Flogging the Quill

Hold that thought . . .

Under the weather today, be back at the keyboard Monday.

Ray

 

Flogometer 1067 for Michelle—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Michelle sends the first chapter of Colorless Rainbows . The first 17 lines follow, the rest is after the break.

He approached her beneath the street light—his cold, inhuman glare never faded even as she pleaded for him to stop. Up went the gun, too fast. BAM. BAM. BAM.

A tingly wave rushes into my head. I can’t move because my feet are tangled between the legs of my desk chair and my left shoulder is searing with pain. I’m lying on the floor—not sitting upright like I was five seconds ago wishing I was elsewhere.

I open my eyes slowly, and voices pop up from all directions:

“Emily, are you okay…?”

“Hi, I have a student who just collapsed onto the floor—”

“Help her up…”

Two pairs of arms hoist me up off the floor. I yell about the pain in my shoulder, so the two guys lifting me shift their hands around until I stop wincing. My head starts to ache, and I feel nauseated. I don’t think I’m going to throw up, though maybe I did already and just don’t realize it. The noise of the panic around me makes it impossible to hear myself think.

The last thing I remember was Ms. Lennon droning on and on about the significance of Lady Macbeth scrubbing her hands while sleepwalking. I was also thinking about how I should have had breakfast at home. I had planned on getting French toast sticks in the cafeteria but (snip)

The voice and writing are good, and the scene definitely opens with something going wrong for the protagonist. The italicized first paragraph is also interesting and contains jeopardy. But how well does it all work together?

I assumed that the opening paragraph—let’s call it the “vision”—was directly related to Emily waking up on the floor of her classroom. But then confusion set in when the last paragraph tells us that the last thing she remembers is the teacher droning on and on—and not the vision. So is the vision not connected to what happens to her? If not, then why is it there?

For me, it seems like the vision needs to be tied more firmly to Emily’s experience. We should know for sure that it was her vision and it was the reason for her passing out. That leads to strong story questions. As it is, the lack of clarity is a barrier to turning the page. For example, what if the story opens with Emily's eyelids drooping as the teacher drones and then the vision hits her, things go black, and then she wakes up on the floor. Now we know that the two are connected and we want to know more.

There are a few edits to suggest. The first is to have hands help her up, not arms. A second is to eliminate the part about the guys shifting their hands around—just let her yell about her pain and get on with it. Maybe the hands should help her sit in her desk chair—it seems as though she continues to stand. My vote would be to help her sit. A third is to cut the part about hearing herself think—just let us know that the noise makes it impossible for her to think. BTW, the phrase “to hear myself think” is a cliché that should be avoided.

The rest of the chapter is a straightforward accounting of going to the nurse’s office and some backstory. But the tension level stays pretty flat because there’s no more connection to the vision, and no more story questions are raised. Her assumption is that she just fell asleep and doesn't think about the vision at all. IMO it should be remembered and worry her. I suspect this story could start later, or that most of the business about going to the nurse can be cut to get us directly to something really going wrong that’s connected to the vision.

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2018 Ray Rhamey, chapter © 2018 by Michelle.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 176: J.K. Accinni—foreshadows of overwriting a deterrent

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter in the first book from a sci fi collection, Alien Species Intervention: Books 1-3: An Alien Apocalyptic Saga. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

It came to young Netty in her sleep. The first probing finger, an aura glinting under the sleeping eyelids of her brain, unnoticed. She lay under shabby blankets in the primitive bed of her murdered mama, in the tiny remote cabin of a loving childhood. Now, her debilitated physical condition crippled her to the point of numbness. She tossed in her sleep, disturbed by the pain of the injuries that continued to bedevil her, taking unwanted turns with the unseen alien presence which explored her unguarded mind.

The night passed too quickly, as it always does when overwork and fear become your only companions. Rising early, intending to continue the repairs she doggedly hoped to complete, she found herself ignoring the fireplace that begged a spark.

Drawn to the broken door of the cabin, she stared into the quiet woods at the far side of the field, affected by an unfathomable magnetic pull. Nothing moved; familiar maples and oaks were frozen in their leafy majesty. The eerie stillness unaccountably frightened her. She felt goose bumps lift the hairs on her plump work-worn arms. Against her will, she stepped out onto the narrow stoop and down the few steps to head across the fallow field.

Netty trudged around the wild blackberry thickets until she came upon the hint of a faint path; all that remained of the well-worn trail she’d traveled incessantly as a child. The nebulous pathway led her directly through the foreboding woods until she reached a familiar cleft in a (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This collection earned 3.8 stars on Amazon. There’s a point in the film Amadeus when the emperor tells Mozart that his music has “too many notes.” A sense of too many words grew as I read this opening, and anticipation of overwriting grew. It felt as if every noun had an adjective and every verb an adverb: young Netty, probing finger, shabby blankets, primitive bed, murdered mama, tiny remote cabin, loving childhood, debilitated physical condition, unwanted turns, unseen alien—and that’s just the first paragraph.

Despite all the description, too much is vague. The antecedentless pronoun “It” that opens the paragraph--what does it refer to? Later, I can deduce that it refers to the alien presence, but I shouldn't have to work that hard to understand what's going on. Her physical condition is “debilitated,” but in what way? She has injuries, but what are they? She nonetheless seems able to get up and move. There may be an alien involved, but, for me, that hint of story was buried by the writing. And the writing foreshadows more of the same. I skimmed ahead, and I wasn’t wrong. And I found this narrative continually interrupted by chunks of backstory. Pass. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 175: W.J. May—how interesting is a bald guy? Not so much.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter from a fantasy collection, The Chronicles of Kerrigan Prequel. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

“AND that, kids, is your last class till the New Year!” Lanford actually sounded excited. For a first-year teacher, he probably was. He now had two weeks of Christmas break with no kids to lecture or tutor. Nor did he have to hang out in the dingy halls of the decrepit old buildings of Guilder.

Simon sighed. He knew he was being unreasonable. Professor Lanford wasn’t that bad; besides the fact, the guy was starting to lose his hair. He didn’t look super old, but by the time the professor was in his sixties, Simon bet Lanford would be sporting a wig or one very bad-looking comb-over. Simon ran his fingers over his own curly mop of brown hair. That was never going to happen to him.

Focus, Simon. Making fun of Lanford’s increasing forehead size wasn’t the reason he was off today. He grabbed his bag and threw it over his shoulder before heading out of the Oratory. The carvings on the walls seamed to follow him as he headed out. He shuddered. The whole campus was eerie. All based on a stupid theory by King Henry VIII, and now he, Simon Kerrigan, was trapped in this place for another two and a half years.

His mother always moaned that time sped up as you grew older. It couldn’t freakin’ move fast enough now. He was the only kid in his year who didn’t have his tatù yet. Guilder Boarding School, in all its finery, had moved him up a year because of his apparent brain smarts. True, he (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This novel earned a solid 4.4 stars on Amazon. Three novels for the price of none is hard to resist, but worth the price (of your time) only if the stories are good. It happens that I’ve read some of the novels for which this collection is the prequel (flogged them a while back). They were pretty good, the writing was solid like this opening is, and the magic was fun.

Which brings us to this opening page. Story questions? Nope. Hints of the supernatural, or magic? None. Long, boring description of a balding teacher? Yep. And I’ll wager that his baldness has naught to do with the story. So, on the strength of this opening—actually, lack of—this gets a pass from me. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1066 for Tiffany—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Tifanny sends the first chapter of The Element. The first 17 lines follow, the rest is after the break.

I could just see the edges of her crimson cloak sweeping the floor as she was led away by black muddy timber boots. I could swear I heard the choke of her stifled outcry and saw the sudden whip of her cloak. Had he yanked her arm? Just that afternoon all the Girls of 16 had prepared with great cheer for the Cloaking rites we’d worked toward for the last ten years. As the first class to receive these rites, no higher honor had ever been bestowed to anyone at The Element. We were the first to don the red cloak. We were the fulfilled promise of the prophecy.

I glanced over at Jude who motioned toward the doorsill frantically. I peeked again. Nothing. Cassie was gone.

I stood, eyes like orbs, and lifted my index finger to my lips. Jude nodded and we moved quietly away from the door and sat on my bed together.

“What happened?” Jude whispered.

“Someone took Cassie.” I said.

Jude began to tremble as I took her in my arms and drew her plump head to my chest.

“It’s going to be alright. The prophecy requires sacrifice.” I said, unconvincingly.

My head was spinning, heart flippity flopping in my chest. First there’d been gentle Eva, then the rambunctious yet adorable tow-headed twins Lena and Louren. They’d been allowed to say their goodbyes. We’d see them soon, we were assured, after their transcendence. Now Cassie (snip)

There is some tension and mystery here, and the voice feels right for a teenage girl. This feels like a dystopian story, and I always enjoy those. Because of the narrator’s emotions, the story question does have some weight—what has happened to Cassie? There’s a related story question—will it happen to the narrator and Jude. However, I think the writing, while pretty clear and technically correct, needs more thought put into it. I’ll do a quick edit below. Your thoughts?

I could just see the edges of her crimson cloak sweeping the floor as she was led away by black muddy timber boots. I could swear I heard the choke of her stifled outcry and saw the sudden whip of her cloak. Had he yanked her arm? Just that afternoon all the Girls of 16 had prepared with great cheer for the Cloaking rites we’d worked toward for the last ten years. As the first class to receive these the rites, no higher honor had ever been bestowed to anyone at The Element. We were the first to don the red cloak. We were the fulfilled promise of the prophecy. Boots, all by themselves, can't lead anyone anywhere. This doesn't make sense. She can be led away by a person wearing boots, of course.

I glanced over at Jude, who motioned toward the doorsill frantically. I peeked again. Nothing. Cassie was gone. Adverbs with verbs are weak description. Either show it somehow--her hands fluttering, she motioned . . . etc.?--or don't use it.

I stood, eyes like orbs, and lifted my index finger to my lips. Jude nodded and we moved quietly away from the door and sat on my bed together. Eyes ARE orbs. Don't need to show index finger, the reader will picture it just fine, it's a tiny bit of overwriting. Same for "together."

“What happened?” Jude whispered.

“Someone took Cassie.” I said. She can't know that someone took her, she just saw a cloak and boots, but she can think/believe.

Jude began to tremble, so as I took her in my arms and drew her plump head to my chest. We're in close third person, it's unlikely that she would be thinking about her friend's head being plump.

“It’s going to be alright. The prophecy requires sacrifice.” I said, unconvincingly. But I didn't believe what I said. Adverb description doesn't work. How does someone say something unconvincingly? Use something like the addition to indicate this.

My head was spinning, heart flippity-flopping in my chest. First there’d been gentle Eva, then the rambunctious yet adorable tow-headed twins Lena and Louren. They’d been allowed to say their goodbyes. We’d see them soon, we were assured, after their transcendence. Now Cassie (snip) Spinning head is a cliche, the heart description does the job (should be hyphenated). Deleted "in my chest" because that's the only place her heart can be, we all know that. Re tow-headed: we don't need all this description of people who we'll never see.

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2018 Ray Rhamey, prologue and chapter © 2018 by Tiffany.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 174: Bernie Van De Yacht—strong voice, soft opening still inviting

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter of A Man Walks into a Hardware Store. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

The tarnished shop bell’s high-pitched tone signaled his entrance into her life, as well as into the antiquated hardware store where she'd worked for as long as she could remember.

Her first image of him was through the convex security mirror suspended over the “Nuts and Bolts” aisle. His face had a haunted look. It was eerily reminiscent of the lost potential and unforgiving harshness of a mug shot, yet there was residual evidence suggesting he hadn’t always looked this way. There were the soulful brown eyes framed in long lashes, the full head of dark hair graying around the temples, and the cleft chin. She’d always had a thing for cleft chins.

She knew he wasn’t from around these parts by the way he was dressed—conservative white-collar attire, pressed and creased in all the right places, just like you see in those men’s fashion magazines that nobody buys. He was nothing like the cowboys in Porterville. They were just creased. And dusty. No, he was different, and she was intrigued by different. Different rarely entered her hardware store.

She hunched over the counter, watching him with a mixture of bemusement and pity. He was looking for something and she could easily help him. But that would spoil all the fun of waiting for him to ask. ’Cause she knew all men hated to ask.

He looked uneasy and restless as he wandered down aisle after aisle. She figured he did (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This novel earned a remarkable 4.9 stars on Amazon. The title was irresistible—I just had to check this out. The opening has the feel of a romance, yet romance is not among my BookBub categories, which are primarily crime fiction, mystery, suspense, science fiction, and fantasy. I’m still nto sure how this one fits, but the blurb does refer to secrets.

But what about turning the page? The voice and the writing are strong, smooth, and professional. There are hints of tension in the way the woman thinks about what she sees in this customer. They suggest that this man could be trouble in some way, but there’s nothing solid, is there? Bottom line, unless you’re into romance, this opening page doesn’t offer a strong opening story questions. Yet, for me, there was appeal.

The unique flavor of the title promises an unconventional and interesting writer at work, so I did scan ahead. I’m pretty sure I’ll read this one despite a non-so-compelling opening. In my regular floggings of unpublished authors I’d give this an “Almost.” Here I’ll turn the page but also vote for getting some editorial input to see if there’s a way to make the opening more of a grabber. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 173: Denise Grover Swank—good hook, but I had doubts

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter of Twenty-Eight and a Half Wishes. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

It all started when I saw myself dead.

Rain hung heavy in the air that Friday afternoon. The air conditioning of the old municipal building didn’t know how to handle it, making the office especially chilly. I’d just returned from lunch and grabbed my worn red sweater out of my drawer as I sat down at my workstation. The fluorescent lights flickered overhead, casting a sickly gray pallor over the room.

I sucked in a breath to prepare myself for the next few hours. All that rain was bound to ruin a lot of Memorial Day weekend plans, making the DMV customers even crabbier than their usual.

“Number fifty-three,” I called out over the counter as I turned on my computer screen.

A scruffy man in his mid-thirties approached and plopped his paperwork on the chest-high counter in a huff.

“I need to renew my plates,” he said. Irritation made his voice scratchy.

I looked him over as I tugged the paperwork toward me. Gray-tinged stubble covered his face, a sharp contrast to his shaggy dark brown hair. His light brown eyes held a menacing glare. I chided myself for my foolishness. Everyone has menacing eyes at the DMV on a Friday afternoon, even the sweetest of grandmas.

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This novel earned 4.4 stars on Amazon. I wavered on this one. The writing is okay—I’d quibble with a few word choices—but the voice is otherwise sound. The scene is pretty well set, and the first line is a strong teaser. I do have one issue—plenty of time is spent on the fact that it’s raining and its effect on people. I skimmed ahead, though, and the rain does not play a part in what happens next in the first chapter. So why all that time spent with rain? Get on with it. The hook was strong enough for a page turn, but I’ll need more real soon. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 172: Edward W. Robertson—clear peril plus mystery work together

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter of Outlaw, a science fiction story. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

Jain prided herself on being a person who prepared for everything, but there was only so much you could do to prepare to jump across two thousand miles of open vacuum.

Within the walls, motors whirred and clunked. The air sucked from the lock with the hiss of water on sand. And then she heard nothing at all. The floor vibrated faintly. The doors parted on a sliver of blackness. It yawned wider and wider, speckled with colorless dots of light. The stars weren't twinkling. No matter how much time she spent outside the envelope of Earth, she still wasn't used to that.

She detached her shoes from the floor and jumped.

She craned her neck for a look at the ship, but the suit and her gear blocked most of it. A black oval shrinking behind her. Jain put her eyes forward and was immediately overwhelmed by the multidimensional vertigo of plunging into empty space. She had no sense of up, down, or across, and so she felt all ways at once. Her breath roared in the mask. The edge of her vision grayed. An insistent beep chirped in her ears, alerting her that her heart rate was dangerously elevated. She shut her eyes and breathed.

Once the beeping quieted down, she opened her eyes. Which insisted that space was in front of her. In fact, she was flying, exactly as she'd been doing a minute earlier. She just happened to be doing so in a much smaller vessel—an environmental suit.

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This novel earned 4.4 stars on Amazon. This opens in media res with a very clear scene. For me, it raises several story questions. Why is she jumping across 2000 miles of space? Will she survive her leap? There is clear peril for the character, and her motivation is a bit of a mystery. The voice is clear and the writing professional. I was willing to turn the page to find out more. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 171: Morgan Rice—strong character & problem for a good start

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter of Transmission, a science fiction story. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

Kevin was pretty sure you shouldn’t be told you were dying when you were thirteen. There probably wasn’t a good time to be told it, to be fair, but definitely not when you were thirteen.

“Kevin,” Dr. Markham said, leaning forward in his chair, “do you understand what I’m saying to you? Do you have any questions? Do you, Ms. McKenzie?”

Kevin looked over to his mom, hoping she would have more of an idea what to say next than he did. Hoping that maybe he’d misheard all of it, and she would explain. She was short and slender, with the tough look of someone who had worked hard to raise her son alone in Walnut Creek, California. Kevin was already taller than she was, and once, just once, she’d said that he looked just like his father.

Right now, she looked as though she was trying to hold back tears.

“Are you sure this isn’t a mistake?” she asked. “We only came in to the doctor’s because of the things Kevin was seeing.”

The things he was seeing. That was such a gentle way to put it, as if even talking about all of it might make it worse, or bring more of it. When Kevin had first told his mother about it, she’d stared at him and then told him he should ignore it. Finally, when he fainted, he’d woken up to find that he had an appointment with the family doctor.

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This novel earned 3.9 stars on Amazon. While this opening page doesn’t clue the reader that this is a science fiction novel, it does introduce us to a sympathetic character who clearly has a problem, one that has the highest of stakes. So, strong story question raised right away.

It struck me that there’s very little description of the setting, and then I realized why: we’re in a doctor’s office, and pretty much all of us have been in a doctor’s office. We can easily imagine both the setting and the doctor, sort of composites of our own experiences. This is the kind of thing Stephen King talks about in his book, On Writing—the reader as participant in what is imagined. And it works. I understand, easily, what is happening and where, and I want to know what happens to this boy. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

https://www.amazon.com/Transmission-Invasion-Chronicles-Book-One-Thriller-ebook/dp/B07D4PMZ42?_bbid=10565814&_bbtype=blog Rhamey, editor, editing, book design, book doctor, fiction craft, book doctor, Flogometer, flogging, bookbub, bookbubber, review

Flog a BookBubber 170: Ty Patterson—drowning in character soup

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter of Scorched Earth. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

Low-tech usually beat high-tech when it came to countersurveillance and espionage. In-person meetings were harder to intercept than emails and phone calls.

The planners and perps applied those same principles when it came to the takedown. They knew that the office on Columbus Avenue was like a fortress. It had cameras on the outside, visible ones, as well as discreet. They knew a supercomputer inside the building was continually scanning street traffic.

If a vehicle or a person passed the office more than a certain number of times, the computer was programmed to investigate. If a car or a bystander loitered over a threshold period, Werner, the supercomputer, kicked in.

No, the perps had to go low-tech. It was the only way they could execute the grab successfully. It was the only way they would live, because they were going against some of the most lethal men and women in the world.

The office was home to the Agency, a covert government outfit that didn’t exist on paper. It was run by a female director, Clare, who was based out of DC and reported to only one person—the president.

It had just eight operatives: Zeb Carter, the lead agent; Broker, the intel analyst; Bear, Chloe, Bwana, Roger and the twins, Beth and Meghan Petersen.

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This novel earned 4.7 stars on Amazon. This novel is the 11th in a series, and the high score suggests that it’s popular. But what of this first page? What does it give a reader who is new to this series?

It delivers a lot of telling and a barrage of setup. The page ends with what literary agent Janet Reid calls “character soup”—a brew of names that don’t mean anything to the reader. This page offers 9 names in two paragraphs. Gripping, right? Not if you don’t know who they are.

But what of story questions? I guess it’s whether or not the “grab” is successful. But grab of whom in that tureenful of names? What is the purpose? What are the stakes? Who is the bad guy? Who is the good guy? In short, the tension on this page averages out to about zero for me. Oh, and “countersurvellance” is not one word. Pass.

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.