Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
- It begins to engage the reader with the character
- Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
- The character desires something.
- The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first page of Chopped. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?
DIANA FORCED HER eyes open. She glanced outside. It was still dark. The bright green numbers on her alarm clock said four o’clock. AM. Why was she awake? She had had only two hours sleep.
She concentrated for a moment. No strange noises were coming from her apartment. No one had broken in. She sighed. Whatever had awakened her, she didn’t rightly care. She turned over, burrowed deeper into her covers, and sighed. It was time to get back to sleep. A moment later, peppy, upbeat tones sprinkled their way loudly across the silence of her bedroom. Diana’s eyes snapped open. Again.
She turned over with a grunt and glared at her cellphone. She considered her options. Throw it across the room and smash it to pieces? Or answer and explain a few facts of life to whomever was calling at this ridiculous hour?
Choosing option two on the basis that it would be less expensive in the long run, she picked up her phone and looked at the caller ID. Hopkinson. “What?” she barked.
“Aren’t you cheerful?” Peter’s sunny voice rang in her ear.
“Do you know what time it is?” She was in no mood for Peter’s quips. Her soft pillows called out, tempting her to rest her head in that lovely softness and let the warm cocoon of sleep take her back to Neverland. And Peter bloody Pan here just had to ruin it
You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.
This novel earned a very strong 4.8 stars on Amazon. It always interests me when a book has such a strong showing in the ratings. What did they do to deserve high marks? Do they, like this one, open with one of the hoariest clichés of crime fiction, waking a character with a phone call from a cop at a very early morning hour? Give me a break; why did we need to wake her up early? I skimmed enough after the first page to know that it has NO bearing on the story. Strike one: cliché.
Once we have the character awake, surely a story question will pop right up. This is, after all, a mystery, and mysteries are built upon story questions. The reader who starts with this page is headed for disappointment. The only possible question is what is the man calling about—we don’t even know he’s a cop at this point. A compelling story question? Nope. A compelling opening? Not for this reader. This is the fourth book in a series, so I suspect all the high ratings come from readers who have read this author before and liked what she does. But, for a first-time reader, this didn’t cut it. Your thoughts?
My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles
Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Hiding Magic
Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.