Flogging the Quill

Flog a BookBubber 152: C.M. Sutter—problematic overwriting & head-hopping

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first page of a mystery titled Greed. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

McKinley listened to the background noise of the laser printers whirring in that large rented warehouse. His ears perked at the clack of footsteps growing closer to his office. He looked up and waited. Moments later, a heavy rap sounded on the steel door.

“Who’s there?”

“It’s Joe.”

“Come in.” McKinley sat behind his imported teak desk with paperwork spread out in front of him. As the door pushed inward, he slipped off his reading glasses and set them down. “What is it?”

“We have a problem.”

McKinley raised a brow. “Rephrase that, please. I know with one hundred percent certainty that I don’t have a problem unless you are about to cause one.”

“I wasn’t expecting my cousin to stop over. He caught me completely off guard as I was putting the bleached bills in boxes.”

“Get to the point.”

“He saw it, all of it, and put two and two together. He wants in, or he said he’d squeal us out.”

McKinley sneered, “Who is this piss ant that’s threatening my enterprise?”

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

It’s not often that I come across such a clear example of why indie authors should invest in an editor. Rather than comment, I’ll just give you some editorial notes. See what you think.

McKinley listened to the background noise of the laser printers whirring in that large rented warehouse. His ears perked at the clack of footsteps growing closer to his office. He looked up and waited. Moments later, a heavy rap sounded on the steel door. Why was he listening to background noise? Seems like a useless thing to do. Why "that" warehouse? Here's a body-part filter; he would perk up, not his ears--unless he's a dog. I don't think footsteps would "grow" closer, they would come closer. The looking up and waiting is more overwriting, not needed, slows pace.

“Who’s there?”

“It’s Joe.”

“Come in.” McKinley sat behind his imported teak desk with paperwork spread out in front of him. As the door pushed inward, he slipped off his reading glasses and set them down. “What is it?” "Imported teak desk" is overwriting. Unless the fact that he wears reading glasses figures in the story, this is more extraneous detail--overwriting. I'll be that it doesn't.

“We have a problem.”

McKinley raised a brow. “Rephrase that, please. I know with one hundred percent certainty that I don’t have a problem unless you are about to cause one.”

“I wasn’t expecting my cousin to stop over. He caught me completely off guard as I was putting the bleached bills in boxes.”

“Get to the point.” I couldn't agree more--this narrative needs to get to the point.

“He saw it, all of it, and put two and two together. He wants in, or he said he’d squeal us out.”

McKinley sneered, “Who is this piss ant that’s threatening my enterprise?” It's one word: pissant. It's his enterprise that's threatened, not him?

If you were to read on, in the very next paragraph the scene head-hops.

“Like I said, he’s my cousin. His name is Charlie Dupree.” Joe wiped his brow. Anxiety was taking over his thoughts and every inch of his body. He was living his worst nightmare—being on the wrong side of McKinley Moore. Needless repetition of the cousin fact.  And so we hop from the inside of McKinley's head to Joe's. Where will the next hop take us?

What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1059 for Karen—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Karen sends the first chapter of Blueness. The first 17 lines follow, and the rest of the chapter is after the break.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” I looked around puzzled at my small dark cabin on this old clipper ship. This was my new ‘home away from home’ for up to three months.

I raised my lantern to illuminate the room in a golden haze. The travel agent lacked a cruise brochure, so that was my first look and discouraging. I frowned at the holes already forming in my bucket-list voyage from Denmark to Hong Kong.

“Are you sure this is my cabin?” I switched to Danish so Uffe Petersen, my young cabin attendant and porter, would understand. He carried another gas lamp to show me around.

Uffe said, “Yes, M-M-Madam Jensen.”

I hoped his stutter would disappear once he got to know me. I stomped my feet on the wooden floor to warm my legs after being outside on the deck. My mandatory re-enactment costume, an 1860-style long dress with a hoop skirt, needed more layers. My sweater coat was too thin for Northern Europe in November. But warmer weather would arrive in a few weeks when we headed south.

My hand fumbled along the wall next to the door for the light switch. I grasped something unusual. Upon closer inspection with my lantern, it was a small metal contraption.

Uffe latched his lantern into the metal bracket I had found. Once secure on the wall with a click, he reached for my lantern. I gave it to him and hoped this didn’t mean what I feared.

This opening introduces us to a possibly likeable character and an interesting situation, that of being aboard a clipper ship and dressed in re-enactment clothing. That raises a mild story question: what’s she doing here? But is that compelling? The narrative, while in an immediate scene, is still devoted to setup and the character’s discovery of her environment.

That could be effective if something that seriously impacted the character went wrong or is clearly about to go wrong. But I don’t see that here. The focus of the action, thus far, is on seeing the interior of a cabin using lantern light. BTW, as you’ll see in my editorial notes below, a gas lamp would likely not have been used here—a research glitch.

The writing gets the job done, but there are small issues, and it could be tighter. I don’t think this scene is the place to start this story because of the lack of tension. The character’s biggest issue in this chapter is lack of a proper bathroom and a shower. For me, less than compelling. Have her deal with something that causes real trouble for her, not inconvenience.

I like the character and the situation, so keep at it, just look for something with at least a little drama to begin the story.

Here are some editorial notes:

"You’ve got to be kidding me.” I looked around puzzled at my small dark cabin on this old clipper ship. This was my new ‘home away from home’ for up to three months.

I raised my lantern to illuminate the room in a golden haze. The travel agent had lacked a cruise brochure, so that this was my first look, and it was discouraging. I frowned at the holes already forming in my bucket-list voyage from Denmark to Hong Kong.

“Are you sure this is my cabin?” I switched to Danish so Uffe Petersen, my young cabin attendant and porter, would understand. He carried another gas lamp to show me around. I think this should be a kerosene lamp. Gas was used to light houses at that time, but that was through pipes that fueled ceiling or wall-mounted fixtures. A lamp on a ship would have been whale oil or kerosene.

Uffe said, “Yes, M-M-Madam Jensen.”

I hoped his stutter would disappear once he got to know me. I stomped my feet on the wooden floor to warm my legs after being outside on the deck. My mandatory re-enactment costume, an 1860-style long dress with a hoop skirt, needed more layers. My sweater coat was too thin for Northern Europe in November. But warmer weather would arrive in a few weeks when we headed south.

My hand I fumbled along the wall next to the door for the light switch. Instead of a switch, I grasped something unusual. Upon closer inspection with my lantern, it was a small metal bracket contraption. “My hand” is a body-part filter and distances the reader from the character’s experience. It's best if characters do things, not their body parts. I also felt this could be condensed.

Uffe latched his lantern into the metal bracket I had found. Once secure secured on the wall with a click, he reached for my lantern. I gave it to him and hoped this didn’t mean what I feared. 

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2018 Ray Rhamey, prologue and chapter © 2018 by Karen.

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My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 152: David Berens—no connective tissue

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here’s the opening page of Rogue Wave. Would you read on? How does it perform? Should this author have hired an editor?

Rick Hairre had not known before today that the barrel of a gun tasted like pennies. Or maybe the taste was the coppery tang of his own blood pooling in the crevices of his ever-swelling mouth. He also had not known the butt of a gun felt so heavy and cold when used as a hammer on one’s head. He guessed he would probably lose most of the teeth he’d spent so much money on veneering prior to the last election cycle, and wondered if he’d ever get a chance to see his dentist again… an odd longing… to see the dentist.

As the current Vice-Chairman of the 2012 Murrell’s Inlet’s Board of Directors, he counted his acquisition of funding in excess of seven million dollars for the Tourism Conservation & Wetland Education Project as his crowning achievement. It was a private deal, with several under-the-table understandings. All parties to the deal would remain anonymous, and a small fee of a half million dollars would be deposited directly into another account of his choosing for managing the deal with… discretion.

But beyond his selfish interests, the money would provide the local community with informational pamphlets, catchy bumper stickers, kids coloring books, and rental home refrigerator magnets discussing and educating tourists about the delicate ecosystem at work in his precious inlet home.

Counting the zeroes on the check helped him stomach the fact the money had come from (snip)

You can read more and turn the page here.

This novel earned 4.1 stars on Amazon. The writing is just fine, technically speaking. The opening paragraph provokes good story questions—what’s going on, will this guy survive? Exposition follows, and a certain amount is needed to introduce why this is going on. But . . .

Do we need as much as is there? And what’s with the italicized words? I didn’t understand the emphasis. But, for this reader, there was a more fatal flaw. The narrative begins with and stays in a rational, unemotional, unconcerned mode despite the character’s dire circumstances. I felt no connection with this man, and thus didn’t care what happened to him. Which, of course, stymied a page-turn.

At the very end of the chapter the missing “caring” ingredient appeared with this:

He wanted to cry out, take my wallet, take my ‘56 Dodge Royal convertible… take anything you want… take the check, for God’s sake, just let me live to tell my sweet girl I still love her! But his wrecked jaw could only mumble and spew blood.

His thoughts of his loved one were touching and a powerful connector—but, for me, came far too late. If the author had introduced this up front instead of spending time on the taste of a gun barrel and the details of his shady activities, I’d have gone along for the ride. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy</strong >(satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery</strong >(coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction GundownFree ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 151: P.F. Ford

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first page of the prologue for a mystery series titled Slater and Norman Mystery Novels: Box Set One . A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

In the dark gloom of the early hours, with lights extinguished, the estate car reversed slowly off the main road into a narrow side-street and then continued to creep on down to the riverside, where it finally stopped at the top of an old, disused, slipway.

A man, dressed from head to toe in black, emerged from the car and made his way stealthily to the back. There was a loud, metallic, pop as the hatch opened, followed by a hiss as it glided upwards. Shocked by the apparent loudness of the noise, he froze and held his breath.

After what seemed an eternity, he began to relax. It seemed no one had heard the noise, so he began the business of removing what appeared to be a roll of carpet from the back of the car. It was roughly six feet long and was bound with string around the middle and over each end.

Somehow it seemed to have grown heavier on the journey and it was much harder to get it out of the car than it had been to put it in. In no time, he was sweating profusely from his efforts.

He eventually gave up trying to carry the carpet and settled for dragging it from the car and down the slipway. In the darkness, he didn’t notice the string was being loosened as it caught and snagged on the rough concrete. Finally, he reached the river’s edge and there was a faint splash as he dropped the end he was holding into the water. Then he stepped back to the other end, dropped to his knees, and (snip)

Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This collection received an uncommon 5 stars out of 5 on Amazon. It seemed worth checking out a bargain of four novels for the price of none. The prologue gives us the openings of a crime scene, and that’s okay. There are the usual mystery story questions: who, what, etc.

But a craft issue caught my eye—the narrative seems to be more omniscient in flavor, but we are invited into the character’s mind with his feelings and sensations, which amounts to close third person POC. If that’s the case, the fact that he didn’t notice the string loosening shouldn’t be in the narrative. If the character doesn’t see it, it doesn’t exist.

I think it’s not powerful, but a mystery fan might read on.  What do you think?

You can turn the page and read more here.

Poll: what are your thoughts about this author needing an editor?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 150: Gordon Bonnet—story over writing craft?

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here’s the opening page of Lock & Key. Would you read on? How does it perform? Should this author have hired an editor?

DARREN AULT WOKE in pitch darkness, which was odd, because he was fairly certain he was dead.

He brought his hands to his face, tentatively, and felt for gunshot wounds. Finding none, he sat up, blinking, and began to move his hands around. This was done with considerable trepidation. He was understandably curious about his surroundings, but at the same time, the problem with darkness is that anything could be in it with you, and you’d never know until it was too late. As far as he knew, he could be sitting in a tiger’s lair, the cat’s dark-adapted eyes already sizing him up and deciding which parts of him would be the tenderest. He could be in a basement, at the mercy of the gangs his mother had repeatedly warned him about during his childhood in the Capitol Hill area of Seattle. Worse still, his high school chum Lee McCaskill could still be there, somewhere, with the neat little pistol aimed at his forehead, like it had been minutes ago. Only this time, Lee would be wearing night-vision goggles, so he could see him in the dark.

Or maybe all three at the same time. Just because those were unlikely scenarios didn’t mean they were mutually exclusive.

But whatever horrors might await him in the dark, he couldn’t sit where he was forever. For one thing, the floor felt like tile, and was hard, uncomfortable, and cold. And for another, he (snip)

You can read more and turn the page here.

This novel earned a good 4.6 stars on Amazon. From a writing craft point of view, this opening page needs editing right from the start. Here’s an opportunity to immerse the reader into a clearly traumatic and danger-fraught scene, and we get sentences such as:

This was done with considerable trepidation.

Really? Considerable trepidation? When you’re waking up in the dark after being shot in the head? And then there’s the string of odd alternatives for his situation that include tigers. Really? This is what’s going on in the character’s mind after being shot in the head? More than that, all this considerably irrelevant exposition keeps the following from being on the first page:

. . . however impossible it seemed, he had evidently survived a shot to the head not only without dying, but without injury. He had felt the bullet strike his forehead . . .

And yet . . . the opening sentence is a strong hook that raises a strong story question. The question is reinforced with the information buried in the text about the high-school chum aiming a pistol at his forehead. That was enough to get me to turn the page to see the segment above. But the writing had better improve rapidly or I’m outta there. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy</strong >(satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery</strong >(coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction GundownFree ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 149: Nick Thacker—writing craft warning signs

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here’s the opening page of The Depths. Would you read on? How does it perform? Should this author have hired an editor?

“Hello?" Jen answered the phone in an agitated, yet confused tone. Who was calling at this hour? It was past ten o'clock on a Wednesday night, and Jen normally would have been pouring herself a glass of red wine before bed.

No response.

Again, she spoke into the cellphone. Louder and more direct this time. "Hello?" She heard shuffling on the other end; fumbling. Then a breathy sound.

It sounded like breathing, but no words were spoken. She frowned, taking her phone from her ear and pressing "End." The number flashed once—an unknown caller—and then was replaced by the home screen.

Weird, she thought. It must have been a wrong number or an accidental dial. Her son, twelve-year-old Reese, would have called it a "butt dial" or something like that. She laughed to herself, placing the phone back into her coat pocket.

A gust of brisk February air forced Jen to walk faster. Her car was on the other end of the commuter lot, a five-minute walk from the campus. After tonight's lecture, she'd stayed late answering questions and grading some papers before leaving the darkened halls of the Massachusetts Maritime Academy.

Mark Adams, her husband, hadn't called, meaning everything with Reese was (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here.

This novel earned a 3.8 stars on Amazon. Two things impact my votes on turning the page. The first, and most important, is tension created in me by a compelling story question. Even so, the quality of the writing is the second important thing to consider. In fact, really high-caliber writing and voice can provoke a page turn even if the story question isn’t that strong.

This opening offers a mild level of tension with a creepy phone call, but not much more. Things are all right, and the character expects them to be all right, there are no warning signs other than the strange call. But then the writing starts to get in my way, right from the start.

The first sentence is omniscient, distant from the character, with her answering the phone in “an agitated, yet confused tone” (there should be no comma before “yet”). Why not show us what an agitated tone is--I, for one, don’t know what that sounds like, nor do I know what a “confused” tone sounds like. Narrative such as “Mark Adams, her husband,” is clunky to my ear. There’s no reason to mention his last name here, and certainly a smoother way to work his name in.

Other instances: “She laughed to herself”—the “to herself” is not needed—she just laughed. There’s unnecessary description such as her placing the phone back into her coat pocket. Just not needed, the reader will figure she put it away somewhere. Bottom line, the low tension level and writing craft issues stopped this reader. Oh, she discovers a horrific murder in just a page or so, but far too late to hook this reader. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy</strong >(satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery</strong >(coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction GundownFree ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 148: Karen Ann Hopkins—the perils of prologues & lack of editing

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here’s the opening page of Paper Roses. Would you read on? How does it perform? Should this author have hired an editor?

Maryanna King lifted her face to the warm breeze and sighed. What a lovely day for a wedding. Rather than thinking about her cousin, Amy, who’d just spoken her marriage vows in front of the entire community, the dreamy girl was imagining what her own wedding would be like someday and hoping the weather would be as pleasing. She plucked a dandelion from the grass, stretching her legs in front of her. Her dress was the same light shade of blue as the spring sky overhead, and it barely covered her ankles when she sat that way. She glanced around to see if anyone was watching her.

People were still filing out of the barn after the three-hour service, heading in a steady stream toward the house where supper would held. Small clusters of darkly clad men dotted the expansive yard while the women gossiped together in groups. Since Amy hadn’t asked her to be a server, Maryanna was free to sit back and relax. At first, she’d been a bit disgruntled at being left out, but her mama had reasoned that it was better to have the day to herself than to be sweating in the kitchen alongside the other girls. And as Maryanna leaned against the side of the buggy shed, smelling the roasting chicken wafting on the wind and spying on everyone, she agreed. She was only fourteen, and with the number of sisters and cousins she had, there’d be many weddings in the future that she’d be called upon to serve. When she was satisfied no one was paying her any mind, she clicked her feet together and grinned. Of course, before she’d ever (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. This novel earned a stong 4.7 stars on Amazon. I wonder why. To begin with, I found the omniscient POV offputting—“the dreamy girl” is one example. This distances me from the character in ways that simply aren’t necessary. Why do that?

And then there’s the word missing from a sentence in the second paragraph: “supper would held” is missing a “be.” How hard is this to spot on your very first page? This, by the way, is a good reason to read your work out loud.

Finally, there’s the story question—none. The dreamy girl is just fine, sitting in the sun, relaxing. Nothing in the narrative provokes a “what happens next?” story question. There is simply no reason to turn the page.

The blurb in the BookBub email was inviting:

When the corpse of an Amish woman is unearthed in an archaeological dig at Blood Rock, sheriff Serenity Adams joins forces with the local community to track down a killer.

I don’t see the vaguest hint of that story in this prologue. And, even if it was there, the leisurely exposition in the prologue doesn’t promise a riveting narrative. I’ll pass. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy</strong >(satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery</strong >(coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction GundownFree ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 147: Jennifer Wells

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Here’s the opening page of a sci fi novel, Fluency. Would you read on? How does it perform? Should this author have hired an editor?

Jane strained against the harness as the capsule shuddered around her, craning her neck for a better view of the ship that they were hurtling toward. The Target.

“It’s massive,” Tom Compton, the pilot, whispered.

Every crew member’s eyes converged on the screen that displayed their destination, enlarging rapidly before their eyes. She was stuck in the tier of seats below the cockpit, though, her view fragmented by the footrests of the four people on the level above. At this stage in the journey, she was the least important person aboard.

Jane could hear Compton and Mark Walsh, the commander, flicking oversized switches, tapping consoles, communicating in terse bursts of NASA jargon.

“I’ll be damned… they just turned on the porch light for us, boys!” Walsh crowed. “Open up a channel to Houston,” he ordered.

“What?” Alan Bergen demanded from beside Jane. Then he muttered, “Son of a bitch.”

Jane twisted, heedless of the straps digging into her flesh. She knew what the Target looked like. How could she not? It was the backdrop for every lecture in Houston. The blown-up pictures that Hubble and various Mars mission probes had taken of the city-sized ship over the last sixty-plus years papered the walls of many of the non-public rooms at Johnson Space Center in Houston. Seeing it now, though… well, no photograph could have prepared her for it. It (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This novel earned 4.2 stars on Amazon. The writing is good—I wonder about details such as “oversized” switches—and it feels like good, old-fashioned hard science fiction. Exploring abandoned alien space ships has been done before, of course, but that just creates a base for a fresh treatment. With the capsule zooming in to the giant alien ship and then the lights coming on unexpectedly, there’s a strong what-happens-next story question, and extreme jeopardy is clearly one option for the narrative going ahead. I turned the page. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy</strong >(satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery</strong >(coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction GundownFree ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 146: Rick Mofina

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here’s the opening page of Miss Mabel’s School for Girls. Would you read on? How does it perform? Should this author have hired an editor?

Danny saw the girl again.

As the subway train eased out of the Coliseum station, he looked up, captivated by her frozen smile, her vacant stare, and the fact that she never spoke.

Never.

She was dead. Her throat had been cut and her body stuffed into a plastic garbage bag hidden in Golden Gate Park.

She was two years old and her name was Tanita Marie Donner. Two eleven-year-old girls from Lincoln Junior High found her during a science class field trip.

“She looked like a little naked doll,” Natalie Jackson, one of the girls, told a San Francisco TV station.

That was a year ago. The nightmares were now less frequent for the schoolgirls. For most San Franciscans, Tanita’s murder was fading from memory, although her face still stared from bus shelters, store windows, and bumper stickers, an image as familiar to the Bay Area as the Golden Gate or the Transamerica Pyramid. For a time, it embodied San Francisco’s anguish. A blurred, grainy blow-up of a color snapshot, Tanita timidly showing her tiny milk-white teeth as Mommy coaxed a smile. Two pink butterfly barrettes held back her brown hair. She was wearing a cotton dress with lace trim, and crushing her white teddy bear to her chest. Her dark eyes (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This novel earned 4.5 stars on Amazon. The writing is professional, the voice just fine though not especially vivid. I had to step past the subject matter, though—harm to children is tough to read about. Still, from a storytelling perspective, the initial story question in this mystery is strong. What happened to the little girl?

There is a POV glitch, though, in my opinion. We start out in Danny’s point of view and then get into details of the little girl’s murder. It turns out that Danny is three years old, and he could not have known all the details nor thought about them in such an adult way. So the author intruded to do an info dump. But it’s necessary information to set up what’s to come, and well written, so I’m willing to let that pass. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy</strong >(satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery</strong >(coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction GundownFree ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 145: KatieCross

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here’s the opening page of Miss Mabel’s School for Girls. Would you read on? How does it perform? Should this author have hired an editor?

I stared at the lavender flowers on the white china and willed my heart to stop pounding. Papa’s advice whispered through my head like the balm of a cool poultice, settling my nerves.

Don’t be afraid, Bianca. The old woman will perceive your personality no matter what you do or say. You can’t hide information from a Watcher. Let her remain in control of the conversation and things will be easier.

“You said that your family is from Bickers Mill?” The old woman, Isadora, startled me from my thoughts with her question. “That’s not very far from here.”

“Yes,” I said, turning around to face her. “I grew up in a cottage outside the village.”

Don’t think about how important this is.

That wouldn’t be too difficult. She only determined the rest of my life.

Isadora smiled in a distant way, as if she were lost in thought and only keeping up with the conversation to be kind. She was a stringy old woman, with a curved back and foggy, pistachio-colored eyes, although one of them looked more blue than green.

“Your grandmother is sick, isn’t she?”

My throat tightened. “Yes,” I said, swallowing past it. She studied me while I continued. “The apothecary said she may not have much longer to live.”

“Well, I’m glad you were able to come here today so that I did not have to come to you.

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This novel earned a good 4.5 stars on Amazon. The blurb let me know that it’s about witchcraft, which I’m interested in. It’s a YA novel, but Hunger Games proved that’s no barrier to a strong story. But what about tension? There is tension in the character, and hints that this meeting is important in determining the rest of the protagonist’s life. But what of it? What are the stakes here? Can she be harmed, or merely disappointed?

It turns out that there’s a curse on the girl that only going to the school can possibly remove. But there’s no hint of that here. I think the peril needs to be brought forward. For example, this whole chapter is about getting her into the school, but she doesn’t have to do much but be truthful to succeed. Far better would have been to open with her at the school and encountering trouble. Pass. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy</strong >(satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery</strong >(coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction GundownFree ebooks.