Flogging the Quill

Flogometer 1089 for Max —are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Max sends the first chapter of The Vulture. The rest of the narrative is after the break.

Listening to Luke beg for his life hit Theo the same visceral way every time. “Buddy, you gotta help me. He’s eating me. We’re best friends dude, why won’t you listen to me? I’m being eaten alive.”

The same damn dream, sixty-five nights in a row since the end of grade 11. Theo avoided Luke in real life; being near him made the recurring nightmare worse. Having to push his friend away was hard, but necessary. The lesson painfully inflicted itself on Theo after their 1st of July road trip.

They stood in the backyard of Theo’s old red house in the faded blue tree fort. The dream made the room bigger so that the teens would fit in it. A luminescent night sky always shone with a waning crescent moon. His friend stood there, wearing clothes from the last day of grade 11. The same black and white sneakers, the pair of light blue jeans, a rough red hoodie that said “Zombicide” in big black letters. The hood; that absurd and heavy hood. It covered his best friend’s face so much, Theo could barely ever make out any features.

Theo knew the point of a dream was to tell him a story, maybe a lesson about himself. Then why did this recurring dream have such hard-to-remember, inane topics? He watched another version of himself interacting with Luke, speaking pure babble. The one consistent unnerving change: new human-sized bites from Luke’s flesh. Now at the end of the summer, little remained except rags flapping in the wind over emaciated flesh or open bone. Why was the face left alone?

“Theo. Dude, you gotta help me,” Luke said, which was the last problem.

The begging. The never-ending begging.

There's good writing here, so that's not the issue--for this reader, though, the storytelling is, beginning with the dream. ”Don’t open with a dream” is a consistent meme in writerdom. Literary agents caution against it over and over, saying things such as “It has been done so many times by so many writers that it’s almost impossible to avoid the clichés.”

The caution is generally against waking up from a dream. That doesn’t seem to be the case here—Theo is thinking about his nightmare. I don’t think that saves it, though. The problem is that the reader knows that the dream is not the actual story, and the actual story is what a reader is here for.

Other than that, I have at least two issues with this opening. One is clarity. One paragraph ends with a sentence about a lesson painfully inflicted after a July road trip. Fine. I’m all ready to read about that painful lesson. But then the next sentence is not about that at all—it’s a scene from the dream. What happened to the lesson from the road trip we were just told about? Having skimmed ahead, I didn’t notice a reference to this lesson in the narrative that followed—maybe you will.

The second issue is that this opening does not create a story question. There’s no real reason to read on, as far as I can see. This is dream stuff, so there’s no jeopardy to Theo, nothing he has to deal with that is a problem for him. Sure, it’s tough having a recurring nightmare, but what are the consequences? He says he has avoided his friend, but what are the consequences for that? I think the story needs to start with Theo encountering a problem that will affect his life in a meaningful way, and I don’t think dreaming about a friend constitutes such a problem. What do you think?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2019 by Max.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 192: Paul J. Teague—backstory fail

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of Chapter 1 of Don’t Tell Meg. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

I waited until my fortieth birthday before I betrayed my wife. If I hadn’t spent that night with Ellie, who knows how things might have turned out. As it was, five people lost their lives before the truth was finally forced out of us all.

I’d been sent on a weekend training course with work. Perfect timing. I was celebrating my special birthday on the Saturday. I tried my luck at wriggling out of it, but my boss Diane wouldn’t budge. She’d been promoted to managing editor less than a year ago, and she had a new boss of her own to impress. Perhaps I should have tried for the senior position when it came up, but I had other things on my mind. I was more interested in Meg.

Meg and I had been married for seven years. We met when I was thirty-one and Meg twenty-nine. She was sexy, gorgeous, great fun and an addiction for me. However long we spent together, I always wanted more. It was only a matter of time until we got married. We lasted two years, then got hitched. It was the natural conclusion to the most intense, passionate and exciting time of my life. We were crazy in love. We didn’t bother living together for years and years, there was no dithering about commitment, we both dived straight in, not even bothering to look for rocks.

But the hazards are always there, in any marriage. I gleaned that little nugget from Martin, our marriage counsellor.

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 3.8 stars on Amazon. Remember that what is on the first page foreshadows the narrative to come. In this case, the writer starts out with a strong hook—infidelity and murder ahead. But then he diverts into backstory, completely abandoning the opening paragraph. This signals more of the same—devotion to backstory and exposition rather than getting on with the story. Reading the comments from people who did read on, that’s what this narrative turns out to deliver. As for this first page being compelling, not for me. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1088 for Roberta —are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Roberta sends the first chapter of The Poor Girl Murders. The rest of the narrative is after the break.

This takes place in 1932.

When I was a little girl I felt safe here in America. Maybe you think I was being a dope considering what had happened to me and Ma in Russia before my sister, Manka, was born but here on the Lower Eastside I knew everyone. Everyone knew me. As a kid, I pretended my building was The Murmansk, the ship that had brought us from Russia and that our tiny apartment where everything from thimbles to needles to combs and hairbrushes had to be tucked away in their own particular place, was the ship’s cabin where Ma had been so seasick during the endless voyage. I could almost see the water in the wash basin on the kitchen table rippling with the ship’s movement when I scrubbed my face in the morning.

As I grew older, I realized the Lower Eastside was not a safe place for little girls. I was nine when a beer truck drawn by four Clydesdales nearly crushed me. When I was ten, I was having a glass of tea with Pa. He leaned over to kiss me goodbye, got up from the kitchen table, put on his coat, and walked downstairs to buy a copy of the Jewish Forward from the newsboy on the corner. That was the last anyone saw of him. Except me. Last year.

Today I learned the Lower Eastside wasn’t a safe place for big girls either.

Good writing and a strong, clear voice tell me this could be worth reading. For my taste, the opening paragraph dwelt more than was necessary with background information. But then it shifts to the perils of growing up there, and then the finish of the second paragraph raises strong story questions. What happened to her father? What happened when she saw him?

And then the last sentence lets us know that there is jeopardy ahead with another strong story question: why isn’t it safe for her? If you read on, I’m interested in your reaction. The good writing continues and the world is very well established, and the chapter ends with murder as a threat—yet, for me, there was more setup exposition that I felt slowed the pace of the story too much. Your thoughts, readers?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2019 by Roberta.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 191: Jacky Gray—just not much there

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the prologue of Archer. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

Archer had a problem. Not exactly life-threatening, but not a good place to be. He had two alternatives, but he was damned if he did and damned if he didn’t. It wasn’t as if he had a choice – this was a matter of honour, a duty he knew every boy in his class would carry out happily.

It was all about a girl. When wasn’t it all about a girl? He thought back to when girls were just friends; that seemed a long time ago. When you could like a girl, be friends with her and do things together, without people getting worked up about it. People like his mate Finn or the guys they hung out with. People like his foster parents. But mostly, the two people he definitely didn’t want to upset: his best mate Fletch and the girl herself, Bethia.

He had a few heartbeats to choose. Either he kissed her and seriously annoyed his best friend or he didn’t kiss her and she would be mortified. And worse, publicly humiliated. Maybe, if she wasn’t kissable … No. Exactly the opposite. Fletch had already made his feelings known and if you believed him, she felt the same way. Archer focussed on her pale green robe so he wouldn’t have to meet her eyes. He could almost see the happy bubble of excitement, which surrounded her several moments earlier, beginning to evaporate as she sensed his reluctance.

How on earth had he got into this predicament? Not exactly his fault, though many would argue over that. His thinking time ended as Malduc blessed the rowan cross. In Bethia’s eyes, (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4.5 stars on Amazon. This narrative starts out with an admission that the problem facing the character is not exactly life-threatening. So why are we beginning with it? It also starts out—and finishes—without us ever knowing where we are. No setting of the scene to be had. And then the problem comes—to kiss a girl or not kiss a girl? The stakes? Feelings may be hurt. Maybe. Story question? Will he kiss her? Compelling? Not for me. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

How did this happen?

I Googled my name the other day--it's good to check now and then--and found the following:

The site is called "Wise Famous Quotes." The quote above is from my novel, The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles, and is from the protagonist tomcat's point of view.

I cannot for the life of me figure out why this is wise and famous. But it was good to see it, I happen to like that line.

I invite you to check out the novel--there are some other pretty good lines in there. Here's bestseller Tess Gerritsen's reaction to the story:

"Quirky, laugh-out-loud fun. Ray Rhamey takes the vampire novel where it's never been before, into the realm of sheer hilarity."

For what it's worth.

Ray

 

Flog a BookBubber 190: Jana DeLeon—three good story questions in one page

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter of Malevolent. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

Emma Frederick bolted upright in bed, her pulse racing. She blinked, unsuccessfully trying to make out anything in the dark room. Storm clouds forming had completely eclipsed the moon, leaving the inside of the house as pitch black as the lawn outside. And a lamp was out of the question. At least for now.

She desperately wanted to dismiss her reaction as the result of a bad dream, but she knew that was a lie. She’d barely fallen asleep when something sent her heart into the stratosphere. She sat perfectly still, holding her breath, praying that her fear was a result of PTSD or an anxiety attack. Seconds ticked slowly by, each one met with absolute silence, and her pulse began

to decrease.

Slowly, she let out her breath, feeling some of the tension leave her shoulders and back. It was nothing. Just her overactive imagination or screwed-up mental state. Or both. She wished

things would get back to normal. Whatever that looked like.

Crrrrreeeeeaaaaaaakkkkkkk.

The sound of the loose step on the interior stairwell sent her body back into overdrive. The night was still. The storm clouds hung over the house, but right now, it was the calm before the storm. No wind at all. Just overwhelming New Orleans humidity. Nothing to cause the old house to make noise on its own. Someone was coming up the stairs. She launched into action, (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4.6 stars on Amazon. The scene is apparent and the dark night quickly set. And something is definitely happening. It’s not the old cliché of waking from a dream, this one is waking because of a sense of invasion that is quickly confirmed. As far as a connection with a character, I know I’ve been afraid in the dark before—haven’t you? The snip has her launching into action, so at least three story questions are raised. Who is in her house? Is the invader dangerous (as it seems)? What is she going to do? Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1087 for Aurelia —are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Aurelia sends the prologue and first chapter of Amser. The rest of the narrative is after the break.

Prologue

The darkness showed a promise. Of a fresh dawn. Or of a permanent ending.

The frosty air wrapped around me like a vicious, icy vine, intent on suppressing whatever few breaths, I was managing to inhale. The ground looked absolute white, layered thickly with frost. The air and frost together, caressing my skin slowly, luring away heat from my body. It almost looked as if they would maintain this action until they perhaps stole my pink blush and supplanted it effectively with cold blue. Even rubbing my hands yielded a paltry amount of warmth that accomplished nothing in appeasing the rapacious appetite of the wintry air around me.

Nothing came to my mind. Every spell, every charm was hazy and blurry. I was even incompetent to perform the simple lighting charm that was taught to infants. Beginning to feel like a want-wit due to my present incapacity, I gave up any effort of trying to remember spells and sank my arms slowly on the frigid ground.

I was trapped in here. With not a single way out. I tried searching for anything that would help me get out of here- a door, a window, a crevice - everything but detected nothing. I had no inkling as to how I ever got in here in the first place. All I remembered was that one blow of gentle air and then, complete nothingness.

Sound of steady footsteps pierced the utter silence. The sound ceased but then (snip)

Chapter 1

"The Wheel is turning in our direction."

I massaged my throbbing temples as I glanced at the words inscribed on the cover of her grandmother's journal. The meaning of the words escaped my brain completely. Not knowing, what to make of the statement, I started taking a better look at the complete journal.

Bound in russet leather, cracked and dry with age, the thick, aged book felt much lighter than it looked. An intricate array of designs were etched across the entire cover from front to back. There was no title on it, except the quotation and my grandmother's name - Louella Abornazine, indicating that I was indeed right to assume it as a journal.

Taking great care, I cracked open the tatty journal. A sound like a small sigh came as a result of the action and a warm and musty smell greeted my nostrils. I tried to breath and smell the forgotten words of my grandmother but ended up inhaling the dust also, causing me to sneeze loudly. Achoo!

The old, thin oniony pages of the journal were so delicate that I feared that they might tear up at the slightest jerk. I slowly turned the first blank page and began reading the contents of the journal.

The ink of the words felt fresh and real as if written just yester eve. The words were written in a crisp, clear handwriting and detailed all the mundane tasks that a witch of (snip)

Very nice writing here, especially appropriate for fantasy. I responded to the voice, as well, and liked that the voices in the prologue and the chapter felt like different people.

For me, the opening page of the prologue had the writing and the story question it needed to earn a page-turn. And, after I read the whole prologue, I wanted it to continue with that story. I was disappointed when it ended.

Then came chapter 1. Still good writing and voice. But it turned out to be primarily setup. There were no story questions raised as far I could see. Is the writer counting on the story questions raised by the prologue to keep this page turning as well? I think so, but I was let down. I was in the grip of a story and then I was transported to setup. For me, this chapter needs to start out running with strong story questions. They didn’t come in the first chapter, perhaps they do in the second. Your thoughts, readers?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2019 by Aurelia.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1086 for Shannon —are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

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Shannon sends the first chapter of Let the Light In. The rest of the chapter after the break.

There was something inherently wrong about dying on one’s birthday. For someone more precise than my mother, it might have been pleasing, satisfying, like a picture frame hanging perfectly straight or Tupperware stacked in towers and rows, each with matching lid. To know that her life was neatly wrapped up in exactly thirty-six years, no extra days waving loose. But my mother hadn’t cared about things like that. If we’d had pictures on the walls of our cramped flat, frames knocked in passing would have stayed crooked for months. If we’d even owned Tupperware—if she had cooked a day in her thirty-six years—its cupboard would have been a bomb site.

And here I’d thought Mum had already experienced the worst birthday, the one a decade earlier. The one when her boyfriend broke up with her instead of proposing, slipped out the door, back to his mansion and his wife. At seven years old I’d watched her collapse, icing and crumbs trailing down the door from where the birthday cake made impact.

No, on a scale of one to dead, this birthday trumped that one.

I wasn’t crying. Shouldn’t I be crying? The last words we’d spoken were the death throes of an argument. Surely that was even more reason to cry, but instead it sucked all moisture from my eyes. My mouth, too. Full of cotton wool, no room for words. But my mother’s final sentences had yet to leave me, still filtered like dye through my water-logged (snip)

Good writing and a clear voice almost started me off in the right direction. The “almost” comes from a clarity issue caused by the first sentence.

There was something inherently wrong about dying on one’s birthday.

You see, I took that sentence as being said by a protagonist who was now dead. Other novels have been narrated by dead people, and this seemed to be that. But it’s not. It is her mother who has died on that day. As the chapter unfolds, it seems as if the mother either committed suicide or was murdered, which is unfortunately not revealed. For me, whichever it is should have been brought up early on. If on the first page, it could have raised story questions.

Speaking of story questions, there isn’t much of one. When you analyze this, it starts off with musing. Then there’s a bit of flashback. The last paragraph does begin to immerse us in the character, and perhaps there is a story question—what was the argument about? But, with nothing there about a suspicious or tragic cause of death, the argument doesn’t seem related to the death, only to their relationship. I think there are strong story elements in this story, but they need to be present on the first page, as much as can be done. Go through the checklist and see how your narrative matches up. Your thoughts, readers?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2019 by Shannon.

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My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 189: John W Mefford—strong story questions demand answers

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter of At Bay, one of a three-book set. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

For a fleeting moment, I could feel my breath stutter against my chest. Then the smell of fear returned, choking every other sense.

Piss. And not just a passing waft. It seemed like my head had been dunked in it, with a hint of crap lingering in the damp air. But there was more. An underlying scent of stale disinfectant clawed at my nostrils.

I tried to swallow, but a sticky saliva filled my mouth. I would have hurled had I not been scared to death.

I called out. No discernible words. I think I pushed air through my voice box, but I couldn’t hear a damn thing.

Where was I? Why couldn’t I speak?

Other than the pungent mixture of smells, a dark fog suffocated me. Suddenly, my chest lifted faster, and I heard a rushing thump. The rapid beating of my heart.

I tried reaching out, but I couldn’t feel my arm. I wasn’t even sure I had an arm. I couldn’t feel a fucking thing.

Somehow I sensed tears pooling. I hoped, begged to feel water run down my face. But it didn’t happen. Nothing happened.

Was I alive? Maybe...partially. But not completely.

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4.3 stars on Amazon. Full disclosure: this was listed on BookBub as free, but actually it’s free only if you have a Kindle Unlimited account. I do, and have read a ton of novels with it.

I call for immersing the reader in the character’s experience, and this one surely does that. The writing and voice are strong, and we are immediately involved with someone who is clearly in trouble. We don’t know much about the character yet, but the story questions are strong. What happened? What’s wrong? Is she (you later learn this is a woman) going to live?

This is an example of the waking-up-in-a-hospital opening, which is sort of a clichéd situation, but I thought this one worked pretty well. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1085 for Anna —are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Anna sends the first chapter of Where the Crawdads Sing . The rest of the chapter after the break.

It was the first time she had been out of the house since the funeral. She walked briskly through the countryside towards town. Her footsteps as light as her heart. Although her steps were filled with hope, she knew her walk to town this morning was not without its perils.

The dirt path broadened and bustling downtown came into view. The sights at once overwhelmed her senses. She studied every line, shape and object that grazed her eyes. She tuned her ear to every sound and surveyed every face.

Everything was exactly the way she had left it. Her smile melted. Her footsteps became heavier. Yet, she stubbornly clung to her optimistic spirit, hoping that those she greeted would kindly do the same.

“Good morning Mrs. Plum, Mrs. Chandler.” Catherine waved but didn’t stop to join the women conversing in front of the bakery.

Mrs. Plum stretched out her hand to return the greeting as customary but instantly drew her hand back as if touching fire and her face curled up in such agitation that Mrs. Chandler stopped her busy chattering to witness the cause of the agitation. Mrs. Chandler’s narrow set eyes grew as wide as a frog’s. Her jaw dropped and she hastily covered her mouth. Neither of them returned the greeting.

Catherine bravely pressed on. Other passerby’s were slightly more cordial than Mrs. Plum (snip)

There’s some nice writing here, and the scene is fairly well set, though I wasn’t able to easily visualize the size of the town. Starting with a dirt path, it seemed like it would be a village rather than a place with a “bustling downtown.” But that’s not all that important.

There is tension here about something the reader doesn’t know about and doesn’t learn about on this page, which, for me, weakens the tension. In other words, what is the problem? What is the trouble? What are the consequences? What is the compelling story question?

The primary story question I get from this page is why are people being nasty and rude to this sympathetic character? Fundamentally, it is primarily setup. In fact, the rest of the chapter is setup—we don’t get to anything happening that the character has to deal with or that causes a problem for her. I think the story starts later, and encourage Anna to look for that point where something problematic happens that forces the character to take action. Meanwhile, there are a few craft issues that should be looked at. A brief edit:

It was the first time she had been out of the house since the funeral. She walked briskly through the countryside towards town. Her footsteps as light as her heart. Although her steps were filled with hope, she knew her walk to town this morning was not without its perils. “the funeral” is a bit vague. this would have more meaning if it were “her husband’s funeral” and would inform what follows. The sentence fragment would serve better if it were a part of the opening sentence. While I respect voice, I feel that continuing to give emotions to her steps rather than the person doesn’t work well. The goal is to immerse the reader in the character’s experience, not that of her feet.

The dirt path broadened and the bustling downtown came into view. The sights at once overwhelmed her senses. She studied every line, shape and object that grazed her eyes. She tuned her ear to every sound and surveyed every face. The highlighted sentence is “telling.” Show us the reactions that let us know that she is overwhelmed. Maybe it would be best to just cut that sentence and stick with what’s happening within her.

Everything was exactly the way she had left it. Her smile melted. Her footsteps became heavier. Yet, she stubbornly clung to her optimistic spirit, hoping that those she greeted would kindly do the same. I would cut the highlighted sentence because, since the reader doesn’t know how she left it or what might be bad about that, this doesn’t mean much. The following descriptions do a better job of showing and immersing.

“Good morning Mrs. Plum, Mrs. Chandler.” Catherine waved but didn’t stop to join the women conversing in front of the bakery.

Mrs. Plum stretched out her hand to return the greeting as customary but instantly drew her hand back as if touching fire and her face curled up in such agitation that Mrs. Chandler stopped her busy chattering to witness the cause of the agitation. Mrs. Chandler’s narrow set eyes grew as wide as a frog’s. Her jaw dropped and she hastily covered her mouth. Neither of them returned the greeting. "instantly drew" is weak adverbial description. Look for a stronger verb such as jerked or yanked.

Catherine bravely pressed on. Other passersby passerby’s were slightly more cordial than Mrs. Plum (snip) “bravely pressed on” is a weak bit of adverbial description. Can you show us? Does she lift her chin? Straighten her back and square her shoulders as she passes?

I liked the character and would have been happy to have been more involved with her, but we need more tension in the narrative. Your thoughts, readers?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2019 by Anna.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.