Flogging the Quill

Flogometer 1058 for Tony—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Tony sends the first chapter of Obscurity Hides a Killer. The first 17 lines follow, and the rest of the chapter is after the break.

It was an urge which Billy Capello tried to resist, but its tugging was too great. One by one, he gnawed each fingernail, nipping small sections off then spitting them away. How long could his nervous habit satisfy him? He needed to satisfy his craving soon but doing so would be terribly risky. If he wasn’t careful it could end up being life threatening.

He dragged his skinny frame toward the soot-encrusted window of the filthy abandoned apartment he had happened to find tonight. Outside, the rain had passed, leaving the streets barren and looking somewhat dry, just a few puddles spread about, but he’d made that same mistake in the past. Looks could be deceiving, and he couldn’t afford to be deceived. He knew he couldn’t stay cooped up in here forever—not with these cravings struggling inside his body.

He ambled back toward the sagging couch with the thought of sitting down and willing his cravings away, but he knew it was no use. He had to get out. Maybe he would be lucky this time and wouldn’t be seen. Hell, he'd found this empty apartment tonight by dumb luck and hadn't been spotted. Maybe there was a little more luck left around, just for him.

It would be a quick trip—just a couple of blocks down the street to the neighborhood smoke shop. He’d scoped the streets for hours already. Movement? What movement? There were barely any cars parked on the road and he’d only seen two or three drive by in the last two hours. This could be his chance to go before someone or something unknown moved. His hand (snip)

Right off the bat (cliché alert), this narrative’s first word is one of my pet peeves—a pronoun with no preceding antecedent, which means I don’t have a clue what is being written about. And the paragraph continues to withhold that information. Why? It serves no story purpose to keep the reader unaware of what the scene is about. The mysterious “it” is referred to later as “these cravings,” which is also fundamentally meaningless as we don’t know what is craved.

There’s a lot of musing and backstory and setup here, but, for this reader, little in the way of compelling story questions. By the end of the page I think I know what the craving is all about, but the only remaining story question is whether or not he’s going to get to smoke a cigarette. While the character is worried about something, that something is not included in the narrative, so the reader can hardly be expected to engage with nothing more than a desire to smoke. I would dispense with all the musing and concern and get him moving and facing a real danger that he has to deal with.

Here are some editorial notes:

It was an urge which that Billy Capello tried to resist, but its tugging was too great. One by one, he gnawed each fingernail, nipping small sections off then spitting them away. How long could his nervous habit satisfy him? He needed to satisfy his craving soon but doing so would be terribly risky. If he wasn’t careful it could end up being life threatening. What is “it?” This is one of those annoying information questions that try to create suspense but fall flat because the reader doesn’t know what the narrative is about. Here the “it” could be chewing his fingernails, which hardly sounds fatal.

He dragged his skinny frame toward the soot-encrusted window of the filthy abandoned apartment he had happened to find tonight. Outside, the rain had passed, leaving the streets barren and looking somewhat dry, just a few puddles spread about, but he’d made that same mistake in the past. Looks could be deceiving, and he couldn’t afford to be deceived. He knew he couldn’t stay cooped up in here forever—not with these cravings struggling inside his body. “skinny frame” is a break in POV. This is from the author’s point of view—Billy would not be thinking of his skinny frame at a time like this. What cravings? The “it” that we don’t know what is? Reality is created by specificity, interest is created by understanding what is going on.

He ambled back toward the sagging couch with the thought of sitting down and willing his cravings away, but he knew it was no use. He had to get out. Maybe he would be lucky this time and wouldn’t be seen. Hell, he'd found this empty apartment tonight by dumb luck and hadn't been spotted. Maybe there was a little more luck left around, just for him.

It would be a quick trip—just a couple of blocks down the street to the neighborhood smoke shop. He’d scoped the streets for hours already. Movement? What movement? There were barely any cars parked on the road and he’d only seen two or three drive by in the last two hours. This could be his chance to go before someone or something unknown moved. His hand (snip) Aha! Is it cigarettes he wants? This seems clear here, but later it turns out that gambling is also a problem for him. Which is it? Lack of clarity pulls a reader out of a story. And we have no idea about what he is afraid of. There’s no clue as to what makes a trip to a store dangerous for this guy. If there’s no understanding of either the peril or the stakes, how can a reader become involved?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2018 Ray Rhamey, prologue and chapter © 2018 by Tony.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 142: Rickie Blair

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

I almost passed on this due to the cartoony cover, not a typical mystery look—but this is a “cozy,” so that may account for it. Here’s the opening page of From Garden to Grave (The Leafy Hollow Mystery Series Book 1. Would you read on? How does it perform? Should this author have hired an editor?

I almost didn’t answer the call that changed my life. Telemarketer, I thought, burying my head in the pillow with a groan. But in my family, a phone ringing in the middle of the night always signaled disaster. So I was genetically wired to jab that loudspeaker icon and croak, “Hello?”

“There’s been an accident. Your aunt is missing.”

“Who?”

“Your aunt,” said a man’s voice.

“Are you sure you have the right number?” I reached for my robe and slipped in an arm. After flailing about, I realized I’d grabbed a pair of jeans. Forget the robe. It wasn’t as if anybody was in my bedroom to ogle. I dropped the jeans back on the floor.

“Are you Verity Hawkes, Adeline Hawkes’ niece?”

I groaned again, inwardly this time. I hadn’t spoken to my estranged—and slightly deranged—aunt in years.

“That’s me.” I sat on the edge of the bed, rubbing my eyes, as the caller droned on. Given Aunt Adeline’s talent for getting into, and out of, sticky situations, I decided not to panic for now.

“Who are you?” I asked.

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This earned an 4.6 stars on Amazon. I found the voice immediately engaging, and I empathized with the disorientation waking to a phone call can bring, so I was connected with the character. The part about trying to put on the jeans promises humor (fun) ahead, and I’m frequently in the mood for a lighter story. Serial killers are way overdone these days.

The writing is strong and clean, as well. As for story questions, the opening foreshadow is helpful, and so is the characterization of her aunt being both estranged and prone to trouble. Not to mention that the aunt is missing. For me, the combination of all of the above earned a page turn. I want to see what this fun character does about her missing aunt. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy</strong >(satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery</strong >(coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction GundownFree ebooks.

Flogometer 1057 for Jessica—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Jessica sends the first chapter of Woman of Words. The first 17 lines follow

The two words in front of Renee Jansen had to die for their rebellion. In bold black ink, they bore a name as useless as the prayers her mother used to whisper, an echo from an abandoned world.

Her hands trembled as she shredded the pile of junk flyers and coupons. The pieces of her former life floated to their graves in the trash can underneath her desk. There they’d stay buried. End of story.

Slung against the wall of the spare bedroom that Renee had turned into her office, Sophie refolded her arms, as if the action would speed up time. “Come on, Ren. He’s waiting.” Mint gum snapped between her teeth.

Renee kept flipping through her mail. “Go without me.”

“Taking a break won’t kill you,” Sophie said, “if those cigarettes haven’t.”

Forget the smoking, forget the mail. The real threat waited downstairs.

Renee curled bare toes into the plush white carpet. “I need my shoes. And coffee. And I’ll smoke as much as I want.” She rose from the desk, one taut nerve away from lighting up out of spite.

Sophie kept chewing and shifted her shiny new iPhone from hand to hand. Before the night ended, she’d force the others into about fifteen group photos to test her updated camera.

The opening paragraph is nicely written and provocative. And then I was totally lost. What were the two words? What did they have to do with junk mail? How are junk mail and coupons the pieces of her former life? What’s the relationship of the two words to anything else on this page? I have no idea. So why were they so prominently featured in the opening if the narrative isn’t going to pay them off? I read the rest of the chapter and still didn’t know.

The narrative continues with a number of what I call “information questions.” What the two words are is an information question. So is the unnamed, unidentified “he” who is waiting. Who and what are the others that could be made to group for photos? We don’t know any of those things, and I see no reason to withhold them. If we knew who “he” was and his relationship to the protagonist, then there might be something of interest there.

As an editor and a reader, I did not care for using “slung” to suggest how a person is standing. I think that’s a reach, a description that tries too hard. I thought of slinging spaghetti on the wall to see if it’s cooked. How is a human slung against a wall other than in a fight?

While it’s clear that the protagonist is upset, there’s no clue as to why, which is a missed opportunity to connect the reader with the character. Has something gone wrong? Or is it going wrong now? There’s no hint of that and, for me, no story questions raised. I feel like the writer is concealing things and making them vague in an attempt to build suspense and tension. For my money, specificity and an understanding of what’s going on is the road to a compelling narrative.

Take a look at the first-page checklist. At the top, there’s engaging with a character. I couldn’t connect with this character because I didn’t know what’s troubling her. The last item on the list is to raise a story question. I guess there is a question—why is she so upset? For me, not a compelling one. Wouldn’t it have been better to let me know what has upset her and what she’s going to do about it? And the consequences if she fails? I think there’s good writing here, and there’s an interesting story and character, but for me they are not yet on the page.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2018 Ray Rhamey, prologue and chapter © 2018 by Jessica.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 141: G.S. Jennsen

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

I’ve had a hankering for science fiction lately. Here’s the opening page of Starshine: Aurora Rising Book One. Would you read on? How does it perform? Should this author have hired an editor?

Prologue

THE END OF THE WORLD began with a library query.

. . . or perhaps it was the space probe. The alien was being vexingly reticent on the matter, the man thought as he straightened his dinner jacket in the mirror.

“She is hardly the first person to express an interest in that region of space. Why are you so worried about her when the others didn’t concern you?”

The others did concern us, but they were deflected with little difficulty. This woman, however, has exhibited a notable talent for discovering what others cannot. As such, we would prefer she never look.

The man smoothed out a crease in one of the sleeves then fastened the antique pearl cufflinks, an heirloom passed down to him from a grandfather that never was. “Do you want me to have her killed?”

Not unless alternative methods are unsuccessful. Her death could cause the opposite effect of drawing further unwanted attention.

The man nodded cursorily and stepped out of the washroom, crossing his spacious office to the windows lining the far wall. “Very well. I’ll work to ensure she’s distracted from this pursuit. What about the Senecans?”

They are a more troublesome problem as they have already discovered an anomaly exists. (snip>

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This earned an 4.3 stars on Amazon. The writing is a little clunky at times (vexingly recitcent, a crease in one of the sleeves, nodded cursorily, spacious office), and I’m not a fan of unnamed characters such as “the man.” Why not name the guy? If he’s going to be in the story, we’ll know, won’t we?

On the other hand, the opening teaser line offers a strong hook with a twist—the idea of the end of the world being launched with a library query is intriguing. The narrative suggests that there’s a strong and interesting heroine to come, and those two things are positives that got me to set aside my writing craft misgivings to give the first chapter a look—but the narrative had better be stronger and raise story questions. What are your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy</strong >(satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery</strong >(coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction GundownFree ebooks.

Flogometer 1056 for Elizabeth—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Douglas, a first-time author, sends the prologue and first chapter of an untitled WWII novel. The first 17 lines follow the prologue and first chapter follow. The rest of the narrative after the break.

That morning, it seemed that Mother Nature herself had had a premonition that the day would be special. Virginia could feel it in the air. She was on the last of a three-day trip aboard the S.S. Daphne from Norfolk to New York with her younger sister, Agnes, and cousins Bess and Anna McLaurin, ten months her junior. “A pair of spirited twins to go with the equally spirited Gibson girls,” her Mama always said, shaking her head and smiling, even though they were hardly girls anymore, but grown women in their mid-twenties whom Mama might wish to be more settled by now and much less spirited.

Most girls from the class of 1934 were tending their own homes and starting families but the four cousins had yet to meet their match, just fine as far as they were concerned. There would be time for all that. Breathing in the heady scent of saltwater, Virginia stood at the railing and relished the rare moment alone, allowing the ocean to work its restorative magic. She had an abiding love for the ocean. It ever had the capacity to match her mood – be it melancholy, pensive, or playful – and today was no exception as rays of sunshine flew to her atop the waves, reminding her how much life had changed since her last cruise at sea; before a mountain of responsibility dropped in her path.

But fourteen-hour workdays wouldn’t slow her desire for living life as it came, especially when its minutes involved a rare and promising day at sea. A seagull squawked above, its (snip)

The writing is good in many respects, and it’s fun to be taken into the past. There was a little head-hopping as I read on, but that can be remedied. But what really needs work is focus and tension. The first page introduces Virginia and a gaggle of young women. Virginia focuses on how attractive Anna is. Then she bumps into a handsome man and he ends up entertaining all four young women. But later it is Agnes to whom he is attracted—which had me wondering why the story started with Virginia. Whose story is this?

Speaking of story—as Steven James says in Story Trumps Structure, you don’t have a story until something goes wrong. Unfortunately, all of this chapter is pleasant setup and nothing goes wrong for anyone. There are no real story questions, which leads to a lack of tension. I think that this narrative has started entirely too soon in the story. The writer strives to give us background on and introductions to a number of characters, but there’s really no story here other than girls meet boys and then part amicably. The very last sentence in the chapter teases us with a “storm” coming, but this reader would never get that far. Start the story when something goes wrong with the primary protagonist, and start the story with her is what I recommend. Weave in the setup details while things happen. Luck.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2018 Ray Rhamey, prologue and chapter © 2018 by Gibson.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1055 for Douglas—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Douglas, a first-time author, sends the prologue and first chapter of an untitled WWII novel. The first 17 lines follow the prologue and first chapter follow. The rest of the narrative after the break.

Prologue

Anzio, Italy, 1944

My hair was matted under my steel helmet. I had to pee. I was in command of 26 Nurses; many were new replacement nurses, going ashore on Anzio with the third invasion wave on X-Ray Beach Red. Artillery shells fell randomly along the approaching beachhead. The spray kicked up by the landing craft fell back on us. My helmet strap under my chin hung undone as I rode next to the bow ramp. Over the noise of explosions and the landing craft engines roar the Boson’s Mate shouted: “UNDO YOUR CHIN STRAPS – A TIGHT STRAP WILL BREAK YOUR JAW OR YOUR NECK IF A BOMB OR SHELL GOES OFF NEARBY!”

Bracing myself against the bobbing of the boat, I stood, turned and faced my nurses and in pantomime gestured with my chin strap until everyone complied. It was cold water and cold weather. I wasn’t sure whether the shivers were from the cold or from the tension.

I was knocked to my knees with a nearby blast—water spraying over the boat drenching all. Water erupted from another shell-a direct hit on a nearby landing craft carrying six of my nurses 9 corpsmen and most of our equipment and supplies needed to establish a triage and field hospital immediately upon arriving on the beach. The boat crew, the nurses, the corpsmen and all cargo were lost. I had been through this before; swallowed my grief and pain over the loss—we had a job to do. The veteran nurses had been together since Norfolk and constituted a strong nursing presence for the patients as well as setting the example for incoming nurses.

Chapter 1, Oregon, 1940

The day was bright, clear and warm. A quiet breeze kicked up puffs of dust along the road from Frenchglen. The sage was in bloom, the scrub mahogany was standing a little straighter and the scent of juniper was everywhere. It was a great day for a wedding. I was there a little early to see if anything needed doin’. I reckon over half of Harney County was there, or wished they were. Harney County was home to 5,000 somewhat well-bred citizens and 100,000 better bred cattle.

She pulled her own weight on the ranch since she was ten; could ride, rope, shoot, work cattle and by 14 was doing work with the crew as a ranch hand, and she was good. She even learned to play poker almost as good as her brother. She graduated from college two weeks ago.

I knew something was up when I got to the church. The bridesmaids were gathered up like a gaggle of geese outside of the church, on the path to the nearby graveyard.

Well folks, Connie arrived, coming in from the ranch with Adele, her cousin and rollin’ down the lane, just before all hell broke loose.

One of the bridesmaids, Jenny Harper, broke the group, and come runnin’ my way: “Jasper, have you heard?”

“Heard what?”

“’ ‘bout Henry and Brenda Kincaid?”

The writing is a little rough in spots, but that can be overcome. The prologue starts strong, immersing us in the character’s experience. It’s clear that there is already trouble, and more to come with a landing ahead. The narrator is sympathetic and engaging. Strong story questions raised about what will happen next.

The first chapter features a likeable and friendly voice. There’s a slip-up in the second paragraph when the narrative refers to “She.” We have no idea who “she” is since there was no reference to her in the opening paragraph. It could refer to the bride, but that’s not clear. It’s an easy fix, eg. Connie, the bride, had pulled … etc.

But this narrative stops just short of raising a compelling story question. There’s no sign that something is wrong or will go wrong for either the bride or the narrator. It turns out that her groom has been cheating on her, and the bridesmaids are just about to tell her that. If I were Douglas, I’d get a reference to that on the first page. Sacrifice a little setting description if necessary, or just put it into the narrative. For example,

One of the bridesmaids, Jenny Harper, broke the group, and come runnin’ my way: “Jasper, have you heard ‘bout Henry and Brenda Kincaid?”

Henry was Connie's groom. “Heard what?”

“Brenda and Henry have been shacked up for the last month or so.”

With rewriting and attention to detail, it seems there’s a promising story here. Good luck, Douglas.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2018 Ray Rhamey, prologue and chapter © 2018 by Douglas.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 140: Roger Stelljes

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

This is one of those bargains, three mysteries for free, that sometimes pay off with good reading. Here’s the opening page of the first, Electing to Murder. Would you read on? How does it perform? Should this author have hired an editor?

Dara Wire sipped her coffee. The dashboard GPS on the Acadia said east bound on Interstate 24, now over twenty-five miles east of Paducah, Kentucky. The laptop powered up and glowing in the passenger seat displayed the motorcade of one limousine and two Chevy Suburbans a mile ahead. Wire had safely tucked the GPS tracking device, which was half the size of a dime, beneath the small rubber bumper affixed to the underside of the rear license plate of the limousine. The tracker allowed her to hold back at a safe distance. Nevertheless, she liked that as she looked up from the laptop and ahead through the light rain and windshield wipers, she could see the red string of taillights from the motorcade in the distance.

While unsure of all of the people in the vehicles ahead, Wire knew it at least consisted of Heath Connolly, the vice president’s campaign manager. She was surprised Connolly wasn’t riding with Donald Wellesley Jr., the vice president’s son. The two of them were thick as thieves, seemingly attached at the hip in running the Republican presidential campaign.

A source tipped Wire to the meeting late on Tuesday and the limousine service being used. Her contact claimed he didn’t know exactly what the meeting was about or who was going to be present beyond Heath Connolly. However, it was an unusual trip, one that piqued Wire’s interest. So she flew to Paducah early, planted the tracker on the limousine and patiently waited. Six days, nearly five, before an election that would be extremely close, possibly Bush v. Gore (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This earned an 4.6 stars on Amazon (interestingly, it was all 5 stars and one 1-star). Good writing? Check. Good voice? Check. Tension? Well, there’s a lot of setup and some backstory in this opener. For me, it would have been a pass if it weren’t for the 17th line about the close election just days ahead. I’m a political junky, and remember well the Bush/Gore result. With that in mind, I was curious enough about what happens next to turn the page. I think the one-star rater did so for political reasons, not story. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy</strong >(satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery</strong >(coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction GundownFree ebooks.

Flogometer 1054 for Bill—are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Bill sends the opening chapter of A Patriot’s Campaign. The first 17 lines follow, then a poll. The rest of the narrative after the break.

9:37. The big Howard Miller wall clock above her cubicle seemed like it hadn’t moved in an hour. Deputy Andi Pelton, bored out of her mind, called home. Ed would still be up. Just as he answered, she yawned. Stifled it.

“Hey, kid,” Ed answered. “How’s the shift?”

“Shoot me. I’ve never been so bored. If this was Chicago, we’d have four, five drive-bys by now, a couple rapes, runaway kids. Here, everybody must be in bed.” She glanced up at the clock: still 9:37. She shook her head.

“I miss you on these evening shifts.”

“Me too. Look—we need to talk about making our marriage public.”

“Tomorrow, maybe. On the way to Missoula? Grace’ll be in her car, so we’ll have plenty of alone time.”

“It’s a plan. Let’s—”

Suddenly, the receptionist’s voice cut in. “Andi, 9-1-1 call. Shots fired.”

“Oh man, I gotta go. Shots fired.”

She heard Ed yell, “Be safe!” as she hit End and rushed out to Reception. She passed Marla without slowing. “How many shots?”

“Two. Caller said it sounded like a handgun.”

Except for a goof in the first sentence, the writing is good, so is the voice. In the first sentence we learn that a wall clock hasn’t moved. Well, it seems unlikely that it will ever move, it's hanging on a wall. And there’s a little bit of telling in that first paragraph, too—see my notes below. Other than that, for me there’s a viable story question raised and I wanted to know what happens next. And a sympathetic character has been introduced. Also, since she’s going to a place where someone is firing shots, there’s possible jeopardy ahead. I turned the page. You? Notes on that first paragraph:

9:37. The hands on the big Howard Miller wall clock above her cubicle seemed like they it hadn’t moved in an hour. Deputy Andi Pelton yawned and then, bored out of her mind, called home. Ed would still be up. Just as he answered, she yawned again. Stifled it. Don’t tell us she’s bored, show us. And she says she’s bored later, so that will be repetitious if this stays as it is.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2018 Ray Rhamey, prologue and chapter © 2018 by BIll.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Notes from a Writer’s Digest Webinar

I took a Writer’s Digest Webinar a couple of weeks ago. Conducted by an agent with the Donald Maass Literary Agency, Katie Shea Boutillier, the title was “What Agents and Editors are Looking for in First Pages.” Since that’s the usual topic of FtQ, I decided to invest and see if this agent's approach reflects mine.

Another part of the appeal was that the agent would read and critique a query letter for your work and its first five manuscript pages. Since I’m deep into writing a novel, I thought I’d take those first five pages out for a spin while seeing if I could craft an intriguing query letter. I should get the critique by July, if not sooner. It’s good to have an objective look by a professional.

She noted that she currently has between 50 and 100 queries in her query inbox, so you can see the odds of connecting. Below are some of the things Katie said about how she reads and reacts to submissions, sometimes vaulting right over the query letter to look at the first pages. So, in my view, it’s even more important to get your first page compellingly right.

“Query slush”

Katie refers to working on “query slush,” an interesting reference to the old term “slush pile” that referred to novels submitted to publishers without an agent. That doesn’t happen so much any more.

Perhaps it’s the sheer volume of queries she has to deal with that causes her to skip directly to first pages because, she says, the very first sentence on the first page can lose her.

“If I’m not connecting with that very first sentence where that first sentence feels unique and it feels fresh and it feels like something I can already wrap my mind around or connect with that feeling you’re trying to convey. If I don’t, you have probably lost me already.”

Other tips:

• Your main character should be on the first page. This proposes an interesting conundrum for thriller, suspense, and crime writers who want to start out the bad guy or the victim. An interesting challenge.
• In the first pages, you need to show that the main character has a struggle of some kind.
• Voice, the way you tell your story, is all about emotion. Does the voice command attention? Voice can sell a novel, it’s what makes her not want to put it down.
• Bring the reader into the story. Show setting, but briefly. Something happens. She likes a sense of urgency in the opening narrative.
• She recommends limiting the amount of dialogue in the first pages. Instead, move story forward with each sentence, balancing urgency and conflict.

Depending on the result, I may share her critique of my query and first five pages when I get it. Stay tuned.

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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© 2017 Ray Rhamey

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 139: Celina Grace

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here’s the entire prologue (just 15 lines) of Sanctuary: A Kate Redmond Mystery. Would you read on? How does it perform? Should this author have hired an editor?

The sun glittered on the sea, its beams penetrating the translucent blue waters as they broke upon the shore to touch the firm-packed sand below. Waves frilled with white foam hissed and sighed on the beach. They reached up to touch the larger pebbles, the driftwood and the drying seaweed before withdrawing back into the ocean, leaving the uncovered sand wet and gleaming for a second before the water sank away.

The body lay face downwards, arms lax and loose. An observer from the clifftop path, up above the beach, might have supposed the man to be an early morning sunbather, except sunbathers did not usually lie with their faces buried in the wet sand, and they were not usually clothed in ragged jeans and faded black T-shirts. If this hypothetical observer had descended the path onto the beach, and clashed and rattled over the pebbles before gaining the firmer ground of the sand, they would have seen the greyness of the exposed skin of the arms and the curious crab perched on one loosely-curled hand.

But there was no observer there that morning. There was no one on the beach at all, save for a crowd of seagulls wheeling overhead. The waves receded further as the tide went out, leaving the sad remains of what had once been a person lying alone, flung upon the sand like a piece of detritus discarded by the merciless sea.

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This mystery earned an outstanding 4.9 stars on Amazon. This prologue serves up what a good mystery should, a body on the first page, which leads to the natural story question: whodunit? But this author shows us that we’re in good, professional hands that should be able to really deliver a story through the quality of the writing. She creates a strong sense of mood in addition to describing a body. So, feeling that I could trust this writer and wanting to know what happened, I turned the page. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy</strong >(satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery</strong >(coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Hiding Magic

Science Fiction GundownFree ebooks.