Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
- It begins to engage the reader with the character
- Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
- The character desires something.
- The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Bill sends the opening chapter of A Patriot’s Campaign. The first 17 lines follow, then a poll. The rest of the narrative after the break.
9:37. The big Howard Miller wall clock above her cubicle seemed like it hadn’t moved in an hour. Deputy Andi Pelton, bored out of her mind, called home. Ed would still be up. Just as he answered, she yawned. Stifled it.
“Hey, kid,” Ed answered. “How’s the shift?”
“Shoot me. I’ve never been so bored. If this was Chicago, we’d have four, five drive-bys by now, a couple rapes, runaway kids. Here, everybody must be in bed.” She glanced up at the clock: still 9:37. She shook her head.
“I miss you on these evening shifts.”
“Me too. Look—we need to talk about making our marriage public.”
“Tomorrow, maybe. On the way to Missoula? Grace’ll be in her car, so we’ll have plenty of alone time.”
“It’s a plan. Let’s—”
Suddenly, the receptionist’s voice cut in. “Andi, 9-1-1 call. Shots fired.”
“Oh man, I gotta go. Shots fired.”
She heard Ed yell, “Be safe!” as she hit End and rushed out to Reception. She passed Marla without slowing. “How many shots?”
“Two. Caller said it sounded like a handgun.”
Except for a goof in the first sentence, the writing is good, so is the voice. In the first sentence we learn that a wall clock hasn’t moved. Well, it seems unlikely that it will ever move, it's hanging on a wall. And there’s a little bit of telling in that first paragraph, too—see my notes below. Other than that, for me there’s a viable story question raised and I wanted to know what happens next. And a sympathetic character has been introduced. Also, since she’s going to a place where someone is firing shots, there’s possible jeopardy ahead. I turned the page. You? Notes on that first paragraph:
9:37. The hands on the big Howard Miller wall clock above her cubicle seemed like they it hadn’t moved in an hour. Deputy Andi Pelton yawned and then, bored out of her mind, called home. Ed would still be up. Just as he answered, she yawned again. Stifled it. Don’t tell us she’s bored, show us. And she says she’s bored later, so that will be repetitious if this stays as it is.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ. Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
- Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
- And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.
Flogging the Quill © 2018 Ray Rhamey, prologue and chapter © 2018 by BIll.
My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles
Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Hiding Magic
Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.
Continued:
Andi kept moving toward the parking lot door. Over her shoulder, she yelled, “Where?”
Marla called after her, “Two oh six East Cedar Street. The call came from the house next door.”
“Radio Xavier. Tell him to meet me there and . . .” She shivered. “And to wear a vest.”
She ran out to the lot. Just before flicking on her siren and lights, she heard Xav’s siren fire up north of town. Good. He’s close, she thought. She shrugged the vest on as she drove. Three minutes after the call, she swerved around the corner onto East Cedar Street, Xavier’s siren close behind.
Shots fired, she thought. “Be careful what you wish for,” she whispered. The dashboard clock read 9:41.