Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
- It begins to engage the reader with the character
- Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
- The character desires something.
- The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.
Max sends a rewrite of the first chapter for The Vulture. The rest of the narrative is after the break.
The happiest endings make for the worst beginnings. The gleam in Sarah’s and Victoria’s eyes were picture perfect as Theo and his best friend Luke waved goodbye to them. The sisters’ mom put the car in gear, and the glossy blue Mercedes pulled out of their driveway.
“Dude.” Theo bumps fists with Luke. “Let’s do this thing.”
Luke affected a baritone, about as low as he could go. “I’ve waited all year for this trip.”
Neither looked both ways before crossing the street to get in Theo’s freshly fixed junker. Sarah and Victoria brought their dad’s mechanic tools, Theo got a job at the local junkyard for parts, and Luke provided the garage for them to do the repairs. Four best friends, one car.
“Too bad the girls aren’t coming.”
Luke sighed first. “It’s easier this way.”
The corners of Theo’s lips twitched, he refused to frown. “None of us talked about it.”
He meant the cancer, but Luke didn’t talk about that. In fact, his friend still hadn’t verbally acknowledged his health. The doctors were idiots, nosebleeds so often meant cancer or something dire.
“With Sarah at her internship in Oak Bay and V-Victoria dating Ramsay…” Luke looked out the window, unable to finish the sentence.
“When are you going to tell Victoria that you love her?”
The original opening was a dream sequence, frequently not a best practice. This opening avoids the dream issue, but for me there were clarity problems.
For example, the first sentence about endings and beginnings. How can the nature of an ending lead to the nature of a beginning? If this were “The worst beginnings make for the happiest endings.” I would totally understand that. I guess it's a statement of theme, but it's still "telling" and I'd rather start with story.
I also couldn’t parse the statement that: “The doctors were idiots, nosebleeds so often meant cancer or something dire.” I've thought about it, and haven't been able to untangle it.
I also didn’t understand why it being easier that the girls weren’t coming for ride in a car led to thoughts about his friend's cancer.
For me, this narrative feels disjointed in the way it switches direction suddenly and frequently. I think this needs to settle down to a solid scene of something happening that leads to or causes a problem for a character. The first part about the car is setup that doesn’t seem to have anything to do with what happens later, so the story could be gotten to earlier if that goes. Your thoughts?
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ. Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
- Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
- And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.
Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2019 by Max.
My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles
Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.
Continue reading "Flogometer 1097 for Max — clarity issues stall the narrative" »