Flogging the Quill

Flogometer 1083 for Millie —are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Millie sends the first chapter of The Edge of Nowhere. Millie has elected to not have the rest of the chapter posted.

I should have run. Why I didn’t I’ll never know.

Ben’s stiletto-skinny fingers clutched the back of my neck, and his thumb dug into my cheek. He slammed me face-first against our bedroom wall.

Not another fight. My forehead exploded in excruciating pain, and blood gushed out of my mashed nose onto the hand-painted silk. Burning tears burst from my eyes.

He spun me around. Resplendent in white, custom-tailored, Certified Sea Island cotton, his pecs and biceps filled my vision. His sweat and bourbon-breath fouled the air.

I wanted to blast him to Pluto, but my scream came out a whimper. “Stop it.”

His steel-girder body didn’t budge. A fistful of papers came at me. “Explain this.”

Up close, I couldn’t read the papers, but one blurry detail stood out: my bank’s unmistakable blue logo. My separate bank.

I was busted, but good. Nothing of this earth could save me this time.

“Cunt. You stole from me.” His voice rumbled against my ear. One hand raised the pages out of reach. The other yanked my hair back until I thought my neck would snap. His face loomed over mine, and I registered the relentless determination of his glowering stare, his welded brow, his contorted grimace. “Kate Lancer, hot-shot investigative reporter, think you’re so hot now?”

Wow. Definitely conflict in this opening. A sympathetic character, too—who won’t get behind a woman being assaulted by a violent man? In many respects, the story questions raised in this opening are strong enough to earn a page-turn. However . . .

If adjectives and excess description were sugar, I’d be headed for insulin shock right about now. In Millie’s efforts to give us every nuance of this violent encounter, she has, IMO, gone overboard. I’ll let my edit speak for itself. I think this chapter could be powerful, but only after the over-writing has been excised with judicial use of the delete key. My notes:

I should have run. Why I didn’t I’ll never know.

Ben’s stiletto-skinny fingers clutched the back of my neck, and his thumb dug into my cheek. He slammed me face-first against our bedroom wall.

Not another fight. My forehead exploded in excruciating pain, and blood gushed out of my mashed nose onto the hand-painted silk. Burning tears burst from my eyes. Her forehead didn’t literally explode, which is what this means. It could explode with pain.

He spun me around. Resplendent in white, custom-tailored, Certified Sea Island cotton, his pecs and biceps filled my vision. His sweat and bourbon-breath fouled the air. This is a violent action scene. To stop it with a laundry list of description stalls it.

I wanted to blast him to Pluto, but my scream came out a whimper. “Stop it.”

His steel-girder body He didn’t budge. A fistful of papers came at me. “Explain this.”

Up close, I couldn’t read the papers, but one blurry detail stood out: my bank’s unmistakable blue logo. My separate bank.

I was busted, but good. Nothing of this earth could save me this time.

“Cunt. You stole from me.” His voice rumbled against my ear. One hand raised the pages out of reach. The other yanked my hair back until I thought my neck would snap. His face loomed over mine, and I registered the relentless determination of his glowering stare, his welded brow, his contorted grimace. “Kate Lancer, hot-shot investigative reporter, think you’re so hot now?” relentless, glowering, welded? We can already “see” the fury on this guy’s face, his actions and words give us that. This stops intense action in its tracks. Stay with what’s happening, don’t engorge the narrative with overdone description.

You can have a powerful, compelling scene here. I suggest you look through the rest of the chapter and your manuscript and scour out excess adjectives and description. This kind and degree of overwriting is a strong signal to a literary agent that the manuscript may need too much work to be worth considering. In action, make it quick and crisp.

Your thoughts, readers?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2019 by Millie.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 187: David VanDyke—not strong, but it’s free

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter of The Eden Plague. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

“Just do what I tell you, Elise,” she heard Jenkins say as she stared at the weird weapon. Growing up on her father’s ranch, she’d fired handguns and shotguns and rifles before, but this thing…he said it was an automatic shotgun, but it looked more like a blaster from a sci-fi movie.

“Hold it tight in to your shoulder. It’s going to kick like a mule but you shouldn’t have any problem with that.” His unsettling eyes locked with hers, and she asked herself again why she didn’t point it at him and use it once he gave her the ammo.

Because I can’t, she answered herself half-bitterly. I never was a killer, and I can't fight my own conscience.

She’d made her peace with he morality, even if it did mean she was under Jervis Jenkins’ thumb. Her current jailer, she loathed him to the limits of her ability. She considered biting him and seeing how he’d like to deal with the consequences, but then others would come to stash them both away in some deep hole and throw away the key.

At least now she was a pampered pet.

At least now they needed her.

For a while.

“Come on, Elise. Focus. Show me how you like to hold it.” Jenkins played with the ziploc bag of special shotgun shells, relishing his cheesy sexual double-entendre.

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4.2 stars on Amazon. There are craft issues here that could be off-putting. To begin with, there’s the misspelled “her” in the fourth paragraph. Also, “unsettling” eyes don’t actually mean anything—show us why they are unsettling and the character’s response to what she sees.

While there is no immediate threat here, the character’s internal monologue does give a glimpse—there’s a risk of being stashed in some deep hole and never getting out. Is that a good-enough story question? There’s another one, too—her thinking of biting her tormentor. What would be the result? Unfortunately, we’re so trained by vampire stories that turning him into a vampire is the thing that comes to mind, and I read enough ahead to know that isn’t it.

If I were paying for this, I don’t think I’d spring for the money—the story questions aren’t really strong enough to compel. On the other hand, I do have enough interest to look at a free page or two. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1082 for Vicky—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Vicky sends the first chapter of Exili Saves the Flintelf. The rest of the chapter is after the fold.

Exili ran as fast as he could. It was hard with no shoes on, even though his dark brown feet had rough soles. The pebbles indented in the cobblestones of Capnet didn’t hurt him, rather, it was the deciphering ability of the undersides of his feet that cried out. Each squish of moisture displaced by his weight, and each waft of essence discerned, all tried to overwhelm his desperate brain. He couldn’t fail and let it happen again. Fear of seeing another murder consumed him.

That Flintelf was just too fast as he led the race. Danger chanted a song of hatred aimed at the Flintelf’s back. The nuances spicing up from the ground rattled with every pounded footfall like dying breath. Around them the neighborhoods of Capnet were transitioning from his own large but snug greenhome in the Farris segment and now they were in the Flintelf community. Here the treehouses, built like square branches blending with the graceful curves of the tree limbs, rose high in the night sky. Flintelves treated trees like Pure Elves had upper floors in their mansions.

When the Flintelf disappeared in front of him Exili went on running a few more paces, trying to feel with his feet the heat of the other’s passage.

Suddenly he was grabbed from behind. Long white fingers checked his flight, lifting his shorter form up so fast his Farris feet were still moving. Wham! He was planted on the ground.

“Now, Farris,” the Flintelf growled at him, “you’ll tell me why you’re following me!”

We start with an action scene, which is all to the good. We’re immersed in the character’s world (mostly) as trouble grabs him. While there’s a lot to like about the imagination in this opening and the fresh new world we’re being introduced to, a lack of clarity earned this an “almost. Here are some editorial thoughts to illustrate:

Exili ran as fast as he could. It was hard with no shoes on, even though his dark brown feet had rough soles. The pebbles indented in the cobblestones of Capnet didn’t hurt him, rather, it was the deciphering ability of the undersides of his feet that cried out. Each squish of moisture displaced by his weight, and each waft of essence discerned, all tried to overwhelm his desperate brain. He couldn’t fail and let it happen again. Fear of seeing another murder consumed him. ”dark brown” is a pov slip—he would not, especially when in a chase, be thinking about the color of his feet. “indented” was my first clarity issue—how can pebbles be indented in cobblestones? Do you mean embedded? The antecedent for “it” is a little unclear. Do you mean being overwhelmed? Can you expand this to make the meaning clear?

That The Flintelf was just too fast as he led the race. Danger chanted a song of hatred aimed at the Flintelf’s back. The nuances spicing up from the ground rattled with every pounded footfall like dying breath. Around them the neighborhoods of Capnet were transitioning from his own large but snug greenhome in the Farris segment and now they were in the Flintelf community. Here the treehouses, built like square branches blending with the graceful curves of the tree limbs, rose high in the night sky. Flintelves treated trees like Pure Elves had upper floors in their mansions. "leading the race" isn't clear--do you mean that they are racing? My impression was that Exili was chasing the Flintelf. Clarity issue. I have no idea what is meant by the last sentence. Another clarity issue. The information about which neighborhood he’s in and what a certain kind of elf does with their housing does not seem relevant to what’s happening here. I’d delete it and stick with the action. You need the space to make this character and what is happening more clear.

When the Flintelf disappeared in front of him, Exili went on running a few more paces, trying to feel with his feet the heat of the other’s passage.

Suddenly he was grabbed from behind. Long white fingers checked his flight, lifting his shorter form up so fast his Farris feet were still moving. Wham! He was planted on the ground. Regarding “planted,” this didn’t give me a clear visual, and I thought it meant that he was still upright. Turns out later he’s on his back. That should be clear here.

“Now, Farris,” the Flintelf growled at him, “you’ll tell me why you’re following me!”

Your thoughts?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2019 by Vicky.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 186: Jamie McFarlane—close, but it got me there

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter of When Justice Calls. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

"Rosita, wake up. Sister Marta is coming." Amalia Rouca shook her older sister gently. The two lay together on a single mattress within the pantry of the parish food kitchen.

"Go back to sleep, Ama," Rosita whispered in Spanish, pushing her sister back with a shoulder. "It’s too early."

Ama pulled her knee up to her chest, placed a foot into Rosita's back, and pushed her from the bed. "No. Sister Marta said we had to get up before everyone else if we wanted to sleep here."

Rosita groaned. Light streamed into the room as the pantry door opened. The staunch figure of an aged nun stood silhouetted by kitchen lights.

"Rise and shine, my quiet little urchins." Sister Marta's voice cracked as she spoke.

"Yes, ma'am," Amalia answered quickly. "We were just getting up."

"You're both filthy," the sister observed as the girls scrambled to their feet. Brushing past them, she grabbed for the small bag that held the girls’ only worldly possessions. "We'll run wash and get you cleaned up after we prepare the breakfast."

Amalia knit her brows in confusion as Rosita lunged for the bag the nun had grabbed. "That's mine," Rosita exclaimed as Sister Marta yanked it from her grasp.

"Father Timothy reported that a few items had gone missing in the narthex," Sister Marta (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4.8 stars on Amazon. A nice, immediate scene opens this story, something is happening. Two child characters are quickly introduced, and they are sympathetic, sleeping in a pantry. Also quickly, jeopardy arrives when the num picks up the bag. It seems clear the stolen items are in the bag and the child is the culprit. Strong story question raised right away. It was enough for me. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Later today or tomorrow

I'm on the road today, in Portland, OR, and have a meeting in an hour or so with an industrial design firm about an invention, and then a several-hour trip back home. Will try to post later today, or tomorrow for sure.

Meanwhile, write 200 words today.

Oh, I just sent queries out to ten literary agents for my new novel. It's galling that it will likely take at least a month to hear back, some more than that, but that's the game.

Later,

Ray

Flog a BookBubber 186: Alyssa Day—delightful voice drew me in

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter of Dead Eye. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

A tiger, an alligator, and a redneck walked into my pawnshop. I sighed when I realized my life had devolved into the opening line of a tired joke, but I was awfully glad to see the tiger. Maybe now we could finally get things straightened out.

And to be fair, the alligator didn’t exactly walk, so much as it rolled in on a cart. It had been the unfortunate victim of some really bad taxidermy, and stared out at the world from two mismatched eyes, its mouth open in a half-hearted attempt at ferocity or, more likely, indignation about the sparkly pink scarf wrapped around its neck. It had been wearing a blue plaid scarf the last time I’d seen it. Apparently even stuffed alligators had better wardrobes than I did.

The redneck, lean and wiry in a desert-camo t-shirt and baggy khaki pants, shuffled in sort of sideways, pushing the rolling cart and casting frequent wary glances back over his shoulder at the tiger.

Jack Shepherd was the tiger, and he had nothing at all to do with the redneck or the alligator. The pawnshop, however, was a different story. The pawnshop, according to the will my late boss—Jack’s uncle Jeremiah—had left in the top drawer of his ancient desk, now belonged to Jack.

At least, fifty percent of it did. The other half was mine. I was still trying not to feel guilty about that.

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4.6 stars on Amazon. I’ve read more than one literary agent talk about how important voice is to how they assess the sample you send. The stronger and more unique the voice, the more likely to snare a read.

This opening page is very well written, professional, and the voice promises a lot of fun ahead. There’s implied conflict with the half-owner of the shop showing up and the protagonist thinking about getting things straightened out, which implies a problem. While the story questions are not strong, the voice is, and the world is promising—why does she think of Jack as a tiger? You’ll find out soon. I turned this page just to enjoy more of the narrative. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1081 for Glenda—are you compelled to turn the page?

Apologies for not posting as frequently as usual. There just haven't been any free BookBub books that I wanted to spend the time looking at, and submissions from writers slacked off. I'm in the throes of polishing a new novel, too, and that's a major distraction. But today's submission is worth a look, for sure.

---

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Glenda sends a revision of Broken Toys. The rest of the chapter is after the fold.

Blood trickled from a gash on Alyssa’s forehead. It mixed with sweat and dripped into her eyes, burning and blurring her vision. She brushed it away.

Floundering to a stop, she doubled over, gasping for oxygen. Her pale skin gleamed in the meager light of the crescent moon. She wrapped the dark blanket tighter, camouflaging herself in the shadows. Hands resting on scraped, bony knees, she sucked in a ragged breath, choking on the smell of rotten eggs.

“Sour gas,” he said, bending over beside her, “from the oil wells.” His eyes met hers. The concern — or was it excitement? — smoldering in his indigo eyes pulled at her emotions. “Here, put this on.” He straightened and placed his navy baseball cap over her hair, tucking the platinum lengths from sight. “Let’s go.”

She hesitated.

He grabbed her. The blanket slid from her shoulders. His calloused fingers, rough on her young skin, spun her to face back the way they had come.

“Do you want them to catch us?” he asked, voice menacing. He yanked on her arm, tugging her forward. “I can always take you back, you know. Less hassle on my part that way.”

The metal storage container where she had been imprisoned loomed in front of them, a darker shadow among shadows. Despite the oppressive heat of the early August Texas morning, (snip)

Glenda evokes a strong opening scene here. The scene is quickly set—we have images of where the characters are and what they are doing. A dark mood is created as well, with light, touch, and smells. No musing here, no lazy description, and plenty happening, and there’s jeopardy for a girl who has been imprisoned. There’s hope of rescue for her, too, which creates a strong “what happens next?” story question. From a story point of view, I think this works.

The writing is good, but I felt like it tries too hard at times and not hard enough at others. These are, admittedly, nitpicks, but we’re always looking for ways to make our writing stronger, aren’t we? First, there’s a bit of a break in POV when her pale skin is described. The character wouldn’t be thinking of the paleness of her skin at such a moment, IMO. The description can be made to work, though, with a simple shift in the description.

Her skin gleamed palely in the meager light . . . etc.

Similarly, she wouldn’t be thinking of her hair color here, either. I felt that the color descriptions were trying too hard. “Indigo” is a rare enough word that I had to look it up to be sure of its meaning. In a tense scene like this, why not just “blue” or “gray-blue” so the reader gets an immediate picture instead of having to work for it? The same goes for the use of “platinum.” Sure, it’s a legitimate color for hair, but is in necessary to be that specific for this scene?

Lastly, I was bothered that she hesitated when the guy says to go. Why? She’s being led away from imprisonment in a storage container. Why would she hesitate? Wouldn’t she instead be pulling ahead? If you must have her hesitate here, motivate it. We’re deep in her POV, so you can do that. She could have a greater fear of what’s ahead that of what’s behind, but only if we understand her motivation.

Other than those little things, I think this is worth a page-turn.

Your thoughts?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2019 by Glenda.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1080 for Alison—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Alison sends a revision of a first chapter she submitted last year. The title is The Downfall/em>. The rest of the chapter is after the fold.

This has to be the last time, resolved Emma as she waited. She needed to prove to the doubters, and herself, that this move, this gamble, hadn’t been a massive mistake.

The door swung open, and a stocky, dark-haired man appeared, his hand outstretched in greeting.

“Terry Quinn,” he smiled. “You must be Emma?”

Though not tall, he presented an imposing figure. That, coupled with his buzz cut, immediately created the impression he was ex-military, or police perhaps.

“Yes, Emma Stott,” she replied, rising and straightening her skirt.

“Thank you for coming at such short notice,” Terry said. “Come this way, please.”

The receptionist mouthed good luck and Emma took a deep, steadying breath as she followed Terry into a large open plan, and almost deserted, office.

“I’ve let people go early, what with the weather being so good,” he explained, as though sensing her surprise.

They neared a group of desks, and Emma noticed a blonde head just visible behind a computer monitor. Suddenly the head lifted, revealing a pair of sapphire blue eyes which narrowed and hardened the instant their gazes locked. Rattled, Emma stalled.

“Emma?” Terry was waiting for her, and she rallied, joining him in his office, aware now (snip)

Once again, the writing and voice work pretty well. There is tension in the character . . . but, for me, not in the scene. There’s no conflict or problem that she has to deal with. There’s a suggestion of some kind of trouble with the blue eyes, but we have no clue as to what it could be or why or the stakes involved. The character is fine, and we can connect with being nervous at what appears to be a job interview, but that’s hardly threatening in any serious way. I think the reader needs just a little bit more to chew on here to become involved with this scene. Why is she there? Why do blue eyes upset her? What are the consequences of the interview going wrong? I think Alison is trying to tease us into the story, but I feel we need to be dropped right into it. As it turns out, Emma doesn’t face any trouble in the chapter, which makes me think the real story starts later, well after the setup in chapter 1.

Your thoughts?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2019 by John.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1079 for John—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

John sends the first chapter of The Reckoning. Tom did not wish to share the rest of the chapter.

WILL SHERMAN SHOULDERED his way out of the steamy subway tunnel on Twenty-Third Street and stopped on the hot sidewalk where he gazed a moment at the rash of trolleys, trucks and horsecabs trundling up Broadway. He mopped his forehead and the leathered seams of his face with a black bandanna, then pinched the crown of his flat-brimmed Stetson, clapped it to his head and squared it. He bent the big brim to shade his eyes and, what the hell, squinted up again at the new building that had caught his fancy earlier. He’d passed it one time already on his way uptown but couldn’t get enough of the thing. “Burnham’s Folly” that fellow in the café up on Longacre Square had called it. Most likely after the one who’d built it. Will admired the clean brown brick of the triangular structure that soared up twenty-one floors like an upright flatiron. It was the tallest manmade thing on earth, the man had bragged. For Will, its majesty called to mind the grain elevators of western Nebraska where he’d grown up. A lot of New Yorkers had been betting seriously on whether it would fall over in the first big wind, but it looked more solid than any elevator Will had ever seen. Even so, it was a lovely sight. And after a few more minutes of studying it, he tugged his hat down level and ambled off south toward his sister’s apartment, which lay eight or nine blocks down the wide, tree-lined boulevard known as Irving Place.

Accustomed to making even his shortest of journeys on horseback, Will began sweating (snip)

The writing is solid in this opening, and the scene is well-set. For me, though, there are several issues that forestalled a page-turn. I’ll do a little editing in a moment, but first here are some of the concerns.

The first is that long, long, long paragraph. Readers need breaks in big chunks of narrative so they can take it in with easy bites. A big block of text is uninviting, like a wall. Reading it becomes work, not fun. So, to start with, I’d break it up.

In an effort to give us a sense of the world and the time, the narrative dives into exposition about a building. I’ll bet you guess the answer to this: is the building involved with the rest of the narrative in this chapter?

Nope. All that wordage that could be spent on engaging a reader in what’s happening to our character is spent on nothing happening to our character. As a result, the real opening of action and story is left to the second page. Just so you’ll know, on the second page is this:

“Gimmie your money. And be quick.”

Will, bent over, resting his chin in his hands, heard the voice at the same moment he saw the tips of the shabby brogans. The sole of one shoe flopped loose, the other’s laces were untied. He sat back and looked up into the face of a boy whose rumpled, outsized clothes at first made him look smaller than he was. A fresh-faced kid, muscular. Seventeen, maybe eighteen. His hair, the texture of new rope, was a dark russet. It frizzed out wildly from beneath the visor of the tattered wool cap that overhung his forehead and half hid the eyes. The outlandish look of the unruly hair and cap touched Will. He started to smile. Then he saw the glint of the knife blade in the kid’s right hand.

“C’mon, old man. You deaf? I said hurry it on up. Gimmie the—”

To be sure, I would trim that big paragraph some, too, but at least there’s s serious problem the character has to deal with, and how he deals with it both continues the story, immerses us in his experience, and tells more about the character. But that opportunity for the first page is squandered in details about a building that doesn’t matter to the story in any way.

Another problem with that leisurely narrative about the structure is that it foreshadows more of the same to come in the novel, promising scaling more dense walls of description. Me? I want story.

There are small craft issues, primarily a break in point of view. Let’s see if we can edit this down to get the strong stuff on the first page.

WILL SHERMAN SHOULDERED his way out of the steamy subway tunnel on Twenty-Third Street and stopped on the hot sidewalk where he gazed a moment at the rash of trolleys, trucks and horsecabs trundling up Broadway. He mopped his forehead and the leathered seams of his face with a black bandanna, then pinched the crown of his flat-brimmed Stetson, clapped it to his head and squared it. He bent the big brim to shade his eyes and, what the hell, squinted up again at the new building that had caught his fancy earlier. He’d passed it one time already on his way uptown but couldn’t get enough of the thing. “Burnham’s Folly” that fellow in the café up on Longacre Square had called it. Most likely after the one who’d built it. Will admired the clean brown brick of the triangular structure that soared up twenty-one floors like an upright flatiron. It was the tallest manmade thing on earth, the man had bragged. For Will, its majesty called to mind the grain elevators of western Nebraska where he’d grown up. A lot of New Yorkers had been betting seriously on whether it would fall over in the first big wind, but it looked more solid than any elevator Will had ever seen. Even so, it was a lovely sight. And after a few more minutes of studying it, he tugged his hat down level and ambled off south toward his sister’s apartment, which lay eight or nine blocks down the wide, tree-lined boulevard known as Irving Place. In close third person POV he would not be thinking about “the leathered seams” of his face. Cutting all the information about the building enabled the inclusion of all of the following:

Accustomed to making even his shortest of journeys on horseback, Will began sweating heavily about six blocks into the walk. The moist, heavy air made breathing a chore. His head began throbbing and the hand-tooled saddle boots he’d bought on the recent stopover in Cheyenne were raising blisters like white grapes on his heels and ankles. Finally he hobbled over to an iron bench in a secluded, shady corner of Gramercy Park and eased himself down on it. He slung off the stiff boots, letting air get at his stinging, swollen feet, and sighed heavily. This part about the boots tells us a lot about the character and makes him sympathetic—we’ve all had blisters on our feet, I’ll bet, and know how it hurts.

He couldn’t recall a time when his head had hurt so. It started on him in the oppressive heat of the subway and only got worse with the endless clatter of hansom cabs and the chug of motorcars flitting about. Now he was beginning to wonder if this trip was—

“Gimmie your money. And be quick.”

I loved being taken into this world, and the rest of the chapter shows us a man of action who is also a fairly warm human being, someone I’d want to ride a little further with. So use that delete key, John, and start this story out at a gallop.

Your thoughts?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2019 by John.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.