Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
- It begins to engage the reader with the character
- Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
- The character desires something.
- The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter of The Eden Plague. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?
“Just do what I tell you, Elise,” she heard Jenkins say as she stared at the weird weapon. Growing up on her father’s ranch, she’d fired handguns and shotguns and rifles before, but this thing…he said it was an automatic shotgun, but it looked more like a blaster from a sci-fi movie.
“Hold it tight in to your shoulder. It’s going to kick like a mule but you shouldn’t have any problem with that.” His unsettling eyes locked with hers, and she asked herself again why she didn’t point it at him and use it once he gave her the ammo.
Because I can’t, she answered herself half-bitterly. I never was a killer, and I can't fight my own conscience.
She’d made her peace with he morality, even if it did mean she was under Jervis Jenkins’ thumb. Her current jailer, she loathed him to the limits of her ability. She considered biting him and seeing how he’d like to deal with the consequences, but then others would come to stash them both away in some deep hole and throw away the key.
At least now she was a pampered pet.
At least now they needed her.
For a while.
“Come on, Elise. Focus. Show me how you like to hold it.” Jenkins played with the ziploc bag of special shotgun shells, relishing his cheesy sexual double-entendre.
You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.
This received 4.2 stars on Amazon. There are craft issues here that could be off-putting. To begin with, there’s the misspelled “her” in the fourth paragraph. Also, “unsettling” eyes don’t actually mean anything—show us why they are unsettling and the character’s response to what she sees.
While there is no immediate threat here, the character’s internal monologue does give a glimpse—there’s a risk of being stashed in some deep hole and never getting out. Is that a good-enough story question? There’s another one, too—her thinking of biting her tormentor. What would be the result? Unfortunately, we’re so trained by vampire stories that turning him into a vampire is the thing that comes to mind, and I read enough ahead to know that isn’t it.
If I were paying for this, I don’t think I’d spring for the money—the story questions aren’t really strong enough to compel. On the other hand, I do have enough interest to look at a free page or two. Your thoughts?
My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles
Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Hiding Magic
Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.