Flogging the Quill

Flogometer 1074 for Kathy—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Kathy sends the first chapter of what I think is a dystopian novel—didn’t get the title. The rest of the chapter follows the break.

I killed my best friend this morning at dawn—if killing is putting a pillow over a person’s face until he stops breathing then this is what I did.

It is only now I write the words on the page that it sinks in I have committed a murder. A crime. Not so very long ago a police detective would’ve been knocking on my door asking questions, requesting an autopsy, and I would’ve been led away in handcuffs. I almost find the fact that isn’t going to happen more shocking than what I did. I am sorry to have to tell you I am capable of murder. But I want you to have some background, some history—although that is such a dry word—and Christopher’s death seems as good a point as any to start.

If he hadn’t been unconscious I could never have done it, though he begged me enough to do so before his mind began to wander. I am not heartless, only practical in the company of the hooded man with the sickle, who had waited on the sidelines for days. And how do you like your blue-eyed boy Mister Death?

Practical because I used a pillow.

His being comatose helped, but only a little, because I still feel—

I can’t describe how I feel. Awful seems too small a word, too meagre an offering. He was everything to me. Everything. My beginning, my middle and my end. My sunrise and (snip)

This is one of those openings that, for me, succeeds even though it doesn’t conform to my guidelines for a first page, proving once again that, in fiction, there are no rules. I have noticed that openings that do manage to do this and earn a page-turn are often in first person. A strong voice can trump missing elements that are ordinarily needed.

For example, setting the scene. By implication, we understand that this is likely indoors, in a place where there can be paper and pencil and probably a table or surface to write on. A room of some kind. And, for the purposes of this opening, that seems to be enough. More of the physical world is revealed later, and the story questions that I see are strong enough to let things unfold at their own pace.

This starts out with a very strong hook, and then the voice draws us in. Story questions arise, some obvious, some less so. We have a hint of why she (I think it’s a she, and that seems to be the case as revealed later) did the deed, but not complete info. It seems to be a mercy killing, and that separates it from actual murder, I think. Although she does feel badly, guilty in a way, but justified. Other questions about this world rise. Why are detectives investigating a death a thing of the past? And there’s a good “what happens to this person next” story question, too. I turned the page. Your thoughts?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2018 Ray Rhamey, chapter © 2018 by Kathy.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1073 for Bob—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Bob sends the prologue and first chapter of Freefall. The rest of the chapter follows the break.

Prologue

Hear now the tale of a hero who rose above the fate assigned him, slew a monster, freed a city and, despite acts that outraged gods and men, persevered beyond tragedy to redeem himself.

His tale unfolds three centuries before Agamemnon left Troy in flames; seven-hundred fifty years before Homer sang The Odyssey, and more than a thousand years before Pericles raised the Parthenon to Athena’s glory. Thirty-five centuries separate today from this time.

Songs and stories taunt mortal understanding of this time. Outlines of structures thrown down, potshards, and marble figures whisper unanswered questions about this age. The gods of this time are long forgotten, so we, the Olympians of the Golden Age, serve in their stead.

What mortals remember of this time, they call myths, tales which hold at their heart an important truth. While such truth may be a historic event or a real person, the truth at the heart of myth may just as likely explain a phenomenon like the cycle of the seasons, illustrate an ideal like selfless friendship, or celebrate a virtue like justice.

Anything that is engaging enough in its time may produce a story but a story that resonates with human aspiration down the ages is elevated to myth. To accommodate passage through the ages, parts of a myth may be lost, others twisted, and their truth obscured.

This tale restores such a myth, only fragments of which have survived, and those so twisted by time that its truth is unrecognizable.

Chapter 1

Amenos, whose name means long-awaited, was fascinated, as a boy of twelve must be, by the frozen expression on the face of the head hanging in the agora. Thoughts and emotions chased one another across his brow.

“Why did they cut off his head?” He asked.

“Lawless men attacked Koristophon’s farm. Four of the King’s Companions recovered the sheep and brought the thieves’ heads to hang in public places to remind all to respect the rights of Corinth’s citizens,” I explained. It seemed to satisfy him.

Later, at lessons, he asked to hear more about Theseus, the young king of Athens, who toppled Minoan control of the seaways, cleared the highways of predators, and established the institution of hospitality improving quality of life for all.

“What must I do to become a great king like Theseus?” he asked.

“Pay attention; learn what the world can teach you,” I told him. He expected heroics.

“Is that all?” he asked.

“It will do for now,” I told him; knowing it would not satisfy him.

An injury at birth left him with a swollen right ankle. Unable to walk any distance even at his ninth name day, his battle, first to walk and then to run, developed both his legs and his character.

If you think about it, the first sentence in the prologue sort of eliminates the need to read further because it summarizes the story and tells us that the character redeems himself in the end. I guess you could say that there’s a story question regarding how he managed to do that, and that might work . . . if we were shown a character to care about. But instead we get information regarding myths.

In Chapter 1 we do have people, including a child with a disability, most certainly a sympathetic character. But we learn that he has battled his condition and has, to some extent, overcome it. The narrator, not the boy, doesn’t have a problem or even a hint of something going wrong for either him or the boy that he has to deal with. So . . . story questions? Tension? Not for or in this reader. I think the story really starts after this chapter if, that is, something challenges the boy during the hunt. The prologue and this chapter are setup, not story.

The writing is good and the world is interesting, and I'd sure like to see them applied to making something happen. Your thoughts?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2018 Ray Rhamey, chapter © 2018 by Ken.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I cruised the BookBub offers today, looking for something worth flogging, but didn't find anything of interest.  So I'm taking the weekend off . . . well, sort of. I'll still be doing some writing and editing, but the edit will be for a continuing client who's a good writer.

Meanwhile, how's your writing life going? Did you do NaNoWriMo? I've never been tempted to do that and wonder what it's like.

Write on.

Ray

Flog a BookBubber 183: Pippa DaCosta—strong voice, good hooks earn a page-turn

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter of a science fiction novel, Betrayal. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

“You killed him?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

Because it felt good. Because he deserved it. Because I wanted to. None of those answers would satisfy Doctor Leanne Grossman. “Because I follow orders.” My voice sounded tedious, exactly like the voices of my 1000 brothers and sisters.

“Whose orders?” she asked. Her heartbeat gave her away. The heart betrays. Yours, I answered inside. Yours, yours, yours, yours. The words pushed forward, up my throat, and over my tongue, but even as I parted my lips to speak, protocols shut the truth away.

Grossman smiled in that sharp, closed way of hers. She had smiled like that when she’d ordered me to kill a man. She’d smiled like that when she’d bypassed my failsafe. I didn’t know whether I should thank her for freeing me or hate her for it. Hate. Yes. That was the right word, the right label for the burn devouring my thoughts.

My fingers flexed on the arms of the chair, just a twitch, but I didn’t recall sending the pulse ordering them to do so. Grossman’s pale blue gaze flicked to my hand. She’d noticed the movement too. Her heart fluttered. Diagnostics told me her body temperature had spiked. Beads of sweat glistened above her top lip. When her gaze met mine, her sharp smile dulled.

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4.1 stars on Amazon. The opening dialogue, even though we don’t know who is talking, is a strong hook. Anytime people talk about killing would be, I guess. The narrative goes on to introduce an offbeat protagonist through her thoughts and reactions to the person interviewing her. There’s something not-human about how she thinks, and that poses questions such as what is she? A killer, we know that, but the subtext here says there’s more to it. With strong writing and a strong voice, this opening page promises a story well told. We’ll see if it lives up to that, but I found this opening and character intriguing. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 182: Angela Roquet—onslaught of backstory a deterrent

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter of an urban fantasy novel Blood Vice. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

AS I LAY DYING ON THE floor of an abandoned warehouse basement in the bowels of St. Louis, I couldn’t help but question every choice I’d ever made. Which one of them had led to this moment? Was it just one? Maybe my entire life had been one poor decision after another. That seemed the most likely answer as I stared into the vacant eyes of my partner sprawled out on the concrete not ten feet away.

Will Banks had definitely drawn the short straw when it came to being paired with me. At the time, it had seemed like divine intervention. His partner was transferring to a PD down in Florida, and I was finally getting the promotion I’d had my sights set on since day one. Will had been my mother’s partner ten years ago. Being paired with him felt like an omen from the universe. Like a sign from my mom even, that everything was unfolding as it should.

What a joke.

I thought of Will’s wife and daughter. He’d bragged about Serena to me just that morning, about the big scholarship she’d been awarded to go into the engineering program at MU. I could remember babysitting Serena the summer Will and Alicia had moved to St. Louis. I’d been sixteen, and she had just turned five. She was all bubblegum cheeks and beaded cornrows, full of exciting facts from her family’s recent trip to the Gateway Arch. That was twelve years ago. Had so much time really passed? I was finally able to think of something (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4.4 stars on Amazon. You ready for a vampire detective who is a kickass woman? Why not? The opening line gives us a strong hook with good story questions—what happened? What’s going to happen next? It delivers a character in deep peril from the beginning. So far so good.

Then the second paragraph shifts to backstory. It’s interesting enough, and I’m willing to swallow it. But then we go into deeper backstory and ignore the problem the character has. For me, this is a turn-off. Because of the hook, I may turn the page, but I’ll resent it, and the author had darn well deliver some story soon. Of course I looked ahead, and there are good places to move this backstory to once the actual story is up to a good start. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 180: John Etzil—strong hook does the job, but there’s better be more

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the first chapter of a an action-adventure novel Fatal Justice. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

I killed an FBI agent last week.

I had nothing personal against the agent and I wasn’t proud of what I’d done, but it wasn’t my fault.

It wasn’t like in Hollywood, where the FBI storms into an arrest situation, everyone sporting one of those dark blue windbreakers with FBI stamped across the back in big white letters so large that a guy could read ’em from two blocks away.

Nor did the dead agent come screeching up in a cloud of tire smoke along with twenty other dark-windowed SUVs and jump out with a megaphone, announcing their arrival.

None of that really mattered though, because I was put in a position where I had no choice.

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4 stars on Amazon. This has to be the shortest first chapter I’ve seen—only ten lines. It’s enough to show strong writing and a good voice. It starts with a strong hook, too—killing an FBI agent is not an everyday experience. Other than the hook, which does raise a story question, there’s not much else here. Is it enough? I guess so—this was so quick it’s easy to turn one page and see how the hook pays off. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 181: Nya Jade—info dump drowns tension

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter of a fantasy novel The Year of Four. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

Phoebe was too far away to sense whether the boy had one heart or two. Through the maze of trees with clattering leaves, she could see him moving with purposeful speed. He was headed toward her destination— a brownstone chapel perched at the top of a small hill. Not knowing the boy’s nature made Phoebe hesitate. Then came the sound of tower bells. Eight o’clock. There was no time to think of an alternate route. She was officially late for the Conversion.

A loud, echoing crack quickened Phoebe’s pace as lightning slashed the indigo sky above her. She had barely reached the base of the hill when rain began pounding down. Clutching the camera that hung from the strap around her neck, she sprinted the final stretch, arriving breathless.

Phoebe wiped the rain from her face, and then entered the chapel. Inside, light from moon-facing windows cast a misty glow across the sanctuary, the air redolent with the smoke of a blazing fireplace. She glanced around the heart of the nondenominational Green Lane Academy. It seemed so ordinary, so quiet, even peaceful. Rows of pews with velvet cushions ran the width of the room. She moved between them, taking care to remain in the shadows. An irregular shape in a dark corner caught her eye and Phoebe could just barely make out the outline of the boy. He knelt with his head between his hands, his body huddled against a pew. Praying.

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4.5 stars on Amazon. It’s yet another teen-girl-comes-of-age-with-powers urban fantasy novel. If you subscribe to fantasy on BookBub, you know how many of these flood the pages. But I thought it was a good time to give it a look—I have enjoyed this genre before.

The writing is okay, and something is happening. But what? While the opening line about two hearts is definitely intriguing, the rest of the page is about going to a chapel in the rain. Interestingly (not really), even though rain is pelting down, which I would assume requires massive rainclouds, the “moon-facing windows” let in light. Light from where?

The boy in the chapel is a waste of the readers time. While he serves to establish a curiousity about the protagonist and her thoughts about one or two hearts—world-building—he doesn’t figure in the rest of the chapter, and I suspect not in the rest of the book. This first page is just setup, an info dump about the world. As for something happening that makes me wonder what happens next, I didn’t see that. This one will not be staying on my Kindle. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1072 for Ken—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Ken sends the first chapter of Freefall. The rest of the chapter follows the break.

Dammit, Angie! Where are you?

Mark Petrie swept a glare around the mist-dimmed space above the skyline, but of course his other sense felt none of Angie’s magic out there. Why should tonight be any different?

But at least, he sensed no flicker of Winton spying on him either.

The thought pushed his feet faster along the pavement, and he left Claremont Road’s nighttime murmurs behind and twisted up Smithson, then across Teal until the November-chilled streets thinned their crowds down to empty sidewalks. Olivia Nolan’s pale-blue car sat next to a shuttered shop, almost right under the meeting place they’d picked.

He adjusted the bag of tools at his side—though they’d never be as useful as the simple leather belt that the bag hung from, or the other belt hidden under his shirt. His shoulder had barely ached in the cold so far; the bullet wound was healing faster than the doctors had expected.

One more glance around. The back street was as deserted as it seemed.

Mark’s will tightened around the magic in the belts, and he scampered up the wall.

His fingers barely touched the cold metal of the drainpipe; that light grip was all he needed. With his weight all but wiped away by the power, he could ride the pipe up as fast as his hands could pull him up. If someone came by below he’d be out of their view in moments, and (snip)

I like that we start with someone doing something and that there’s magic involved. But, when you boil this opening action down to its essence, what do you have: someone is going somewhere to do something—and we don’t know what the somewhere and something are.

There’s no real hint of jeopardy, except that he’s being sneaky. If you look at the first-page checklist, you’ll see that the part about something either going wrong or has already gone wrong, something that challenges the character, isn’t here. Consider starting with the break-in and weave the other characters in later. There is some overwriting to consider, and the use of filters, which I’ll point out with some editorial notes.

Dammit, Angie! Where are you?

Mark Petrie swept a glare around the mist-dimmed space above the skyline, but of course his other sense felt none of Angie’s magic out there. Why should tonight be any different?

But at least, he sensed no flicker of Winton spying on him either.

The thought pushed his feet faster along the pavement., and he left Claremont Road’s nighttime murmurs behind and twisted up Smithson, then across Teal until the November-chilled streets thinned their crowds down to empty sidewalks. Olivia Nolan’s pale-blue car sat next to a shuttered shop, almost right under the meeting place they’d picked. "His feet" is a body-part filter--have the thought push him, the person, not his body parts. The deleted part is overwriting--the streets and their names don't matter to the story. Get on with it.

He adjusted the bag of tools at his side—though they’d never be as useful as the simple leather belt that the bag hung from, or the other belt hidden under his shirt. His shoulder had barely ached in the cold so far; the bullet wound was healing faster than the doctors had expected. Bag of tools too vague. Give a hint. If they're burglary tools, that adds to the suspense. It's not a "simple leather belt," it's a magic belt. Also, the part about his shoulder seems like a non sequitur here. Later it's explained that the magic from the belt(s) may be helping him heal. The place to put the shoulder narrative is when he's scampering up the wall of the shop. That's when the shoulder comes into play, not now.

One more glance around. The back street was as deserted as it seemed. Don't need this.

Mark’s will tightened around the magic in the belts, and he scampered up the shop wall.

His fingers barely touched the cold metal of the drainpipe; that light grip was all he needed. With his weight all but wiped away by the power, he could ride the pipe up as fast as his hands could pull him up. If someone came by below he’d be out of their view in moments, and (snip) His fingers is another body-part filter. He barely touched ...etc.

The edits are just to point out places the narrative could be stronger, crisper. I'd still look for a place later to start this. And I'd avoid introducing so many names in the opening pages--keep it focused on what's happening. For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2018 Ray Rhamey, chapter © 2018 by Ken.

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My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

My "Ask the Editor" interview with AutoCrit

I did an “Ask the Editor” interview with AutoCrit last year, but never knew when it was posted. I just discovered it and thought to share it with you. For the complete interview, go here.

Meanwhile, here’s an excerpt.

AutoCrit: Can you walk us through an average day from an editor’s perspective? What’s your personal approach, technique or system for efficient editing? Have you developed any unique quirks that mark your style?

Ray Rhamey: I can only speak to what I do, and it makes more sense for me to speak of a project rather than a day. I edit novels. The first step is to read through the novel onscreen, using Word’s track changes and comments features to make corrections and notes about what I read. The primary purpose is to get a sense of story and character. Once done, I let it sit and percolate at the back of my mind for a couple of days, during which I’ll work on other projects.

I print out the novel and go through it again on hard copy, wielding a red pen, making copious notes. If there are structural issues, I’ll begin formulating what to do during this read. Once done, I enter the many changes I’ve noted into the document and then let it sit for a couple more days.

I go through the novel a third time onscreen, always catching even more punctuation and typographical errors. If structure needs work, I’ll rearrange what I can and also write up notes on what to change later. A few pages of notes are the final step, with comments on both the strengths and shortcomings I find, and how to deal with the shortcomings.

If there are any aspects of editing that I think I’m particularly good at, they are continuity, story, and character. For some reason, during an edit the whole book takes up residence in my mind after the first read, and inconsistencies that the writer and their beta readers have missed jump out at me. That ability helps eliminate little glitches that can take a reader out of the story. I also have a finger on the pace of a story, and coach/edit writers into a crisper pace when a narrative lags.

You may find the rest of the interview informative. Let me know if you have questions.

For what it’s worth,

Ray

Flogometer 1071 for Cindy—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Cindy sends the first chapter of When Dragons Wake. The rest of the chapter follows the break.

Cloaked in fur and illusion, Meretrix crept through the ruins of the ancient colonnade, her skin prickling with the spell that allowed her to pass, unseen. A wind too raw for early autumn whistled between the columns. As she neared the end of the corridor, the ground trembled and severed her concentration, and her glamor of nonbeing. She hunkered amid the rubble and waited for the quake to pass. Above the shattered roof, clouds scudded across the face of the moon and her red companion.

When the red star turns the night to blood,

Deo-Inneen, in flesh, shall come....

The Rhyme of the Prophecy still sent shivers through her, although Meretrix had little trust in a savior and less in the priests' scriptures.

When she was a child, the blood star had been a point of light marking the start of harvest season. In the decades since, the orb had swelled and tremors became more frequent. A fortnight ago, when the star stained the moonlight red, frightened worshipers crowded temples throughout the Redlans. Yesterday, the high priest himself came to the hold, unannounced, and today her youngest blood sister was dead, murdered by his inquisitors.

The Sisters had not helped her or intervened. A new Purge had begun and someone had to convince them to fight, if not for women of the Gift, then for themselves. Now that one of them (snip)

The writing and voice are clear and professional—the opening description was nicely magical. There’s tension in this immediate scene, and story questions—why is she concealing her presence? Is there danger?

But is that enough? There are missed opportunities, I think. For example, the Rhyme of the Prophecy gives her shivers, but why? There’s nothing in those words that seem threatening to me. I don’t get a sense of mission from this narrative, either. Yes, her sister is dead, but what is her purpose here? Is there danger of her being killed? That’s not clear at all.

I would work to get more into this page that creates jeopardy for her. For example, what would happen if she is caught? Would the consequences be dire? I’ve done some editing below that might free up a couple of lines, and I’d consider tightening this even more to create tension here. The rest of the chapter is equally well-written, though I felt that it, too, lacked a sense of what the character’s real problem is and what she needs to do about it. Cindy, consider the checklist item above about something that challenges the character. Make it happen sooner rather than later. Some editorial notes:

Cloaked in fur and illusion, Meretrix crept through the ruins of the ancient colonnade, her skin prickling with the spell that allowed her to pass, unseen. A wind too raw for early autumn whistled between the columns. As she neared the end of the corridor, the ground trembled and severed her concentration, and her glamor of nonbeing. She hunkered amid the rubble and waited for the quake to pass. Above the shattered roof, clouds scudded across the face of the moon and her red companion. My dictionary lists “glamour” as the first spelling, and I recommend it because it feels more exotic and magical to me. I used this concept in my novel, “Hiding Magic,” though it was differently done.

When the red star turns the night to blood,

Deo-Inneen, in flesh, shall come....

The Rhyme of the Prophecy still sent shivers through her, although Meretrix had little trust in a savior and less in the priests' scriptures.

When she was a child, the blood star had been a point of light marking the start of harvest season. In the decades since, the orb had swelled and tremors became more frequent. A fortnight ago, when the blood star stained the moonlight red, frightened worshipers crowded temples throughout the Redlans. Yesterday, the high priest himself came had come to the hold, unannounced, and today her youngest blood sister was dead, murdered by his inquisitors. I’d cut the first two sentences—they are backstory, and don’t really contribute to the tension needed in a first page. Yes, it’s world-building, but that can wait. Shouldn’t this “his” be “her?” The antecedent for the pronoun is the sister, not the high priest. Also, the narrative doesn’t say that he also had inquisitors with him. It reads as though he was the inquisitor. A clarity issue. If the pronoun refers to her, then this might read “murdered by her inquisitor.” Or, if it’s to be the priest, then it should be “murdered during the high priest's inquisition.”

The Sisters had not helped her or intervened. A new Purge had begun and someone had to convince them to fight, if not for women of the Gift, then for themselves. Now that one of them (snip)

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2018 Ray Rhamey, chapter © 2018 by Cindy.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.