Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
- It begins to engage the reader with the character
- Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
- The character desires something.
- The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Tifanny sends the first chapter of The Element. The first 17 lines follow, the rest is after the break.
I could just see the edges of her crimson cloak sweeping the floor as she was led away by black muddy timber boots. I could swear I heard the choke of her stifled outcry and saw the sudden whip of her cloak. Had he yanked her arm? Just that afternoon all the Girls of 16 had prepared with great cheer for the Cloaking rites we’d worked toward for the last ten years. As the first class to receive these rites, no higher honor had ever been bestowed to anyone at The Element. We were the first to don the red cloak. We were the fulfilled promise of the prophecy.
I glanced over at Jude who motioned toward the doorsill frantically. I peeked again. Nothing. Cassie was gone.
I stood, eyes like orbs, and lifted my index finger to my lips. Jude nodded and we moved quietly away from the door and sat on my bed together.
“What happened?” Jude whispered.
“Someone took Cassie.” I said.
Jude began to tremble as I took her in my arms and drew her plump head to my chest.
“It’s going to be alright. The prophecy requires sacrifice.” I said, unconvincingly.
My head was spinning, heart flippity flopping in my chest. First there’d been gentle Eva, then the rambunctious yet adorable tow-headed twins Lena and Louren. They’d been allowed to say their goodbyes. We’d see them soon, we were assured, after their transcendence. Now Cassie (snip)
There is some tension and mystery here, and the voice feels right for a teenage girl. This feels like a dystopian story, and I always enjoy those. Because of the narrator’s emotions, the story question does have some weight—what has happened to Cassie? There’s a related story question—will it happen to the narrator and Jude. However, I think the writing, while pretty clear and technically correct, needs more thought put into it. I’ll do a quick edit below. Your thoughts?
I could just see the edges of her crimson cloak sweeping the floor as she was led away by black muddy timber boots. I could swear I heard the choke of her stifled outcry and saw the sudden whip of her cloak. Had he yanked her arm? Just that afternoon all the Girls of 16 had prepared with great cheer for the Cloaking rites we’d worked toward for the last ten years. As the first class to receive these the rites, no higher honor had ever been bestowed to anyone at The Element. We were the first to don the red cloak. We were the fulfilled promise of the prophecy. Boots, all by themselves, can't lead anyone anywhere. This doesn't make sense. She can be led away by a person wearing boots, of course.
I glanced over at Jude, who motioned toward the doorsill frantically. I peeked again. Nothing. Cassie was gone. Adverbs with verbs are weak description. Either show it somehow--her hands fluttering, she motioned . . . etc.?--or don't use it.
I stood, eyes like orbs, and lifted my index finger to my lips. Jude nodded and we moved quietly away from the door and sat on my bed together. Eyes ARE orbs. Don't need to show index finger, the reader will picture it just fine, it's a tiny bit of overwriting. Same for "together."
“What happened?” Jude whispered.
“Someone took Cassie.” I said. She can't know that someone took her, she just saw a cloak and boots, but she can think/believe.
Jude began to tremble, so as I took her in my arms and drew her plump head to my chest. We're in close third person, it's unlikely that she would be thinking about her friend's head being plump.
“It’s going to be alright. The prophecy requires sacrifice.” I said, unconvincingly. But I didn't believe what I said. Adverb description doesn't work. How does someone say something unconvincingly? Use something like the addition to indicate this.
My head was spinning, heart flippity-flopping in my chest. First there’d been gentle Eva, then the rambunctious yet adorable tow-headed twins Lena and Louren. They’d been allowed to say their goodbyes. We’d see them soon, we were assured, after their transcendence. Now Cassie (snip) Spinning head is a cliche, the heart description does the job (should be hyphenated). Deleted "in my chest" because that's the only place her heart can be, we all know that. Re tow-headed: we don't need all this description of people who we'll never see.
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ. Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
- Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
- And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.
Flogging the Quill © 2018 Ray Rhamey, prologue and chapter © 2018 by Tiffany.
My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles
Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Hiding Magic
Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.