a: a break in or as if in a material object :gap, aperture<the weedy hiatus between the town and the railroad — Willa Cather><the hiatus between the theory and the practice of the party — J. G. Colton>
b: a gap or passage through an anatomical part or organ; especially: an opening through which another part or organ passes (such as the opening in the diaphragm through which the esophagus and vagus nerves pass)
2
a: an interruption or lapse in or as if in time or continuity <the programs that are to fill in during the summer hiatus — Saul Carson><if deposition of sediment should cease everywhere for a time, a natural … hiatus in the stratigraphic record would result — C. O. Dunbar><hiatuses of thought when certain links in the association of ideas are dropped — Edmund Wilson>
b: the occurrence of or relationship between two vowel sounds without pause or intervening consonantal sound (as when beyond is pronounced without a \y\ sound)
A central theme in my novel, Gundown, is how to make the criminal justice system work better. By work better, I mean:
Dealing with property crimes with restitution and education, not imprisonment
Dealing with violent crimes with two paths--no-frills imprisonment or treatment
Dealing with the get-out-of-jail-free card that the Fifth Amendment often creates
And more. In order to encourage thought and discussion on these and other issues, I'm giving away free ebooks (Kindle, epub, PDF) of Gundown. There's a print edition available for cost at Amazon here.
Free: You're invited to download Gundown here, speculative fiction about social issues that affect all of us, including gun violence.
If you do read it and it resonates with you, I'd appreciate a review on Amazon.
Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.
Tom sends the first chapter of Identity Shift. Tom did not wish to share the rest of the chapter.
Brandon held a no-frills beige wire-free 34B aloft, enthusiastically waving it like he might a pennant bearing the logo of the local Denver professional football team.
“How’d this get in with my stuff?”
Karen looked up from the couch where she’d been studying a newspaper advertisement for tires. “Oh, there it is. Just throw it onto my side of the bed when you go in.”
He returned to folding laundry. Karen soon broke the silence.
“If it’s not one thing it’s another. The service department said my car needs new tires."
"Okay. I'll ch-ch-check into it." It felt good to make that offer. She could be fiercely independent, and opportunities to help her with something important were becoming rare.
"But … it's my car."
His spirits wilted. She’d again misread his intentions. Their relationship was already strained from fighting over one damned feminist code thing or another. He sensed it would be better to just let things go ¬– but he couldn't.
"I was just offering—."
Her eyes pierced the distance. "How do you get to decide?"
He tensed and swallowed the rest of what he wanted to say, then searched her face in hopes of getting a better read on her mood, but she had already returned to her newspaper.
We start with a scene. Good. There’s conflict and tension between the characters. Also good. The writing works (except for what I see as a pretty clumsy way to identify a football team. It doesn’t matter if it’s local, just say something like the Denver Broncos.)
So there’s tension and conflict . . . but what are the stakes? We have a testy woman and a beaten down man quibbling over personal authority in the relationship. This does not seem to be a high-stakes conflict. While I think it’s true that you need something going wrong to have a story, I also believe that the stakes should matter to the reader, if not the characters. Here we seem to just have an irritable, contentious woman and a timid man. I think the first page tells you that he will surrender to her and she probably won’t even notice. Quibble over even before it’s over. I suggest the story starts later when something happens to disrupt his life that has serious consequences. Your thoughts?
Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.
Alex sends the first chapter of Aedan Cross: The Seer’s Legacy . Alex did not wish to share the rest of the chapter.
God, I wish I knew how. My memory — how it comes and goes randomly, or how new, unknown memories seem to form unpredictably. But at this moment, I wish I could forget it all: my childhood, who I was, even… no, especially my weird puberty, which was just starting to act up.
“Jay, was it?” The elderly man glanced at the fundraiser sheet I had given him, and looked up at me with his brows knitted.
A drop of sweat trickled down my face and fell down onto the man’s wooden porch floor. I wanted to yell at him and tell him that wasn’t my real name. I wanted to stop all the hiding and tell him — tell everyone — that I wasn’t who they thought I was.
“Are you okay, son? You’re shaking.”
“I — I’m fine.” The man peered at me over his glasses. But what could I tell him? That I was scared of the man in black who would show up at my house any moment today?
My breathing got heavier. The porch lights right beside us flickered in sync with my shaking hands. It was only a matter of time before I wouldn’t be able to hold in my anxiety, and the lights…
Just puberty. I could almost hear Eritus’ constant reminders echoing inside my head.
“Hmm, I remember back in middle school, fundraising was always stressful for me,” the (snip)
It’s good that we’re starting with an immediate scene—something is definitely happening. The protagonist is definitely afraid and upset. But tension in a character does not necessarily equal tension in the reader, at least as long as we don’t know what he fears and why and what the consequences are. And we don’t know that here.
The opening paragraph starts with narrative about his memory, yet nothing related to that appears in the rest of the page. In face, it doesn’t come back up in the rest of the chapter you can’t read. So why is it there? The lights flickering were a good element and starts us on the track of a paranormal ability and story. And yet nothing comes of it. I ended up giving this an almost, interested because of the flicker and yet not because I’m not clear on what trouble he faces. Because I'm prohibited from sharing the rest of the chapter, I can't go to that narrative to suggest a stronger opening. Your thoughts?
I came across an article on Literary Hub titled "Here Are the Biggest Fiction Bestsellers of the Last 100 Years." Interestingly, sometimes the book that was the bestseller for that year is not the one that is still remembered. Check it out here. The artwork is from the article.
Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.
Leslie sends the first chapter of Flying Solo. The rest of the chapter follows the break.
At this very moment, all over the world, someone is taking a lover, having an affair. Someone is cheating or being cheated on. Someone is lying to a spouse. Someone is walking out on a relationship. Today, I’ll join that loathsome club.
Waking early was a struggle, a cowardly way to leave. To call it quits and skulk away from Sloane while he slept. I knew the distance separating me from my husband would never again be measured in inches. It would be in miles. The sun rising over the Thames would be my only witness.
A faint sound, like the squeaky prayer of a mouse caught in a trap, slipped from my lips as I wrapped my chenille robe around me to ward off the London chill and tip-toed toward the bedroom door.
The rasp of Sloane’s whiskey-laced breathing, rhythmic as a metronome, edged under the frame and faded as I felt my way through familiar spaces toward our guest suite. Nightlights cast tiny white halos on the speckled marble, cold to my bare feet.
I turned on the dresser lamp and leaned toward the merciless mirror to see eyes swollen with pillows of angry tears. Tears that had refused to fall yesterday when I heard the news. The news that galvanized my decision to end my marriage.
I bridled at the memory and closed my lids, trying to bring down the shutters on my life, (snip)
Once I got past the first italicized paragraph, I was interested. I think the strongest opening is the first sentence of the second paragraph, and I’d delete the musing that starts—and threatens to stall—the opening narrative. The rest of the page brings up viable story questions. Will she be caught sneaking out? Since he’s a drinker, will he hurt her if he wakes up and catches her? What will happen next.
There is a signal that a flashback is coming, and it is, but this is one of the good kind, the kind that enhances and deepens your understanding of what’s going on. And it’s mercifully short. I thought there were some issues later in the chapter, but this opening page, minus the first paragraph, worked for me. Your thoughts?
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter of Gone the Next. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?
The woman he was watching this time was in her early thirties. Thirty-five at the oldest. White. Well dressed. Upper middle class. Reasonably attractive. Probably drove a nice car, like a Lexus or a BMW. She was shopping at Nordstrom in Barton Creek Square mall. Her daughter — Alexis, if he’d overheard the name correctly — appeared to be about seven years old. Brown hair, like her mother’s. The same cute nose. They were in the women’s clothing department, looking at swimsuits. Alexis was bored. Fidgety. Ready to go to McDonald’s, like Mom had promised. Amazing what you can hear if you keep your ears open.
He was across the aisle, in the men’s department, looking at Hawaiian shirts. They were all ugly, and he had no intention of buying one. He stood on the far side of the rack and held up a green shirt with palm trees on it. But he was really looking past it, at the woman, who had several one-piece swimsuits draped over her arm. Not bikinis, though she still had the figure for it. Maybe she had stretch marks, or the beginnings of a belly.
He replaced the green shirt and grabbed a blue one covered with coconuts. Just browsing, like a regular shopper might do.
Mom was walking over to a changing room now. Alexis followed, walking stiff-legged, maybe pretending she was a monster. A zombie. Amusing herself.
He moved closer, to a table piled high with neatly folded cargo shorts. He pretended to look for a (snip)
This received 4.5 stars on Amazon. This opening is straightforward, rendered in good writing. We’re in the pov of a creepy guy, and I wish we weren’t. For my money, I’ve come to dislike openings that start with the killer/creepy/nasty character. Nor do I think it’s really necessary. That can all come later, when he strikes.
Still, I couldn’t help but want to know what happens next, if the little girl will be okay. So I gave it a turn. Your thoughts?
Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.
Eoghan sends the first chapter of Hiding in Plain Sight. The rest of the chapter follows the break.
Just before afternoon coffee break, the art dealer decided to kill Roberta Lord.
Compressing a tennis ball, he gazed out of the corner office window, watching another heavy snow shower blanket the area between Harbour Street and Market Square. Snow was a natural enemy; it meant tracks and traces, but with more prolonged showers forecast for tonight, it would hide footprints and allow him to slip away unseen.
He’d observed her at a gallery, and sidled up close to catch her scent, eavesdropping long enough to learn the basics: a single mother and artist, employed part-time in a café, struggling to stretch her income. He overheard her ask where she could find a secondhand copy of a particular book, and later, he’d smelled her insecurity as she paused at a display, giving him a glance and a quick smile.
No conversation. No phone number exchange. No swapped business cards.
He’d taken the volume Roberta was looking for from his own library, and kept it in his briefcase; an alibi, if needed.
He sat back and closed his eyes. Yes. In a few hours, Roberta Lord would die. He willed his body to start triggering that intense, powerful hormonal surge he’d been rewarded with before, swelling and gushing like waves, followed by blessed peace of mind, and…
A desk phone rang, interrupting his reverie. ‘Yes?’
So this first page (and chapter) start out in the creepy point of view of the bad guy. If you read the chapter, you’ll see him murder and be unsatisfied, which motivates him to think about trying something new for his next killing. You’ll get his thoughts on what the next victim needs to be like for his “hunt.”
As it is, I have to say that this opening page definitely contains a strong “what will happen next” story question. From that purely technical point of view, it passes the test. However . . .
I urge the writer to take a look at beginning the story with the protagonist. All the first chapter does is introduce the sadistic, psychopathic nature of the villain. You can do that when he first moves to get our protagonist. This opening chapter, for me, ended up being quite a downer. I really don’t need the bad taste in my mind. I know that the chapter sets up serious trouble to come for the protagonist, but can’t that happen when the struggle is joined? Your thoughts?
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter of a science fiction novel Grayson Manor Haunting. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?
Addison Lockhart watched the cab dart back down the dead-end country road, leaving nothing but a billowy dust cloud in its wake. She squeezed her eyes shut, taking a deep breath before spinning around on the heel of her boot. When her eyes reopened, she wasn’t prepared for the image before her.
You’re here now. You can do this. No more steps back. No more past. And no more death. Only life. Your life. It’s time to move forward.
The house was much older than she thought it would be. It was dingy and needed work—a lot of it. Several of the wood shingles were missing from the exterior. A piece of railing on the left side of the porch had been partially ripped off, its jagged pieces forming splinter-worthy spikes. Even so, there was a sense of grandeur behind the tattered facade—something regal in the architectural beauty of the domed turret and multi-gabled, steep-pitched roof. Even with all of its flaws, none of the windows on the house were broken, not even the magnificent stained-glass one in the center of the top floor.
The property surrounding the Queen Anne-style house was heavily wooded, its thick, mature trees stretching over the back of the mountainside. Addison stood silent and still, taking it all in, hoping she’d made the right decision in coming here. An owl sounded in the distance, making her aware of his presence. She glanced into the trees, knowing he could see her, even (snip)
This received 4.4 stars on Amazon. Sometimes I’m in the mood for a good ghost story, so I thought I’d give this one a look. At first glance, the writing seems okay, though the storytelling needs some adrenaline. What’s happening here? A woman gets out of a cab and looks at an old house, noting its disrepair. So what’s the story question? What happens next, going to a Home Depot for some paint?
Then you look at the narrative. There’s a big hole in the opening paragraph for me. The woman arrives at a place in a cab, gets out of the cab, closes her eyes and turns around, then opens them and sees the house for the first time? Really? Wasn’t she looking out of the cab when it drove up the road? When it pulled up in front of the house? I sure would have been. It doesn’t make sense that she would not have seen the house before getting out of the cab. This writer is not paying attention, a bad sign.
And there’s overwriting. To my eye, this needs editing. For example, the third paragraph:
The house was much older than she thought it would be. It was dingy and needed work—a lot of it. Several of the wWood shingles were missing from the exterior. A piece of porch railing on the left side of the porch had been partially ripped off, its jagged pieces forming splinter-worthy spikes. Even so, there was a sense of grandeur behind the tattered facade—something regal in the architectural beauty of the domed turret and multi-gabled, steep-pitched roof. Even with all ofDespite its flaws, none of the windows on the house were broken, not even the magnificent stained-glass one beauty in the center of the top floor. “Several” is vague, not needed. Giving left and right side is useless and not needed. Changed “Even with” phrase to avoid echo of “Even” in the preceding sentence. Changed awkward “one” referring to the window to “beautry” go enhance the description.