Flogging the Quill

Flog a BookBubber 220: Emily Organ—all setup, no story

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of chapter 1 for The Bermondsey Prisoner, a historical paranormal mystery. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

“This is all you need for your travels is it, Francis?” asked my sister Eliza as we stood in the Great Hall of Euston Station. She pointed at the leather trunk by his feet.

“Yes, it contains everything I need, thank you.” He grinned. “I have never stopped to admire this hall before. Isn’t it beautiful?”

I followed his gaze to the grand stone staircase, immense columns and coffered ceiling, which was flooded with light from a high row of windows. Beside us stood the statue of a man in a frock coat with a scroll in his hand.

“But you’re to be away for several months,” continued Eliza. “Surely you’ll need more than a single trunk!”

“It will be perfectly sufficient for my needs,” he replied. “Most important of all is taking the correct clothing.” He gestured at his light brown suit. “This looks rather pale and out of place in a London train station, but it will serve me well in the tropics.”

“I’m sure it will, Francis,” I said.

He held my gaze for a moment, his green eyes twinkling with anticipation behind his spectacles. I realised how much he was looking forward to searching for my father and felt slightly envious of him.

“Time to say goodbye to Mr Stephenson,” he said, glancing up at the statue next to us.

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4.6 stars on Amazon. While the narrative has a nice period flavor, but that’s about all you get. The man is leaving to search for the narrator’s father, but there’s no hint of jeopardy other than he needs to be searched for. Certainly no mystery here, other than the father’s location.

There is a paranormal element to this mystery as well. But the first page—and, in fact, the first chapter—give no hint of either. The mystery part doesn’t start until chapter 3. So, for this reader, there was zero motive for turning the page. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

The cover works fairly well in signaling murder with the dominant word “Poisoner” That does a good job of setting genre and raising a mystery story question or two. But the author makes the same mistake as many self-publishers—her name (read “brand”) is small and difficult to read.

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 229: Kat Ross—voice and teasers worked for the turn of one page

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of chapter 1 for Fall to Earch. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

When I think back on the grisly events of that summer, the first thing I remember is the heat. Spring was late and short, following on the heels of the worst blizzard New York City had ever seen. What began as a blustery March thunderstorm turned overnight to two feet of snow. The papers called it the Great White Hurricane. By the time we dug out, more than two hundred souls had perished, some with their frozen fingers sticking up pathetically from the mountainous drifts.

In typical New York fashion, just a few months later, we did nothing but complain of the humidity. By mid-June, the mercury had soared up to the nineties and lingered there, like a fat dowager in her favorite armchair. It was an evil sort of heat, driving men to beat their children and carriage horses to drop dead in their traces. We kept waiting for a rip-roaring thunderstorm that never arrived. The wealthy fled to mansions in Newport or Long Island’s North Shore, while the thousands of wretchedly poor tenement dwellers resorted to sleeping on rooftops or even in the filthy streets in hopes of catching a stray breeze.

Being somewhere in the middle of those two extremes, I opted for an iced tea and open window. Which is how, on Thursday the ninth of August, 1888, just three weeks before the Ripper began his reign of terror in London, I came to see a young couple walking slowly down West Tenth Street, eyeing the house numbers as they went. The woman looked wilted in a long-sleeved (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4.4 stars on Amazon. I have mixed feelings about this. The writing and voice are fine, my issue is with story questions. The protagonist has no impending jeopardy, nor is anything wrong other than being hot. Not much there.

On the other hand, we’ve been told we’re going to hear about grisly events, and then later Jack the Ripper comes up, suggesting that the grisly events are similar if not related. This, trouble ahead for someone, and a mystery to solve for our heroine. With the professional-level voice and writing, I’d give this one more page, but no more if hooks don’t appear. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

The cover is eye-catching and the title and image will read at smaller web page sizes. It hints at supernatural elements in the story, which raises story questions. But, once again, the author doesn’t have her name as strong as the title, or at least in the neighborhood. It doesn’t distract to have a strong author name.

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1099 for Jeremy — info dump and a killer, literally, paragraph

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

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Jeremy sends the first chapter for Pantheon. The rest of the narrative is after the break.

Thorinzel cursed as he slammed his hand into the throttle. That’s not going to help anything. Calm down. Take a deep breath. Focus. He wished he were flying one of the Rival fighters he had been training on for the past two years. They were fast, agile, and dangerous. Almost anything was faster than the Jula transport he was piloting right now. The transport was slow, heavy, durable and inconspicuous. The perfect cover vehicle to escape his duties and meet with Cerys for a night at Medina. But not the type of ship he wanted to fly trying to mount a rescue. Thorinzel could only wait as the transport made its way as fast as she was capable of flying. In the meantime, his thoughts tortured him like a bad nightmare as he envisioned scenario after scenario of Cerys dying, helpless and alone. Just like his mother. Thorinzel desperately blocked that last thought out of his mind and refocused. Damn it, Cerys. What have you gotten yourself into? He had flown over the Dulcinea and her escorts that morning when he left before Cerys. She was a fine ship. Fast, well-armed, with a Khordash Nur squadron assigned to protect it. It would take a lot of firepower to cripple the Dulcinea and her squadron under normal circumstances. But nothing about this felt normal. It was one thing for Cerys’s mission to be classified; it was another thing entirely for it to require a twelve-fighter squadron. Whatever they were doing required above average protection. What could they possibly be protecting? If it was just Cerys it would have been more subtle, like previous times we met. Something or someone <.em>(snip)

For me, there are several issues that need to be dealt with in this opening, the first being this massive paragraph, a sure interest-killer. Readers need breaks and white space so narrative can be easily read and processed. A big block of type is terribly offputting. Paragraph breaks come when the subject/topic in the narrative changes. For example, there should be a paragraph break after “Focus.” because the topic changes to what he’s wishing for. There are many other breaks needed in this chunk.

When you distill this, not much is happening. A man is flying a space ship while he remembers and muses. There’s no actual hint of something being wrong (yeah, he wants a faster ship, but there’s no reason that he needs one). After the “Focus.” sentence, the narrative slips into setup and backstory. Not much goes on in this info dump. While it may seem that all of this is needed, it’s not.

I think the many names of things that flood the narrative are an issue, especially in an opening: Thorinzel, Rival, Cerys, Medina, Dulcinea, Khordash Nor. All of this adds up to just too much to absorb. After this whirl of setup and musing and backstory, I ended up mostly confused, which foreshadows what is to come. Streamline this into the character taking action to deal with a problem and weave in setup stuff when it affects the story. Your thoughts?

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2019 by Jeremy.

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My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flog a BookBubber 228: Ken Britz—again, setup stalls story

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of chapter 1 for Fall to Earch. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

NEW YORK CITY, NY—

“I’m not sure if I’m looking at futility or triumph in defeat,” the man next to Indiana said. “Of course, that depends on what kind of person you truly are.”

Indiana turned, ready to burn flirtation to the ground and salt the earth afterward. The man was gazing intently at the painting they sat before. She followed his gaze and drank in the riot of vivid blues and browns of a battle in progress. Why had she come to this painting? She was unsure. Perhaps it reflected her mood, or she was merely exhausted from the daylong flight from Beijing and her nerves were jangled.

“That’s a terrible opening line,” she growled.

The handsome man with close cropped blond hair and startling blue eyes shrugged and then smiled. “I was talking about the painting.” He nodded at the mural and then smiled at her, offering his hand. “Lieutenant Arthur MacGabran, ma’am.”

“Indiana Beckham,” she said, taking his hand. If there was one thing Indiana savored from human contact, it was the handshake of everyone she met. It was a habit from shaking hands with every fencer before a bout. She could judge their strength and estimate their ability. The grip was a scale, weighing soul and purpose. While she had no strongman’s grasp, no one matched the vitality in Indiana’s fingers.

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4.1 stars on Amazon. The writing and voice are strong (except for having the woman growl her speech), and the nature of the protagonist is inviting—a strong woman character who is not about to put up with being hit upon by a stranger. But is that enough?

Look at what happens. A woman is chatted up by a man at, we’re guessing, an art gallery. Not a startling setting, so far. She’s briefly hostile, but then accepts his introduction and returns the favor. Nothing dramatic in that. For me, the inclusion of his handsomeness at the beginning makes this feel more like a romance rather than a science-fiction novel. A turn-off for this reader. Save the hunkiness until later, until it affects what happens. In other words, the only story question is whether or not they might hook up, not an effective question for a sci fi novel. This could have used an editor. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

The cover has good things going for it and one fail. The image give us a good feel for the genre, science fiction, and a sense of drama. The title is clear and well done—the extra spacing between lines enhances the feeling of falling in the cover art.

The fail? The author’s name. Your name is your brand, and it should be as easily readable as the title. You’ll notice that almost all bestselling author novel covers have the author’s name as large as, if not larger, than the title. Self-publishers should do no less.

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 228: Rick Mofina—sympathetic child character and blood on an axe

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of chapter 1 for Cold Fear. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

The last thing Paige Baker saw before fleeing her family’s campsite was the blood dripping from her father’s ax.

Her parents had just had an argument, ending with her mom stomping off and Paige scrambling with her dog for the shelter of her tent while her father savagely chopped wood.

Inside the tent, Paige wept at the thud-thud-thud of his wrath, logs cleaving, splintering. She tried to calm herself, think of ways to make it better for her parents. But what was a ten-year-old kid supposed to do?

Find her mom, talk to her? Paige began jamming things in her backpack. Her family was falling apart. She was helpless. Maybe she should try talking to her dad.

Somehow she summoned the courage to approach her father, emerging from her tent, inching toward him with Kobee, her beagle, in her arms.

“Daddy?”

No answer. His muscles contracted as he chopped. Sweat dropped from his face, darkly blotching the neck and underarms of his gray U.S. Marines T-shirt.

Thud-thud-thud.

“Daddy. Please. I need to talk to you.”

“Get the hell away from me and go find your damned mother!”

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4.5 stars on Amazon. Not much to argue with here. Sympathetic character? How about a 10-year-old girl clutching her Beagle? Trouble? How about blood on her raging father’s axe? More trouble? How about her parents were arguing?

Good story questions, professional writing—although there’s one little slip. We’re in a child’s point of view, and I don’t think “cleaving” would be the word she would naturally think of for splitting a log. Still, I wanted to know what happens next. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 227: Regan Claire—setup and musing squelch story

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of chapter 1 for Gathering Water. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

Eighteen. It’s the year we all expect our lives to change. It is, after all, when you finally become an adult—finally become in charge of your own life. Most people wake up on that monumental day and run to the mirror, convinced they magically transformed into a bona-fide adult during their eight hours of sleep. Others lie in bed, thinking about the momentous changes sure to be coming.

I’m sure there are some people who go about their day as if nothing is different, and usually, nothing is. I liked to think those are the people who are most content with their lives...the people who have no unanswered questions, no haunting pasts, and no uncertainty about their futures.

When my eighteenth birthday arrived, I didn’t rush to the mirror eager to see my grownup self. Being in the foster system since birth kept me from seeing the day as different from any other.

I probably lay in bed for ten minutes before my alarm finally convinced me to get up. Eighteen was huge. It was a birthday I had waited impatiently and anxiously for. It meant I was legally an adult, and for foster kids like myself, that’s a big deal. I was no longer a ward of the state. I had control. I didn’t have to worry about getting a new family if I made a mistake. No more psych evaluations and no more child services. I was free!

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4.4 stars on Amazon. I enjoy stories about magic and “powers,” and good YA novels, so I frequently look at those on BookBub. Here, the writing and voice are good, no issues there. But the narrative is spending its time on backstory, musing, and setup. Nary a story question in sight. Nary a meaningful sign of trouble now or in the future. Sure, there’s a question of how she will handle her new independence, but that’s hardly compelling.

I looked ahead as I do, wondering if there was stronger material with which to open this story. Turns out there’s good stuff to come—she has had no idea of her mother or family for her whole existence, but today she’s given information on her mother, other family members, and ownership of a house plus valuable stock and money. There’s a mystery why the family was not revealed when it was discovered.

More than that, she apparently has paranormal powers, but only the blurb lets you know that, the narrative doesn’t hint at it. This story starts much later. I would have never gotten past the first page as a reader. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 226: Megan O’Russell—sympathetic character invites interest

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the prologue for The Tethering. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

Seven Years Ago

Jacob Evans sat in the front row, looking back whenever he could at the new girl two rows behind him. He didn’t want her to catch him staring, but he couldn’t help himself. A few times her eyes met his, but Jacob didn’t care. None of the other kids in school had ever liked him anyway. What did it matter if the new girl thought he was rude?

He glanced at her again. She stared back at him and smiled. A beautiful smile that made him like the new girl.

Jacob never sat in the cafeteria to eat lunch. He would hide in the bathroom or find an empty classroom to eat in when the weather was bad. But today was beautiful, one of the first nice days of spring, so he found a big shady tree far away from the other students.

He had half a peanut butter sandwich for lunch today. Money was running low, and he couldn’t even guess when his father would be back. Jacob huddled around his sandwich possessively, like a squirrel protecting a nut. People always stared at his meager lunch. Not to steal, but to judge, which felt much worse.

The new girl walked out of the cafeteria and onto the lawn with her shoulders hunched. Jacob couldn’t tell if she was upset or just weighed down by the enormous lunch bag she carried. She looked at him and strode straight over, blowing her long black hair out of her eyes.

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4.9 stars on Amazon. Good voice and writing (though we could have used a transition from the classroom to the lawn). While this is clearly setup—the thing most prologues are tasked with—this does introduce us to a sympathetic character for whom things are not all right, if not exactly wrong. But the new girl seems to be sending a little warmth his way, and we’re happy to see that, considering his fairly miserable circumstances.

So the story question is raised: will she help him? Will his situation get better? Whether you care enough for this character at this point for this to matter is the key to a page-turn. Perhaps it’s because I remember being lonely and a stranger at school (I was moved a lot as a kid), this struck a note with me, and I wanted to know what would happen next.

On the other hand, I think we should have had a clue that this story includes magic. There’s an outburst of it later in the first chapter, but I sure would have liked to had a glimpse here. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 225: John W. Mefford—uninviting character, no real trouble

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of Shame ON You. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

His eyes and temples pulsated as blood rocketed through his veins. Drops of perspiration trickled down his forehead, gathering at his bushy eyebrows.

Sitting taller in his chair, his lungs begged for more oxygen. He took in a shallow breath and slowly exhaled. It didn’t help. He tried again, deeper this time. It still wasn’t enough. The drumbeat of his heart thumped against his chest.

Anxiety had returned with a vengeance.

He flapped his arms as his entire body broke out in a sweat. His mind began to swirl. The office literally spun around him as if he were standing in the center of a roundabout. He dropped a hand to his desk and squeezed his eyes shut. Then he popped them open and scoured his desk again.

Where is that fucking presentation? He’d asked his longtime administrative assistant to print it off and set it on his desk. Did she do it? No. How many times had she screwed up a simple task? It was as though she’d been put on Earth to send him to the looney bin.

Considering where you work, that wouldn’t be far to go.

The perspiration coated his body with a slick film, and his heart continued to race. This anxiety attack was the worst he’d experienced in months, if not years. All the outside pressure had finally seized control of his nervous system. Its grip was relentless.

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4.9 stars on Amazon. Technically, there is tension on this page. Something is going wrong for the character, and seems to be getting worse. Questions raised include what’s going to happen to him? And, maybe, what caused this anxiety attack?

But is it true jeopardy? How much harm can an anxiety attack do to a person? I did a little quick research, and they don’t seem be fatal, or even permanently injurious. So, no real jeopardy? You could still be interested, one human being to another, in what happens. But do you care enough about this guy to keep reading? With his nasty thoughts about his longtime assistant, he comes across as an asshole to me. And I don’t want to spend any time reading about an asshole, much less care about him or what happens to him. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 223: Vered Ehsani—playful paranormal historical invites reading

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of an historical paranormal novel, Ghotsts of Tsavo. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

It’s an uncommonly known fact that a strong pot of tea will obscure a werewolf’s stench. Given that one doesn’t normally walk around with a teapot in hand, this fact will be of little comfort to a human unless she happens to be sitting in a teahouse.

So it was a jolly good thing I was, at that moment, in a teahouse.

I slurped down that most marvelous of beverages and eyed the suspected werewolf. I say ‘suspected’ since I had yet to confirm if she was in fact one, or simply a naturally hairy woman of dubious lineage.

In either case, she really should never wear that red dress again as it did nothing to cover her horrendously hairy arms. The only fortunate aspect of the outfit was the color, as it matched the heavy velvet curtains framing the large, street-facing window perfectly. Thus I entertained myself while wondering what to do next.

I tried squinting my eyes to study her energy field, but again discovered the same result: very little. That in itself was unusual as I was normally able to observe a fair bit in any energy field I wished to study. But in this case and without my multi-layered glasses—left at home in the rush to follow my quarry—I could discern very little.

Generally speaking, I don’t study people’s energy; for a start, it’s rude to squint and stare at a person (unless required to do so for work or self-preservation), and quite frankly, I’d prefer (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4 stars on Amazon. The playful voice and narrative of this opening page promise fun ahead. The writing is clean—though I would have deleted “my eyes” after “squinting”—what other part of one’s anatomy with which does one squint? There is implied jeopardy due to our residual understanding that werewolves are bad creatures who bite and kill, so there’s tension in the question of whether or not the woman in red is a werewolf and what our hero will do. Entertaining. I read forward. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 223: Donna Augustine—interesting opening technique, good story questions

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of Karma. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

People say karma's a bitch.

Personally, I really don't think I'm that bad, as long as you haven't done anything wrong that is. Seriously, it's not like I asked for this job. I wasn't even in my right mind when I agreed to the position. I thought it would mean I could stay on Earth. I did, just not how I'd hoped.

Like all contracts, it's the fine print that screws you, not the big fat text that offers you all the good stuff. As a lawyer, I'd spent years warning people about the fine print and now look at me. Stuck.

If I could just go back to that day, the moment when I made my first mistake and agreed. Unfortunately, of all the things I can do, time travel isn't one of them.

After I'm done here and my trial period has run its course, I'll go back into the system and get reborn. They say I won't have any memory of this, but I can't imagine forgetting the day I died.

 

I couldn't look away from my body, lying lifeless and dirty, blonde hair fanned out around the face. My face. I wasn't moving, not even a smidgen.

In contrast, the chest of the body I was in felt like a broken accordion with a leak, flailing to get enough air in.

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4.2 stars on Amazon. Entertaining voice, the writing is solid. This is an interesting opening page in the way it starts with what might be a prologue and then shifts to the story. I can’t fault the technique since both the “prologue” part of the opening and the story opening raised some pretty good story questions. The concept that karma is a person/being of some sort is interesting. What would a personalized karma "god" be like? Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.