Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
- It begins to engage the reader with the character
- Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
- The character desires something.
- The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of Chapter 1 of The Green Knight. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?
Surrounding the portal, all was black and empty of life. No sound. No movement. Void of everything. Stars, billions of them, twinkled in the distance. But these far-off dots didn’t seem like real things near a portal. Portals were pure energy, and everything else—for hundreds of parsecs—was only a glimmering emptiness.
Any traveler approaching a portal from a distance saw its light twinkling like a miniature sun, growing in size until it dwarfed the very vessel approaching it. No matter how large the ship, it looked puny compared to the immense disc of energy. Even flagships, thousands of times larger than a star fighter, seemed small by comparison.
The portals were so large that some scientists wanted them classified as man-made celestial bodies. Entire asteroids could pass through—if detection and prevention systems didn’t keep such random objects away. In fact, even the smallest moon of Mego Turkomann could almost fit through.
Close to the portal, different people claimed to see different things in the glowing white light. Some said they saw lines of energy. Others saw swirling waves. Some observed cloud formations. Still others saw outlines of space vessels that had already passed through the portal, transporting spices or rare metals from one solar system to another. Some people even swore they could see the future when they looked into the portal’s energy. Others insisted they (snip)
You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.
This received 4.1 stars on Amazon. For me, the world-building smothered this opening. I know it’s common in science fiction, but this has no hint of story whatsoever. More than that, the nature of this portal doesn’t impact what happens at all. Two ships come through the portal safely, one blows up the other one and then leaves. That’s it. All this stuff about the portal just doesn’t matter. Start with story, build the world as it develops and as needed to make it make sense. Your thoughts?
My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles
Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.