Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
- It begins to engage the reader with the character
- Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
- The character desires something.
- The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.
Vicky sends the first chapter of Exili Saves the Flintelf. The rest of the chapter is after the fold.
Exili ran as fast as he could. It was hard with no shoes on, even though his dark brown feet had rough soles. The pebbles indented in the cobblestones of Capnet didn’t hurt him, rather, it was the deciphering ability of the undersides of his feet that cried out. Each squish of moisture displaced by his weight, and each waft of essence discerned, all tried to overwhelm his desperate brain. He couldn’t fail and let it happen again. Fear of seeing another murder consumed him.
That Flintelf was just too fast as he led the race. Danger chanted a song of hatred aimed at the Flintelf’s back. The nuances spicing up from the ground rattled with every pounded footfall like dying breath. Around them the neighborhoods of Capnet were transitioning from his own large but snug greenhome in the Farris segment and now they were in the Flintelf community. Here the treehouses, built like square branches blending with the graceful curves of the tree limbs, rose high in the night sky. Flintelves treated trees like Pure Elves had upper floors in their mansions.
When the Flintelf disappeared in front of him Exili went on running a few more paces, trying to feel with his feet the heat of the other’s passage.
Suddenly he was grabbed from behind. Long white fingers checked his flight, lifting his shorter form up so fast his Farris feet were still moving. Wham! He was planted on the ground.
“Now, Farris,” the Flintelf growled at him, “you’ll tell me why you’re following me!”
We start with an action scene, which is all to the good. We’re immersed in the character’s world (mostly) as trouble grabs him. While there’s a lot to like about the imagination in this opening and the fresh new world we’re being introduced to, a lack of clarity earned this an “almost. Here are some editorial thoughts to illustrate:
Exili ran as fast as he could. It was hard with no shoes on, even though his dark brown feet had rough soles. The pebbles indented in the cobblestones of Capnet didn’t hurt him, rather, it was the deciphering ability of the undersides of his feet that cried out. Each squish of moisture displaced by his weight, and each waft of essence discerned, all tried to overwhelm his desperate brain. He couldn’t fail and let it happen again. Fear of seeing another murder consumed him. ”dark brown” is a pov slip—he would not, especially when in a chase, be thinking about the color of his feet. “indented” was my first clarity issue—how can pebbles be indented in cobblestones? Do you mean embedded? The antecedent for “it” is a little unclear. Do you mean being overwhelmed? Can you expand this to make the meaning clear?
That The Flintelf was just too fast as he led the race. Danger chanted a song of hatred aimed at the Flintelf’s back. The nuances spicing up from the ground rattled with every pounded footfall like dying breath. Around them the neighborhoods of Capnet were transitioning from his own large but snug greenhome in the Farris segment and now they were in the Flintelf community. Here the treehouses, built like square branches blending with the graceful curves of the tree limbs, rose high in the night sky. Flintelves treated trees like Pure Elves had upper floors in their mansions. "leading the race" isn't clear--do you mean that they are racing? My impression was that Exili was chasing the Flintelf. Clarity issue. I have no idea what is meant by the last sentence. Another clarity issue. The information about which neighborhood he’s in and what a certain kind of elf does with their housing does not seem relevant to what’s happening here. I’d delete it and stick with the action. You need the space to make this character and what is happening more clear.
When the Flintelf disappeared in front of him, Exili went on running a few more paces, trying to feel with his feet the heat of the other’s passage.
Suddenly he was grabbed from behind. Long white fingers checked his flight, lifting his shorter form up so fast his Farris feet were still moving. Wham! He was planted on the ground. Regarding “planted,” this didn’t give me a clear visual, and I thought it meant that he was still upright. Turns out later he’s on his back. That should be clear here.
“Now, Farris,” the Flintelf growled at him, “you’ll tell me why you’re following me!”
Your thoughts?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ. Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
- Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
- And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.
Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2019 by Vicky.
My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles
Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Hiding Magic
Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.