (read “brand”) is small and difficult to read.
My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.