Flogging the Quill

Flog a BookBubber 162: Alison Golden—once again, a clichéd opening fails

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first page of Chopped. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

DIANA FORCED HER eyes open. She glanced outside. It was still dark. The bright green numbers on her alarm clock said four o’clock. AM. Why was she awake? She had had only two hours sleep.

She concentrated for a moment. No strange noises were coming from her apartment. No one had broken in. She sighed. Whatever had awakened her, she didn’t rightly care. She turned over, burrowed deeper into her covers, and sighed. It was time to get back to sleep. A moment later, peppy, upbeat tones sprinkled their way loudly across the silence of her bedroom. Diana’s eyes snapped open. Again.

She turned over with a grunt and glared at her cellphone. She considered her options. Throw it across the room and smash it to pieces? Or answer and explain a few facts of life to whomever was calling at this ridiculous hour?

Choosing option two on the basis that it would be less expensive in the long run, she picked up her phone and looked at the caller ID. Hopkinson. “What?” she barked.

“Aren’t you cheerful?” Peter’s sunny voice rang in her ear.

“Do you know what time it is?” She was in no mood for Peter’s quips. Her soft pillows called out, tempting her to rest her head in that lovely softness and let the warm cocoon of sleep take her back to Neverland. And Peter bloody Pan here just had to ruin it

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This novel earned a very strong 4.8 stars on Amazon. It always interests me when a book has such a strong showing in the ratings. What did they do to deserve high marks? Do they, like this one, open with one of the hoariest clichés of crime fiction, waking a character with a phone call from a cop at a very early morning hour? Give me a break; why did we need to wake her up early? I skimmed enough after the first page to know that it has NO bearing on the story. Strike one: cliché.

Once we have the character awake, surely a story question will pop right up. This is, after all, a mystery, and mysteries are built upon story questions. The reader who starts with this page is headed for disappointment. The only possible question is what is the man calling about—we don’t even know he’s a cop at this point. A compelling story question? Nope. A compelling opening? Not for this reader. This is the fourth book in a series, so I suspect all the high ratings come from readers who have read this author before and liked what she does. But, for a first-time reader, this didn’t cut it. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1062 for Michelle—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Michelle sends the first chapter of Colorless Rainbows. The first 17 lines follow, and the rest of the chapter is after the break.

Is it morning yet? Kind of a dumb question to ask when I’m staring at my ceiling and see darkness. My eyes roam to my digital alarm clock. Three-forty-three A.M. I stare at it until my eyes cross and ache in exhaustion. It doesn’t make me any sleepier, but it does make my eyes water.

I notice how the light from the streetlights slithers between the blinds on my bedroom window. The narrow, orange bars on my wall make my room look like a jail cell. I might as well be in jail considering this is an awful punishment. I’ll force my eyes closed if I must; I need to sleep.

For the past six months, I’ve been unable to get a full night’s sleep for more than a few days at a time. I’ve tried everything the Internet suggests to fix this: green tea, meditation, setting a routine…

Perhaps that’s part of the problem; I hear spending too much time on the computer screws with your sleep cycles, something about blue lights.

Sometimes I’ll have bad dreams. I’ll wake up to flashbacks of the night of September 14th, cry, and never get back to sleep. They love to butt into my stream of consciousness when my mind is most active, right in between the hundreds of songs I’ve memorized and scenes from my favorite cartoons. So it’s either pray I get a normal dream, experience a realistic nightmare that (snip)

There are a few fixable writing craft issues, which I’ll address in my notes below. The voice is personable and appropriate for a first-person narrative. But what about the storytelling? Is there a story question raised on this page?

Nope. We open with a character waking up, a clichéd opening that will get you into trouble with a literary agent from the get-go. After a bit of musing about what time it is and streetlights, we lapse into backstory and a reference to a past event that is unclear. There really is no “what happens next” question raised here. Later in the chapter the character has an unusual vision while in class and passes out. I think that’s where the story needs to begin. Notes:

Is it morning yet? Kind of a dumb question to ask when I’m staring at my ceiling and see darkness. My eyes roam to my digital alarm clock. Three-forty-three A.M. I stare at it until my eyes cross and ache in exhaustion. It doesn’t make me any sleepier, but it does make my eyes water. It’s a common error to have eyes doing things they can’t do in reality, such as leave their sockets and roam over to an alarm clock. Her gaze can do this, but not her eyes.

I notice how the light from the streetlights slithers between the blinds on my bedroom window. The narrow, orange bars on my wall make my room look like a jail cell. I might as well be in jail considering this is an awful punishment. I’ll force my eyes closed if I must; I need to sleep. The “I notice” is a filter and not needed. Just start with what the character is experiencing, in this case the light slithering. The bars on a jail cell are generally vertical, the slats in blinds are generally horizontal, so I don’t see how the orange bars replicate jail-cell bars. The “this” pronoun has an uncertain antecedent, at best. The punishment is orange bars on her wall? Didn’t make sense to me.

For the past six months, I’ve been unable to get a full night’s sleep for more than a few days at a time in a row. I’ve tried everything the Internet suggests to fix this: green tea, meditation, setting a routine…

Perhaps that’s part of the problem; I hear spending too much time on the computer screws with your sleep cycles, something about blue lights.

Sometimes I’ll have bad dreams. I’ll wake up to flashbacks of the night of September 14th, cry, and never get back to sleep. They love to butt into my stream of consciousness when my mind is most active, right in between the hundreds of songs I’ve memorized and scenes from my favorite cartoons. So it’s either pray I get a normal dream, experience a realistic nightmare that (snip) The reference to the night of September 14th, with nothing to tell the reader what happened, is essentially meaningless to the reader. Either let us know what it is or don’t include it. You don’t need meaningless words on the first page where you are trying to hook a reader.

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2018 Ray Rhamey, prologue and chapter © 2018 by Michelle.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1061 for Michele—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Michele sends the first chapter of SNAP: Red Bear Rising, book 10 of a series. The first 17 lines follow, and the rest of the chapter is after the break.

Dense, rich, moist. The cake lived up to its billing. Which one, chocolate, white, lemon? Maybe all three?

Jazz shook her head. There were too many niggling details. As the Managing Editor of the SNAP print edition, who handled hundreds of details for each issue, these details were familiar territory. She could picture layouts in her sleep, assign stories, find contributors, track down rumors from breezes on the internet.

Hiring, training, even firing staff had become second nature for her. At home, in L.A., she was centered, knew the grid of freeways and webs of friends, enemies, acquaintances of the glitterati. Her decisions were deft, her instincts for news or scandal unerring.

Sitting in Nik’s house in Kiev, tasting cake samples for her wedding, overwhelmed her.

She had to do this herself. Her closest friend and boss, Maxie Gwenoch, married Jean-Lois Kandesky last year and allowed him to change her. Maxie loved the vampire life, but it was no good asking her to try the flavors, she didn’t eat any more. At least not regular food. Jazz picked up the fork and tried again.

No use, they were all good.

She asked Sabina, her maid, to box up all the samples while she ran upstairs to grab a coat. If she was home alone, she dressed in SoCal casual, jeans and a sweater. Going out, even to (snip)

There’s a little clarity issue, but otherwise the writing is good and the voice inviting. The clarity issue lies in the first paragraph. The first sentence (fragment) of adjectives details aspects of the cake mentioned in sentence two. Sentence two refers to a single cake. But then sentence three refers to three flavors. Unless the single cake that is dense, rich, and moist has all three flavors, there’s a problem here. To fix it, I’d make the second sentence read: The cakes lived up to their billing.

That aside, what’s the story question here that is going to COMPEL me to turn the page? Is it “will she make a mistake in deciding which flavor of cake to choose?” That’s the only question I can wring out of this opening, and I don’t find it compelling.

A strong opening has something of significance to the life of the protagonist either about to go wrong, going wrong, or gone wrong. In other words, the protagonist needs to have a problem for which a wrong response can have serious consequences—meaningful stakes.

Now, this is book 10 in a series, and Michele may well have a following for which this leisurely (lazy?) opening works, and that’s fine. But for a reader new to the series, this page is unlikely to compel a page turn. The rest of the chapter is well-written exposition, setup, and backstory. I didn’t see the point where the actual story starts. Michele, I suggest you look for that point and consider starting there. Approach the story as if it were the first in the series and focus on a strong hook for the opening—that will serve your readers better, and you as well. Read through the checklist above and see how you can work those elements into your opening. Best of luck, it sounds like a good vampire world.

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2018 Ray Rhamey, prologue and chapter © 2018 by Michele.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 161: D.C. Alexander—a very near miss

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first page of The House of Closed Doors. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

It was a clear autumn night, the dark sky full of stars, the crisp air smelling of fallen leaves. Special Agent Nathaniel Arkin and his partner, Special Agent Tom Killick, with faces painted and wearing ghillie suits, sat in an observation post surrounded by camouflage netting in the woods near Appomattox, Virginia. They wore radio headsets for communicating with two roadside surveillance teams and their command post down in Lynchburg. Killick watched a dilapidated single-wide trailer through a pair of high-powered spotter's binoculars mounted on a tripod, while Arkin, lying prone, watched through the scope of one of his own hunting rifles. He had agency-issued night vision binoculars as well. But while their subjects were clearly visible in the well-lit trailer, he preferred the higher power of his rifle scope.

Their target was a middleweight methamphetamine dealer and white supremacist named Raylan McGill. McGill was the prime suspect in the murder of an Ethiopian Jew convenience store clerk in Richmond. He was also the de facto leader of a conspiracy known to be in the final stages of planning a car bomb attack on the Holocaust Museum in Washington, D.C.

The directorate's teams had been watching McGill's trailer from this position—roughly 150 meters up the gentle slope of a forested hillside—in eight hour shifts for the past week and a half, looking out for any co-conspirators they hadn't already identified. But so far, there'd been nothing. No visitors—not even a relevant phone call or email. The only noteworthy thing they'd (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This novel earned 4.4 stars on Amazon. Strong writing here, clear and matter-of-fact, a suitable voice for a crime novel/thriller. The setting is clear and the people in the scene are identified. It’s law enforcement at work, so you might assume that something will indeed happen.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t happen on the first page. The team is in place but it seems to be nothing as usual in their surveillance. In other words, no story questions have been raised.

One could have been, though. If the author had trimmed down the exposition and information, he could have gotten this on the page:

(The only noteworthy thing they'd) seen was McGill drinking too much and slapping his wife around every couple of days. Tonight was different.

For me, that little bit would have been enough to generate a page turn. As it is, I’m waffling, which ultimately means a no. It’s a near miss and, if I have the time, I may go further. But would an agent have done so? Your thoughts?

Should this writer have hired an editor?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1060 for Linzmarie—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Linzmarie sends the first chapter of Command the Ocean . The first 17 lines follow, and the rest of the chapter is after the break.

This was a really bad idea. Probably the worst idea, Anson had ever had in his 38 years on the earth (he had some truly terrible ones- marriage #1, marriage #2) and the sea seemed to agree as it mixed with the sky in a whirling, torrential, violet, yelling monstrosity shrieking at him. He looked back at the man he had dragged on this wretched escapade and couldn’t even see him amid the downpour.

Wait, a light in the night, there was the lantern, blackened on three sides. “Blackbeard” is whom the miller’s friend had said he had seen near the abandoned part of the island. A 200-year-old ghost of a headless pirate was not a helpful description even of a phantom in the dark. “A man,” was his boy’s less fantastical suggestion. Their progress patrolling the beach was painfully slow. Anson wondered if they would even make it to see if it was haint or man or just be consumed by weather.

“Samuel!” Anson yelled. The wind carried back his message down the beach to the cook. “Bowser,” Anson called using the cook’s surname as well as if there was any doubt to whom he was bellowing. He hadn’t wanted to bring the cook. He had wanted to bring another surfman, someone who would know how to patrol the beach. The station keeper forbade him from taking any of the lifesavers so he brought the cook, which in the fall of 1893 meant a Negro and someone who had little to no lifesaving experience. “Samuel!” he called again.

While there’s some vivid imagination in this immediate scene, and it does portray trouble for the character, I’m afraid the craft isn’t ready for prime time yet. For me, there were several clarity issues on this page, which foreshadows more to come.

Issue: where are they? The reference to the sea suggests that the character is on a boat, but he isn’t. We don’t learn until the third paragraph that they’re afoot on a beach.

Issues: there are problems with antecedents for pronouns. See my notes below.

Issue: some overwriting, see my notes.

There are more things that led to confusion for me. I suggest that this writer make it a habit of reading the narrative aloud. Her ear may pick up on some of these things—this sounds like a promising story set in the 1800s, but it hasn’t made it to the page yet. Here are some editorial notes:

This was a really bad idea. Probably the worst idea, Anson had ever had in his 38 years on the earth (he had some truly terrible ones- marriage #1, marriage #2) and the sea seemed to agree as it mixed with the sky in a whirling, torrential, violet, yelling monstrosity shrieking at him. He looked back at the man he had dragged on this wretched escapade and couldn’t even see him amid the downpour. The opening word, "this," is a pronoun without an antecedent. As such, it has no meaning because the reader doesn't know what it refers to. This is one of my pet peeves, and I see it frequently. There's no place for meaningless words in a story, especially on the first page. "38" should be spelled out: thirty-eight. Also, did you mean "violent" where you wrote "violet?" You need to make careful proofreading a part of what you do before sharing your writing with others. Reading aloud might have caught this.

Wait, a light in the night, there was the lantern, blackened on three sides. “Blackbeard” is whom the miller’s friend had said he had seen near the abandoned part of the island. A 200-year-old ghost of a headless pirate was not a helpful description even of a phantom in the dark. “A man,” was his boy’s less fantastical suggestion. Their progress patrolling the beach was painfully slow. Anson wondered if they would even make it to see if it was haint or man or just be consumed by weather. I became completely lost at "Blackbeard." What is this sentence talking about? We jump from a description of a lantern to something the miller's friend said. It turns out that they're looking for a man who was seen on the beach and the person who reported it called it "Blackbeard." This could be fixed, eg. Anson was searching for a man the miller's friend called "Blackbeard" and who was seen near the abandoned part of the island. You need to keep the reader in mind and include the clues they need to understand what's going on. The highlighted "their" is another pronoun antecedent issue: it refers to the miller's friend and his boy, but the writer's intent was to refer to Anson and the black man. A major clarity issue.

“Samuel!” Anson yelled. The wind carried back his message down the beach to the cook. “Bowser,” Anson called using the cook’s surname as well as if there was any doubt to whom he was bellowing. He hadn’t wanted to bring the cook. He had wanted to bring another surfman, someone who would know knew how to patrol the beach. The station keeper had forbidden forbade him from taking any of the lifesavers so he had brought the cook, which in the fall of 1893 meant a Negro and someone who had little to no lifesaving experience. “Samuel!” he called again. The deleted sentence is a bit of overwriting--the inclusion of micro detail that doesn't impact the story. It surely doesn't matter if the reader knows the cook's last name at this point.

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2018 Ray Rhamey, prologue and chapter © 2018 by Linzmarie.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 160: Jane Steen—plucky character, good writing

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first page of The House of Closed Doors. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

My stepfather was not particularly fond of me to begin with, and now that he’d found out about the baby, he was foaming at the mouth.

I mean that literally: One of Hiram Jackson’s less attractive characteristics was the liberal spray of spittle that doused the room whenever he got agitated about his subject. He was in full flow now, in both the verbal and salivary sense, and a small crest of foam gathered in the corners of his thin lips as he paced, hands clasped behind his back and chin jutting. His face glowed a dull, mottled red, and the stretching of the skin occasioned by his outrage caused his eyebrows, small goatee, and side-whiskers to bristle outward like outcrops of winter trees on a piebald landscape. The charm for which he was famed had evaporated, and I found myself wondering, in a detached manner, what my mother had been thinking when she decided to end her long widowhood by marrying this man.

“Who is the father?” Hiram swung round to glare at me as I stood—as far from the spittle cannonade as possible—in a strategic position near the door. Bet, our housekeeper, had rushed me downstairs before I could reach for one of the shawls I had been using to conceal my growing belly, and my dress strained over the lump. I would have to let it out again, I thought. I was uncorseted, of course, as I had been for many weeks.

I did not answer his question, and he strode toward me, knocking over a small occasional (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This novel earned 4.4 stars on Amazon. The voice and narrative are strong, and they deliver a feel of an historical scenario with the language. The protagonist shows that she’s a strong character, unafraid of the fuming stepfather, illustrated by her consideration of his appearance at the moment.

There is an implied threat to her with his advance upon her in which he knocks over a piece of furniture. However, I think this opening could be a tad more compelling. I’d trim down the description of the stepfather in order to get the following on the page:

I’d cut down on the kissing and fondling to include this line:

“I said, who is the father? Answer me, Nell, or I will not be responsible for my actions.”

Inserting this makes the threat of physical violence imminent and adds to the tension. With that on the page, I think it will be turned. I did anyway because of the strong writing and the strong character it introduces. Your thoughts?

Should this writer have hired an editor?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 159: Diane Henders—fooling around almost lost me

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first page of a thriller, Never Say Spy. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

French-kissing the hot guy in my fantasy seemed like a good idea at the time. After all, when has imaginary tonsil-hockey ever turned out to be life-threatening?

I could have really enjoyed it, too, if my head didn’t hurt so damn much. When I touched the sore spot my fingertips showed a little smear of blood, but I puzzled over that for less than a second before I returned my attention to the much more interesting subject at hand. Or hands, to be exact.

I ran said hands down his back and over buns of steel. We were making a creditable attempt to lick each other’s tonsils when a furious voice erupted from inches behind me.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

I snatched my grip off the beefcake and spun around.

“Ow, sonuvabitch!” I clutched my head when the abrupt movement slammed pain through my skull, and tried to focus my watering eyes on the source of the interruption.

Okay, that was weird. I was pretty sure I’d never had a fantasy that included a short, pissed-off paramedic.

The paramedic locked eyes with Beefcake. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” he repeated.

Beefcake shrugged. “I’m not doing anything. She jumped me.”

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This story earned 4.3 stars on Amazon. The writing and the voice of this opening are solid and you can anticipate a fairly well-written story. It avoids overwriting and info-dumping. However, it spends a lot of words on a supposed fantasy that turns out to be real—sort of. She is kissing a guy, and it’s inappropriate on his part. We’re missing the setting, however. We learn later that she’s injured and on her back on a sidewalk, in a puddle. That would have been good to know sooner rather than later. I’d cut down on the kissing and fondling to include this line:

“Can’t you see she’s injured? You could have at least helped her back out of the portal!”

I might be willing to wait learning what the portal is if the story is gripping. And then, right after that, we get the setting. Too late, I think. There’s also an ambulance. For this reader, the “fooling around” with the character’s imaginings are not interesting to me, but the fact that she’s injured is. I’d cut way down on the tonsil hockey and get to the trauma sooner. It’s hinted at, but hints do not a strong opening make. I might have been willing to give this one a single page turn, but I needed to understand better what was going on. Your thoughts?

Should this writer have hired an editor?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 158: Charyl Bradshaw—death by setup

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first page of a crime novel, Hush Now Baby. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

Serena Westwood peeled back the quilt atop her four-poster bed and climbed in, reeling the covers over her shivering body until she’d cocooned herself inside. It was early September, and already the frigid fall air crept through the valley, misting it like a damp sheet struggling in the wind.

After a long, noise-filled day, all was still. There was a time when Serena loved the quiet, basked in the gentle, serene calm, but not now. Now she had more than herself to consider. At thirty-nine years old, Serena had almost convinced herself the role of “mother” was meant for everyone but her. She’d spent many restless nights in the same bed she relaxed in now, trying to accept the reality that she, and her husband, Jack, would remain childless forever. And yet, here she was, the proud new mother of a sweet baby boy.

Before Finn was born, Jack and Serena had run the gamut, trying everything from artificial insemination to in-vitro fertilization. Nothing took. Her womb, desolate and barren, had rejected it all. When conceiving a baby themselves was out of the question, they turned to surrogacy. Three potential candidates were interviewed. All were rejected. Another round of women were selected. None seemed like the right fit.

On the way home from the market one wintery afternoon, an SUV struck a patch of ice on the road. The vehicle careened into the oncoming lane, sideswiping Serena’s Subaru in the (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll, an alternative opening, and another poll follow.

This story earned 4.5 stars on Amazon. The writing is fine, but what about the story? Simply put, we open with everything just fine, then start into backstory. No story questions have been raised, nothing is wrong nor does it look like it will be. Oh, I know, as readers we’re trained to believe that sooner or nater something will go wrong, but what’s to pull us through to that point in this story?

There’s another thing about spending all this time on the character—she’s the murder victim. She will no longer be a part of the story once she’s a body. Why spend this much narrative on her? Yes, we should care to some extent, but that can be done much more efficiently. In fact, the opening narrative does come along, but too late—another case of starting the story too soon. Here are 17 lines from later in the story. I think there’s plenty of immediate sympathy and connection with a mother caring for her baby, and tension is immediately raised.

Serena stirred the formula and water together and popped it into the microwave. She watched the hardened plastic revolve around and around on the circular glass tray like a carousel. For a moment, her eyes closed and she found sleep again until Finn’s desperate cries grew louder. She was used to the baby fussing, but he’d never been this agitated before.

“Almost there,” she called. “Mommy’s coming.”

Mommy.

She wasn’t used to the name. She wondered if she’d ever get used to it.

The microwave dinged. She removed the bottle and dipped her pinkie finger inside, ensuring the formula had heated just right. Perfect. She screwed the lid on and paused. The crying had stopped.

Had he fallen back to sleep?

All was quiet. Too quiet.

Tiptoeing to the other side of the house, she snuck up to the crib. A wave of panic gripped her. There was no baby.

A low, lucid chirp prompted Serena to whip around. She saw nothing at first, but there was something peculiar about the wall opposite her. A dark shadow in the shape of a person blackened its surface. Her eyes trailed the shadow to its source—the bedroom door. Was someone behind it?

“Who’s there?” Her voice trembled. No response.

How did this work for you as an opening?

Should this writer have hired an editor?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 157: Richard Turner—Overwriting, clog of description create big roadblock

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Crime novels have been so gruesome lately that I’m more inclined to explore science fiction and fantasy. Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first page of fantasy novel, Fallen Star. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

July 9th, 1947

Northwest of Roswell, New Mexico

Lieutenant Colonel Raymond Lloyd turned the wheel of his blue 1947 Chevrolet Aerosedan over in his callused hands and drove off the empty highway onto a dirt track. A brown-haired coyote running alongside the trail saw the car coming, and stopped to watch as it passed by. Lloyd rubbed the back of his neck with his right hand. The muscles were as tight as steel. He grimaced. If Lloyd didn’t get some good news, a full-blown tension headache was only minutes away. Lloyd looked out over the desolate landscape and wondered how everything had gotten out of hand so quickly. Since the end of the war things in his office had been relatively quiet, and that was just the way he liked it.

Colonel Lloyd was a career soldier who had served as a pilot in the U.S. Army Air Force in the skies over Europe. Under a pair of dark sunglasses, his weary brown eyes were bloodshot. Lloyd’s chestnut hair was almost all gone from the top of his head. His round face was well-tanned, from having been outside under the hot New Mexico sun for the past couple of days. Lloyd wasn’t wearing his usual army uniform. Instead, he wore a pair of brown slacks and a tan-colored shirt.

Just up ahead, he could see a farm. Lloyd slowed down and approached the front gate, (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This story earned 4.4 stars on Amazon. I started slowing down with the first sentence of the third paragraph because of too much inept description. For example, we’ve already been told that it’s 1947, so why include that the car is a 1947 Chevy? Or an Aerosedan? Do you think that matters to the story. Nope.

He turns the steering wheel “over.” How do you do that with a steering wheel unless it has been detached from the steering column? Oh, and his hands are calloused. Important, right? Nope. A coyote watches him drive by. Necessary element in the setting? Nope. He rubs his neck with his right hand—that it’s his right hand is vital to the story, right? Nope.

Moving on to the third paragraph, we’re treated to backstory, the fact that his brown eyes are weary and bloodshot, his hair is chestnut. He’s not bald or balding, his hair is almost gone from the top of his head. His face is round, a necessary clue, right? Nope. His face is well-tanned thanks to a couple of days in the sun. Who tans in two days? Nobody I know. His shirt is tan-colored, not tan. For me, this foreshadows a slog through too many words that do not involve the story. I pass. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 156: Andrew Butcher—ZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Crime novels have been so gruesome lately that I’m more inclined to explore science fiction and fantasy for a little escape from grim. Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first page of a fantasy novel, A Death Displaced. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

IT FELT SO real.

He walked towards his workplace in the lower grounds of Amiton town centre, his winklepickers tip-tapping on murky cobbles. The chill and dampness in the air left no doubt that it was early morning.

A red-headed girl spun circles near the fountain feature and fell into his path, causing him to sidestep. He apologised for the near collision. As he carried on his way, the girl scurried off to her mother, who was setting up a stall for business.

He smiled. Halloween decorations filled the shop windows: an array of ghouls, pumpkins, witches, and vampires. ‘Happy Halloween’ was found in orange, black, purple, and white, and in one gruesome display, a blood-red dripping font.

To one side, a lady was rearranging her window layout in preparation for opening. She caught his eyes and gave a friendly nod. He reciprocated, adding a wave.

The morning was as peaceful as a cat asleep.

Perched out the front of his workplace was a seagull, squatting as if waiting for the shop to open. No other birds flocked overhead.

There was nothing strange about seagulls in Amiton, of course, but this one appeared to be staring. Directly at him. The eeriness of it made his bones fidget. Stupid seagull.

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This story earned 3.7 stars on Amazon. The language is sound, but a couple of craft issues jumped out at me from the first word. The first word is a pronoun with no antecedent, “It.” That means we have no way of knowing what “It” refers to. Which renders it meaningless. Useless. What’s it doing here?

Speaking of meaningless, the second issue was the word “winklepickers.” What are those? The context doesn’t define it. It’s not until page 11 that we learn that they are black shoes. On the first page, without a definition, it means nothing. Having seen two meaningless words on the first page makes me wonder if there’s more of the same ahead.

As for tension, for story questions, the writer tries to gin up some tension by having a look from a bird make his bones fidget, whatever that is. Otherwise, all is swell in the scene. While I understand that it’s an attempt to set the scene and give us the world as it is, it lacks any tension. Worse, it turns out a page or so later that this is a vision or a dream. I think it relates to what happens down the road due to reading the blurb, but, as a reader, I would feel cheated. No go on this one for me. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.