Flogging the Quill

Flogometer 1097 for Max — clarity issues stall the narrative

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

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Max sends a rewrite of the first chapter for The Vulture. The rest of the narrative is after the break.

The happiest endings make for the worst beginnings. The gleam in Sarah’s and Victoria’s eyes were picture perfect as Theo and his best friend Luke waved goodbye to them. The sisters’ mom put the car in gear, and the glossy blue Mercedes pulled out of their driveway.

“Dude.” Theo bumps fists with Luke. “Let’s do this thing.”

Luke affected a baritone, about as low as he could go. “I’ve waited all year for this trip.”

Neither looked both ways before crossing the street to get in Theo’s freshly fixed junker. Sarah and Victoria brought their dad’s mechanic tools, Theo got a job at the local junkyard for parts, and Luke provided the garage for them to do the repairs. Four best friends, one car.

“Too bad the girls aren’t coming.”

Luke sighed first. “It’s easier this way.”

The corners of Theo’s lips twitched, he refused to frown. “None of us talked about it.”

He meant the cancer, but Luke didn’t talk about that. In fact, his friend still hadn’t verbally acknowledged his health. The doctors were idiots, nosebleeds so often meant cancer or something dire.

“With Sarah at her internship in Oak Bay and V-Victoria dating Ramsay…” Luke looked out the window, unable to finish the sentence.

“When are you going to tell Victoria that you love her?”

The original opening was a dream sequence, frequently not a best practice. This opening avoids the dream issue, but for me there were clarity problems.

For example, the first sentence about endings and beginnings. How can the nature of an ending lead to the nature of a beginning? If this were “The worst beginnings make for the happiest endings.” I would totally understand that. I guess it's a statement of theme, but it's still "telling" and I'd rather start with story.

I also couldn’t parse the statement that: “The doctors were idiots, nosebleeds so often meant cancer or something dire.” I've thought about it, and haven't been able to untangle it.

I also didn’t understand why it being easier that the girls weren’t coming for ride in a car led to thoughts about his friend's cancer.

For me, this narrative feels disjointed in the way it switches direction suddenly and frequently. I think this needs to settle down to a solid scene of something happening that leads to or causes a problem for a character. The first part about the car is setup that doesn’t seem to have anything to do with what happens later, so the story could be gotten to earlier if that goes. Your thoughts?

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2019 by Max.

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My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 211: Mitty Walters—setup drains the tension

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of Chapter 1 of Breaking Gravity. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

The first time I broke the sound barrier, the accident was so startling that an image was seared into my mind: I was looking up from the ground, still seated in the chair that had toppled over; papers were floating in the air; my laptop was mid-flight, about to skitter across the floor; and globs of soda were frozen in space as they rained down from the ceiling.

CRACK!

The sound was the same as a whip’s, only magnified a hundred times.

I lay there in stunned silence, ears ringing, long after the papers had fluttered to the ground. Coca-Cola was splattered all over the walls of the tiny break room.

It was after midnight. I had come into the office late to do an “urgent” repair on a computer for my boss. This job was a part-time, off-hours gig for me, and Tim had given me keys long ago so I could come and go as I pleased. On this particular night, I had decided to work in the break room so I could spread my books out on the empty table and study during down time.

It had taken me a couple of hours of wrestling with the disabled computer, but I’d finally gotten it working again. I’d filled out the paperwork and returned the computer to the shop. Then, as I gathered up my tools, I must have caused the can of Coke to explode somehow.

At least, that’s what I initially thought—that the can had exploded. But as I lay there on (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4.3 stars on Amazon. The writing and voice are fine, and the opening paragraph offers a good tease that raises a question: how did he crack the sound barrier when apparently in a room, not a jet?

But then we venture into setup, which unfortunately short-changes the reader. While the opening paragraph is interesting, for me it didn’t reach the level of compelling. And I didn’t care much about his working late. All that setup slowed pace and drained tension. I think the author should have cut out most of the setup so the following could appear on the first page:

my attention was drawn to a slow but steady drip coming from a joist in the ceiling. It was the remains of my soda can, embedded in a heavy wood beam that ran across the center of the room.

Now you’ve got my interest. The can is imbedded in a beam? How? Why? What does it mean? What will happen next? So this would have gotten an “almost” from me if that was a voting choice. But that’s still a “no.” Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 210: Scott Blade—intriguing setup earns a turn

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of Chapter 1 of Once Quiet. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

THE FOUR WATCHERS WERE ONLY supposed to watch, not intervene, not interfere—no matter what. They were told this, ordered this. They were only supposed to take notes and observe and record and remember, for their client, who had convinced them that she was an officer of the law. After all, she had a badge, an important one, too. It was an accredited shield of justice, a silver badge in a formal leather case, like in the movies.

It looked real enough.

They had been following her instructions for the last ten days without deviation. Even though they were told only to observe, they were used to having more than just field glasses with them. They had expected more. An agent of such a top-shelf investigative organization would certainly have access to a big budget. But that’s all they were given: a pair of field glasses, a phone number—her personal cell, and an address of the family that they were to watch.

The fact that she hadn’t given them a budget and the fact that she was using them in the first place indicated that the whole operation wasn’t legal, which was fine by them. They weren’t fans of the law anyhow, but they respected her motives. Family is family. They got that because they were family.

Also, they respected the dollar amount that she offered to pay them for their assistance.

The field glasses had been mailed to them from the internet. That’s why they had to (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. NOTE: you can read the first chapter for free, but the book is free only to Kindle Unlimited subscribers. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow. 

This received 4.7 stars on Amazon. The omniscient voice used here doesn’t immerse us in a character’s story, but the scenario is intriguing. The language in the first paragraph nicely foreshadows that things are going to change in an unintended direction—“were told,” “only supposed to.” We know that the four are going to do more. On the next page we learn that they are armed with a sniper rifle and handguns. For my money, I’d have worked to get that on the first page because once you know that it’s clear that there’s shootin’ ahead. I thought this was worth a look. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 210: Cheryl Bradshaw—no bait, no hook, no story

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of Chapter 1 of The Amplified. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

Doug Ward stood on the ship’s deck and gazed across the calm waves of an evening sea. The cool ocean breeze brushed past his face and clung to it like little particles of mist, but he didn’t seem to notice. The scotch in his hand was his fifth of the night, or the sixth or seventh—he couldn’t remember. Most nights he drank until he passed out, and tonight would be no exception. He’d drink himself into oblivion if it meant never hearing another one of his classmates sing the karaoke version of M.C. Hammer’s “U Can’t Touch This.”

Twenty years had passed since anyone called him “Douggie”, but tonight he’d heard it shouted from every corner of the stuffy room that contained him. All he wanted was to get away from it, so he left the crowd at the costume party behind to sing their hearts out while he pondered the long list of life’s regrets in solitude. Rounding out the top five was his decision to take the high school reunion cruise in the first place. But there was little he could do about that now. Two more days, he thought, and this trip will be all over.

Doug’s memories of high school had faded through the years until he hadn’t remembered much of anything. It all seemed like the blur of someone else’s life, as if the experiences he recalled weren’t really his anymore. He had flashes of memories here and there, but only one solid enough to stand the test of time. And that was the one he’d tried his hardest to forget, but no amount of alcohol would ever drown it out. Not completely. Often times Doug thought (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4.2 stars on Amazon. One of the reasons I started flogging BookBub novels is that I’m always on the lookout for a good read. Like a literary agent, I’m always hopeful for a winner—and disappointed most of the time. This opening page has good writing and voice, but where’s the story? We have an unsympathetic character, a guy who commonly drinks until he passes out, having a bad time at a reunion and musing about it. Do I care? No. Are there story questions? No. It turns out that this is the guy who is murdered in this mystery, but I wouldn’t have stuck around to find out, based on this first page. If you’re comfortable with leisurely opening, it may be okay for you. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 209: Lauren M. Flauding—strong voice, world, but are they enough?

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of Chapter 1 of The Amplified. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

My brother would make fun of me.

I picture his playful yet condescending expression and manage a smile despite my labored breathing. I run in time to the music coming from my ancient device, pushed along by the rhythm that is so seldom found in our current songs. I try to decide which offense he would attack first.

"Mari, why do you use that relic to listen to music? The Adhesives are so much easier and you don't have to carry anything..."

True, the Adhesives are easier. One small patch placed on my temple allows me to listen to an hour of music or watch a movie without the hindrance of wires, attachments, or receivers. But I don't care much for the Adhesives. Once, my friend Alia made me adhere some awful movie about cat-people in love, and I couldn't make it stop. I just had to let it play through my auditory and optical systems until it ended and the patch dissolved into my skin. I much prefer seeing movies on our old holograph machine.

I pass the school, noting with some satisfaction that I'm just now starting to feel the burn in my legs. Some of the students are having their outside hour. Even from far away I can tell that it's the older ones, probably 11 or 12-year-olds, lounging on the play equipment and chatting with each other. Younger students would be running around, playing games, and generally (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4.5 stars on Amazon. I have mixed reactions to this one. The writing and voice are strong, and that gives confidence that this could be a good storyteller. The world is immediately interesting with the hints of technology. The character is approachable, and has a good relationship with her brother, which helps make her connectable.

Yet where’s the tension? It’s just not here. This is all nicely done setup, exposition about this world. While world-building is necessary for this kind of fiction, there is no reason that something can’t be happening that raises story questions, that causes the character some trouble. So, despite the world and voice, I can’t give this one an automatic Go. On the other hand, it is interesting . . . Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1096 for Deborah —strong character and story question

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Deborah sends the first chapter for The Bricklayer. The rest of the narrative is after the break.

June,1953, Jordan, New Jersey

I planned to tell my wife last night after she slipped off her shoes by the door and sat on the sofa to roll down her stockings. I planned to sit as close as I dared and say it straight out: I am not who you think I am. I am German. During the war, I fought in North Africa, one of Rommel’s men, until he left us. Afrikaner, we called ourselves, with our Aryan skin that blistered in the desert. But I did not tell my wife last night. My mother would have sighed and said something about plans and God’s laughter. It will have to be today, then. This morning.

Always, my wife told these things to anyone who asked about me, Levi S. Jansen, her husband of two years: a Dutch war refugee, his entire family lost in the bombing raids, their house in Rotterdam flattened like a scorched pancake. A skilled bricklayer and homeowner. A man who liked to work in the garden and paint the cartoons and the watercolors. A fan of cinema, especially the Westerns. A man who was careful with making promises. Claire knew these things about me like she knew the color of her beloved Sinatra’s eyes.

But I made two promises to her mother yesterday, Friday: I would tell Claire my true name and the rest of it and then turn myself in to the police tonight, midnight. I will. Absolutely.

So tired.

At twenty-eight, I have felt many times like an old man, but with Claire, a twenty-two year-old girl, my laughing American wife, I was the boy I never got to be. I was like Levi and he (snip)

Good writing, inviting voice, and we’re immediately engaged with what is, for me, a sympathetic character. I say sympathetic because he clearly loves his wife and, at least on this page, not a bad man. To the contrary, a man promising to tell the truth and even go to jail for his past. Altogether, this raised a “what’s going to happen to him” story question. Worked for me. Your thoughts?

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2019 by Deborah.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 208: Kate Baray—basically, a nothing-burger of a first page

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of Chapter 1 of Low End of Nowhere. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

Lizzie Smith had been Lizzie since before she could remember.

But then she’d moved back to her hometown. Her return to Austin marked a turning point in her life. She’d opened her own business instead of working for someone else, bought a house instead of renting one, and had even adopted a dog. Full-on adult, that was her.

With a new city, a new job, and new clients, why not a new name? She’d introduced herself as Elizabeth, because Elizabeth was a woman who paid her mortgage. Elizabeth was a woman you could trust with your business. Elizabeth was an adult.

But the name hadn’t stuck, and—shockingly—it turned out that Lizzie was just as trustworthy and adult as that nonexistent Elizabeth woman.

In the same mistaken attempt to mold herself into an image of what she believed an adult to be, she’d cut her long, curly hair. Shorter would be more mature and manageable, right? Wrong. Her curls had rioted in their newfound, weightless freedom. And finally—this should have been a sign that she’d lost all sense of self—she’d even (very briefly) given up her fun, funky nail polish. In trying to abandon it, she’d discovered exactly how happy sparkly pink, navy, gold, and neon-green made her. Funky nail polish for the ultimate win.

Where did all of these failed changes land her? With an “ie” name, untamable curls, funky nail polish, and exactly the same place she’d started. She was—external changes aside—(snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4.1 stars on Amazon. It's billed as an urban fantasy romance. Well, you wouldn’t intuit either of those things from this opening page. The writing is fine, the voice is good, but . . . I just didn’t care for this person, and nothing is happening, nor is there any promise of anything interesting happening. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1095 for Lisa —are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

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Lisa sends the first chapter for The Forgotten American. The rest of the narrative is after the break.

The sun is making me sweat on this muggy afternoon in Saigon and I’m lying with my face on the ground behind the orphanage. I’m curled up in a ball and wondering why dirt doesn’t smell anything like dust?

“Trẻ bụi đời!” Tuan’s shrill voice screams at me. In Vietnamese, it translates into, “vagrant of the city.” That’s his favorite name for me. I brace myself, but nothing happens, so I make the mistake of opening my eyes, and that’s when his sandaled foot kicks dirt in my face. The eye grit is the least of my worries because now my back is getting pounded with fists.

“You a dirty boy!” yells Phuoc, Tuan’s evil shadow.

Something sharper than a fist hits me on the leg and I yell out. Phuoc is thrashing me with a stick. Tears surface. I can’t help it. He’s hitting my crippled leg and it feels like it’s on fire.

“Your mother was a whore!” Tuan spits on me. “Your father killed my family! I will make you pay!”

Just then Uncle Lu calls my name, “Tin! Where are you, lazy boy?

Tuan gives me a kick in the ribs and Phuoc tosses his stick in the bushes before they run away laughing. It takes me a while to uncurl. Everything hurts. I wipe my face on my now dirty white shirt. I wish they would just leave me alone.

This immerses us in the experiences of an empathetic character—a crippled boy—right from the start. Clearly something is going wrong. While the story question related to the beating is quickly answered (it ends), we are left wondering what will happen to this character. There’s a good “why” story question, too: why is he hated like this? The kids say things, but we don’t really understand yet.

A couple of little things I’d look at: it doesn’t make a lot of sense to me that a kid who is being beaten/knows he’s going to be beaten would be thinking about the smell of dirt. The second is that “his sandaled foot kicks me” is awkward and would work better if it were simply “he kicks me.” I don’t think that he’s wearing sandals matters here. Oh, and dialogue in a foreign language should be italicized. Your thoughts?

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2019 by Lisa.

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My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 207: Michael Stone—lots of atmosphere, but no story question or tension

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of Chapter 1 of Low End of Nowhere. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

Grundy Dopps, a sour-looking little pinch of white trash, waddled out of his trailer that morning somehow knowing it wasn’t going to be his day. Unfortunately, this was one of those rare times that his intuition was right. His hay fever was killing him. An angry tumor of phlegm festered behind a nose that was rubbed so raw, it felt like he’d been wiping it with steel wool. The midday heat pushed the thermometer in his toolshed up past ninety-five. Everything was turned around. It wasn’t supposed to be so hot this early in June, and the tree pollen wasn’t supposed to be so thick this late in the season. Not in Colorado.

“Go figger it,” he reasoned pitifully as he sneezed. “Very weird.” More sneezes. “Everything’s always so weird.”

Then there was that call that woke him up earlier. The guy said he was an investigator for an attorney. Grundy had his doubts.

“My name is Soyko,” the guy had informed him.

“You got a first name or is that it?” Grundy asked, holding a soggy handkerchief just inches in front of his nose.

“All you need to know is Soyko. We gotta talk, you and me.” It wasn’t a request. “Man who hired me said we should go over your testimony. Make sure you get it right and all that.”

Who does he think he is? Grundy wondered. Even Jesus Christ had two names. At least (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4.1 stars on Amazon. This is billed as a “classic hardboiled” novel, and it definitely captures that style and tone. The writing is fine, and we get a good feel for place. However, we don’t get much in the way of tension or a story question. The page is solely about the guy’s allergies plus a little tease about it not being his day.

This didn’t need to happen. Trim out some of the excess about his allergy symptoms and pollen in Colorado and this could have made it on the first page:

“Is this about that maniac, what’s his name?” he asked Soyko. “Fred Borders? Him and his murder trial?”

With that we have a clue about the story, and the teaser about it not being his day lets us know there’s trouble ahead for this character. It would have made the difference for me. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 206: Jason D. Morrow—immersion in nonhuman character intriguing

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of Chapter 1 of Prototype D. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

HIS EYES GLOWED and the clouds above him came into focus. The sky was mostly flat and gray, overcast with a bleakness that engulfed the sun. Of course, he had never seen the sun before. He could have scanned the archives embedded in his memory, but having knowledge of the sun and actually experiencing its warmth were two different things.

He lay on his back and had no memory of how he had gotten there. One by one his fingers started to twitch. From there they began to curl, and as they did he could feel the pressure sensors in his digits groping at the earth beneath him. With his right hand he made a fist and pulled the grainy substance away from the ground and held it above his face. Tiny red particles escaped his grip by the hundreds between the gaps in his fingers.

Dirt.

This time he did scan the archives in his mind and confirmed that yes, this was dirt. He let his fingers relax and the rest of the particles fell freely. Immediately his vision was impaired by the small cloud of dust and his body jolted upward into a sitting position. He shook his head quickly, trying his best to make the dirt fall away from his eyes. He looked at the ground next to him and then at his hands, a cold, hard metal. They felt strong as he tightened his grip on another fistful of dirt. This time he held up both hands in the air and let the grains fall slowly. The clouds of dust were bigger this time and he had to wave a hand in front of his face to clear the air. Clear (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4.2 stars on Amazon. This opening page does a good job of both immersing you in the character’s experience and letting you know that this is a character like you’ve not experienced before. There are clues enough to assume it’s a robot of some kind, but a thinking—and feeling?—one. The voice and writing are strong, as well. As for story questions, they’re sure there. What’s going on? Why has he/it never seen the sun before? While nothing is clearly wrong, these are clues that all is not right for this character, or may not be. With the good writing and a strong dose of intrigue, this was enough for a page-turn from me. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.