Flogging the Quill

Flog a BookBubber 204: Jon Messenger—the writing sinks this one from the start

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of Chapter 1 of Wolves of the Northern Rift. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

The whirling blades of the zeppelin propellers hummed within the passenger cabin, as the inflated transport drifted over the frozen landscape below. Frost clung to the windows, leaving tendrils of ice crystals reaching toward one another from their respective corners of the panes of glass. Despite the heat within the undercarriage cabin, the cold blanketed the hull of the craft.

Within one of the private rooms of the large cabin, Simon Whitlock drummed his fingers impatiently on his top hat, which rested on the table between him and his associate. Simon looked out the window, though the glass fogged almost immediately from his warm breath. He rubbed it with his suit sleeve, leaving a damp smear over the glass.

Frustrated, he sat back and pulled on the chain that dangled from his waistcoat. The pocket watch on the end of the chain slid from his vest pocket and spun lazily in the air. Simon grabbed the watch delicately and pushed the button on top. It swung open, revealing the timepiece on one side and a royal crest etched into the silver of the other. A photo of a dark-haired woman had been placed over the crest, concealing much of it. He only halfheartedly read the time before clicking the watch closed and replacing it in his pocket. The motion of brushing his suit aside revealed the butt of the silver revolver, tucked firmly in a shoulder holster. Simon hastily pulled his jacket back over the weapon and looked at his partner.

“How much longer is our trip?” Simon asked, interrupting his associate from his studies. (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4.1 stars on Amazon. Right from the start you know this narrative will have issues—the first half of the first sentence has propellers whirling INSIDE the passenger cabin. Then there’s the overwriting, the description of the minutia of checking the time with his pocket watch. A quick scan of the reviews revealed a number of readers having problems with the quality of writing in this book, and they weren’t wrong. Having downloaded this for review, I am now going to delete it from my Kindle. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1094 for Marlys —are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Marlys sends the first chapter for Cinder. The rest of the narrative is after the break.

The elms clattered and cracked in the predawn chill, sunup still about an hour away. The house lay quiet but I could hear the west porch catching the wind and whipping it around the side of the house, whistling and shrill. I gently eased the door open and closed, careful to avoid the screech so often heard in the old house built by my grandfather a hundred years ago. After passing through the screened porch I headed down the walk past the water pump and windmill. The broad iron gate between the dooryard gardens and the gravel motor yard creaked something awful and I briefly debated going through the dense hedge protecting Grandma’s roses. The hedge generally protected the dooryard from the depredations of hares, hens and the occasional errant cow but a memory of Gran swearing and screeching when the chickens got in last summer made me quickly discard the idea. The miscreants got served up for supper and I did not care to contemplate the fate of a young grandchild who knew the limits of her grandmother’s tolerance when it came to her prize-winning roses.

So in an excess of caution I decided to go through Grandpa’s tool shop which always had good oiling on its door hinges. The door gave only a small protest as I slipped out on the barn side of the shed. I hurried across the gravel, the crunch under my boots sounding like grapeshot. The moon had set but the barn stood black against the paling predawn sky to the east. I reached the main barn doors and slid one aside just enough to squeeze through. It (snip)

The writing and voice are good here, and the opening does give a sense of mood and, for sure, place. However . . . check out the checklist. While item #1 is present, engaging us with a character, item #2 is absolutely absent. Nothing is wrong in this person’s world, and nothing looks like it will be. There are no consequences to her being caught sneaking out of the house. Until something like that is present, despite the quality of writing there is no story here, and no reason to be compelled to want to know what happens next. In other words, writer, start later. Something needs to impact this girl’s life in a way that she MUST respond or suffer consequences. Also, avoid long paragraphs such as the opening one, break them up. Readers need white space. Your thoughts?

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2019 by Marlys.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1093 for Zach —are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Zach sends the first chapter for Two Years Gone. The rest of the narrative is after the break.

Mandi knelt on the hill of morning glory with blood dripping from her cheeks. Her eyes, sticky and rimmed with red, saw the world in black and white as the life slipped away from her. Her sacrifice wasn’t for naught; the flowers beneath her grew in size and color the closer to death she allowed herself to approach. This is it, she thought. She felt no pain, and the only emotions she experienced were a deep, aching sadness and a dull longing for something beyond the life she knew. I tried my best to finish the mission You gave me. I’m sorry I couldn’t manage even that….

Her heartbeat slowed to a rhythmic thud that quickly threatened to pound out of her chest when a raspy, barely masculine voice in front of her spoke: “It’s been a long time coming.”

She fell back and looked upwards, her breath ragged and the color of the world returning to her vision. Stooped over where she had knelt was a figure tall and thin, cloaked and hooded in black. Its hands were clasped behind its back, its head cocked to the left. In front of its unseen face it wore a white mask whose only features were the holes for the eyes and mouth, which were all widened and filled with the same inky blackness that surrounded whatever demon-spawn this was. At her shocked gaze it spoke again: “Why have you stopped?”

She stared at the blooms that she had caused to grow so bright. “I can’t do it…”

“You can and you will,” he told her. “How long have we both waited for this moment? Sweet release and the promise of a world much brighter than this one?”

Hmm. This opening does a good job of raising a story question or two—what’s going on, who/what is the mysterious figure, will she die? There are some craft issues: a small one is a missing word in “Her heartbeat had slowed . . . etc.” And there was a clarity issue: the narrative refers to the inky blackness that surrounded the demon-spawn . . . but no inky blackness has been included in the previous description. Confusing. But those editorial things can be corrected, and it’s the story that counts most on the first page. So I’d give it a turn. Your thoughts?

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2019 by Zach.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 203: D.N. Bryn—strong opening, unique character and world

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of Chapter 1 of Our Bloody Pearl. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

HUNGER HAUNTS ME like a bull shark. With every roll of the ship, the gunk inside my stagnant tub sloshes against my waist, stinging anew. The tight wooden room's stale air burns my lungs.

Steam whistles in the pipes that run along the walls, their copper gleaming in the dim ceiling light. My wrists throb where the metal cuffs locking me to the tub dig into my silver scales. The gill slits along my neck are clamped shut after a year without seawater and my head fins stick to my scalp like barnacles to rock.

I try to anchor myself with the memory of home, of fine sands and vibrant reefs, but I can barely recall the rush of the warm current or the thrill of the hunt. Even a single wrasse sounds like a feast now. Or a few human fingers.

At least I can still smell the sharp brine of the ocean. When the ship rocks, the small, circular window to my left reveals the sea rolling in an endless stretch of deep blue, begging me to return. The silhouette of an approaching vessel forms a blur on its horizon.

I squint at the hazy shape, but Captain Kian’s roar of irritation from an upper deck makes me recoil. My captor’s harsh voice is so loud it seems to shudder its way down my spine.

The new vessel leaves my sight as the ship I’m captive on—the Oyster—turns toward it. The steam stacks clatter to life somewhere beneath me. Fabric and metal wings stretch out from (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4.6 stars on Amazon. Strong writing and voice here that introduce a unique character and what appears to be a steam punk world for this fantasy. The character is sympathetic (I wish there were a name and a gender), held captive in most unpleasant ways. The character is alien, but we can connect with him/her because of the obviously terrible trouble she/he is in. The appearance of the ship on the horizon and the captor’s reaction raise a new “what’s going to happen” story question beyond that of what will happen to this character. If you’re into fantasy, this is a promising opening page. I will read further. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 202: Angela Pepper—voice and character did the trick here

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of Chapter 1 of Wisteria Witches. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

The real estate agent didn't say anything about the house coming with a ghost. Some people would probably pay extra to get a genuine ghost, but I am not one of those people.

My name is Zara Riddle, and I am a witch. A novice witch, anyway.

I spent the first thirty-two years of my life not knowing why I always felt like such an oddball. It turns out witchcraft runs in the Riddle family. I had no idea—not until I moved across the country to a quaint little town I'd never heard of before: Wisteria.

What's that? You've never heard of Wisteria, either? There's a very good reason for that, too. You'll see.

It was a sunny spring day when my daughter and I arrived at our new home. I stood on the sidewalk in front of the property, looking around my new neighborhood and grinning like a ding-dong. Was I dreaming?

Rising up before me was pure perfection. The house—my house—was a three-story Victorian Gothic, painted a heart-racing shade of red all the way up to the triple lancet windows in the attic. The porch was both breezy and welcoming, with wisteria vines twisting along the eaves. The wisteria was in full bloom, dripping with fragrant pink blossoms.

Sure, the yard was a jungle, and the interior was in need of a few updates, but that was fine. After renting for years, I was eager to finally pour my love and energy into a home I'd never (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4.4 stars on Amazon. The voice is smart and promises fun, and the writing is professional. Rather forthrightly, we are quickly introduced to a likeable character—I felt her pride and joy in having her own home. The narrative teases us with the possibility of a ghost and reasons for the town being unknown . . . but that’s about it for story questions. Other than those, there isn’t a strong one raised. The character doesn’t really have to do anything, and her only desire is to move into her house. So, on a technical basis, there’s not a compelliong reason to turn the page. On the other hand, because I enjoy paranormal stories and was entertained by the voice, I will read on to see what happens. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 201: C.L. Bevill—no hint of story, no tension

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of Chapter 1 of Sea of Dreams. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

A sea of dreams washed over the entire world, and when it was gone, everything was different. It happened during the night. On one side of the world it was daylight and might have been much more dramatic. In the Cascade Mountains of Oregon, it was sometime between midnight and three a.m. Exactly when it occurred, I’ve never been able to find out because I’ve never encountered a survivor who was awake during the exact time. I, like many others, had been asleep.

I was lying in a sleeping bag just off the Pacific Crest Trail next to my father. The day before we’d ascended several thousand feet. It had been our plan to meet up with a larger group of hikers who were going to climb the northernmost mountain of the Three Sisters. When Dad and I had hunkered down ten feet away from the main trail, we’d made a cold camp and eaten freeze-dried foods reconstituted with water. Then just as the sun had fled below the horizon, we’d bundled up into sleeping bags and dropped off into a sleep that was dreamless and overwhelming.

I awoke with the sun chasing shadows across the trees above me. I didn’t move at first. My body was stiff from miles of hiking. We’d parked the car in a hiker’s parking lot near Santiam Pass and come up the trail at a brisk pace. My father was in better shape than I was and kept hurrying me along. He hadn’t wanted to miss the ascent to Charity, the northern sister of the (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4.6 stars on Amazon. It is a YA dystopian novel, but you wouldn’t know that from the first page. Just about everyone except teenagers (I assume, didn’t read that far) disappears. She’s hiking with her dad, and when she wakes up he’s gone . . . leaving behind all of the clothes he was wearing still inside his sleeping bag. Electrical things don’t work, cars are dead, etc.

But none of that is on the first page. Nothing goes wrong for the character, she doesn’t have to deal with anything. In short, no story question. And no page turn. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 200: Chris Dietzel—just world-building, no story on this page

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of Chapter 1 of The Green Knight. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

Surrounding the portal, all was black and empty of life. No sound. No movement. Void of everything. Stars, billions of them, twinkled in the distance. But these far-off dots didn’t seem like real things near a portal. Portals were pure energy, and everything else—for hundreds of parsecs—was only a glimmering emptiness.

Any traveler approaching a portal from a distance saw its light twinkling like a miniature sun, growing in size until it dwarfed the very vessel approaching it. No matter how large the ship, it looked puny compared to the immense disc of energy. Even flagships, thousands of times larger than a star fighter, seemed small by comparison.

The portals were so large that some scientists wanted them classified as man-made celestial bodies. Entire asteroids could pass through—if detection and prevention systems didn’t keep such random objects away. In fact, even the smallest moon of Mego Turkomann could almost fit through.

Close to the portal, different people claimed to see different things in the glowing white light. Some said they saw lines of energy. Others saw swirling waves. Some observed cloud formations. Still others saw outlines of space vessels that had already passed through the portal, transporting spices or rare metals from one solar system to another. Some people even swore they could see the future when they looked into the portal’s energy. Others insisted they (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4.1 stars on Amazon. For me, the world-building smothered this opening. I know it’s common in science fiction, but this has no hint of story whatsoever. More than that, the nature of this portal doesn’t impact what happens at all. Two ships come through the portal safely, one blows up the other one and then leaves. That’s it. All this stuff about the portal just doesn’t matter. Start with story, build the world as it develops and as needed to make it make sense. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 199: D.V. Berkon—strong character promises story

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of Chapter 1 of Silent Crime. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

LEINE BASSO GAVE her clothes the once-over, making sure she was presentable before leaning down to wipe the six-inch blade on the dead man’s trousers.

Good. No arterial spatter. If only there was a mirror around when a girl needed one. She made do with the hem of her shirt and wiped her face and neck. The only stain visible belonged to sweat from the intense afternoon heat, which radiated through a pair of partially open, paint-deprived shutters.

The recently deceased thirty-something piece of shit lay on the ground in a pool of his own blood, sightless eyes staring at the fifteen foot-tall plaster ceiling above them. Leine experienced no regret at the loss of his life—not when the person she’d just killed had been responsible for dozens of women and children being sold into the horrors of sex trafficking.

One down, so many more to go.

The trafficker’s death was merely a drop in a very large pool of the never-ending sex trafficking trade—clubs and organizations run by criminals that managed to materialize wherever the need arose. And the need arose pretty much everywhere. This time, she’d been sent back to Tripoli to weed out the scumbags trafficking marriageable young women to the terrorist group Izz Al-Din as bonuses for their freedom fighters. As an elite former government assassin, Leine Basso’s specialized skill set was in heavy demand, and she was glad to provide it for the (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4.9 stars on Amazon. Mostly strong writing and a tough-woman voice introduce one of those kick-ass women that are fun to read about. We know she’s deadly and cold-blooded, and that she sees herself as one of the good guys. There’s no jeopardy here, so no story question, but the nature of what she’s doing and thinking suggests that a story is just about to open. This one I’d give one more page—but just one—to get the story going. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 198: WL Knightly—uh-oh, musing alert!

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of Chapter 1 of Silent Crime. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

During a sleepless night, Jake stared at the popcorn ceiling above him and thought about all of the shit happening in the world. As if to solidify every opinion he had, his phone rang, reminding him that he was right in the middle of it. He rose up and leaned across the woman beside him, their skin peeling apart like it had been glued together with sweat as he grabbed his cell phone from the bedside table. But he didn’t answer it right away. He laid back against his pillow, putting a little space between them so he could cool off.

Jake saw no need to hurry for bad news. It couldn’t be anything else. No one called in the middle of the night with good news. No, good news waited until morning.

He had already spent the past the four hours in bed. Two of those were spent fucking the blonde beside him, while the other had been spent trying to clear his head from the pallid stares of death. Those still, lifeless eyes haunted him.

It wasn’t as if he could really do anything to stop the evils in the world. Nothing was going to change because of him. Jake had once thought he was really going to make a difference as a cop, but with each dead-eyed stare, it became clear that it was an impossible task.

“Are you going to answer that?” asked the sleepy voice beside him. “At least make it stop ringing.”

He could silence it, but he didn’t. He took a deep breath and looked at her. She was no (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4.3 stars on Amazon. High-caliber writing here, and a clear voice for a depressing character. If there were an “Almost” choice in the poll, that’s what I’d give this. What’s my problem? The only thing that happens is that a cop gets a phone call. Sure, I know this is a crime novel and that he will be involved . . . but involved in what? More than that, this opens with one of my non-favorite narrative approaches—musing. We spend our time with his dreary thoughts rather than getting into a crime. Yes, in a way this will likely be about the character’s malaise and how he deals with it, but how about having that happen along with a good mystery? I suspect the voice may be enough for some readers, but it wasn’t enough for me this morning. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 197: Angela Holder—lazy opening dies on the vine

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of Chapter 1 of The Fuller's Apprentice. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

Master Sef stretched the wet woolen cloth to its full extent. He walked his fist, thumb and little finger spread wide, across the fabric from one selvage to the other, measuring its width.

“It’s coming along well. Give it another five hundred strokes, lad, then come fetch me.” He scowled at Josiah. “And mind you don’t go off into one of your dreaming fits. There’s a representative of the Wizards’ Guild coming to check on their order, and we need to show him our best work—not cloth beat full of holes because a lazy apprentice couldn’t keep his mind on his task.”

“Yes, Master Sef.” Josiah gathered the loose end of the bolt of cloth and returned it to its place, bunched in even folds against the back of the long, low box. When he moved clear, Master Sef scowled at him for a moment, then pulled the lever that set the fulling mill in motion.

With a creaking groan the gears engaged, and the six stocks began to move. The heavy wooden heads crept back and swept down. They slammed into the folds of wet wool, sending spray flying. The mill beat the newly woven cloth rhythmically, binding the loose threads together, shrinking and thickening the web into a dense, warm fabric. With a pointed look at Josiah, Master Sef left the room. Josiah grabbed a bucket and went to the open arch to dip it in the millrace, just below where the great water wheel turned the massive drive shaft. He returned to the box and walked its length, pouring water onto the wool to replace what the pounding (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4.3 stars on Amazon. The writing and voice are fine, but what is this story about? If it’s about how wool cloth was made in medieval times, then I’m not interested. There’s a hint of conflict with the warning to not “go off into one of your dreaming fits,” but that hardly seems ominous. And that’s only a warning—there is no actual “something wrong” on this page. Which means I won’t be reading the second page. This is epic fantasy, and those books often take their time establishing the world. But there’s simply no reason that it can’t be established while something resembling a story takes place. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.