Flogging the Quill

Flog a BookBubber 217: Quinn Loftis—character & Viking world appeal

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the Prologue of The Viking’s Chosen. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

The hand fell to the ground with an audible thud, accompanied by a scream from its previous owner. Hager was the third man to lose a limb or appendage in a fortnight. Such a staggering casualty of limbs was understandable during war time, but the Hakon clan—my clan—was between raids. Instead of spending this brief respite of peace at home with his loving wife or in the alehouse guzzling his weight in mead, Hager was now lying on the ground, writhing in agony.

I turned away from the bleeding man. The blood didn’t bother me, of course. I’d seen much worse on the battlefield. Neither did the brutality of the punishment, which I had been tasked with administering. I was sick and tired of seeing my countrymen—fine warriors and assets to our clan—punished so severely based upon the word of one soldier. Wasn’t a man supposed to have a say in his own defense? Didn’t he have a right to confront his accuser or see the evidence presented against him before judgement was passed?

But Jarl Magnus gave his clansmen no such chances. The jarl commanded absolute obedience, and anyone suspected of being less than completely loyal was dealt with swiftly and severely.

I had been the jarl’s hersir—chief general—for a mere three months and I’d already severed a dozen limbs at his command. I’d crippled a dozen men, so they could wield neither (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4.3 stars on Amazon. The writing and voice are good (though I’d sure cut “audible” from that first sentence). It would have been good to see a little more of the scene, but the action is certainly provocative. This page serves to introduce us to an interesting and likable character. We see a side of his moral code that we can agree with, a desire for fairness and justice. At the same time, we see a hardened side of him, callouses over his emotions. Will there sometime be conflict between these aspects of him? I suspect so. There’s no threat to this character other than that, so no strong “what happens” story questions are raised.

On the other hand, this story takes place in Viking times, and that promises a narrative that explores a time and culture that are foreign to me. So, combining that with the character’s characteristics, I’d give this a page turn—but be careful, author. This seems to be heading for backstory and exposition. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 216: Al Stevens—wise-guy fun and trouble ahead

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the Prologue of Interest. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

On the afternoon when all this trouble started, I was sitting alone in my office, reading the newspaper, and waiting for cocktail hour. Or daylight savings time, whichever came first. A half-empty fifth of cheap bourbon beckoned from my desk drawer, and I tried with good intentions to ignore its call. But when there’s no work for a private investigator and no woman in his life, drinking is what’s left. Come to think of it, it’s also what’s left when you’re busy and getting laid.

“A client?” I said to no one at all.

A client was just what the bill collector ordered. Business had slowed to a crawl. Blame it on the economy. People were staying married, in jail, at home, or some combination of the three. Times were tough.

I looked at my Mickey Mouse wristwatch. Don’t laugh. It’s all I got in the divorce. It was a few minutes past four, and Willa had gone home. I was about to get up and go greet the visitor when the door to my office opened. André the Giant stood in the doorway.

He hadn’t knocked. Good thing I wasn’t doing the bottle, scratching my nuts, or anything else private.

The light was directly behind him, and his height, broad shoulders, Al Capone fedora, (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4.3 stars on Amazon. The voice is the first thing that spoke to me, that hard-boiled wise-guy detective voice. It promises fun, and these days who doesn’t need fun? There’s no direct jeopardy here, but having a giant in your office, complete with mob trappings, suggests there’s trouble ahead. So does the opening line teaser, as well. Since we’re promised trouble, the voice is fun, and the writing solid, it seemed to me worth a page turn to see if it lives up to its promise. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 215: Andrew Updegrove—all setup fails to engage this reader

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the Prologue of Interest. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

Late In The afternoon of a gray day in December, a panel truck pulled up to the gate of a warehouse complex in a run-down section of Richmond, Virginia. Rolling down his window, Jack Davis punched a code into the control box, and the gate clanked slowly out of the way. Once inside, he wheeled the truck around and backed it up against a loading dock as the gate closed behind him.

After unlocking and raising the loading dock door, Davis threw a light switch, revealing long rows of pallets, each stacked eight feet high with boxes of paper plates, cups and towels. He closed and locked the door, and stamped on the brake release pedal of a hydraulic lifter parked against the wall. Counting to himself, he pushed the lifter along the wall of pallets. When he reached row nineteen, he turned the lifter and maneuvered its long tines under the pallet. Raising it a few inches, he backed up until he could swing the pallet through 180 degrees. Then he pulled it behind him until it was back exactly where it had been before.

Davis had plenty of room to work, because where the pallet in the second row should have been, there was only a large metal plate set in the floor. Near the edge was a small hinged panel, which he unlocked with a key to expose a biometric security pad.

When Davis pressed his thumb against it, he heard a familiar click. Stepping back, he watched as the plate swung slowly upwards, followed by the telescoping ends of a ladder (snip))

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4.5 stars on Amazon. The writing is certainly competent, though the omniscient point of view is on the dry side. Though the author took care with staging the operation of a forklift (I assume that’s what’s meant by “hydraulic lifter”), I wonder if the staging works. This is the kind of thing the editor in me notices.

He lifts the pallet, backs up, turns 180 degrees, backs up and puts the pallet back in its original place. Fine. But then the forklift has to be sitting on top of the metal plate in the floor. So how does it swing upwards with the forklift on it?

All that’s neither here nor there if there isn’t a viable story question to get me to move on. Frankly, the driving of a truck and the operation of a forklift did not create the slightest bit of tension in me. Absent that, why turn the page?

One other little glitch: chapter 1 begins with "The next morning . . ." Wait. There was a prologue, which is supposed to be separate from the narrative. Seems to me the prologue should have been chapter 1. This is a sign of carelessness that foreshadows more of the same later on. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 214: Kevin Gaughen—strong hook gives disagreeable character room to change

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of Chapter 1 of Interest. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

“Shit’s getting dangerous,” Len said, watching the White House burn on national television.

“First the FBI building, then the CIA, now this. What do you think it means?” Stewart, one of Len’s coworkers and a frail man to begin with, was looking especially wan.

“It means we need to drink more.” Len lit a cigarette.

“Have they issued a statement?”

“From where, the Brady Press Room? It’s on fire.”

“Jesus. I wonder if the president survived.”

“Who cares?” The words and spontaneous laughter escaped before Len could check himself.

Len’s editor shot him a nasty look. “Len, what’s wrong with you? People are dead. There’s chaos in the streets. And why are you smoking in the office?”

“Sorry, Jack. I’m a little out of it. Haven’t been sleeping well.”

Rather than putting it out, Len decided to finish his cigarette outside. He walked through the building and out to the street. To hell with work today, he thought while standing there at the curb. In fact, to hell with everything. It was noon; time for a burrito.

Len walked past closed shops and demonstrators. Each passing day seemed to bring the (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4.3 stars on Amazon. Well, this starts out with a strong hook—the White House burning? And then they don’t know if the president is alive? I would have liked the scene to be set a little better—for example, is this a newspaper office or a tv news studio?

The narrative also does an interesting job of introducing a protagonist that we don’t care much for at the beginning. However, with the nature of the external trouble so strong and clear, I think we can assume that this character has some changing to do. But we’d better get on to more story as soon as we can. I’d give the first pages a look. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 212: Jon Mills—backstory and craft issues

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of Chapter 1 of The Debt Collector. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

RIKERS PRISON WAS HELL on an island. Jack paced back and forth in his cell for hours that morning. After four years, he felt more uncomfortable this day than he had when he first arrived.

The last year in and out of solitary confinement for fighting had only made it worse. Twenty-three hours holed up in a six by eight cell, surrounded by nothing more than cinder blocks, a bunk, a sink and a toilet; changed a man. It was known to break even the toughest, to push anyone to their mental limits and beyond. The men referred to it as “the box,” and even that didn’t quite describe the claustrophobic feeling you felt. The thought of never getting out haunted him daily.

Today was no different. There was always doubt eating away at the back of his mind. He’d seen men’s wills get thrown to the curb minutes before they saw the outside.

Now, however, as the familiar sound of steel toe boots striking against the steely catwalk approached his door, it brought a welcome relief. The twist of the key in the lock and the clanging of the metal flap had become a part of his daily routine.

This morning, though, was different. It would be the last time he would hear it. Between the small mesh window he saw two new prison guards. The faces changed frequently; not because of shift rotation, but because few lasted beyond a couple of months in this place. He (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4.3 stars on Amazon. There’s nothing as gripping as starting out with backstory and setup, right? Who cares what solitary does to men in general? Who cares what his routine is?

There are craft issues here, too. What does this mean: men’s wills get thrown to the curb minutes before they saw the outside. How do wills get thrown to the curb, and why minutes before seeing the outside? How can he see two guards between a mesh window? Doesn’t make sense. There’s not much in the way of story questions here, and this is, so far, a good day for this guy—it looks like he’s getting out of prison. No turn of the page here. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.