Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
- It begins to engage the reader with the character
- Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
- The character desires something.
- The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first page of a mystery titled Greed. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?
McKinley listened to the background noise of the laser printers whirring in that large rented warehouse. His ears perked at the clack of footsteps growing closer to his office. He looked up and waited. Moments later, a heavy rap sounded on the steel door.
“Who’s there?”
“It’s Joe.”
“Come in.” McKinley sat behind his imported teak desk with paperwork spread out in front of him. As the door pushed inward, he slipped off his reading glasses and set them down. “What is it?”
“We have a problem.”
McKinley raised a brow. “Rephrase that, please. I know with one hundred percent certainty that I don’t have a problem unless you are about to cause one.”
“I wasn’t expecting my cousin to stop over. He caught me completely off guard as I was putting the bleached bills in boxes.”
“Get to the point.”
“He saw it, all of it, and put two and two together. He wants in, or he said he’d squeal us out.”
McKinley sneered, “Who is this piss ant that’s threatening my enterprise?”
You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.
It’s not often that I come across such a clear example of why indie authors should invest in an editor. Rather than comment, I’ll just give you some editorial notes. See what you think.
McKinley listened to the background noise of the laser printers whirring in that large rented warehouse. His ears perked at the clack of footsteps growing closer to his office. He looked up and waited. Moments later, a heavy rap sounded on the steel door. Why was he listening to background noise? Seems like a useless thing to do. Why "that" warehouse? Here's a body-part filter; he would perk up, not his ears--unless he's a dog. I don't think footsteps would "grow" closer, they would come closer. The looking up and waiting is more overwriting, not needed, slows pace.
“Who’s there?”
“It’s Joe.”
“Come in.” McKinley sat behind his imported teak desk with paperwork spread out in front of him. As the door pushed inward, he slipped off his reading glasses and set them down. “What is it?” "Imported teak desk" is overwriting. Unless the fact that he wears reading glasses figures in the story, this is more extraneous detail--overwriting. I'll be that it doesn't.
“We have a problem.”
McKinley raised a brow. “Rephrase that, please. I know with one hundred percent certainty that I don’t have a problem unless you are about to cause one.”
“I wasn’t expecting my cousin to stop over. He caught me completely off guard as I was putting the bleached bills in boxes.”
“Get to the point.” I couldn't agree more--this narrative needs to get to the point.
“He saw it, all of it, and put two and two together. He wants in, or he said he’d squeal us out.”
McKinley sneered, “Who is this piss ant that’s threatening my enterprise?” It's one word: pissant. It's his enterprise that's threatened, not him?
If you were to read on, in the very next paragraph the scene head-hops.
“Like I said, he’s my cousin. His name is Charlie Dupree.” Joe wiped his brow. Anxiety was taking over his thoughts and every inch of his body. He was living his worst nightmare—being on the wrong side of McKinley Moore. Needless repetition of the cousin fact. And so we hop from the inside of McKinley's head to Joe's. Where will the next hop take us?
What do you think?
My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles
Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Hiding Magic
Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.